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Monday, December 24, 2012
6:00 am
20 Comments
Tagged: funny, recap, spoof, susan boyle, TV, tvgasm, tvguide channel
Sorry you’re stuck in the projects, pasty losers! Maybe you should try having a DREEEEAAAMMMMM.
Susan’s friend tells us (from Susan’s favorite place, a bar) that Blackburn is a close knit community and people there look out for each other. At least I think that’s what she said. She sounds like a low rent Dinner Theater actress playing Eliza Doolittle in Act 1 of My Fair Lady. I’ve heard so many fake ass accents over the years that the real thing sounds marble mouthed and ridiculous. Shots of the neighborhood. I’m depressed. Everyone’s overweight and cold. And they give old ladies black eyes there!
Stop Senior Abuse
Susan goes back home for this special all dressed up and made over. Bad move, as you can see in the pic below. A jealous poor person chopped her hand right off.
Marble Mouthed Friend tells us that Susan was a gorgeous child with good hair. There were signs of deviancy though early on. Here’s a pic of her molesting a bear.
Someone’s been listening to Tommy too much.
Violin music starts to play. Susan comes on the screen and tells us that she had a slight disability as a child that made it hard to trust people. Disability? Being shy isn’t a goddamn DISABILITY. Man, it sure didn’t take her ass long to become American.
She says that her “disability” made it hard to make friends, cuz she couldn’t trust anyone. That led to people making fun of her. The violins swell. I feel bad for a second. Here’s a disabled person that’s always been made fun of and here I am making fun of her. But I have a disability too. I’m very, very bored. WAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Watch out. You’re hair’s about to bite your forehead off.
Performing saved Boyle’s life, k? She got her start by going to bars and doing Paula Poundstone routines.
When Poundstone’s alcohol and child abuse charges started flowing, the only other option was singing.
Singing in clubs attracted some super classy dudes to our lady.
Ernest Goes to Blackburn.
Susan’s mom died in 2007, and Boyle lost it. Aw. I will not make fun of that. After crying for a couple years, Susan finally went to her now infamous audition for Britain’s Got Talent. The hosts say that when they first met her they said “uh oh another one of those.” Funny, cuz that’s what I said when I saw them. They meant “crazy person”, I meant “hacks relegated to reality hosting because their fart app didn’t get approved in the app store”.
Pull my finger.
20 Comments
Flipit:
You’re so funny.
I watched the Susan B/Britain’s Got Talent clip 3Xs!
Merry Christmas, Mister.
Flipit,
Why don’t you have TV show? You’re funnier than The Soup!
“This should be the album cover”
I know that people often comment to say something made them spit whatever they were eating/drinking out all over their computer, and that had never happened to me before UNTIL NOW!
Flipit = my hero!
“After crying for a couple of years”…”a slightly thinner Rosie.” Comedy gold. I don’t need to do crunches tonight–gettin’ all the ab work I need right here!
You show know better that to attack a person look or weight as an easy way to entertain yourself.
Your smarter than that, so don’t go for giant fish in the barrel.
Mean isn’t clever.
Funny.
Clinton, I resent the ‘giant fish’ crack.
I happen to have a giant fish and I can tell you he didn’t choose to be that way. It’s a debilitating disorder with consequences for both his family and society as a whole.
Besides, this woman only got famous BECAUSE she’s a ugly dumpy troll who sings like 97 percent of the frumpy spinster shower-singers in the world.
Recognize that when you read one of flipit’s recaps, you are in the presence of a true Artist, the GOD of all recaps.
So have some respect- put your kipah back on and ask yourself, “What would Jeebus do?”
Also: PMDD? Huh? Is it contagious?
Okay, that was hysterical! I was waiting for the mean jokes… but they never came. So, congrats for being really funny without being mean.
FYI, just for the future, Susan Boyle was deprived of oxygen at birth and has brain damage as a result. One of the biggest effects is a problem expressing herself verbally in certain circumstances. So she does have a disability that has significant effects on a daily basis – but she’s done remarkably well anyway.
Thanks for the laughs!
Guys thanks so much for reading! This was a fun one. I think I will write a couple more random shows up this week, so if there’s some crap special or something you wanna see covered (that’s not two hours) tell me here in the comments and I will get on it.
As for being rude about fat, yes I get that it’s offensive and low brow. There’s a fine line between being fun evil and evil hell evil evil. If I crossed it a little, I apologize, but man we haven’t really let Susan Boyle have it yet on TVGasm and I thought it might hurt her feelings to be left out. Ha. I am making no sense. Thanks again for reading, and get your recap requests in fast if you have them. xo
Guess I’m tardy to the party!!! I love your xmas bon mots, Flip!!! You’re ever so graciously kind to us here gasmi!!! I’m very excited to have someone almost 50 break records for sales . . . . Go S-bo!!!!
And Flip it, be honest, did you get the CD?! I haven’t but I thought the snippet of Wild Horses was B-U-tiful, and I sent it to me mom’s for xmas, she likes all that show tune stuff. Me, I just keep getting punches in my gay card, going all the way back to the classic musicals, but collecting more for Chicago, and Moulin Rouge and soon to be Nine . . . what kinda gay am i?
If I think of any specials, I shall return!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
ps. You could document your own xmas celebration, I’m sure that would be a hoot!
Holy Crap, Flipit! I wish I had read this on Monday when I was in a craptacular mood! You are so fucking funny I just gave myself a disability from laughing so hard.
I freaking LOVE Chess!!! Did you know the guys from ABBA wrote the music? You probably did.
Anyway, thanks for giving my stonach a workout – now I can skip the situps and go stuff MY fat face!
Love You!
SWAK, PottyMouth
Oh Flipines, the line “Watch out. You’re hair’s about to bite your forehead off” cracked me up and I couldn’t laugh out loud because hubby is snoozing next to me. I had to LITERALLY cover my mouth with my hand to hold in my giggles.
After I pressed “submit comment”, the screen popped up to the top of the recap and I saw that Amazon is advertising Susan Boyle’s “The Gift”, her “new album of holiday songs and modern classics”. Wait. Is there such a thing as a modern classic??? Isn’t that an oxymoron?
Anywhoodle, coinkidinky nonetheless.
What I want to know is, how did everyone comment on Dec 23, 2009? That is crazay.
Also…..”One of the biggest effects is a problem expressing herself verbally in certain circumstances. So she does have a disability that has significant effects on a daily basis….”
If that’s true, then most people I know are disabled. :O
Nikki: I believe the word you are looking for is craycray. The other word you are looking for is rerun
Even year-old Flipit is fresh as a daisy.
I loved this! The Rosie and Jack Black references had me dying. And the Little Cesears comment. Ha! All the teens and tweens in my neighborhood come home with small pies and bookbags. Damn you Little Cesears for putting a restaurant in my already obese neighborhood! And for not delivering.
This is such a classic, it should be viewed every Christmas along with “A Christmas Story”, Rudolph, etc. And I think we as a nation gained weight the moment Susan Boyle came on the scene.
@Zbird: Thanks! I thought that it might be, but I didn’t see a disclosure anywhere…..and apparently I didn’t read it last year b/c I have no interest in this woman. However I must say, it was quite a hysterical read. I HEART FLIPIT.
FlipIt, i just found that Cameron Macintosh was found suffocated by a Patti LuPone album cover dressed in a business suit and bruges…ok perhaps i Dreamed a Dream of my own, but it COULD have happened…
You are the funny MASTER! Kudos! As a large teethed Brit myself, i’m proud of Susan and her disability (oxygen deprivation, yup that’s about as English as it gets-soccer balls to the head during PE) and it gives hope to us aesthetically-challenged, well spoken English folk (until you hear someone from Blackburn talk)
“Then Simon gave her that same look he gave Fantasia when she showed up back on American Idol cracked out and dressed like Ronald McDonald to sing some super crappy song off of her second album fail.”
I remember that so vividly!! It’s one of those things when I’m old and senile I’ll still remember, but not my kids’ names.
So wait, we’re still supposed to care about Susan Boyle? Are there fans of this woman? Who really buys / downloads her music? I just don’t get it. She’s as if Blues Traveler featured themselves in the Runaround video.