Survivor Finale, Part 2: Enjoy the Truck! And the Soul Crushing Guilt!
By Schoonie|Wednesday, May 23, 2007 | 9:59 pm | 34 Comments
Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen?Final Immunity Challenge! I was going to make a whole bunch of Princess Bride comparisons, but Dalton Ross has beat me to it. That sort of…sucks, but that’s what I get for trying to go all George Lucas with the trilogies. The setup is not elaborate, but it is pretty awesome. There are four identical platforms which are tilted at thirty-five degrees toward a pool of water. The four survivors will get up onto the platforms and hang onto them. Every five minutes, Probst will increase the angle by five degrees, progressively dumping the Survivors into the water (and simultaneously wishing that Jonny Fairplay were there for him to carry out his sadistic fantasies, instead of four sort of nice people). The last person hanging wins immunity. This is where Probst tells them that the Final 3 will face the jury. Oh, and there is also a Chinese water torture element to the whole thing, because some barrels will be dumping water slowly onto their persons and making the platform slippery throughout the whole challenge, because you know who would win this? Jack Bauer.
Keifer Sutherland: WHERE IS THE SUITCASE NUKE, CASSANDRA? TELL ME!
The challenge begins. Cassandra doesn’t fall until around fifteen minutes, and I put her over/under at five, so good for her. Also, the whole thing looks extremely painful and tense, so kudos to the designers, and also I’m not sure I would have lasted that long. Oh, and every time Jeff increases the angle, you can tell that he is really enjoying it. If he had a handlebar moustache, he would be twirling it.
After another ten minutes the other three are still hanging and in intense pain. Earl grunts, and some caption guy translates it as “my wrists”, but unless Earl speaks that language that Jabba the Hut speaks, I’m doubting it. They all look like they are being tortured. Which they kind of are, because Jeff will not stop talking. At least be like, “WHERE ARE THE DOCUMENTS?” to add to the atmosphere instead of tossing everything you can think of out into the air, Dreamz version of Jeff.
Earl falls next. Dreamz shoots a look at Yau-man, and he looks so evil, like he’s hiding something. This is where I started to think that Dreamz was going to screw over Yau-man. That look. Also, why not just fall so you’re not faced with the choice? Because you’re full of shit and have been spewing moralistic crap in the confessionals, when what you really want is the money.
Yau-man, of course, falls. Sigh. Dreamz wins immunity.
The Tod from Scrubs pops up out of the water seconds later to administer the ne’er used “Sorry, You’re Screwed Five”.
Back at camp, everyone but Dreamz has a discussion about the fact that they think he’ll follow through on his end of the deal, after which they will vote him out. Dreamz comes over to them and sits down with a look of trepidation on his face. Yau-man, sensing this: “Hey, Dreamz? If you change your mind, can you at least not vote me?”
No! Don’t give him the out by offering an alternative means! Press his ass and make his one track mind think that he will go to hell if he doesn’t! Bad move, Yau-man. Dreamz tries to be coy and ask Yau-man why he thinks Dreamz would ever change his mind. Oh, I don’t know, because you are a zombie freak who operates largely on whim?
Yau-man interviews next to the immunity necklace about how nervous he is about Dreamz. Welcome to the club. Population: me. Also, you owe back dues for the last thirty-eight days. Way to join the party late. There are no more scones, but there’s definitely plenty of Jack Daniels.
Dreamz tells Cassandra and Earl how hard it is going to be to give up a million dollars. He doesn’t talk about how hard it is to give up an OPPORTUNITY at a million dollars, he’s talking about the money itself. What I’m saying is, he thinks he’s seriously, actually going to win. That’s not a joke, even. Well, it is, but not in the way we’re all thinking.
Earl tells Dreamz that he think he’ll do the right thing. And, get this: Dreamz explicitly refers to keeping the necklace as “the wrong thing” and tells Earl and Cassandra that if he does that, they’d better vote for Yau. So, later when he tells you that his whole plan was to manipulate Yau-man, and that the right thing for him was to go after the money, for his kids? You can do a little Control F on this paragraph right here, in which he is full of shit for not the first time. I’ll even put a rarely-used word here so that you can come right to it. Amalgamation. There. Search for that.
Dreamz interviews that the benefit to giving the immunity necklace up is the opportunity to show everyone that he is who he’s been saying he is for this entire time. To him, it means “I am noble, I am a truth-teller, I am…Dreamz.” So, one-third of that sentence is right, which is on par with everything else he’s said all season. Plus, he refers to himself in the third person, and you know what that means? Dead to me. I mean, if he wasn’t already.
Tribal Council! Probst spends eight hundred thousand minutes drilling Dreamz about his decision making process. In case you are curious, it is not an easy choice to make. Also, Dreamz basically affirms my hypotheses regarding his inability to think beyond what is occurring right at the moment in which he exists by being like, “Well, at the time, I wanted the truck. Now I want the money. Later, I may want a sourdough melt.”
Probst asks Yau-man whether he did any work to make sure that Dreamz kept his side of the deal. Yau-man, already knowing that he is royally screwed, looks at Jeff. “Whatev. Can we get to this, please? Your questions bore me.”
Jeff asks Yau-man what his gut feeling is about whether Dreamz will keep the deal when it comes time, and Yau-man tells Jeff that he thinks Dreamz will do that, because saying no gives Dreamz license to keep it for himself, even if Yau-man already knows what’s going to happen. Which he does. Jeff gives Yau one last opportunity to talk to Dreamz, and basically Yau-man tells him that whatever he does, he’s going to have to live with it. Well, that, or (as he will later do) rationalize it by painting a revisionist picture in which he expects everyone to believe that he is a better strategist than YAU-MAN, of all people.
He will, of course, not be giving up the necklace. He looks very distraught about all of it.
You think Jesus can still tell which one is me if I do this?
You know, out of the great tapestry of frustration that Dreamz has woven for me over the course of this season, this is what irks me the most. I don’t blame him for wanting to keep the necklace. I think it was a good move on his part that ended up keeping him in the game. He’s got a family to take care of, taxes to pay on a car. Good call by Dreamz. However, what I do blame him for is the fact that he doesn’t own it. You can tell that Dreamz himself honestly thought he was going to be giving away the necklace until about five minutes before he kept it. He told us that he was planning on giving it way, to keep his honor. So please Dreamz, just tell us that you decided to keep it for yourself, and that you honestly thought you were going to eject yourself from the game to keep your integrity, but that at the last minute you changed your mind, because you wanted the money, and you’re okay with that. This, of course, did not happen. Instead, he decided to try to fool everyone and talk about how he was planning on doing all of this the whole time, and how he wanted the car AND the money, and aren’t you all dumb for believing him. That is some bullshit, right there. You can’t spend a large part of the episode (or of the entire season) talking about what a good person you are and how terrible everybody else is and how much better and moral you are then them, and then in the last five seconds of the season pretend to be the second coming of Richard Hatch. Your hand is in the cookie jar, dude, and you have crumbs around your mouth. Don’t tell us all about your elaborate plan to blame it on your little brother. That’s insulting to all of us.
God, so repulsive to think about. Moving on.
So, time to vote. Guess what? Three votes for Yau-man, one for Cassandra, so Yau-man is out. It’s…actually sort of understandable, except for all the stuff I’ve already said. Yau-man gets snuffed; in his final words, he is predictably gracious about things and is surprised that Earl did not try to force the tie so that he had a shot against Cassandra. Well, it’s probably because you would have whipped her ass at a fire building contest and Earl doesn’t want you around winning the million dollars that is now his, but it could be anything.
Before I leave, I must reveal one final twist. There’s one more idol buried back at camp. And it looks like a coconut. Run, fetch!
Bye, Yau-man. You were really cool. I hope you’ve officially taken over the “most popular Survivor ever” title from Rupert, because I cannot stand that guy.
Back at camp, we get out last Tribal Council night vision of the season. All three of the remaining contestants worry about the jury ripping them up for their actions. Is she worried that she wasn’t positive enough? I don’t get it.
Dreamz talks all about how he had to screw over Yau-man, and how he had no choice and has no regrets. He also says he planned it out “step by step”. Like the step where he voted for Mookie when everyone else voted out Ed, or the other step where he tried to vote out Yau-man but was completely unsuccessful, or when he straight up told Cassandra that “every plan he’s tried hasn’t worked.” Dude, just admit that you fumbled your way to the end! God.
Morning of Day 39. It’s the last day! The three castaways go trudging up the hill to get their last bit of treemail. It looks like the Bataan Death March; they look both worn out and pissed that some producer asshole who has been eating for the last month is telling them what to do, again. Of course, when they see that there’s a setup for a feast, their eyes light up like it’s Christmas morning and they go barreling toward it. The clue tells that that a plane will be dropping the food for them. Bring on the superfluous plane!
The three of them make an X on the beach for the plane. The plane, of course, flies past it completely and drops the food in the water, where it was told to drop it. Cassandra looks put out. Dreamz looks confused. (Surprise!) Earl sighs, shakes his head, and goes to get the box, because he knows Cassandra will take eight years to get it, and Dreamz will worry that they have to let whatever’s inside free so that it can get some air. Also, how the hell are they going to open a box without Yau-man there to do it for them?
There’s a huge breakfast setup, which they proceed to enjoy while talking about how proud of themselves they are for having made it so far. Oh, and Dreamz was homeless.
Earl looks around the camp, surveying his kingdom. You can tell he’s really, really tired of staring at the same crap for 39 days. Know how? Because he wants to burn everything. He tells us about how he’s planning on burning those palm fronds that he’s been sleeping on over there. (Dreamz: “Burn!”) That log? It’s gonna burn. (Dreamz: “Burn.”) Even that case that just got here this morning, with the foot in it. It’s gotta burn. (Dreamz: “Burn.”) That immediately reminded me of Astronaut Jones. (Why don’t you jump out that space suit and show me that fatass?)
Earl (seeing his opportunity): “It’s a fire sale!” Oh man, that is awesome, because the only thing that could make Earl cooler than he already is would be for him to be an Arrested Development fan, too.
WE’RE HAVING A FIRE (sale)!
Cassandra hands Earl a pair of underwear that belongs to an unknown person. Earl says that that’s “really gotta burn”. Dreamz, a half hour later: “Burn.”
Dreamz tells us again how proud of himself he is, and how he feels like he’s standing next to Oprah. Well dude, I hate to break it to you, but if you had taken a dive in the name of your integrity? You probably would have been. And she would have given you stuff. But enjoy the truck, and the zero votes you are about to receive. It’s a great consolation prize.
Final Tribal Council! Opening statements. Earl says that he plaed an honest, clean game (I think this was actually supposed to be a subtle shot at Dreamz), and got to the end by putting himself in right position so he didn’t have to sacrifice his integrity. Largely true. He asks for them to vote the respect vote, not the sympathy or underdog vote. Boy, he’s really got Cassandra and Dreamz numbers, doesn’t he?
Cassandra talks about how she has never waivered, be loyal to the people that were loyal to her, and tried to stay positive. Also true. You will be shocked to hear that she hopes everyone can be friends afterwards.
Dreamz opens with his life story. Homelessness is a strategy, apparently. He hopes their votes count and helps him to help other people. So, no argument about how you played the game? No attempt to win the million, other than a plea for sympathy money? Wow, Boo was totally wrong about this part.
And now: the jury questioning. Get ready for the parade of assholes, people. They’re twirling batons this year. And throwing candy. But the crappy candy, those peanut butter things that come in the orange and black wrapping that you used to hate getting every Halloween.
Michelle is going first. (She’s not part of the parade, by the way. She accidentally drove into the middle of it, and now she’s smiling and waving at everyone.) By the way, she looks really attractive here. Call me, Michelle! She wants each of them to tell her what the biggest hardship they faced and overcame was; she words the question like she wants a concrete answer, not some elaboration on strategy. Dreamz tells her that sleeping in the dirt and starving was no big deal, because he grew up having to do that. Not that he wants your sympathy, or for you to be aware that he was homeless when you vote, as he mentioned earlier. This, of course, does not mean that he won’t be mentioning it every five seconds from this point forward. He’s just saying, he doesn’t want you to have any sympathy for him. Right before you vote.
As he said, the hard part for Dreamz wasn’t the food, but the water, because when he was homeless (Has he mentioned that he was homeless? Because: He was homeless.) there was always water from hoses or whatever. The hard part was having no water, and then having to do challenges. That’s probably true, and would be the hardest thing for me to deal with. Cassandra tells Michelle that the hardest thing for her was to overcome her inability to swim. She doesn’t give the real answer, which was that she spent 39 days coexisting with Dreamz with no break whatsoever, with him breathing town her neck all “Let’s get rid of Boo! No, let’s get rid of Alex! Wait, who is closest in proximity to me? That is the only qualifier! Boot Mookie! No, Rich! Can we get rid of Rich? Is Boston Rob on this island somewhere? Let’s get rid of him! And then Amber! I’m always confused! I feel funny! My head hurts!”.
Michelle moves on to Earl, and when she says his name, she busts out this huge, excited smile, and you can tell right there that she’s going to vote for him. It doesn’t matter what Earl says. Irrelevant! Anyway, bye Michelle!
Edgardo is next. His question is for Earl. How did Earl find out who had the immunity idol from their alliance? Earl waits the perfect amount of time, smirks a little, and then just says “Dreamz.” Dreamz sits to Earl’s left and looks busted. What’s a zombie to do? That’s it for Ed, who returns to his seat. All he needs to know! Ha. I found that to be sort of petty and self-centered, but also weirdly awesome, in a way. Like, he’s at least open about the fact that he’s going to base his vote on personal issues, instead of cloaking it in a veil of morality and abject, bald-faced hypocrisy like the rest of these people are about to do.
Mookie is up next. He smiles like he’s about to totally burn these people. As many people on these shows who smile like this do (Mirna) (Lex) (Judd), he’s clearly actually about to make a fool of himself instead, and then be really proud about it later. (Speaking of which, if you have not read the TV Guide interview with Mirna in which she says, with total seriousness, that she suspected that the Beauty Queens were prostituting themselves for money because they always had it when no one else did, you should check it out. It will cement your hatred of her forever, even if you don’t like the BQs. She also says in the same interview that she was put on the race “to provide comedy” because she’s “pee your pants hilarious”. I’ll let that speak for itself.) Mookie asks Dreamz whether he told anyone about their immunity idol. Dreamz says yes. Mookie asks him if he would consider that a betrayal. Dreamz’ response: “No. It’s lying.” Oh, that makes perfect sense! Way to make me side with Mookie, jackass. Great. Now I need a shower.
Mookie pushes him some more. “Really? You don’t consider giving away the biggest secret of an alliance of which you were a part to be betrayal?” Dreamz: “Well, that might be the way YOU see it, but to me, it’s just a lie, just a con, just a deceit, it’s just a…” and then he trails off, because the next word in that syntactic soup of synonyms would be: BETRAYAL. Way to think on your feet! Quick, tell him you were homeless! It’ll throw him off the scent!
Also, you will be surprised to know that issues of semantics elude Dreamz. His whole game has just been so crude, you know? Flying by the seat of his pants, acting according to his whim without thinking about the long term implications (see also: the truck), and fumbling his way through to the Final 3. It’s a bit late to argue the finer points of your “betrayal” versus “a lie” there, buddy, because there are no finer points. That equation, from where I am sitting, equals zero and therefore Does Not Exist. You’ve already demonstrated through your words and actions that your grasp on that particular portion of the game (which would be, you know, THE WHOLE THING) is tenuous at best. Mookie then squanders all the high ground he just built by offering a word of advice. I hate when people offer “words of advice” because if you have not asked someone for advice, and they give it to you, it’s usually not advice, but a tactic to allow them to gain the moral high ground. Mookie would like everyone to know that tonight is not the time to lie. He clearly thought that this was going to be his shining moment. Dreamz rolls his eyes. Word, Dreamz. (Wait, what?) Mookie, a word of advice: SIT. DOWN.
Alex. Sigh. I guess I have to write about this. He immediately takes a crossed-arm stance. First, he asks Cassandra to describe a moment in which she “grappled the most with maintaining her integrity”. Cassandra mentions a time during the beginning of the game when she walked into a conversation between Alex and Boo involving Cassandra herself, and she had to decide whether to listen or to walk away. Alex gets all pointy and tells Cassandra that one of two things are going on. Either (one) she’s lying, and that was not, “in fact”, her biggest struggle, or (two) she cared very little about taking Stacy, “pretending” to like her, and then dumping her when it suited Cassandra to do so. Alex is basically saying that Cassandra took advantage of Stacy for her own personal gain. Solid, considering that’s THE WHOLE POINT of this game.
Anyway, there are three issues with this statement. One: Cassandra sort of, you know, didn’t vote Stacy out. Two: Just what the fuck was Alex planning on doing with Stacy if she had stayed with him instead? Didn’t he tell everyone he was planning on ditching her at five to go to the end with the Four Horsemen? Apparently he was planning on going to the end with her, and then throwing himself under the bus so that she could have the money, because he loves her just that much that he needs to protect her honor in the face of Cassandra, of all people? Hate.
And, most importantly, Three: Alex, before he asks this question, has already decided what he considers the answer to be (since Cassandra didn’t mention Stacy in her response), and has therefore rehearsed this entire thing and, as a result, has cemented his status as this seasons Biggest Asshole on that merit alone. Seriously, he gets to decide what Cassandra’s biggest struggle was when he was never ONCE aligned with her, spent his entire game on the side opposite to hers, and then towards the end when he was doomed, she was the only one who was nice to him when he was ostrasized? Shut up, Alex’s faux moral outrage.
So, Alex says all this, and invites Cassandra to respond. Cassandra begins logically responding with the point that she didn’t vote out Stacy, Yau-man and Earl did, so maybe he’s asking the wrong person this question and he should shut up right now, but Alex cuts her off quite rudely, because that’s the way this went when he rehearsed it in his head. “I get to talk.” he says, after just asking her a question. So what, it was rhetorical? He starts ordering her around, and demanding that she shut up, when he just asked her a question not two minutes ago. When Cassandra (quite correctly) ignores him, he asks if he needs to say it in Spanish and asks Edgardo to translate so that she will understand. Because Cassandra’s Hispanic? I don’t get it. He’s so proud of this line, you can tell. It’s almost written on his hand it’s so rehearsed. And you just know he sat around in the Loser Lodge with Ed and came up with it after hours of brainstorming, after which they laughed to each other about how clever it was and then high-fived a bunch, referencing Scarface and whatnot. Sort of like that conversation he had with Mookie.
Man, it takes a lot do make yourself look the worst in a season which contains both Lisi and Rocky, but congratulations for getting that done.
Alex moves on to Dreamz, and he says, without irony, “riddle me this”. Thanks, Adam West! You think when someone inevitably punches him in the face, one of those giant “POW” cartoon bubbles will appear? I sure hope so. Alex says something to Dreamz about how since he professes to be a role model for kids, why would lying and cheating be a good path for him to follow as an example for the kids that “you and I” (me, from the couch: “snort”) are trying to help? So, acting like a pompous shit-stirring douche with little to no logical basis for acting as such when given a public forum is also an adequate demonstration of leading by example? Just checking.
Dreamz tells Alex (and this is the only time I’m going to agree with Dreamz, so watch carefully) that Survivor isn’t like the real world, because the whole idea behind the game is to lie and cheat your way to the top, so there’s nothing that’s not acceptable. In the real world, that is not the case. True. Alex moves on, because this is a rare show of logic from Dreamz, and he’s already totally faced Cassandra, OMG, everybody’s so going to be talking about what a badass he is when this airs. Alex: “Well, I would wish you luck, but unlike you I’m a man of my word, so I don’t wish you any luck at all.” And then he makes Stacy’s bitchface. Oh, BURN! You guys, he is so awesome. If you ever see him on the street, be sure to show him your boobs or something.
Honestly, did he read that insult off of the desk in a fourth grade classroom? He is nowhere near as smart as he believes himself to be.
Moving on, FINALLY. Oh, but it’s to Lisi. She has also clearly rehearsed this entire thing. She starts with a little game of “eenie meenie” but with the words changed to talk about lying and karma and all of the things about which she has no concept. After she’s done, she asks to see Cassandra’s water shoes. Cassandra obliges with a most excellent WTF face, and Lisi proceeds to insult her shoes, calling them the worst looking water shoes that she’s ever seen. This, apparently, tells her that Cassandra was completely unprepared to play the game. Would Cassandra agree with that? As a general rule, when searching for a metaphor, please do not start with conservatively designed, functionally suitable footwear.
Cassandra says that no, she does not agree with that, because it’s sort of the last day, and given how her and her water shoes are still around and Lisi’s on the jury still digging dirt out of her nostrils from that time when she fell on her face, she thinks her shoes are just fine, thanks. I don’t get any of this. Are they white and is it after Memorial Day? Because if not, I’m lost.
Cassandra, awesomely: “I don’t see the relevance in the question.” Wow, that one sentence was a better insult than Alex’s entire diatribe. Lisi tries to clarify that she brought up the shoes because they are a metaphor for greed or something. Various WTF faces follow: Probst, Yau-man, Earl. She asks Cassandra to agree with the fact that water shoes = greed. Are they Prada water shoes? I need more details.
Cassandra is like, “Well, we’re sort of all here for the million dollars, so it’s not a greed thing, it’s a We’re On The Same Show, so Shut Up thing. What, are you here to enjoy the company of Rocky?” Lisi takes this as vindication and starts throwing her hands in the air like “I’m RIGHT!” and you can see immediately that she’s wearing a Kabbalah Bracelet, as if you needed any more indication that she is a giant poseur.
She moves onto Dreamz; she asks him how many zeroes are in a million dollars, seeking yet again to make him feel dumber than she is, which is so despicable. He’s like, “Well, six. Could you make it a little less obvious that you’re trying to make me feel dumb?” I’d feel a lot worse about the whole classist aspect of this if Dreamz wasn’t basically attempting to do the same thing (with the same degree of success) to the eighteen million people who watch this show every week. Quick, ask me how many zeroes are in a million dollars! Now ask me whether I buy Dreamz’ story that he was playing Yau-man all along, and his confused stares and tenuous grasp on reality was actually all a ruse to net him both a car and the money!
But props for confusing Lisi, anyway, who asks him to repeat it because she thinks it’s the wrong answer, but she catches herself at the last minute. You can see it in her head: “Oh! SEVEN figures, but SIX zeroes. Math is so tricky.” As I’m sure you are aware, I don’t like Dreamz at all, but no one deserves this, especially not from Lisi, you know? Well, maybe Alex.
Lisi then asks Earl why he put on such a big show yesterday after Yau got voted out, when he voted for Yau in the first place. Earl: “Well, because I was counting the zeroes in the one million dollar check that was written out to ME, right there in that instant. The look of surprise was actually an expression of imminent success. You don’t have my check, do you?”
Stacy’s next. She says that the only difference she sees between Earl and Dreamz is that Earl is a little bit more sophisticated. Well, that and the use of a logic-based decision making process. Since Earl is better off in the real world than Dreamz is, Stacy would like to know whether she should base her vote on need or not. The correct answer, which Earl gives, is that it’s a million dollars, so it will change anyone’s life; he shouldn’t be disadvantaged because he has a job and a car. The show is not called The Great Big Affirmative Action Hour with Jeff Probst. Again, not to crap on Dreamz’ struggle, but he got the amount of votes that he deserved for the game that he played, as I’ve already stated.
Rocky is up next. He has been talking to Nate, because he would like everyone to say why they are “the biggest kicker”, meaning that he wants to know what makes each of them the best at the game. Wait, a game related question? From ROCKY? Surprise, everyone!
Cassandra says that she is the biggest “kicker” because she listened to everyone when they needed to talk and that she could then provide some good feedback. Rocky cuts her off because he thinks that this is not an appropriate answer. But, here’s the thing: it’s actually a great answer. Cassandra played a really good game because she was an excellent active listener. She kept her ear to the ground, listened to what was going on, and made a choice based on the information that she had, which was often more than anyone else had. She made moves when she needed to, she didn’t follow the crowd, and she managed to wrangle Dreamz the entire time and keep him in line with her. She wasn’t a follower because she made her own choices on several occasions, including the decision to try to get Yau-man out at six. People think that she didn’t do anything because she sucked at the challenges, but I am telling you, she was a ninja. Juries don’t tend to respect that kind of game, so someone who plays like her never wins unless the jury really hates all the other options. I’m not saying Earl didn’t deserve his win, because I think he did, but I also think that Cassandra hasn’t gotten nearly enough credit for doing the amazingly cool subtle things that she did.
So, Rocky gives her another chance to answer, and when she repeats her whole thing he cuts her off. He moves on to Dreamz, who tells Rocky that he deserves the money because he made sure that every time he was on the chopping block he transferred the attention to someone else and that’s how he avoided elimination. He also says that he manipulated Yau-man. Wrong! Also, a poor choice if he wants votes, given how defensive everyone’s been about him so far. Hanging around picking your nose and telling everyone all about your day in a giant run on sentence until all the adults were done talking and had made a choice about who to vote out does not count as “strategy”. Half the time, they told you the wrong name anyway, because they thought you would tattle on them. Rocky commends him for his direct (untrue) answer, because the real answer is that he got to the end by being a mindless, information spewing automaton for thirty-six days, and then doing something that he originally wasn’t planning on doing in the first place and equivocating about it.
Earl tells Rocky that he’s the best because he never even got a vote; he made a lot of strategic decisions, and that’s how he got to the end. True! Rocky thanks him and sits down, coming off (overall) considerably better than I would have expected him to.
Boo. First he gives propers to Yau. Boo basically wants to know whether Dreamz intended on keeping the deal when he first made it, or whether he was planning to break it the entire time. He wants Dreamz’ “Christian answer” and he keeps heaving religion all over the place. And as I have said, with his accent, he sounds almost uncannily like the God Warrior.
Dreamz, of course, equivocates and can’t give a yes or no answer. He talks all about how close he is with everyone, wonders why the Earth rotates around the sun as it does, predicts the outcome of next year’s World Series, asks questions about the Dharma Initiative, starts handing out Schrute bucks all over the place. He just talks and talks and talks in hopes that everyone will forget that he has no idea what he’s doing, ever, at any point, including the moment in which we all exist, right now. Boo keeps harassing him to answer the question, but since Dreamz doesn’t know the answer (Seriously, he doesn’t. Think about that momentarily. Are you not scared shitless?) there’s nothing you can do. The two are trapped in the historic Supreme Court battle of Dreamz v. Logic, Reason et al., a battle that has been fought and appealed on numerous occasions throughout the season and to which no definitive outcome has been (or ever will be) decided.
Then Boo says something about Christians not being for sale, but tell that to all those ancient Roman lions. Zing!
Yau-man is next. He says that he can admit when he’s made a mistake, and then he proceeds to blame himself for his own elimination (bringing the total number of jurors with some perspective re: that particular issue to ONE), and then tells Dreamz to enjoy the truck and not to feel guilty about having it. Dreamz thanks Yau-man because he was never intending on giving back the truck in the first place. Yau-man then tells Dreamz that he’s going to give him the chance to “have the gonads” to tell everyone why he changed his mind about the truck. Dreamz literally says the following words: “Yau-man, I did not change my mind.”
Marinate on that shit for a moment. How do you argue with someone so divorced from reality like this? He actually thinks that this is the case. He has convinced himself that he did not lie.
You guys, the call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE.
Yeah, I look at him like that too, but it’s mostly because I think he’s one of the Final Five Cylons.
He is the most terrifying thing in the history of mankind. That is all.
Dreamz means to convey that he never had any intention of honoring the deal (Lies!) and that he’s sorry he had to pull one over on Yau-man like that. Yau-man clarifies, because Dreamz has said it in his usual wishy-washy garbled random-speak, like he’s Beaker from the Muppets. Then, fucking get this: Dreamz tells Yau-man that he should have remembered that it was a game, and he is so condescending about it that my face turns a new color which, last I checked, is not found on our modern color wheel. I was so angry that light refracted off of my face in a heretofore undiscovered way.
Yau-man smiles, because Dreamz is super-transparent at all times and Yau knows he is full of shit. “So, you’re not going to admit that you changed your mind?” Dreamz sticks to the theory that he was never planning on honoring the deal. Seriously, I cannot believe that he expects us all to buy this “Dreamz is an evil mastermind” theory after we’ve seen him say what he does in confessionals. I know I’ve already talked about it, but: damn, yo.
Dreamz apologizes for having to be so deceitful, and then scolds Yau-man for forgetting that the whole thing is a game. Thanks for the lesson, Dreamz! Yau-man is taking notes about how to play the game from you, so that he does it right next time.
Also, Yau-man forgot that it was a game? That must be why he’s taking this whole thing so personally and not taking responsibility at all. Put it in your burn book, Yau-man. You’ll get him. (Shh…Dreamz slept with the gym teacher. Don’t tell anybody.)
Because Dreamz is missing the entire point, Yau-man basically says, “So you are not going to admit that you changed your mind about the immunity necklace?” and when Dreamz affirms that yes, he was planning on screwing Yau-man the entire time (lies!) and also that
he was one of the original signatories to the Declaration of Independence, ghostwrote part of The
Iliad and invented modern democratic process. What? It’s true! Dreamz himself has said it, so it must be true. Remember how we were in Iraq at first because of the WMDs, and now all of a sudden we’re there to liberate a tortured people? Dreamz is this concept personified.
Yau-man, clearly incredulous that Dreamz has completely forgotten everything that he has said and done over the past 39 days (because empirical evidence is for pussies like Yau-man who didn’t make the final three, instead of strategic geniuses like Dreamz), he
politely moves on to Earl. He wants to know why Earl voted for him. Because Earl is not an idiot, he tells the truth, which is that he knew he would lose against
Yau-man, so he voted him out. Up front, honest, respectful, to the point. See how easy that was, Dreamz?
Whew. That was tiring.
Time for the jury to vote. They show exactly zero of the votes, which was clue number one. Jeff goes to get the votes, but we will of course be waiting until it’s live in New York for them to be read. Apparently the “Jeff takes a journey through the jungle and on a waterski over shark infested waters to read the votes” segment is a thing of the past, which is too bad because those things were awesome. Indiana Jeff and the Temple of Douche! Coming soon to a theatre near you.
Speaking of theatres, we’re now in the Ed Sullivan Theatre in New York, where David Letterman is filmed. The final three are already seated as Jeff enters. It should be stated that Cassandra cleans up really nicely, Earl has had his teeth fixed, and Dreamz has
shaved and is rocking a pretty nice looking watch. Jeff has to spend a few minutes quieting everybody down before reading the votes.
The first one is for Earl. The place erupts in applause. The next two are also for Earl, who starts to look a little overwhelmed. Dreamz looks like he can’t believe he’s not winning. After the fourth vote for Earl, Cassandra starts congratulating him. The fifth vote is read, and Earl wins! Yes! That’s pretty awesome. Two good winners in one season! Yul
and Earl for All-Stars 2!
It turns out that Earl got all nine votes, which is a Survivor first. Also, he deserved every single one of them.
Next time: The Reunion. Subtitle: Dreamz babbles for forty-nine minutes. See you in a couple of days, I promise. Also, if we’re both in the game at final four and I have immunity, I’ll totally give it to you.
Like most people in America, Schoonie watches entirely too much reality television. Unlike most people, Schoonie gets to share his opinions with the world, which is pretty rad. Currently living in Chicago, Schoonie's been with Tvgasm since 2006. He spends his free time writing Survivor fan fiction (Letters to Penthouse, all featuring Rupert!) , playing with his cover band, and playing with his other cover band. Also, this one time, Lisi fell.