Survivor: Crying Over Bad Hair

We come back with Malakal from the Tribal Council where Tracy was voted out, and Ozzy is in a particularly bad mood. He snaps pieces of wood into the fire and mutters stuff about how he “just can’t understand why anyone would think” he was the leader. Yeah, I can see why he would want to reject that label. After all, when he was on last time Yul was the leader, and his ass got voted out faster than anything. Oh, wait.Erik also tells us how alone he feels as the last fan standing on the Malakal tribe. Well Erik, if you feel lonely, I’m sure there are several small animals nesting in your hair to keep you company. Take solace in the fact that your cranium is now a mini-ecosystem.

Back from commercial, we get our first hint that there’s maybe not a whole lot to show this episode when we watch Cirie and Ami hunt for crabs for like five minutes, but it’s all filmed at a really weird angle with odd sound effects. Look, show, I get enough of this filler crap while I recap Big Brother. I don’t need you showing up and boring me to death with your crazy David Lynch-ian crab hunting sequences. This is not Mulholland Drive, and Ami is not Naomi Watts. Although if she were, there would be roughly the same amount of lesbianism.
Cirie and Ami bring back a bunch of crabs, which gives Ozzy the opportunity to complain some more about being labeled the leader. Ami, for some reason, takes this opportunity to declare her loyalty to Ozzy and tell him all about how Tracy tried to start a coup to get him out, and how she loves him and will carve their names in a tree and what have you. Ami is so over the top with this emotional crap all the time (see also: her other season), and it’s kind of embarrassing.
Over at Airai beach, everyone is talking about food, while Natalie tells us that she had a dream about nachos. Really? If I hadn’t eaten in nineteen days, nachos would not be what I was dreaming about. Nachos aren’t even at the top of the appetizer food chain. It goes (in descending order) Chicken Wings, Cheese Sticks, Spinach and Artichoke Dip, Jalapeno Poppers, and then nachos. Jason, meanwhile, is kind of hungry. He spies a rat over under the cave overhand and kills it dead. He will be eating it for lunch. He tells us (quite pleased with himself) that no one has eaten a rat since the first season of the show, so he is glad to be bringing back that tradition. He looks really, really pleased with himself, and I have to say that I do not like Jason very much. He looks like he’s always trying a little too hard, and he wants the Favorites to love him so bad. It’s like “Look! A rat! Love me, mommy!” all the time, and it’s a little sad. Parvati tells us that she thinks he’s a total loser too, so it’s nice to know that Parvati and I have something in common. I mean, besides the fact that we both look totally badass in a zebra bikini.

Parvati and James do not like the Airai camp very much. They tell us they miss Malakal, where they can run free and graze and whatnot, with their toothiness. James complains about the water, all “Popeye wouldn’t even go in there! Jacques Cousteau be like, damn!” Get it? BECAUSE POPEYE’S A SAILOR! And Jacques Cousteau explored the wondrous underwater ecosystem! Oh my god, he’s so funny.

Parvati, however, has a plan to get herself to the merge in case anything goes wrong. They haven’t had to go to TC since the switch, but crazy stuff has been happening to Airai, and at this point I’d probably plan for at least one tribe member to be taken out of the game when a piano falls from the sky. She goes and grabs Alexis and Natalie and tells them that she’d like to create a final four that includes the three of them and Amanda, with the plan to jettison Ozzy and James when they get a chance. Yeah, I’m not sure you have to worry about James winning, but Ozzy is definitely a problem. Also, Parvati, you’re not going to beat anyone except for those two no-names anyway, so your only hope is to stack the jury with Favorites and make this happen.

Eliza and Jason go to get the treemail, which tells them to select someone from the other side who will sit out this challenge and go to Exile Island, but will also be immune at the next TC. So, you can take anyone out of the challenge from the other team that you want, but if you do that, that person cannot be voted out. At the Reward Challenge, Jeff tries to take immunity back from Airai, and Jason’s like “Why don’t you tell us what we’re playing for first?” like he’s expecting everyone to think he’s super cool for picking on Jeff. Jeff is not having it, as usual, because Jason is a turd, so he’s like “Yeah, whatever, dork” as he takes back immunity. He tells the tribes that this challenge is for reward and immunity, with the winners getting pizza as well as avoiding TC. He then opens the envelopes and reveals that Airai has chosen Ozzy to sit out (the obvious choice), and Malakal (who had originally chosen James) chose Alexis to sit out, based on the fact that the treemail suggested balance and it looks like Alexis might be good at that. Challenge Monster Eliza lives another day under the radar, quietly dominating all y’all asses.

The challenge is an obstacle course, and two people from each tribe will be traversing it and grabbing flags from the other side, bringing them back to the beginning. Then the next person will go, and so on, until five flags have been grabbed. The other two people will be swinging bags and trying to knock people off the course. Jason and Eliza will be running the course for Airai, and Erik and Amanda for Malakal.

Course navigating ensues, with Airai taking a small lead. Erik tries to loft himself over the first part of the obstacle course (a wobbly bridge), but taking a giant leap, succeeding the first few times. One time, however, he smacks his chest right on the ledge and seems pretty winded. I’d feel sorry for him, but he strikes me as kind of dumb, and that was a dumb move in the first place. He seems kind of eternally twelve years old to me, what with the lovestruck Ozzy stuff and this and the Napoleon Dynamite voice.

Jason does get most of the flags for Airai, but Eliza pulls her weight as well, leaping to smack a part of the bridge with her hand ass Erik comes at it from the other side, meaning that she gets to be the first to make her way across that part. It’s a small thing, but also very key in maintaining the lead for Airai, which eventually leads to their win when Jason grabs the last flag and douchily announces that they will get to enjoy the pizza and beer reward before dropping it in the bucket. You can tell he kind of expects to be hoisted on the shoulders of his tribemates. In case you have not figured it out yet, he sucks.

After the commercial, Malakal returns to camp, where Erik’s chest hurts. I’d feel sorry for him, but we all saw it. He hurt himself and they didn’t even win! Burn. Ami adds fuel to the fire by telling us that she sees no way that Erik’s going to get himself out of the hole he’s in. Get your Joel on, Ami. Back at Airai everyone celebrates their victory as the pizza and beer arrives, through the authentic Italian combination of a motorboat and Polynesian delivery man. Jason tells us that he’s glad he could play such a prominent role in the challenge because he doesn’t really have any alliances to count on. He also adds that he has the hidden immunity idol (he has the fake), which is yet another reason why I think he’s kind of idiotic. As they eat pizza, James opens the beer bottles with his teeth for everyone, which seems unhealthy. Why is everyone begging for injuries this season? College has trained me to open beer bottles with just about anything, including the kitchen counter, a dollar bill, and nearby family pets, but I refuse to use my teeth.

Over at Exile Island, Ozzy leads Alexis on a wild goose chase for the Immunity Idol, even though she has to think it’s probably gone by new, she probably owes it to herself to find out, since she seems like a gamer. Ozzy takes the opportunity to check the previous hiding spot where he hid the fake idol, and he finds it gone. “Who is going to be tricked by Ozzy?” he says, referring to himself in the third person and adding to the now-large list of reasons why he used to be awesome and now is not.

Erik, meanwhile, is still trying to stay in the game. Because he has nothing to lose, he goes to Cirie and Amanda and just unloads on them, telling them everything Ami has tried to do to turn the tables. Ami watches from a safe distance, waiting for it to be over. I love how he doesn’t even consider the best move for everyone, which would be to get rid of Ozzy. Since they’re planning on hooking back up with James and Parvati and they have to know that it’s right before merge time, when he becomes super dangerous, this would definitely be a plan that I could see Cirie going for. But whatever, it worked (whoops!) so.

Ami quickly swoops in to do some damage control, telling them that she of course expected him to do that. The whole thing then quickly devolves into an exploratory committee into Ami’s various shortcomings and neuroses, talking all about how she’s never felt quite like she was “with them” (hint: it’s because you’re not), and how all she wants is acceptance and to hang out with the cool kids and it is gross. Amanda finally rolls her eyes and is like “Fine, hang out with us” and then there is a group hug. Man, this season is boring.

Ami, as a result, does this incredibly passive-aggressive thing where she goes to Erik and thanks him profusely , telling him that his machinations have only served to bring her closer to the girls. She’s all “Thank you” in this incredibly assholish way, and it definitely serves as a reminder that she’s pretty much the same gross, emotionally manipulative and skewed person she was like seven seasons ago. Remember how gross she was? The episode where she got voted out was the only good one that season. I’d have voted her out just to get this stupid hearts and flowers bull away from me.

Erik decides to go to Plan B. When Ozzy returns from Exile, he’s the first one at the boat. He tells him everything that went down, adding that Ami made several attempts to get Ozzy himself out at some points, conveniently omitting that he was often part of the plan as well. Ozzy gets all paranoid as a result (because despite the fact that he’s strong in challenges, he’s actually incredibly simple minded if you think about it) and runs to Amanda to discuss the situation. Amanda advocates sticking with Ami, because “the devil you know is better than the one you don’t”, while Ozzy wants to get rid of Ami, because he feels threatened by her and not Erik. They’re both arguing for the point that benefits them the most personally, because Ami represents a solid backup plan to Amanda, plus an opportunity to get rid of one of Ozzy’s underlings, because she’s going to have to deal with him eventually if she wants to win.
Tribal Council! From the get-go, Erik starts in on Ami (points to him for doing his damndest to say in the game), causing Ozzy to go on a long diatribe about how there are people that you think you can trust, but you can’t, and whatever. Of course, Ami starts crying, because to her this game is representative of life and is more than just a game, which is the wrong outlook to have, of course. She talks all about how she’s never not had their backs, and she wants the favorites to get really far, and she wants Amanda, and Cirie, and all the little children of the world to clasp hands and sing a song. Even Eliza! Shut up, Ami. Eliza is like the only cool one left at this point.

It goes on forever, and it is really uncomfortable to watch because everyone is rightfully like “Why is she crying?” because it’s a GAME, not a breakup. Props to them for at least realizing that. Throughout Ami’s talking, they repeatedly show Amanda, looking at Ami like she’s a walking episode of Cheaters. Okay, so Amanda might still be a little awesome, too.

Time to vote! We see Erik’s vote for Ami, which is written in calligraphy for some reason. Does he keep an inkwell in his hair? Because that would be awesome. We also see Ami’s vote for Erik, with accompanying stupidly vapid high school yearbook compliments. Jeff goes to read the votes, and Ami is out, 3-1. See ya! Don’t feel sorry for you at all.
Okay, this season needs to get interesting, and quickly, or someone else needs to get awesome. Because if Eliza bites the dust soon, I’m going to have a really hard time caring unless some spectacular strategy is suddenly displayed.