Tonight, on Survivor: God is like “Yeah, this season sucks and I want nothing to do with any of you. If you need me, I’ll just be off SOLVING REAL PROBLEMS. JERKS.”On Night 33 at Aiga, Brett is massaging Shambo’s mullet. Yes, you read that right: he has his hands all up in her big, scary hair. She’s moaning and cursing like she does in all those dreams she has where she’s being served dinner by Lita Ford. People: he’s touching! Her! Hair! He really, really wants to win.
It’s just like Ghost, but with a mullet instead of pottery.
My friend who hasn’t been watching this season was with me for this episode, and she had the following question: “How does she keep her mullet so feathered after being in the jungle for a month?” It is a mystery on par with the Lost City of Atlantis.
Obviously, Russell really wants Brett to go next, telling us that when he loses an immunity challenge, he’s pretty much done. As Russell discusses Brett, he is busy quoting entire pages of Bible verse to Natalie, who is either really bored or really interested in what he has to say. It’s kind of tough to tell with how her face is and all.
“Brett is an absolute sweetheart,” Natalie says. In southern female vernacular, “sweetheart” is code for “He’s nice and all, but I have no problem getting rid of him”. “We’ve talked about the Bible, and some other Christian books,” she says. What other Christian books? I know there’s like The Secret and Five People You Meet In Heaven and whatnot, but I’m hoping we aren’t veering into creepy Promise Keeper territory.
Shambo and Russell stand around the fire, and Shambo abruptly looks up at him and goes “I have to go wet my head down; I mean, LOOK at my hair. Man, I need a haircut!” Russell starts laughing, because: welcome to the “Your hair is weird and gross” party, Shambo. You’re about a month late.
She looks shockingly like a Labrador here.
“She should shave that whoooooole head,” Russell says, laughing. “I think she sneaks food in her hair. She puts bananas in there, peanuts,” he says, cracking himself up. Is that the best you can come up with, given the material, Russell? I’m a bit disappointed.
“If I didn’t need Shambo, I would definitely get rid of her, just so I didn’t have to look at her hair.” Hey, Russell? There are six people left, and five of them are on your team. You don’t need her.
Reward Challenge. The tribe will be split into two teams of three; there are a bunch of coconuts suspended in the air by a system of intertwining ropes, and each team will take turns pulling a rope out. The goal is to keep any coconuts from falling down. The first team to drop a hundred coconuts loses the reward, which is an overnight stay at a Samoan village with a feast and blankets and pillows. I have a question: where are their families? I really, really need to meet the people responsible for Russell and Shambo.
The castaways draw to be captains, and Russell and Natalie win. Natalie gets to pick first, and she chooses Brett, surprisingly. Russell takes Jaison, and Mick and Shambo round out the teams, respectively. A few rounds go by and Natalie’s team is way up with 3 coconuts to the other team’s 19. During Shambo’s turn, Probst finally asks her about her hair, which she calls “Shambolicious”, in case you need more reasons to be annoyed by her. “How long have you had that hair?” Probst asks. “Since 1986,” Shambo says. Does this surprise anyone? Shambo’s hair is only three years older than me. Ponder that shit for a minute.
During Shambo’s turn, Natalie turns to Brett. “You’re a prayer warrior aren’t you?” she says. “Let’s pray for a victory.” They start to chant something or other, and the goodwill I had for Natalie goes right out the window. How many times do I have to say this? God does not care about Survivor. You can ask him for strength or whatever, but asking him to actively thwart other people is a dick move. He has bigger things to take care of.
The whole thing turns into a pray-off when Shambo begins to pray for victory as well. WHO WILL JESUS CHOOSE? When Mick takes his turn, 19 coconuts drop, and she’s all “You rock, God!” Natalie tells Mick not to worry about his turn, because he has two prayer warriors on his team. OH, well everything’s going to be just dandy, then!
Jaison takes his turn, and the coconuts fall for about 30 seconds straight. Props to the editors for showing one long, sustained, hilarious shot of coconuts just dropping, because that? Was pretty hilarious. (My friend: “This game is racist.”)
It’s Natalie’s turn, and Shambo turns to Russell and says “My prediction is 58″. And guess what? Natalie goes, and exactly 58 coconuts drop. She’s all “Oh maaaaaaa word…” for like hours. God is trying to tell you something, Natalie. Don’t pray unless you have some serious shit going on, kay?
Romans 5:12 – Let she who useth God for personal gain be smited by cocunuts.
Russell takes his turn, and no coconuts drop. Shambo has her hands over her mouth here, and it looks like she’s wearing a wedding ring, which opens up a host of new questions. I just kind of imagined her living with a bunch of animals, I guess.
See the ring? I am curious.
On the next turn, Brett drops a lot of coconuts, and since they went last, the prayer warriors lose. Jaison and Russell both voice concern about Natalie choosing Brett first, clearly a little paranoid about the endgame.
At this point, my friend says: “The Jesus freak chick is terrible, and I like the mullet chick.” This episode’s editing is kind of weird, in that I’m kind of digging Shambo here and not digging Natalie. Just something to think about, is all.
After the commercial we’re at the Samoan village, where an entire pig is being roasted for Shambo, Russ and Jaison. Jaison is his typical sunny self, talking about how everything has been completely terrible, up until this point. Shambo does a very impressive and gracious thing, toasting the entire village in a very tasteful manner. “This reward superceded my expectations,” Shambo said, in yet another masterful display of the English language typical of the cast this season.
I am also a big toast squatter. It’s just classy, you know?
The villagers start playing some sort of indigenous instrument (I believe they’re called “guitars”? Is that right?) as Jaison proclaims that it’s time to “get jiggy with it”. Yes, he really says it.
“Informer, I lick your boom boom down…”
Back at camp, Brett suggests that they create a reward of their own by gathering snails, or something. It’s stupid. Brett, Natalie and Mick agree to this plan and put their hands together in that misleading gesture we all saw in the previews last week. Brett, Natalie, Mick and Mick’s ass crack wander around the beach, collecting snails and talking about the upcoming vote. Natalie says that while she’s been with Russell since Day One, it’s really difficult to balance “your heart and your head”, which I take to mean that it will be difficult to get rid of Brett. Prayer warriors have to stick together, you know, just like God Warriors.
Back at the reward, they’ve all gotten kind of drunk. They begin to question why Natalie chose Brett, and Russ tells them that he’s going to have to have a talk with Natalie when they get back to camp. They decide to get rid of Mick if Brett wins immunity, though this could very well be a ruse since Shambo’s there listening in and he’s the only other real candidate.
The next day everyone’s back together at camp. Russell tries to bring Natalie back into the fold, telling her that everyone freaked out when she picked Brett first at the reward challenge. She’s pretty adamant about telling him he has nothing to worry about. He tells her that the plan is to get rid of Brett, but that Mick is the second choice. Russell is all cocky about beating Brett. “He’s not faster than me, he’s not stronger than me. He’s a little punk, he’s 110 pounds.” Yes, because you’ve won…exactly zero challenges. Russell would tell us that he’s undefeated.
Immunity. There are a variety of objects in a clearing about 50 feet away from the starting line. The idea is to run out, count the objects, and bring the numbers back to the beginning, where they will be used to unlock and combination lock. Once the challenge starts, the strategies are different: some people count one or two things and run back, others (like Brett) stay out until they’ve memorized all the numbers. Mick and Jaison get all their numbers first, but Brett is able to get his lock open first, winning immunity for the second time in a row.
“Let’s see, 1,2,3…oh nevermind, I’ll just let Jesus count for me.”
During the commercial, they begin the voting for the viewer prize during the reunion. Who the hell is going to win THAT this year? There’s no real clear cut favorite, so it could be anybody. I’m going to guess that Brett’s probably got the best shot, but we’ll see.
Back at camp, Mick’s ass crack is sad that Brett won immunity. Jaison pulls Russell aside and tells him that he’d rather get rid of Shambo, because they need Mick to try and beat Brett. As they discuss this, Shambo walks up and Jaison runs away, hilariously. Shambo is suspicious immediately, and Russell is all “We were just talking about how we need to get rid of Mick,” he says, covering pretty quickly. “He just told me that we’re getting rid of Mick, and he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.” Ha!
“I know who shot JFK, and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Russell tells Mick that he wants to get rid of Shambo. He’s laying it on pretty thick, though: “Her breath stinks, and she talks to you like three inches from your face.” Mick picks up on this. “This is the first time I’ve ever heard you talk about her like this,” he says suspiciously, knowing he’s probably being worked over.
“If I keep Shambo around, she won’t put my name down, she can’t win any challenges, and she won’t get any votes at the end,” he says. “The only reason to keep Mick around is to get rid of Brett.” Also because his butt crack gets a vote too, making him worth two normal people.
Russell will also be wearing the immunity necklace to Tribal Council tonight; it is the last night he can use it. When they arrive, Probst points out that there are no real Galus to vote for, since Brett is immune and Shambo is essentially a member of Foa Foa. Shambo is all “Yeah, I’m a traitor,” she says, laughing at the douchebag Galus on the jury. Natalie points out that this is actually a reason to keep Shambo, since she won’t get any votes. Also because she’s a lot of fun to have around, you know? She’s just one of those people that’s fun to hang out with. Can’t you tell?
Jaison notes that Brett is the biggest threat since he’s stayed loyal the entire time. When Probst asks Brett what he’s strategy is, he’s like “Well, to win immunity, dummy.” Astute line of questioning there, Probst.
Time to vote! Shambo votes for Mick (with a smiley face, for some reason), and that’s the only one we see. Probst asks if anyone wants to play immunity, and Russell tells him, “I’m gonna keep it for a souvenir,” which really, really makes me wish they had thought to try and vote him out, because that would have been tasty indeed.
When the votes are read, there’s one for Shambo and one for Mick, and then the rest are for Shambo and she’s out. Kind of the wrong move by Russ (Mick made more sense, and why stop being cutthroat now, right?), but this is awesome because Shambo sucks.
Also, in Shambo’s “Survivor Family Moment” after her torch is extinguished, we see that it is very likely that her entire family is in possession of Rad Eighties Hair, because whoever it is, her sister or something, is rocking the hell out of a Tawny Kitaen style crimp and frizz. My kingdom for a screencap.
Sunday: the finale! Go…Russell? I guess? I really don’t give a shit this season, to be honest.