Survivor: The Quest For Camera Time

Survivor

By Schoonie | Monday, September 21, 2009 | 2:57 pm | 40 Comments

Tagged: funny, hilarious, recap, schoonie, spoof, TV, tvgasm

Tonight, on Survivor: I’M NOT WATCHING LYDIA AND NATALIE ANYMORE! YESSSS! Also, some attention-loving jerk burns a few things.Majestic waves! A big tree! Crashing water! We’re in Samoa, and I cannot tell you how relieved I am that I’m not watching Natalie lumber around the backyard in her basketball shorts anymore. Our new Survivors paddle toward the beach in long kayaks, two tribes of ten. Some chick with a phenomenal mullet tells us that she’s “a people magnet”, and that people she meets think “Man, this chick rocks!” I am skeptical, probably because the people she meets are following Cinderella and Ratt around the country.

“YEAH! Play Round and Round again!”

After a shortened credits sequence, which was slightly disappointing (am I the only one who looks forward to seeing the new credits every year?), the Survivors wash ashore and discover Probst waiting there for them. He tells them that they’ve already been separated into two tribes: the purple tribe is now “Galu”, and the yellow tribe is “Foa Foa”. They have made it easy on me this year with the tribe names. That one season where I had to type “Zhan Hu” a million times made me want to break my own fingers.

Probst lays a twist on the newbies immediately: each tribe will have to elect a “leader”, based only on appearances. Mick (33, doctor) says that he has “some leadership qualities”. He also has a blazer, which I am not sure is advisable at this juncture.

Galu gets to vote first. Someone votes for the chick with the mullet, who declares that her name is “Shambo”. That is a thing that happened. Probst’s WTF face is not to be denied.

“Shambo” explains that she’s had the nickname since ’86, when Rambo came out and she was in the Marines and had a bandana or something. It’s no worse than “Dreamz”, I guess. Perhaps I am in a forgiving mood or something, I don’t know. Most of the other people vote for the older African=-American guy with braids, whose name is Russell, so he is now the leader for Galu. Over at Foa Foa, it ends up being a close vote between Jaison (28, law student) and Mick the doctor. Mick wins out on the last vote, so I guess the professorial ambiance of his khaki blazer has convinced the rest of the tribe of his abilities.

The commercials here tell me that there is a new burger at Red Robin that is topped with mozzarella sticks. I love America, you guys.

The leaders are immediately tasked with making their first decision: they’ll be choosing the participants in the opening challenge. Probst tells them to pick the best swimmers, the strongest, the most agile, and the smartest people based on appearances. There are some interesting racial comments by some of the contestants here: Liz (33, attorney) thinks she was chosen as the smartest because she’s Asian, and Jaison (who is African-American) comments that he was surprised to be chosen to be the swimmer. I hate to keep bringing this up, but I spent my summer watching people get called terrorists and beaners, so this is like watching everyone hold hands under a rainbow.

So the chosen swimmer will be swimming out into the water to retrieve a key, which they will bring back to the strong person. The strong person will unlock some heavy logs and haul them to a balance beam, creating stairs for the agile person. The agile person will then use the stairs to get onto a balance beam and retrieve a key, which will unlock a bag of puzzle pieces for the smart person. The first team to solve the puzzle wins reward, which is the gift of fire. Bravo to whoever came up with this challenge, because it’s extremely well designed and thought out.

So Jaison gives Foa Foa a nice lead coming out of the water, and Russell H (oil company owner and future douchebag, 36) hauls his logs quickly and builds on the lead. Foa Foa has enough of a lead going into the puzzle portion that Galu can’t catch up, so they win the first reward challenge and will be taking fire back to camp. But, as we will discover, they’ll also have to take Russell back to camp, so it’s kind of a wash. Unless they use the flint to light him on fire, that is.

Back at Foa Foa’s new camp, they quickly get to work on building a shelter. Ben (28, bar manager) declares himself a hillbilly, announces that he has lots of experience with the outdoors, and takes the reins immediately. Mick watches as Ben directs the building of the shelter, content to have a break from the burden of leadership that he’s had to bear for…three hours now. Oh no! You must be crushed under the weight of your responsibility!

“Wait, where did my blazer go? Great, now my shirt is missing, too.”

Meanwhile, Russell watches while the others work their asses off. “My strategy is to have a secret alliance with each dumb girl,” he says. They’re dumb because they’re pretty, get it? You cannot be both pretty and smart; this is how the world works. There’s a quick montage of Russell making alliances with the “dumb short-haired blonde” (Ashley), “the dumber long haired blonde” (Natalie), and the “dark haired girl”. What, no quips about brunettes?

Anyway, it’s obvious that Russell is trying to make the viewing audience hate him, and he’s trying way, way too hard at that. It’s more pathetic than anything else, really. Here’s how we’re going to play Russell this season: if we actually start to hate him, he wins, right? So let’s just all agree to be bored by his attention-grabbing antics and move on to things which are actually interesting, namely: anything else.

So anyway, I am obligated to tell you that Russell also decides to align with the “old lady”, who is not actually that old. Her name is Betsy (48, police officer), and she’s got a read on Russell almost immediately, pegging him as untrustworthy and generally douchebaggy.

Must be the boxer briefs and sneakers combination that makes him seem so trustworthy.

Meanwhile, over at Galu, Russell S takes charge, telling everyone how and where to build the shelter. “Shambo” is happy that Russell is taking charge, but comments that the other males on the tribe are doing a lot of talking and no acting. John (25, rocket scientist) talks and talks and talk about the direction of the wind, and coconut currency, and taking inventory, and it’s a lot of middle management, corporate groupthink bullshit that means that John’s spent a little too much time in meetings recently. He is That Guy Who Won’t Stop Talking, except he’s That Guy Who Won’t Stop Talking In Hour Three Of Your Boring Staff Meeting.

It’s Night One over at Foa Foa, and Russell is busy telling the group a heart rending story about how he decided not to leave his home in New Orleans when Hurricane Katrina came though, and then the water was rushing in and he couldn’t find his dog and I’m pretty sure it’s the beginning of Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey but in New Orleans. The other tribe members (especially the younger girls) eat it up while Russell tells us that he made up the whole story, of course.

But wait, he’s not done! Once everyone’s asleep, he goes and empties all of the water from the tribe’s canteens. He says it’s to “weed out the weak players right off the bat” as he throws socks into the fire for no reason, except for camera time. He’s boring and lame, and I’m already tired of him.

Great, now we’ll have to cancel the Sock Puppet Showcase.

In the morning, the rest of the tribe discovers that all of their stuff has been sacrificed to the attention gods while Russell watches with a smirk on his face. Of course, people are crabby because they woke up to no water, and Marisa and Ben begin bickering at each other over how to cook the food and get water. “This is working like a dream,” Russell says. Ignore him, Gasmii! I BEG OF YOU, discussing him will only make things worse. If you feel the need to talk about Russell, let’s call him something else entirely unrelated to him. That way, he’ll never know that we’re talking about him, and thus we can deny him the satisfaction of knowing it. I vote that we call him Urkel. Thoughts?

Immunity Challenge! Six members of each tribe race through a course filled with steep obstacles dragging a rope; they’ll attach the rope to a crate, which they will then pull to the finish line. The other 4 members of the tribe will disassemble the crate and use the pieces to solve a puzzle. Jeff reveals the immunity idol, which is a badass spear this year. I hope no one trips near that thing, or there are going to be some prop-related injuries occurring this season.

Hey, at least he’ll have an eyepatch handy for the next pirate-themed season.

You can tell that Galu really, really the win right from the beginning, because they’re helping each other mount the obstacles, working together to get people to the end of the course, and pushing themselves as hard as they can. It’s yet another really cool challenge to watch, because it’s much more complicated than it appears initially. I complained about the challenges last season in Brazil, but thus far I’m really impressed. It’s really nice to have this show back again, I cannot say that enough, especially after a summer of watching people count change on Big Brother.

Human pyramids never get old.

So anyway, Galu gets their crate to the finish line first, but Foa Foa is right behind them. Galu again manages superior teamwork on the puzzle, absolutely smoking the other team and winning themselves well-deserved immunity from the vote. They’ve got a celebratory chant going and they rub it in after the victory, and you can tell that there’s going to be some nice rivalry between these tribes this season. I gotta say, I’m getting a really good feeling from this season already, and it’s only the first episode.

Back at Foa Foa, Ashley says that they lost, and that sucks. What clutch commentary! I am enlightened. Mike (chef, 62) tells Mick that the weakest person should go, and that he thinks that person is Ashley. To his credit, he admits that he’s just trying to avoid getting voted off himself, since he’s the oldest and most out of shape person on the tribe.

“If you keep me in the game, I’ll let you touch my beard.”

Meanwhile, Russ talks to Marisa about the upcoming vote, and she calls him out for making little alliances with everyone on the tribe. He gets all fake-offended about it, because he realizes that Marisa’s already gotten a pretty accurate read on him after a grand total of two days and this is his only option. He decides that Marisa has to go because she angered him, but really it’s pretty easy to tell that he’s actually afraid of her. He takes the suggestion to a few different people on the tribe, who are all ready to vote her off pretty quickly, given that they’re all just trying to protect their own asses. You don’t really need a reason to vote someone off during the first vote other than that, right? It’s like watching that show Tool Academy: you just thank God you’re not That Guy and move on.

Betsy the cop, meanwhile, watches Russell fidget about in the water and warns a younger girl with too much eyeliner not to trust him. I’m hoping this is foreshadowing, leading to some sort of showdown between the two of them in which Betsy smites Russell right back to wherever the hell his fake ass came from. Fuck Urkel, seriously.

Tribal Council! Oh, how I have missed you. Ashley gets asked how it feels that someone’s going home, she says “sad”, providing more of the trademark insight we’ve come to expect from her. Mike tries to tell Probst that the puzzle portion of the competition was luck and Probst calls him out for it, pointing out that it wasn’t even close. Betsy gets asked who the weakest person on the teams is, and she calls out Ashley, who tries to defend herself by saying that she’s actually very fit, especially “cardio-wise” when it comes to getting through those obstacle courses. A nice argument, frankly. Marisa tries to make a point about how there are different levels of weakness, and Ben starts rolling his eyes at her almost immediately, calling her out for not answering the question. Of course, he’s just being a dick, because she was answering the question, but so is Russell, who points out that Ben and Marisa obviously don’t like each other. Pay attention to me! I burn things!

Russell takes this opportunity to call Marisa out some more, talking about how she was confrontational earlier with him as well. People are already rolling their eyes all Coach-stylee over him, because he is oblivious in much the same way that Coach was, in that he thinks this is working but it obviously isn’t. Marisa worries here: “If I do something to get marked, than that was really dumb on my part, and I apologize,” she says in a last ditch effort, reading the writing on the wall. This is too bad because she appears to be pretty smart, but in this early stage you don’t even really have to do anything to get your ass chopped.

Look how sad she is…

I think we all know how this voting is going to turn out. Ashley gets a few votes, but the majority are for Marisa, and that’s the end for her. She looks genuinely sadder than anyone getting voted out in recent memory, and you can tell that she was really excited for this whole thing and bummed that it’s ending so quickly, especially thanks to stupid Urkel. Damn him, always barging in the front door and ruining things with his wacky schemes.

Comments (40)
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About Schoonie

Like most people in America, Schoonie watches entirely too much reality television. Unlike most people, Schoonie gets to share his opinions with the world, which is pretty rad. Currently living in Chicago, Schoonie's been with Tvgasm since 2006. He spends his free time writing Survivor fan fiction (Letters to Penthouse, all featuring Rupert!) , playing with his cover band, and playing with his other cover band. Also, this one time, Lisi fell.

40 Comments

1

pretty good year

Posted September 21, 2009 at 3:20 pm

Great recap, Schoonie! I have good vibes about this season, too, especially if I ignore Urkel. Samoa looks amazing in HD! I loved Gabon and Tocantins as locations but I really was looking forward to them going to a beautiful island location again. That deep blue water and the white sand beaches look awesome, and so will the opening credits, I’m sure (you’re not the only one who looks forward to them, but Probst said in his blog that they were cut for time this episode).

Poor Marisa. I liked her but standing out in any way in the first three days is very dangerous, especially if you’re seen as expendable physically (which, unfortunately, most women are on this show). Everyone just has the Sandra-patented “as long as it’s not me” mindset for the first vote.

I’m really liking Galu. Cheesy though their chanting was, it was very endearing. Definitely looks like a positive tribe with some cool people on there. I don’t even mind John, though I think he’ll be an early boot. He seems a lot like Dan from Gabon: well meaning but socially awkward.

And Shambo, well, she lost points when she decided to introduce herself as Shambo instead of her actual name (Shannon). But if I can tolerate names like Fairplay and Boo and Dreamz and Rocky and Frosti and Chicken and Sugar and Coach, I can live with her.
2

cattyfan

Posted September 21, 2009 at 3:59 pm

I have big hate for Russell already…and I think actual destruction of someone else’s property should be out-of-bounds and get ya kicked off this show.

But I guess TPTB don’t care about rules…only ratings.
3

myfavoritesunglasses

Posted September 21, 2009 at 4:25 pm

I was hearing more nerd alert rocket scientist speak from john than middle management droning. I thought I heard him talking about how wind was going to factor in, etc …

My only comment about Urkel is that he’s a giant toolbag and hopefully he gets off my screen soon so I can see some actual gaming, cause otherwise it’s going to be Coach 2.0 with half the episode focusing on his idiocy.

And finally … Shambo. I was prepared for the worst when the camera panned to her in the beginning, but I think that’s just because the last mullet on this show belonged to Denise, and well … she sucked.
4

trink621

Posted September 21, 2009 at 4:40 pm

Didn’t Marisa already unwittingly foil Russell’s attempt at having a secret alliance with all the “dumb” women when she tried to explain her concern over him having one-on-one conversations with those others? If they themselves hadn’t seen him having those other conversations THEN, they sure knew he had NOW! No one will trust him. (Do you think Russell has deep-rooted issues with his mother? He seems to have some disdain for women. Maybe he’s the one who gets kicked out of the competition next week!!)

Still…I actually think that Russell’s idea to make the rest of the tribe uncomfortable by burning their socks and emptying their water bottles was diabolically and strategically ingenious! (Am I lame for finding his escapades amusing?)

Unfortunately, Russell should have learned by now that as soon as someone labels himself as the one who’s REALLY controlling the game, he’s doomed for sure.

(I apologize, Schoonie…I guess I gave Russell…er, eh, Urkel too much mention!)
5

J-Mo

Posted September 21, 2009 at 4:43 pm

Perhaps this will make Urkel uncomfortable: All of my gay chubby chaser friends are finding him extremely fuckable and love the fact that he’s running around in nothing but boxer-briefs. They all watch with the sound turned off, so he’s robbed of his precious blowhard posturing. Me myself, I’m kinda meh. I do think he has a nice ass, though… now if I could just find a sock to stuff in his mouth we’d be good to go.

love, J-Mo

P.S. Is it considered slightly dogshit of a person to blatantly lie about having been negatively affected by hurricane Katrina? Or has it been long enough now that people are no longer offended by that? I’m just curious.
6

Snootchy Bootches

Posted September 21, 2009 at 5:04 pm

“Some chick with a phenomenal mullet tells us that she’s “a people magnet”, and that people she meets think “Man, this chick rocks!” I am skeptical, probably because the people she meets are following Cinderella and Ratt around the country.”

LOL… What came to mind for me was that it was probably folks who had just done a bunch of bong hits. And she had provided the pot.

Russell… where to begin. First of all, I’m with J-Mo that lying about being in Katrina is a whole new LOW level of douchebaggery. What’s next? Your wife was killed in the twin towers? Asshat. Also, what kind of idiot moron pours all of the water out when… and this is important… YOU DON’T CURRENTLY HAVE ANY WATER! When people are dehydrated, they are weakened. When weakened people compete, they tend to lose. Fucking idiot douchebag.

So anyway… Can we just rename this guy Natalie and be done with it? :p

Thanks for the great recap, as always, Schoonie! I missed ya!
7

Squirt

Posted September 21, 2009 at 5:28 pm

“So anyway… Can we just rename this guy Natalie and be done with it?” :p

S B–Like the idea of calling he-who-shall-not-be named (not even troll or leprechaun) Natalie…except that Natalie would think it’s a compliment!
8

ThisShowRocks!

Posted September 21, 2009 at 5:32 pm

I, too, have a good feeling about this season. Hopefully we won’t be disappointed.

Russell just plain sucks.

And the mullet woman rocks. I rolled my eyes when she first appeared on the screen…but when I found out she is a former Marine, I found a new respect for her.

I thought the doctor was a good choice for team leader. I wish Shambo would’ve been the other leader though.

Best line of the recap for me:

Galu gets to vote first. Someone votes for the chick with the mullet, who declares that her name is “Shambo”. That is a thing that happened. Probst’s WTF face is not to be denied.

Thanks for the laughs, Schoonie!
9

here4beer

Posted September 21, 2009 at 6:03 pm

Glad to see you back so soon, Schoonie, and especially with this show. Your screencaps were hilarious!

For the Urkel haters, I don’t think we have much to worry about. He’ll be gone within a few episodes for sure, because he’s playing too hard too fast. I actually think his initial strategy was really smart for reasons he probably never thought of (if he is the only one fed and hydrated, he’s the only one who can think straight, and if he’s aligned with all the weak players and is able to convince them to vote out the strong, he has a great shot to make it at least to the merge). Unfortunately his strategy isn’t really a strategy, it’s just a means to make himself famous. Too bad, because he could have been interesting if he wasn’t such an attention whore.
10

soapboxx

Posted September 21, 2009 at 7:30 pm

Thanks for the laughs, tee-hees and ha-has Schoonie! I,too am glad to be done with tattoo hello kitty slut and rat-faced-lie-alot. If there was ever a case of copyright infringement Hello Kitty should pounce on it. Off topic, by the way does anyone else think the Malti-Poo/Coyote dog napping incident was fabricated by Jessica Simpson because she wasn’t getting any sympathy from her “I got dumped by Romo in an IHOP parking lot right before my Barbie/Ken birthday party story”? Sorry, BB11 has screwed with my head. The next episode of Survivor actually looks scary. That one blond has a huge bruise on her eye/face and Probst has to halt the comp. If it’s Urkalie causing the trouble I hope they boot him right on the spot.
11

dudeIrock

Posted September 21, 2009 at 8:57 pm

My first comment EVER!
(though I’ve been reading for years)
I love-love-LOVED your comment snootchy..so true
And Schoonie I have loved you since season 8 of Big Brother
12

sillygrrl

Posted September 21, 2009 at 9:00 pm

Great recap. I was surprised that you noticed the Dr.’s blazer but didn’t comment on Dredlocked Russell’s blazer. Only people with blazers are allowed to be leaders apparently.

The other Russell (Probst calls him “Evil Russell” in his blog) is annoying, yes, but this is an entertainment show. Without Coaches or Fairplays or Evil Russells you always end up with super-boring seasons. We don’t have to like the bad guy or what he does, but he’s often the catalyst for other action that keeps the energy up and keep things moving. Seasons with a really good “bad guy” are always the best. I have high hopes for this season.

I think the bar manager is the dude who gets kicked out of the challenge. Evil Russell is a sneaky little coward, not a bully. Bar manager dude gives off mean vibes. Of course, it’s hard to tell after one episode. We’ll see. Thanks for the great recap! Looking forward to many more.

P.S. Evil Russell said in confessional he was rich oil tycoon (yah right). If so, you’d think he’d have enough money to get his teeth fixed, no?
13

annieo

Posted September 21, 2009 at 9:45 pm

Great recap, Schoonie, and so mellow! You’ve recovered nicely from BB. Maybe it was all just a collective bad dream. Anyway, this crew has GOT to be better than Nat, Jesse, et al, at least until we get to know them really well. And Urkel is so over the top that it just makes him sad.
14

itchy

Posted September 21, 2009 at 11:47 pm

In the forum section (while we were waiting oh so patiently for this recap…eh hem) someone gave the short fat guy the nickname the Leprechaun. Fits pretty well to me. A real Lucky Charms that guy is.

I’m pissed at the producers for shoving this guy in our faces. They’ll end up turning Survivor into Big Brother.

At least Johnny Fairplay was funny about it. And Coach too.

Everything this guy does is a cry for help. It’s all about the fact that he’s short (and fat and ugly). He’s still pissed at the world for not having grown normally. He’s spent most of his life over-compensating for that. And now he gets to act out his psycho-drama on national television.

Sad and pathetic. I hope he sees himself for what he truly is and kills himself.

Meanwhile, I think he’s a red herring. The real villain is going to be the hillbilly.

I was disappointed that Marisa got the boot because a) she looks great in a bikini and b) I knew a Marisa once who was realy really beautiful and the name alone still makes flowers and birdsong spring up in my heart.

It’s a shame she didn’t call Urkel Charms out on the alliance thing at tribal council — she might have been able to sway the vote.

Oh yeah, Schoonie, you can always add an ‘auto-complete’ entry into your word processor, so you don’t have to type out the whole word. Because you’ll be typing ‘douchebag’ a lot this season. As long as the leprechaun stays on the screen, at any rate.
15

Snootchy Bootches

Posted September 22, 2009 at 2:42 am

Itchy, you totally read my mind. In fact, after tribal council I turned to my husband and told him that if I was ever on Survivor (not bloody likely!) and was voted out, I would rat out every single thing I knew before I walked over that wood bridge to the Ponderosa!

And regarding one of the comments about how the person who gets too rough in the challenge may get kicked off… I doubt it. Remember a few seasons ago when the guy (Can’t remember his name. I always called him BamBam) was dragging Chet all over that obstacle course and bashing Chet all to hell?
16

geewits

Posted September 22, 2009 at 2:42 am

LOVED the sock puppet caption! I like your take on Ugly Fat Guy. It’s better to think he’s an attention whore rather than a psychotic serial killer. The reason I hate him is because this is the first time EVER that my top pick to win the whole thing was voted out first. That has NEVER happened. My top pick usually makes it to at least the final five. Now thanks to UFG, she is gone. For that, he will never be forgiven. I hope cop lady gets him and gets him soon.
17

geewits

Posted September 22, 2009 at 2:47 am

Hey, since he’s a Fat Ugly Guy Loser, how about “Fugly?”
18

Pikey578

Posted September 22, 2009 at 3:03 am

I think you are right Itchy and that the leprechaun is a red herring/smoke screen… I think that Ben (hillbilly) is the true villain here – the finger gun pointed at Marissa when she left was more disturbing than anything FUG did – there was no reason or strategy in what he did.

I just hope that we don’t get another season of having the show hijacked by one person – I want to see the game play from everyone, not just the oddball players.
19

slutty_whore

Posted September 22, 2009 at 5:21 am

I agree with H4B, I think it’s an intriguing strategy, but not a winning strategy. You need a STRONG team to win the challenges and avoid TC, and I doubt Fug’s social skills will keep him out of the hot seat. I pointed this out in the forums that Marisa was the weakest. When she realized that she was going to be voted out, she started weeping. Even in defeat, you shouldn’t show any weakness and she did. Although she outed Fug as a liar and shit-starter, I’m not sure the other Tribemates were astute enough to realize what she was doing.

Liz for the win.
20

slutty_whore

Posted September 22, 2009 at 5:24 am

Also, does anyone know if they did away with Exile for this season?
21

Mr Dangerous

Posted September 22, 2009 at 8:30 am

RE:

“Anyway, it’s obvious that Russell is trying to make the viewing audience hate him, and he’s trying way, way too hard at that. It’s more pathetic than anything else, really. Here’s how we’re going to play Russell this season: if we actually start to hate him, he wins, right?”

Judging from the comments he’s already won.

BTW: you people act like burning somebody’s clothes or pouring out their liquor or loosening the lug nuts on their tires is something you haven’t done before. STOP. We’ve all done it. Lie to your mother but don’t lie to me.

Anyway, I LURV Russell. I just want him to walk around in his underwear — shirtless. He is hot, Hot, HOT. And let me tell you something I would rather he be there than one of those interchangeable, 20 year old, bikini wearing, blonde girls. Ewwwwww. Kick the bikini girls to the curb. Keep RUSSELL the HUNK.

I’m very happy you’re doing the recaps Schoonie. Even when I disagree with you — you make me laugh.
22

palm715

Posted September 22, 2009 at 9:22 am

In the world of reality television, at least in the first few episodes, you either get a personality (i.e. you are unattractive and/or over 30 years old) or you are a cardboard cutout (McBabes & McHunks). Is this a truism for life or sad commentary on how we demand TV editing to conform to our limited views or worse still, the ramblings of a desperate woman trying to justify her reality addiction?

The leprechaun has classic short man’s disease. It reminds me of the one Marine Corps graduation I attended. You never saw so many guys under 5’5″ with a chip on their shoulder that made them 6′ worth of pure piss ant. The poor guy just got one to many swirlies in high school and now the McBabes and McHunks have to pay.
23

mommaz2boyz

Posted September 22, 2009 at 10:28 am

A friend of mine posted on FB to watch Survivor contestant “Russ” who graduated from the same HS a few years earlier. I was chagrined to find out this morning that my friends’ alum was the dreadlock Russ and not the douche bag Russ. It would have made things interesting since this friend and I have an on-going 10 year long shit talking rivalry. Oh well…

Shambo? Providing or smoking pot? Not bloody likely…now crushing Bud cans on her head? Yeah, that’s more like it.
24

ohionancy

Posted September 22, 2009 at 10:56 am

When Urkel was lying about Hurricane Katrina (awful BTW)I’m pretty sure he said he was a fireman – anyone who would believe he is a fireman with that physique of his is crazy!!!
25

jennaboa

Posted September 22, 2009 at 11:46 am

O Gods of Wayward Falling Coconuts, lend us your ears! Ye Great Ones That Smite 150 Unfortunate Souls Each Year — While In Your Glory Sparing Rock God Keith Richards (Who Technically Only Fell From One Of Your Trees But You Never Know With That Bloke) — erm — right, so please dropeth your bounty upon Russell H, pretender to the Evil Throne so recently vacated by RataLie and Sir Coach The Dragon Slayer. We ask you to not smite him, merely knocketh his sorry arse out so that his trollsome face no longer fills our TV screens on Thursday nights. In your mercy, we pray, Amen.

Schoonie, I’m so glad you are (a) not writing about Rat-a-Nat-and-Tats anymore and (b) writing the Survivor recaps. What fun! And then TPTB hand you a character like Urkel. I have to say, not my fave nickname given out on TvGasm, because I was always partial to Urkel. Sure he was annoying and wore suspenders far past their sell-by date in the 1950s, but he was also sort of squeakily endearing, particularly if one wore earmuffs while watching the show and couldn’t hear the squeaks.

Russell H is more like Golem or something. Fat Golem. Overripe Golem. But definitely a Golem sort of guy. Not quite sure what his precious ios yet “ his ego that needs constant stroking?

What gets me is that the man claims to be only 36? Rrrrreally? Is this like when my mom claims to be 50 for the 16th years in a row or is douchbaggery really that bad for the skin? Maybe he should have drunk all the water in those canteens instead of pouring it out. Hydrate, you twit, or you are really going to look like a Shar-pei in five years. As for the sock burning, well, maybe they were stinky? Most men seem to marinate in the damned things. I don’t remember, was he actually smart enough to burn/dump out his own things as well? I don’t remember seeing him standing on the sidelines, casually sipping from his canteen and smacking his lips “ Water, the thirst quencher! “ obviously flexing his tootsies to show off his cotton-clad toesies to his tribemates, but then, I was sort of ignoring when he was on the screen from about five minutes after he opened his mouth. Wow, Lord Tries Too Hard, what is with you, mate?

And then I read itchy’s comment — “¦ It’s all about the fact that he’s short (and fat and ugly). He’s still pissed at the world for not having grown normally. He’s spent most of his life over-compensating for that ¦”

Being a short person myself, I would have been massively offended by this comment if this weren’t so danged true. Maybe he was once beautiful and thinking of a modeling career, but there was no Ty-Ty Banks running about trying to save Short Male Models, so he let himself go shorter, wider and wizened. And thus in bitterness does he act out by doing Silly Short People Things to sabotage the Tall and Beautiful People. I was singing “Waterloo” while watching him pour out the canteens, for Napoleon would totes approved his plan (which is why Napoleon lost at Waterloo in the first place). Unfortunately, lack of water (and, as usual to Reality TV, common sense) made his tribe listen to a Tiny Would-Be Tyrant and vote out a woman who did not but point out the obvious fact that the man is an attention-whore Coach-a-be. A shorter, fatter, more wrinkly Coach “ isn’t that what all Reality Villains should try to aspire to?

May a flying fox drop an overlarge coconut on your head, Russell. Love, Jenna

P.S.: Loads have people have lied about Katrina to get money, but at least they were smart enough to do so to the government and have less of a chance of being caught than the moron who lies on TV in front of millions. Edjit.

P.P.S.: Shambo looks like the offspring of Starsky and Hutch. How deeply terrifying!
26

juddfan

Posted September 22, 2009 at 2:04 pm

Schoonie, I feel your pain getting through the end of BB there, I, just, couldn’t . . . but I enjoyed what recaps I did read. Glad to follow you here, this seems to be your mainstay.

So, I did watch this, and might tune in for a season. I’m rooting for Betsy, so far. I HATE Ben–I don’t pay close attention, unless Fug is runnning in his undies (yes, I’m like that . . . and weak, and forever attracted to assholes–make of it what you will, but some day me and Mr. Dangerous have to go on a man hunt ; ) So, back to Ben, I missed the finger gun, but never have I seen someone so venomous after, what, 3-4- days . . . unstable to say the least.

I’m moderately amused by “control” freaks who think they run everything. I can often feel bad for them, but in Fug’s case, I hope he just stirs up the game and drama and has more fun with it. He does seem sociopathic. I also hope he always runs around in his undies, then I can avoid the douchiness running from his pinched face and focus on the better things in life (Lawd, I need a date or something . . .but good to know I’m not alone, J-mo and Mr. D . . . ; )

Rocket scientist seems like an idiot–I like Shambo and agree with her, there’s talking about doing something, and then there’s doing it!!! As far as wind goes, they might want to consider having it blow from head to toe to air away any nocturnal emissions . . . hee . . .

I liked your prayer, Jenna!

I liked the good swimmer too–love when someone can spit in the face of prejudice! yay!
27

ThisShowRocks!

Posted September 22, 2009 at 5:48 pm

Mr Dangerous:

Russell? Russell, is that you?

You have got to be kidding me! There is NOTHING sexy about that man.
And honestly, I doubt he’s some big oil company owner.
Does he really look like a multi-millionaire? Just saying.
28

2funny2b4real

Posted September 22, 2009 at 10:19 pm

New name for Russel (Urkel), Manboob! I like Urkel and in order to be Urkel you have to be smart, Russel (Manboob) is not. He’s slimy and a simpleton. He’ll be gone soon enuough and as usual he will be blindsided and “so surprised”. The doofi–plural of doofis :*)–usually are.
29

Snootchy Bootches

Posted September 23, 2009 at 2:49 am

My husband thinks you should call the black guy with the braids Russell and the douchemeister Rusthole.

I still vote for just calling him Natalie. Or as someone here cleverly named him, Russ-alie.
30

Mr Dangerous

Posted September 23, 2009 at 7:54 am

Okay, nicknames for Russell:

SEXmachine (cause you can just tell he is)

Lovehangover (cause I would be having a lovehangover after doing it with that man.)

Legs like Treestumps, Chest like a Cossack (Too Dancing with Wolves?)

SexyBack (Everytime I see Russell that Justine Timberlake song starts playing in my head.
RUSSELL = SEXYBACK.)
31

patriciammiller

Posted September 23, 2009 at 9:09 am

My favorite right now is Betsy the cop. I’m impressed that she sensed Urkel’s evil when everyone else seemed completely naive and oblivious. And with being a cop I think she’ll be able to stand up for herself and not just ‘tag along’.

I keep hearing about a blog by Jeff Probst. Can someone tell me where to go to see this?
32

itchy

Posted September 23, 2009 at 9:18 am

You do realize, Mr. D., that you’ve succeeded in giving me one more reason to want to see that douchebagrecaun off the screen as soon as possible?

Not that I begrudge you your drool time. But, damn, you’re getting my screen all wet too.

Ick.
33

slutty_whore

Posted September 23, 2009 at 9:32 am

@ Patricia…. the JP blog is on ew.com. They also post interviews with the booted castaway also, hosted by Dalton Ross and Jenna Morasca.
34

Mr Dangerous

Posted September 23, 2009 at 10:46 am

Uh, Itchy:

Russell can’t last long. I suspect he’ll be gone in a couple of weeks. If he’s not he’s going to kill everyone on the Island.

My final two nicknames for Russell are:

A) ATLAS (Especially if he lifts something over his head.)

B)HERCULES (Because Russell is SUPER strong!)
35

Devlin

Posted September 23, 2009 at 11:34 am

Ergh… I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit. Atlas? Hercules? Blech!

lol @ 2funny2b4real – I think the correct term is “Moobs”

Welcome back from hell Schoonie! Lookin’ forward to reading your recaps every week. And the Ratt screencap, that just plain rocked! Keeping my fingers crossed that the producers actually gave a shit this season and have planned some challenges that are actually challenging.

I’m screwed for my guy pick (hubby and I have a friendly wager, each get to pick one guy and one girl right at the start of the show, if they go home the first show you get a final pick to replace). I got swayed by the plaid and picked Captain Rocket Scientist… so screwed!
36

juddfan

Posted September 23, 2009 at 12:15 pm

I love doofi 2funny!!! and Mr. D, it’s good to know I could be worse . . . hee

I agree, what ever he shall be named, can’t last long–but a couple more weeks, pls Survivor gods.

Sorry ’bout your screen itchy . . .
37

mommaz2boyz

Posted September 23, 2009 at 1:55 pm

Moobs…..LMFAO!!!
38

ThisShowRocks!

Posted September 24, 2009 at 6:21 am

According to an interview with Probst, there will be 2 medical evacuations this season, and 1 one of them will be really serious and scary.

He also said there’s one week where it rains non-stop, and there’s no drinking water.

It sounds like we’re in for a heck of a season!
39

soapboxx

Posted September 24, 2009 at 11:44 am

itchy:
You got it! douchebagrecaun for Russell . The best damn nickname yet. It really says it all. What a hoot! LOL
40

puppet

Posted September 26, 2009 at 10:02 pm

aaaaaaaah I need a tvgasm survivor recap fix aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

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