Survivor: Pay No Attention To The Giant Who Is Currently Gnawing On Your Leg

This week on Survivor, Probst falls in man-love with James. Also, James eats enough to feed the current population of Sierra Leone for approximately three months. Did I mention that James is still on the show, even though he should have been voted out like three weeks ago? Because he is. And he’s eating everything. Hide your fruit snacks, people!The morning after the Jean-Robert Tribal Council. You can always tell which votes were mandates because there’s no night vision fighting immediately afterwards. If I can’t watch hungry people heckle each other while looking creepily like the raccoons that rifle through my trash can, why even watch this show? I guess you could watch it for the strategy, but…look at these people.

James tells us YET AGAIN about what a good position he’s in, and how now he sort of has the luxury of being rude to whomever he wants, because he’s making the final five irrespective. You know what? He’s totally right! It’s not like the people he dislikes need to vote for him to win the money at the end or anything. Oh, wait.

So, to celebrate his newfound ability to be an even bigger jackass than he was already being, he strolls over to the shelter where everyone else is sleeping and composes a loud, off-key song that consists mostly of “good mornings”. He’s essentially Evel Dicking all of them. Be careful, James, this show isn’t fixed! You can’t just do whatever you want and win anyway. The song, it is horrid to listen to. I have had just about enough of the random singing on reality shows. James, have you met Ronald? You guys would get along great.

Everyone wakes up and looks at him like “Thanks…douche.” You can tell that they’re all kind of scared of him, which is completely ridiculous, and also explains a whole lot. Apparently the list of people that James doesn’t like and can now afford to be rude to includes everybody.

Denise worries about last night’s vote, because she was not privy to the fact that everyone was going to be voting for Jean-Robert. She feels doomed, because she thinks she’ll be left in the dust if she switches sides and first out if she doesn’t. Denise tells us that she feels like she can’t trust her own allies. Hm, I wonder what she could do about that? It’s not like there are enough people around to orchestrate a coup or anything. Oh, WAIT.

She talks to James about last night’s vote and her feelings and whatnot, and James feeds her a line of bullshit about it, which she promptly buys. See, I don’t think you’re allowed to wear a mullet like that and be this insecure. What is going on with this chick? It’s like, you can be a delicate flower with tiny feelings, or you can have a mullet. You can’t do both. A mullet is your hair’s way of telling the world “I don’t give a shit what you think about me”, so you probably shouldn’t be whining about how all alone you are. After all, your hair is your head suit.

Later, James cooks food while Peih-Gee looms, offering “helpful” suggestions which are not at all helpful and are instead really annoying. Wait, haven’t I dated her before? I think I may have. Todd tells us how Peih-Gee is taking Jean-Robert’s place as The Annoying One, and while her tendency to be a little pushy can’t be endearing her to them, I think this is a case where people are bonding over a common enemy and everything is getting overblown.

Todd also talks about how Courtney and Frosti are getting a little too close for this comfort, which is worrisome to him. This occurs over a show of Courtney running her hand through his hair. Look how close they are! If he doesn’t hurry up and vote one of them out, she might start rubbing his back, and that will proceed to heavy petting, and pretty soon the gays will be getting married! The world will go to hell, I tell you!

And even though I actually sort of dig Courtney now, considering that she’s gotten off a few great lines over the past few weeks, but with Amanda there, I don’t see how you can’t try and go after her. What is Courtney, funny or something?

Reward Challenge. Today the castaways will be divided into groups of four, and they’ll all receive drums, off of which they will have to bounce a ball without letting it touch the ground. They’ll have to navigate around various obstacles, which means that the ball will have to be passed back and forth. Once a team gets three balls into the pot at the end of the course, they’ll win reward, which is a cruise down the Lee River with alcohol and food. Another pick ‘em puts Peih-Gee, James, Todd and Denise on one team and Frosti, Amanda, Erik and Courtney on the other.

Frosti’s team gets off to a really quick start, and Peih-Gee’s team never really catches up. This is mostly due to James, who shows no hustle, repeatedly hits the ball to hard and knocks it off the course, and visibly gives up about halfway through the competition. Keep this in mind during Tribal Council later.

So, Frosti’s team wins and they will be enjoying the reward. If there is a clue about the immunity idol, they do not show us anything about it, not that the point isn’t moot now.

Back at camp, the winners of the challenge have left and Peih-Gee stews over the loss. She tells us about how she’s the only one who hasn’t had a reward yet, and how she’s probably taking it out on James as a result. The “but whatever, he’s an asshole, so I don’t care” part is left off of the end of the sentence, but you can hear it if you listen real hard.

She continues to fume in front of the shelter while James pretends to ignore her. “After that performance, James, you should never talk to me about giving up at challenges ever again. I can’t believe you.” she tells him, disgusted. She berates him for another thirty seconds or so, and by the face he’s making you can tell that he’s scanning his brain for a comeback, to no avail. He finally just yells at her to shut up, telling her “You have some nerve, for a loser! That’s why you lose, you’re quick to blame.” He looks pleased with himself as he finishes. That statement would make sense, if James weren’t actually at fault here. Also: good one, James. I also bet that your dad could beat up her dad!

James clearly now believes that he has now gotten the best of Peih-Gee, who continues to berate him, mostly because she actually has a point. He finally resorts to interrupting her and cutting her off repeatedly, which is not only rude, but a tactic that people use when they know that the other person is the correct one and that they have no other defense but still want to win. Seriously, who under the age of 12 still argues like this? What an asshole. She finally stops and walks away to go cool off, knowing that there’s no point arguing with someone who’s essentially going “I know you are, but what am I?”

James, indignant in his “victory”, tells her “Every time you come at me with something, I’m gonna make you look stupid, just like I just did.” Yeah, you “just did” make somebody look stupid, but it wasn’t Peih-Gee. Wow, what a moron.

Over at the reward, things are uneventful because everyone seems to be getting along. Talk turns to trash talking Peih-Gee, as Erik tells us that while he’s still allied with her, it doesn’t exactly mean that he can’t exploit the ill will that everyone feels to his advantage. Frosti and Courtney flirt some more, and Frosti tells us that he is really attracted to Courtney and she likes him even though she’s “out of his league”. Does he mean, like, flag football? Because that’s the only way that statement makes any sense. He also expresses concern about Erik because the other girls seem to like him so much. As an example, Erik makes goat noises while the girls laugh, although you just know that Amanda is thinking “Yes, bleat, my tiny friend. I will soon sacrifice you to the god of money and collect my inevitable payday.” She’s awesome in her ruthlessness.

The reward winners return to camp, lying about the food they ate because they don’t want the others to get jealous (they got fried chicken and mashed potatoes, not Chinese food). Then Todd’s like “Oh my God, you guys!” and then totally exaggerates the extent of the Peih-Gee/James debacle. Seriously, the story includes pistols at dawn and the Confederate Army and also possibly blankets that have been poisoned with smallpox.

Over at the shelter, James tells Denise what a badass he is for telling Peih-Gee how much he sucks, and how he totally faced her. Good stories, guys! At least you’re all on the same completely untrue page. This is, like, the James Frey version of what happened.

Todd tells them all how horrible it was to be stuck with people that he doesn’t like. I’ll admit that I would have preferred to hang out with the people on the boat rather than the people back at camp, but I have a feeling that I would probably really like Peih-Gee, and possibly also Denise. The majority of people left are actually quite tolerable, although I’m not really rooting for any one person at this point. Am I the only one who doesn’t feel any particular affection for any of these people? Courtney and Amanda are growing on me, but that’s about it. It’s obvious that the show really, really wants us to root for James, but as you can see, I am not drinking that particular Kool-Aid. That’s why I think this season is kind of meh. It’s not terrible, it’s just…whatever.

Immunity Challenge Today it’s basically a memory game. Jeff calls out some Chinese Zodiac symbols, and the castaways take a knife and get all stabby on said animal cards in the correct order. I doesn’t seem difficult until you realize that the symbols on one side of the card are different from the other, plus the castaways may or may not have to go in backwards order to get them to align on the knife correctly. It’s tough to tell from what they show of the challenge, but there appears to be some extra stuff going on here.

But, there’s more! Jeff unveils some huge plates of food, including a pyramid of hamburgers and piles of French fries. It looks really tasty to me, and I’m not even starving, so I can only imagine what these people are going through. Jeff tells the castaways that they can opt not to participate in the challenge and eat the food if they’d like. He gives them each a coin so that they can make the decision individually.

Amanda, Frosti, Erik, and Peih-Gee elect to participate, and Denise, James, Courtney and Todd choose to eat. This is, of course, not very smart, because even if you don’t need immunity for yourself you need to keep the person you want out from getting it.

So, Jeff begins the challenge. Erik is almost immediately knocked out during the very first round. A cunning move designed to make him look less threatening and keep him around, I’m sure. Get the goat a tin can to gnaw on!

Amanda knocks herself out next, leaving only Peih-Gee and Frosti. I find myself rooting for Peih-Gee here, because 1)She is anti-James, which is good, 2)She’s the only person in the minority that’s actually made any attempt to strategize whatsoever, and 3) I figured it would mean that Erik would go home, meaning Frosti would get to stay, because I like him too. But Frosti eventually messes up and Peih-Gee wins the immunity necklace. Jeff instructs the eaters to cease, telling them that they can finish what’s in their mouths. Courtney (whose cheeks are puffing out she has so much food in them) is like “What, fools!” pointing to her face with both hands. Ha! She is secretly awesome, I’m telling you.

Back at camp, the people are discussing whether to get rid of Erik or Frosti. Todd tells us that tonight’s vote is “killing” him, because if Erik makes it to the end, he’s virtually guaranteed the million dollars. Apparently this line of thinking does not extend to James who should be voted out, RIGHT NOW.

The group is also concerned about the Courtney/Frosti pairing, even though the same thing could essentially be said about Todd and Amanda or Denise and James. I think Courtney might not be too high up on the alliance totem, here. They want to vote out Frosti, but are concerned that Courtney will not do it. “Well, if she won’t, maybe we’ll just have to turn around and vote her out.” Todd says, bitchily. After all the comments he’s made about voting people out, if I’m anyone but Amanda I’m gunning for his ass.

Over with Courtney, Todd is like “James and Denise (?) are concerned that you won’t vote out Frosti.” Courtney is like “Why, because he’s kind of…my Survivor Boyfriend?” Haha. Wow, Frosti is so not getting any.

Tribal Council! Probst, lost in complete Ozzy-love with James, tells him that he’s really, really surprised that a big, strong, super-awesome guy like James would choose to sit out the challenge. Also, can Jeff have your autograph? And a strand of hair for his James collection? Thanks a bunch. James is like “What? I was hungry!” and then he tells us that he ate SEVEN out of a possible twelve burgers. I’m sorry, but when there are three other (starving) people there, and you eat not only your share, but twice your share, without even considering that other people might want a little bit more? You, sir, are a huge asshole. That is some Eric Cartman shit, right there. I don’t care how much larger you are, that makes you a terrible person. Real talk.

When Jeff brings back the votes, Frosti gets every one but his own, and he is done. Sad for him, he was awesome. But also, he kind of deserved it for following the majority alliance when he knew that he was on the back-end. He played for this spot, and he got it, just like everyone who is not James is currently doing. Sigh.

Next week is a recap, and recapping a recap would cause me to fall into an alternate dimension, so I’ll see you guys in two weeks. Enjoy your turkey! Eat fast, you never know when James might barge through your front door and wolf down the whole spread.