Susan Boyle: I Dreamed a Dream (of Choking a Talented Iranian Child to Death)

Recaps

By Flipit | Monday, December 24, 2012 | 6:00 am | 20 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , ,
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

These flowers are SUFFOCATING MEEEEE!

 

 

Simon says that watching her breakdown in the weeks after the show made him rethink what he was doing with himself. Sure, he’s a hit producer, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel things! And by feel things, I mean he saw a way to make a quadrillion dollars off her crazy ass. He told her to wipe her tears and get her buns into the studio so he could record her album. The only thing she had to do was promise to either stand behind a really big ficus in her photo shoot, wear a paper bag over her head, or cup 1/2 her face with her hands.

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C

Elaine Paige comes up on the screen and holy Rod Stewart!

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I have crabs.

She was honored that Susan wanted to be as famous as her. So honored that she’s here tonight to sing a duet! I have my fingers crossed for Forever Young. NOPE! I Know Him So Well from Chess. LOVE THIS SONG! Have you guys seen Chess? They showed it on PBS, but it starred Josh Grobin so I had to turn it off. That is definitely a face for radio.

Elaine Paige can still sing her balls off, and Susan kicks ass too. Susan has a little problem with rhythm, but she’s whiter than zit puss, so it’s forgivable. Actually, it’s a huge problem. Dang girl count!! It might be that she’s singing with Rod Stewart. Anyone would be scared. That they would be infected with something.

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AW! Wait…I itch.

Back to the bio part. After Susan got off the floor and dropped the bottle and got a prescription for lithium, she started to get better. Simon was excited about making a record, and Susan took to it. Simon says that Susan Boyle was definitely right to DREAM A DREAM!! He says he’s ashamed of himself for how judgmental he was before he heard her sing. Not that he’s gonna change that shit, cuz his shitty judgmental attitude has bought him many houses and women.

Idols Gone Wild Ryan And Simon 3

Montage of Susan’s fairy tale instafame in America with millions of fans. I could go into detail, but it’s basically a lot of this:

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Susan was even surprised by a visit from her idol, Donny Osmand!! They sang together in her hotel room and then made out. It’s gross and touching. Now Susan is gonna sing Cry Me a River! Funny, cuz that’s what I was humming as I wrote about her “disability”. She handles this one really well, as she does. She even stays on the beat! Honestly, it’s a little lifeless and boring for me, but it might be because I had a valium and a glass of wine for dinner. It’s called a diet, ok? She has a new hairstyle, and no longer looks like a chunky unkept Donnie Osmand or a thinner constipated Rosie O’Donnell. She’s moved on to a pensive, clean cut Jack Black.

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Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

20 Comments

  1. 1
    Mr Dangerous
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    Flipit:

    You’re so funny.

    I watched the Susan B/Britain’s Got Talent clip 3Xs!

    Merry Christmas, Mister.

  2. 2
    DonnaRonna
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    Flipit,

    Why don’t you have TV show? You’re funnier than The Soup!

  3. 3
    FinerThings
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    “This should be the album cover”

    I know that people often comment to say something made them spit whatever they were eating/drinking out all over their computer, and that had never happened to me before UNTIL NOW!

    Flipit = my hero!

  4. 4
    sexypanda
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    “After crying for a couple of years”…”a slightly thinner Rosie.” Comedy gold. I don’t need to do crunches tonight–gettin’ all the ab work I need right here!

  5. 5
    clinton903
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    You show know better that to attack a person look or weight as an easy way to entertain yourself.

    Your smarter than that, so don’t go for giant fish in the barrel.

    Mean isn’t clever.

  6. 6
    fire@will
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    Funny.

  7. 7
    itchy
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    Clinton, I resent the ‘giant fish’ crack.

    I happen to have a giant fish and I can tell you he didn’t choose to be that way. It’s a debilitating disorder with consequences for both his family and society as a whole.

    Besides, this woman only got famous BECAUSE she’s a ugly dumpy troll who sings like 97 percent of the frumpy spinster shower-singers in the world.

    Recognize that when you read one of flipit’s recaps, you are in the presence of a true Artist, the GOD of all recaps.

    So have some respect- put your kipah back on and ask yourself, “What would Jeebus do?”

    Also: PMDD? Huh? Is it contagious?

  8. 8
    maria
    Posted December 19, 2009 at 2:46 am

    Okay, that was hysterical! I was waiting for the mean jokes… but they never came. So, congrats for being really funny without being mean. :)

    FYI, just for the future, Susan Boyle was deprived of oxygen at birth and has brain damage as a result. One of the biggest effects is a problem expressing herself verbally in certain circumstances. So she does have a disability that has significant effects on a daily basis – but she’s done remarkably well anyway. :)

    Thanks for the laughs! :)

  9. 9
    flipit
    Posted December 19, 2009 at 11:47 am

    Guys thanks so much for reading! This was a fun one. I think I will write a couple more random shows up this week, so if there’s some crap special or something you wanna see covered (that’s not two hours) tell me here in the comments and I will get on it.
    As for being rude about fat, yes I get that it’s offensive and low brow. There’s a fine line between being fun evil and evil hell evil evil. If I crossed it a little, I apologize, but man we haven’t really let Susan Boyle have it yet on TVGasm and I thought it might hurt her feelings to be left out. Ha. I am making no sense. Thanks again for reading, and get your recap requests in fast if you have them. xo

  10. 10
    juddfan
    Posted December 21, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    Guess I’m tardy to the party!!! I love your xmas bon mots, Flip!!! You’re ever so graciously kind to us here gasmi!!! I’m very excited to have someone almost 50 break records for sales . . . . Go S-bo!!!!

    And Flip it, be honest, did you get the CD?! I haven’t but I thought the snippet of Wild Horses was B-U-tiful, and I sent it to me mom’s for xmas, she likes all that show tune stuff. Me, I just keep getting punches in my gay card, going all the way back to the classic musicals, but collecting more for Chicago, and Moulin Rouge and soon to be Nine . . . what kinda gay am i?

    If I think of any specials, I shall return!

    XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

    ps. You could document your own xmas celebration, I’m sure that would be a hoot!

  11. 11
    PottyMouth
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    Holy Crap, Flipit! I wish I had read this on Monday when I was in a craptacular mood! You are so fucking funny I just gave myself a disability from laughing so hard.

    I freaking LOVE Chess!!! Did you know the guys from ABBA wrote the music? You probably did.

    Anyway, thanks for giving my stonach a workout – now I can skip the situps and go stuff MY fat face!

    Love You!
    SWAK, PottyMouth

  12. 12
    Clair Clair
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 10:26 am

    Oh Flipines, the line “Watch out. You’re hair’s about to bite your forehead off” cracked me up and I couldn’t laugh out loud because hubby is snoozing next to me. I had to LITERALLY cover my mouth with my hand to hold in my giggles.

  13. 13
    Clair Clair
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 10:30 am

    After I pressed “submit comment”, the screen popped up to the top of the recap and I saw that Amazon is advertising Susan Boyle’s “The Gift”, her “new album of holiday songs and modern classics”. Wait. Is there such a thing as a modern classic??? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

    Anywhoodle, coinkidinky nonetheless.

  14. 14
    Nikki Hughes
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 11:11 am

    What I want to know is, how did everyone comment on Dec 23, 2009? That is crazay.

    Also…..”One of the biggest effects is a problem expressing herself verbally in certain circumstances. So she does have a disability that has significant effects on a daily basis….”
    If that’s true, then most people I know are disabled. :O

  15. 15
    Zbird
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    Nikki: I believe the word you are looking for is craycray. The other word you are looking for is rerun :) Even year-old Flipit is fresh as a daisy.

  16. 16
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    I loved this! The Rosie and Jack Black references had me dying. And the Little Cesears comment. Ha! All the teens and tweens in my neighborhood come home with small pies and bookbags. Damn you Little Cesears for putting a restaurant in my already obese neighborhood! And for not delivering.

  17. 17
    Lora
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    This is such a classic, it should be viewed every Christmas along with “A Christmas Story”, Rudolph, etc. And I think we as a nation gained weight the moment Susan Boyle came on the scene.

  18. 18
    Nikki Hughes
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 11:14 am

    @Zbird: Thanks! I thought that it might be, but I didn’t see a disclosure anywhere…..and apparently I didn’t read it last year b/c I have no interest in this woman. However I must say, it was quite a hysterical read. I HEART FLIPIT.

  19. 19
    dazzyfresh
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    FlipIt, i just found that Cameron Macintosh was found suffocated by a Patti LuPone album cover dressed in a business suit and bruges…ok perhaps i Dreamed a Dream of my own, but it COULD have happened…

    You are the funny MASTER! Kudos! As a large teethed Brit myself, i’m proud of Susan and her disability (oxygen deprivation, yup that’s about as English as it gets-soccer balls to the head during PE) and it gives hope to us aesthetically-challenged, well spoken English folk (until you hear someone from Blackburn talk)

  20. 20
    sardini
    Posted December 30, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    “Then Simon gave her that same look he gave Fantasia when she showed up back on American Idol cracked out and dressed like Ronald McDonald to sing some super crappy song off of her second album fail.”

    I remember that so vividly!! It’s one of those things when I’m old and senile I’ll still remember, but not my kids’ names.

    So wait, we’re still supposed to care about Susan Boyle? Are there fans of this woman? Who really buys / downloads her music? I just don’t get it. She’s as if Blues Traveler featured themselves in the Runaround video.

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