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Long time, no see, bitches! Survivor begins anew on Thursday, and your trusty Schoonie is here to provide you with a preview of the 16 castaways that will be trying in vain to keep me from hating them for the next four months. Hey, did you know that the word ‘Tocantins’ is Portugese for “We Promise They’re More Likable Than The Douches From Last Season”? I’m here to teach, people.
Probst has promised over and over again in pre-show interviews that this cast is extremely likable, which is a hint that they maybe know how much they screwed up last season by dropping a wide variety of jerkbags into the middle of Africa. I love this show no matter what, but I will admit that a small part of that love died last season. After Rupert, I should have learned my lesson. Then Dreamz came along, and I should have learned then. And then, BAM! They hit me with Corinne, and Randy, and Sugar. This show is all “I promise I won’t hit you anymore, baby,” to me, and then it touches my face and we have sweet make up sex, and then the very next season it throws me down the stairs and I have to tell all my friends that I walked into a door.
Benjamin, 37, is a Soccer Coach from Missouri. In case his hair did not convince you that he might be kind of a tool, he apparently also goes by “Maestro”, which is sure to win him lots of friends on this show. He also calls himself an “Alpha Male”, so he’s probably one of those guys whose read The Game a million times and is all gross in bars with his gambits and whatnot. Watch out ladies, he’s single! And he’ll probably share his VO-5!
Brendan, 30, is the owner of Bear Naked Granola. If you’ve never had it, it’s actually pretty damn good. I’ve heard people complain about the fact that he’s already a millionaire, but so what? As long as he’s not boring, I don’t care if he’s Uncle Scrooge from Duck Tales.
Candace, 31, is an attorney, as you can tell by the bikini. Her bio says that she grew up in “the inner city of Dayton, Ohio”. Man, I bet it’s tough growing up on those streets. The Dayton rap scene, of course, being the trendsetting epicenter of it all. You know what rhymes with Dayton? NOTHING.
Carolina, 26, is a bartender from LA, which is, of course, an underrepresented demographic on reality tv today. She’s obviously the result of some sort of Casting Affirmative Action. Thank God someone stood up and said something. She’s so brave! Next up: Bartender History Month.
Debra, 46, is a school principal from Alabama. If she were your principal, would you not be trying to get in trouble? I sure as hell would. Her nickname is “Bubbles”, so apparently this is the Season of Annoying Nicknames.
Erinn, 26, is a hairstylist from Waukesha, Wisconsin. Her bio says that she’ll be “dumb as a fox”, so she’ll be going with the Parvati strategy, apparently. She also loses points for missing an opportunity to quote The Simpsons. If I’m ever cast on one of these shows, my bio will be nothing but Simpsons and 30 Rock references.
Jerry, 49, is a former Army Sargeant. Judging by his bio, he actually seems…pretty cool. He has two grown children, he’s been married for 25 years, he grew up on a chicken farm and doesn’t want you to actually call him Chicken. Man, my Survivor standards are so low nowadays. I’m kind of disappointed in myself.
Joe, 26, is a real estate agent from Texas. He’s also something called a “Texas Cowboy”, which means that he gets to tell everyone how great the University of Texas is, or something. His bio is actually sort of boring. Did you know he enjoys running and playing football? I can’t wait to watch him on TV, doing all of these extremely interesting things!
JT, 24, is a cattle rancher and is also from Alabama. Everyone’s from Alabama or California this season, by the way. His bio would also like you to know that he does the actual cattle ranching (right? that’s a word?), but is also responsible for “all the paperwork and marketing associated with running the business” of cattle ranching. Rugged! Nothing like a dude who knows his way around an Excel Spreadsheet. Line forms to the left, ladies.
Sandy,53, is a bus driver from Louisville, KY. She is the state champion of the School Bus Rodeo, an event that I cannot believe that I have not attended. I mean, if the opportunity presented itself to go, would you not be jumping at the chance? I am not joking, I would totally go to one of these. Imagine, for a moment, what a School Bus Rodeo would even entail, let alone what it would take to win one. It boggles the mind.
Sierra, 23, is a model from Los Angeles. She’s apparently lived with “five catty models” before, and this is supposed to somehow help her succeed. I think she might be thinking of another show. She also moved to Taiwan when she was young, so she’s “used to living in places with no running water and filled with grime and bugs”. I guess we know for whom the residents of Taiwan will be cheering.
Spencer, 19, is a student at the University of Florida. He’s Survivor’s first teenaged contestant, and apparently a huge Survivor fan, of which I am skeptical, because we know that the “fans” from a couple of seasons ago were pretty damn underwhelming. If you can get on the show just by being a huge fan though, then call me, casting people!
Stephen, 29, is a corporate consultant in New York City. He apparently tells people that he resembles a Muppet, so at least we know he has a sense of humor about himself. I just hope it’s not that type of humor where he’s always mugging for the camera, all BJ and Tyler style. That shit is annoying.
Sydney, 24, is a model from North Carolina. She’s also an interior designer, but if you don’t have at least two models in a season, Jeff just quits showing up about two weeks in. And without Jeff, who will be around to berate the weak?
Taj, 37, used to be a member of SWV. Yeah, you remember, they sang that song “Weak” that you rocked on the school bus in elementary school? Admit it, that shit was awesome. Anyway, I have no idea what she is doing on this show, since she’s probably also a millionaire and is married to Eddie George, but whatever, I’m sure she’s figured out some way to tell everyone that performing with Milli Vanilli and Bel Biv Devoe prepared her somehow for this game.
Tyson, 29, is a professional cyclist, and he looks exactly like every That Guy With a North Face Jacket rolled into one. I bet he’s one of those guys who looks at you disapprovingly when you order a steak, because he’s a vegan or he doesn’t put those chemicals in his body or whatever. His favorite movie is “The Jerk”, though, so I guess he gets a few points for that. Still: I’m reserving judgment.
So, there you have it. I’ll be back starting Thursday with weekly recaps, including all the ridiculous out-of-line opinions you’ve somehow grown to embrace (and disagree with), for yet another season of this. Is it wrong that I’m still kind of psyched?