SYTYCD: The Triplets of Blehville

Gasmi!  Are you ready for the final performance show of the season?  I know I sure as hell am.  Tonight the three finalists will dance five times each: four partnered dances, and one solo.  I’m tired just thinking about all those routines.

We start out with a super serious flashback of the season and Cat tells us that tonight the three final dancers will prove to us all why they deserve to be here.  Or not.  Welcome!  To So You Think You Can Dance (dance…..dance)!

Ole!

Cat looks gorgeous tonight, but I do wish she’d stop telling us every week that the show is live.  I’m fairly certain that most people watching the show can read.

We’re introduced to the judges and I’m happy to see we’re back to only three judges again this week.

Though I’d be happier if it wasn’t these three.

I’m getting a sense of deja vu as Cat treats us to yet another flashback of the season.  This one really aggravates me as I am reminded of what might have been.

Oh Anthony, do you need a hug?

I am seriously hoping he comes back next year.  And if Nigel doesn’t put him on the show I will have to hurt him.  Are you listening Nigel?  Hurt.  You.

Time to get down to the dancing.  Kent is up first.  He will be dancing a Nakul choreographed Bollywood routine with Lauren G.  Frankly I’m not surprised to see her here, although I thought for sure she’d be with her partner in hell, Sir BitchyPants.  I guess we can be grateful for some things, huh?

Nakul tells us the story of this dance is that Kent and Lauren are getting married, but Kent changes his mind at the last minute.  He probably caught sight of her horns and ran running in the other direction.  Nakul tells us Bollywood is very campy, so Kent should definitely bring on the faces.

Yep, he brought on the faces alright.  So…well done?  Eh.  This was not a great showcase for Kent.  I sort of felt like I was watching his stepping routine all over again, but with different music.  This is not a great start to the night for me.

Nigel thinks it was a great fun routine, great costumes, and great dancing.  Great stuff.  Mia thinks it was the perfect tailored Bollywood piece for Kent.

I guess I can’t bitch about your faces when Nakul has told you to make them.

She says it was very Kentish and it worked.  Great performance.  Adam thinks the energizer bunny should just retire.

Right back at ya.

He says he knows what they’ve been through this week with having five dances, but he thinks Kent brought energy and precision to the dance.  He tells him his moves and stops were “litrally” perfect.  And then he calls Kent the feel good dancer of the year.

You literally need to shut the fuck up.

Nigel pops back up to say it’s amazing how many different influences there are in that routine; there’s even a little bit of hip hop in there.  He also points out that the knee spins are very Russian causing Cat to wonder if Russian Folk dancing may be making a comeback.  Adam replies “Sweet Jesus, no” and Nigel says he is keeping his fingers crossed.

Всосите водочку от моего ишака, Lythgoe!

Even Cat chimes in saying, “No one wants to see that again.”  Watch out, Cat; those Russian choreographers might put you on their list!  We go into the break confirming that screaming girls make Kent feel pretty good and that he would never wear that outfit in his hometown.  For those of you that were wondering.

Up next is Lauren.  She’ll be doing a Tabitha and Napoleon hip hop number with Twitch.  The story of this one is that they are in a presidential debate.

That is so street.

I know, Toni!  I was thinking the same exact thing.  That is, if the street we are referring to is called Whitebread Avenue.  We then get a fake campaign ad from each dancer, and I am over this gimmick before it has even begun.

Pleh.  This routine didn’t do much for me either.  Maybe I’m just being cranky, but I don’t think Lauren danced it that well.  I had actually gotten to a point where I forget she’s a cheerleader, but here in this dance, she seemed exactly that to me.  And I hate the whole Lauren-head-on-a-stick thing.

Nigel and his boner both love it.  Duh.  He really hopes Sarah Palin doesn’t pick this routine up.

Just the thought of it’s making my boner cringe.

He talks about how close the voting has been, and tells Lauren she has a real shot to win given her strong performance in this routine.

Mia thinks Lauren is filthy.

She’s looking a little excited about that herself.

Great.  So now Mia is getting a boner for Lauren too?  She gives a shout out to Tabitha and Napoleon for a great season, and tells Lauren she doesn’t know if there’s anything she can’t do.  For real.  No, for real, for real.

She says Lauren has not had one bad performance all season (Ha!) and she what she loves most about her is the balance of masculinity and femininity.

Adam thinks it’s fascinating at the competition finale that she is campaigning as part of her dance.  Huh.  I don’t know that fascinating is quite the same word I would use.  I was thinking it was more along the lines of subliminal messaging or something.  He tells her she makes him proud to be sitting at the judges’ table.

Good.  Because your critiques this season certainly shouldn’t make you feel that way.

Up next is Robert, so I’m sure we’re about to get yet another mediocre performance.  He will be doing a Sir BitchyPants jazz routine with Mark.  Mmmmm….Mark.  He is probably the only person that has any chane of Robert being bearable for me.

Okay, you got me; not the ONLY person.

Sir BitchyPants tells us this piece is a power surge of electric energy.  Hmmm…..sounds like someone else might have the hots for Mark as well.  They tell us it’s all about the movement in this piece.  As opposed to other dances which I guess must be all about standing still.

Guess what?  Robert does his talking thing AGAIN.  I really wish someone would fucking talk to him about that because it is driving me insane.  As far as the dancing goes, I think Mark out danced Robert on this one.  The thing about it for me is that Robert actually has better overall technique than Mark, but Mark is a phenomenal performer AND you don’t see him working for it; it’s just is.  Robert always looks so labored to me.

Nigel thinks Sir BitchyPants just delivered a routine there that isn’t like anything he normally choreographs.

Is he being nice or mean?  I’ll just say thanks and hope he’s being nice.

Nigel really likes the style and the fun they had doing it.  He points out again that anyone can win this, and says that he says he really doesn’t mind tonight which of the three win, which is unusual for him.  Oh, I think he does care, he’s just being really clever by not saying what he wants to happen.

Cat asks Robert if he feels like he’s gotten stronger throughout the competition and grown.  He does.  He says he thinks he came into it a little too excited about everything (NO!) but thinks he has grown and matured as a dancer and a person throughout the competition.

Is it any surprise that Mia loves him?  She thinks they looks like they should be no tour with Adam Ant.  You know Mark’s thinking “I tour with Gaga, biatch!”

She talks about being grounded, saying most dancers start the show grounded and then go off into fandom, but Robert has gotten more grounded as the show has gone on.  She thinks he is the most improved across the season.  And then he does his fake sincere face causing my stomach to cramp.

Does anyone else have the urge to punch him?  No?  Just me?

Adam thinks this piece is a testament to addition of the all star component; he doesn’t know that Robert could have grown that much dancing with another contestant in this piece. And then he tells him he danced way as well as Mark here.

You speak way as well as my five year old.  Betterer even.

I really hate it when Adam tries to act like Robert has danced better than the all star he’s dancing with.  He has said this over and over to him during the season and I have not agreed once.

He talks about how Robert jumped upward and then goes on and on about how he doesn’t know the terminology for the move he’s talking about and blah, blah. blah way to make it all about you yet again, Shankman.  He’s throwing up with happiness.

I’m just throwing up.

Before each of the finalists dance their solo, Cat is sitting down for a chat with each of them.  Kent is up first and Cat asks him pressing questions like “What face are you going to make if you win?” and

Do you think Mark’s entire penis will fit in my mouth now?  Balls too?

He tells her she might want to consider the tooth factor, and then she asks which routine was his favorite, and he says it was the one with Lauren.  You know the one.  Yup, that one; the one where they kiss at the end.  You know, this part of the show was cut out last year and I have to say I didn’t miss it one bit.

Kent’s solos haven’t been the strongest throughout the season and that’s not changing now.  Doesn’t matter because the tweenkies still love him, boring solo and all.

The next dance will be Lauren (the contestant) and Robert (the annoying one).  They will be performing a contemporary routine choreographed by Dee Caspary.  This piece is about going home; he wants then to take that last moment on stage to reflect.

The piece also incorporates the use of a pillow, so that should be interesting.  Lauren tells us the pillow is drenched in her sweat.  Yum!  I hope they get a new pillow between rehearsals and the show or at least wash it because otherwise that thing is going to be pretty rank.

Meh.  Again I’m left wanting more.  I’m beginning to think I’m in a crappier mood than I thought I was.  I actually really like Dee’s choreography but I would have rather seen other dancers perform it.  I kept imagining Allison with Ade or even Neil.  I’m once again left wanting more.

Nigel first wants to compliment Dee on the choreography saying there were touches of genius in that.  He says the one word that sums both of these dancers up is strength, and they really had it there.

He says Robert’s strength shows in everything he does; he finishes everything from his fingertips to his toes.  Are we watching the same dancer?  Because I swear half the time Robert has total spazz hands when he’s dancing. Is that what you call finishing everything, Nigel?

I’m just happy he’s not prancing around limp wristed.

He thinks it was beautiful from the pair of them.  He DOES think they can dance.

Mia tells Dee she thinks he is unreal.  She loves the use of the pillow and the fluidity of the piece.  She tells Robert this was his most delicious performance.

I could just eat you with a spoon.

She says it was so amazing, he is just a whole other thing.  And then she says he has developed into a genius dancer and I want to puke all over the place.  Are you kidding me?  Just because you want to bone him doesn’t make him Lord of the Dance, Mia.

She’s not done yet, she also loves that he is so humble, and thinks it’s such a gorgeous quality about him.

She forgot to mention sincere too.  Excuse me while I go barf.

Oh, and Lauren?  Good job too.  She’s proud that she came back this season.  She’s a proud mamma Mia to have seen them all grow so much.  The top three, that is.

Not that Adechike kid, I hate that kid.

SMACK!  Ugh, she makes me sick talking about herself as a mamma again when she is more like the wicked cunt your dad marries after your real mom dies.

Adam says  one thing he thought that was so great was that Dee did a number about how tired they all are.  Oh Adam, hardy har har.  He says one thing he saw up there besides magnificent beauty was how much they love and support each other.  He thinks that was an extraordinary piece about action and reaction.  One word:  magnificent.

Lauren’s not getting too much of a break because after the commercials she’s going right into a Mandy Moore jazz number with Kent.  Hope she’s been drinking that Gatorade!

Mandy tells us that both Kent and Lauren are a little quirky and cute and weird, but in a cool way so she wanted this dance to embody that.   She tells us there will be no kissing in her routine.

Am I in an alternate universe or something?  Is it really the Meet the Top Twenty show and I’ve mistaken it for the final performance show?  This dance, while loads of fun, was not anywhere near the level a dance should be at this point in the competition.  I understand Mandy was trying to let them have a good time, but couldn’t she have showed them off as well?

Cat asks about a black eye that Lauren gave Kent during rehearsals, and Lauren apologizes to the tweenkies for defacing their little Kent boy.  LOLOLOLOL!

Nigel and I are on the same page here, which is never where I like to be.  He doesn’t think the routine is challenging enough for the finale of the series.  There isn’t enough real dancing for him to critique it beyond saying they kept the characters well and did what was asked of them.

I’ve got a baseball bat with your name on it, Lythgoe.

Mia thinks she’s going to go down in flames fr this one.  She’s not sure what to say.  Was it fun?  Yeah.  She enjoys the quirkiness and the nerdiness, and says they danced it well.  But she didn’t like it; it’s not her cup of tea.  It was fun.  Fun.

Adam’s gonna go with, “I love you guys, that was crazy, get outta here!”  And then he repeats it about a billion times.

You first.

Ca asks them if they had fun doing it and Lauren says she loves this dance, she loves dancing with Kent, she liked giving him a black eye, and she loves embracing her inner nerd.

Kent says Mandy wanted them to have fun and she wanted to show what the are, and he should really stop talking here but he doesn’t.  He says it was amazing to work with her and the had a blast performing.  At the end of the day as long as they had fun, who cares?  Nanny nanny boo boo.

Wow.  I bet Nigel is shooting daggers at him right about now.

Adam is still yelling at them to get out of here.  I still request that he go first.

Robert’s solo is up next, so he and Cat sit down for a little chit chat.

What about hair pulling?  Do you think Mark would like to pull my hair?  Should I wear it down or up?

You will be unsurprised to hear that he gets the opportunity to discuss Breast Cancer: The Remix for the ONE MILLIONTH time, and also, if you vote for him he’s totally gonna buy his mom whatever she wants.  I wonder how many times I can puke in one episode.

Whatta ya know, I remain unimpressed by his solos.  Shocking, I’m sure.

Kent’s up again, this time with a contemporary piece performed with Allison and choreographed by Stacey Tookey.  Stacey tells us this routine is about the perfect couple who are not so perfect behind closed doors.  The pressure of trying to remain the perfect couple is what’s tearing them apart.  Stacey thinks the biggest challenge is the maturity required for Kent to pull this off.  So I guess goofy faces are out of the question?

Fucking finally.  I love this routine so much.  I especially love the parts where they are the puppeteers for each other; I thought that was really interesting.  Really well danced, and I think Kent really connected to it much in the same way he connected to the Travis piece he did with Neil.  Love it.

Nigel thinks Kent’s lines get better and better and stronger each week.  He really liked the honesty to in this performance.  He says if there’s any chink at all in his armor, it’s in his upper body strength or lack thereof.  Nigel supposes there aren’t many girls to lift where he comes from, and the cows are to heavy.

Hey now!  I can moooove and shake with the best of them!

Mia says he was so invested in that emotionally, and she wonders what he said at the end of it; she thinks he said “Get off”

Twenty two positions in a one night stand

He did say that!  Or did he?  I didn’t see him say anything, but they weren’t tight on him right after the dance, so I guess he could have.  Anyone who was there and can tell us what  he said?

She thinks it’s great that he was so invested in the dance and was so able to let himself go.  I wonder if Robert’s talking disease has gone airborne and perhaps infected other dancers on the show.

Adam wants to know what’s going on with Kent right now, so Kent tells him (and us) that it’s personal but you get so invested with the movement and the story that the steps don’t even matter.  Adam tells him he just became an artist and he is so proud of him.

He thinks the most beautiful part of the routine was Kent’s stillness, his quiet moments, his relationship; he thinks it was magnificent and it blew him away.

Cat asks Kent if there’s anything he wants to say and ultimately he says what he really wants to do is just dance.  I don’t think that’s going to be a major problem for him.

Time for Lauren’s sit down with Cat before her solo.

Spit or swallow?  Come on, you can tell me!

They talk about how she’s the only girl left, and Cat wants to know which dance was her favorite.  It was the dance with Kent, but not because of the kissing!  She says she’s never shared a moment like that with anyone on stage before and again, she’s totally not talking about the kiss.

Not impressed by her solo either.  This group of finalists is definitely the weakest we have ever had from a solo perspective.  I sit imagining what Alex would have done.  Or Anthony.  Sigh.

Robert’s back with Kathryn and Broadway.  Thankfully it’s Spencer Liff Broadway and not Sir BitchyPants.  Phew!  This routine takes place in an interrogation room and Robert is the suspect, Kathryn the sexy investigator.  They’re dancing to “Cool” from West Side Story.  Ballsy move on Spencer’s part.

You know, I could really like this routine if only Robert would stop with the flapping of the gums!  Gah!  I think this is one of the only times I have actually enjoyed watching him in a routine (as long as I kept my eyes from looking at his mouth).  In fact, I will go on record saying that I think this is his best performance of the season.

Cat points out that he split his pants during the routine.

See what happens when you stick your ass out too much?

Nigel wonders how Adam will describe that one and whether or not it will get bleeped.  I guess that’s Adam’s warning not to talk about asses or balls hanging out of anywhere.

Nigel tells us that’s “Cool” is one of his favorite pieces of music, and then goes on to say the funny thing is that it’s only in the move, not in the show.  Wrong!  Adam pipes up to tell him he is WRONG!  Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

I heard you the first time.

He tells Robert he danced it very, very well.  He is showing all the different sides to his dancing technique, and he just gets better every week.  Nigel is so delighted by his journey on the show.

When she first heard the music, Mia got a little nervous because it is one of the best numbers ever choreographed.  She thinks Spencer did a great job of incorporating Jerome Robbins’ vocabulary, put still pout his own story behind it.

She thinks it was danced geniusly, and her only critique would be that she wanted to see a little more simmer and sizzle inside of the movement.  Other than that, it’s a lovefest.

Adam has done this a bunch of times.  Really a bunch of times.  The original Robbins’ choreography, a bunch of times.

Have you done it once or twice?

Bunch o’times.  He thinks Spencer did a great job with it; he put a great spin on it while being respectful to the style.  He thinks Robert was beautiful, Jerome Robbins would have been proud, and he would have hired him.  I wouldn’t go that far; first he’d need to learn how to keep his mouth shut while dancing.

Let’s move along now, back to Lauren who will be performing a Tony and Melaine cha cha with Pasha.  The story of this routine is that Lauren sees Pasha and she just loses her mind.  I can relate.

Well, it looks like Tony and Melanie were able to incorporate Lauren’s ability to stick her ass out into the routine!  Did anyone else think Lauren looked tired doing this number?  And did you notice that they dimmed the lights on one of the lifts?  I wonder if they were afraid she wasn’t going to make it.

I love watching Pasha, I could watch him all day, but I don’t really enjoy Lauren doing ballroom.

Nigel and his boner think Lauren was great.  He says that it looked damn near perfect to him.  For someone that hasn’t been trained in ballroom before, he thinks she’s the best contemporary girl they’ve ever had doing ballroom.

Down boy.

He’s no expert, but it looks to him (and the one eyed monster)  like she got everything right.  He also wonders if they’ve just stopped putting buttons on Pasha’s shirt.  Cat says the scissors are in her dressing room.  Nigel wonders if she used her teeth to get them off.  I’m so happy my ten year old niece watches this show.

Cat says that Nigel thought it looked perfect, but what did Tony and Meredith think?

It’s Melanie, bitch.  Meh-La-KNEE.  Get it?  Got it?  Gooooood.

Mia asks Lauren, “Who are you?”  UGH.  I’m so over them saying that this season.  She’s so happy she stood up for Lauren’s butt because it really does make a difference in the movement.

She tells Lauren if she was still dancing, she would want to dance just like her.  That means a lot to Lauren.  And it sure beats Mia telling you she’d like to stab you in the face, right?

Adam says Lauren feels music like no one else on the show.  If music were a person, it would be her.  Puh-lease.

If bullshit were a person it would be YOU.

He also tells her that it was like exhibition style perfect.  What the hell does that even mean?  Can someone please just stick a sock in his mouth?

Time for the last dance of the evening.  This will be Kent and Robert dancing a Malevos fight routine choreographed by Miriam and Leonardo.  It’s a fight, tango style.  There are lifts.  There is footwork.  There is fighting.

Uhhhhh……yeeeeah.  That was some stupid shit right there.  First of all, it felt like they were dancing in slow motion during parts of that routine, and not because it was meant to be that way.  They both seemed very tired and labored.  Also, Robert’s flapping gum disease continues to spread throughout the cast; they both are talking during this number.  The only part I liked was when Kent stepped on Robert accidentally on purpose.  I’ve watched that part about ten times.  Give or take twenty.

It never gets old.

Nigel says this dance is what the men do to practice their tango before going off with the women.  He points out how much this group has had to dance in the final, saying they’ve had more dances than any other season.  I don’t know if he’s full of shit here and I don’t feel like looking it up, but I’ll assume he’s full of shit because he usually is.

He then talks about what hard workers all three of the finalists are, and I think he’s trying to avoid saying how awful that dance truly was.  He urges everyone to vote.

Mia loved the feel of the piece.  She says there was a debonair quality about it, but a hood quality as well.  She loves them and says it was a great performance.  The legwork could be tighter, but she loved it anyway.

Adam says Mia is a thousand percent right.

And I am a thousand percent up her ass in this as in all other things.

He agrees that certain elements of precision weren’t there, but it doesn’t really even matter because this is about the favorite dancer.  He points out that this is the youngest group of finalists ever, and he can’t wait to work with them.

And there you have it, Gasmi.  What did you think?  Were you as disappointed in the caliber of dancing as I was?  Or did you think they blew it away?  At this point, I’m still routing for Kent, but really he didn’t blow me away tonight, and I wish he did.  That sad, I wasn’t blown away by any of them.

Before I go, I want to apologize for the delay in this recap.  I’m not going to list why it’s late because at the end of the day, late is late.  I’m jumping right from here into the results show, so I hope you’ll be patient fr just a little while longer while I get that one done.  In the meantime, share your thoughts on these dances!  I’m dying to hear what you guys thought of the performances.

SWAK, PottyMouth