SYTYCD: A Steaming Plate of MEH

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me Gasmi.  Am I just in a really foul mood this week?  Maybe I’m PMSing and I didn’t realize it.  Or maybe, juuuuuust maybe the dances this week were are boring and bland as I originally thought they were.

Whatcha tryin to say?  Huh? Huh?

Oh Cat, you know I always love YOU.

Even when you decide to dress like a bedazzled feather duster.

See what happens when I compliment her ONE TIME on her wardrobe?  Oh wait.  She dresses like shit 98% of the time regardless of what I say.  Never mind.

So we have our usual dancer intro, blabbity, blah blah, and Cat tells us that each couple is going to dance two routines.  The pressure is on because this week determines the uber important top ten which we all know means tour (which you can still be on if Nigel loves you enough even though you didn’t make top ten).  Next week there will be no shielding of dancers by their partners as the voting goes to individuals.

But enough talk of next week; we still have to get through this round.  Let’s meet the judges!  Four seems to be the new magical number, with one useless celebrity guest judge spot up for grabs.  This week Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Mitchell from Modern Family) scores that spot.

I’m hoping he’s at least funny because I absolutely love that show and he never fails to crack me up on it.  Also?  I recently saw the cast on Inside the Actor’s Studio and they were funny as shit, so I have high hopes that he’s not just funny because he’s written that way.

Filling the last seat is Sonya.  I’m cautiously happy about her inclusion.  When she’s not off in dippy land I really like what she has to say, and she’s less apt to sugar coat crap so that’s always a plus in my book.

Cat tells Jesse they’re excited to have him on the panel and he is stoked to be here.  He says he is a huge fan of the show.  Plus he did a little B’way, and he also did three years in theme park.  Ha!  Cat wonders what role he played, but he illuminates her to something most of us already know: in theme parks it’s general dancers performing in shows called Celebrate! The Country Connection.

Or, Have You Seen My Pride?

Seriously, those shows are some of the cheesiest you could ever perform in.  At least on a cruise you get to travel around the world.  Or the Caribbean.  But you get to travel!

Since each couple is dancing twice this time around, there is NO TIME for filler.  Sorry, ohhhyeah!  I will NOT be making any statements about missing said filler (even if I do) now that I know someone will feel compelled to use it against me in future recaps.  PS:  I did not miss the filler.  For real.  I am not lying because I said I would lie.

The first couple of the evening will be Sasha and Alexander.  They will be performing a paso doble choreographed by Tony and Melanie.  Yay, Melanie!!

No autographs please!

Melanie tells us this is not a typical paso, it’s a battle of love and hate and masculinity and femininity.  It’s a battle dance, and Sasha tells us she’s going to beat his ass.

Eh.  It was okay.  I actually think Alexander did a better job in the style here than Sasha did.  I think his ballet training really helped him in portrayed the paso.  Sasha felt really sloppy to me.  They missed a few of their holds, and it looked to me that it was more on her end than his.  Not terrible, but nothing to get excited over either.

And the kiss?  Complete bullshit.  I don’t know whether it was choreographed or improvised, but UGH.  Completely unnecessary and annoying.

What’s up with that kiss?

Nigel wants to know if it was choreographed, or did they just feel like doing it.  Sasha giggles that she doesn’t know really, it just sort of happened.

So last week she looks like he annoys her to no end, and this week she’s all kissy and giggly?  It obviously wasn’t choreographed or she just would have said it.  Listen, I could give a rat’s ass if they’re playing hide the salami, just don’t fuck around in the dancing, mmmkay?

Nigel thinks Tony and Melanie did a really great routine and really used Sasha’s strength to their advantage in the routine.  He thought Alexander would have a hard time keeping up with Sasha, but he did.  And then he tells Sasha she did brilliantly.  I completely disagree for reasons already discussed.

Mary talks about how the days are over when the girl is simply the cape.  She can be the bull.  She can be the matador.  She can be the cape.  She tells Sasha she portrayed it all in that routine.  She tells Sasha she is so fearess in this competition.  Fearess?

What?  That’s a word.

She also thinks Alexander had a breakthrough with this performance tonight, although she agrees with Nigel that it got a little sloppy at the end.  They both need glasses; it w sloppy throughout and she contributed to it.

Jesse says it was highly dramatical and he loved every moment.  He says he knew they had a little problem in rehearsal because Sasha’s bra was falling off, but he’s glad to see they’ve locked those puppies away for the evening.

My poor eyes.

He talks about how he watches the show at home and how Sasha is always a pillar of strength.  He was a little worried about Alexander, thinking that she was going to be dragging him all over the stage.  But he really kept up with her here and came up to her level.

Sonya tells them she is all about strong women.  DUH.  So naturally she is all about Sasha.  She tells Sasha that she rocks her socks on a regular basis.  She believes that Sasha really indulges in her strength and dies for it every time she hits the stage.  I don’t disagree with Sonya, but unlike her, I don’t necessarily think that’s always a good thing to be so indulgent.

Before Cat can give the numbers, Alexander wants to tell everyone that Tony and Melanie are dedicating this dance to their friend Bob that is fighting cancer.  I immediately wonder who is supposed to be Bob and who is the cancer.

Stripperella and Tadd are up next.  It looks like Nigel granted Travis’ request as he will be working with them on a contemporary piece.  This dance is a metaphor of the women who take advantage of weak men; Stripperella will be a vulture, Tadd a deserted wanderer.

I’m a little torn about this piece.  I actually really like the style a lot, but it felt SOOOOOOOOOO long.  It felt to me like it lasted forever which made me like it less than I would have, but I don’t know if that’s really the dance itself or the music Travis selected.  Regardless, I think this is one of their better routines in the show thus far, even if Travis had Stripperella’s leg up in the air for 75% of the fucking thing.

Mary thinks it was beautiful, dark and magnificent.  She tells Travis he outdid himself again and tells Tadd it is no surprise to her how awesome he was tonight.  She tells Stripperella she demolished it; you don’t get much better than that.

Jesse says that Travis has taken the classic vulture stalks boy, boy almost succumbs to vulture, boy kills vulture story that we all know so well, we’ve all seen it over and over and he took it and made it this brilliant, beautiful thing.

Can we keep him?

He tells the other judges that they have all been so vocal about the girls in the competition this year and they are amazing, but what just happened with Tadd there proves that the guys are in it to win it.  And then he says it again after saying he’s borrowing from another reality show.  I have no idea what he’s referencing.

Sonya really wishes she could swear.

Suddenly I wish I could watch the show with Sonya every week.

Can you imagine?  Cat begs her not to; it’s bad enough that she has to cope with kissing.  Oh Cat, the kissing is infinitely worse than any swearing could be; you and I both know that.  Sonya says that this is the true artistry that makes you want to cry.  Sad dances make her cry too, but this?  Unstoppable, both of them.

Nigel loves the happy little story it was.  He calls it the story of Thanksgiving.

You eat vultures here in the colonies, right?

He thinks it was remarkable.  The fact that Travis can take a b-boy and put him into this contemporary style but allow him to do some breaking as well is shocking.  It’s shocking to me that Nigel seems to forget that we’ve already seen a very similar number (ALSO WITH A B-BOY) when Wade did the Hummingbird routine with Jaime and Hok.  I’m not trying to take away from Travis’ piece because it was well done, but I hate when Nigel conveniently forgets past routines and pretends we’ve just seen something we’ve never seen before.

I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Wade who?

We move right on to the next couple, Ricky and Ryan.  They will be dancing a Broadway routine choreographed by Spencer Liff.  Yay Spencer!!!  Ricky is a guy waiting for his date to show up outside a movie theater; Ryan is a movie star on a poster that comes to life.

Wow.  I really hated this.  You all know I love Spencer Liff, but I’m wondering if he maybe spent the week with Sir BitchyPants or something because this was really bad.  The choreography seemed REALLY simple, and not in a good way.  Ryan continues to annoy me with the stupid faces she makes.  Her idea of a sexy look is just ridiculous and she needs someone to tell her that as soon as possible.  Ricky did a passable job, but I could not wait for this routine to end.

You’re still adorable though, Spencer!

Jesse says he’s such a big fan of both of theirs.  It felt like there was a glass ceiling on that performance; that the actual performance of the piece didn’t come up to their abilities.  He tells them it felt underwater and muted to him.  It didn’t sparkle for him.  It’s official; I love Judge Jesse.

Sonya feels like even with that being said, the execution of what you’re given is key.  You have to fall in love with everything.  She felt like they were questioning it a little too much, letting it simmer too long.  She tells them it wasn’t their best.

I’d say I hate you Ryan, but Nigel would yell at me.

Nigel agrees, to a certain degree.  He thinks it’s about style; he thinks if you don’t get that complete Broadway style and sit comfortably in it, you lose the flavor of the steps and the simplicity of the steps. He says this is going to be a terrible thing to say, but both of them have had difficulty connecting with the audience (UNTRUE) and he worries if their zombie fashion dance can land them in the bottom, what this one is going to do.

Mary thought the first thirty seconds were great.

And then Ryan scared me with her sexy face.

She thinks they could have done so much more with what they were given.  She says it felt uncomfortable, but they have another routine tonight so maybe that one will have a different result.

Caitlynn and Mitchell are our next couple, and they will be dancing a Christopher Scott for hip hop.  Christopher tells that in this routine Caitlynn and Mitchell are representing the children of Northern Uganda and Congo who are abducted and forced to fight a senseless war.  Oh great.  What am I supposed to say to that?

This is the issue with pieces that are meant to be social commentaries; it’s really hard to criticize because you don’t want to seem insensitive to the issue itself.  So let’s get that out of the way; I think it is truly despicable what is being done to those children.

Now that we’ve covered the message of the dance, let’s get to the actual dancing, shall we?  Caitlynn overacted her way through that entire piece.  Instead of pushing to show us the anguish she imagines these kids must feel, she really needed to connect to something real within herself.  It felt so forced and over the top that it really took me out of the routine.  Also, their synchronization was terribly off.  Not only the synchronization of the steps themselves, but the actual intention of the movement.  It felt very disconnected which kept me from connecting with them.

Sonya starts out by saying she loves Chris Scott and both of them.  The thing that lost her is that she’s trying to connect with this intention that’s very serious and it gets lost in translation for her because of the lack of clarity in the unison.  Does that make sense?

YES!!!

It got too jumbled for her and she didn’t feel that kinetic energy, that cosmic energy you have when you’re really in sync with your partner.  She still thinks they are amazing.

Nigel is going to say exactly the same thing, but not half as well as Sonya did.  Mary understands the disconnect with the story but she feels like they still commanded attention with what they did.  She thinks they are so talented in everything they do; it fell just a little bit short for her tonight, but just a little.

Jesse says he agrees with what’s been said but tells them that they dance with so much power.  He dances with the power of a tricycle; they dance with the power of a Mack truck.  He did have a problem because he didn’t quite see the message that he was supposed to see in the dance, but says it may be because he can be quite dense.  He’s sweet.  And yet still actually says something.  That should be a note to all future celebrity guests.

Time for Melanie and Marko.  Louis van Amstel is back and they’ve got him for a tango.  Louis tells us that the tango is general is the most competitive dance so Melanie and Marko are going to have to show us a lot of passion.  No story, just the dance.

Holy crap, that last lift sequence was fucking fantastic!  Overall I thought they did a good job here.  The costume people seem to have let up on Melanie a little bit, though I still don’t think that costume is super flattering.  But hey!  At least it’s not sequined diapers, right?  But what’s up with the rouge on the left side of her face?  Weird.

This is another dance tonight that I liked, but that felt long to me.  I didn’t hate it, but it’s not even close to being my favorite from these guys.

Nigel claims that he’s been stating for weeks that these guys haven’t been challenged the way they should have been.  Yeah, right.  He asks if this was the most challenged they’ve been.  Yes, it is.  He says he doesn’t know what happened been the dress rehearsal and now; it sounds like they didn’t have such a good run through, but he loves what they’ve done now.  He also loves that final lift, and really, how could you not?

Mary goes into a brief history of the tango.

I love it when she’s like this.

But I’m not going to repeat her lesson.  Talking about what they did here, she says it was a really tough routine.  There were a few awkward shakes here and there, but she still thinks they did a really god job.  Could have been better for her, but good job.

Jesse wonders if all the Osmonds are accounted for because Mary might just be a lost Osmond.  Bwahahahaha! He starts to say he is such a big fan of theirs and stops himself to acknowledge that he keeps saying that to everyone.  But it’s true, he’s a huge fan.  He says they possess that thing that us people in the show call the spark.  You can’t teach it, you can’t learn it, you just have it.

Sonya doesn’t understand how every time she watches them dance; they make her lose her breath.

You hurt my lungs.

It’s the conviction and the discipline she knows they have.  Even when they falter she stays with them because she trusts them; the intention in their faces doesn’t change.  It’s coming from their souls, from the deepest place and it makes her shiver.  It makes them timeless dancers.

Last in this first round are Jess and Clarice.  They will be performing a lyrical hip hop choreographed by Christopher Scott.  The story of this piece is that Clarice is a woman who is insecure about her looks and Jess thinks she is beautiful just the way she is.

Jess continues to annoy me with his faces and personality during the rehearsal.  My sister told me she wishes he would dance with a paper bag over his head because he really is a fantastic dancer, but his face makes her want to punch something.  Yes, the violence runs in our family.

So let’s get this out of the way first: Jess is definitely not a hip hop guy.  BUT, I think Christopher Scott knew that and did something really smart here.  He played to Jess’ Broadway style and gave him something to work with within the framework that his body already knows and is comfortable with.  So yes, the flavor was more of a jazz or Broadway style, but I still actually enjoyed the piece. (When I wasn’t distracted by Jess’ annoying face)

This painting is creepy as hell though.

**shiver**

Mary says she thinks they are amazing just the way they are.  URGH.  In case you didn’t figure it out, they danced to that song which normally I would say I hate, but my son has taken to singing it to me, so how could I hate that?  Anyway, Mary did love it and says they had her dancing in her seat.  She loved every second.

Jesse starts out saying he didn’t care for it but quickly says “Happy opposite day!  I loved it!”  He asks Clarice if she has a boyfriend.  Yes.  Him too.  They should get married, he tells her.  He says she just makes him so happy.

This is the face he makes when he thinks about Jess.

Oh, I kid.  He thinks Jess is amazing and is so happy that he’s still around because he’s wanted to meet him and tell him he’s so awesome.

Sonya thinks they are always so adorable.  She tells them they slayed it.  Nigel loved it as well.  He wasn’t quite so sure in the beginning, but then they found it, found the sway and he loved it.  He then tells Christopher he should stick with stories like these.

Suck it, Nigel.

So, that’s our first round of dances from each couple.  Let’s get right into their second dances of the evening!  We circle back to Sasha and Alexander, and this time around they’ve got jazz with Sir BitchyPants.  And here I thought we might be in a BitchyPants free zone this evening.  At least it’s jazz, right?

What was up with Alexander grabbing Sasha’s boob during this number?  Did anyone else catch that?  This one was better for me than their first routine, but I still wasn’t blown away by it.  It was okay for me, not great.  Good cover by Sasha though when she stumbled; I actually asked my sister if she fell or was it supposed to be there.

Jesse says if he danced that dance he’d have to sit down and take a rest too!  He brings up the breast cancer dance Melissa and Ade did (GRRRRRRRRR) and says that piece ended up really defining Melissa (as a person who was saved by emotional manipulation when she should have gone home).  He thinks that the piece they did a few weeks ago, you know, the war coming home one, is what defines them for him.  He didn’t think they’d be able to top that one.  But he thinks this was beyond and amazing and it’s his favorite number of the evening.

Sonya laments that she can’t curse, so Jesse offers to provide the bleeps.  She says Sir BitchyPants is the shit.  I agree.  Well, if we remove the the.  This is what she has been praying and hoping for from Alexander; he killed it.  She tells Sasha that this is what she means about conviction and discipline; she made it happen.  Amazing.

Nigel is going to keep it real here.

I am a pervert.

Thanks, Nigel.  We all already knew that.  He thinks that for the past couple of weeks, Sasha has been carrying Alexander in these routines.  Not tonight, kid.  He says this is the best he’s seen him dance, ever.  He also still loves Sasha.

Mary agrees with everything everyone else has said.  She says that Alexander really let go tonight, and she really enjoyed watching him dance.  She was worried about him before, but not now.

Time for Stripperella and Tadd’s round two number.  This time around they’ve got Broadway with Spencer Liff (let’s hope it’s better than his last one).  He’s doing a take on Sleeping Beauty and Stripperella really hopes that Tadd doesn’t slip her the tongue.  She should be so lucky.

My excitement at the use of “Out Tonight” from Rent (LOVE that show!) quickly evaporates as the routine plays out.  I don’t know what the fuck is going on with Spencer tonight, but I am not happy with him at all.  This was terrible.  Really, really terrible.  And boring.  And I am now more convinced than ever that Sir BitchyPants may have done some weird switcheroo voodoo on Spencer.

I love how Melanie has that “There’s no way in HELL I’m standing up for that pile of dog shit” look on her face.  LOVE HER.

Sonya apologizes, saying she loves both of them, she really does, but she’s feeling really underwhelmed.  She knows their abilities and she didn’t see them.  She knows their craft and didn’t see it.

It makes me want to punch Nigel in the face.

No, she didn’t really say that, but know she kinda was thinking it.  That’s what I like to tell myself anyway.

Speaking of the dickhead, he thinks it could have been quirkier.  It reminds him of back in the day when Toni Basil used to do quirky routines like this.

Nigel, that was STREET dancing, not Broadway.  STREET.  Did I mention it was Street?

Bottom line: Nigel didn’t like it.

Mary tells them they have to find a way to really make it work; it just wasn’t strong enough.  She really loved their first routine, but this one was like cotton candy for her.  Not that she doesn’t like cotton candy.  Except for now.

Jesse agrees and thinks it was a bit of a grab bag of styles.  That said, he thinks the hungry vulture dance was awesome and will help them stay.

Next up are Ryan and Ricky.  This time they’ve got a cha cha with Louis van Amstel.  He tells them this is the dance of fire; it has to be hot.

UGH.  Ryan knows nothing about being hot.  I cannot stand the faces she makes as she’s trying to be sexy.  I like Ricky so much better than I like her, but he also fell flat for me here.  I think it’s because they have NO CHEMISTRY at all.  So the whole thing ends up just being blah for me.

Nigel thinks Ricky did a really good job; Ryan not so much.  Is he trying to use reverse psychology on the voters?  He tells he she needs to bring her legs together not have them so far apart.  Wow, I never thought I’d hear Nigel say something like that!

Mary says that was the fastest cha cha she’s ever seen.  Holy smokes!  She also thinks Ryan was sloppy and not so tidy down below.

I didn’t have time to go buy a new razor, ooookaaaaay?

She loved Ricky though and puts him on the hot tamale train by himself.

Jesse says that Ryan was flirting with him; she did it in rehearsal and she did it again tonight.

It both frightens me and makes me want to vomit.

He thinks Ricky was brilliant and this dance for him for Ricky was his favorite so far.  Sonya loved Ricky also, and thinks that the pressure Ryan has sometimes brings tension into the routines.  She doesn’t want her to lose sight of how wonderful she is.

Next is Caitlynn and Mitchell with another jazz routine, this time with Travis choreographing.  Travis tells us this routine is set in the 70’s with Caitlynn as a rock star who finds out Mitchell is married.  Um. Alright.  She starts out by slapping him in the face.  FUN!!!

Oh goody.  Another dance appropriate for our younger viewers!  I sure hope Caitlynn was tidy down below!  I don’t understand why someone who is supposed to be outraged over finding out that their guy is married would then proceed to slut it up all over the stage with him (or rather, on him).  I really like Caitlynn a lot, but I did not like this piece at all.

The head in the crotch was a bit much for me.

But she LOVED it.  I think Mary has fantasies of being all slutty and may have been living vicariously through Caitlynn.  She wants to know if Caitlynn really smacked Mitchell.  Yup.  Mitchell says it was a pay back from the nose.  Cute.

Jesse tells them only you can prevent forest fires.  By never dancing in a forest like that because you would start a fire.  He doesn’t care if that was lame, he’s going with it.  He thinks Caitlynn looks so amazing and tells her he has the same boots in red.  He says his twitter fans were telling him he has to be critical but he only has good criticism on this one.  Fantastic.

Sonya thinks it was really, really hot.  Specifically, Caitlynn is really, really hot.

My panties are a little moist.

She says it scares her how hot Caitlynn is.  She tells Mitchell that sometimes she doesn’t know where he is; she wants him to sink into it more.  It make it look less like work.

Nigel agrees with Sonya about Mitchell and says he doesn’t want to say anything about Caitlynn because he would incriminate himself as a dirty old man.

And?

I’m not sure I get his point.  We’ve all known he’s a dirty old man since season one, haven’t we?  He thinks this was sensational but he does think they should have been totally involved with each other instead of playing to the audience at all.

It’s time for Melanie and Marko to perform again.  Dee Caspary has showed up this time to choreograph a contemporary piece for them.  It’s about a couple slipping in and out of the light, whatever that means, Melanie wants to go to the light, Marko doesn’t.  Are they dead?  Damned if I know.  Hey.  Why does Dee always look so damn miserable?

For real.  Has anyone ever seen this dude smile?

I really do love these two together.  This is not my favorite piece that they have done, but I think it’s one of the better ones of the evening.  I’m really going to miss these guys together, but I’m also excited to see what they do with the other dancers here; maybe they can add some spark to someone else for me as well.

Jesse has so many goosebumps he tells them it’s like braille on his arm.  I love how cute he is when he really likes something.  He is christening this the moth dance and says it is brilliant.

Sonya is so grateful that they are the future of dance; it makes her so inspired.  She thanks them and tells them to please stay humble and true because they are just so amazing.  This is why I love her; to me, Sonya is someone who really cares about these kids growing as dancers and what they will go on to do.

Nigel says he’s excited about next week when the couples get split up expect for breaking these two up.

I’m with ya for once Nigel.

He says there is something magical about them when they work together.  He loves when the routine flows and it doesn’t look like a bunch of steps; he loves that this didn’t even feel like it was choreographed.

Mary says she will be devastated when these two are separated.  She loves the piece and the simplicity of the concept and what they brought to the routine.  She tells them it was flawless.

Last performance of the evening.  Jess and Clarice will be dancing a jive choreographed by Tony and Melanie.  They tell us this jive is rock and roll; it’s fast, it’s got lots of spins and turns and a lot of kicking.

This is another style that is actually well suited to Jess’ background.  The jive and Broadway style meld well together and so he does really well here.  I still wish someone would put a paper bag over his head because his faces make me long to punch him, but I can’t deny that he danced this well.  Oh, Clarice was good too.

Sonya loves it, loves it, loves it, loves it; adorable, perfect, thank you, amazing.

Can I get an amen?!?

Nigel thinks it was very good, but he is a little uncomfortable about the lifts.  Yeah, it’s because of his height; I don’t know that he’s going to look sturdy lifting any one of the girls that are left.  He says he’d like to have seen a bit more energy in parts of it; he’s not sure the routine will bring the votes in.

Mary agrees; it did lose steam as it went along and she was missing the joy of the jive from Jess.  Clarice had it; he didn’t.  She also loves Clarice’s leg action.

Jesse agrees with what everyone else has said.  He tells Jess he’s not in charge of the keys to Broadway, he’s not the mayor of Broadway, that’s Neil Patrick Harris.  Cat interjects, saying NPH is coming on the show, actually.  Oh, okay, Jesse will e-mail him and make him give Jess the keys to Broadway.  He thought it was a fun and exciting performance.

Then, he asks if he can say something as a fan of the show.  Of course.  He talk about the Emmy nominations being announced the next day and says he’s sure that the show will receive many, many nominations, BUT Cat Deeley is one of the greatest reality show hosts and deserves to be recognized.

I love that Cat gets all embarrassed and flustered, and I love, love, love that he said what we’ve all been saying for years.  If I wasn’t already digging him as a guest judge he would have won me over right there.

Awwww……Cat is all teary eyed about it.  I do love her so much.

And that’s the show, Gasmi.  What did you think about these performances?  Were you in a crappy mood like me, or were they really, really blah for the most part?  What did you think about Jesse as a guest judge?  What about Sonya?

PLEASE refrain from talking about the results in this recap’s comments.  I will be working on the results show recap immediately and flipit will post it as soon as possible.  In the meantime, I can’t wait to hear what you thought of this round!

SWAK, PottyMouth