Tonight, on Survivor: Lots of bitterness! Lots of sweetness! And lost those other two types of taste buds that no one can think of, but I think are Skittles and Beef Jerky!Nobag (so glad I’m done typing that after tonight), Night 36. Sugar can’t help but to congratulate herself after the nice little blindside of Crystal she just executed. “That was a perfect execution of the immunity idol, if I do say so myself,” she says so, herself. Despite the fact that it was probably very emotionally gratifying for her to get rid of Crystal, the actual playing of the idol didn’t really change the outcome. Crystal had four votes anyway. It was a nice stopgap measure, but that’s about it. Like everything else this season involving Sugar, it was a well thought-out strategic play based almost solely on emotion. I’m not sure, overall, that playing it in that specific fashion made a lot of strategic sense for her. In fact, it actually hurt her, because she was going to the final three with Crystal and Kenny anyway, so she’s really only alienated a few extra jury members this way.
Kenny sits on the hammock looking unhappy while Sugar and Matty high-five each other. “No one told me a thing!” Kenny says incredulously as Sugar tries to dismiss his worry all “Well, you know how things happen around here.” Um, you start crying and then make a kickass move guided only by your trail of tears?
“Well, what if it’s me next time?” Kenny says, worried. He starts berating Bob about the idol again, and Bob has heard enough, thankfully. “Well, why don’t you get your own idol?” he says to Kenny, deservedly. Bob knows that Kenny was trying to embarrass him by complaining about their deal to the jury at the last tribal council, and he confesses that all bets are off as a result, and he won’t be honoring anything that he’s promised Kenny.
The next morning while everyone’s asleep, Sugar and Bob have a private super secret alliance meeting. Sugar says she’s just going to keep pretending like she’s with Kenny, and then they can eliminate Sue and Kenny and go to the final three with Matty. “In order to make sure I go to the end, I need to make sure that Kenny feels safe,” she talking heads quite wisely. I’m so torn about Sugar at this point (which I will discuss at a later point), but I love that she knows exactly what she has to do to get what she wants.
To that point, Sugar and Kenny go to get the treemail and Sugar totally works him like a champion, telling him that she’s sorry that he didn’t know, and he buys it hook, line, and Sugar. As they walk back to camp with the clue, he tries to give it to her straight: “This isn’t a blindside on me, right?” he says. She’s all “No!” immediately, and it sounds very convincing. She’s pulled some really effective acting jobs this season, I must say.
The treemail contains robes of five different colors and warpaint, with the instruction to adorn themselves for the next challenge. Susie chooses the black cloth and face paint and ends up looking like she’s going to host Goth Talk with Azrael Abyss.
Matty is dressed in yellow, and he looks like a member of The Darkness:
And in what I believe is a video game shout out, Kenny is dressed just like a zombie from Resident Evil:
Immunity Challenge. Probst can’t resist taking the opportunity to mock how ridiculous they look, focusing on Bob even though, in my opinion, he actually looks the least ridiculous. Today’s challenge is multi-faceted: First the castaways dig under a wall, and then cross a giant balance beam maze, and then search in another maze for puzzle pieces hidden in a bunch of huts. Once all three bags of pieces have been collected, they’re used to build a replica of a Gabonese hut, and the fastest person to do that will win immunity.
You might not believe me, but Susie actually gets underneath the wall first and builds up a nice lead going into the maze. This actually works against her, however, when the rest of the castaways end up just following her through the maze, making everyone but Matty (who fell behind because he fell off of the maze itself) neck-in-neck going into the hut search. Everyone stays pretty close through the first couple puzzle bags, and Sugar actually gets all her bags first, closely followed by Bob. Susie can’t find her last bag and falls out of the running, but everyone else gets into a tense race to finish the puzzle. Bob, of course, just barely edges her, winning immunity yet again. Who’d have thought this guy would have done such an awesome job at challenges? Who looks at that cast photo and goes, “I bet that old guy right there? Is going to kick everyone’s collective ass.”
Back at camp, Kenny is unconcerned, lounging on the hammock nonchalantly. “I’m not worried at all. I’ve set myself up so well in this game that I can just chill,” he says as crows encircle his head ominously. Matty talks to Kenny down by the lake, promising not to blindside him. Kenny fails to notice the little twinge of evil in Matty’s voice. He’s practically tying Kenny to the railroad tracks here. Susie and Matty talk (well, Susie talks in Matty’s general vicinity) and she worries that she’s going home. Matty, fed up, just says “Do what you feel,” trying to get her to shut up so he can pass the time. My question is, how are people not targeting Sugar after all of the stuff she’s done? She’s done something to every single one of these people at some point, and yet no one is even thinking about it, perhaps out of habit because she had the idol for so long.
Matty tries to solidify things with Sugar, very emphatically all “You and me, NO MATTER WHAT!” Sugar shakes her head in affirmation. Vultures a hundred miles away, smelling fresh carrion, begin the long journey toward Matty’s remains.
Matty’s final three consists of Sugar and Kenny (so maybe he was just being sarcastic to Kenny earlier), and he wants to get rid of Susie next. Sugar says that Matty wants to get rid of Susie, but Kenny is very dangerous, and Matty and Bob will vote with her no matter what, so it’s her call to make. “The further along we get in the game, the harder these decisions are to make.” Um, that’s the point?
Tribal Council. Jeff asks Bob about all his challenge wins, since he is apparently tied for the consecutive immunity record (which I believe was set by Terry in the Panama season). Bob has very little to say except to state that he knows he wouldn’t be around were it not for his victories. Matty comments that Bob is “money”, because nothing’s current like a Swingers reference.
Probst asks Susie whether she’s concerned for her safety tonight, and she responds by highlighting the passive nature of her game, which you will be surprised to hear can sometimes be a detriment. That Susie: always saying relevant and helpful things. (My notes, literally say “Well, we can tell that, no shit.”)
Jeff then asks Kenny about the damn deal to get immunity from Bob, and he starts whining again about it, which I’m sure is exactly what everyone wants to hear. Over on the jury bench, Corinne rolls her eyes, in case you were wondering whether Kenny’s bitching was working out as he’d hoped. Bob awesomely responds by calling Kenny out for attempting to blindside him once he gave up immunity. “The deal was that if I help you, you help me, not that I help you, and then you stab me in the back.” Owned!
Kenny, now pushed into a corner, tries to legitimize the plan to get rid of Bob, but he’s clearly out of ideas and completely scrambling, and doing a really, really poor job, much to the jury’s delight. He was doing so well about two episodes ago, and here he is completely screwing himself over right at the end, which I believe might be called “pulling an Amanda”.
By the way, it’s worth noting that Sugar’s lipstick (which I’m guessing is actually the red paint from the last challenge) is both egregiously distracting and heinously overdone, an it’s not going away for the rest of the episode, so buckle in and try your hardest not to stare.
I can’t stop looking at it!
Time to vote! Susie votes for Kenny, and Kenny votes for Susie, condescendingly saying that he’s happy she got so far, and he wishes her the best. When Jeff goes to get the votes, the first one is Susie’s for Kenny, and then Kenny’s for Susie, and then the next two are Kenny and it’s all over. Sugar crushes yet another player under her faux-flapper slip-ons.
In Kenny’s farewell, he jokes that this is his GAME OVER screen. “Just like in video games, sometimes it doesn’t go your way, and you lose,” he says, beaming. “They got me good,” he says with a smile as wide as the screen, and you can absolutely tell that he has really, really enjoyed everything that he’s done over the past 37 days, and that while he’s sorry that it’s over, he sure had a great time doing it. That’s a great attitude to have.
Kenny did a lot of stuff right, and this game gives you permission to be disloyal to more than a few people, which he was. Everyone who has won the game has this one thing in common: loyalty to a group of people, extreme loyalty to one other person that you can trust absolutely. But where Kenny went wrong was that he was disloyal to pretty much everyone but Crystal at some point. You can’t make a majority at five with two people, and if they don’t trust you as a result and feel played, they’ll certainly turn on you. Think about it: if he had shown some loyalty to Matty a couple of TCs ago and voted for Corinne, how much different would this final four look right now
Anyway, nicely done, Kenny. Well, right up until the end.
It’s the next morning at Nobag, on a Kenny-less Day 38. Matty tells Susie that this is the first time that she should be super nervous. Matty is basically telling her that she has to win immunity, or she’s going to be out. Susie worries in about a hundred different confessionals in which she says that she has to win immunity, so you can fill that particular hole in however you’d like. Just make sure it’s mildly off-putting, and you get the idea. Matty returns with the next treemail, which means that it’s time for the always-exciting “let’s remember all the other A-holes that came before” portion of the finale. Does anyone need a snack? A breath mint? A nap?
Michelle is “honored” first. Matty says that Michelle did well at first challenge, and he was impressed. So there you go, Michelle. Enjoy Matty’s approval. What you should really take from Michelle is that she’s much, much hotter with her makeup. She says something boring in her talking head. Now, I’m going to be saying that a lot over the next few paragraphs, so you can generally imagine that as something along the lines of “Spending anywhere from three to twelve days stranded in the middle of Africa with a bunch of douchebags has game has changed me in drastic ways, blah blah I’m a different person and will be forever different for having been on television for two weeks, blah blah I look forward to speaking for five seconds at the finale.”
Oh, Gillian. She was “really fun” according to Susie, so I guess Susie enjoys eating poop. Gillian gets a confessional talking about how she knows she couldn’t compromise herself to fit in, and then she says something about being happy and lucky and annoys me within the span of five seconds. Wow, do not miss her.
Yep, still smells like nothing.
Paloma borings, Jacquie somehow upstages her by being even more boring and generic. GC gets a “that kid was classic” from Matty, and GC talks about being the leader that he so clearly was not, and then he somehow fails even at being boring.
Kelly “did pretty well considering her odds” according to Matty, who is apparently going to be the only one doing any talking during this segment. She says a bunch of boring stuff too, except, what she says is both boring and a grammatically improper mess, as we have all come to expect from Kelly.
Sugar almost starts crying when she gets to Ace’s torch, expressing regret that she turned on him so early. Oh, you were probably going to do it anyway, you’ve done it to just about everyone else, and you’re not done yet. The crying, it is getting a little tiresome. Ace talks about how it’s difficult for someone who has traveled as much as him to be with people who haven’t travelled out of their county, and basically everyone sucks but him as a result. Yes, the man who has chosen to live in that cultural epicenter known as Naples, Florida would like you to know that you are a backwoods ignoramus. Now let’s all go eat at Red Lobster!
Dan borings, and then Marcus borings too because that’s all he’s done all season, even though they do show that little kiss on the shoulder about which everyone seemed so riled up in the comments. After Charlie borings in a very eloquent manner, it’s time to honor Randy’s memory. “I have one thing to say to Randy,” Sugar says before delivering a raspberry. Eloquent! Randy and his mohawk talk about how grateful he is to have made friends, since he hasn’t done that in twenty years. He also tries to tell us that he’s not a dumbass for falling for the fake idol, because…well, he doesn’t give a reason, mostly because he sort of is a dumbass for falling for it.
Corinne says that she’s always been the kind of person who operates without a filter, and that when you take that away, she thinks she doesn’t have a personality. That? Is one of the saddest things I think I’ve ever heard anyone say. Not a joke, just actually, truly sad. I don’t want to elaborate, because this is not the place for that kind of thing and we are here to berate and not psychoanalyze, but I can summarize by stating that comment makes me want to give my mom a hug.
“Without all of these harsh comments, I’m nothing.”
Matty calls Crystal “the muscle behind the mastermind”. How was Crystal any sort of “muscle”? She lost every challenge. I’m sure she probably strongarmed some people by being rude and pushy, but I think Kenny did a lot of the muscling himself. Of course, Kenny is “the mastermind”, and Matty calls him “probably the most conniving player in the entire game”, which is how you can tell that Sugar has done a great job this season. She is, by far, the most conniving player this season. She’s making shifty eyes right now!
With that, everyone has been “honored”, so they take the masks representing all of the eliminated castaways and throw them on a fire while some villagers play traditional music. They all hold hands while their comrades burn as we go to commercial. Let’s think solemnly about Randy while we watch commercials for Cialis, shall we?
I will honor your memory by burning you alive.
Everyone done? Good. Challenge time! Probst calls it the “final” immunity challenge, so I guess there’s a final three this year. Today, the castaways will be given two hundred wooden tiles, and the tiles are to be used to “build a house of cards”. The first person to build a structure ten feet tall wins the final immunity and a guaranteed trip to the jury. I was as shocked as I’m sure everyone else was that this challenge wasn’t endurance related, but if you think about it, this is actually a logical extension of what they’ve been doing, which is to create challenges that are a more concentration-oriented with a small element of endurance (like the dish balancing from the China season and the marble deal from last season), and this is in that same vein, really. It’s cool that they keep changing things up and evolving their challenges, and part of why I still love this show after seventeen seasons. Oh, and there’s one more caveat: after 30 minutes, if no one has built a 10 foot tall tower, the person with the tallest structure will win.
The building of towers commences, and everyone seems to have a different strategy. Sugar’s going with what looks to be an unstable sort of triangular approach, using three tiles on each level and trying to get a tower up as quickly as possible. While Bob is working on very deliberately building a base, Susie’s is the first one to fall after getting about three feet tall. “Susie’s house of cards falls down!” Probst says, loving the destruction and the very blatant metaphor. Hey, did you know that your place in the game is a veritable “house of cards”? DID YOU?
Sugar’s tenuous structure falls once it gets a little taller than she is, which has to hurt. Bob’s still working from the bottom, trying to build a very sturdy base, and I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that he was going to figure out some sturdy way to do this and then suddenly smoke these fools. Sugar’s begins again and uses the long side of the tiles to quickly build a tall (if unsteady) structure. Susie starts again building a four sided structure this time, and Matty’s using like six on each level, somehow. Money!
Sugar’s falls again, and then Susie’s falls again. Oh, destruction. You are indeed entertaining. At 5 minutes left, Susie’s structure is quite high, and Sugar’s is too, but appears to be much less sturdy. With about a minute left, Susie wisely stops building at about eight feet and watches everyone else try to catch up to her. Once it becomes clear that no one is going to catch up to her, she completely loses it and starts crying, and with that, Susie is your final immunity winner, which certainly makes things interesting. On a side note, I feel like Kenny would have been awesome at this, so they probably made a good choice voting him out despite the fact that Susie won anyway.
“Take that, people who have no idea who I am!”
Back at camp, Matty basically tells Bob that he’s going to be getting his vote. Sugar starts crying (I know!) because she knows she has to vote for Bob. “He knows that nobody would win against him,” she says. He seems very good natured about it when they tell him, and the editors even give us the majestic orchestral exit music. Sneaky.
At this point, Susie starts talking and talking (and talking) a lot about her immunity win right in front of Bob. It’s a little insensitive, like a lot of the stuff Susie’s done this season, but you can tell that she’s just kind of overly excited about it, and she doesn’t realize what she’s doing and that it’s very genuine.
“If it ain’t about bow ties, I don’t wanna hear it.”
After talking at length about her immunity win, Susie asks Bob whether he thinks he would get a lot of jury votes if he were to go to the end. Bob, thinking that Susie is just using slightly different phrasing to continue congratulating herself, decides that he doesn’t really have the patience to deal with this anymore. “There’s really no point to even asking that, is there?” he says to her, annoyed. I mean, I can see why he would be annoyed, but now would probably be the time to be as nice as possible and start to look for any cracks you can. Susie tells us in confessional that she was trying to let Bob know that she wouldn’t have a problem taking Sugar out and going with him to the end instead, but that he put the kibosh on that by acting like a jerk. Susie keeps trying to get him to talk to her, and Bob finally just stops and asks that they talk about something else, since “everyone knows the score”. Well, he’s lucky Sugar’s an emotional mess right now.
Sugar takes it upon herself to take Susie aside and ask her not to talk about her immunity win to Bob, because it’s insensitive to him. I understand that Susie’s talking can be kind of annoying, but if Bob had won this immunity, do you think they’d give Susie the same consideration?
Sugar continues to be visibly disturbed at having to vote Bob out because she reminds him of her father, so she’s thinking about voting for Matty and forcing a tie. Bob seems really excited about this, and he goes off by himself to practice building a fire, karate kid style.
Sweep the leg!
“I don’t know exactly why Sugar’s being so kind to me,” he says. We don’t either, because it’s completely counter-intuitive to Sugar’s possible victory, which is what’s kind of bothered me about her throughout the whole game and what I’m just now realizing: My problem with Sugar is that she’s letting her emotions guide her through the game instead of thinking about how to create the best possible situation in which she can win. She’s making really shrewd moves, which has kept me from seeing what the real deal is.
If you think about it, she’s never really had a plan for more than a few hours ahead, and while she’s come up with well-executed ideas, there’s no grand plan and no real strategy. Sugar’s decisions have been based on how she’s judged people. She’s just continually taken it upon herself to deliver comeuppance to those that she believes to be “bad”, or conversely rewarded people that she believes to be “good”. She’s judged people according to whatever parameters she herself has set, decided a punishment, and then executed said punishment (exceedingly well, actually) without consideration for anything (and especially anyone) else but herself, and how she feels.
Think about it this way: why isn’t she giving Matty the same consideration she’s giving Bob? Shouldn’t she give him some sort of hint that he might need to prepare for a tiebreaker? Matty’s been very loyal to her. Matty’s voted how she wants. I’ll tell you: it’s because Sugar has made a little diagram in her head, and in that diagram she has ranked people according to their moral worth, and Bob is at the top and Matty is slightly underneath him. The fact that she’s keeping Bob around is the best proof of this hypothesis that I can offer: everyone knows he’s going to wipe the floor with her, and yet she cannot help herself, because this is how she has arranged the world around her, in good and bad, and handing down all these karmic punishments is her way of making sense of things. SHE believes that one person deserves this more than another, so SHE is taking it upon herself going to punish one person and reward the other.
My point is: Who is she to do that? It’s actually one of the most selfish ways imaginable to treat people, and it’s disguised as concern and friendship. She’s been doing it very effectively and efficiently, so it masquerades as some sort of strategy (despite the fact that it’s not), but nonetheless, it’s an exceedingly self-centered way to think and act.
The irony is that handing down these punishments without regard for any sort of loyalty to anyone actually makes the way she’s acting counter-intuitive to the way she’s judging other people. If she were to judge herself objectively, where would she fall on her own scale? The way she masquerades sort of consideration for other people that makes her appear vulnerable, when really the whole cycle is just allowing her to create a world of her choosing and hand down punishments as she sees fit. And that? Is not cool, at all. It’s almost as jerky as anything Randy did, if you think about it.
Well, except for that one part when he was racist.
Tribal Council. Jeff asks Bob how he feels knowing that he’s a huge threat and he has no immunity. He wants to know what Bob did to try and save himself, and the answer is “nothing much”. Talkative! Looking forward to the reunion. Jeff asks everyone individually what they are basing their vote on, since there are really only two options for everyone (except Susie, who has three). Matty says that since Sugar gave him the immunity idol and saved him, he owes her and thus his options are limited, since his only other choice is to vote for Bob. Bob talks about how he’s probably better off going with Sugar and Susie to the end because Matty is so well liked. Sugar says that she’d lose to both Bob and Matty, and then she starts crying about how they’re like family and how Bob is like her father and Matty is like her brother, and pretty soon Bob is crying, and it’s sort of gross and unnecessary, to be honest. While I appreciate that she’s going through a very emotional period in her life, I’ve reached my threshold of crying for this season. Oh, I feel so bad that she has to make this decision and come ever closer to the million dollar prize! If you’re so concerned about the well being of your “brother” and “father”, why don’t you ask everyone to vote for you, Sugar? What she’s saying by making the choice she’s about to make is “I consider both of you to be family, which is why I’ve decided to make the two of you face off in a duel to the death.” How does that make sense?
Like I’ve said about other contestants in the past, you can either be the person who ruthlessly eliminates people on their way to the millon dollar prize, or you can choose the other path, which is to play honestly and establish a precedent based on what you deem to be “good” and “evil”. You can’t be both, no matter how hard you try, because that makes you a hypocrite. I think you know where I’m going here.
Awwww….Wait. Don’t care.
Time to vote. Matty votes for “Runaround Bob” and gives him a lot of respect. Where did that nickname come from? I need background. Bob votes for Matty, and then Sugar votes while making a variety of torn and emotional faces, and all of a sudden I realize that she is very annoying to me. I don’t think I’ve ever gone from positive to negative on a contestant so quickly. When did this happen?
Of course, the vote is a stupid tie, and Matty and Bob will now be facing off in a fire making challenge. I’m sorry, but Sugar is ridiculous. Sugar is all “Dance, monkeys!” and people just go along, time and time again. It’s honestly the most selfish thing she can do, to make everyone else do all this stuff as a result of her every whim. If you think about it, this is just Randy and the fake idol, with different players in the roles.
So anyway, Matty and Bob start making fire. Matty can’t get a flame going because this is a situation involving pressure, and we all know how he rolls. Bob’s fire goes out, and then when he brings it back it builds and builds until Matty just sort of stops trying and watches, helpless, knowing he’s going home.
Matty hugs everyone and exits. I really can’t believe this. I don’t think Sugar realized that she probably had a legitimate shot at winning, but she honestly deserves to get steamrolled by Bob. It’s very fitting that the thing that’s guided her the whole game is the thing that will keep her from winning. It’s a small comfort.
Matty says he’s learned more about himself and about life than he ever has in his confessional. It’s a nice exit for him. I’ve given him a lot of crap for being sort of a jackass, but he seems like a genuine guy, and he gets a solid exit. Sorry Sugar did that to you, man.
Morning. Day 39. Your final three mark off Day 39 on the tree, and then they count them off together, which is ridiculous. Survivor: Sesame Street! Susie talks about how insane it is that she’s still there on Day 39. That appears to be her whole personality now. “Hey, I’m here!”
At the treemail box the standard feast is waiting for them. They enjoy a little brunch, which actually looks pretty damn tasty. Sugar tells us that, save for Marcus, she had something to do with the ousting of everyone. She really just screwed herself with this Bob thing, to a severe extent, I think. We’ll never know, but I think she had a really good shot at the money.
Bob tells us that he’s building his “last final gadget”, which is that they’re going to set the hut on fire. How is that a gadget? Is arson a gadget? I’m confused. Bob sets the hut on fire and they stand and watch it burn, and then they leave for the final Tribal Council while camp burns to the ground. That seems like a fire hazard, to me. You can tell when production ended by checking when the headline in the Gabon Times was “MASSIVE BLAZE LAYS WASTE TO COUNTRYSIDE” and right below it is a composite sketch of an old man in a bow tie.
“Now that we’ve raped the countryside, let’s do this thing!”
We get a little preview from some of the jury members while they walk slowly toward their doom. Kenny says he’s thinks Sugar controlled the game, and his goal is to get Bob to admit that he lied. He didn’t lie so much as change the rules in a manner that you didn’t find fair. Randy says that he dislikes all of them (Even Bob? What reason does he have to dislike Bob?). Well, except maybe Sugar, he says, who might be able to change his opinion. Wait, so the one who embarrassed you the most is the one you hate the least? I say again: lobotomy. Corinne is all “This is a chance for me to be me, ” meaning that she’s going to be really mean because that’s sort of all she has. So, after those shining sentiments, who’s looking forward to this? I sure am!
Final Tribal Council. The jury files in, complete with Matty who’s now sporting some man-pris. In Susie’s opening statement, she says that she feels she deserves the money because she tried. Seriously, that’s it. “Give it to me because I tried!” I am wowed! WHERE DO I SIGN THE CHECK?
“Have I mentioned that I try? Because I try. I really do. TRY!”
Bob talks about how he played “with gusto” and that his strategy was to use his survival skills to make their lives better. He doesn’t think he outwitted them or outplayed them (mostly because he didn’t, so this is a wise move), but he happens to have outlasted them, and thus would appreciate a vote. So, Bob’s argument is “Hey, didn’t you like it when I made that grill that one time?”
Sugar addresses the jury, stating she’s sitting in the finals because “she played a perfect social game” which couldn’t be farther from the truth, because that would require everyone not to hate you. Either way, shut up, Corinne’s face.
Sugar continues, saying that she’s really sorry that she “had to sacrifice some innocents”, and her voice comes across very cynically, as if she knows she’s over it and has no shot at winning, which is not the way to go into this. If you’re just going to sit there and be aloof, why not give the spot to Matty? Sugar continues, talking about how she’s been “a free agent” throughout the whole game, which is also not true, because betraying all the people that consider you an ally does not make you a free agent. Says she never made an alliance until she made an alliance with Bob, which is also not true, because she said one episode ago the words “I have an alliance with Crystal and Kenny.” Do you see the cognitive dissonance that’s she’s been working to legitimize everything she’s done in the name of karma? I know I’m being really harsh regarding Sugar, and I have a feeling that she’s a really nice person who would be really fun to drink with. It’s just that the strong moral compass that likely makes her a really loyal friend, an admirable person, and a good family member makes her completely unbearable in this very specific situation.
Jury questions. Charlie is up first. His question is for Sugar and Susie. He talks about how they were both rated right at the bottom way back in that episode where everyone got ranked. Why should Charlie vote for them at the top now? You will be shocked to hear that Susie would like Charlie’s vote because she tried. I know!
Sugar is like “Well, I don’t necessarily think you have to vote for me, but it would be nice.” Way to make an effort. I realize that some of these people have probably already figured out who they’re going to vote for long before they’ve arrived at this Tribal Council, but Charlie, who seems like of the more rational people this season, probably would have let her answer affect his decision had she, you know, actually tried. You’re going to do everything you’ve done, for this? Come on, Sugar.
Charlie is trying to send Bob into gay spasms by asking whether he enjoyed their spooning a little more then he lets on. Bob, unaffected: “Yeah, it was great! Any way I can get warm.” Is there a bowtie code like that thing with the bandanas where yellow means you like water sports and whatnot? Because that would be awesome.
Crystal’s turn. Crystal calls Susie a coattail rider, despite the fact that getting Susie to change her vote and get rid of Marcus was instrumental to Crystal’s success. What she tells Bob next is too awesome not to reiterate verbatim: “Sugar remote controlled you like a race car up and down Gabon. I want you to tell me something that you thought of that Sugar did not remote control you to do!” Aside from using the word “remote control” as a verb, which is phenomenal in and of itself, it’s a totally Crystal thing to do to invent a metaphor about being controlled that has the actual word control in it. Deep!
Bob responds by admitting that he was basically riding coattails strategically. “Honestly, I didn’t need to do anything other than that to get where I’m sitting.” Well, at least he knows how he got there. Crystal next addresses Sugar, talking about how they’d been aligned since Day 10, and they even did “booger checks” (awkward!), so she wants to know why Sugar turned on her and voted her out. “Honestly, it was because of the way you treated people, Crystal,” Sugar says. Crystal’s exit was definitely deserved, but I’ve had so much of this kind of judgment from Sugar that even this statement is now too much for me.
Kenny is next, and asks Susie why she deserves his vote. Guess what? She tried! He tells Sugar that she was the first girl he could really trust, and she backstabbed him, which gets her to cry just like he’d hoped. It’s like he’s Julie Chen and she’s Amber! Remember when she kept trying to get Amber to cry during every live show? Man, that was awesome.
She tells Kenny the truth, which is that she had an alliance with Matty and Bob, and thought Kenny was a bigger threat than Susie. Kenny tells Sugar that he doesn’t believe her, because he knows that Sugar has projected some sort of evil or good upon everyone at this point. Kenny asks Bob what we all know he’s going to ask, which is some bullshit question about their deal. Bob tells him the same thing he said before, which is that he intended to honor the deal, but that bets were off when he figured out that Kenny was coming to get him. “That was not what I wanted to hear from you Bob.” Kenny says. What did he want to hear? I’m not sure what the point of that was.
“Susie, if you say yes to this question, I will give you my million dollar vote: If you get the money, will you agree to have your vocal cords removed?” There is general cracking up, since everyone’s been annoyed by Susie’s talking at some point. Instead of saying yes like she should just to get the vote (and because it’s really the only appropriate response, since Corinne is never going to vote for her anyway) Susie says no. Corinne tries to get Bob to be mean to Sugar, and it only works a little when Bob whines some more about how Sugar acted after they tricked Randy, even though he was totally complicit in that.
And now it’s time for what I’m sure you’re all here to discuss (well, other than to bitch at me for the things I’ve said about Sugar). “Sugar, you are an unemployed, uneducated leech on society, and the only thing I would vote to give you is a handful of antidepressants so that no one else has to be subjected to your constant crying anymore. And then maybe if you got some, than it would seem a little more sincere when you are crying about your dead father“. Sugar very rightfully gives Corinne the middle finger, because you just don’t talk about that kind of thing, no matter how much you hate someone, because it is over the line, and it doesn’t deserve any more webspace. Moving on!
Marcus. He calls Susie out for giving up on her obligation to be a positive role model because it’s “just a game”. Wow, even his fiery invective is boring. After verifying with Sugar that her father is, in fact, dead, he tells Sugar that they have something in common since he’s also lost someone. He asks her whether she would use some of the prize money to honor the memory of her father. What is she going to say to that, no?
Marcus wants one example from Bob of when he made an active choice to vote someone out. Bob tells Marcus that “the occasion didn’t come up”, mostly because it didn’t. “You guys seemed to be doing a fine job making those choices, so I didn’t bother,” he says succinctly. There are several times when he made his own decisions: he gave the fake idol to Sugar to try and save his own ass, or the second idol story about Marcus himself that he tried to pull off. If you’re wondering why Susie came as close as she did to winning, you can look at Bob’s terrible performance during this and several other questions, since each vote for Susie was a tiny “eff this” to this entire group of people.
Randy. He asks Susie why she said she felt sorry for him that one time. “I’d like for you to elaborate on that for me,” he says, “and if you don’t know what elaborate means, it means tell me a little bit more.” So, he just sort of answered his own question by being a condescending jerk, then. Susie actually has an awesome response to this one: “Well, the way you respond to people makes me think that you’re not a happy person, which makes me feel sorry for you. I wish I knew a way that I could help you,” What an honest answer that was. Susie hasn’t gotten a lot of shining moments this season, but I thought that was nice.
“Did I just get faced by someone invisible?”
Randy moves on to Sugar. “Why did you laugh at me when I was voted out? Did you not even consider the fact that I had a vote? Why would you try to make a jack-ass out of me?” Sugar, earning back some of the many, many points she’s lost during this episode: “I don’t think I needed to do that, I think you did that yourself.” Randy asks Bob why he participated in the whole fake idol debacle. Bob tries to tell Randy that it was strategic in that he was trying to endear himself to Sugar (which is actually what got him this far) but Randy interrupts him. “That’s all? Are you really going to make me vote for Susie?” he says. Remember how I said that a vote for Susie is a vote for “eff this”? Exhibit A, homies.
Matty. He asks Susie why the other two people are less deserving than she is. She doesn’t really have an answer to that question, because “I tried” is the only thing she’s really prepared, and it doesn’t quite work in this situation. She tells Matty that Sugar was rude to Randy and that Bob was a jerk earlier about her immunity win, and that’s pretty much all she’s got. You’d think that, having seen this show before and with a million dollars on the line, that there would be certain questions to which you would create a pre-chosen answer. This would be one of those questions.
Matty has latched onto Sugar’s whole morality hang-up, so he wants Sugar to face the fact that she’s a hypocrite and admit to something she’s done that could be construed as “evil”. Because it just recently happened, Sugar apologizes for letting Kenny down (oh, and she cries). Matty’s a little shocked, because he wants an apology. He asks Bob why the other two finalists are more deserving than he is, and Bob’s response? “Um, I don’t think they are.” Awesome response, and one I can’t believe no one has used before when asked this question. Also pretty much what you would expect from Bob.
Finally, we are done and it’s time to vote. That has to be, without a doubt, the worst performance in a by a final three in the history of this show. Did any of them say anything of worth or make any sort of convincing argument for giving them the million dollars?
We get to see Matty cast a vote for Susie. “We were friends the whole way through the game,” he says, because why the hell not, right? Corinne votes for Bob. “I’m not sure how you survive the real world,” she says . Randy votes, and pulls a Crystal by yelling “All three of you KISS MY ASS!” Kenny seems to have some trouble and paces for a while before casting his vote.
With that, Jeff heads away from the Tribal Council and leaves them alone. I always imagine them sitting around awkwardly and collectively going, “Um…so can anyone give me a ride home?”
And now we’re in Hollywood, ready to announce the results. Of course, Sugar is dressed like it’s 1930, and she looks gorgeous even if the whole motif is mildly annoying. Bob and Susie look pretty much the same, except cleaner.
Jeff gets right down to business. The first vote for Bob (massive cheers), the second is for Susie (moderate applause), and then pretty soon Susie has two more and it’s 3-1. For a moment I am afraid that a lot of people just went “whatever, these people all suck” and cast an existential vote for Susie. I actually thought it would be kind of awesome if she won, because she’s exactly the kind of winner this season deserves, which is to say that these people are mostly so spiteful that one final act of malice is pretty much what you would expect.
But, it is not to be. Bob gets three more votes and wins, and there he is, off hugging his family. He should really be hugging Sugar, because she pretty much wrote him the check.
So there it is, people. I’ll be back for a reunion recap later this week. It’s pretty much the best winner we could have asked for this season (well, except maybe Kenny), so, um…yay? I guess? When’s Brazil?