Susan Boyle: I Dreamed a Dream (of Choking a Talented Iranian Child to Death)

Recaps

By Flipit | Monday, December 24, 2012 | 6:00 am | 20 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , ,
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

***Another Christmastime rerun! It’s the Susan Boyle Christmas Special! AW!

It’s Christmastime! That means there ain’t crap on TV. Actually, scratch that. It means there’s ONLY crap on TV. But there’s no good reason not to watch it!! Enter TVGuide Channel with the story of the year. It’s about how a face like this….

200912171842

….did this…

200912171842-1

Christmas Miracle!!

 

All I really know about Susan Boyle is that she looks like a chunky, unkept Donny Osmand and became an international sensation for singing a Patti LuPone song. Since it’s always been my dream to become an international sensation for singing like Patti LuPone, I thought this might be one biography I should snuggle up with this holiday season. Join me, won’t you?

 

Big gold letters splash up on the screen telling us that DREAMS. CAN. COME. TRUE!! TONIGHT. SUSUAN BOYLE. LIVES. THAT. DREAM!!!! Well, who hasn’t dreamt of having their biography shown on the TVGuide Channel? Glad to see someone get their chance. Now is Divine Design a rerun tonight or not? I don’t know. Because the TV listings aren’t showing. RIP OFF!! My dream was to watch Divine Design tonight and now I’ll never know when it’s on. Susan Boyle has killed the dream I dreamed.

Hey, you know when I said that Susan Boyle looks like a fat unkept Donny Osmand? Look what pic just popped up!!

200912171847

LOLOLLLLLLLL!! Tell me I’m wrong.

 

 

 

 

Guess what this special is called? I Dreamed a Dream! Duh. I think they should have called it Photoshop Overkill: How to Go From Dowdy to Just Kinda Dowdy in Six Months.

200912171851

Home Alone: The Golden Years

 

Whatever you do, Boyle, don’t use that pic on Match.com. If you’ve got five necks and rooster jowls, guys wanna know that shit up front. Hey! You’re a star now and we’re gonna put your face on billboards across America! Just hide half of it. Love ya mean it.

This is a live show with an audience and everything!! WOWEEE! The host is Piers Morgan. If he doesn’t tell me what time Divine Design is on I’m gonna be super pissed. He looks like a big bowl of orange sherbet.

200912171854

How come spray tans don’t work on British People?

Piers tells us that Susan Boyle had a lurid sexual affair and a crack addiction. Kidding!! She had a DREAM!!! Let’s see where it began.

200912171906

Like any good star, Boyle’s life began in the projects. Who says those places are good for nothing? I’m kinda jealous that I was raised in the middle class.

200912171859

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6
Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

20 Comments

  1. 1
    Mr Dangerous
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    Flipit:

    You’re so funny.

    I watched the Susan B/Britain’s Got Talent clip 3Xs!

    Merry Christmas, Mister.

  2. 2
    DonnaRonna
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    Flipit,

    Why don’t you have TV show? You’re funnier than The Soup!

  3. 3
    FinerThings
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    “This should be the album cover”

    I know that people often comment to say something made them spit whatever they were eating/drinking out all over their computer, and that had never happened to me before UNTIL NOW!

    Flipit = my hero!

  4. 4
    sexypanda
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    “After crying for a couple of years”…”a slightly thinner Rosie.” Comedy gold. I don’t need to do crunches tonight–gettin’ all the ab work I need right here!

  5. 5
    clinton903
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    You show know better that to attack a person look or weight as an easy way to entertain yourself.

    Your smarter than that, so don’t go for giant fish in the barrel.

    Mean isn’t clever.

  6. 6
    fire@will
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    Funny.

  7. 7
    itchy
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    Clinton, I resent the ‘giant fish’ crack.

    I happen to have a giant fish and I can tell you he didn’t choose to be that way. It’s a debilitating disorder with consequences for both his family and society as a whole.

    Besides, this woman only got famous BECAUSE she’s a ugly dumpy troll who sings like 97 percent of the frumpy spinster shower-singers in the world.

    Recognize that when you read one of flipit’s recaps, you are in the presence of a true Artist, the GOD of all recaps.

    So have some respect- put your kipah back on and ask yourself, “What would Jeebus do?”

    Also: PMDD? Huh? Is it contagious?

  8. 8
    maria
    Posted December 19, 2009 at 2:46 am

    Okay, that was hysterical! I was waiting for the mean jokes… but they never came. So, congrats for being really funny without being mean. :)

    FYI, just for the future, Susan Boyle was deprived of oxygen at birth and has brain damage as a result. One of the biggest effects is a problem expressing herself verbally in certain circumstances. So she does have a disability that has significant effects on a daily basis – but she’s done remarkably well anyway. :)

    Thanks for the laughs! :)

  9. 9
    flipit
    Posted December 19, 2009 at 11:47 am

    Guys thanks so much for reading! This was a fun one. I think I will write a couple more random shows up this week, so if there’s some crap special or something you wanna see covered (that’s not two hours) tell me here in the comments and I will get on it.
    As for being rude about fat, yes I get that it’s offensive and low brow. There’s a fine line between being fun evil and evil hell evil evil. If I crossed it a little, I apologize, but man we haven’t really let Susan Boyle have it yet on TVGasm and I thought it might hurt her feelings to be left out. Ha. I am making no sense. Thanks again for reading, and get your recap requests in fast if you have them. xo

  10. 10
    juddfan
    Posted December 21, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    Guess I’m tardy to the party!!! I love your xmas bon mots, Flip!!! You’re ever so graciously kind to us here gasmi!!! I’m very excited to have someone almost 50 break records for sales . . . . Go S-bo!!!!

    And Flip it, be honest, did you get the CD?! I haven’t but I thought the snippet of Wild Horses was B-U-tiful, and I sent it to me mom’s for xmas, she likes all that show tune stuff. Me, I just keep getting punches in my gay card, going all the way back to the classic musicals, but collecting more for Chicago, and Moulin Rouge and soon to be Nine . . . what kinda gay am i?

    If I think of any specials, I shall return!

    XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

    ps. You could document your own xmas celebration, I’m sure that would be a hoot!

  11. 11
    PottyMouth
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    Holy Crap, Flipit! I wish I had read this on Monday when I was in a craptacular mood! You are so fucking funny I just gave myself a disability from laughing so hard.

    I freaking LOVE Chess!!! Did you know the guys from ABBA wrote the music? You probably did.

    Anyway, thanks for giving my stonach a workout – now I can skip the situps and go stuff MY fat face!

    Love You!
    SWAK, PottyMouth

  12. 12
    Clair Clair
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 10:26 am

    Oh Flipines, the line “Watch out. You’re hair’s about to bite your forehead off” cracked me up and I couldn’t laugh out loud because hubby is snoozing next to me. I had to LITERALLY cover my mouth with my hand to hold in my giggles.

  13. 13
    Clair Clair
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 10:30 am

    After I pressed “submit comment”, the screen popped up to the top of the recap and I saw that Amazon is advertising Susan Boyle’s “The Gift”, her “new album of holiday songs and modern classics”. Wait. Is there such a thing as a modern classic??? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

    Anywhoodle, coinkidinky nonetheless.

  14. 14
    Nikki Hughes
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 11:11 am

    What I want to know is, how did everyone comment on Dec 23, 2009? That is crazay.

    Also…..”One of the biggest effects is a problem expressing herself verbally in certain circumstances. So she does have a disability that has significant effects on a daily basis….”
    If that’s true, then most people I know are disabled. :O

  15. 15
    Zbird
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    Nikki: I believe the word you are looking for is craycray. The other word you are looking for is rerun :) Even year-old Flipit is fresh as a daisy.

  16. 16
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    I loved this! The Rosie and Jack Black references had me dying. And the Little Cesears comment. Ha! All the teens and tweens in my neighborhood come home with small pies and bookbags. Damn you Little Cesears for putting a restaurant in my already obese neighborhood! And for not delivering.

  17. 17
    Lora
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    This is such a classic, it should be viewed every Christmas along with “A Christmas Story”, Rudolph, etc. And I think we as a nation gained weight the moment Susan Boyle came on the scene.

  18. 18
    Nikki Hughes
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 11:14 am

    @Zbird: Thanks! I thought that it might be, but I didn’t see a disclosure anywhere…..and apparently I didn’t read it last year b/c I have no interest in this woman. However I must say, it was quite a hysterical read. I HEART FLIPIT.

  19. 19
    dazzyfresh
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    FlipIt, i just found that Cameron Macintosh was found suffocated by a Patti LuPone album cover dressed in a business suit and bruges…ok perhaps i Dreamed a Dream of my own, but it COULD have happened…

    You are the funny MASTER! Kudos! As a large teethed Brit myself, i’m proud of Susan and her disability (oxygen deprivation, yup that’s about as English as it gets-soccer balls to the head during PE) and it gives hope to us aesthetically-challenged, well spoken English folk (until you hear someone from Blackburn talk)

  20. 20
    sardini
    Posted December 30, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    “Then Simon gave her that same look he gave Fantasia when she showed up back on American Idol cracked out and dressed like Ronald McDonald to sing some super crappy song off of her second album fail.”

    I remember that so vividly!! It’s one of those things when I’m old and senile I’ll still remember, but not my kids’ names.

    So wait, we’re still supposed to care about Susan Boyle? Are there fans of this woman? Who really buys / downloads her music? I just don’t get it. She’s as if Blues Traveler featured themselves in the Runaround video.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.