Survivor: Meet the Fo-Shizzle Tribe

Hey, a good episode! Imagine that.

Not sunk yet.

Back from the overly long and uncomfortable Ami tribal council, Ozzy tells us all about how Ami never would have been voted out if she had just been loyal to him. Wow, sucks for Ami, missing out on getting taken to the finals like that, which I’m sure he was totally going to do. Bow before Ozzy’s magnificence! He will…wait a little bit longer to vote you out if you do so! Erik tells us that he desperately hopes the merge comes sometime soon, presumably because he knows they’re going to keep getting their asses kicked if they have to compete in any more team challenges.

After the credits, we’re over at Airai, where Eliza and Jason are forming a bond. Eliza tells us that it’s because they both know that they’re on the outs, and “to be honest, we both annoy people”. I can totally see Jason being super-annoying in that little brother sort of way, but Eliza doesn’t seem that annoying to me. I mean, she probably talks a lot, but if you’re looking for annoying, Parvati’s right over there. I guess Eliza would be annoying to the group of people she’s with, which also happened last time. It’s nice that she doesn’t get her feelings hurt just because she happens to annoy the likes of Parvati and Scout. Meanwhile, Jason tells Eliza that he has the immunity idol. Eliza’s face lights up like a Christmas tree. Oh, this will not end well.

We should get together for lunch sometime.

Back at Malakal, Cirie fetches the treemail that tells everyone to gather up their belongings and meet at an undisclosed location. Time for the merge! Erik takes the opportunity to declare his undying loyalty to Ozzy, for some reason. Ozzy is like “Gee, thanks” and you can tell in his head that he’s like “Sweet, more cannon fodder!” Erik then tells us something about how he has a “zookeeper bond” with Ozzy, and the comment makes me instantly hate Erik for all eternity. He’s so obviously not very smart that he’s almost like a waste of space at this point. HATE!

Over at Airai, Parvati reads the same letter, telling us that she’s now in “a hot pickle” which, gross. She is in said pickle because she has the one alliance with Ozzy, James and Amanda, and another alliance with Alexis, Natalie and Amanda, so she’s not sure which one to choose. That’s actually a really awesome position to be in, and I’m totally surprised that Parvati has played so confidently up to this point. However, you know that a season is totally sucking when Parvati is the Boston Rob.

The tribes meet at a mystery beach and exchange greetings. Eliza is unhappy that Ami was voted out and Erik is still around. She tells us how close she was to Ami and everything, and didn’t they hate each other during the Vanuatu Season? I am fairly sure they did. Ami is totally the type of person who is a frenemy to everyone she knows, though, so that makes total sense.

At the requisite merge feast, there is a giant nasty-looking bowl of bats in the middle of the table. James, to his credit, absolutely tears into a bat, just up an eating the whole thing. It looks pretty disgusting, even on the inside. I am so torn about James, because sometimes he’s awesome and sometimes he is like the lamest person ever. During the feast, talk turns to a name for the new tribe. Erik suggests that they name the new tribe “Dabu” which he says means “good” in Micronesian. Everyone shakes their head in agreement, and the Dabu tribe is born. In confessional, Erik tells us that he made up the word, just because he thought it would be funny. While it was exactly the kind of joke that someone of his intellectual level would make, I am not above finding that to be hilarious. He’s like “We might as well have named the new tribe fo-shizzle.” Now THAT would have been awesome. Also, there is something strangely appropriate and poetic about, like, the least desirable group of people to make the merge in recent history agreeing to name their tribe something that is entirely made up. I still dislike Erik profusely, but: well done.

Also, ‘Micronesian’ is not a language. But you knew that!

I hope you used a wet nap, young man.

That night, everyone gets ready for their first night as a single tribe. Alexis is already wrapped around Ozzy as they talk about Ozzy, because that’s pretty much all Ozzy likes to talk about. It seems really abrupt that they’re laying there like that until Ozzy tells us that they were together on Exile Island, so it was nice to be able to spend more time with her. Off to the side, a spurned Amanda looks on jealously, telling us (and Cirie) that she really, really wants Alexis gone. Oh, Amanda. You are better than this. Call me!

The next morning, Jason talks to Ozzy, expressing his devotion and respect for Ozzy. If there’s one thing that all these idiot fans seem to have in common, it is an unwavering devotion to Ozzy for little to no reason. Dude, does no one remember Yul? He was the absolute shit. I do not understand why these people to not subscribe to his semi-monthly magazine instead. “Jason is a fan of mine.” Ozzy says, with a straight face. There are about three things that are absolutely hilarious about that statement, if you think about it.

Jason tells us again how lucky he is to have the hidden immunity idol. The music of Wow, What An Idiot plays as he searches the new beach for a place to hide it. He finally settles on a tiny alcove in a rock face, proud of himself. Nearby, Eliza and Parvati gather coconuts for everyone. Eliza, knowing that she’s probably screwed if she doesn’t address Parvati (since she seems to be the social king of the hill this season, inexplicably), awkwardly broaches the subject of unity amongst the fans. It’s the least subtle thing ever, the way she does it. I mean, Parvati was even uncomfortable, and Parvati is kind of a little dull sometimes. Parvati basically tells Eliza that she doesn’t know whether all of the Favorites are sticking together, and she doesn’t want to tell Parvati one thing and then do another. In confessional, she tells us how untrustworthy Eliza is because she’ll always deal with other people at the same time as she is dealing with you. Parvati, of course, is totally not doing that right now.

Yes it’s hard, but at least they let me keep my brows waxed.

She has totally not been doing that so much that she’s forced to pull Amanda aside and tell her all about all the sneaky shenanigans she’s been working since the switch-up. When Amanda hears about Parvati’s new alliance with Alexis and Natalie, she is unhappy, to say the least. Well, unhappy would be the wrong word. She’s livid, but she hides it well. “I have some questions about Parvati now” she tells us. Yeah, I have some questions, too, like ‘Why the hell are you people letting her call the shots? Does she have one of those crazy hypnotic pinwheels in her bikini or something?’ Dear Amanda: You are awesome and smart, and better than this. We all saw it last season.

After the treemail arrives (something about drowning), Jason pulls Eliza aside. He’s decided that if he wins individual immunity, he’ll give his immunity idol to Eliza and they can get rid of Ozzy. Eliza, because she doesn’t know that the idol is fake, smiles a giant smile and gets all excited that she has a glimmer of hope. The music of Wow, What An Idiot starts again. Dude, Eliza has nothing to do with this idiocy. It’s not her fault that Jason has a fake idol! Don’t try and make her look dumb, because she’s so obviously the smartest person on this show right now.

The Immunity Challenge is one we have seen before (I can’t quite remember what season), but the Survivors all wait under a metal grate in the water as the tide comes in, giving them less and less breathing room as the water slowly takes their space away. The last person standing wins immunity. Amanda is the first out as she dozes off and accidentally ends up with her head out from under the grate. I hope that is not a metaphor, right there. One by one, everyone else bails (including Eliza, unfortunately), until only Jason, James and Ozzy are left. The three of them use their hands to create little funnels for air, and the water ends up completely submerging their faces. They all have to spit water out of the blowholes like whales. It is fairly intense and cool to watch. James ends up dropping out, and you can see Ozzy struggling pretty profusely. I have no idea why he stays in the game this long, since he doesn’t need the idol. Oh, wait, yes I do: He has an ego the size of Jeff Probst’s hat collections. He finally relents, emerging from under the water looking like he just swallowed an entire Great Lake. He seriously looks about twenty years older. So, Jason wins the first individual immunity! Number of challenges (including tribe ones) that Ozzy’s team/Ozzy himself has won: less than half of the total. I do believe that the myth of Ozzy is slowly being destroyed, which is good for everyone at this point.

Relax.

Back at Tribal Council, Jason makes me hate him some more by telling us how satisfying it will be to beat Ozzy at Tribal Council and then to be able to sideswipe him tonight and vote him out. It is a good plan, because it will probably reorganize the alliances. If only the idol weren’t a complete, obvious fake. Douche! Parvati hates on Eliza all over the tribe, telling us how sick she is of all of Eliza’s wheelings and dealings. Pot! Kettle! The consensus is pretty much Eliza, so she slinks across the camp to find Jason and have him go get the immunity idol. “It’s in your bag.” He tells her as he leaves to go find wood or something. Eliza goes to her bag, excited to be able to get a leg up on all of these obvious douchebags. As she unwraps the idol and sees the obvious fake, she slowly realizes what’s happened. “Shit, this is just a fake!” she says. It’s obvious that she thinks that Jason is playing some sort of trick on her, so she storms across the beach and demands to know what the hell he’s thinking. “This is NOT the idol!” she tells him. And what follows is one of the greatest conversations in Survivor history. Jason is all “But it has a face on it!” and Eliza can’t believe what she’s hearing. “It’s just a fucking stick!” she says, hilariously, and I love her. Then, you can see it in her face, she has another epiphany, which is that Jason actually thinks what he has is the real thing. Eliza, who is no dummy, immediately puts two and two together. “Well, then Ozzy found it and he made a fake one for you to find. That’s what happened.” Jason: “You think so? But…it has a face on it!” It’s awesome, he thinks anything with a face on it has to be the immunity idol. We’re lucky he didn’t run into a poisonous scorpion or something and be all “Immunity Idol!” because then Eliza would need medical treatment. Eliza, immediately figuring that she has nothing to lose and thinking maybe the budget has been tightened a little bit this season, is like “Well, should I play it anyway?” Which is not dumb at all, but the smartest move you can make at this point, because you have nothing to lose by doing it. Well, except your dignity. But who gives a pants? Getting voted out by the likes of Parvati is embarrassing enough, might as well try whatever you can. Everyone has lumped Eliza in with Jason as dumb because of all this, but I am telling you that she is one of the smartest people ever to play the game if you think about it.

Tribal Council! Probst lets Alexis talk for the first time this season, and she immediately puts her foot in her mouth by talking about Eliza in past tense, like she’s already been voted out. Eliza (rightfully) gets all huffy over it, which begins the Eliza Witch Hunt that culminates with Parvati looking like a complete hypocrite as she tells Eliza that she’s untrustworthy and will do whatever it takes to win. Down with Parvati! Probst is all “Welcome to Tribal Council, Eliza. No free rides!” What the hell, Probst? That comment does not make sense, and you give the people you like (such as, I don’t know, James, Ozzy and Parvati herself) free rides all the damn time. Come to think of it, Probst kind of looks like the fake immunity idol himself. He does have a face, after all.

Time to vote! Parvati votes for Eliza, saying something not worth typing that doesn’t make any sense and is way too condescending for a Foxy Boxer. Eliza votes for Ozzy, telling us that she hopes for a miracle with the fake stick. Before Probst reads the votes, Eliza gets up to present the fake immunity idol to him. Ozzy immediately loses his shit, even though he is about to regret this entire fiasco momentarily. Probst tells the group that the immunity idol is not real and throws it into the fire. Eliza, in a totally awesome move, announces to the entire group that Ozzy has the hidden immunity idol, because he left that one in the correct spot for Jason to find. Ozzy is really, really uncomfortable, because he has just realized that the net effect of his super clever plan is that now everyone knows that he is in possession of the real idol. “Who is going to get fooled by Ozzy?” he asked us while referring to himself in the third person last week. The answer, in case you’re curious? Is Ozzy.

Oh snap.

So James cracks up laughing at this point, which is either the most assholish thing he’s ever done or the coolest. He’s a giant asshole if he’s laughing at Eliza, because: this is still not dumber than getting voted out while in possession of two immunity idols. If he’s laughing at the whole situation and Ozzy getting outed, than it’s actually sort of awesome. I pass no judgment, I just thought it should be noted.

And thus the votes are read, and Eliza is voted out. Bye, Eliza! Seriously, she did really well, totally rocking the challenges, managing to save her own ass over and over again, playing smart all the way until the end. If not for the chance injury to Jonathan, she’d probably be in much, much better shape than she ended up in. Good game, Eliza. Good game.

So, now there are nine people left, and at this point I want exactly zero of them to win. The endgame is not looking to good right about now, considering that Parvati and Ozzy have the best chance of winning.