These flowers are SUFFOCATING MEEEEE!
Simon says that watching her breakdown in the weeks after the show made him rethink what he was doing with himself. Sure, he’s a hit producer, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel things! And by feel things, I mean he saw a way to make a quadrillion dollars off her crazy ass. He told her to wipe her tears and get her buns into the studio so he could record her album. The only thing she had to do was promise to either stand behind a really big ficus in her photo shoot, wear a paper bag over her head, or cup 1/2 her face with her hands.
Elaine Paige comes up on the screen and holy Rod Stewart!
I have crabs.
She was honored that Susan wanted to be as famous as her. So honored that she’s here tonight to sing a duet! I have my fingers crossed for Forever Young. NOPE! I Know Him So Well from Chess. LOVE THIS SONG! Have you guys seen Chess? They showed it on PBS, but it starred Josh Grobin so I had to turn it off. That is definitely a face for radio.
Elaine Paige can still sing her balls off, and Susan kicks ass too. Susan has a little problem with rhythm, but she’s whiter than zit puss, so it’s forgivable. Actually, it’s a huge problem. Dang girl count!! It might be that she’s singing with Rod Stewart. Anyone would be scared. That they would be infected with something.
AW! Wait…I itch.
Back to the bio part. After Susan got off the floor and dropped the bottle and got a prescription for lithium, she started to get better. Simon was excited about making a record, and Susan took to it. Simon says that Susan Boyle was definitely right to DREAM A DREAM!! He says he’s ashamed of himself for how judgmental he was before he heard her sing. Not that he’s gonna change that shit, cuz his shitty judgmental attitude has bought him many houses and women.
Montage of Susan’s fairy tale instafame in America with millions of fans. I could go into detail, but it’s basically a lot of this:
Susan was even surprised by a visit from her idol, Donny Osmand!! They sang together in her hotel room and then made out. It’s gross and touching. Now Susan is gonna sing Cry Me a River! Funny, cuz that’s what I was humming as I wrote about her “disability”. She handles this one really well, as she does. She even stays on the beat! Honestly, it’s a little lifeless and boring for me, but it might be because I had a valium and a glass of wine for dinner. It’s called a diet, ok? She has a new hairstyle, and no longer looks like a chunky unkept Donnie Osmand or a thinner constipated Rosie O’Donnell. She’s moved on to a pensive, clean cut Jack Black.