Survivor: FYI – The Weak People Also Get A Vote

We actually start at Airai this time, where Jason is whining about Mikey begin gone. Frankly, as long as Tracy (and maybe also Alexis) stick around, I could give a pants about any of the newbies. Jason seems like a whiner. He tells us that he hates the tribe he’s on, and wishes that he were on another one. Well, if you wanted that to happen, you should have been on an earlier season of Survivor, jerk. It’s your fault for not being interesting enough.
Meanwhile, Chet and Tracy are celebrating their coup. Well, mostly Chet is celebrating. Tracy knows that they’re going to have to pull some pretty spectacular stuff to make this happen. Chet is like, “I want Jason gone next.” And we all know that Chet is the one who makes the decisions around here. He is a strategic powerhouse the likes of which have ne’er before been seen. Fear him! And his belly button ring!

After the credits, we’re over at the Favorites camp, where they have decided to kill one of their chickens. Ozzy takes advantage of the hubbub to hide the idol over in a cave, and also to tell James that he found it. That is, of course, a very wise move. We know that James has several really smart things to tell us about proper use of the idol. So then, Ozzy goes and tells Amanda and Parvati as well, which is kind of dumb. Don’t tell anyone until you absolutely have to! It’s like Rule No. 1 of idol possession. I hate to say this, but…Ozzy is not really a great strategist. He rocks in challenges, but he actually might be kind of dumb. Evidence is inconclusive so far.

The tribes shuffle in for the reward challenge, where Jeff informs them that they will be mixing up the tribes. Ozzy is actually pissed enough that his mouth needs to be visibly blurred from all the cussing. Seriously, what happens if he ends up on Airai and the idol is at the other camp? Jeff passes out rocks and tells them not to look; the two with colored rocks get to be “team captains”. Ozzy ends up as the captain for Malakal, and Natalie ends up as the captain for Airai. Natalie gets to pick first, and she has to pick someone from the other tribe, so she picks…James. Um, okay? I love how this myth that he’s awesome in challenges (which, quick, name one challenge in which his strength has been an asset) continues to be propagated. James’ strengths are, in descending order: whining about how useless everyone else is, whining about how useless one person in particular is, and whining about how much it sucks to be saddled with idiots. I have yet to see him do anything substantive.

So, anyway, Ozzy decides to pick “Troy”, and there is an awkward pause and Jeff is like “Yeah, there is no Troy.” It would have been awesome if he had to forfeit that pick and Natalie got to pick again, like it’s Wheel of Fortune. But no, Ozzy means Joel, and so his stupid cocky ass gets to go over to Malakal. The tribe picking continues, with people picking others from opposite tribes. Highlights: Ozzy strongarms Joel into picking Amanda, even though the look on Joel’s face is like “But…she’s a GIRL!” Little do you know that she will cut you. Alexis chooses Jonathan, who is like “You SURE?” and you can tell that Alexis is totally in love with Jonathan because of his season, which is how I know that I now like her. Jason chooses “Poverty”, which pisses her off. Chet ends up being last, and Parvati picks Kathy over him. Which, wow. So, the tribes shake out as follows:
Airai: Natalie, James, Parvati, Jonathan, Eliza, Alexis, Jason, and Kathy
Malakal: Ozzy, Joel, Amanda, Cirie, Ami, Erik, Tracy, and Chet

And now it’s time for the reward challenge. Basically the new tribes will be tethered together in teams of two, with one team being the “chasers” and one being the “runners” or something. The teams will be on this course with things to jump over and run around, and tribes will alternate roles, the chasers having one minute to grab a flag from the runners. The reward is a barbeque of steak and veggies. Worth incurring a vast amount of injuries for? Yes, I say.

First, Erik and Ozzy chase Natalie and Kathy. You can tell how this one is going to end, right? Ozzy owns it, and the first point goes to Malakal. Round two is Parvati/Eliza chasing Chet/Joel. Chet seems to keep up fairly well during this round, nimbly leaping over obstacles and whatnot. Right before the end, Eliza makes this ridiculous flying leap and grabs a flag off of Chet. When she reaches out, she kind of flails and totally throws a bow right into Parvati’s face. Parvati has a fat lip that she keeps whining about. I guess there are not a lot of injuries in Foxy Boxing?

In the next round, Ami and Amanda chase Jason and James, and Ami takes a wicked fall and it looks like she’s probably hurt pretty badly. James and Jason get a nice lead, but then they try to go around a tree on opposite sides and get yanked back like the Matrix. It is awesome. And then it gets better when they try and untangle themselves by running around the tree, and only serve to mess themselves up even more. It is phenomenal. So Ami just sort of…walks up and grabs a flag, because these two dolts are busy working on their Three Stooges comedy show. I probably watched that part like ten times.

So, the score is 2-1, Malakal. Next Jonathan and Alexis (see? She likes him) chase Cirie and Tracy. They do okay until they get caught on an obstacle, and then Cirie is so busy fighting off Jon (which she’s been wanting to do for awhile) that Alexis just walks up and snatches the flag. The teams go back to the sidelines, and Jon’s knee is bleeding like a mother.

So now the score is tied and this is the Final Round. Chet and Joel will be chasing Eliza and Parvati. Everything goes okay for the first twenty seconds or so, and then Chet stumbles and falls. Instead of waiting for him to get up so they can resume their chase, he drags him around the course without giving him a chance to get up. Chet is being dragged on his ass, and at one point he hits his head really badly against a branch and gets really discombobulated. Joel, unfamiliar with the concept of teamwork and already feeling contempt for Chet, just keeps dragging him around until time runs out. Wow, I hate him a lot. I thought he was a turd before, but there are no words to describe how terrible he is.

Time runs out and Airai wins the reward. Joel blames Chet, even though the whole thing was really, REALLY Joel’s fault because Chet was doing fine the first time. And then, the following lovely exchange occurs:

Chet: “I hit my head back there.”
Joel: “I don’t care.”
Chet: “I know.”

Seriously? How do you not just start screaming at a guy like that, a guy who has so obviously dismissed you as useless? What do you have to lose? Whatever, Joel sucks.

Back at camp, Joel is like, “Maybe it’s poetic justice of some form because I chose to get rid of Mikey vs. Chet.” No, douche. First of all, Tracy chose to get rid of Mikey, not you. Also, that is not poetic justice. Poetic justice would be him outlasting you. (SPOILED!)

Ozzy gives the newbies a tour of Malakal camp, and they are impressed because theirs looks sort of like Guantanamo. Erik is like, “Wow, a cave!” because he is about fifteen years old and has hair from the Brady Bunch Era. Chet, uninterested in the tour, is tending to the chickens. He tells us all about how there’s a “pecking order” and how chickens will literally peck the weakest one until he dies. So, I’m pretty sure that’s not true, and that the pecking order only applies to who gets to eat first, but perhaps I am wrong. Maybe chickens are a lot more Darwinian than I thought.

Over at Airai, the favorites are like, “Wow, what a shithole.” Seriously. How have I not noticed that they’ve been living in squalor this whole time? I mean, even for Survivor it’s pretty terrible. They start cooking their reward food as the tide sneaks up on them. Of course, the tide goes in and out over the course of a lunar cycle, so this may just be turning into a problem. However, it’s still pretty dumb to build your shelter that close to the water. While they’re cooking, the tide actually runs up on the fire and almost manages to steal their food away. James, of course, takes this opportunity to whine about how terrible everyone is. “I’m surprised their not dead!” he says. Why, without you around, what would they do? I am sorry, but he is an ass. There it is, I said it. He’s had two chances from me, the gong has sounded.

Jonathan’s knee actually appears to be pretty bad, and the Survivor medical team comes in and basically stitches it up, right there on camera. We get really gross, close up shots of his knee being sown up, and it is disgusting. I am glossing over this because it is gross, but I will say that I hope Jon’s knee gets better, because he is awesome and seeing him go out like that would be unfortunate.

Over at Malakal, Ozzy is out in the water with Joel and Erik, and talk turns to the game. Erik tells us that “it was like two superpowers discussing terms”. Um, NO. You want superpowers? Talk to Cirie. And maybe Tracy. Just because someone is big and strong doesn’t automatically make them the leader, or the decision maker. The three of them agree that Chet should probably go. Joel is thinking in terms of Fans v. Favorites still, so he wants a Favorite to go next (Cirie, probably), so that the numbers are back to even. That’s dumb. Why the hell would Ozzy give up a lead like that? Throughout the whole segment (and really, thoughout this whole season), Joel makes smug faces like he’s the one who has the final decision. HATE!

Over at Airai, jaunty music plays while the tribe builds a new shelter. That’s…pretty much the whole segment. Wow, easy! At Malakal, Amanda comes around the corner with a GIANT shark. Like, five feet in length. From the sound of it, it was caught in some kind of trap and died; however, I would not put it past Amanda to have wrestled it until one emerged the victor. I mean, she’s pretty competitive and intense. Ozzy tells us that the catching of the shark is “pretty hot to a guy like me.” Yeah, you know who we should hook up Ozzy with? Grizzly Adams. Their kids would have such pretty hair!

Immunity Challenge! Today four people will throw rocks at tiles, which will release some puzzle pieces. Three other people will move the puzzle pieces into place while a final person sits up on a perch and gives them direction. Basically, it is a team activity. The throwing part begins, and Malakal pulls out in the lead pretty quickly thanks to Tracy absolutely dominating the rock throwing. Joel, it is worth noting, does not break a single tile, contributing nothing. Jonathan actually hits tiles about every time, but he manages to sort of half break them so they don’t completely fall. On the third time this happens, Jonathan screams “MY ASS!” quite hilariously. Malakal begins working to put their puzzle together, with Chet on the perch giving people directions. He appears to be doing a pretty good job, but Joel keeps butting in with “helpful” “suggestions”, basically completely undermining Chet and confusing the shit out of the people working the puzzle. This allows Eliza time to look at the pieces, see the big picture (with the help of Jonathan) and direct the rest of the tribe members until the puzzle’s completion. So, thanks to JOEL, Airai wins immunity and Malakal must attend Tribal Council.

Of course, we come back from Tribal Council and everyone is fucking blaming Chet, even though he did an okay job and really had nothing to do with the loss. Joel is like, “If this were medieval times, we’d have killed him ourselves.” What is with this guy and comparing things to random eras in time? It’s like he’s Bill and Ted, but douchier. Also, I HATE JOEL. What does it have to do with anything? In olden times, you’d still be a douche. So everyone seems pretty set on getting rid of Chet. Cirie, however, has a pow-wow with Chet and Tracy, because she knows that her ass is next if this goes down. They decide that Joel is the one to worry about. Tracy is like, “Well, then let’s take his ass out.” Indeed, let’s.

Cirie deduces that in order for this to go down, Ozzy and Amanda are going to have to vote for Joel. Cirie begins her pitch to get rid of Joel, and Ozzy is like, “But…he’s big! We need him in challenges!” Cirie dispels this myth handily by referencing the fact that he didn’t help at all today, or any other day, come to think of it. I think there is some ill will against Joel for treating Chet like shit at the challenge. Also, Cirie is right. Just because you’re big does not mean you rule at challenges. Ozzy himself is proof of that. Everyone seems to think James is great at challenges, but he’s really not. You know who’s the best after Ozzy? Amanda. Just something to think about. And she’s a girl!

Cirie also mentions that they can use Chet as a pawn and a vote for whatever they want, whereas Joel is out to win. If only they knew that Joel was ridiculously easy to manipulate. I bet that if you made him paranoid enough, you could get him to vote for himself. “You’re out to get you, Joel! You’d better take you out before, uh, YOU do!”

Tribal Council! Jeff starts in on Chet’s utter uselessness, because if there’s anything Jeff digs, it’s falling in love with guys who have no strategic mind at all, but are good at challenges. Joel takes this as a cue to complain about Chet for about eighty years. Chet shakes his head, which makes Joel mad because ‘How dare he suggest that Joel might actually be the one responsible because he is a giant, selfish asshole?’ Joel goes on and on forever about how Chet must have “mud in his ears”, thinking he’s being clever, and I just want him to shut up forever. Tracy finally pipes up all “Well, maybe if you had been a team player and communicated, we might have won, JERK.” But Joel does not listen. I know one way you can get the message across to him!

Time to vote! Erik votes for Chet. Chet votes for Joel. Tracy votes for Joel: “This is because you called me weak one too many times.” she says. Joel votes for Chet and smugs into the camera, because he believes it to be a foregone conclusion.

Time to vote! One vote for Joel. He smirks, because the little people cannot damage him, with their tiny swords. Then there are two for Chet. Still, everything is right in Joel’s world. Another for Joel. “It’s cool. I got this.” says his unibrow and stupid smirk.

And then: a third vote for Joel. The smile, it is wiped off his face. And it is every bit as good as that time when it happened to Edgardo.

The next two are for Joel, and he’s done! AWESOME. AWESOME! Awesome. Jeff sniffs his asshole torch, and he is out. Forever. Pre-jury. What about that, BEOTCH?

You forget this very important point: Weak people have the same vote that strong people have, jerk.

Episodes like this are the reason I watch this show.