Survivor: Thanks, Candice

This week, on Survivor, Candice ruins everything.At camp after JT’s elimination, Rupert is despondent, but mostly Rupert is condescending. “I tried,” he says emphatically. Cram it, beardy. I guess if you can’t beat ‘em, make them all feel guilty by saying “I told you so” a million times.

In the shelter, Russell is shitting his tiny pants. “Did you know she had another immunity idol?” he asks Sandra, who tells him no. “We got secrets going around here. What the hell’s up with that?” he says, legitimately scared at the loss of control. Oh, Russell. So transparent, and so unable to board most amusement park rides due to height restriction.

He asks Parvati when she found it, and she tells him at the Outback Challenge. “You lied!” he says. She denies lying, going with the old “not telling you isn’t lying” argument. “You surely took the one I gave you!” Russell says, miffed.

“And how am I supposed to completely waste them if I don’t even know they’re around?”

In her talking head, Parvati nails it: “Russell likes to be in control because he thinks he’s the godfather of this game. It scares him a little bit, which is kind of what I wanted,” she laughs evilly. Can you guys believe she is still around, let alone playing the best game out here? It blows my mind.

The Heroes commiserate with each other, knowing that their only shot is to flip Sandra. “I tried to tell you,” Rupert says throughout the conversation, because he is a dick. Man, even when he’s right he’s completely hateful.

After an abbreviated credits sequence, it’s Day 28 at the Yin Yang camp. God, what a stupid name. Candice and Russell talk to each other, and he tells her that when there are six people left, “somebody has to jump”. What does that even mean? If there’s a five person majority, someone would have to flip at seven, so that can’t be it. Whatever he’s saying out of context, Candice is buying it.

Russell tells us that he needs to pull someone into the alliance to prevent Sandra from flipping, and he knows that Candice is the best option for him because he can make her feel backed into a corner. As everyone across the internet knows, I am of the opinion that Russell is vastly overrated, but this here is a very impressive strategic move. This is the kind of shit that winners do.

Reward Challenge. They’re repeating that lame ass shuffleboard game from the Tocantins season, which I simply cannot believe. The challenge team is lazy as shit this season. Way to phone it in, guys.

“And your reward is…some tapioca pudding and an afternoon of Matlock reruns!”

Three teams of three will compete to see who can get closest to the X at the center of the board. The winning team will go on an educational field trip to Robert Louis Stevenson’s home, where they will get to watch Treasure Island and sleep in a bed.

What can I say about this challenge, really? Is anyone here interested in reading a recap about shuffleboard? It’s shuffle-y! And…board-y! Riveting!

Anyway, Colby ends up making a really clutch play with his very last turn, so he gets to go on the trip, along with his teammates Amanda and Danielle. At Rob Lou Steve’s house, a kindly tour guide deals admirably with what must be some very stinky patrons. Also, I think Amanda is high.

“Yo, is there a Taco Bell around here?”

I know there’s a hidden immunity idol in this house, and I have to get it,” Amanda tells us with determination. She sits on a very tiny bed with Danielle and Colby and pretends to watch the movie, scanning the room for hiding places. She doesn’t fix on the bowl of popcorn sitting between Danielle and Colby fast enough, however, and Danielle tries to subtly pull the clue from the bowl and stash it underneath the bed.

Amanda knows something’s up, though, and heads over to Danielle’s side of the bed to check things out. While Danielle looks at her like a crazy person, Amanda spies the clue under the bed and snatches it, trying to make off with the clue. Where is she going to go, exactly? Is there a Panic Room in the boyhood home of Robert Louis Stevenson?

Danielle tries to snatch back the clue, but Amanda is having none of it, and they get into a catty wrestling match that I can’t NOT screencap.

Jenny Jones up in this bitch! I believe that Project Pat is scheduled to perform after this segment.

Colby just watches the whole thing go down, alternating between amusement and arousal.

“Mmm, last time I got this turned on I was remembering the Alamo.”

When Amanda comes away with the clue, Danielle starts whining, attempting to Mean Girl her into giving it back. She calls Amanda crazy, but Amanda doesn’t really care: “This is our life in the game,” Amanda says frankly. Colby refuses to participate, even when Amanda calls him out. “It’s her clue, Amanda. Give it back.”

Wrong answer, Colby. So what if Danielle found the clue? Amanda found it again, so there’s really no arguing that the clue is Danielle’s. He should have argued that it be read aloud to everyone and then flushed down the historically preserved toilet or something. Way to lie down and die, buddy.

The next day, the Reward winners return to camp, complaining that they all had to share one bed. Yeah, but it’s a bed, and you are on Survivor. Only on an All-Star Season, I guess.

Danielle takes her alliance aside to tell them what happened. She changes the story so that she wrestled Amanda to the ground and grabbed it out of her hand. I don’t know why you’d lie to make yourself look better when the whole thing is preserved in High Definition for everyone to see later, but whatever; her giant boobs contain many mysteries.

“…and then I saw a unicorn.”

The Villain alliance decides to go look for the idol together. The clue says that it’s hidden along the rocky part of the river, so they begin overturning rocks to uncover it. Russell finds it first (of course), and when Danielle’s back is turned he stashes it in his own pocket. “I want to pay them back for the last one,” Russell tells us, petty as ever. “I’m the king of Immunity Idols,” he Professor Chaos-es. This statement will be funny later, by the way.

Of course Russell can’t have an immunity idol without showing it to at least one other person, just to make sure someone knows how crafty and ingenious he supposedly is. In this instance, however, this flaw actually benefits him. He shows Candice the idol, using it to further force her hand and nudge her over to his side. You can tell at this point that she’s completely in and that this move has tipped the scales, so good for Russell.

Don’t get me wrong, I still think the all the hype surrounding the dude is woeful, but I cannot begrudge him this particular move, because it is very wise. I’m not about to jump on the bandwagon or anything, because Russell is straight up lame and pales in comparison to Parvati (and even Sandra) and I still want him to go down in flames, but this maneuver is impressive. Not very many people would have had the foresight to successfully cut Sandra off at the knees like this.

On the morning of Day 30, Sandra walks with the Heroes, telling them everything that happened to the Villains, starting with the ridiculously stupid elimination of Tyson and going forward through Boston Rob, Coach and Courtney. “Now’s the perfect time to jump to the Heroes!” Sandra tells us, unaware that this strategy is doomed before it starts. I was hoping Russell would be going home as much as the next guy, too. Curse you, you tiny bastard!

The Heroes seem convinced that Danielle has the Immunity Idol, thinking that she won’t share it because she’s selfish. Thus, they believe that they can vote out Russell with minimal interference. Later, Russell approaches Sandra, asking her if the Heroes have approaches her, which she denies. He tells her that they have six votes, so if she votes with them, things won’t be very good for her. “Hold up, you’re doing the math wrong!” Sandra says, not catching the snap for the first time I can remember. To be fair, it’s probably smarter of her to assume Russell is bad at math than to think that he turned someone. When he affirms that he has in fact turned someone to their side, Sandra is skeptical, knowing that Russell could be lying to her to make her stay. “If I stay with the Villains, I’m Top 5 and I’m not moving up from there,” she says correctly. “I have to flip.” Yes, you do. Unfortunately, it won’t be today. Thanks, Candice!

“..no problem. Also, I’m boring.”

Sandra still thinks she can make something happen, though. “You want Russell gone? Russell’s GONE,” she tells Rupert, who smiles. “I really want to get rid of him. Russell is a piece of garbage,” Rupert says. While Russell is most definitely white trash (see also: his arrest last week), he is sadly headed straight to second place up in his bitch.

Immunity Challenge. Today we’ll be repeating the (kind of cool) final challenge from the Gabon season, the one that Forgettable Susie won. Each contestant will have a stack of “cards”; the first person to build a tower ten feet high wins immunity.

People, um, start building. How is this interesting? This is the Episode of Challenges My Grandma Would Be Really Good At. Jerri and Russell end up in the lead, both of them building a very basic tower composed of four to six tiles on each level. Jerri’s tower is just slightly larger than Russell’s, mostly because Jerri is focused on winning and Russell is focused on watching everyone else.

Cards! Just like wrestling, only lamer and less interesting!

Right at the end of the challenge, Russell runs out of cards (metaphor!), while Jerri is able to stack to at the top of her tower long enough for Probst to give her the win. This is the first immunity win for Jerri, who is ecstatic about wearing the necklace, despite the fact that said necklace was most recently on Danielle’s scary alien boobs and could therefore be carrying all sorts of creepy intergalactic bacteria from faraway galaxies.

At camp after the challenge, Russell and his alliance have decided to get rid of Amanda. “She’s Boston Rob in a girl’s body,” Russell says. That might have been true at one point, but not this season. She’s more Amber in a girl’s body.

Russell relays the news to Candice that Amanda’s on the chopping block. “At this point, I’m going to make people mad on either side, so I have to go with the most solid plan,” Candice says. Um, no you’re not, and no you don’t. The “solid plan” would be to go to the end with your original allies. Staying with them makes no one mad; flipping makes everyone mad and puts you in sixth place instead of fifth (at worst).

I understand that Candice wants to watch her own ass, but she knows exactly who has the idol – why be afraid of it? With the information she has, it would be very easy for her to orchestrate the ouster of, say, Jerri and give her original alliance the advantage. Hell, she could take out Russell this round if she did things right. She could leverage this to bring herself in tighter with her alliance, and then go to the end with Sandra and Amanda. But, what can I say? It’s Candice. She made out with noted douchebag Adam in her last season, so it’s not like her judgment is sound.

“Did you know that sixth place is actually better than fifth place? Russell told me. I am one hundred percent sure about this.”

“I’ve never gone to Tribal Council with my stuff before,” Rupert says, “I’ve never thought I was going home until tonight.” We get it: you think you’re awesome. The Heroes and Sandra all agree to get rid of Russell, information that Candice takes to him, for reasons I cannot understand. How does allying with him benefit her? I just don’t get it.

But now that Russell knows that he might be a target, he does a typically Russell thing and freaks out like a little girl. Instead of doing the smart thing (letting the Heroes think he’s going home and then knocking them out with the idol), he does the stupid thing: he pulls Sandra aside and confronts her, because god forbid that the entire world be unaware of what a badass he is. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: finesse, Russell. Fucking learn some.

“Candice told me you’re going to put my name down,” he tells her, showing his most important card like a dumbass. He continues to freak out like the tiny fragile man he is. “An idol’s gettin’ played tonight, bet on it,” he tells her, laying all the cards on the table. Dude has no idea when to hold onto something for later; that’s why he needs an idol every two episodes.

“Don’t threaten me,” Sandra tells him awesomely. Frustrated, Sandra tells the Heroes that they’re all back to square one thanks to Candice’s idiocy. Thinking that Danielle’s now going to give the idol to Russell, they decide to focus their votes on Parvati. Colby gets everyone to agree. “If this thing doesn’t work, than it’s Candice’s fault,” he says matter-of-factly while Candice sits next to him looking guilty.

“Can we just hurry up and do this so I can betray you guys?”

Sandra pulls Candice to the side, trying to convince her to do the smart thing and go along with the Heroes. “We need to get rid of Parvati and take control,” she tells Candice while she sits there looking guilty. Russell tries to walk up and break up the party, and Sandra gets amazing: “Can I just have a minute please? I feel like every time I try to do something, people are up in my face.” God, she is amazing. Why don’t people do shit like that more often? I guess only Sandra can get away with it.

It should be noted that Danielle has the words “I love you Punkin Butt” painted on her forearm. Wherever he is, Punkin Butt is likely getting the shit harassed out of him by his friends.

“Just vote for Amanda,” Candice begs Sandra. It’s pretty pathetic. Candice is clearly in over her head here, which is why these junior varsity ass people should never be cast on All-Star seasons.

Tribal Council. The discussion turns to flipping Sandra pretty quickly. Amanda tells Probst that the Heroes have to offer her a better deal, and Russell quickly disagrees. “She might have the best deal!” he says. “She’s weak in challenges; she’ll lose in a final vote. Sounds like someone I might want to take to the end.” As usual, he is wrong. Sandra would whip his ass in a final vote. Hell, anyone left would. He might have a shot if it’s a Final Two and he takes Candice. Otherwise, he’s already fucked.

Russell then talks about each member of his alliance, talking about their individual worth and what they contribute: Parvati’s the brains, Danielle’s the brawn, Russell’s the ugly one and Jerri is that other girl. I don’t know, I wasn’t listening. He leaves out Sandra, accidentally illustrating the opposing viewpoint. “Sandra’s just there,” he says with a smirk. Yeah, just there being superior to you in every conceivable way. Zing!

Russell Face

By the way, Courtney is completely amazing this whole time, trading glances with Coach, rolling her eyes, and generally just being phenomenal. I usually hate overly mugging jury members, but Courtney gets the Eliza Orlins Memorial Jury Pass, because she is awesome.

Time to vote. We see Russell vote for Amanda and Amanda vote for Parvati, as planned. When Probst goes to read the votes, Russell gets up and plays the idol. Danielle laughs, because when they didn’t find it, I’m sure that she and Parvati figured out pretty quickly that Russell found it and hid it from them. He’s the most transparent five year old ever, pretty much.

When the votes are read and Parvati’s name is called, Russell puts his head in his hands, realizing what a mistake he’s just made by giving away his largest advantage. Yeah, you did that to yourself by throwing a tantrum earlier, chump. Candice does indeed flip and vote for Amanda; she’s even kind enough to put little frowny faces on her vote. I’m sure that’s comforting to her, Candice. “Hey, I’m sorry I completely screwed you over, but…frowny face!”

As Amanda’s torch is snuffed, Parvati scolds Russell for squandering the idol. “You wasted one,” she tells him. It’s best not to think for yourself, Russell. Just let Parvati pat you on the head and then do what she says.

So, Sandra’s probably screwed soon. Next week is a double elimination (two tribals, not one), so I’m sure we’ll be dispensing with Colby and Rupert on Thursday. Sandra’s only hope, I think, is to get Jerri to come along with whomever is left from the Heroes at seven people, and even that would mean bringing Candice along. Sigh.