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Simpsons did it, Russell.
It’s night six, and the Heroes are returning from That Uncomfortable Tribal Council. James tries to initiate damage control for his gross actions last week, going to Tom to try and explain himself. Tom wisely plays it down, knowing that he’s probably in trouble in the grand scheme of things. “You could have been gentler,” he says very even-handedly, putting his hand firmly on James’ shoulder. JT is busy with damage control as well, now that he’s gotten into bed with James. He apologizes to Tom, telling Tom that he was at the bottom of the totem pole and was forced to do something, which is the exact opposite of true. Saying the words “bottom of the totem pole” and expecting that to magically explain everything is pretty ridiculous, especially when everyone knows that you’re sitting pretty.
Colby and Tom talk about just how shitty everything’s gotten all of a sudden, now that the whole tribe’s gotten down to the business of putting their entire crazy out there for the whole world to see. “I don’t even want to be a part of this game if it’s going to be like this,” Colby says. “We were naïve in thinking it wouldn’t be this way,” Tom says accurately. To be fair, these are two people who pretty much never had to make a real strategic move during their initial seasons. Tom and Colby both got to the end through a game-long majority alliance and never really had to get their hands dirty, so I could see how this would be a legitimate surprise to them.
That same night at the Villains tribe, Russell and Parvati lie together in the shelter and laugh with each other over what is probably some idiotic inside joke. Jesus, I hope she’s not really planning on aligning with him. That would be truly unfortunate.
Russell and Parvati’s chumminess isn’t getting by Rob: “If you want to know how people are aligned in this game, just watch how they sleep,” he says. “I mean, I would know!” Somewhere, in a hipster neighborhood, Lex curses under his breath and wishes he had gotten a little more spoon-y with Rob last go round.
Spoon with Sandra!
The morning of Day Seven, the Heroes are still not feeling very heroic after last night’s debacle. “I was hoping it would rain today so we could all sit in the shelter and play games and talk,” Rupert says. Yes folks, in addition to being your provider and your Personal Messiah, Rupert would also like to be your camp counselor. Nothing heals the wounds of deep seeded conflict like a rousing game of Duck Duck Goose!
The chickens, on the other hand, have used their time together to formulate an escape plan. I love that the chickens have a better team dynamic than this tribe. “Freedom!” they shout as they scatter in different directions. Rupert and a few other people jump into action to recapture them. At one point Rupert actually grabs a chicken by the neck. I have a feeling that a lot Rupert’s childhood pets died in after he hugged them a little too tightly.
“This is also how I hug my family.”
Rupert, because he is a dolt, thinks that everything’s better now that three or four members of his team have worked together to doom the chickens to a life of imprisonment. The music also seems to think everything’s magically better, judging by the Horns of Triumph Over Adversity playing during Rupert’s confessional. I bet he hears that music in his head wherever he goes. Like, it plays while Rupert waits in line at the grocery store with a cart full of bagged salad.
Upon the safe return of the chickens to captivity, James does a chicken impression that we’re supposed to find endearing, but I am so tired of him that the “Tik Tok” song seems fresh and inspired by comparison. Like, James might as well have a dollar sign in his name at this point.
Over at the Villains camp, Russell is busy capturing yet more chickens. Where are all these things coming from? This is the exact same place where Natalie was eating a rat last season, and now there more chickens than contestants. Did the Samoan chapter of PETA raid a nearby KFC processing plant or something?
Anyway, Coach decides to take it upon himself to have a discussion with Russell about his closeness with Parvati, telling Russell to watch out because Parvati’s a dangerous player. Boston Rob walks up a few seconds into the conversation as well, taking the opportunity to point out that Parvati has friends on the other team. So, to summarize: Coach knows Parvati is dangerous and seems to think this is news, and Boston Rob knows that Parvati has friends on the other team and that this is something to watch out for. You heard it here first, everyone.
“I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, one time,” Boston Rob says to Russell. Surprisingly, Russell does not enjoy being spoken to like that. “Coach is a total joke,” Russell The Total Joke says, “and Boston Rob thinks he’s in charge, but he doesn’t know who he’s messing with,” Russell Who Thinks He’s In Charge And Doesn’t Know Who He’s Messing With says.
Russell takes the contents of this discussion immediately to Parvati, in yet another masterful display of the subtlety for which he’s become so renown. He recaps the conversation for Parvati, but does that thing that tools do where he makes himself look like a total badass who stood up for himself, instead of telling Parvati what he really did, which was shit his pants like a five year old.
I’m going to be really disappointed if she doesn’t destroy him.
And just like any five year old who gets yelled at, Russell decides to get back at Mommy and Daddy by acting out. And thus his grand plan to steal the machete from camp and bury it in the sand is born. He’s way, way prouder of himself for this than he should be, as is the case with everything he does. “Hiding the machete will cause conflict,” he says excitedly, unaware that in reality no one will give a shit and it will be, at most, a minor inconvenience. Russell is the Survivor equivalent of Butters as Professor Chaos.
“I’ll make you all pay when I….FLOOD THE WORLD! (Turns on garden hose)
Russell also jokes about taking Boston Rob down a peg by stealing his hat, which is probably a quick way to lose an arm. Also, what are we, ten?
On the morning of Day 8, we get our inaugural shot of Coach doing kata on the beach. We made it all the way to episode three, which shows incredible restraint by the editors, frankly.
“Who wants clam?” Randy asks an indifferent camp. He is met with a chorus of mehs, which annoys him, because everything annoys him. This is his entire personality. Sandra and Parvati finally agree to eat some of it, but Randy has trouble getting it open because no one can find the machete. Eventually, Randy gets tired of looking for it and smashes the clam open with a rock. Oh my god, Russell’s master plan totally worked! The tribe is in shambles due to their inability to locate the machete! Russell is a total genius, you guys. ANARCHY SHALL REIGN.
Also I would like to point out that Russell was just foiled by a rock.
Randy and Coach talk in the water, agreeing that Parvati’s continued presence is offensive to them. In fact, Coach thinks that keeping Parvati around is “unjust”. Parvati’s very existence is an affront to the concept of justice! He’s going to be soooo mad when he finds out about Paris Hilton.
Back at the Heroes camp, JT has decided that Candace is a very serious threat to his well being. JT has singled out That Blonde Chick That No One Remembers from The Season With The Uncomfortable Racial Overtones as a major threat, on a tribe that also features Cirie. This does not bode well for him.
In order to combat the ever present threat of Candace, JT decides to tell Cirie and Amanda that Candace doesn’t trust them. Cirie (who thought she was aligned with Candace up until now) is upset by this information, confronting Candace about it. They part on uncertain terms and we get a random voice over from James about how Candace “talks too much”, which is maybe something he would want to avoid saying after spending hours berating a different woman for the exact same thing.
“Yeah, you’re done.”
Immunity and Reward Challenge! I wonder when they’ll start having two challenges an episode again. Anyway, they’re recycling the very first wrestling challenge (a phenomenon that made its debut during the Palau season), which involves a one-on-one face off in which both players use a heavy bag to joust the other person off of a platform, American Gladiators style. To make things sweeter, the whole challenge will be taking place in a giant pool of mud. The first team to eight (!) wins immunity and reward, which is a week’s worth of rice, coffee and sugar, as well as the individual luxury items each contestant brought from home. It also looks like someone decided to bring a stuffed bear along, which seems both inadvisable and unfair to the stuffed bear.
The first round is Tom/Russell, and Russell doesn’t even get a shot in before Tom knocks him on his ass. Thank you, Tom, for contributing to my growing collection of screencaps of Russell being Knocked The Hell Out. I’m hoping that by the end of the season, I’ll have enough to decorate my sitting room.
This one will be displayed over my mantle, in a matted frame.
After Candace handily wins a faceoff against Parvati, Rupert and Coach prepare for a Battle Of The Egos. The two jockey with each other for sometime until Rupert loses his balance, when Coach gently shoves him off the platform with his forearm. Coach, thinking he has the win, is too busy screaming at the top of his lungs in celebration (which I think is supposed to be a slight to Rupert and his jungle calls, which would make Coach awesome) to hear Probst call shenanigans on the outcome, since Coach used something besides the bag to deal the winning blow. Coach is pretty upset and gives Probst the finger in response, which definitely seems like something a noble samurai warrior would do, especially after losing a particularly grueling Halo deathmatch.
“Death before dishonor, noobs!”
And thus Rupert and Coach must square off again, and this time Rupert emerges victorious, bringing the score to 3-0. After Cirie owns Jerri, JT beats Tyson and Amanda punishes Danielle, the Villains have yet to score a point, and at 6-0, they’re running out of time.
This is completely irrelevant, but scary enough that I had to showcase it.
Boston Rob and Colby face off in what one would think would make for an epic battle. Instead, Colby shoves Rob off the platform pretty quickly. The last round is James versus Randy, and the much-hyped footage from the previews of James finally going off the deep end is pretty underwhelming. I mean, he manhandles Randy, but it’s nothing too terrible, and I’m saying this as someone who dislikes James intensely.
And with James scoring the final point, the Heroes end up winning a challenge entirely dependent on their superior size and bereft of any teamwork or puzzle component whatsoever. Now all they have to do is hope this challenge is repeated over and over again, and it’s an easy road to the finals!
Back at Camp Villain, Randy knows that he’s probably screwed, and has decided to redirect attention to Parvati. He tells us that if Parvati makes the merge, she’ll joins up with Cirie, Amanda and James (who is continually included in the Micronesia discussion, despite the fact that he was never a part of their alliance).
“HARPY!”
Coach seems to think that Parvati’s a problem as well “She’s dangerous, but her flirting doesn’t work on me at all,” he says as the editors cut to a shot of him being utterly charmed by some idiotic thing or other that she says. Oh, show. I forgot how entertaining your utter disdain for Coach can be.
Tyson, Rob and Sandra debate between Parvati and Randy. Tyson argues that Parvati is a threat and Randy really isn’t. Sandra, in her typically awesome way, doesn’t care who goes as long as it’s not her. This is exactly how she won last time, too, and also why I love her.
“I know people are talking about me,” Parvati says, “especially Jerri.” Parvati thinks Jerri is jealous of her because Parvati got to the end playing the game that Jerri tried to play. “She’s such a Fakey McGee,” Parvati says.
“I want to punch Parvati in the face,” Jerri says not-quite-seriously. I kind of feel like this “rivalry” is largely contrived, so we’re going to ignore it until it goes somewhere.
Randy tries to work Coach again. We’ve only really seen him talk to Coach, which is not a good sign. Randy tells Coach that the Stephenie boot mans Amanda/Cirie/James are solid (which is an absolutely correct statement), and that Parvati needs to be eliminated immediately. “No one here is honorable but me,” Coach tells us. Oh, and he has a Martin Luther King quote for us, since it’s Black History Month and all. Cue the majestic music! “The greatest measure of a man is not in the way he handles times of comfort, but in the way he rises with controversy and challenge,” Coach says with great portent. Hey, remember when we got a whole season of that shit? I am not nostalgic about those days.
Next week: Coach teaches us about George Washington Carver
Tribal Council. Probst begins by asking Sandra about past alliances. Jesus, Probst, we know people have past relationships. Let’s move on. Sandra’s response is hilarious, though: “Some people have lots of friends in the game and have won before, for instance, Parvati.” Way to not-so-subtly distract from the fact that you won too. Parvati’s response is not great, telling Probst half-heartedly that her allegiance is to this tribe, not her friends on the other team.
Probst asks about leadership, and Sandra talks about how there are different leaders in different scenarios, pointing out that Rob takes the lead in challenges and Coach takes the lead at camp. “I take offense to that, Sandra, because we have the worst shelter in history,” Coach says. “It’s not the worst shelter in history,” Jerri says, because she will never forget about her terrible All-Stars shelter, when she learned a very important life lesson: Never do anything Rupert wants to do, ever, because you will end up buried in your sleep by a never-ending cascade of sand.
Sandra’s like, “Our camp sucks, though. And where is our machete?” People laugh, because they are minorly inconvenienced. Wait, you are not supposed to be laughing about that! You are supposed to be spectacularly exploding! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
It’s time to vote, and we see only Parvati voting for Randy, which is usually a clue that a blowout is eminent. And a blowout is what we get, as Randy is unanimously evicted (save for Randy’s seemingly random vote for Rob). On the way out, he throws his buff into the fire in disgust.
Gabon is not representing this season.
In the previews for the next episode, Probst tells us that Russell’s in trouble, and we see Rob talking about how it’s time for him to go. One can only hope, but if there’s one thing I learned from the Samoa season, it’s that Probst voice overs regarding Russell’s safety are never to be taken seriously.
29 Comments
Your last statement is so true. As soon as Jeff mentioned that Russell was in trouble, I knew he was perfectly safe. These people really are fools not to vote out Parvati. She will OWN them. I loved your paragraph about Russell:
“Coach is a total joke,” Russell The Total Joke says, “and Boston Rob thinks he’s in charge, but he doesn’t know who he’s messing with,” Russell Who Thinks He’s In Charge And Doesn’t Know Who He’s Messing With says.
That was hilarious! I was surprised you didn’t mention (was it?) Candace chiming out to James after the challenge, “I knew you should have been on the Villains tribe.”
Supposedly it was Courtney, but we didn’t see it, so no doubt it was dubbed in from some other situation entirely.
Seeing as how this show is going off the deep-end with dishonesty.
I mean, they spent the entire episode focusing on how everyone wants Parvati out, and she gets not one single vote?
And of course the James exploding thing, which was total bullshit.
So of course nothing’s going to happen to Lil’ Russell. So relax all you people who thought he was the cat’s meow last season. Machete, indeed. I’d love to hear from people who knew him in high school.
Ugh. Maybe if people complain enough, the editors will cut out the lies and deception and just let the fucking season unfold the way it did.
It annoys me that these survivors haven’t seen Russell’s season. He wouldn’t have been able to get away with his stupid hiding of the machete if he’d seen his antics from the last season.
I’m loving that he thinks he can play the same way and win, not knowing that he only got second in the last season though.
I just wonder — why haven’t the producers told Russell where to find the immunity idols yet?
I’ve been waiting all season for him to talk about his winning strategery. The suspense is killing me!
Let’s just get this right out in the open, shall we? Coach thinks Parvati is dangerous because Coach is sexually aroused by her but she thinks he is a joke. It is amazingly obvious. It was very likely a guy like Coach that invented the Birka. Jerri hates Parvati because she has already claimed Coach by peeing on him. The fact that she notices that he is sexually aroused by Parvati means that Jerri will get rid of her as soon as she can.
And I think all of the folks who think the producers would risk their cash cow by giving a player clues about the II are smoking crack. ANYONE who had ever paid attention to the show before playing it could have figured out how to find them on their own. ANYONE. It was just surprising that no one every did until Russell. After all, he isn’t that smart. If they are going to keep the II in the game, they really need to start doing clues like the one season where you had to swim across that lake 5 times with the different clues. But that was at exile island. When hiding it at camp, you are more limited with location choices… and one would think it would make it more difficult to hide it in the center of camp because it would be tougher to look. But people are so stupid that someone can find it right in front of them and they don’t notice. That, my friends, is players being stupid… not production being cheaters.
Great recap. I have never liked Parvati but I may start if she gets rid of Jerri. Also the blurb for next week shows Coach crying. Do you think his tears smell like Summer Breeze? Right now I’d like to see Rupert and Russell voted out. Coach grew on me during his season because he was just so over the top. Is he doing kata or is it katra from Star Trek 3? I guess I’m immature because I kind of think it would be funny if Russell did hide Rob’s hat. At least Rob would make it funny.
I’m pretty sure the Parvati/Jerri animosity is contrived just like you called it.
I also think the Villains may have been asked to throw that immunity challenge. They didn’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
“I love that the chickens have a better team dynamic than this tribe. “Freedom!” they shout as they scatter in different directions.”
Great. Now I’m imagining an all-chicken version of Braveheart.
But my favorite line this week from you, Schoonie, is, “Russell is the Survivor equivalent of Butters as Professor Chaos.” What a perfect description! Wouldn’t it be funny if Russell decides to try to be a “hero” by finding the machete¦and EVERYONE sees right through him, knowing he took it in the first place?
Also, by combining the Reward/Immunity challenges, it means the Villains can keep sitting Coutney out¦according to Jeff Probst’s interpretation of the rules. Apparently when the challenges are separated into “episodes” the “can’t sit out two challenges in a row” rule doesn’t apply. I, of course, think that is ridiculous, since the people playing the challenges are doing them consecutively, and their days are not separated into episodes.
“I’ll make you all pay when I….FLOOD THE WORLD! (Turns on garden hose)
OMG, now THIS was worth the price of admission to the world today! Fucking BRILLIANT!
I always find it amazing as a society that we have come down to the point where perception = reality so much that people think if they repeat something enough times it automatically becomes true. Therefore people who TALK about how badass they are, somehow magically BECOME badass. And the sad thing is, reality TV is absolutely LITTERED with examples of the exact opposite happening. You’d think people would learn to back up their bullshit before opening their yaps… but I love the eventual payout.
Awesome job, Schoonie, you are one of my heroes.
love, J-Mo
P.S. How come this show doesn’t utilize more of the MUSIC of Survivor (the band)? There are just so many times when “Eye Of The Tiger” playing would be apropos… like whenever Rupert gets morning wood…
Russell as Professor Chaos! Oh dear Schoonie, that is one for the Gasm Hall of Fame.
This recap was brilliant. For a young man, (yes, I looked you up)your perceptions and analysis of the Survivor psyche are so insightful and highly entertaining.
Winner winner, chicken dinner!
Russell isn’t going anywhere next week. i’m convinced he is going to the end–probably the same way he did last time–and probably with Parvati (she looks at him like he’s dessert–she’s gonna chew him up and spit him out). he is a little buffoon and i don’t find his antics entertaining at all. of course, i’m convinced mainly because i HATE him and want him off my television forever. i also have an argument to back it up, but i made it up to support the fact that the people i hate usually make it to the end. the way they focused on him last season and the way he cried when he lost–and kept insisting that he was the greatest player ever–made me think that he thought he was going to win back to back. although with his ego he doesn’t need anything to support his delusions. what does he do for a living that he can take 4 months off to hang out in the jungle?
they really should have got rid of Parvati while they had the chance–even though no one seems to be too worried about her. i think she will team up with Russell because he views her as one of his dumb little girls and she views him as an easy mark.
I too want a room filled with Russell pics!
It is hard for me to believe any of those “next week on Survivor” previews. It’s gotten to the point where they deliberately try to mislead people I think.
It looked to me, as if Russell was getting freaky with Parvati under those blankets. I’m glad Russell’s getting a little on the side.
Great job! Where are all those chickens coming from? And would so love to hear eye of the tiger, no matter what Rupert is doing. Parvati is going to own this game! I am wondering what the pysch exam is like to get on this show. I am amazed as each season progresses that they can find 24 new complete dumbasses to fill the spots (you know idiots who didn’t go to a pool and practice before shipping out or went in the backyard and learned how to start a fire!!), AND even more amazing is that they can get repeat dumbasses, who are even dumb-assier the second/third time around! Did they not review the tapes; didn’t have a friend who could make little x’s and o’s on the screen and tell them vote her ass off immediately!!!!
I’m loving Coach. He makes me laugh every episode.
Russell’s ridiculous strategy isn’t working because these are the veterans, been there, done that. They knew what they were signing up for and are keeping their eye on the $ prize. Personally I’m rooting for Rob.
Didn’t somebody post in the forum the REAL reason Randy was voted out and how it related to RUSSELL?
Notice that Russell didn’t burn any socks this season; he just hid a machete no one even really cared about? I can imagine playing the game the same way (if he thought he won) with someone like Courtney, who has no ability to strategize and needs Russell’s strength to cover up her inadequacies. But I wouldn’t choose to align with Parvati, who has already won and has the uncanny ability to get her way. Russell may be thinking with the wrong head, but I don’t see Parv keeping him as an ally for the long-term.
Fantastic recap, schoonie, but I’ve come to expect/depend on/live “Monday to Monday” for that, which is spoiled, I suppose.
Did anyone notice Tyson pecking JT on the cheek after he had his ass handed to him? I know it happened because I replayed that shit like ten times, I was laughing so hard. One of my favorite challenges ever. Sucks for the villains that the Heroes tribe is a musclefest. Also Candice, apparently.
I kid. I actually think Candice is really intelligent, and the fact that most people don’t consider her a threat is pretty much a huge advantage. I think that she’s underrated because of her relative lack of action on her prior season. I mean, Yul was on that season. Ozzy was on that season. Obviously they got the most camera time.
I didn’t like Randy on Gabon, but I thought most of his points on this season were valid. He’s also proven himself a fan of the show in his interviews, so points from me. I don’t understand why he was so convinced that Cirie and Amanda and Parvati would be so quick to ally at the merge, though. I mean, look how it turned out for Cirie back in Micronesia.
Does anyone else feel – oh god! – a little bad for Coach this season? He’s obviously a good guy.
Hmmm, Rob says the best way to judge alliances is to watch who people sleep next to at night, and a scene is shown with Russell and Parvati lying next to one another and acting like the best of friends. Then, near the end of the episode the editors very deliberately show footage of Rob and Parvati sleeping next to one another, Parvati even having her head on his shoulder. Perhaps conversations have been taking place that the editors have decided not to show us yet. I would love to see a Rob/Parvati alliance. The carnage would be awesome.
I’ve been under the impression that these people have often had the opportunity to meet and see each other at various Survivor reunion parties over the years. Maybe not all of them, but I imagine that if they’re back on the show, it’s partly because they’re still within the Survivor network. It makes sense that the winners should know each other (isn’t Rob married to a winner?) and occasionally socialize with each other.
Which adds an extra element to the season, because it’s not really clear where the alliances might be. I’m sure at least a few of these people are waiting for the merge.
Did anyone notice the wink Coach gave Rupert the second time round.
I interpreted it as Coach throwing the match.
Maybe it was just a taunt, but they lingered on it so long and Coach kinda just let Rup push him over the edge.
@squeedunk: I saw the kiss too!
P.S. Amazing Recap Schoonie!
Great re-cap. I laughed out-loud with the Professor Chaos reference.
I honestly think that Russell has the advantage in that no-one saw his season. That is the ONLY thing he has going for him this season.
Jame$. LOL
schoonie, great recap!
Schoonie, love the garden hose too!
And J-mo, not to make this all serious or anything, but Dick Cheney and the war on terror is a perfect example of perception equaling reality. If i heard crooked head give one more speech about the war on terror (which would be Bin Laden) but somehow involved us digging Sadam out of a ditch, and still is the most fucked up waste of human resources . . . sorry all, but we human’s suck! . . . even if the mayan’s aren’t right, we’re doomed . . .
Still waiting for On demand to show this–and BION I thought it was Parvati that got the boot-ha, imagine my surprise when it was that waste of space, Randy.
I would like to see them switch up the teams like someone suggested a few weeks ago.
And Schoon!–you so nailed Lil Russ and needing to cause trouble after being served. Tho I may admire him running in slow motion, the dude is a total tool!
Oh, and Mr. D–if you google Russell, there was one site that had all kinds of screen grabs, you know, the kind you and I enjoy . . . ; )
I don’t read the forum. What did it say about Randy?
Yes, Mr. Dangerous, do tell…..
Thank you for the Russell pic-tip juddfan.
Memememe:
I don’t think we’re supposed to discuss the forums here.
Plus, I don’t know if what’s posted is true — but it makes Randy’s ouster understandable. I read it and said, OOOOHHHHHHHH.
Mr. Dangerous,
At least tell us which forum …. Pretty please with sugar on top.
uh, I was wrong. It was in the discussion board over at reality blurred. It’s on the Feb 26 recap — comment by alannah rose.
I would just repeat the comment here but you know how Schoonie is.
Love and Kisses Schoonie. [you still remind me of my brother.]
I just read it, since I clearly don’t want to work today.
It’s really not that bad that Schoonie wouldn’t allow it(?). It’s just speculation that we won’t know because of the edit. It would’ve made Russell’s strategy look good, and that’s something the producers would’ve wanted, so I’m taking it with a grain of salt.
Yeah. I know all too well. Okay I’ll go and comment over there.