Tonight, on Survivor: “Wah wah wah, I’m good, you’re evil.” Um, no, you’re not.Nobag, Night 33. Matty is predictably unhappy about the third vote he got, even though he showed little to no emotion at the Tribal Council itself. When he asks Kenny what the deal is, Kenny actually tells him the truth, which is that he thought Bob and Corinne had an idol. Matty does not believe Ken, which is kind of ironic, since this is the one time that he’s told the truth since, like, Day 6.
Sugar talks to Kenny and tries to calm him down, telling him not to worry about Matty since they’ll have the votes to get rid of him soon anyway. Kenny tells us that he voted for Matty in order to get some jury votes, but I really don’t see the logic in that. Did he think that casting an ultimately irrelevant vote for someone who would have gone home without his vote was going to get Marcus to vote for him or something?
Crystal says that she regrets not voting for Matty last week, and that she’s sick of his attitude. When Crystal is sick of someone else’s attitude, I sometimes black out. I hope to wake up before the finale on Sunday, but right now it’s not looking too good.
Kenny goes to harass Bob for causing him all this trouble, accusing Bob of lying to him. “I didn’t lie to you,” Bob says. Kenny, in response: “Well, the idol was a fake, right?” Bob, awesomely: “Okay, I did lie to you.” Bob tells Kenny that he feels horrible, which he should not. Kenny lays it on thick, all “I vote with you, and this is what I get for being a nice guy?” as if he vote for Matty sheerly out of the kindness of his heart. I start to get mad at Ken for acting all self-righteous, and then he says in confessional that it’s a strategy and I start to calm down a little. Bob somehow ends up promising Kenny that he’ll give him immunity if he wins it next. Yeah, that’s historically ended up well for the person promised the immunity in the past.
Maybe Bob is a homeless cheerleading coach too!
Reward challenge. Today the Survivors will be racing through a swampy obstacle course to retrieve some mini-basketballs, which they will then try to toss into a basket back at the beginning. The first person to sink all three balls wins the reward, which is a trip to a gorilla sanctuary, including a meal and a shower (with gorillas too, I’m assuming).
He’s looking pretty scrawny.
Matty and Kenny jump off to an early lead, and Bob is a little bit behind them taking things very steadily. Jeff mocks the women because they can’t seem to sink any baskets, since girls can’t play sports which makes them dumb. Matty and Kenny get back with their final balls, and Matty predictably gets flustered and chokes, leaving room for Bob to come from behind and take the victory, challenge powerhouse that he now is. He’s kind of an assassin in a bow tie. The Bow-Tie Assassins is totally the name of my next album.
So Bob wins the reward and gets to choose one person to take with him. He immediately chooses Crystal, possibly because he just saw her spectacular dunk and was suitably impressed.
Bob gets to choose one more person, because according to Probst “three’s a party”, but when it’s Bob and Crystal, three is sweet, sweet relief for Bob. Bob chooses to take Kenny along as well, telling us that he needs Kenny and Crystal to work with him in order to become successful. I fail to see how that’s true, since he’s more likely to convince everyone else that the two of them are a huge threat. Maybe he just wants to have a nice dinner with Crystal, since I’m sure she’s a delight in social settings.
“Please pass the butter. Also, SCREW YOU, GO HOME!”
Oh, and Bob also sends Susie to Exile, but that doesn’t really matter because Susie is boring and nothing but a number, which is why there are six people left and I have no idea who she is. And we know what that means: she’ll be eliminated efficiently before the final three (or two, whichever).
Bob, Kenny and Crystal take off in the conveniently provided helicopter (because you can’t drive to the gorilla sanctuary, or the monkeys will ruin your paintjob). There’s a little feast waiting for them, and they make small talk about how much they now hate Matty for being a jerk. Wait, just now? Welcome to the party. You’re late. Kenny and Crystal tell Bob that the plan is now to eliminate Matty no matter the outcome of the next immunity challenge, using Sugar as the 4th vote. Kenny, clearly angling for a more valuable immunity down the line, tries to finesse the whole idol gift scenario, telling Bob that he doesn’t have to give it to Kenny in this particular round. Bob tells Kenny that he can make the choice about the immunity when it comes time to go to Tribal Council. You’d never think that a bow tie wearing physics teacher would be this season’s version of Dreamz, but that’s what makes this show so awesome, I guess.
After a shower and a gift of some new African saris, the motley crew heads off to the gorilla sanctuary. The people who run the sanctuary explain that the gorillas are orphans whose parents were killed for their meat. I smell the plotline of a Disney movie!
Bob, Kenny and Crystal observe gorillas (or stock footage of random gorillas) from a platform. Bob tells us that he felt a connection with the monkeys, which is probably because a few of them are monkey butlers and also wear bow ties on occasion as a result.
Back at camp, Sugar and Matty are by themselves, so Matty works Sugar to try and get Kenny and Crystal eliminated. He tells her that he’s been gunning for them the entire game (not true). Sugar is not having any of his shenanigans, and tells him that he’d better win the next immunity, because that’s the only thing that’s going to save him. He accuses her of being aligned with Kenny and Crystal and she’s all “Gee, what gave you that idea, genius?”
He then calls them “the evil three”, which is stupid, because that would mean that Matty is somehow on the good side, and that can’t be correct. Matty half-jealously tells Sugar that she has nothing to worry about because she has the idol and is safe. “You should give it to me,” he says dismissively, and she’s like “Oh, Matty,” in this way that tells you that she is amused by this concept. “I’m pretty much on my own at this point,” says Matty, wanting us to feel sorry for him. I do not.
The reward winners return to camp, and Sugar is jealous that Kenny has had his shirt laundered. Judging from the mockery that he received during the auction, he should probably be thankful. The second they get back to camp, Matty starts complaining that he’s had his name written down three times, and Crystal plays My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad by telling him her name’s been written down eight, so stop with the whining. Crystal then takes Matty out for a private conversation and starts screaming at him about something completely random having to do with Susie that has never come up before and about which I am completely confused. I suppose, at this point, that I should stop trying to make sense of what Crystal does. She’s definitely picking a fight with him about nothing, I can tell you that much.
Sugar watches the altercation, completely alarmed that Crystal is yelling for no reason, as if she has never met Crystal before. She acts completely horrified that Crystal is picking a fight, as if this is a whole new side of Crystal or something instead of, you know, the only side. “Matty doesn’t deserve to be yelled at,” Sugar says, crying. “Kenny and Crystal think they can take out whomever they want, and they’re not good people.” She goes to Matty and tells him that she now believes that Kenny and Crystal are evil, and she says that they can form a new alliance consisting of the two of them, Bob and Susie. Matty is visibly excited by this news. “I might get killed in the finals by Bob, but at least good will prevail,” Matty says.
See, I have a problem with this. I don’t understand what makes Matty and Sugar “good people” and Kenny and Crystal “bad people”. Yeah, Crystal is a little harsh and yells a lot, but Matty is, in my opinion, equally as douchey as Crystal in many ways. I’m totally rooting for Sugar at this point, but considering the way that she completely embarrassed Randy and laughed at him (which I thought was awesome, but just making a point) and the way she aligned with Ace and then completely betrayed him when it suited her, she’s in no position to make morality calls regarding who falls on the good and evil sides.
How is what Sugar’s done any better or worse than what Crystal just did to Matty, or better or worse than any of the moves that Kenny’s made throughout the game? My point is that there’s essentially no difference between these two groups, and the concept of a “good side” and a “bad side”, in this particular season with these particular people, is not a notion that makes any sense, and Matty and Sugar calling themselves good and another group of people bad does not reflect well, considering the circumstances.
I mean, are we supposed to be rooting for Matty, seriously? He’s not likable. His laugh, his attitude, his awkward phrasings. None of it is appealing in the least, so quit trying to make me root for him, show.
Immunity Challenge! The contestants have to study the features of a mask, grab three bags of puzzle pieces, and navigate an obstacle course to reassemble the mask from memory on the other side. Oh, and it will all be done blindfolded. Before Jeff can even get the challenge started, Sugar starts on wrong side of table, which bodes well for the potential comedic value of this challenge. People begin studying the masks before navigating the course, and Bob ends up being the last one to leave. Crystal hilariously wanders out of her lane, and then wanders off the course completely while Probst berates her. Wow, she keeps finding new and exciting ways to suck at these challenges. Pretty soon, Susie has completely wandered off the course as well and is completely behind the course, wandering off aimlessly. Man, blindfolds really equal comedy gold in these challenges. It also makes the choosing of screencaps remarkably entertaining.
I really wish I had thought to do a FAILCrystals motif starting at the beginning of the season and chronicling all her challenge dives. Missed opportunity, there.
At one point, Kenny hits his head and Probst is all “Wow, even the king can get injured in this challenge!” which is out of line in so many ways. This challenge, like all the others recently, comes down to a race between Matty, Bob and Ken, and Bob ends up pulling it out yet again, making it 4 challenge wins in a row. I wonder if when he takes off his bow tie, he loses all his power, like the One Ring or something.
Back at camp, Kenny and Crystal talk in the woods, deciding that Bob is too much of a threat to keep around. Kenny is going to get Bob to give him the necklace, and then they’re going to blindside Bob and vote him out. I checked the filming schedule, and these people were able to see what happened last season, and I really don’t see Bob making the same mistake as Erik. Plus, we haven’t heard Bob say “JEEPERS!” yet, so there’s that.
Kenny goes to Bob and says that he doesn’t feel very comfortable about the upcoming tribal council. It’s actually a really terrible acting job, and Bob is definitely quite annoyed that Kenny is even trying to get the immunity. “Bob will look bad if he doesn’t give it to me and he breaks his word, and if he does, he’s gone, so this is win-win for me,” Kenny says, pleased with himself. It’s not win-win if you look like a whiny baby in front of the jury, jerk.
Crystal informs Sugar of the plan to eliminate Bob by getting the necklace from him, and Sugar looks displeased, mostly because I don’t think she likes not having a say in what happens and being told what to do by the likes of Crystal. In fact, Bob doesn’t buy that Kenny’s in danger, and so Kenny tells everyone to tell Bob that they’re voting to get rid of Kenny himself, so that Bob will actually give up the necklace.
Sugar has had enough, so she goes to Bob and tells him absolutely everything, including the plan to oust him once he gives up the necklace. Sugar starts crying, again. “I want good people to win this,” she says to Bob, telling him that she wants to form a new alliance with Matty, Susie and the two of them to get rid of Crystal. Bob is the one person that I think could legitimately be called “good” that’s remaining, but like I said: these other people, including Sugar herself? Not so much. She is definitely not the person who gets to decide who falls on what side of the good/evil line.
“Yes, and I have a big place in my bow tie for you.”
Sugar returns to camp and does a pretty good acting job convincing Crystal and Kenny that she was actually out trying to convince Bob to give up the idol. When she takes Matty aside and tells him about what she’s done and what her plan is, he starts yakking almost immediately and offering his trademark idiotic and poorly phrased ideas, and Sugar looks at him with the best STFU eyes ever. “Let me do the thinking,” she says hilariously. Wow, she did everything but pat him on the head there.
Sugar is now wearing idol nonchalantly around her neck. “Heck yes I’m going to play the idol tonight,” she tells us. “This is my last chance to do it, so why wouldn’t I use it to get myself into the final five?” Um…if you’re James?
Tribal Council. Jeff brings the jury in, now with added Corinne, and Randy’s hair has been cut into the douchiest mohawk you have ever seen. Wow, he keeps finding new and interesting ways to be lame, doesn’t he?
Jeff asks Bob about whether he thinks he is a threat. Answer: yes. Enlightening! These tribal councils seem more and more like timewasters each week, like people are just stating the obvious. Matty says that he’s happy that Bob is so dominating, because at least he’s a nice guy instead of “someone less caliber”. Only Matty can combine that uniquely unnecessary morality call with that uniquely unnecessary combination of words. For someone whose been a huge asshole on more than one occasion, he sure is calling other people evil a lot.
Kenny takes this opportunity to tell everyone (well, really just the jury) about how Bob promised him the idol, and how he thinks he’s in danger, and it really just comes off as very whiny and self-indulgent, which is not going to help him with that particular set of people.
Probst talks about the immunity idol, and Sugar starts mugging for the camera and flashing it all over the place. Jeff jokes that it might not even be real, considering the recent spate of fake ones that have been making their way around camp. Bob is awesomely like “Well, I didn’t make that one.”
Jeff now gives Bob the opportunity to give his immunity away, and he states that he knows Kenny’s not in danger, so he’s going to keep it, wisely. Boy, Kenny is really misplaying his endgame. That vote for Matty set this whole chain of events in motion, and then this week’s needlessly complicated immunity deal with Bob and the whining in front of the jury members? He’s making a lot of easy mistakes.
Time to vote. Crystal votes for Matty, snidely saying that she’s happy to pay him back for all the votes he’s given her. Matty votes for Crystal, and then Sugar votes for Crystal as well. “Wow, you really don’t know how to relate to people. Good luck with the jury!” she says. They really need to show her vote confessionals every week, because they’re awesome.
Jeff returns with the votes and offers the opportunity to play the hidden idol. Sugar is all “Matty, take this cursed thing!” and hands it over to him to play. Over on the jury bench, Corinne mugs for the camera for the sake of the mugging itself, since she hates Sugar and doesn’t completely understand what is going on. Shut up, Corinne’s overly animated face.
Jeff reads the votes, stating that those cast for Matty will not count. The first two are for Matty from Ken and Crystal, and the rest are for Crystal herself, who is completely shocked to have been blindsided. She’s visibly crying when Jeff snuffs her torch, and she makes an uncharacteristically gracious exit.
Like I said, I’m not very excited about this particular turn of events, mostly because of all the hypocritical moralization that’s occurring around it. It’s nice comeuppance for Crystal to essentially be eliminated for being bitchy and picking fights for no reason, but like I said, rooting for Matty is not really any better, to me. This whole pretense of wanting “good people” to win is such bullshit, especially when it comes to these particular people, and it really sours me on what was honestly an amazing move by Sugar.
Either way, no matter what she said when she did it, the fact of the matter is that she just owned everyone’s asses. You can certainly make the case that she’s played the best strategic game at this point.
I’ll see you guys on Sunday for the finale. Fiddle dee dee, I get to recap three hours of show!