On tonight’s So You Think You Can Dance (dance…..dance), we find out the fate of Alex, Mia continues her stroll down cuntass lane, the all stars return as back up dancers to the guest lip syncer, and we find out the fate of Alex.
Yep, at this point all I really want is for them to tell me Alex is okay and will be back to dominating the competition next week. So let’s get through all this filler so we can find out. Okay? As always, we start with the group number.
Ooooooookay. You know I spent the beginning sequence of this dance trying to figure out who the black lady in the feather bra was. I didn’t realize it was Ade until they did a close up of him. The dance did a good job of really showcasing Billy, but everyone else sort of faded into the background for me.
I don’t think there’s any doubt for anyone that Mia choreographed this, right? She’s obsessed with angels and heaven and I personally think it’s because her insides are filled with black bile. And yes, I’m still pissed about her comments to Adechike last night.
Cat comes out and it’s obvious to me right away that for once she has not spent her time before the show getting banged in her dressing room.
Instead, she came right from her audition for The Lion King
She confirms for us that Mia did indeed choreograph the opening number (knew it) and wants us all to congratulate her on her Emmy nomination. Yes, let’s allllllllllll celebrate Mia! Maybe instead of a dance day we can all have a Mia day. Wouldn’t that just be Miarvelous?
Whoa Mia! Why did you use the entire jar of Dippity Do? Didn’t anyone ever tell you a little dab will do it?
Did you know we’re live? We are, we’re live. Cat reminds us that Alex couldn’t perform last night because of his injury, so tonight he’s automatically in the bottom three and in danger of getting cut.
Who will be joining him? You have to wait to find out because first we have to waste as much time as we can talking to the stupid judges. Hey did you know Adam’s production of the Oscars got twelve Emmy nominations? And he got a nomination for his choreography for the Oscars.
I’m clenching my teeth together to try to keep from talking about myself. Can’t…..stop……..the…..words
It’s the most nominations the Oscars have ever gotten. They broke records, you know. And he produced it! He can’t believe it! It’s also the first time anyone’s recognized him as a choreographer so that’s amazing too.
Cat segues from him nicely saying that some of the shows choreographers also got nominations. Yes, we heard you the first time Cat, Mia got nominated. So did Stacey Tookey. And the makeup team also got a nomination. Um……congrats for applying eyeliner so well?
Seriously, you can’t look this haggard without A LOT help from the makeup department.
He also points out that Chelsie Hightower got a nomination for her choreography on Dancing With The Stars, but fails to mention Derek Hough from that show was also nominated. I guess he doesn’t count because he can’t be tied back in any way to this show, right Nigel?
But enough about the Emmys; Nigel’s got the most incredible news. We’re moving right into finding out what’s going on with Alex? No…nononono, you silly silly people. You know about dance day, right? Well Nigel now has some congresswoman involved and she’s going to introduce a bill into the House of Representatives to make July 31st National Dance Day. Oh Eleanor, don’t encourage him.
I had no idea what I was getting into; now the guy wants to come to Washington! Must call out sick that day.
And now, finally, we’re moving on to find out who the bottom two are. The first group is Billy and Lauren.
Since there are five other people to get through, I’m assuming that both of them are safe. We’re starting with Billy. Cat recaps his performances last night before announcing he is safe in the bottom two.
WHAT?????? I’m surprised. First of all, the first person Cat talks about is never in the bottom. Second, I thought he had a great night last night. He so does not deserve to be in the bottom this week. Hooey!
Cat agrees with me talking about what a great night he had, and she asks Adam why he thinks the votes aren’t reflecting Billy’s performance.
Ohmygod, I’ll totally talk about Billy in a minute but I just have to talk more about my Emmy nomination and someone I forgot to mention before because I was too busy basking in the glow of my nomination and thinking about mememememememe! Oh Billy? I totes forgot you were there.
What a fucking douchebag. I mean, really Adam? You thought now was the appropriate time to mention that you forgot all about your producing partner before? Could you be any more of an insensitive jackass? I am completely disgusted by you right now.
Oh, look, Adam has decided that he’s ready to talk about Billy now. Are you sure Adam? We could talk some more about your Emmy nominations; I mean, I know that’s why I tune in to this show.
Adam says Billy played two cats in one night; all he can imagine is that there are a lot of allergies out there. Or maybe a lot of dog lovers are picking up the phone. Is he high? I swear to god this guy has turned into a talking baboon.
Why don’t you just scratch your ass and throw your shit on the stage? It would make about as much sense as anything else you do or say anymore.
He tells Billy it’s not about his dancing because he is a brilliant dancer, so maybe he just needs to forget he’s in a competition and dance like no one’s watching.
So Lauren is left to hear how she did, and I’m fairly certain she’s safe since it’s highly unlikely they would give us the bottom two with five people left to talk about. And she is safe. No surprise there.
Before going to the next group we take a break. But even after the break we’re not really back because we go into an extended promo for American Idol. Yes, I’m sure American Idol needs help getting delusional idiots to audition for the show. Can we move along now? Wait…..first…….
Flipit, this one’s for you.
Okay, now we’re back and Cat is bringing out all five remaining dancers.
We start with Kent which means he’s safe. Yup, he is. Next we move over to Jose. We all know he’s going to be safe because it will come down to the last dancers Cat talks to. Sure enough, Jose is safe as well.
Now we move along to Ashley Robert.
Who has also figured out that this means he is not in the bottom.
This is a crock of shit. Robert’s safe and Billy’s in the bottom? Give me a fucking break. So that leaves us with Adechike and Ashley. I think we can all see where this is going, but first we have to create fake suspense by taking a commercial break.
Alright, so we’re down to Ashley and Adechike and I am feeling terrible for Adechike right because not only did he have to listen to Mia’s crap last night, now it looks like he’s going to end up in the bottom as well. But…….
It’s Ashley instead.
Wait. What? I’m sorry but I am calling shenanigans on this entire bottom two. Billy and Ashley end up here but not Robert?!?!?!? Puh-lease. This is a total crock of shit. Billy and Ashley over Jose????? Over Adechike???? I mean, I’m glad that he escaped the bottom after what Mia did to him, but honestly? Billy and Ashley should not be in danger of leaving before those three. Grrrrrr.
Instead of sending Adechike off stage, Cat keeps him up there with her. She says they’re going to go over to Mia because she has something to say. Oh great, what’s she going to say to this poor kid now?
She first tells Ashley she doesn’t know why she’s in the bottom, but she knows what she needs to do. But she does have something she wants to say to Adechike.
And the only reason I’m saying this is because Nigel is making me.
She feels that looking back last night she came across a little harsh and insensitive. She’s very sorry if she hurt him. As a teacher she gets very passionate and frustrated when she saw such a breakthrough last week and then this week she feels like his light dimmed.
Because you blew it the fuck out you TWAT!!!!!
She tells him there is such greatness in him and she wants to see it soar. Yes, she is the wind beneath his wings, isn’t she? She’s not done though. She says she believes in him and she loves him and she will always be tough love Mamma Mia. Okay, so let me see if I’m understanding her correctly…..she’s sorry she yelled at him but it’s really his fault she yelled at him because he’s not living up to the greatness she knows he has?
The entire time she has that condescending look on her face (you know the one), and I have never so fervently wished I could reach into my television so I could smack her face. And then she calls herself Mamma Mia? Are you fucking kidding me? Well, Hugh and I talked about this and we came up with a little ditty just for “Mamma Mia”…..take it away Hugh!
Mamma Mia, here she goes again
My, my, she just can’t resist it
Mamma Mia, on the show again
Making everyone feel like shi-it
She makes them broken hearted
I swear her brain just farted
My, my, why’d they ever let her back
Mamma Mia now I really know
My, my, they just need to let you go
Thanks Hugh, that was perfect!
So now we know who is in the bottom three with Alex, and I have to tell you, I’m not thrilled by the prospect of any of these three leaving. While Ashley and Billy prepare their solos, we’re going to get to visit with another pair of all stars. This time it’s Pasha and Anya! Oh yeah!!
Cat replays their audition piece for us again, and it reminds me of two things. Nigel has never had a decent haircut, and Dan Karaty was an awesome judge.
Dan! We need you! Bring Brian Friedman with you!
Cat reminds us that they never got to partner together on the show, but now, finally, we will get to see them dance together again!
Even the toxic donuts turned green with envy. Oh, Pasha and Anya, thank you so much. I needed a shot of something good tonight and you two did the trick. LOVE IT.
After a break we get another performance, this time it’s the cast of In The Heights which just so happens to be choreographed by Andy Blankenbuehler.
So I think I’ve mentioned before that I absolutely LOVE Broadway shows, right? This is one that I’ve never been inspired to go see, and I must admit that this performance is not really changing my mind. Has anyone seen it? Is it any good? I think the camera work didn’t do the number any favors since there’s so much going on, but maybe this wasn’t the best song choice to represent the show. Any thoughts?
Alright, it’s time for the solos. First up is Billy.
What can I say? The kid is a magnificent dancer. He just needs to find the magic he had last season before he had to leave.
She does a really good job here as well. Tonight I am not going to be happy no matter who ends up going home.
So now it’s that time of the night where the judges leave the stage for their potty break, quick smoke, sip of virgin’s blood, and fake conversation about who is going to go home. To mask the screams of the virgin, Natasha Bedingfield will be performing lip syncing. And, hooray! Her backup dancers will be some of the all stars. Mark? Is that you?
Yay Mark! I’m so happy to see him even if it’s only in one performance. Ade too. But can someone please give the devil a night off? I am so sick of seeing her face. Gah. I might even consider selling her my soul if she’ll just take a fucking night off already.
Alright, the time has come. The fact that Alex is standing on stage with a pair of crutches is not giving me that warm and fuzzy feeling inside, but I’m hoping against hope that they will tell us his injury isn’t as bad as they thought and he will be back next week.
Nigel tells us the judges’ decision is unanimous. He asks Alex to move forward. The results of Alex’s MRI came in late last night. He has a lacerated Achilles tendon which means he has to have surgery and will have to rest for three months. This of course means he is out for the season.
Oh no no no no no no. Ugh. No! Then Nigel says he’s obviously invited back again next year. Wait. What? How is that possible? I thought the only reason Billy was allowed to come back was because he had never competed last season; he only performed in the Meet The Top Twenty Episode. Now Alex is suddenly allowed to come back and compete again?
That’s bullshit. Listen, I know you all know how much I love Alex, but why change the rules now? Never before have they let a contestant that’s gotten hurt during the competition come back to compete the next season.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll happily watch him next season if he does come back, but there is no way anyone can tell me this is in any way, shape, or form, fair. AND if Anthony Burrell doesn’t make it on next season because of this? I will fucking hurt Nigel.
That’s right, you heard me.
So obviously this means neither Billy nor Ashley are going home tonight. Nigel says he knows there is so much everyone wants to say to Alex, he said everything he wanted to say last night. So basically this entire show was a sham since they knew the night before that Alex was going to have to drop out. This makes me believe now more than ever that tonight’s bottom two was completely bogus. Yup. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
After we watch Alex’s goodbye montage, Cat asks him how he feels. He says his heart hurts a lot but he is very grateful to have been given this opportunity to learn so much. He tells the other dancers he loves them, he will miss them and he’s learned so much. He doesn’t regret being on the show at all; in fact he’s grateful.
And so, that’s it, Gasmi. Alex is out. I don’t even know what to say. I mean, this season was his to lose. Now who do I route for? Going out on an injury sucks. And now I’m depressed.
Hugh, please don’t try to cheer me up right now; it won’t work. Wait. Okay, I guess you can try.
So what did you think, Gasmi? Are you as sad as I am about Alex’s departure? Did you think the bottom two was as bogus as I did? Did any of you actually buy Mia’s “apology”? Please let me know if you did because I have a bridge in Brooklyn that I’d like to sell ya.
Until next time…..
Oh! I almost forgot! For those of you interested, the LXD online series premiered this week. Right now episodes one and two are up at Hulu.com. I think the acting is a little over the top and I’d like to see more dancing, but I think right now they’re trying to set up the overall story. Anyway, if you’re looking for something to cheer you up, this might help. Enjoy!
When she isn't screaming curses at various dance show judges or washing her OWN mouth out with soap, PottyMouth is a proud mama to a gorgeous little boy. And yes, she knows everyone says that about their kids, but it's true when she says it. YES IT IS. Fuck you. She also laments throwing away the chance to be a trophy wife, and would like to find a rich husband so she can sit on her ass all day long and watch TV. If you are fabulously wealthy, look like Hugh Jackman (or ARE in fact Hugh Jackman), and are turned on by foul-mouthed, mature, slightly smooshy women, then she just may be the gal for you. Please send picture, references and your latest bank statement for review.