Survivor Reunion: Crystal Is Actually A Gold Medalist

I know! I was surprised too.Jeff congratulates Bob, and notifying him of his status as “oldest winner ever”. I guess we can add that to the list of superlatives including “bitchiest winner ever”, “least deserving winner ever”, and “most boring winner ever”. I won’t tell you who’s who, but I bet you can guess. Probst asks Bob what the key to doing well was. Hey, Probst? The answer is Sugar.

“Well, I won a bunch of immunity challenges, and then I made some crazy chick love me.”

Bob talks about how his plan was to fly under the radar and be a nice guy, and it’s arguable that this is the only time that has ever worked in the history of this show, the “lay low and avoid strategizing entirely” plan. I mean, the closest anyone’s gotten to that is Sandra, and even she did a little bit of scheming here and there. Bob’s definitely earned his win differently than anyone else.

Jeff asks him about all the fake idols that he made, and where he got the materials. “Well, I take stuff,” he says hilariously. He talks about how he just collected beads at challenges when they fell on the ground and was pulling stuff off of flags and whatnot.

Probst takes a moment to note that he took a lot of grief for throwing the fake idol in the fire, and then he says he pulled out what was left for Bob, and you can just imagine Probst sticking his hands into the fire over and over again like the Karate Kid in his spare time. The idol remains he have are from the first idol with the pine cones, and not the awesome second idol with the beads and metal.

Bob has also apparently turned some of the Survivor challenges into physics projects for his students. Way to take the fun out of it! “The joke is that I have the largest group of illiterate Survivor fans in America,” Bob says. Wait, so he’s teaching kids physics before they can read? I think he’s putting the cart before the horse, there.

Well, it’s that or he’s insulting the shit out of his students.

Now Probst does that dumb thing that he does every season where he asks who would have voted for Matty if he had gone to the end, and then a bunch of people raise their hands and then the person who was eliminated just out of the running is harassed for messing up. I’ve already talked about how ridiculous this concept is, because these people have already seen all the episodes, which can change your perception completely, plus it’s ridiculous to ask about an imaginary world that didn’t happen.

Probst blames Matty’s loss on his inability to start a fire, even though Matty’s loss is totally Sugar’s fauly. Probst then looks directly at us, at home. “I’m just going to say this into the camera. Go to REI and get a flint and learn how to make fire, because it cost young Matty a million bucks.” “I was never very good at homework, ” Matty says as the audience laughs. Well, Sugar didn’t let him know he even had homework, so there’s a difference between doing your homework and not getting the assignment from the teacher (or emotional wrecked, judgmental pin-up model, as the case may be).

Time to talk to Susie. How’d she get so far? Well, she TRIED, Probst, weren’t you paying attention during the final tribal? She talks about how she likes to think people liked her, and then she also really got lucky with her two immunity wins. Jeff marvels that she got three votes, and then he tries to tell everyone that the deciding vote that won Bob the million dollars was Randy, which is completely not true. How can anyone be a swing vote in a situation like this? That would have to mean that the other six people had already decided who they were voting for, and we know that not to be true because of Kenny’s pacing. Randy tells the audience that the whole “Susie and the giant cookie” debacle when she screamed at him was the deciding factor, and ended up being “the million dollar cookie”. Why does Probst insist on weaving these elaborate stories every year that are pulled entirely from some alternate fictional universe? There’s plenty of drama, so it’s not like he NEEDS to invent things to keep it interesting.

Probst: “Susie, is it true that you pooped on several contestants while they were sleeping?”

Sugar’s turn to be interviewed by Barbara Walters-Probst. She gets big cheers from the audience, which I can believe. I myself liked her quite a lot until about an hour before this segment aired. Jeff asks her whether people on the street are recognizing her, and she talks about how people thank her for taking away Randy’s cookie all the time. Then she talks about how weird it’s getting. “People are blogging about seeing driving in her car,” she says like she doesn’t live in LA. “He even shared my license plate, ” she says grossly. By this point, I think we all know who this particular blogger was, and apparently her license plate says “IM SUGA”. If you’re creeped out by people recognizing you while you drive, you might want to, I don’t know, not keep your name on your car. It’s not like he went “Oh, and her license plate is California X3R45, and she drives a 2003 Dodge Caravan.” Shut up and quit acting all put-upon.

“I put this giant sign that says ‘SUGAR LIVES HERE’ in my front yard, and now all these people are hanging out in my yard! It’s so gross.”

She then takes it upon herself to address her own emotional stability. “I don’t cry everyday, people. I’m okay now,” she says. Probst informs us that he’ll be talking to Corinne after the commercial, which invokes the chorus of boos, and then we get a wildlife package into commercial, which is how you can tell that this season wasn’t too awesome. “Hey, you know that B-roll we shot? What a highlight that was!”

After we get back from commercial, we see the whole “Corinne talks about Sugar’s dead dad” thing AGAIN, which is the third time we’ve seen it in an hour, and then we get a close-up of Corinne she’s beaming like an idiot, because that’s really the only thing you can do in these situations. Jeff wants to know what we saw was the “real Corinne”, and she tries to explain that it wasn’t so much about the dead dad, but about Sugar’s constant crying. Corrine also admits that she had a lot of anger, and she says that in real life she if she didn’t like someone, she wouldn’t spend time with them, but if you make her be around people all the time, than yes, she’s going to torment them and that’s exactly who she is. I kind of respect that, to be honest. Most reality contestants are all “Oh, I’m really nice, it was the editing!” so for someone to be like “Yeah, that was me. I’m sort of a skank,” it’s nice to hear. I mean, she’s still totally heinous, but at least she’s aware of it.

“I’m sad inside!”

Randy’s turn, because it’s time for the “parade of jerks” portion of the reunion. Jeff also wants to know whether that’s the real Randy they saw, and he’s like “Absolutely, 100 percent,” in this completely deadpan tone of voice. Randy goes “You’re either born with the ability, or you’re not.” Probst: “To what?” Randy, deadpanning again: “To like me.” Oh, Randy.

Probst makes Randy admit that his best friend for the last 15 years has been his dog. I hope he doesn’t dress it up in dog clothes, because that’s when things start getting sad.

The dog comment draws more laughter from the crowd, for some reason. “Why are all of you laughing? I haven’t told a joke this whole season,” he says with a straight face. I am pretty sure Randy is a genius. Probst reveals that Marcus had the highest IQ during the pre-game screenings, closely followed by Randy. “The test has got to be flawed. I mean, look at these Einsteins here in the front row.” Burn!

Jeff starts revealing some little known facts about Randy, to let people know he’s not the giant asshole everyone thinks he is. The conversation goes as follows:

Probst: “You’re a commercial pilot?”
Randy: “Used to be.”
Probst: “You competed in Iron Man triathalons?”
Randy: ‘Used to.”
Probst: “You ran several marathons?”
Randy: “Used to.”
Probst: “You have an engineering degree from Vanderbilt?”
Randy: “Cheated.”

He does all this with a completely straight face, and I’m positive he’s doing some genius Andy Kaufman shit right now, and it is magical. But wait! It gets better. “Who did you bring to the finale?” Probst asks him. “Six total strangers.” Turns out he brought six people that he’s never met, who are fans of the show and he’s trying to make their dreams come true. It’s all supposed to be an elaborate joke, of course, but it’s still pretty a cool thing to do.

Yeah, I have a feeling these people might not get out much.

Wow, Randy just showcased a little of the hilarity that made him sort of awesome at the beginning of the season. You know, before he hit his head, got a lobotomy, and then became a racist.

Charlie. Probst calls him “one of nicest guys ever on show”, so why in the hell is he friends with Corinne? Charlie blah blahs about how they put up an emotional wall, and yadda yadda they have big hearts and are both smart. Enlightening!

Back from another commercial, we get a montage of all of the Crystal fails. Hey, they stole my idea!

Back in the studio, Crystal laughs at herself over how terrible she was. She seems really good natured about it, and like I said, I have a feeling that she’s totally awesome in social settings when she eats on a regular basis. I have a few friends like that.

“Feed me, or face my wrath!”

Crystal has actually brought along her gold medal with her to prove that she actually did win something. Jeff wants to know what the hell happened to her, and she says that she’s built to run in a circle, not run on logs or swim. I’m built to sit here and openly mock people, so at least I’m doing what suits me. Her attitude is really good, honestly. Crystal, let’s hang out!

Dan gets a couple of seconds, and hetalks about being vulnerable, and there’s a lot of therapy speak and whatnot, and it’s only vaguely creepy.

Kenny! He talks about what is actually involved in being a video game champion, which apparently includes travelling around the world, and there’s footage of him winning stuff and having braces. He apparently made more than 50 grand playing games, including Super Smash Brothers, a game which I myself have spent many drunken hours playing.

Probst asks what the games have to do with Survivor. Kenny says that he’s “known for mindgames” in the gaming community, and that translated well. He says he got very cocky, which was his downfall. “Everyone in Survivor is not a piece that I can move,” Kenny says, recognizing that he probably could have won if he had thought things through a little more there at the end. Jeff asks him about his love life, and Ken says he’s talked to some girls lately, and girls are finding him attractive “which is weird”, and he wants someone who likes him for him and not because he was on Survivor. Yeah, I bet the Survivor groupies are really an attractive bunch!

Speaking of girls and Kenny, Jeff takes the opportunity to ask Michelle (looking hot in the back row) about whether there might be something in the future for her and Kenny. She goes on a long, absolutely batshit crazy rant about how she has nightmares about termites wearing buffs eating her, and Jeff just looks at her, waits until she’s done, and then with perfect comic timing looks at Kenny and goes “Yeah, maybe stay single.” Well played, Probst.

Run! Well, hook up with her first, then run.

Ace. Is accent real? “Some people said it was inconsistent, thus raising the suspicion that it wasn’t real,” Probst says in a variety of accents. Ace talks about how both his parents are English, and how he lived in London for eight years. He thinks the accent definitely affected his game, and he thinks he should have had an American accent to people and then spoken in his real voice in confessional. Yeah, I’m sure that totally was the only think standing in the way on your path to the million dollars. Maybe also try not being a huge douche next time?

Time for Jeff gives away the 100k fan prize, which I hate. Quit doing this! There’s no reason some jerk should get the same money as the person in second place gets, just because a bunch of other jerks who swallow all of Probst’s fabricated stories like the person who benefits from them. Anyway, the top 3 are Matty, Bob, and Sugar. Matty gets third, Sugar gets second, and Bob ends up winning the fan prize as well. A clean sweep for the dude in the bow tie!

Jeff asks Bob how it feels to know that everyone loves him, and then because Bob has been such a log during the reunion, Jeff’s all, “Let me answer for you!” and then goes and sits next to Bob. “Yeah, it’s great, and if you want to learn to tie a bow tie, go visit my website, um, Bob.com.” I love how Probst’s impression of reality contestants has become so jaded that he includes a self-pimping plug when he does an impression of one.

Matty. He’s still engaged, and they’re completely on top of everything, including the color schemes and the food. We get a quick shot of his fiancée, and the caption people are a little behind the game when they put her name under Matty.

Now it’s time to talk to the also-rans! Lightning round! Paloma is looking really hot, but unfortunately says boring stuff. Jeff asks Kelly about her experience, and honestly? I think he’s mocking her, because her answer, verbatim, is: “Everything, um, the experience, with being with all of these people. Um, usually I’m liked by everybody, um, but it was really hard to try and get along with all of these people. And be stuck in a hut, and be, um, the least valuable player on the team.” Succinct!

GC. Why was he MIA before the challenge? He says he was off “looking for a Popeye’s or something out there”, but he says he did actually go to look for some food. Jacquie says some boring stuff (that’s, like, her job now). And now, Gillian. Was it worth it? “It was so worth it Jeff.” And then Jeff moves on, because he hates her as much as I do. Good for Jeff! I’ve read somewhere that Jeff also thinks Gillian is well meaning but annoying, and I wholeheartedly second that.

Time to preview next season! Monkeys! A large mountain! Alligators. Looks like we’re going to “The Brazilian Highlands” next. Things we’re shown/told: There will be two tribes, including one called “Timbira” (we see a flag), so I’m really looking forward to typing that a million times. The official title is Survivor: Tocantins, The Brazilian Highlands. Survivor’s been to Brazil before (and produced an AWESOME season), but not in this particular climate. Brazil is so huge that you could film 10 Survivor seasons there in 10 different climates.

And with that, we wave goodbye forever to these people. Well, at least until All-Stars 3. Thanks so much for continuing to read all my crazy rants for going on five seasons now. I can’t tell you how much fun it is. I’ll see you all in February. Peace, bitches!