How can I even begin to adequately describe my feelings about tonight’s So You Think You Can Dance (dance…..dance)? What word can I use to best convey what I felt while watching? Hmmmmm……..BULLSHIT. A giant steaming plate of it.
Bullshit. It’s what’s for dinner.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning (a very good place to start). The group routine…..
Have I mentioned lately how much I love Allison? I’m sure this group number was originally designed to showcase Lauren; her absence in it is making me more than a little worried for her.
Cat comes out to tell us Mia choreographed the number (I thought it might be Wade until I remembered Mia has a hard on for Sting this season). Mia’s fashion choices can sometimes be a little wacky, but I think this one takes the cake.
Did she just wake up one day and think it would be cool to have a vest made of crimped hair?
Uh, Mia? Crimped hair is sooooooo eighties. You know, usually Cat can be relied upon to have the crazy outfits, but Mia definitely outdid her here; after all no human hair was harmed in the making of her garment.
Instead, she skinned a radioactive flamingo and then bedazzled it.
Hey! We’re live! So anything can happen, though sadly I’m sure that “anything” won’t involve someone punching Nigel in the face. Oh well, a girl can dream, can’t she?
Cat reminds us that we’ll be losing two dancers tonight because the judges were a bunch of pussies last week. Also, she left us hanging last night, just telling us than Lauren was with the medic, but assures us she is fine now.
After reminding us who the assholes at the judges’ table are, Cat asks Nigel to tell us about the prizes for the winner. Well….
If it’s Lauren, she wins a date with me.
He tells us they’re not only competing for a QUARTER of a million DOLLARS, the cover of Dance Spirit Magazine, and of course the title of America’s Favorite Dancer (out of the people we feel like you should be able to choose from), but something totally new as well. For the first time ever, Gatorade is recognizing dance as a sport (I didn’t realize they had been anointed the official sports status deciders), and the season seven winner is going to be featured as the first dance athlete. Uh, wait a minute here, I think Nigel is forgetting something…..
These guys were already featured in a Gatorade ad campaign.
I love how Nigel changes history whenever it suits him. I’m not even going to go into how I feel about Nigel wanting to see dance at the Olympics. You just know he’d find a way to be on that judges’ panel perving it up at girls from across the world.
But enough about how disgusting Nigel is, we all know that already. Let’s get going on these results, shall we? First up are Kent and Jose.
“Dude, you know you’re in the bottom right?” “DUH.”
I don’t even know why Cat bothers to go through the recaps of their respective routines; I mean, we all know Jose is the one that’s going to be in the bottom. Hell, just give the title to Kent now because there’s no way in hell he’s not winning this thing.
“Dude, you know you’re going home, right?” “DUH.”
Next up for their results are Adechike and Billy.
I get a little worried for Adechike here because Billy had such a phenomenal night last night. Will it be enough to finally get him some votes? Nope. He’s not surprised at all, in fact, he laughs.
As if to say, “Oh America, you fuckers, I could dance barefoot across glass and you still wouldn’t vote for me, would you?”
I can’t say I’m surprised by this result given the way the voting has been going since pretty much the beginning of the season, but I am a little disappointed considering the performance Billy gave us last night.
Time for the last two, Lauren and Robert.
I think we can all call this one too.
And the final person in the bottom three is………..not Robert. WHATTHEFUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
What the fucking shitfuckshit?!??!!?!?
There is no fucking way that just happened. No. Way. BULLSHIT. How many different ways can I say this? This is a total crock of shit. Poop. Dookie. Scat. Doo Doo. Crap. Caca.
I’m sorry, but I don’t believe this for one fucking second. There is no way in hell that Lauren is in the bottom three over Robert. This is total shenanigans. No one can convince me that this is the real bottom three. They stuck Lauren in there so that no one would bitch and moan when they save her over Billy and Jose (rightly so). If Robert were in the bottom, it would be harder to justify keeping him over Billy, ESPECIALLY given Billy’s performance last night.
You may disagree with me, but I don’t care. Robert was totally in the bottom three for weeks and weeks and I am NOT buying that suddenly Lauren ends up there and he doesn’t. Let me say it again: BULLSHIT.
I have to tell you guys, I really thought I might have a stroke while watching this. I was stomping around my living room, yelling and cursing like you would not believe.
Okay, you probably would believe, but I’m trying to make a point here, Hugh.
I woke up my poor five year old with all my carrying on! Poor kid doesn’t know his mom’s a loon. Well, I guess he does now. I almost just turned the TV off at this point, since we ALL know what’s going to happen……
But in the end I knew I had to see this episode through. Quitting isn’t the answer; Nigel was not going to break ME!!! So let’s get on with this bitch!
And just when I think the rage is going to blow my brain up, Cat tells us about our first guest performance of the evening: dancers from Step Up 3D. But that alone can’t quell the rage, it’s going to take something much, much stronger……
Oh, Adam….thank you so much; I really needed to laugh right now. Cat tells us about the SYTYCD alumni that are in the movie, including….
I’m not gonna lie Gasmi, I cannot wait to see this movie. I’m really curious to see how they incorporate the whole 3D thing into the movie, and more than that, I loved the dancing in the first two, and this one has even MORE dancers in it, so I know the dancing is gonna kick some serious ass.
Cat makes sure to tell us that Lil C is in this performance, as well as Tony Bellissimo, first guy kicked out of season five. Yay?
I hate the camerawork on this show. That said, it was a good number; I can’t wait to see the dancing with good camerawork. After they cut to the judges who must have loved it since they’re now giving it a standing ovation. All but Mia, that it.
Are you kidding me? I’m not standing up for a hip hop routine; there’s no organic movement in it that I can see.
Time for a quick break……
What my roommate doesn’t know is that I’ve installed several hidden cameras in our dorm room and I’m now sending this homemade porn to everyone we know.
Off topic sidebar: I had a nasty college roommate. She didn’t even bother with the sock thing, she just fucked her boyfriend whenever she felt like it, whether I was in the room or not. Looking back, I think she may have been an exhibitionist. It actually got so bad that I moved my mattress out of our room and down the hall into a different room. She couldn’t understand why. Ah, the good old days.
Back to the show!
Here is where we’ve been having our all star encore performances, but this week we’re in for something else. I’d be excited about that if we were going to see another ballet performance, or the Ailey dancers, hell, even the little kid ballroom dancers might get a little “woo” or something.
But NOOOOOOOOO. We are getting a second musical guest this week. Because I know that I myself can NEVER get enough crappy singing (lip syncing) on a DANCE show.
What in the name of holy hell was that?!?!? That was insanely bad, even for this show. And WTF was going on with the background dancers? They looked like a Frederick’s of Hollywood version of an Esther Williams movie. Are they supposed to be swimming through his sperm or something? Ewwwwwwwww.
But enough about swimming with spunk, let’s talk about National Dance Day! Cat tells us it’s going to be bigger than Thanksgiving, Christmas and the 4th of July.
Can you imagine this perv coming down your chimney?
Cat reminds us once again of the Tabitha and Napoleon routine that we’re all invited to learn, and then she shows us more videos of people dancing, including swimmers. Gasp!
She asks Nigel if he’s got any more information to share about the Dance Day activities, and he segues it into a plug for the upcoming Dizzy Feet Foundation gala. He also says to be sure to buy tickets for the tour since they’re selling out already. More lies, because Cat JUST told us earlier that tickets are going on sale tomorrow (July 30).
The man that cried sold out.
Are you ready for the solos that mean even less this week than they usually do? Okay, here’s Jose!
I’ve said everything that I possibly can at this point about Jose. Seems like a sweet kid, should have gone home a long, long time ago.
Let’s move on to Billy.
I really like the way he’s been exploring his movement in a different way both on last night’s performance show and again tonight. He’s added a quirky musicality that I think really suits him. If he’s gotta go out this week, at least he’s ending on a great note both with his performances and his solos this week.
Time for Lauren.
She gives a good solo, but we all know she could have given a crappy one and she still wouldn’t be going anywhere tonight. There’s no way the judges are sending her home.
But they need a break from sitting on their asses before they can do what we all know they’re going to do. While they’re backstage smoking, picking their teeth, and looking at themselves in the mirror, it’s time for our second musical guest of the evening. This time it’s former American Idol contestant, Allison Iraheta accompanied by Orianthi on guitar.
Couldn’t she sing when she was on American Idol? You’d never know it from this performance. We didn’t even get the distraction of all star background dancers. Instead, it looks like Allison hired hers from K-Mart or something.
Blue light special in aisle two!
After a quick break for commercials we are back to hear who will be staying and who will be going home. I know I’m on the edge of my seat wondering what is going to happen.
Nigel tells us that the judges are unanimous in their decision this evening. How astonishing. He also says this is the toughest decision they have had to make. Yeah, right.
It will also be their last decision for season seven. That’s right, America. Next week you get to decide who will move on to the finale, and then the following week, you get to decide who wins. Because, after all, it IS America’s Favorite Dancer, right?
Jose, step forward. Nigel blows smoke up his ass about how much he’s grown over the course o the season, and how fortunate he has been to make it so far on the program. They never anticipated they he would be as good as he turned out to be.
Which is why we never bothered to give you any real critique.
Please just send me home; I’m sick of people saying mean things about me all the time.
Billy, step forward. Nigel tells him they don’t know why he’s been in the bottom so much. Maybe America doesn’t connect to his slightly androgynous style. But choreographers love him, other artistic directors love him, and they think he’s going to have a great career.
So let me go so I can get started on it.
He also tells Billy that they love to see him soaring through the air when he dances, but please make sure he keeps his feet in the ground in life. In other words, don’t get so big for your britches that you refuse to come back and choreograph for the show so we can talk about how we’ve helped make you what you are.
Lauren, step forward. Nigel points out it’s her first time in the bottom ever, and if we don’t like the way the voting is going, we shouldn’t piss and moan about it; we should pick up the phone and vote. I’ll piss and moan all I want to, thanks.
So it’s no surprise, Lauren is staying, which means Jose and Billy are out.
Which means I have to watch this guy AGAIN next week.
We get a combined good bye montage this time around, and after it, the judges are all up on their feet clapping.
Whether it’s because Jose is finally gone or that they’re sad Billy is going is anyone’s guess.
Ca asks Billy what he’s going to remember most.
The experience, the memories, and the fact that America is a bunch of idiots.
Jose, you should be really proud of yourself for making it so far! He says he’s blessed to have a great new family of dancers, he’s so inspired, and it been a great experience that has changed his life completely.
And I’m happy to be getting the fuck out of here.
So that’s it, Gasmi. But before I give you my final thoughts, I have to share with you this.
Really, Robert? The hand over the heart is a bit much, don’t you think?
Gah! I really can’t stand him.
So what did you think of these results? Were you as pissed off as I was? Or were you happy to see Robert safe from consideration (even if it was completely bogus)? You know, it’s not that I think the results wouldn’t have been the same, I just don’t buy into the bottom three as it was presented. And that’s what really pisses me off.
I think Billy knew he was going home this week; when you think about the judges’ comments to him during the performance show it already seemed like they were saying good bye. And if he had to go, I’m glad it was after that dance with Ade. That for me was up there with Alex’s contemporary and hip hop dances as highlights of this season.
Jose would have gone home weeks ago if Alex hadn’t have been injured. I don’t wish the kid any ill; in fact, I think he did the best he could; he just couldn’t keep up.
So, we’re down to the final four. Who are you hoping to see in the finale? I think it’s fairly clear who I’m hoping gets the boot next week. See you there!