Survivor: Remember When Some of These People Were Cool?

Previously, on Survivor, Jonathan’s knee was about to fall off, so he left. But Chet had an ouchie on his heel! Wah! Vote him out, before he gets scurvy! Look how noble he is for not quitting!We begin over at Malakal, where Tracy would very much like to eat one of those chickens. Ozzy, however, has different ideas. He starts bitching about how chickens are “a renewable resource” because that’s the one thing he remembers from eighth grade biology. Tracy accuses Ozzy of wanting to wait until they get rid of more people so that he can eat more chicken, which is probably more than fifty percent correct. The remaining percentage is bitterness, but she’s probably mostly right. Tracy then tells us that “Ozzy will win if we don’t take him out of this game.” Yeah, that’s sort of…how the show works, there.

Over at Airai, the girls talk about what a terrible night they had with the rain, sort of commiserating with each other, as people sometimes do. James, of course, thinks they’re big wusses and can’t believe he’s stuck on a tribe. WITH GIRLS! And they’re talking! So unfair. James does tell them to just chill the eff out, because it is called Survivor (what the hell is with the remedial lessons tonight?) and Kathy stands there and crazies out all over the beach, as she does. She keeps asking people for hugs, and she tries to I Dream of Jeannie herself off the island, and I cannot figure out whether she is joking or not, because homey has lost her mind.

Back at Malakal, Erik has fallen in love with Ozzy. He and his Napoleon Dynamite voice talk about how Ozzy is totally awesome and can climb trees and this one time, he threw a football over those mountains, and Babe the Blue Ox was at his side and that’s how the Grand Canyon was formed. Cirie makes a comparison to The Lion King, which is pretty on-point, but The Lion King has forever been ruined for me by that awesome Soulja Boy mash-up video. This is a complete tangent, but I cannot tell you how awesome I think Soulja Boy is on this truly fatalist level. I mean, I love a bad pop song as much as the next guy, but it’s like music has become of those evolutionary charts where the monkey turns into the human, except backwards. Like, The Beatles are the human figure on one side, and then in between we have Disco and the Eighties (all of which I love, I am so not judging), and then it slowly devolves from there, and then the second to last step (the crazy Neanderthal that has just developed thumbs or whatever) is T-Pain, and then: Soulja Boy. So now we have “Yah Trick Yah”, which both rules and sucks at the same time on this truly legendary level, and it’s just like this inevitable thing. I don’t understand how it could happen, but I’m sure there will be something dumber, and I will hate myself for thinking that is awesome too.

But anyway, Erik is in love with Ozzy. Hey, can you tell this season sucks?

Ozzy then comes up with this plan to paddle out to the reef where he thinks there will be a lot of fish, and Cirie sort of agrees to go along reluctantly. As soon as they get out into the open, Cirie kind of loses her cool and gets all nervous and starts yelling at them. Ozzy tells her to chill out while he, Amanda and Erik relax and swim out in the open and she sits in the boat, pissed. On the one hand, Ozzy is being sort of a douche (as he’s been all season), but on the other hand, Cirie has been really full of herself this season, and why the hell did she go if she knew this was what was going to happen? Were Ami and Tracy busy doing something really, really important? I need more information. For now, they both sort of suck.

Reward Challenge! Both tribes will have four people blindfolded, rolling this big “money stone” (called that because it was used as currency in Micronesia, or because they want everything to sound as porny as possible) on an axle while one person gives directions and guides them through these small gates, causing them to smash open some stones that have puzzle pieces inside. When they get to the end they’ll work together to solve a puzzle; the first tribe to complete the puzzle wins a getaway at which they will be able to shower and cleanse themselves and eat a little bit.

The challenge begins and Cirie has become so self-centered that she is giving them directions with her left and right, not theirs, causing them to crash into things. Eliza, on the other hand, is being awesome as usual, guiding them over and through stuff. Jason keeps yelling stuff out and James does a really awesome thing when he tells Jason to STFU and let Eliza work her crazy challenge magic, as she has done all season. However, Cirie and Malakal end up winning the whole thing somehow, and I’ve watched it three times at this point and can’t figure out how. Maybe they were just moving faster? Anyway, they choose to send Jason back to Exile Island. They also have to send one of their own, and Ozzy just looks at Tracy like “Can you take one for the team?” which is such a dick move, for a multitude of reasons. One: she’s obviously the odd person out, so why the hell would she want to take one for the team? Two: way to let everyone know you have the idol, turd. If you didn’t have it yet, you’d have wanted to go back. I’m really starting to hope he gets taken out. I know it probably won’t happen, but I wish it would.

Malakal arrives at their reward and begin washing themselves. Ozzy tells us how happy he is to allow Erik to experience the reward, because he hasn’t gotten one yet. Wait, you “allowed” him to? Did he not play an equal part in that challenge? This kind of cockiness that he’s exhibiting here is not becoming. After everyone is done eating, they notice that there’s a makeshift shower set up for them, and Ozzy and Amanda decide that it’s time to shower. Ami joins them, and pretty soon everyone is taking off their top. Trust me when I say that it is the least sexy sequence ever. Like, that one time when Michael fell into the fire was hotter than this, and there was actual burning flesh involved.

Meanwhile, back at Airai, it is pouring. Has anyone ever noticed how it’s always sunny at Malakal and always raining at Airai? Why is that? Is Pigpen from Peanuts hiding out in the forest somewhere? Anyway, Kathy tells us how you watch the show at home and you think you can do it, but then you actually show up and it’s cold and terrible and you just want to die. Then she says that she misses her washing machine. Oh, and also her children.

She talks about how it really is sort of primeval to do this, and there are shots of people eating raw clam, including one where Eliza looks exactly like Mojo the Helper Monkey, except without the jaunty fez. Kathy whines about how this is the dumbest thing she’s ever done in her life. Hey, Kathy? It’s day 18. Why the hell would you quit then? Wait, why am I attributing logic and reason to Kathy?

In the morning, Kathy wanders out looking pathetic, just grasping at the air and looking for hugs. James gives her one, because he’s decided to be nice this episode, and she breaks down in front of all the girls. She starts telling them how hard everything is and whatever. Then she tells us in confessional that she tried, “But…I can’t feel my family.” And then she breaks down in tears. Um, Kathy? Attempting to forge a telepathic connection with someone on national television is not conducive to appearing normal. Just an FYI.

She talks to all the women, trying to get them to sympathize, but they’re faces are like “Um, yeah. Get the hell out.” Pretty soon, the boat shows up to pick her up and Jeff disembarks to do the deed. Boy, he’s been to camp a lot this season, what with all the QUITTERS. Jonathan’s knee is rolling in its grave right now.

She tells Jeff all about how she can’t feel her family. PS, whenever I’m frustrated with something, I’m just going to tell everyone how I can’t feel my family. It’s going to be awesome. Jeff doesn’t really try to get her to stay, he just sort of summarizes the situation, collects Kathy, and takes her off in a boat, like this is Lost and he is one of The Others.

And with that, Kathy’s gone. Show of hands, who gives a shit? Thought not.

Immunity Challenge! Today the teams will have to run down a floating water bridge carrying a hook. When they get to the end of the course, they hook the puzzle pieces that are waiting there and the remaining team members operate a big winch and pull the team member and the puzzle pieces back. This is repeated until everything has been collected, and then the two remaining team members will solve the puzzle. First to solve it? Wins immunity.

Go! Eliza runs out first for Airai and Ozzy for Malakal, and she keeps up alright until Ozzy helps push the pieces out into the water and Eliza sort of sits on them, causing Airai to fall behind. When the first set of pieces are brought in for Malakal, Ozzy just sort of runs back down the bridge again, because anyone can go at any point. This allows Malakal to gain a significant lead over Airai. Cirie and Amanda start to try to put the puzzle together and Airai sort of keeps plugging along, collecting pieces. Soon they have all theirs too, and soon Eliza starts working her crazy challenge magic, and she takes one look at Airai’s puzzle and BOOM! Airai gets the come from behind win.

Two things: this is the point at which I discovered that I’m actually rooting for Airai at this point. I am rooting for the team whose members include James and Parvati, instead of the team whose members include Cirie and Amanda. When did this happen? I hate myself. Also, if you think about it, Eliza has just shown that she is a more valuable member to have on your team than Ozzy. She seriously just negated all his brute strength in one fell swoop. I didn’t really like her in Vanuatu, but I have to say that I’m sort of loving her this year.

Back at Malakal, people begin deliberating about what to do, even though it’s fairly clearly going to be Tracy, which sucks because she’s like the only person whose done anything strategically relevant this season. The Favorites meet on the beach to decide who to send home, since they have a clear majority on this tribe, since no favorite has been voted out since Yau-Man in Week 3. They sort of debate over Erik or Tracy, with Ozzy lobbying to keep Erik because of their man-love. Meanwhile, Tracy grabs Erik and tells him that if he votes for Tracy with them, he’s probably next, so he’d better get in gear and give her a hand. Man, she pretty much rules, I must say. Meanwhile, Ami tells us that she feels like she can work more with Tracy than with Ozzy, and pretty soon she’s standing there with Tracy talking about how they should try to get Ozzy out. The plan is to tell Ozzy that they’re voting for Tracy, and then tell Amanda and Cirie they’ve voting for Erik so that their three becomes a majority, effectively getting rid of Ozzy. Ami is always trying to outsmart everyone and she’s missing the writing on the wall. Hey, that’s cool, but I have an easier plan: Ami, Erik, Tracy and Cirie all vote for Ozzy and get him the fudge out. Why be all complicated about it?

Ami is then over with Cirie and Amanda talking about getting rid of Erik, which I do not understand. Amanda tells us that if she “goes against Ozzy” than she can pretty much “kiss that relationship goodbye.” Wait, so if you don’t do what he wants, you’re afraid he won’t like you anymore? What happened to the cool Amanda from last season? She needs to come back, because there is no one good left to root for.

Tribal Council! Tracy immediately calls Ozzy the leader of their tribe. He looks around like “Who, me?” because he legitimately thinks that’s going to make a difference. Tracy then tells everyone that voting for her doesn’t even make any sense with them so close to the merge and Ozzy sitting right there. Everyone sort of tries not to think about that as they vote. For Tracy. Sigh. So many opportunities to get rid of Ozzy, wasted! Do you think this will come back to bite them in the ass?