Tonight, on Survivor: Finger Guns, people. The line to hate this guy forms to the left. Foa Foa, Day 4. “Tribal Council was a lot of fun,” Russell says. “Marisa is gone for no other reason but ME.” He’s very proud of himself, but: really. It’s the first boot, short stuff. Don’t get too excited. Russell decides that his next move is to comfort Betsy (who wasn’t in on the Russell plan), which he accomplishes by accusing her of judging him based upon appearances while he stands there in his underwear with a tooth missing, like he’s dressed as Cletus The Slack-Jawed Yokel at the world’s worst Halloween Party.
“Hey Brandeen! Get over here!”
Betsy, who tells him they’re going to have to agree not to trust each other. “I’m not afraid to stand up to him at all!” Betsy says. Well, you are taller, so you have that going for you. Anyone would have that advantage, though.
After the credits, we’re at Galu. Enjoy this scene, because it’s all you’re going to see at Galu Beach today. Let’s get to know Yasmin! This involves listening to her complain about bug bites and being outdoors and watching her walk around the camp bowl-legged, for some reason. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m going to go ahead and blame Tyler Perry for it.
Back at Foa Foa, Ben catches a tiny salamander and proceeds to cook it over the fire. Meanwhile, Jaison is confronting Russell over in the woods about the Marisa boot, since he was “a bit shocked” that it went that way. Russell tries to tell him that Marisa was “being a power player” somehow, but it doesn’t make any sense and serves no purpose other than to make Russell feel smarter than everyone else. “Jaison is perfect to bring along with me,” Russell says, making Jaison roughly the 23,763th person to earn this description.
“This bamboo stick would be PERFECT to bring along with me to the end.”
And now, things get interesting: Russell’s seen enough episodes of this show to know that there’s probably an immunity idol hidden somewhere around camp. Thus, he is going to take advantage of the predictability of this show and attempt to locate it without any clues. We see him poking around the treemail area and dismantling various parts of the camp before he begins to eye a nook at the base of a tree in the center of camp. Everyone at camp has figured out what Russell is up to, and they just sort of watch him and laugh at what they perceive to be his total idiocy. But, here’s the thing: the damn idol is actually hidden in the tree, so he sticks it in his boxer briefs, and there you have it: Thanks to the laziness of the production staff and the continual predictability of this show, Russell is now the proud owner of an immunity idol. I have to say, I kind of love him a little for taking advantage of the show like this. Frankly, it’s pretty damn smart, and thus I must reluctantly give it up for him. Pretty damn intelligent.
Russell immediately shows the idol to Jaison telling us that he wants Jaison to trust him in the long run. He then buries the idol, cackling to himself. I’m really sorry everyone, I know he is a hateful person, but that? Was totally rad.
Thanks, Mark Burnett, for paying all of your attention to Audrina instead of coming up with new and interesting things for Survivor!
The treemail tells Foa Foa to paint themselves up like Samoan warriors, and it even comes with diagrams to help them out. The challenge turns out to be this season’s full contact contest: three members of each tribe battle for balls in the center of a muddy court, and then they must pass the ball to tribemates up on platform, who will shoot balls into a basket on other end of the field for a point. First to three wins immunity, fishing gear, and, of course, a twist to be revealed after challenge.
In the first round, the men are wrestling and the women are the shooters. Gotta love recapping these challenges, because it’s like: there is tackling, for minutes at a time. Foa Foa scores the first point after Mike and his large, old body manage to hold off the younger guys pretty well. The next round puts the women down in the pit, and Galu manages to tie it up.
At this point, Probst stops the challenge. “What I’m seeing, it’s right on the line of getting ugly,” he says. “No chokes or cheap shots, and if I catch you, you’re out of challenge.” You can kind of tell that Probst and the production staff decided beforehand that they were going to be ejecting someone today in order to make some minor headlines.
And who’s the lucky victim? It’s Ben, who gets caught tripping the Russell who does not suck from behind. This leaves Foa Foa down one person, which allows Galu to score again after Ashley is left to defend to large, large men. During the last round, Mike takes another hard hit, and he just stands there, stunned, while the other members of Foa Foa scream at him and Galu scores their last point, winning the challenge.
Before everyone leaves, Probst asks Ben about being kicked out, and he flexes like an asshole and says, “Outlaw, baby!” because he’s apparently an outlaw. It says so on his arm, so that makes it true!
Douche chills, everywhere.
Probst reads the additional twist, which is that the Russell who does not suck, as leader of Galu, gets to pick someone from his tribe to send back to the other camp. They’ll also get to attend Tribal Council and will be the recipient of another note, which is very likely a clue to the already-found idol that was hidden at Foa Foa. The Russell who does not suck chooses to send Yasmin. Probst also tells Mike to stay back so that medical can take a look at him, since he took such a hard hit at the challenge.
Since the Survivor Medical Team is pretty much the effing grim reaper, we all know what’s going to happen here. They take Mike’s blood pressure, which is shockingly low, and then tell him to stand up so they can take it again. While attempting to stand up, he passes out, and that’s pretty much his death knell. He gets to hug everyone goodbye, and it is not particularly heartfelt because it’s been three days and all. Jeff delivers the bad news that there’s still going to be a Tribal Council tonight, which means that Foa Foa is going to be down three people on Galu at the end of the second episode.
Bye? I guess?
Back at Galu, Shambo takes the newly acquired fishing gear out for a test drive. She says that fishing is her thing, but she ends up floating on her back in a murky pond, enjoying a non-productive afternoon while the rest of the tribe wonders where the hell Shambo and their fishing gear went. She returns to camp later in the day. “Do you want the good news or the bad news first?” she says. She tells them that she didn’t catch anything, and, oh yeah, she lost the mouthpiece to the scuba gear in the swamp, but, see, here’s the good news: there are thousands of fish out there in the sea just waiting to be caught! Fiddle dee dee, let’s herald her achievements with a celebration in her honor! I think she may have smoked one too many joints at all those Quiet Riot concerts.
Meanwhile at Foa Foa, Yasmin calls everyone over for a brief meeting. She announces that she is not the enemy, and that she wants to help them strategize since its been “like taking candy from a baby” so far. Wow, she’s really making a lot of friends here. She continues to ramble on about how terrible they all are, mixing her metaphors and yammering continually in one long, insulting run-on sentence. Russell watches this and becomes upset, somewhat rightfully. “She’s full of crap, and I guarantee you she’s gonna pay for that statement!” he says with the camera up his nose.
Soo….yet another thing he has in common with Natalie.
Yasmin also requests to speak with Ben privately. “Let’s talk about the cheap shots,” she says to him all entitled. Ben is like “Talk about what? It’s a competition, it’s not personal or anything.” Yasmin tells him that he tackled her like she was a dude, which you should not do as a gentleman. I guess he was supposed to just allow her to walk right by him and score? I mean, Ben’s a total dick, but he is not incorrect re: this particular battle. But whatever, like choosing a side between Ben and Yasmin is a Sophie’s Choice or something.
She just yaps forever and ever about what an asshole he is, and she is not wrong about that, but also she is a total asshole as well so who gives a shit. So Ben goes to the one place you should never, ever go, which is to begin getting borderline racist by insulting her grammar skills and calling her a hooker, as if he is somehow classier than her, with his “OUTLAW” tattoo.
Cheetos vs. Redbull
Everyone at camp can hear them fighting, and it’s impossible to tell whether they’re rolling their eyes at Ben, or Yasmin, or just everything, all of the time. I’m going to go with C. Ben continues to up the racist ante by calling her “ghetto trash”, and then he just goes full retard and says, ON CAMERA, that she should go back home and drink her Kool-Aid. I mean, seriously. What a dick.
That night, Ben makes a lot of noise chopping up random shit while everyone is trying to sleep, because he hasn’t been quite idiotic enough yet, apparently. Everyone looks around at each other like “is this guy serious?” The next morning, Mick and Jaison talk about what a douche Ben is (and I really hope they end up aligning). “He’s definitely not as big a badass as he thinks he is,” Jaison says. “I mean, who hammers at nothing?” Well, besides Jeff from Big Brother, of course.
“I’m an outlaw! Sleep is for law abiding citizens!”
Betsy, meanwhile, can see the writing on the wall, and she’s pretty sure that her time is almost up. She begins to lobby for Ben to leave instead, pointing out that she’s supposedly going to leave because she’s a liability at challenges, but that Ben is actually responsible for their most recent loss. She takes this very good point to Ashley, who begins to think the better of getting rid of her. Russell, however, puts the kibosh on this immediately. “I want to keep Ben, so he’s going to stay, because whatever I want, happens!” he says. Oh, Russell. It’s Day 5. People aren’t exactly concerned about who’s going home, as long as it isn’t them. You’re not the mastermind quite yet there, Midget Sun Tzu.
Tribal Council. Yasmin get to sit and watch over from the jury bench. The whole Yasmin versus Ben fight is recapped for us, and Ben actually calls her “ghetto trash” and then says that she needs to “go back to where she came from”. He means Galu, right? That wasn’t racist at all? Also, way to be an “outlaw” and insult her when she’s not allowed to speak. So brave.
She is barely restraining herself from destroying him.
Russell backs Ben up, saying that Yasmin told everyone that beating Foa Foa was like taking candy from a baby, and then they enjoy the most repulsive High Five this side of the Bush Administration. Jaison wins yet more of my approval by pointing out that Russell and Ben seem to be a lot of bark and no bite. “We can talk and talk, but the point is that we HAVE to win before we can say stuff like this.” Damn right.
Betsy makes a final plea for amnesty by listing all the stupid stuff Ben’s done. Probst takes the opportunity to give Ben more shit about getting kicked out of the challenge. “You never said we were playing with your sissy rules,” Ben says, pissing off Probst. Uh oh, now you’re done. Not pissing off Probst is like half of winning the game, since he’s become Senor Smartass over the last few years.
Time to vote! We see Betsy and Ben vote for each other. Ben’s vote includes the use of finger guns, in case you needed another reason to hate him.
Probst goes to read the votes, and besides Betsy’s vote for Ben, the rest are for her and that’s it for her. Too soon, in my opinion. She seemed like a nice lady.
So, we have two likable people out right at the beginning, and yet? I’m not that sad. This season is already awesome, and there are lots of good characters even if there isn’t really a lot to root for just yet. I’m inevitably disappointed by the heroes on this show anyway. I mean, they just end up disappointing me by becoming James or Rupert or Sugar (ALL THREE OF WHOM I am going to have to deal with next season. If the rumors are true, kill me now), so why not watch a bunch of greedy, ruthless people, am I right?