Susan was nervous, and she dealt with the nerves by getting “cheeky” with the judges. Oh dear, I forgot about the groin swivel.
This should be the album cover.
Then Simon gave her that same look he gave Fantasia when she showed up back on American Idol cracked out and dressed like Ronald McDonald to sing some super crappy song off of her second album fail.
Shots of the audience rolling their eyes in disgust as she tells the judges she wants to be a professional singer.
How’s that glass house workin out for ya, fuggles?
Simon tells us that he heard the disgust in the audience behind him and knew that they were out for blood. Piers says he couldn’t believe that this woman was so delusional as to think she could be Elaine Paige. The audience went nuts for her, and the judges all got tingles. Both because her voice was stellar, and also because it was a rare instant where the cynical judgmental nastiness the world’s citizens have taken on as passable personalities was tuned on its ass for three minutes. That was a great moment. I cried. Then ate a lot. Then watched it again. Kinda cried again. Then ate more. I can’t explain it, but that moment both inspired me and made me gain a shit load of weight. For those of you who missed it, here’s the YouTube clip of it.
Back to the studio. Susan comes out to sing her first song and holy makeover. She looks less like a chunky Donny Osmand now and more like a thinner Rosie. Trying to poop after a week of being constipated.
Koosh balls for everyone!
The song is about how it’s her turn to fly and she’s now who she was born to be. I’m a star now so I can finally be happy!! Sounds about right to me. I will suffer from manic depression until I book a commercial.
Piers tells her what an amazing job she’s done and how gorgeous she is. That’s a long way from the look he gave her when he first laid eyes on her, two faced sherbet bastard!!
Did you guys know that Susan sold more than 4.5 million albums in two weeks? HOLY MOLY!! Meemaws across the world must be pissing themselves right now. I Dreamed a Dream is their All the Single Ladies.
So Susan, how does it feel living the DREAM? Why, bloody fantastic! She tells Piers about how she’s getting banged by lots of dudes under fifty these days with all their teeth and she’s never been so horny in her life. OK she doesn’t, but you know she wanted to.
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit