Survivor: Choking The Chickens

Survivor

By Schoonie | Monday, October 12, 2009 | 9:26 pm | 22 Comments

Tagged: funny, hilarious, recap, schoonie, spoof, TV, tvgasm

…..aaaaaand also letting them escape.It’s the night after the last Tribal Council. Jaison is relieved to be rid of Ben, and it’s not quite the big weight off of his chest that he’d hoped. He’s still hungry, and tired, and regretting things a bit: “Frankly, I right now believe that coming here was the worst decision I have made in my entire life.” Hey, things could be worse: you could have been cast on Big Brother.

“Ugh…Natalie.”

“I really think that if Ben had stayed, Jaison would have quit. What kind of man is that?”, Russell says, apparently forgetting that challenging someone’s manhood requires you not to be so insecure about your own that you boast all the time about what a badass you are. “The fact is, whoever I want to be gone is gonna be gone!” Russell says. Yeah, except for that last time.

After the credits, it’s Day 9 over at Galu, and Shambo is not happy to be back: “Foa Foa has a huge appreciation for Shambo,” she says, referring to herself in the third person and therefore instantly becoming Dead To Me. Erik (I know! There’s someone named Erik! I had to look up a lot of names during this episode) takes Shambo out into the woods and makes an offer: he knows she has a clue to the immunity idol over at the other camp. Since the rules of Survivor state that things are more interesting when the Immunity Idol is easy to find, he theorizes that the clues must also apply to the location of the idol at their own camp. Before Erik can finish his thought, John walks up behind Shambo and says the same damn thing, except it is more annoying because it is coming from John.

“Before we actually attempt to find the idol, let’s discuss the attempt and then plan the discussion and then have some brainstorming sessions about that plan that we’re going to meet about later.”

So Shambo doesn’t even think twice: she just pulls the clues right out of her mullet and tells them that the idol is in a tree and low to the ground. She then tells them that they’d better give her their votes if she makes it to the end, when there are still sixteen people left, and then takes off immediately like she’s the Road Runner, leaving them in the dust, confused.

Back over at Foa Foa, they receive an ambiguous treemail that tells them their chief must choose two people to go on a “quest”, and there’s a map to the destination. Mick says he wanted to choose one guy and one girl in case there are different elements to the challenge, so he takes Russell and Natalie with him. The Russell Who Does Not Suck brings Shambo and Dave along with him.

Turns out that the map leads them to a big circle on the beach. There’s a cage full of chickens marked “reward”, and they all stand around and glare at each other, John Wayne style, waiting for Jeff to show up. When it becomes apparent that he will not be arriving, Shambo makes a beeline for the chickens, and she’s actually got a couple by the neck and she’s ready to leave with them when someone finally discovers a set of directions for a challenge lying around.

This is the most likely scenario involving Shambo and chicken choking I can think of. Well, if are not a mullet enthusiast.

The challenge is simple: they put a stick in the ground, and then they have to throw balls and get them as close as possible. It’s basically Bocce Ball. The team with the closest ball after they’ve all thrown wins the reward, which is the chickens. This will all be done without the aid of Jeff, who I’m guessing is off trying to bang another past contestant or something.

There is…lots of ball rolling. Oh challenges, how I resent recapping you. Mick’s ball is closest by the very end of the challenge, and it’s down to Tiny Russell and Dave to close it out. Tiny Russell nails one really close to the flag, and it’s up to Dave to win it for Galu. Mick tells us in confessional that he’s really, really psyched to win a challenge, and it looks like they might actually bring one home. That is, right up until Dave nails it and actually hits the pole with his final ball. With that, Galu wins yet another challenge. Shocking! I do feel bad, though: now that Ben’s gone, I actually wouldn’t mind if they won a challenge. “We can’t even pull of frickin Bocce Ball!” Mick says. Yeah, but when that 52 Card Pickup challenge comes up, you guys have a shot!

The closest Foa Foa will ever come to getting any sort of ball rolling

Meanwhile, back at Galu’s camp, Erik is taking the opportunity to search for the idol while people are away at the challenge. Erik searches around camp, digging and sticking his hand into various nooks and crannies, including one that looks like it probably contains a large contingent of bees, which would scare the pants off of me.

Seriously, what if you don’t get the hand back?

John wakes up and sees him searching around, but just kind of shrugs it off and goes back to sleep. Finally, Erik climbs up in this big tree and roots around in the branches, and: there’s the idol. So, we now have two people having found the idol with no real clue as to its whereabouts. You may want to actually think about hiding the idols somewhere less obvious next time, production staff. Either that, or just put it right in the center of camp next time, or hide it inside of Probst’s baseball cap.

This is probably not how they planned it.

As the members of Galu drag the chicken coop back to camp, Shambo volunteers to take care of the chickens. I hope she knows more about chicken care than fishing. Everyone, particularly the women, freak out and act excited. Shambo immediately sticks her face right up to the cage and starts clucking at them, apparently trying to bond. She even shushes the other tribe members when they attempt to ask what the hell she’s doing. If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my twenty-six years on this Earth, it’s never to question someone with a mullet.

“I learned THIS little trick from the lead singer of Winger!”

Over at Foa Foa, it begins to rain, hard. Jaison, who’s not exactly at a high point, starts complaining some more about how tired and hungry and thirsty he is, which I’m sure is going over well with everyone else. Russell begins to recognize that Jaison may not be a long term option for him, so he decides to reaffirm his alliance with Natalie. “She’s gonna ride my coattails because she’s too stupid,” he says. This blatant disrespect and underestimation of everyone is what’s going to come around and get him later. I bet he’s a total dick to the people at the grocery store.

In the morning at Galu, Shambo checks on the chickens. And then, guess what? One gets out! I know you are shocked that Shambo has perpetrated an error surrounding the collection and care of sustenance and sustenance-related paraphernalia.

“Emergency! Emergency! Escaped chicken! 911!” she shouts at the other tribemates for, and I am not kidding you, at least twenty seconds while the chicken runs farther away. She is coming up with new and innovative ways to be incompetent. I am wowed.

“Attention everyone! I am a total fuck up!”

Erik goes chasing it around the camp, and all of a sudden, BAM! He gets KTFO by the clothesline. And it? Is spectacular. It’s too bad that I don’t hate him, or that could have been as good as Lisi Falling.

Hey, did you hear that Lisi fell?

So anyway, the chicken, having completely outsmarted both Erik and Shambo (with an assist from the clothes line), is now safe up in the branches of a tree. “I had no idea they could fly!” says Shambo, while Russell looks at her like she’s an idiot, pointing out that things that have wings often do fly. I will be honest, I thought chickens couldn’t fly, either, because they were too fat or something, but I guess these are wild chickens that can fly or something. My point is she’s probably not as dumb as they’re making her out to be, but also: don’t claim to be some kind of Chicken Whisperer if you do not know such things.

As the members of Galu all sit around and stare at the escaped chicken up in the tree, helpless, Shambo is all “Can I just get a break?” at exactly the wrong time, which is anytime that a bunch of really hungry people are staring at food they cannot eat. She points out that “she” got them an egg, so they should cut her some slack. Did she lay it? Incubate it in her vast nest of hair? I am confused.

Later that day, Kelly (I know! Someone named Kelly!) works on opening a coconut to enjoy the milk, and Yasmin wanders over and plops down right next to her, hoping to get in on the action. “I am SO sick of Yas doing nothing all the time,” hot, hot Kelly says as she rolls her eyes. “She doesn’t help around camp, she sleeps all the time. She’ll be the first to go if we lose.” But then who will tell the other team what pansies they are?

“Who cares, I’m tired.”

Immunity Challenge! Galu looks monstrous, with all their people when you compare them to the now tiny Foa Foa group. Today’s challenge requires the players to carry sets of wooden blocks across and obstacle course, and then stack the blocks one on top of another to form a large tower. There are two stages, and the first team to stack the final tower wins. Galu actually has a small lead after the first stack, but Foa Foa is able to catch up to them on a rope bridge portion of the course, when Monica (Que?) is all slow and shit. The two teams are basically neck in neck at the last stacking post, and when Kelly drops some of her blocks, Natalie is able to capitalize and Foa Foa wins their very first immunity challenge! Yay! But only because this means no more Russell for the rest of the episode!

Fat stacks

Back at camp, The Russell Who Does Not Suck complains that Monica didn’t do well at the challenge, and thus he wants her gone. Meanwhile, the rest of the tribe wavers between getting rid of Shambo because she sucks and loses their food or getting rid of Yasmin because she sucks and doesn’t do anything. They settle on getting rid of Yasmin, mostly because they find her useless.

Over in another section of camp, obvious outcasts Shambo and Yasmin decide that voting for Monica is the best way to go. Yasmin tells us that she hasn’t done anything around camp on purpose so that she would be fresh for the challenges, which is complete BS, of course. If you want to penalize me for stepping up, so be it!” she says, because that makes sense? I don’t know, it’s best not to think about these things too much.

Meanwhile, Erik has picked up that some of the tribemates are going to be voting for Yasmin and he takes this information to Russell, because he’s apparently become some sort of lieutenant. Russell is incredulous about it, demanding that the rest of the team bend to his will: “These people? They have to listen to me, or there’s gonna be some serious ass kickin.” Hmm. Sounds like some of this leader thing maybe may have gone to his head. I hope I don’t have to change his name to The Russell Who Also Sucks, because that would be sort of sucky. Three terrible Russells in one year of reality television is way, way too many.

Tribal Council. Probst, having watched the footage and done his homework, asks about camp life immediately. Brett (I know! We are all learning so much today!) points out that Yasmin is lazy as shit. Yasmin, missing the point, is like, “Anything anyone has asked me to do, I’ve done it, so how can you say that?” which is exactly his point, of course. “Maybe I don’t belong here because I have on heels! I wanted to look pretty for you, Jeff,” she says over a long, lingering shot of her feet. What the fuck, did Quentin Tarantino direct this episode?

Next, Yasmin will murder everyone in the room while a song from the jazz era plays in the background.

After some brief complaining about Monica’s performance at the challenge, it’s time to vote already! We’ve had a busy week meeting all of these people, so I guess there’s no room for Tribal Council in this episode. We see Shambo and Russell vote for Monica, and we see Monica and Laura vote for Yasmin. When the votes are read, it’s two for Yasmin, then two for Monica, and the rest are for Yasmin and she’s outta there! Can’t say I’m sad to see her go.

And also, what I would not give for some cameras at that Ponderosa where she will have to stay with Ben.

Comments (22)
More About Author

About Schoonie

Like most people in America, Schoonie watches entirely too much reality television. Unlike most people, Schoonie gets to share his opinions with the world, which is pretty rad. Currently living in Chicago, Schoonie's been with Tvgasm since 2006. He spends his free time writing Survivor fan fiction (Letters to Penthouse, all featuring Rupert!) , playing with his cover band, and playing with his other cover band. Also, this one time, Lisi fell.

22 Comments

1

itchy

Posted October 13, 2009 at 12:15 am

Erik’s the guy who does yoga and wears knee socks, right?

Gotcha.

I thought it was really cute how the gals got all giggly about the chickens, as if they share some mystical connection because they all lay eggs.

Shambo’s an idiot. She’s becoming even more annoying than the Russell That Sucks.

And Jaison’s turning into a whiner. When you think of all the people who’d kill to be on this show, and they cast a little prince like he’s turning out to be…

At least I finally have a hot girl to focus on, although I call her dreadlock girl, since I didn’t catch her name. Kelly? Well, it’s better than “Blonde Number 3,” which is what I thought her name was before.

Oh, and the Russell Who Doesn’t Suck is definitely going to become an Also Sucks. You can just see it coming.

Bad year for Russells. It’ll be interesting to see how the name ranks in the baby name listings this year. Betcha it’s down there next to Natalie and just ahead of Chima.
2

geewits

Posted October 13, 2009 at 1:57 am

I was just so happy that ER had no say in who went home, I really didn’t care who it was. I was like a crazy person dancing around singing, “Russell had no power, Russell had no power!”
3

JasonR

Posted October 13, 2009 at 7:00 am

How hilarious is it that we’re weeks into the season and still don’t know who half the people are because they’re not one of the 5 Survivors the producers have put the spotlight on?

Yes Itchy it’s a banner year for Survivor eye candy. Many of the ladies are very easy on the eyes, and most of them seem fairly competent and could be around for a while. My favorites are Natalie (who was assigned to me in my Survivor pool) and Kelly(?), who I call “Natalie in dreds”.
4

slutty_whore

Posted October 13, 2009 at 8:36 am

I will miss Yasmin; her brand of abrasiveness and delusion will be missed and could have carried any lull in the season (such as Gabon’s Randy!). Yaz/Ben should have been cast in the Real World movie as Mikey Miz and Coral from the Back to NY Season. Monica should have gotten the boot. It’s time for a tribal shakeup.
5

kittkatt357

Posted October 13, 2009 at 11:22 am

Great recap Schoonie!
“Ugh…Natalie.”
ROFLMFAO!!!!!
Also, penguins have wings and do not fly….so there Russell-PFLLLPPFLL-(raspberry sound but could not figure out how to spell it lol)
Go Shambo!!! FTW!!!
6

jennaboa

Posted October 13, 2009 at 12:34 pm

Great recap, Schoonie! I’m sorry Natalie still traumatizes you.

On Galu: Yeah, I haven’t really noticed to many people at this tribe. I know the Hippie Guy, the Unsucky-Sucky-For-Now Russell and Yappin’ Yas. Oh, and Shambo and Her Mullet. The rest seem kind of bland in an Abercrombie ad sort of way, even the hill billy. How does their hair look that good without blowdryers and product? Was that included in the comfort reward (along with a super-long extension cord)?

Anyway, none of those girls look like they eat all that much, so they couldn’t be too bothered by Shambo consistently losing of their lunch. Good for the island chicken, I say. From what we’ve seen of the castaways so far, the chicken has become my new favorite; it can probably win the whole damn season. Gallus from Galu, the flying fowl. That scene cracked me up.

Chickens don’t fly unless they feel they have to, i.e., danger. I’m guessing Shambo’s mullet convinced Gallus that her comb was bigger than its own and it wasn’t having any part in her plans. I would have flown away, too. Shambo scares me in a “How was she discharged from the Marines, again?” sort of way.

On Russells: At least the terrible Russell on BB was nice to look at; better than NataLie with her mouth open.
7

Mr Dangerous

Posted October 13, 2009 at 12:35 pm

Thank God for MY HERCULES Russell and Shambo otherwise this episode would have been REALLY boring. Sure Shambo is a F*ck up but at least she’s doing something. I wish the editors would spend more time with Russell, though, cause HE’S THE SHOW. (He barely had any screen time in this episode!)

As for all those skinny, white bikini girls — well, they’re completely expendable. Amanda, Cirie, Parvarti, Amber, Sue and Tina are real SURVIVOR women. THOSE ladies have more personality in their little toes than all of the skinny bikini girls put together.

P.S. Schoonie, you’re funniest when you’re making fun of Russell. Please realize this and write accordingly.
8

Mr Dangerous

Posted October 13, 2009 at 12:41 pm

Jennaboa:

RE: Shambo’s discharge

I’m sure it had something to do with “Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell.”
9

soapboxx

Posted October 13, 2009 at 1:40 pm

I can’t say anything about the Galu tribe’s personalities yet because we still haven’t seen enough of them to know much about them. Shamwow (yes her mullet will absorb 10 times it’s weight in liquids) is a joke. I suspect Yaz (appropriatly named after birth control because most men would become monks if locked in a bedroom with her) asked to be voted off. Production wouldn’t show it, and even had her make some comments about competing but I will always believe she asked to be voted out. She was just through with being hungry and dirty. They need to show 30 minutes in the Ponderosa next week instead of a full hour of camp. I agree Schoonie the Ponderosa will be interesting.
Please Mr.Dangerous try out for Survivor! I would love to cheer you on! You are an enigma to me. I will never understand what anyone male or female sees in troll Russell.

Thanks for the funny recap Schoonie!
10

yankeefan1207

Posted October 13, 2009 at 4:07 pm

Great recap as always!

Just one little correction…. Russell who does not suck did NOT vote for Monica. He voted for Yasmine! It was easy to think that he had voted for Monica because he was shown picking up the pen, and then we saw a dark skinned hand writing Monica. But when the camera panned back up it was shown that it was actually Yasmine who wrote Monica. At the end of the episode when they showed who everyone voted for, Russell was holding a Yasmine vote. The only 2 votes for Monica were from Shambo and Yasmine. So somewhere in between Russell saying that everyone better listen to him and vote out Monica or there’s gonna be some serious ass kickin, he apparently changed his mind (?). Seems that nobody told Shambo that the new plan was for everyone to vote out Yasmine and she was hung out to dry by being the only remaining tribe member that voted for Monica. Shambo should let out the rest of the chickens just to get even with them! LOL
11

pixielated

Posted October 13, 2009 at 5:39 pm

I remember being stunned when my pet chicken “Chickie” flew the first time. Of course, I was six at the time. They can’t fly very far or very high, but they can fly.

As I remember, Mr. D and Itchy, Pavarti and Amber were pretty easy on the eyes as well as being winning competitors.

This week, li’l Russell “can’t play” his game because of the RAIN. Hmm. Maybe Jaison gives up and goes home.
12

itchy

Posted October 13, 2009 at 11:46 pm

I don’t remember who Amber is, although the name alone suggests California beaches, the sunset, bikinis and Frankie Avalon…

I remember Parvati though. Because she’s hot AND smart, or she’s hot because she’s smart. Also because I just finished watching the faves vs. fans season. Did you know she won? ;-D

What’s been frustrating about this season so far is that they’ve dwelled so much on the (recruited) ‘personalities’ that we’re not getting any info on the real players.

Hard to take Yasmine seriously as a player–she was just there to cause a fuss, which she did.

I can see where Shamwow’s game might have been completely different had she been on the other tribe. Hard to imagine her with any intelligence though.
13

Snootchy Bootches

Posted October 14, 2009 at 3:16 am

Itchy, Amber was the one that rode on Rob’s back the entire game and then won when sitting next to him in the finals. Then she married the douchebag. Then they went on Amazing Race.

But she was pretty.
14

Mr Dangerous

Posted October 14, 2009 at 7:51 am

Well, I wouldn’t know which ladies were pretty cause I don’t go that way but I do remember which MEN were SEXY.

Let’s see that would be JAMES. Rob(from Rob and Amber) and that firefighter Tom. Oh, he was a cutie. Did I mention JAMES? Oh, I did? Well, Yul, of course. (But he might be TOO nice for me.) Ozzy even though he ended up being a jerk. Rupert when he was wearing a skirt and that guy that sounded like Alan Alda. He had it going on. Oh, and Mr. Penis from last year. He’s my type. I liked that Raef too. (Remember, he was the gay mormon that DIDN’T win.)
15

itchy

Posted October 14, 2009 at 8:50 am

I often marvel at how well people here are able to recall the players from every season (on other shows too).

Seems to me I forget all of these people five seconds after a season is over.

Amber? And she won? Wow. I vaguely remember Boston Rob at least.
16

Quean CeCe

Posted October 14, 2009 at 9:05 am

Chicken Whisperer!!!

perfection

TVgasm has the dream team of reviewers.
17

juddfan

Posted October 14, 2009 at 11:37 am

Mr D, how could you leave off Judd, for whom I am named . . . sigh . . . at the time, the gasm was the only place I could go with my lust-and frustration, coz despite the fact that he ran around in his undies a lot, the camera always panned away–trust–of this I am sure. And, they spent plenty of lingering shots on the bikini girls–I was quite outraged. He was on Guatemala season, and near the end took a naked shower that was blurred out–are they ever going to release a Survivor uncensored DVD–I bet it would sell, and i’d buy one. I also liked Keith from Season 2, I think–he was a douche, but a hot daddy anyway. No one has been as blatently bad as your Hercules . . .hee . . .and yea, I’m less interested now that he’s clothed . . . I really do need to get out more . . .

Ambah was pretty, but not that smart, I remember Pavratti, but not too well, I’ve been sort of over Survivor unless there’s a lust object, or something there to grab my attention. Probst is on my last nerve as well, I just can’t take the douche quotient any more, and the smug-ness, and they way he would burn to fake immunity idols . . . argh!!!!

Schoonie, you capture that very well–here’s to more challenges without the ass voice overs!!!!

ps. I was on the phone, and watched this whole epi on mute, as soon as tribal was the other tribe, I just tuned out completely. On that tribe, the scientist still seems the tool, seems our fearless recapper agrees . . .
18

Mr Dangerous

Posted October 14, 2009 at 12:24 pm

Juddfan:

Judd was going to be on my follow up list along with JT and Smitten. I remember Judd very clearly.
He was that HUNK of burnin’ Love. Though, sometimes, Judd kind of blurs into that Matt Rodgers guy from that other show.

RE:

“are they ever going to release a Survivor uncensored DVD–I bet it would sell, and i’d buy one.”

uh, your sounding kind-a pervy with that question.

BUT I WOULD SO BUY ONE TOO!
19

jennaboa

Posted October 14, 2009 at 4:17 pm

Mr Dangerous: Please don’t tell. I have no interest in knowing if the rug matches the drapes.
20

pixielated

Posted October 15, 2009 at 12:21 am

Aaaah, the memories. Thanks Mr. D and Juddfan. What was the guy’s name who gave it all up for Tina? He was awfully cute. Keith? His nipples disturbed me. And he couldn’t cook rice!

Never did cotton to Ozzie. But Yul!!! *Sigh* I love me some Yul!

I’m surprised they don’t show more of the hunkalicious guys since Probst is so enamored of them.
21

pixielated

Posted October 15, 2009 at 12:24 am

Isn’t it funny how the hotties look hotter when they are competing? When they show up for the finale and reunion show, they have always put on a little TOO much weight for my liking. I remember thinking that about Boston Rob and that guy who came in 2nd to Tina. And the girls always have so much makeup and hair styling/color done that they are almost unrecognizable.
22

Snootchy Bootches

Posted October 15, 2009 at 3:21 am

Pixielated: That would be Colby. The poor sap.

Survivor: Choking The Chickens

22 Comments

Post a Comment Cancel reply

TV Social

Login

Recent Comments

Subscribe to Blog

Hot Shows

Fresh Tweets!

Survivor: Choking The Chickens

If you like it, spread it!:

22 Comments

Post a Comment Cancel reply

TV Social

Login

Recent Comments

Subscribe to Blog

Hot Shows

Fresh Tweets!