Survivor: Crap-frica

On the same morning, Michelle is already bitching about how cold it is. Not the best way to make friends, there. While the rest of the tribe tries to make fire with a bone, Michelle laments the fact that she’s stuck with a bunch of idiots while all the “smart, beautiful people are over on the other tribe”. Man, she is high maintenance! They’re trying to make fire, just chill for a second. Snack on some poo to pass the time or something.

Over at Kota, we’re fast forwarding to Day 3, where they’re receiving their first treemail. The message indicates that the winning tribe will also get fire, so there’s extra incentive to win. Ace tells us that he wants the tribe to be “really in sync” for the next challenge, so he leads an impromptu yoga session with some tribe members. Paloma sits in the hut and watches this happen, laughing at the absurdity of doing yoga in your underwear in the middle of the jungle. Anyone who can identify and enjoy the irony of bringing some yuppie bullshit with you to a primeval place is certainly someone I can get behind.

Immunity Challenge! Six people will be tethered together and have to run an obstacle course. There are puzzle pieces buried in a hole at the far end of the course, and those must be brought back to the star, where the remaining three people solve the puzzle, which will win your tribe both immunity and a flint for fire. Fang manages to stay in it until the part where there is digging, at which point Kota completely smokes them. By the time Kota has finished their puzzle, Fang is still about 100 yards from even bringing the puzzle pieces back. And thus, Fang will be attending the first of what will likely be many Tribal Councils.

Back at camp, Fang tries to convince themselves that they didn’t get smoked. This is a lie, but whatever allows you to sleep at night, I guess. Talk begins about who should leave. Matty advocates for Michelle on the basis that she is both negative and a pain in the ass. Randy tells us that he would prefer Gillian to go home, which cues another delusional rant from her about how awesome their tribe is as Randy sits on the sidelines and rolls his eyes. Word, peanut gallery. Ken and Michelle want Gillian to go also, even though Ken seems to have a read on the fact that Michelle is probably the likely evictee. When he tells her this, she seems unaffected, telling him that it’s hard for her to pretend to like people that she really can’t stand. Besides Gillian, I don’t get what’s so bad about any of these people yet. I mean, it’s not like they’re Big Brother contestants or anything.

Tribal Council! Jeff begins by asking Dan what he thinks about the tribe’s performance. When Dan says that he thinks they did okay, Jeff is completely incredulous, calling it a “disaster”. Michelle tells everyone that they were lazy, specifically calling out GC for digging with one hand. The whole thing devolves into a shouting match as Jeff sits by and shakes his head judgmentally, reveling in the chaos he has created. Once Gillian points out that no one wants to step up and take the leadership position, Jeff refuses to continue with the proceedings until someone volunteers. That’s kind of an asshole move, Jeff. Every season, he inserts himself a bit more into the proceedings. Soon he’s going to be camping out with them. At least it will be easier to date the female contestants that way. Zing! After much hemming and hawing, GC eventually, sort of, halfway volunteers to do it. Jeff is all “Congratulations! You have a leader! We have accomplished something today!” What is this, therapy?

Time to vote! We see Gillian vote for Michelle and Michelle vote for Gillian. When the votes are read, theirs are the first two out of the urn, and then all the rest are for Michelle, and she is the first person voted out. She doesn’t even get any final words. Damn! That’s harsh. However, there is a bright side. Jeff tells them that they can take their torches back to camp, so they’ll have fire and can eat and everything, which causes them to celebrate like they’re being released from prison.

Back at camp, Fang prepares to light the fire, giving GC the honors. Randy, hilariously: “Just so you know, if you mess this up, we WILL vote you out.” Ha! GC tells us in night-vision that he’s a little bit nervous about having the leadership position thrust upon him. Dude, you volunteered. Suit up, yo. He doesn’t say that it’s Jeff’s fault, but it totally is. Damn you and your dimples, Probst!

Over at Kota, it’s the morning of Day 4 and people are going about their chores, including Marcus, who seems to be cooking or something. This means that it’s time for Charlie to tell us how wonderful he is. “I don’t understand why a million girls aren’t jumping all over him” he says. Could it be because they don’t want to come off as increasingly desperate? Clearly, you don’t seem to have that issue.

Charlie and Marcus head off in the kayak to have a strategic conversation, which begins with Charlie declaring his undying love. On Day 4. In a kayak. “When you go off, I get this like, panic” he tells Marcus without a hint of embarrassment. Marcus sits silently and wonders how long it takes to get a restraining order in the Gabon court system.

Marcus tells us that he’s working on an alliance, which he looks at like layers of an onion. Charlie is his inner layer, and they need to start working on creating other layers, the next of which they believe to be Jacquie and Corinne. They agree to broach the idea sometime later that day. Afterwards, Charlie will smell Marcus’ hair and then slip a note into his locker.

Over at Fang, GC is giving out orders to people like they are serfs and they are in indentured servitude to him. Wow, he really does not get it. When people say they need a leader, they don’t mean that they want you to issue individual orders. Micromanager! Get him!

GC and Randy are down at the river collecting water, where GC tells Randy (whose job it apparently is to prepare the food) that he would like to prepare it instead. Randy doesn’t seem to have a problem with that, but GC wants to reboil clean water (water needs to be boiled to make rice with), which is like doing the work twice. Randy tries to explain this to GC, but he refuses to listen, which is always the hallmark of a good leader. That’s why President Bush is always so on top of things; because he listens, people.

Randy tells us that he thinks GC doesn’t know anything about leading, but he’s not going to do anything because this is the beginning of “Operation: Let Other People Crash and Burn”. I mean, it’s self explanatory and everything, but you couldn’t come up with a better sounding title? “Operation: Wolfkill” or “Operation: Machete Penguin” or something would have been badass.

Back at Kota, Marcus and Charlie are bringing the girls out into the woods to forge an alliance. They decide that bringing Bob in as a temporary fifth to create a majority is the best bet, since they all like the guy a little and he’s useful to have around. Marcus continues to use the word “layer” repeatedly in reference to this alliance, so you can tell that this onion thing is really his plan. Survivor contestants really should pattern their strategies after vegetables more often. If only Cirie had come up with a Cumquat Initiative last season, things would have turned out much differently.

Early in the morning on Day 5, Gillian’s snoring wakes GC up, so he goes about doing some chores. Of course, Gillian starts to complain about this. No one else is allowed to be annoying but her! As she tells us, there was lots of the “slushy slushy slushy” while she was trying to sleep. That is apparently onomatopoeia for a washing machine. It is also onomatopoeia for the sound of my blinding rage reaching its breaking point.

Soon everyone is awake and talking, which simply will not do because Gillian is trying to sleep. How dare a majority of you inconvenience one person? That’s just rude. Gillian scolds the entire crew for getting up and talking, singling out GC in the process. When he blames her and her sleep apnea for waking him up, she gets all defensive and GC gets all indignant. This causes GC to immediately resign as the leader of the tribe, because he’s one of those people who quits to show other people what they’re missing without him there. Yes, I’m sure this whole tribe will crumble because you’ve quit.

Randy then delivers the saddest news of the episode, which is that GC apparently stands for “Golden Child”. I simply cannot name the myriad ways in which that is unfortunate. Randy then tells us that GC’s resignation was “the best leadership call he’s made”. GC tries to appoint a new leader right then, singling out Dan. Dan equivocates by stating that his “management style” isn’t good for the tribe. My “management style” with these people would be to bludgeon them into silence with nearby objects.

Random, but you know why Gillian bothers me so much? It’s because she reminds me of Scout.

Immunity challenge! The Fang tribe enters wearing warpaint made from charcoal.

Unity! Jeff explains today’s challenge, which is to push a boulder across a course. There are two keys along the course, which you use to unlock a gate right before the end. First tribe to unlock the gate and push their boulder to the end of the course wins immunity and some fishing equipment. They also get to send someone from the losing tribe to Exile Island.

As the challenge begins, Gillian’s continued uselessness means that she ends up running alongside the boulder while everyone else pushes. Fang and Kota are actually neck in neck throughout the challenge, but when both tribes reach the gate, Kota is quicker to pass through (there are more keys than locks, so there’s an element of luck), and Fang never recovers, meaning that they’ll be going to another Tribal Council. At the end of the challenge, Jeff actually compliments them for staying in it all the way through. It’s always nice when daddy approves!

Back at camp, Kota celebrates another win. Marcus even does the Soulja Boy dance, which would have been passé on the freaking China season. Besides, everyone knows Yah Trick Yah is where it’s at.

Meanwhile, Dan is on his way to Exile Island, which is actually Exile Plains this year. Dan tells us what we already knew, which is that it’s idiotic to send a strong person to Exile Island where they could potentially find something that would make them even stronger. When he arrives, he is faced with a choice: he can have a clue to the location of the immunity idol, or he can have a roof over his head and a small snack. Given that he’s not an idiot, he chooses the clue, which tells him to find some sort of Sandy Crater and dig. An aerial helicopter shot helpfully zooms us over to the aforementioned crater, which is up a hill and through a large patch of trees, probably a good half-mile from the base camp and hard to see. Not easy to find, in an expanse this large. We are then treated to a montage of Dan digging all over the area as a sense of despair washes over him, until he finally sort of gives up and goes back to collapse on the dock.

Over at Camp Fang, they work hard to convince themselves that they didn’t suck, which is sort of becoming their thing after challenges. Maybe I should get that sentence to Shift + F1 early this year and save myself some time. Crystal, Ken and Matty sit on the dock and discuss the coming vote. Their consensus is that Gillian is a drag on the tribe and needs to be dismissed. I agree that she needs to be dismissed, but it’s because she’s a drag on my sanity.

In a different part of camp, Gillian talks to Susie in an effort to save her own ass. She attempts to make her paranoid by putting the idea in her head that she’ll go next if they vote Gillian out. She floats the idea of voting out Ken, who she says “wasn’t pulling his weight” even though he was up on the boulder, untying the keys while she was running alongside. It’s extremely hypocritical of her to single him out just because he’s skinny, which is what she’s doing. HATE!

Randy is hungry, and he would like to do something constructive in order to solve that problem. Despite the Hawaiian shirt, I am beginning to like him, with his snarky commentary and initiative. He takes his glasses off and starts ripping them apart with the machete, twisting a small metal part from what I believe is the bridge and forming a makeshift fish hook. Other tribe members go and get some worms, and GC’s shoelaces serve as a fishing line, making it a group project. After quite a bit of effort, Fang has some small fish to enjoy for the evening. Hey, it’s not much, but it’s definitely something, and you have to respect the fact that they did it all without proper tools. Question: Are the formerly homeless more resourceful because they’ve been homeless, or are they less resourceful because…they’ve been homeless? These quandries, they boggle the mind.

Dan returns from Exile, telling the other tribe members how terrible it was, and also how they need to think a little more strategically when they send people. In fact, Dan talks for so long about how terrible it was that everyone gets sort of suspicious. Even though he’s being genuine and he’s just kind of dorky, they think he’s overselling, making them believe they he may have the idol. Everyone except Randy seems to be convinced. Randy gets the proper read, trying to keep them from voting him out for no reason by telling the rest of the tribe that he’s just a genuine guy. And that is the story of how the guy who had a lobotomy in the first episode is the best at reading people.

Tribal Council! GC owns up to the fact that he quit the leadership position during Jeff’s initial questioning. Jeff seems incredulous, because Jeff has two modes: adoring of the muscular, and incredulous. In an attempt to absolve himself of responsibility, GC tries to blame everyone else for refusing to stand up and lead. You see, it’s not that he did it, it’s that you didn’t do it. Flawless logic, that.

Jeff asks Matty about Dan’s trip to Exile, and whether he’s concerned that Dan may have found the idol. This sets off speculation which ends in Crystal issuing a half-playful accusation to Dan, stating up-front that she’s pretty much sure that he’s in possession of the idol. Hilariously, this causes Dan to stand up and turn his bag completely upside-down. As all his shit spills out onto the Tribal Council floor, he makes this great “What now?” face and tells them not to vote him out just because he might have something that he plainly doesn’t have. That? Was great. I think Dan might be a little awesome.

Time to vote! Dan votes for Gillian, and Gillian votes for Ken, stating that he’s physically incapable and that he has no concept of what others are thinking. Wow. This is like watching Charlie Sheen tell Jim Belushi that According to Jim isn’t all that funny.

Jeff goes to tally the votes. We see the one for Gillian and the one for Ken that we’ve already seen, and then the rest are for Gillian, and she is mercifully, mercifully gone. I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice lady and all, she just grates me. Badly. Good! Riddance!

Next week: will Fang finally win a challenge? Probably not.

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