There are no Balloon Boy jokes in the entirety of this recap. You are welcome.First of all, sorry that this is a bit late this week. I’ve spent the last five days being the best man in my best friend’s wedding, so I had to move the block of time my Outlook Calendar calls “Recapping The Russell Show” to later this week. I tried to write during the ceremony by hiding the laptop in my tuxedo jacket, but that didn’t work out too well. It looked like I had a goiter in all the wedding photos.
Back at camp after Galu’s first boot, Shambo is sidelined. You can tell because there are squiggly lines emerging from her hair. She’s kind of like Cathy from the comic strips, in that way. She has noticed that everyone voted for Yasmin but her, and that this means that she’s not in the loop, and therefore probably not long for this game. So, it wasn’t breaking the fishing gear or losing the chicken that made her think she might be on shaky ground?
Maybe I should punch a few of them in the face to make them like me.
The next day, we’re over at Foa Foa again. They receive a treemail for the reward challenge which hints that they’re going to have to eat some gross stuff. I hate these gross food challenges; watching people eat disgusting shit is not my idea of entertainment. They’ve been mercifully absent that last few seasons and that’s just fine with me. Let’s get through this as quickly as possible, shall we?
This year’s variation works like this: there’s a roulette wheel with all this gross Samoan food on it, and one person from each team throw a ball onto it. Jeff will then take the two ingredients where the balls land and them into a smoothie, which the tribe members will have to finish if they want a point. It is not a race; all you have to do is finish. The first tribe to five points wins the reward, which is a totally sweet barbeque setup with steaks and sausages and stuff. The tribe that wins, however, will send someone to the losing tribe with a clue for the idol, and that person will not get to enjoy the reward.
Jaison and Shambo go first, and they land on “Giant Clam” and “Jeff’s Choice”, which means that Jeff gets to throw whatever the hell he wants in there, which he begins doing with a zeal. It is here that you immediately notice the Foley Artists going WAY over the top with the sloppy noises. Shambo is not playing and she takes it down quickly. Jaison has a little more trouble, and he actually pukes into his mouth and then eats the puke in order to get the point. Oh my GOD, I am out. I should also disclose to you that I originally watched this the morning after a massive drinking binge, and it almost made me lose my entire mind.
Seriously, stop! If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in the bathroom.
The next few rounds go without event, as the Russell/Russell combo, Brett/Mick, and Monica/Liz all finish their disgusting concoctions with little trouble. The final round is Ashley/Dave, and if they both get their drinks down, it will be time for a tiebreaker. They both land on “sea slug guts”, which Probst points out is “probably the most disgusting thing on here”, which I will not argue with. It looks pretty gross.
I have this same reaction to Russell.
Dave finishes his fairly easily, despite some vomiting noises, which Ashley has to block out. Once he’s done, the rest of Galu begins to try and psych her out, and she does not handle it well. She gives up right there, which means that this Foa Foa loss is pretty much entirely Ashley’s fault. Not cool, dude.
When Probst tells Russell to choose someone to go over to Foa Foa and miss out on the reward, he immediately names Shambo. She voices her unhappiness to him, telling him it’s unfair: “Can you spread the love for me since I’ve already been?” she begs.
“But how will I accidentally step on the steaks and ruin them, and then accidentally lose the sausage and then accidentally lose the cooking utensils if I go to Foa Foa?”
He refuses: “Have to pay for that chicken.” Boom! That’s a pretty valid reason, actually, even though I’m pretty sure he’s just sending her because they all know she’s going home next and he doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers. Well, except the ones in Shambo’s hair from when she starred in that crying Indian commercial.
Back at Foa Foa after the challenge everyone is unhappy, especially Shambo, who, I shit you not, requests a group hug. She complains about how she really wanted steak, and Mick tells her to suck it up because no one cares. She should not be complaining about not getting to eat to a whole group of people who are not getting to eat.
Meanwhile, Ashley talks about her challenge FAIL to anyone who will listen, complaining that she couldn’t swallow it and trying not to shoulder all the blame. She also should not be talking right now. That’s this week’s theme: people who keep talking when they should not be. That’s the theme on this show every week, actually.
“I’m really sorry that I failed. Hey, have I mention that I failed? Because I failed. I failed!”
Over at Galu, Russell tries to light a fire so that they can eat their reward, but he can’t seem to get a fire to start. Because it’s been raining, they don’t have anything dry to light. However, Dave (the bald guy with the ponytail, I KNOW) offers plenty of “helpful” advice about lighting it. He’s definitely one of those guys who is quick to offer his expertise on something, and it seems that Russell has had quite enough, because he snaps. “Dave you do a lot of talking and not a lot of action,” he says with a hint of annoyance in his voice. It becomes apparent during the conversation that Russell’s head is getting way too big because of this leader thing, and also that Dave is not very good at keeping his mouth shut. “I seem to patronize people without really trying,” Dave says. Hey, you want to be a recapper?
“I am the bald, skinny Kanye West of this show.”
Anyway, Dave finally puts his money where his mouth is and starts working on getting a fire started. Within seconds, he’s got one, so he has that going for him I guess. “I’m trying to downplay my awesomeness, because it speaks for itself,” he says, and I’m guessing that his “awesomeness” involves spending a lot of time dressed as a elf from a JRR Tolkien novel.
Back at Foa Foa, Shambo sits down with the whole tribe and shares the clues for the immunity idol with them, saying that she’s doing it because she feels more at home in this tribe than her own. So, this move is either really stupid or totally brilliant. I mean, she’s looked for the idol already right where the clues lead and she knows it’s not there, so why not try and out whoever has it? Why keep useless information to yourself, right?
Because the clues are super-easy and the idol is not where the clues say it is, everyone on Foa Foa now knows that someone’s found the idol and hasn’t told. They go around in a circle and everyone denies having it (including Boxer Briefs Russell, lying terribly), and Shambo is so dumb that this convinces her that Ben was kicked out while he had the idol. What evidence is there to support that? That is…really, really dumb. Liz, who is not so dumb, tells us that Russell probably has it, since he spent days looking all over camp for the idol.
“Well, I never!”
When Liz pulls Russell away from camp to accuse him of having the idol, he doesn’t cover very well, trying to deflect and act all offended. “How dare you?” he says like he’s fourteen and some other girl stole his Lisa Frank stickers. He tells her she’d better be quiet and quit accusing him of things, or she’ll be going home next. “You’re walking on thin ice right now, girlie!” he says condescendingly before sauntering away upset. Way to cover! If Liz has any ability to read people, and I mean any whatsoever, she will know that Russell lying his ass off here. Have you ever accused someone of something and they act way, way too indignant and offended? This usually means that they totally did it and are trying way too hard to cover their own tracks, and that is totally the case here. Luckily, no one will ever be brave enough to root around in his boxer briefs, so his secret is safe, thanks to the good people at Fruit Of The Loom.
And now, shit gets real. At Galu on Night 13, it is raining. Hard. Everyone looks absolutely miserable, and not just in the normal, miserable Survivor way. It is bad, you guys. Kelly reminds us how stupid the decision to take the blankets over the tarp was, since they could be dry right now and instead they’re all huddled under wet blankets and pillows. In the morning? It’s still raining. The camp is completely flooded, and the treemail stand is stranded in what is easily a foot of water.
“I do not, in any way, look like a serial murderer.”
Immunity Challenge! It is still raining, a lot. When Shambo returns to Galu, Erik gives her a little hug but the rest of the tribe is too busy staring off into space thinking of warm fires and dry clothes to even pay attention. When Jeff is all “What’s the deal with no love?” Monica is nice enough not to tell Jeff that Shambo sucks, instead saying that they’re too busy trying to keep warm to be very welcoming. It’s mostly because Shambo sucks. I bet her hair smells WONDERFUL when it’s been wet for that long.
Today’s challenge is simple: one man and one woman from each tribe will hold onto ropes that are connected to hanging nets. Members of the other team will try to throw coconuts into those nets to make them heavier to hold. The team whose members hold onto the ropes the longest will win immunity.
Boxer Briefs Russell and Liz are holding the ropes for Foa Foa and Russell and Laura (?) are holding the ropes for Galu. The Galu members have good aim and continually drop coconuts into Foa Foa’s nets, while the Foa Foa members? Not so much. We see many of them routinely throwing like little girls, and not just the actual little girls. Galu is so quick and efficient at filling BB Russell’s net that he’s the first person to drop out of the challenge, leaving only Liz to try and bring Foa Foa the win.
“Man, what’s tied to the other end of this? It’s heavy! Oh, it’s Russell’s ego.”
And I think we all know how that one is going to turn out: once Russell is out, Galu only has one person to pile onto, so they make her net ridiculously heavy. She hangs on for much, much longer than anyone expects her to, but eventually drops her net as well, which means that Galu wins immunity yet again and Foa Foa has to send another person home.
Back at camp, where it is still raining, Jaison is miserable. “Today is the first day that I’m convinced we’re at a real serious disadvantage.” he says. What gave it away, all the LOSING?
He showcases his hands and feet, which are absolutely soaked. They look like when you get raisin fingers from being in the tub, but if you stayed in the tub for a fortnight. Their limbs look disgusting.
“Russell hit on me THIS many times.”
They all sit around in the shelter and look miserable. Unfortunately (or fortunately, for Liz) because they’re all trapped in the same place, there can’t be a lot of scrambling and treachery during this round. They talk about the vote a little bit and after no one volunteers to go home, they decide that they’re going to just vote individually for who they want. Riveting! But seriously, I don’t think I’ve seen a more miserable group of people on this show that I can remember. This has got to be the worst thing I’ve seen Survivor contestants have to deal with yet. Well, except for the boxer briefs. And Rupert.
You will note that Russell is the only one who can stand up in the shelter.
Tribal Council! Jeff points out that they’ve got to be excited to come to Tribal this time, since there’s a fire and a roof over the place. None of them deny it, even though they admit that they don’t like losing. Jaison points out that he was punished every day playing water polo for Team USA, but that this is much, much harder than he thought it was going to be. There’s also some brief discussion about trust that is totally boring. Probst has nothing left to talk about with these people, because their storylines have been exhausted by this point. We’ve spent so much damn time with them that it’s like, where do you go? He should have asked about the idol, but he can’t because that would imply that he knows it’s gone and give people hints, so he’s pretty much left with nothing.
Time to vote. We see Ashley votes for Liz, saying she trusts her the least. We see Jaison vote for Ashley, too. When the votes are read, Liz gets the one, and the rest are Ashley and she’s done for. I guess there was no need to talk. I’m glad they didn’t, because Russell likely would have gone after Liz, since she’s pretty much onto him.
Next week: A huge injury! Who will it be? Oh, wait, CBS already ruined that one for us.