This has gotten ridiculous. This week’s So You Think You Can Dance (dance…….dance) has what has become a familiar opener.
This week Billy is MIA and Jose is dressed like a smurf.
What the hell? Cat comes out in yet another hideous outfit. This one is one of the worst, I think. It reminds me of something the first person booted out of Project Runway might make. Wait. Scratch that. Something the first person booted off The Fashion Show would make.
If you must know….my dressing room was broken into and my dress stolen. Our **SPOILER ALERT** Emmy award winning costumers threw this together in ten seconds using ace bandages as the base and the sheers from Nigel’s bachelor pad as the outer layer.
Oh. Still sucks. Cat tells us we’re still live, and not only that, it’s the 150th show!! Can I get a woo woo?
She introduces the judges who are even more annoying than they usually are during the intros. I didn’t think that was possible, but I was sadly mistaken.
Don’t I look macho?
How to combat multiple chins by Mia Michaels.
Yes Nigel, we all see that you got new dentures.
Tonight there is a guest judge. Great. As if we don’t enough blabbering from these idiots already, we now have one more person to listen to. Please let it be someone good. It’s Kenny Ortega.
Kenny, please come a little closer so I can properly thank you for High School Musical I, II and III. By kicking you in the nuts!!!
Cat goes over to Nigel to address the fact that there has been another injury. Yep, you heard her right. Nigel says there’s something going wrong this season and they don’t know what it is but they’re going to bring in someone to try and help them Call me, Nigel. I have plenty to say about what’s gone wrong this season.
Anyway, he tells us that Billy hurt his knee. Nigel tells us that the doctors cleared Billy to perform if he felt okay, but he has decided to sit this week out. Hmm. One the one hand, it seems to me that if the doctors cleared him, he should dance. BUT I also think that he probably knows better than anyone else how that knee feels. Given what happened to Alex a couple of weeks ago, I can understand wanting to be cautious.
As has become the new policy, Billy will automatically be in the bottom three and the judges will decide tomorrow whether or not to send him home. I’m thinking he won’t go home if Jose is in the bottom. If not, they may boot him out.
Whatevs. I was going to end up in the bottom whether I dance or not.
But enough about that…..Nigel clumsily segues into a congrats to the costumers for their Emmy win. Poor Billy, Yay costume designers! Oh, and Alex is here. How you doing, Alex?
On with the show! Tonight each dancer will dance three times: once with an all star, once with one of their fellow contestants, and a solo. This week instead of showing us everyone’s picks all at one time, we’re going dancer by dancer for the all stars, and then I guess finding out the contestant/contestant dance.
Lauren is up first and for her all star she picks Twitch. They will be doing a Tabitha and Napoleon hip hop routine. Tabitha tells us today they’re taking hip hop to the wild wild west. I guess the dance is supposed to be like a duel or something?
I liked this. I think Lauren did a good job here, looking a lot less “white girl” than I thought she would. It wasn’t as good as Alex’s hip hop, but it was a respectable piece.
This week Cat is starting with Adam first. He wants to know who Lauren is.
Do you seriously not know me by now?
Gah. That one is about as great as his “you’ll see it in the playback”. In other words, shut up, Adam. He says she is not the girl who auditioned in Vegas for them. She tore it up out there and it was hot, hot, hot.
Mia says giddy up, giddy up, giddy up. Thanks, Mia for your ever insightful and helpful critique. Here’s mine.
Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up.
She says Lauren went so hard, and she loved that she was aggressive, yet kept her sexy part as well.
Kenny is so happy to be on the show; he has been a fan every season and he couldn’t be happier to be here. He goes on to say how much he loves all the judges, and how SYTYCD changes the dancescape in this country every year.
Kenny, you have a little something on your nose there.
But what did he think of the dance? “Save a horse, ride a cowboy”. Great to see you fitting right in, Kenny.
Nigel and his boner both loved the dance, just as we knew they would. He says she rises to every occasion, but I think he’s confused Lauren with his boner. And then he talks about how confusing it is to hear the word bad being used as the fact someone was good. He thinks it was a sick routine. I think he is a sick old man.
Up next is Jose who has drawn as his partner Allison. They will be dancing contemporary with Sonya. She tells us the piece is about a couple that falls in love but for whatever reason it doesn’t work and that hurts. She has choreographed the dance to be performed almost entirely at the edge of the stage.
Jose did a really great job of sitting on the edge of the stage. Basically we have yet another routine where Jose barely dances. The thing is, you can do that piece and still dance. If you look at Allison, her feet are pointed the entire time, you feel the tension and relaxation of her movement, and she really sells the performance. Jose, not so much.
Adam says that this is an incredibly beautifully conceived piece of work by Sonya. But it makes it very difficult and tricky to critique the dancing. Instead he commends Jose on his commitment, his character and his partner work. Just no his dancing, since he didn’t really do any.
Mia loves the piece. She says the only thing for her is there is a difference between pedestrian contemporary and real trained contemporary. This was pedestrian contemporary which Mia defines as having more human gestures and coming from that place rather than from a training place.
Holy shit, Mia! Are you actually using real English words to critique a piece? Ka!
She didn’t see much technical growth, but as a whole performance it was really really good. She just wishes there had been more growth.
Kenny really loves Sonya’s work.
Dude, I am not available for High School Musical IV.
He also loves Allison. In fact, he loves the all stars and hope that they stay for always. Yes, but what about Jose, Kenny? He felt that Allison trusted him as a partner and his partner work was exquisite.
Nigel thinks it was joyous to watch how committed Jose was to the piece. He thinks Sonya covered up a lot of Jose’s weaknesses in this routine. He thinks it was very clever of her. So, great job of dumbing down your choreography Sonya!
Up next is Robert. His pick?
And it only gets worse from there: they have Sir BitchyPants as their choreographer. Good lord, it’s the fucking unholy trinity. Well, I guess it could be worse. Instead of jazz we could be subjected to those three plus Broadway. I don’t know that I’d survive that one.
Sir BitchyPants tells us there’s no story to this routine. They just have to basically seduce each other. Have you ever wondered what Sir BitchyPants considers seduction?
That was just plain gross. Why do I have to be subjected to Robert licking her leg? I think I’m gonna be sick. I guess that gives new meaning to the phrase cotton mouth.
It’s even worse the second time around.
The thing is, he’s not a bad dancer. I just don’t enjoy watching him dance. And I’ve come to the conclusion that it isn’t all about the fact that he annoys me. I think he lacks grace in his movement. You look at some of the best dancers, and when they’re moving it looks almost as if their floating on air. And that’s in the small movements as well as in their leaps and turns.
Robert doesn’t look like he’s floating. I always see the work that goes into each movement, whether I am meant to as part o the choreography or not. I said it last week as well; his movement seems clunky to me. So while the piece itself was okay, and (gasp) they actually did a good job with it on some level, I still did not enjoy it. Was he better than Jose? Duh. I’d still like to see him gone.
Adam thinks they were smoking. He tells Robert he is so good and a great partner. Bleh. He says he has one tiny thing that he’s going to see that he has to watch out for. Hah! I think he just stopped himself from saying you’ll see it in the playback! Hahahahaha!
I was sick of you making fun of me.
Good. ‘Cause I was sick of hearing you say it. Anyway, he tells Robert he needs to be careful of hands when they’re not choreographed because they’re either too tense or almost in a knuckle-crack position.
Mia thinks it’s really nice and a breath of fresh air to have a piece that’s just a strong, clean jazz piece. She says it showed that he is a solid dancer. She talks about how he jerks his head down during leaps or battements, and he needs to use his strength to stop doing that.
Kenny loves Sir BitchyPants. And the devil. He says that this piece really showed that Robert has bottom. Ugh, we already knew he has bottom Kenny since he sticks it out all the time!
Nigel loved the smooth jazz feel of it, saying there was never a jerk anywhere. Well, except for when he kicks his legs. Nigel goes on to say that this show has been credited with getting more guys to dance and then he pervs about how he thinks all guys would love to dance with Lauren.
At least that’s what my boner told me.
He is so fucking gross. She laughs it off and I know she loves it because dumb guys are much easier to get to sell their souls than girls.
Time for the first solo of the evening. Adechike will be up first, but before he dances, let’s hear a few words from his mom.
Mia, I will fuck you up if you don’t leave my son alone, you nasty cunt.
Interestingly, she doesn’t call him Adechike, just Ade, which makes me think that Nigel insisted he be called the longer name because of all star Ade. That’s the sae reason I call Lauren G by her true name of devil. To avoid confusion.
He is the opposite of Robert when it comes to his leaps. This kid’s leaps and kicks are effortless. There were a couple of sections that were a tiny bit boring, but overall, I think he did a good job here.
Next up is Kent. He’s gotten Kathryn, jazz, and Sonya. Sonya tells us this piece is about getting Kent to embrace what a great dancer he is, and just have fun with it.
I think fun is a great word for that routine. It was indeed a lot of fun. I think both Kent and Kathryn did a great job with it.
Adam goes into a story about how Kent said they should put him on the show because the ratings would go up. I think he’s trying to be cute since it’s so obvious the audience loves Kent, but it’s pretty stupid and wastes all our time. As usual.
Aren’t I so cute when I’m trying to be really cute?
He says Kent is something else; he doesn’t think they’ve ever had anyone like him on the show. He thinks he kicked ass.
Mia says he is a strong dancer, we all know that. But her problem is that sometimes his face gets so animated that it takes the choreographer’s work to a juvenile level.
Sometimes your judging takes this show to an assholish level.
Kenny loved the choreography. He thinks Kent is awesome. He says watching him is like watching a young Gene Kelly. Kenny pegs him as the guy to beat.
Nigel says the faces Kent was making weren’t bothering him in this routine. He thinks he mixes really good technique with a really good personality. He thinks Kent has almost outdanced both all stars he’s danced with the last two weeks. Kent makes a “you’re full of crap face” which makes me like him more than I already do.
Ready for another solo? This time it’s Robert’s turn. What does his mom have to say about him?
Even I think he’s a little annoying. Don’t tell him I said that.
Feh. I think we’ve already covered my issues with his dancing. He also ends this solo with the “reach for the sky” move. Bleh. Please go home.
Lauren’s solo is next. Let’s see what her mom wants to say.
Stop talking about my daughter’s ass all the time. She student teaches kindergartners for Chrissake!
It’s a well danced solo, just not very exciting. I think I’m suffering from Contemporary Solo OverloadTM.
Time for Adechike’s all star dance. He’s got Comfort and hip hop with Tabitha and Napoleon. Tabitha tells us that this routine represents the struggle someone goes through in a relationship when they know they need to leave. Sounds like a really fun piece! Oh! Looks like Comfort gets to smack him in the face. Too bad she didn’t get paired with Robert.
Holy crap; Adechike’s crying when it’s over. I wonder if that’s from emotion or getting slapped? I think this was a good routine. Adechike did a good job here and though I’m not a fan of Hip Hop Lite, they both did a good job with what they were given.
Adam says he didn’t even feel like he was watching dancing. It was so intense, and beautiful and horrifying, and so his life.
Have Tabitha and Napoleon been following me?
Mia says that to her felt more real than any contemporary piece.
Except for the ones I’ve choreographed, that is.
She says it came from such a raw, raw space and place. It was unbelievable and felt like watching dance film. She thinks we all just got a really,really big taste of who Adechike really is.
Kenny gives another shout out to the choreographers (boy he’s really working on coming back again) and he thinks that it was like if Wesley Snipes could dance. He thinks it was impressive.
Nigel thinks it’s really difficult to critique the dancing in this because it was taken to another level. He compares it to “Bleeding Love” and “No Air”, and I get what he’s saying here (which scares me a little). Nigel says he constantly talks about honesty in dance routines, and says that Adechike just illustrated perfectly exactly what he means when he says that.
Jose is up next with his solo. Let’s hear from his mom.
Look. I know my son can’t dance as good as these other kids can, but doesn’t he just have the cutest smile?
This was one of his better solos and yet it still wasn’t as good as Hok, or Ryan, or Dom or Legacy. Oh, or Gev. I forgot about Gev.
Time for Kent’s solo and Kent’s mom.
Isn’t he just the cat’s meow? We wish he’d stay here with us instead of going off to scary ole NYC.
It’s a good solo. He does a very smart thing, dancing to Boys II Men. At this point I’ll be shocked if he doesn’t win the season. He’s going to have to really fuck up at this point to lose, I think.
Time for the contestant/contestant pairings. First up are Robert and Lauren. Lauren nicknames them BobFro. Shut it, Lauren. They will be dancing a samba with Dmitry as their choreographer.
Dmitry tells us this samba takes place at a beach party; they meet at the party and flirt. Alrighty!
This was not good. Robert’s spends the entire dance with his ass sticking out yet again, plus he makes really annoying faces all the way through. Lauren does a little better, but not much. It also looks like they fuck up a couple of the lifts. I’m just going to go ahead and say that was Robert’s fault.
Adam tells Robert that his lines were crisp and clean and his partner connection was so good. He tells Lauren if she wanted to she could have a career in ballroom. He’d tell her she’s the girl to beat but she’s the only girl left.
Mia is so pleased with that performance from Robert; she thinks he really looked like a samba dancer. And then she turns to Lauren and proceeds to talk about her butt.
To be fair, she knows all about butts, being a butthead herself.
She thinks Lauren is in plie too much and she wants her to be sharper and Ssssss. Yup, I can totally see that.
Kenny gives a shout out to Dmitry, not only for choreographing the routine, but for teaching the dancers. He thinks Robert’s partnering was amazing. I think Kenny needs new glasses.
Nigel is all misty about how proud the parents were of the kids. He’s going to tell his kids how proud he is of them and he hopes all the parents watching will do the same.
Thanks for the parenting advice, Nigel. Coming from a perv like you it really means a lot.
He says Robert reminded him of Dmitry tonight. He is so full of shit. Give me a fucking break! I don’t recall Dmitry sticking his ass out all over the place, nor do I recall Dmitry fucking up lifts.
He understand where Mia is coming from regarding Lauren, but she has shaken everything she can shake on her body this season and he thinks it’s really enjoyable.
My boner really likes your ass.
Up next are Adechike and Jose. They have Dmitry as their choreographer as well and he has put together a guy on guy paso doble for them. And Legacy is his assistant!
I’m hoping that means he’ll be dancing the caveman routine with Kathryn tomorrow!
Anyway, Dmitry tells us this routine will be two matadors fighting for glory. He says the only way to be successful is for the guys to work as a team.
Wow. That was fucking painful. I feel sorry for Adechike here because he’s got a partner who can’t really dance and so I feel like the choreography has been dumbed down. That’s actually one good thing about the all star format; when choreography is dumbed down with them, it’s not affecting another contestant. This was bad, and not the good bad; the bad bad.
Adam says they were completely connected in their partnership and he appreciated that. Technically this was outside what they do, but he thought they pushed through. He wants to see Jose stretch his feet more (you know, actually dance) and he’s like to see more abandon from Adechike.
Mia think they did okay with it, they looked good, but the technique was not there. She also thinks the choreography had a lot of space in it, and they didn’t fill it up for her.
Kenny thinks it was a valiant effort.
You still get an F.
Nigel agrees with his diplomatic colleagues. He thinks it was a good effort, but that they should look at how ballroom guys attack this style. He can’t tell them what is missing, he just knows something is.
You know what would help you here? Having a judge who knows about ballroom!!
I’m not even saying bring Mary back, but how about Jason Gilkison? He seemed intelligent during the auditions. Or Toni Redpath! She was bitchy and a little crazy!
Time for the last dance of the evening. As you’ve probably figured out by now, Kent and Billy were slated to dance together. They would have performed a step routine put together by Chuck Maldonado (associate choreographer for Stomp the Yard).
Kent seems to be having a hard time with the style during the rehearsal package, and I’m really hoping he can pull it together because I love me some good stepping.
It looks like Billy was getting it better than Kent, but that doesn’t really matter since he’s not dancing. Twitch will be stepping in in his place. Ha ha, get it? Stepping in? Oh. I think Adam may be rubbing off on me.
Okay, two things here. I think this routine probably played better in person than it did on television. They weren’t miced right and I could barely hear their feet and hands. Also, I think Kent did a good job getting the steps down, but not a good job getting the flavor of the routine.
I also think stepping is more suited to a large group; I’ve never seen a step duet before so I don’t know if they do exist, but I think you get more of the percussive feel of the dance in a large group. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great either.
Adam thanks the producers for introducing new dance styles. Uh, Adam? We’ve had step on this show before; back in season three Shauna and Jimmy did a Dave Scott hip hop routine that had a stepping section. Anyway, he thinks Kent kicked it’s ass.
He didn’t think Kent had it in him but he killed it. He says he totally killed a thing that is totally foreign to him. Totally.
Mia thinks it was totally filthy and disgusting and gross.
High praise in Mia land.
She lives for Kent and Twitch together, saying they had great chemistry. And then she gets annoyed that Kent never pays attention to her when she’s talking. That makes me like him more.
Kenny thinks Chuck Maldonado is awesome; they’ve worked together before, bringing stepping to the Olympics. He says being able to pull off a routine like that is like going through basic training in a week before setting off to war. Awesome.
Nigel says this isn’t the first time stepping has been on the show, saying it was the routine he choreographed in season four “Five Guys Named Moe”. Wrong! I’ve already said it was season three, Nigel. Just because Shauna and Jimmy didn’t do well doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
Besides the fact that the routine he is talking about was billed as a Broadway routine. Yes, it had a stepping section in it, but it wasn’t billed as even hip hop.
Shut up Nigel.
He says he’s been trying to get stepping on the show for years, but they haven’t been able to afford it. Bullshit! He’s talking about a group out of Chicago he’s wanted on the show, but I’m sure there are several local groups that kick ass. Along with the fact that they seem to be able to dole out money for various lip sync artists every week to bore us to tears…..it really cannot be said enough…..
Shut the fuck up, Nigel.
He thinks Kent brought stepping here because he has managed to combat everything that has been thrown at him on the show. I don’t really know what that has to do with bringing stepping here. He makes sure to say he wishes he could have seen Billy do this, and also gives a shout out to Twitch for filling in at the last minute.
And that’s the show. Well, except for the big 150th episode bash which basically consists of them rolling a boring cake out on stage with Robert pretending to lick it (ew) and Jose pretending to shove Robert’s face into it.
So what did you think, Gasmi? Did Robert remind you of Dmitry? Do you think Kent kicked stepping’s ass? Do you agree with Billy’s decision to sit out this week? I’m fervently hoping that Robert and Jose join him in the bottom three. I think if that’s the case Jose will go home (and he should), but I’d be okay with Robert leaving too. Surprise, surprise, I know.
I’m jumping right over to the results show, and I’m going to try and do a shortened version of it since I have to go away on business. Let’s hope it works or you’ll be waiting til Tuesday night for the results cap! Fingers crossed! Until then….