White Women Can’t Jump

The injuries just kept a-comin’ on this week’s episode of Survivor. Just when we thought Blake’s upper-respiratory ailment (medically termed, Respitoritus Pussyitis) had disappeared, here comes Amy and her newly twisted ankle. Unlike the wheezing pretty boy from Nakum, however, this broad was tough as nails, and if we have any luck, we might be seeing the second coming of Twila. Oh, who am I kidding? There’ll only ever be one Twila. I wonder what she and her sexy one-piece bathing suit are up to these days anyway. Okay, I’m getting sidetracked. Enough idle banter. Let’s recap!The big shew opened up on a veritable cornucopia of wildlife (excluding the old fave, Mr. Crab). Look! There’s a stork! And some little furry animals hopping around. And a parrot! And Lydia! Oh wait, she’s not a cute little Guatemalan creature. She’s a cast member. And one of my early favorites too. Anyway, we headed straight into the conflict as our favorite fishmonger (O.F.F.) told us that she wanted to get rid of Brianna. Brian, meanwhile, was still gloating over the previous night’s tribal council where Morgan was sent packing. “That was 100% me. I engineered Morgan’s ouster,” he gushed. And what a pivotal play that was! Wasn’t it? Eh, maybe not.

Over at Nakum, our boy Blake was breathing without the assistance of Nurse Margaret, but there was still quite a bit of monkey business about. Literally. You see, there was this one jackass monkey who was hanging out in the trees above the tribe, and it was like making noise and stuff. Stupid nature. Why can’t you be quiet when humans enter your habitat to film a reality show?

Anyway, poor Judd was going bananas with the monkey (yes, I will be making as many monkey puns as possible in the next paragraph or two). The sleep-deprived doorman went absolutely ape (I slay me) and complained that he wasn’t able to get two seconds of shut-eye. Luckily, zookeeper Cindy had happier commentary about their simian friend. “Even monkeys get lost in the jungle,” she said, “That ought to tell you something.” Uh, it tells us that monkeys are dumb? Monkeys have no navigational sense? Monkeys have never played Survivor? Looks like wilderness guide Rafe may have a new client!

While Cindy attempted to provide some sort of zoological context to the monkey’s plight, Judd simply wrote her off, hilariously calling her “Doctor Doolittle.” He then gave the royal finger to good grammar and declared, “I think it’s the most annoyingest noise I’ve ever heard in my entire life.” Early prediction: Judd will be the breakaway star of this cast.

For this week’s big reward challenge, teams had to build an archeologist tent and… that’s it. Wow, really running out of challenge ideas these days. Okay, to be fair, there was more than meets the eye. You see, this was one of my favorite motifs — the blindfolded, hurt-yourself challenge. Teams were blindfolded (except a caller) and then had to roam around an area and collect poles and tarps and other tent materials. You know, like any other archeologist.

Best Probst hat ever?

Jeff said that the tribes would play for blankets, pillows, lanterns, and a tarp, but if it were me, I’d give up all that good stuff if it meant I could win Probst’s groovy cowboy hat. Nevertheless, the challenge got underway, and it only took about three seconds before people were tripping and bumping into things. Danni took a few headers as Judd’s pole bonked her on the noggin a few times. If only she had a protective layer of abs on her head…

Meanwhile, secret quarterback Gary volunteered to be the caller for Yaxha, and wow, he was really effective. It’s almost as if he’s had some experience play-calling under pressure. You know, doing audibles and stuff. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that in a past life, he was probably a professional… landscaper.

Actually, Yaxha seemed to be awesome at the blind part of the challenge, especially Steph who probably could run Olympic hurdles blindfolded. Sure enough, the tribe collected all their materials first, which meant they could remove the blindfolds and start building. Unfortunately, their idea of construction was randomly attaching random things to other random things. Nakum therefore was able to catch up and surpass their rivals, ultimately winning the big reward. And, of course, this meant a full round of Bobby Jon jumping up and down like a freak, tackling random people, possibly shooting off a snot-rocket of joy.

Later, Steph complained about her tribe’s poor performance, saying, “It was like a big cluster-mess.” Cluster-mess? Is that what they say in Jersey? Maybe “mess” is the new “flip”. As in “Mess you!” or “You’re a mother-messer!” Meanwhile, Amy, looking sexay with her shirt casually draped over her exposed shoulder, explained that she would never give up the fight. “You’ll have to stick needles in my eyeballs. I will not give up!” Between Judd, Amy, Lydia, and Stephenie, this season should be way more enjoyable than it is. No disrespect Mr. Burnett. I still lovey my Survivor.

Meanwhile, over at Nakum, the intense Guatemalan heat was killing the tribe. It was too hot to work; so everyone lay out and tried to cool down. Amazingly, Blake didn’t devolve into a panting mess. With temperatures rising, a group of people decided to tempt fate and swim in the lake, despite the presence of crocodiles. Or was it alligators? Everyone kept saying alligators, but I’m pretty sure it’s crocs down in Guatemala.

Nevertheless, the first dumb person to jump in the lake was Bobby Jon (of course), but luckily for him and CBS, he was not eaten alive. Several others soon followed his lead, and I had to admit, even though I knew they’d be perfectly safe, the very idea of swimming in a croc-infested lake was a bit chilling for me. And by “chilling” I mean “stupid.”

Over at Yaxha, Briana seemed to be turning into this week’s Morgan as she announced to us, “I’m pulling my workload around camp.” It should be noted that she said this as we watched footage of her mashing about three kernels of corn. Well, that’s the very definition of workhorse, if you ask me. Meanwhile, alleged wilderness guide Rafe continued his culinary tour of Guatemala’s insects by dining on a nest of termites. (By the way, I just had a typo. I had written “termints”, which honestly would be a very interesting bug. All the nastiness of a termite with the refreshing taste of mint!) Nevertheless, Rafe’s final assessment of raw termites was positive. “I think they’re better than those ants we had,” he said. Wow, and I thought I had low standards.

At Nakum, now that afternoon Croc Swim had run its course, the tribe was trying to assemble a shelter with its new tarp. Margaret voiced her ideas for how it should be built, but clearly she didn’t realize her role was solely to provide unmitigated care to people with dubious breathing ailments. “You know, we don’t need a supervisor,” Bobby Jon complained to us, “This thing is supposed to be fun.” Yeah man! And to be fair, when Bobby Jon signed up for Survivor, it was mainly for the tarp experiences. “You just can’t tell grown men what to do all the time,” he later moaned. Okay. We’ll see what he has to say about Margaret the next time he’s lying out on the ground with his eyes rolling into his skull.

Bonus points for Judd, however, who summed up the whole Margaret experience quite well: “The only one who tells me what to do is my boss and my wife, and that’s it.” Judd’s awesome.

Anyway, tree mail eventually came for the tribes, and uh oh, it came with feathers, bands, and body paint. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s watching survivors paint themselves up. Not only do they often look ridiculous, but they seem kind of patronizing too. Danni painted an “88″ on her back, which was probably a shout out to her KC Chiefs, but, um, I’m pretty sure no ancient tribes had jersey numbers on their backs. Bobby Jon and Brian of course went nuts with the war paint but topping them was Blake who wrote “Texas” on his chest (again, very authentic to tribe culture) and then painted fake abs across his, uh, abs. You know, if you’ve got the real thing… Pretty much the only one who didn’t go nuts with the paint was Judd who limited himself to a few dollops here and there. Again, Judd’s coolness goes up.

Just like the Mayans.

After the rather mundane reward challenge, I was quite happy to see that this immunity challenge was not only original but looked super fun. It was Courtball, an ancient game that was basically a mix between basketball and ultimate frisbee, all on a raised net court. Teams would square off against each other in three-on-three matchups, and the first tribe to score five points would win immunity. First up were three guys from each team, and poor Rafe. Even with tribal paint, he still looked about as imposing as a kitten.

Nope, still not intimidating.

The scoring went back and forth, and different combos of players headed out on the court each time. Amy, sadly, looked like she twisted her ankle or something, but she still played hard. Less effective, however, was Brianna who literally just stood around without a clue. “Brianna, here!” yelled Amy, although it sounded more like “Brianna, heeeyaaah!!!” Alas, Brianna was dead weight.

Also having issues with the game was Lydia who went charging with the ball, a big no-no. “Lydia! NO! NO! NO!!!” yelled Jeff as if she were a toddler heading to an electrical outlet. Poor Lydia. Just a simple fishmonger. As for Gary, the tallest man of the season (and the only professional athlete), if he didn’t get his ball in the hoop, that would just be lame. Oh, and by the way, he didn’t get his ball in the hoop.

Jeff then gave us a temperature update: “Temperature update: 114 degrees.” Thanks Jeff! We then resumed the action, and with the score tied at 3-3, it was a nail-biter. “You guys are playing great!” lauded Jeff. Wow, somebody’s feeling super today!

The next round went to Nakum, putting them up 4-3. Then it was time for an all-ladies matchup. Before heading onto the court, Steph tried to teach Lydia and Brianna about the art of the pick, but unfortunately, this caused our cheery Jeff to turn snippy once again. “Let’s go! We’re not resting!” Looks like somebody wants to see some more great Courtball! Jeff’s totally signing up for DirecTV’s Courtball Total Choice package.

Well, Lydia may not have been the best athlete in the world, but she threw her heart into it, and she and Steph struggled against Nakum. Brianna, however, just hung out in the corner, not even attempting to get into the open. Come on, Brianna! Move your not-fat ass! Well, #88 Danni managed to score, leading Nakum to their second immunity in a row. Later, when Yaxha returned to camp, Steph lamented, “Why? Why just once can’t I be on a great tribe?” Wasn’t this the same girl who two weeks ago was saying how great her tribe was?

As for Amy, she limped on her sprained ankle but said she’d work through the pain. Why are tough, working-class women always so great on Survivor? She and Lydia should form a club with Twila. They could invite Deb from Australia, and maybe Sue Hawk, but she’s gotten really annoying in her reality star afterlife.

Anyway, intrigue soon grew around the camp. Who should go? Lydia? Brianna? Amy? As we pondered these questions, we then saw a closeup of a caterpillar moseying around some leaves. Aw, that’s cute. And completely random. Oh, but wait. Here comes a lizard and damn! That reptile just ate our caterpillar. That was sad. I really liked that little guy.

Back to the scheming. Jamie managed to summon up the intellectual strength to utter a sentence, and it was pretty good one. Regarding Brianna, “She annoys me. Not my type of girl. I like ‘em crazy and pretty. She’s neither.” Ouch. Sadly, Jamie did not follow this up with an air snap and a hand on the hip.

Brianna, meanwhile, made a casual plea to Stephenie: “I love this game. Why would I be here if I didn’t?” Uh, fame? Money? Playboy?

Finally, it was time for Tribal Council, and thankfully, asshole Jeff was back. I guess maybe his favorite Courtball team didn’t make the playoffs. It didn’t take long for him to take a swipe at our favorite fishmonger: “Lydia, I’ll give it to you. You were trying. I don’t know if you were much more effective than Brianna was. What do you think?” Then Jeff sharpened his knives for the hobbled Amy, asking, “How frustrating would it be to go out #3?” Alas, none of the tribe members took Probst’s bait, and they all reacted casually to his loaded questions. Dammit.

When it came time to vote, Jamie slammed Brianna once again, saying, “You’re a girly girl. You need to go back to the shopping mall, and you leave the jungle.” What if the shopping mall is in the jungle? Did you ever think of that?

Well, turns out a lot of people backed Jamie’s sentiments. Brianna was voted out four to one, with the last vote featuring a sad face. Who drew that? Rafe? Was that you? Actually, it was Steph. And speaking of Steph, it looks like she’s shocked by something next week as the previews feature her saying, “Oh. My. GAWWWWD!!!” I’m already intrigued.

I didn’t know Jamie Gertz was on Survivor!

What did you think about this episode? Should Brianna have been voted out?