Survivor: Opinions Are Like…Wait, How Does The Rest Go?

Survivor

By Schoonie | Monday, April 20, 2009 | 11:39 pm | 41 Comments

Tagged: funny, hilarious, recap, schoonie, spoof, TV, tvgasm

Tonight, on Survivor: Midgets try to eat Coach’s asshole. Oh, if only I were making that up.The night following Joe’s fade into obscurity, Coach tells us that there is a “funk permeating the camp”. I bet I can tell you what the smell is. Coach, luckily, has the perfect remedy for the stench. Surprisingly, his solution is not to commit hara-kiri. “I want to share piece of my life with them. I want to show them that no matter how bad it gets in your life, there is always something that’s gonna make it much worse.”

Coach then shares a story that “only three other people in the world know” about a time when he had a military helicopter drop him off at the Peruvian border, and then he paddled down the Amazon river, where he was captured by four foot tall indigenous midgets, who then proceeded to tie him up and beat him with clubs. Fortunately, he “wore through the rope” (generic!) and slipped out the back of the hut.

The rest of the tribe listens to this story with various levels of amusement, ranging from skepticism to…lots of skepticism. Debbie tells us that she wanted to give him a “reality check” after hearing his ridiculous tale. People, mother effing Debbie did not believe this story, and Debbie believes in The Great Pumpkin.

Brendan, who is probably more amused than anyone else, starts asking questions in order to poke holes in Coach’s story. “How much does it cost to have a military copter drop you off?” he begins. “That would be free.” Coach replies curtly, because the military is his bitch. Yeah, I’d believe that Coach knows Donald Rumsfeld or something. Obviously, they’re both good at making up stories. ZING!

Who, the midgets or Forza?

Coach also says that National Geographic wanted to come with him, and that he said no he wanted to be on his own. Yep, just Coach, the crisp Peruvian air, and thousands of cannibal midgets.

“Coach is either the second coming of Cousteau, or the biggest fraud in this game,” Brendan says. What does Jacques Cousteau have to do with anything that Coach just said? Was there an undersea element to the story that was edited out?

Holy shit, how are we just now at the credits? I’m tired.

We open Day 22 with more meditation from Coach, except this time there is an Oriental theme, complete with crane flying overhead. I guess they had lots of leftover stuff from the China season. The former Jalapao members are apparently seeing this for the first time, because Debbie is explaining how Coach “likes to do that in the morning, it’s kind of like his thing”. Also kind of his thing? Ponytails. And dragons. He’s sort of like a little girl in a lot of ways, now that I think about it.

Coach comes back to the beach, and Brendan asks what kind of meditation he was doing. Coach says that it’s called “Chong Ran”, telling Brendan that if you do a Google search on it, you won’t find it because it has to be passed down verbally. Also because it’s not real, but probably mostly the verbal thing.

“I know some stuff that you can’t look up on Google either, like that you’re full of shit. Well, you’ll be able to look that up on Google after this airs, but for now, I mean.”

Sierra (I think) tells Coach that he “looked hilarious”, but he says that he doesn’t “give a flip” what anyone’s thinking about, which is probably also why he used the term “give a flip”. He tells us that he’s ready to be rid of Brendan with his new alliance with Tyson, Debra, Stephen and JT. “I am commanding my officers, and running the show like I was born to do,” he says, unaware that the show he is running exists only in his head.

Coach calls Brendan the “dragon” again, and then says that Sierra is the “bowel movements that comes (sic) out of the dragon”. I’m sure he is equating her with poop because she is worthless, and that it has nothing to do with the fact that she just mocked his stupid secret fake meditation.

In non-Coach related events, Erinn talks to JT down by the river, telling him that she really misses Joe, even though JT, much like the rest of us, has already completely forgotten who Joe even is. Erinn laments that she has no one to talk to, because she hated her old tribe. She flat goes, “I like you guys way more than I like my own tribe,” because she doesn’t have anything to lose. JT knows that he can use Erinn as an extra asset if he needs to, but Erinn’s got her own game going, too: “It’s nice to have room to move around, since the former Jalapao members really need a fourth right now.” JT must have a really trusting face or something. People just…tell him things. That’s what makes his friendship with Stephen so effective: JT takes this info to Stephen, and he uses his mind grapes to process it into strategy. That’s not to say that JT doesn’t have his own ideas (because he does), but so far we’ve pretty much seen Stephen calling the shots at the end.

Reward Challenge. The tribe will be divided up into teams of three, and each team has row of tiles. The goal is to toss a ball and knock out the tiles of one of the other two teams. The last team with tiles remaining wins an afternoon of whitewater rafting and picnicking, and also gets to send someone to Exile alone.

The teams are Debbie Brendan JT, Tyson Taj Coach, and Stephen Sierra Erinn. People start going after Brendan’s team, and he wants to know why everyone’s going after him, because he still hasn’t picked up on the fact that everyone hates him. When Erinn points out that his team is “a little stacked”, Brendan points out that they’re all throwing balls underhand to break tiles, and that no one’s exactly a pro at this, since no one’s done it before. Coach: “I have”. Does that story involve midgets beating you about the head and neck too?

COBRA KAI!

There is tile smashing, complete with montage. Erinn knocks out Team Coach after some strategizing with JT. The other two teams only have one tile apiece remaining, and after several rounds of misses, Brendan clips the last tile but doesn’t break it, and then Erinn does the same thing. Taj calls it a nail biter, but it is actually incredibly boring. This is the Joe of challenges, if you will. Brendan finally, mercifully knocks the final tile out, and Brendan, JT and Debbie will get to go whitewater rafting together.

They decide to send Stephen to Exile. Coach tells him to “be the wizard”, for some reason, even though it means less than nothing, even in a metaphorical sense. I think between this and the dragon slaying reference that Coach has maybe been to one too many Renaissance Fairs in his time. Can you not see him wandering around in a monk’s robe with a giant turkey leg, greeting people with lame Old English phrasings and hitting on seventeen year olds with Maid Marian dresses and braided hair?

At Exile Island, Stephen receives his clue: “A big wooden head is what you have here, look in the gap that you’ll find in the rear.” Apparently, the people writing the clues have not been laid in a while. Since Stephen already knows where the idol is (in his pocket), he doesn’t particularly care about some vaguely dirty clue, so he sets off to make a fire. He tells us that he hasn’t made fire at that camp, so this will be his first time fending for himself. He spends a long time with the flint, as in: it gets dark and there is time lapse photography. When he finally starts the fire, he compares it to giving birth to his first child. Man, that would really burn your crotch.

“I’m going into labor!”

Reward! In order to keep Debbie, Brendan and JT from perishing in the river, the producers have arranged for experienced rafters to ride along with them. Brendan comments that JT was really digging it, almost like a little kid, and then we get a lot of really dorky JT faces as he looks just like a little kid. Soon it’s time for the picnic, which includes chicken wings, which sound pretty good right now. JT tells us that he was worried about having to hang with Brendan, but that it wasn’t uncomfortable at all and pretty easy to get along with him. Yeah, I think you would have to be an actual serial killer to keep JT from liking you. Even then, I think he would probably like a gentler serial killer, as long as the serial killer wasn’t, I don’t know, hiding the heads in his fridge or something.

“Man, I’m having a blast! I just wish the tour guides would quit telling me their deepest, darkest secrets.”

Debbie wanders off somewhere, probably to pick flowers and have butterflies land on her head or something, leaving Brendan and JT by themselves. Brendan asks JT whether the other tribe members had approached him, and JT shakes his head no. Brendan offers to ally with him, noting for us in confessional that “winning” this game for him is about getting an outcome that will satisfy him, and since he likes JT, getting JT the win would be just like Brendan winning. When you are already a millionaire, it’s easy to make statements like this, isn’t it? I would also be remiss if I did not mention that he seems pretty genuine about this, especially because he is doing it on Day 21 and not using it as an excuse for his terrible play on Day 38, Sugar.

Back at camp, Brendan goes to Sierra to tells her that he doesn’t want to send JT home next, because he thinks the plan from last week remains in effect, since he still hasn’t figured out yet that everyone hates him. Brendan proposes to her that they put their super secret cross tribal alliance into effect and get rid of Tyson. When she agrees, Brendan takes the same idea to Taj; he even goes “I know that we haven’t talked, but you have to trust me,” just to drive home what a terrible player he is. Thanks for doing the work for me! Taj makes the very salient point that she should probably be worried about her position in the game, what with Jalapao down three to six, but the Timbira members have been so busy trying to take each other out that she hasn’t really had to worry about it. Devote the time to writing a comeback album! I know that there are at least…a couple of people that wish that would happen.
Immunity. Jeff takes the necklace back from Tyson, even though in all fairness he should get to keep it and then they should give the winner of today’s challenge immunity as well. Everyone is going to be attached to a rope, and the rope is going to be wrapped around a wooden structure. The first three people to follow their rope around the structure get to go to the final round, which is another rope-wrapped structure that’s three stories tall, sort of like a jungle gym. The person who wins the second round gets immunity.

There’s not really too much to say about this one. There is climbing! And people following rope! It is as riveting as you would think. Tyson and JT are in front the whole time, and then Brendan and Sierra are competing for the final spot, which ends up going to Brendan. In the final round, Tyson smokes everyone and wins immunity yet again.

ZZZZZZZZZ

Back at camp, Coach goes through the whole spiel about how Brendan is the dragon and he is the dragon slayer, and the votes will be split between Brendan and Sierra, and he is in charge and is the greatest human being ever, and I am bored with him. This can’t be real, can it? Is there a person like this in the world that actually exists? I find it difficult to believe. Maybe my faith in humanity is unfounded.

Stephen tells everyone about that one time when he made fire, and Coach congratulates him in the most condescending way possible, telling him that “The Wizard is coming into the Man of the Mountain” which makes no sense, cohesively or grammatically. Tyson straight up stops the conversation in front of everyone, just to verify that Brendan is still on the chopping block. Tyson tells us that he wants Brendan to go home first, just so that he can boss Sierra around for three days. “I probably won’t win her vote, but I’ll probably win everyone else’s,” he says. Did I miss the part where Sierra was annoying?

Brendan says it’s time for Exile Alliance to do their thing, and since Tyson has immunity, he’s going after Coach. Once he takes this information to JT, JT grabs Stephen to discuss. When JT tells Stephen that Brendan wants him in the finals, Stephen is laughably honest: “Why would he want that? That’s crazy.” If I’m JT, I’m alarmed by what that means for my chances to go the ends with Stephen himself.

“I don’t know, this is a really strong play to get rid of Brendan. We might not get another chance at him,” Stephen says astutely, knowing that Coach is not as much of a threat to the two of them. JT throws in his two cents, all “And what about that story? It’s probably a lie. I’d have come back with a 30/30 Winchester!” which is such a redneck-y response that it comes all the way back around to being endearing, just like everything else JT does.

“Would you say that we’re in control of this game right now?” JT says, and Stephen answers in affirmative. True. I’m not sure it’s anything JT’s done specifically, except be some sort of lovable hick, but: whatever. It works for them. Ironically, Brendan’s desire to save JT from being voted out really only saves Brendan himself from being voted out, since his perceived goodwill is saving no one’s ass but his own.

Brendan tells us that he’s looking forward to taking out Coach. “I don’t like misleading people, but this is, like, the one time in life when you’re actually allowed to do it!” he says, laughing. In order to misdirect the rest of Timbira, Brendan gets them all together to make sure they’re all ready to get rid of JT. “Yeah, I’ll pass it around to everyone,” Tyson says. There’s a brief moment where Tyson and Brendan exchange looks, each thinking that they have the upper hand.

Coach gives us one more jewel before Tribal Council, because the editors cannot get enough of his ass: “Leaders are born, we’ll see tonight who really is the chosen one; it’s gonna be Coach Wade, and that’s very fulfilling”. Wow, so many things wrong here: referring to one’s self in the third person, the almost overtly homoerotic masculinity, the utilization of overwrought Christ imagery. And here I thought that it was impossible to pile this many terrible things one on top of another, outside of an episode of The Real World: Las Vegas.

Tribal Council. Probst begins by asking who keeps the tribe laughing. WTF? What is he, the head of the yearbook staff doing senior superlatives? He asks JT who tells the best “campfire stories” and JT says Coach, of course. Can something that’s so obviously one hundred percent factual be called a “story” really? Probst asks Taj what the best story is, which is cause for Taj to bring up Midgetgate again. Jeff asks Coach if his story is true, and Coach admits that he “toned it down a little” in order to keep it PG-13. “I didn’t want to admit that the tribe was looking at my asshole and talking about eating it, but they were looking at my asshole”. Everyone completely loses it, and Coach looks around like he can’t understand why any of what he’s saying is funny. I don’t care if you’re an indigenous midget or what, you don’t look at a living thing’s asshole and go, “Gee, that looks like the tastiest part of the body! Let’s eat that first!” Of course, since Coach is pretty much one giant, walking asshole, they could have been looking at anything. He should be more specific.

Word, Sierra.

Coach says he has the scars to prove it (so they…took part of your asshole, then?), and he can prove that he’s been in “five, six, seven or eight life or death situations”. For those of you interested, they are: the Indian tribe he just mentioned, attacked by shark (the shark tried to eat his asshole), crocodile (likewise), and an encounter with a hurricane (which, oddly, also tried to eat his asshole).

Probst tells Coach that he sure has spent a lot of time talking about integrity, and numbers, and sticking together with Timbira. Is that still the case, and will he be maintaining this integrity? “Absolutely,” Coach says, because Probst might be a jerk on occasion, but even he knows that Coach is a giant hypocrite, and this is going to be great for the reunion.

“The seven layers of heaven, with the Vikings, were determined on how they were defeated in battle. I want to surround myself with warriors, and even if that means they defeat me, I think that’s the honorable way to play this game.” This is, of course, why his current final five contains Debbie instead of Brendan.

So much faux spirituality, so little time. Have you seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall? I love that movie, and I love Kristin Bell so, so much, but that is a subject for another time. There’s a line in the movie where she’s telling off her Russell Brand boyfriend who has a bunch of douchey tattoos just like Coach and speaks in a bunch of meaningless spiritual gibberish just like Coach, and she looks at him and his tattoos and goes “You know what? Let me tell you something about these tattoos, okay? That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that’s just gibberish. They are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of shit!” Yeah, I think that about covers it.

Probst asks Tyson about the immunity idol, and he says he’s just assuming that everyone who’s been to Exile Island has it until he can pinpoint who actually does, which is a solid strategy, actually. In response Taj volunteers (a bit too eagerly for my taste) that she doesn’t have it, and then Probst takes it upon himself to cycle through all the people who have ever been to Exile to ask if they have it, which I have a little problem with, honestly. Don’t flat out ask people, Probst. Anyway, Erinn and Stephen both deny it, but Brendan just laughs, raises his hand high, and goes “I have it!” with a huge smile on his face. Oh Brendan. I spent a lot of time watching Yul. You, sir, are no Yul.

If you volunteer, it takes the drama out of it, Brendan.

Time to vote. Coach votes for Brendan: “The ancient samurai used to say that if you want to win the war, you have to cut off the head of the dragon. You my friend, are the dragon, and I am the dragon slayer.” So, dragons are no problem, but midgets, they can be tricky. Got it.

Brendan votes for Coach, but we don’t hear what he says. Stephen says “This is my wizard lightning shooting you back home. Kapow!” which made me pretty sure that Coach was going to be packing his bags, because why would they show Coach calling him “the wizard” so many times, right?

Time to read the votes. Brendan chooses not to use the idol, which makes Tyson and Coach wink, which in turn made me excited to see their sad faces when Coach is inevitably voted out. The first vote is for Coach as is the second Coach (which has an X on it, as do several other votes, and I can’t figure out why), and then there are one, two, three for Brendan, which was my first hint that I was not going to be getting the outcome I wanted, because there should have been only two for Brendan. The next three are all for Sierra, and then I pray that there was some sort of mix up and we are about to see a three way tie, but no: the last vote is for Brendan, and he is out of there. Coach looks smugly satisfied as Brendan’s torch is snuffed, which is enough to make most viewers, including me want to cringe. I understand that Stephen and JT are smart for taking Coach and Tyson with them. It would have been extremely poetic to send Coach home right here, what with all the hubris going on, but this is ultimately the better move for Stephen and JT, because it eliminates a legitimate threat, instead of eliminating Coach, who is not a legitimate threat. Take the hateful people and win the money, yo. But my God, I hate that his dragonslayer BS is legitimized.

I know that lots of people (including me) are hoping for Coach to get voted out, but here’s the thing to remember: no matter what happens, he still has to be Coach. Like it or not, karma isn’t a concept that actually exists, except in this very real sense: no matter what happens, Coach has to get up every morning and be That Guy. His punishment for being such a douche all the time isn’t that he’s going to get voted out in a satisfying matter. In fact, he could very well win this whole thing. He could win the million dollars, and go home and be proud of himself, and we could hate the outcome of this season, but at the end, he’s still just going to be just a douche with a million dollars. And we can all rest easy knowing that, can’t we?

Comments (41)
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About Schoonie

Like most people in America, Schoonie watches entirely too much reality television. Unlike most people, Schoonie gets to share his opinions with the world, which is pretty rad. Currently living in Chicago, Schoonie's been with Tvgasm since 2006. He spends his free time writing Survivor fan fiction (Letters to Penthouse, all featuring Rupert!) , playing with his cover band, and playing with his other cover band. Also, this one time, Lisi fell.

41 Comments

1

Phlip

Posted April 21, 2009 at 12:53 am

I’m dreading the next episode. Coach will be full of self-smug BS, and Tyson will be bullying Sierra.

There’s also one thing that struck me as very odd: so JT and Stephen vote Brendan, sure. But why did Taj join in? That’s still something I want to know.
2

PottyMouth

Posted April 21, 2009 at 3:45 am

Great recap Schoonie!

I don’t have much time – I’ve been captured by giants who force me to sing arias every morning, while threatening to eat my ears. I’ve been able to wear through the golden dental floss they use to bind me, but had to stop and read your recap first!

I think Coach had a dream one night that combined The Last of the Mohicans, The Emerald Forest, and Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. And when he woke up, he knew it to be true. And as the chosen one, he has used this story to spread his message of hope: “No matter how bad things are, they can always get worse.” So uplifting, so inspiring. What a brave, brave man.

The line from Forgetting Sarah Marshall was priceless and dead-on. And I loved the Karate Kid reference!

Thanks for the laughs before a drudge of a day!

SWAK, PottyMouth
3

here4beer

Posted April 21, 2009 at 5:23 am

Sorry, I don’t have much time either, because Rod Blago just called me? And he wants me to represent him at his hearing. When we’re done he promised me a job as head of the Illinois state lottery and he said I can rig it so whoever I want wins. This is gonna be awesome! A documentary crew wanted to follow me in my new job but I told them NO WAY because it might compromise my identity.

But anyway, great recap!
4

channel dasher

Posted April 21, 2009 at 6:02 am

Schoonie:

Another great recap! Re-reading it, I was struck by something that eluded me in watching it.

When Coach said “the natives were talking about eating me” – how did he know? Is he suddenly conversant in indigenous tribal languages, especially isolated Amazonian tribes that apparently had little or no contact with the outside world?

Oh, wait, those language skills must have been passed down verbally by the Dali Lama when he taught Coach that ancient tibetan martial art.
5

nyc cookie

Posted April 21, 2009 at 6:57 am

I may be in the minority, but I LOVE coach! I was laughing so hard this episode, that tears were rolling down my face. This guy is gold. Loved the line “you can’t google it, it’s passed down verbally.” My husband and I can’t stop using it. Another good one–Brendan “None of us has done this before” Coach “I have”. Love this guy. I hope they keep Coach around a long time–he is hilarious!
6

jennaboa

Posted April 21, 2009 at 7:26 am

Ow, my sides hurt from holding in the laughing, Schoonie! Then episode was painful to begin with.

About Coach’s Escape From The Midget Amazon: I imagine the prospect of eating Coach’s asshole proved too much for the little guys, what with where to start and the distinct lack of HazMat gear in Peruvian rain forests making such an endeavor tricksy for even the most stalwart 4 ft tall arsehole-eating midget. Perhaps they found the idea of spelunking for Coach’s sphincter not to their taste. Even 4 ft tall Peruvian arse cannibals have standards, ya’ll.

Then again, I bet they weren’t arse cannibals at all. In fact, I bet what the “Indian” tribe was saying was something like:

Midget Warrior 1: “Guys, what do we do with this gigantic asshole now that we have him? He hasn’t shut up since he’s got here and his head is too high up to gag him.

Midget Warrior 2: “Let’s feed the asshole to a croc or shark.”

Midget Warrior 1 (morosely): “Not even a shark or crocodile would want to eat this asshole.”

Wise Midget Chief: “Not to worry all. I made sure Bob tied him up real loose so he can escape. Let’s play craps until the moron escapes and then see if he stumbles into the piranhas. 10-to-1 they get his arsehole first.”

And then the bets were on about what part of Coach the fish would eat first (piranha are notoriously less picky then sharks/alligators/cannibal midgets about eating assholes).

Of course Coach with his tremendous foreign language skills was only able to understand “eat” and “asshole” and ASSumed to was about his ass because that’s what asses like him do: assume it is all about them. Awesome.

Sad to see Brendan go, but not really. Must be nice to say, “I’m tired of hanging around all these idiots. Now that I’m part of the jury, I think I’ll go hang out in a mosquito-free hotel until the final jury and then cause a little havoc.” Pssh.
7

jennaboa

Posted April 21, 2009 at 7:30 am

P.S.: “A big wooden head is what you have here; look in the gap you’ll find in the rear.”

Hah. Even the writers are after Coach’s asshole.
8

cattyfan

Posted April 21, 2009 at 8:22 am

here4beer…when Blago called, did he mention he had been cast in NBC’s “I’m a celebrity…get me out of her”? Yeah…it would have been good, but Blago already sold his spot. To Coach’s asshole.

Anyway…great recap! Except I still loathe Coach and Tyson. Who told them bullying and abusing a young woman was a good thing? Poor Sierra (and I used to not like her.) I actually can’t stand watching Coach anymore. He should be institutionalized, he’s so delusional. but sadly, after this show, I’m sure he’ll have a healthy and lucrative 15 minutes…because, yes…there are people stupid enough to swallow his idiocy.
9

Timberwolf

Posted April 21, 2009 at 8:24 am

Schoon: as usual… wicked awesome. The part about the hurricane being after Coach’s asshole…oh, my sides!

Jennaboa: excellent pontification on Coach. He IS comedy gold! I think we’ve all known some self-deluded person like him. It’s just really awkward when there’s one on national TV trying to shovel this BS into the collective mouths of the nation.

I kinda liked Brendan. He seemed to have no guile in him (let’s bring back the word “guile” into today’s lexicon!). I was pretty disappointed when Coach didn’t get voted out, not so much because I want to see Coach leave, but more so because the editors played up the god-complexes of coach and Tyson sooooo much, that it would have been haha-funny.
10

LisaMay

Posted April 21, 2009 at 8:44 am

I usually don’t watch the challenges but I think I remember someone always pointing out in the comments that Coach never does anything at the challenges. So I watched this time and what do you know– again Coach does nothing at the challenge.
11

itchy

Posted April 21, 2009 at 9:05 am

I kind of got caught up in rooting for Brendan (even though he’s a sucky player, made tons of stupid mistakes). But as it came down to it I found myself not wanting Coach to go just yet.

Because he’s a clown, that’s why. And so far he’s been fueling the interest of this season.

Even though…well, the focus on Coach has made this a far different Survivor from other seasons–and not in a good way. The show’s starting to resemble a sitcom , “That Darn Coach,” not Survivor.

Which is why we have no idea why everyone hated/feared Brendan. And why they all seem to hate Sierra so much. And also why the challenges are all so ho-hum to watch too.

Still, the surest bet to win seems to be to bring Coach to the final two –which is possibly what he’s playing for? Maybe he’s playing everyone for suckers? Wouldn’t that be awesome?

Although I mentioned before that I knew a conductor and he lived just as far up inside his own asshole as Coach seems to.

I really hope Sierra can figure out how to stay — and hopefully kick Tyson in the nuts in the process. That guy’s getting really annoying. Even more than Coach.
12

nerrawllehctim

Posted April 21, 2009 at 9:14 am

Wait, Schoonie. Are you saying that Coach to become the next Evel Douche? Excuse me, Evel Dick? If so, this could be worse than Big Brother 8.
13

Clair

Posted April 21, 2009 at 9:42 am

What happened to:

CONTEST IN THE COMMENTS! Name me something that is more interesting than Joe, and be funny. The winning entry gets published in next week;s recap.

??
14

pixi-stix

Posted April 21, 2009 at 9:45 am

I can’t stand Coach, and that episode just turned my stomach. Anyone that lies about having cancer is a vile shit stain of a human being.

And I don’t even know if I can sit through this week’s one. Seeing Tyson act so horrible to Sierra for no reason just because he can…I don’t know. It just comes off worse than any other reality show asshole I’ve seen, and I’ve seen a lot of shows lol.

I hope those two go down in flames. I also hope the rest of the tribe gets disgusted by Tyson talking to Sierra that way and turns on them. That might be the only reason why I’ll watch it.
15

chibby

Posted April 21, 2009 at 10:26 am

I’m so glad Coach didn’t get eliminated. I was hoping he would but really come on… this season would be less entertaining when he goes.
About Sierra.. I’ve been somewhat rooting for her but maybe she’s getting a good edit since Jeff Probst has been hinting at her marrying a producer of the show after filming was done.
16

soapboxx

Posted April 21, 2009 at 10:55 am

We will never be rid of Coach. His future in commercials is a given. He will appear in Massengale disposable douche commercials ala Fabio, all pony-tailed down wind from a middle-aged Lifetime b-actress reject commenting on the “freshness” of her being. He will also become the poster boy for Preparation-H complete with an Amazon montage of sweet cream relief after fighting off arsehole eating midgets.
17

LNNC92

Posted April 21, 2009 at 12:59 pm

Schoonie, Jeff Probst said that same thing about Coach and the Renaissance fairs in his blog, but it’s gotta be true…and also he had a part in there about how Coach’s tattoos seem new b/c the ink isn’t at all faded and that he probably got the tattoos before he came on Survivor, which also would be hilarious. Oh Coach…I hate you but your stories get more & more ridiculous and it’s awesome. I think my favorites were the “I have” from the challenge and his reference that “you can’t google it”…he must have a word limit that he has to hit each day because he is always talking! I don’t get the Sierra & Brendan hate either.

And Jennaboa your candiru fish comment from last week had me LOL’ing for a while!
18

itchy

Posted April 21, 2009 at 1:22 pm

Not to mention that you CAN google Chongg Ran — it’s from a fantasy novel, obviously.

I’m really hoping Coach is going to give us a big ‘gotcha’ moment.
19

Nemesiis

Posted April 21, 2009 at 1:36 pm

Excellent recap as usual Schoonie =)
20

schoonie

Posted April 21, 2009 at 1:51 pm

Yeah, so I forgot all about the results of that contest! Thanks for pointing that out, Clair. I’ll throw it in next week.

LNNC92: I don’t read the Probst blogs because he makes my sinus cavities shrivel up, but the fact that I wrote something that he also thought up will give me nightmares.

To the rest of you: I don’t think I’ve ever laughed this hard at the comment section of my recaps, including last week. Bravo, to all of you!

And did you guys see that Julie Chen is pregnant? I cannot wait to make lots of robo-baby jokes.
21

indychick

Posted April 21, 2009 at 2:18 pm

pixi-stix i agree with you and i think i have figured out a way to solve my problem – i will be dvring suvivor and ff till the end to see if either of the evil duo is voted off. ofcourse i will always read shoonies recaps but life is way to short to invite those two p.o.s’s in to my living room each week.
22

tv freak

Posted April 21, 2009 at 2:37 pm

pixi-stix, when did coach say he has cancer? as if he couldn’t get any worse…

Can’t wait til Coach gets his…either when he’s voted out, or when he makes F2 and the jury rips him to shreds
23

Anonymous

Posted April 21, 2009 at 2:45 pm

The Great Pumpkin comment had me rolling.
24

leslie_pcc

Posted April 21, 2009 at 3:37 pm

This is straight from the CBS website:

“If Benjamin was asked to wear just one hat, it would be that of “Renaissance Man.” Aside from setting the world record for the longest solo kayak expedition on the ocean (an amazing 6,132 miles), Wade has also been attacked by a tiger shark, stalked by a jaguar in the Amazon and has been bitten by a piranha on his right hand. To say that he is a Type A, Alpha male, who likes to control the environment around him may just be an understatement. Coach’s dominant personality will be a force to be reckoned with in the game”.

You know he told the producers this load of crap to get on the show and they knew he would be a giant douche once he made it on. They are sooo loving this right now. It’s also hillarious that Coach himself considers himself to be a “Renaissance Man”.
25

Clair

Posted April 21, 2009 at 3:47 pm

I like these quotes from news-leader .com

“I’m going to be the next big thing on the big screen,” Wade said in a phone interview.

and

He said he hopes to be on an all-star series of “Survivor” and that he’d like to host his own TV program, “The Coach Wade Show.”
26

schoonie

Posted April 21, 2009 at 3:50 pm

Oh, if there’s an all-star season, he’ll be there. He won’t last long, but he’ll be there.
27

jennaboa

Posted April 21, 2009 at 5:03 pm

leslie_pcc: “Yada, yada, yada, … [Coach]has been bitten by a piranha on his right hand.”

See, told ya piranhas aren’t as picky as sharks.

From that same blurb: “Benjamin Wade is known by many names. As the head women’s soccer coach at the Southwest Baptist University in Missouri, he is called ‘Coach Wade,’ but he also goes by ‘Maestro’ due to role as an artistic director and conductor of a California symphony orchestra. A skilled musician, Benjamin was traveling the world playing the trumpet before most kids could even spell ‘trumpet.’”

Heh. I doubt Coach can spell ‘trumpet.’
28

itchy

Posted April 21, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Oh, you’d be wrong, jennaboa.

Because Coach invented the trumpet.
29

slutty_whore

Posted April 21, 2009 at 7:38 pm

Honestly, now that both alliances seem to want to target one another, it seems like someone like Erinn can glide in and win the game. I’d rather see someone with no discernible alliance (Joe doesn’t count!) and point out to the jury that you can win the game of Survivor without an actual alliance and not be a coattail rider. In my fantasy, this might start a new trend in the game and might remove Hatch’s shit stain of needing an alliance to carry you to the end.

In the end, Brendan dug his own grave by not speaking to Taj post-merge. Had he done so, Taj would have let Stephen know, who would have let J.T. know. Ultimately, I see Stephen turning on Taj in favor of J.T. Tyson and Coach will fall, since only the Jalapao HII will now be in play.
30

pixielated

Posted April 21, 2009 at 9:17 pm

Slutty, I’m sure you’re right about Stephen turning on Taj and siding with JT. Guys always team up with guys, It’s some misogynistic thing they’ve got going.

I think Coach is so silly and assy that he is beyond being a target, a villain, or even evil. Tyson is really icky and seems to have some woman-hate going on–I don’t think he gets much, if any. (Actually, Coach probably doesn’t either, but he only wants to have sex with himself, so it’s all good to him.)

Tyson is the biggest threat–the first time he loses an immunity challenge, they have to get rid of him.

Why is Debbie in Coach’s circle and not Brendan? 1) She buys Coach’s BS (for the most part), 2) She has a big chest.

Brendan was a bad player and I didn’t like his “I’m above all this, so I am going to win it for JT.” Why, is JT incapable of winning it for himself? (I don’t think so; he is probably the most liked player in the game.) And secondly, why not win the money and give it to the poor?
31

itchy

Posted April 21, 2009 at 11:12 pm

I’m going to give Stephen the benefit of the doubt and think there’s there’s no women-hate going on there — it’s more that, for one, he’s sincerely bonded with JT and is in heterosexual man-love (which happens more often than you think), and for two…that he recognizes that Taj is a shitty player and will soon become a liability.

Besides, he needs to get rid of her before she demands to have the idol back.

I would have respected Brendan playing for JT to win — since he doesn’t need the coin (at least, for the moment–we’ll see if how his burrito venture pans out…), it would have added a subversive element to the game. But that attitude is probably what got him kicked off so quickly.
32

briar

Posted April 22, 2009 at 2:08 am

Wow…31 comments already. Wonder if anyone will read mine at this point?

Well, once again Coach sucks at the immunity challenge although he did manage to do ok in the reward challenge. Of course that’s because according to him he’s participated in tile breaking challenges before, so, there ya go.

As much as I truly hate coach (tried to change my screen name to ihatecoach but couldn’t figure out how) and hate to see people like him get reinforcement for their sphincter-like behavior, it’s idiots like him and Tyson that make these shows interesting.

The only problem is that while most of America realizes what tools these guys are, they never seem to see it themselves.

I think Schoonie’s theory of “the best revenge is letting them live” makes the most sense for me.

Thanks for another great recap, Schoonie.
33

Mr Dangerous

Posted April 22, 2009 at 8:01 am

Uh, that whole section on assholes was SO FUNNY. I was laughing so much. I know you don’t want to hear this Schoonie but Coach helps YOUR game. He makes you a better writer.

Oh, and I don’t want anybody to think I like coach. He’s an idiot but I do enjoy watching him. Coach must have the smallest penis on earth ’cause why else would he so desperately want to impress everyone?

Coach will have as much success in Hollywood as Sugar.
34

pixi-stix

Posted April 22, 2009 at 9:37 am

tv freak: If you go to Reality Blurred and look under Survivor there are two entries about how Coach got out of work for it. He made is sound like an emergency and testing, I thought he straight up said cancer, but I think he just made it seem that way. Either way it was bad and they fired him when the show aired.

I don’t get his saying he wasn’t allowed to tell them…I though you could tell people you were going on the show, just not the outcome.

A quote from him on what happened (this was after he got back and was fired): ˜I’ve got to leave; you know I would not leave if it weren’t an emergency. I can’t get out of this and I have to go do it. I can’t give you the details.’ Then they jumped to conclusions that it was tied into what I went through with my brain tumor.”

Uh huh….
35

schoonie

Posted April 22, 2009 at 1:02 pm

Mr. Dangerous: Well, it is a lot easier to make fun of a bunch of easy targets than it is to mock the nice people. It’s not so much that he makes me a better writer as he makes my job so, SO easy.
36

skanky

Posted April 22, 2009 at 1:51 pm

I loved how the producers showed the pained expressions on Coach’s face as his team was losing during the reward challenge. He must have REALLY wanted to go on the white water rafting trip which was surprising since he’s already gone like 7 gazillion miles in a kayak.

Also, every time I see Coach running his hands through his hair I get the feeling that he’s happy that it is finally reaching a level of greasiness that it’s impossible to attain in a civilized society.
37

knackered

Posted April 23, 2009 at 1:27 pm

I hope someone more clever than me.. makes up a “Coach List” like the ones for Chuck Norris.. please someone .. make it happen!!
38

Clair

Posted April 23, 2009 at 1:51 pm

I had to look up the infamous Chuck Norris list – OMG, too furking funny.

thechucknorrisfacts .com
39

schoonie

Posted April 23, 2009 at 3:33 pm

All you have to do is substitute the word “Coach” for the words “Chuck Norris” and…voila.
40

Clair

Posted April 23, 2009 at 4:25 pm

Not even! The Chuck Norris list is written by people who LIKE him.
41

cattyfan

Posted April 24, 2009 at 8:47 am

And even Chuck Norris’s old dirty shoelaces are cooler than Coach.

Survivor: Opinions Are Like…Wait, How Does The Rest Go?

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Survivor: Opinions Are Like…Wait, How Does The Rest Go?

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