SYTYCD: Top Twenty, Deja POO

So here we are again, Gasmi.  It’s the top twenty do over show.  Only last time this guy was not involved.

I wish Stripperella had gone home last week.

I am with ya, Mr. President!  Luckily the president only talks for about fifteen minutes and Fox pushed the start of the show back, so we didn’t miss anything.  Phew!

Once the show starts, we have to relive Nigel’s crappy decision to send no one home last week.  I am still annoyed about it.  This time around, the top twenty intros are done in pairs.  Good news!  No injuries this week!  Yet.

Cat comes out on stage, determined to get just one more use out of an old bridesmaid’s dress.  Either that, or she is channeling Tweetie tonight.

I tought I taw a putty face

I deed!  I deed!

Our guest judge for this evening is living legend, Debbie Reynolds.  Naturally Cat shows us a clip from Singing in the Rain.  I love that movie.  I’m just going to go ahead and spoilt it for you now:  Debbie Reynolds is completely useless as a judge, and possibly drunk.

But she is also impossibly adorable, so I don’t care too much.

Ready to find out this week’s filler topic?  Too bad, because here it is: they have to tell us what their partner has been keeping a secret from America.  Oooooooooooooooo.  I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to hear.

How I’d rather be spending my time.

The first couple tonight is going to be Ryan and Ricky.  Ryan’s secret is that she has hairy legs; Ricky’s real name is Roderick.  Scandalous!

This week they will be dancing a Mandy Moore jazz routine that we are told is super duper sexy.  In fact, it’s practically X-rated, if Ricky is to be believed.  Mandy’s not sure that they’ll be able to handle such a hot number because they dissolve into fits of giggles throughout the rehearsals. Oh yeah, I’m getting hot and bothered already.

It’s very obvious that these two have no physical attraction to each other at all.  Also, Ryan alternates between that annoying smile of hers and what I can only imagine is supposed to be her sexy face.  She looks more constipated than sexy.  The dancing was clunky, but I don’t really know if that’s them or if Mandy’s choreography was a little clunky.  All I know is that I remain unimpressed with this pairing.

Cat points out that Ryan ripped the crotch of her tights while dancing.

I sure hope her cooch isn’t as hairy as her legs.

Nigel thinks it was absolutely sensational, especially considering they are contemporary dancers.  Yeah, it’s such a stretch to go from contemporary to jazz.  Shut up Nigel.  He thinks it was so raunchy (ha!) and at one point he wanted to throw a bucket of water over them.  He says you could feel the sexual tension, it was like something between him and Mary .

And then Mary shows us how she got her job back.

Damn, Mary!  Cover those teeth woman!  Since they danced to “Addicted to Love”, Mary has come up with her usual wittiness and says she is addicted to them.  She says she’s happy it wasn’t too x-rated because we have a lot of little tykes watching this at home.  Good lord, this number didn’t even register on the sexy-o-meter; we’ve had MUCH hotter numbers here before.  Whatever.

As Mary is telling Ryan how strong and powerful she was in the dance, Cat notices something…..

WOW!  Ryan’s really going for the votes tonight, huh?  First her crotch tries to free itself from the tights she’s wearing, now her boob is trying to pop out and say hello.  Come on now, Ryan, no one wants to see that.

Except maybe this guy.

Moving on to Debbie Reynolds.  Since I’ve already told you that Debbie is useless as a judge and possibly drunk, I don’t know what else there is for her to say….

Honey, lettuce doesn’t get old.  I just took it out of the freezer.  I make my salads on Monday and I keep them frozen all week.  I think I know what I’m doing.  You’re just not used to it.

Next up are Caitlynn and Mitchell.  Caitlynn’s secret is that she has boots that turn her feet blue.  You know, wearing socks can solve that issue.  Oh wait, lemme guess!  Mitchell’s secret is that he talks like Chris Tucker!  Right?  Oh.  No.  His secret is that he wears a zebra print snuggie.  Riveting.

They will be dancing a Stacy Tookey contemporary number which Stacy tells us is about a relationship that has gone completely wrong.  Caitlynn wants to leave Mitchell but can’t bring herself to actually do it.

It was good, but nothing mind blowing.  The bad relationship thing has been done so many times on this show, but I have to say, I liked the staging of this one and they did a good job with it.  I do like Caitlynn a lot more than I like Mitchell.

Holy crap.  Caitlynn’s nose is bleeding.  Cat asks her what happened and it looks like Mitchell accidentally punched her in the face during their dance.  I gotta give it up for her, she kept going and I for one had no idea.

Don’t worry, Cat; I’ll get him back later.

Mary tells Mitchell she’s just so grateful that the show decided to give everyone a second chance last week.  Hmmmm…..makes it sound like he would have been the one to go, doesn’t it?  While I would have preferred to see Woobert go, I could have lived with no more Chris Tucker.  I just know that decision is going to continue to piss me off.

She thinks the chemistry between them is just so believable and it’s such a great partnership between them.  She tells Caitlynn that she just defies gravity, but she slurs it all together so that the first time she said it I thought she said that Caitlynn justifies gravity which would make no sense, but then, Mary often doesn’t.

Debbie?

You know I’m happy to see you.  Now why didn’t you want to stay in a hotel?

Nigel obviouses that this is the first time that we’ve seen them dance together because of Mitchell’s injury last week.  He thinks it was a remarkable piece and not just from a technical aspect; he tells them there was so much drama in there and he felt Caitlynn’s inner turmoil.

But not as strongly as he’s feeling the boner in his pants

What was so ironic about this for him is that dance is the language of the soul and that’s what came across tonight.  He thinks the choreography was outstanding and so was their dancing.

Cat asks Mitchell if he’s happy that he’s here and able to dance this week.  He Chris Tuckers that he is.  And here I was thinking he was going to say he wished he had gone home.  Huh.  I guess he’s not going to be in the next Rush Hour movie after all.

Let’s move on now to Wadi and Missy.  Wadi nairs his chest hair.  Missy laughs.

That’s right Gasmi.  Missy’s secret is that she laughs.  Try to control yourselves.  This week they will be dancing a Cha Cha choreographed by Jean Marc Genereaux.

Zat Wadee removes eez chest air eez no surpreez et al, but sacre bleu!  Ze laughing of ze Meeseee?  Mon dieu!

The Cha Cha is supposed to be hot and spicy and Jean Marc tells us this is the most difficult routine he has ever choreographed for the show.  They both seem confused in rehearsals so let’s see if they’ve been able to pull it together.

That was not good.  At all.  Neither one of them was moving their hips.  Okay, Missy was moving her slightly but not near enough for a Cha Cha.  FAIL.

Cat points out that Wadi is wearing heels (like other short male partners before him) and then we go over to Debbie.

I know what I could do.  I could scrape the top off the meatloaf; that way it would be less meat.

Nigel points out that a lot of the dancers last week got their own style and that made for a great show, but this show is about excelling outside of your own genre.  He’s going to keep it real here.  Then he tells Wadi that when strength was needed for the partnering he did great, but the technique was lacking.

Missy, I was imagining you give me a lap dance the entire time you were up.  Loved it.

Mary says the beginning was absolutely spectacular but then when it got into the actual Cha Cha dancing, she thinks Wadi fell short.  She also gives Missy a free pass which reminds me the time Kayla had the Cha Cha and never moved her hips either and got praised for it.  Such bullshit.

She then compares them to Dancing with the Stars saying Missy is like the pro and Wadi the novice.  Wha? That’s utterly ridiculous.  Uh oh.  Debbie’s piping up.  What’s that Debbie?

Honey!  I’m on the picture phone!

Time for Iveta and Nick.  Iveta talks to herself in the mirror (and has no upper lip) and Nick wears shorts.  Like ALL the time.  Now that you know that information, I will have to kill you.

Oh man, Iveta and Nick have drawn Bollywood this week.  Yikes!  Of course their choreographer is Nakul Dev Mahajan because he is apparently the only Indian choreographer Nigel knows.  There is much talk of the electricity of this particular dance (along with cheesy special effects) but no word on the importance of the hand gestures.  I guess the show has stopped caring if the dancers are telling us all to fuck off while they’re performing.

Whoa.  I like these guys a lot, but that was awful.  I just hope several people do worse than them.

Cat asks Nick if he’s wearing guyliner and turns out he is.  He also has sensitive eyes and tells Cat he was crying when they put it on him.

I think he might be wearing some guy shadow too.

Nigel thinks that Bollywood is always very entertaining, and they did do that.  He points out that we have never had a Bollywood dancer in the top twenty, so really everyone is dancing outside of their genre when they get this one.

He thinks they did a really good job; if he compares to others like Joshua and Katee, they did better.  But he does concede that they were in the top ten at that point and cuts Nick and Iveta some slack.

Mary says she is a fan of these two.  She tells them they were super entertaining tonight and they have really great chemistry.  She had a lot of fun just watching this number.

Just because I don’t want to spend $10 for bullshit jam has nothing to do with how I feel about myself.

Time for Woobert and Miranda.  He thinks he’s a dancer pro wrestler, she has a crush on Tadd.  Poor Miranda, I’m thinking she’s not the only one with a crush on ole pillow lips.

They will be dancing a Tabitha and Napoleon hip hop routine.  Tabitha tells us it’s one of their more serious pieces; they dove into the character of a woodpecker.

Hehe, she said pecker.

Woobert is the old pecker trying to teach the baby pecker how to fly.  Napoleon says the routine is really intricate; in fact, it’s one of the most intricate ones they’ve done.

Shitballs.  I don’t really care for this one, but Woobert didn’t completely suck here which aggravates me a little since I think he should already BE GONE.  Miranda’s hip hop faces are annoying, but dancewise she holds her own here.

I’m beginning to think that maybe my cranky mood is affecting how I feel about the dances tonight.  I mean, I haven’t liked anything yet.  Shouldn’t I have liked something by now?

Mary always gets nervous when animals may be imitated on the show.  I think she’s afraid someone’s going to start doing it doggie style or something.  She thinks this absolutely worked for them and loves the concept; she really appreciates how Tabitha and Napoleon keep growing and stretching themselves.

I’m so jealous of their stretching.  My face is so tight it might never stretch again.

She gives props to Miranda for being hard hitting and clean; she really loves the swagger she had going in that.

Dear, we’re not intimate, we just have sex occasionally.

Nigel tells them he really loves tonight’s routine.  He tells Miranda she shocked him tonight; he thinks she’s the best contemporary dancer they’ve seen doing hip hop.  He also thinks Woobert was good tonight and mentions there were no woos anywhere to be found.  I’m guessing someone had a conversation with Woobert and told him to knock it off.  Whatever, he’s already annoyed me; you all know how hard it is to come back from that.

Now it’s time for Clarice and Jess.  She sleeps with her eyes open (creeeeepy) and he draws stick figure orchestras.

Signs of a future spree orchestra killer?  You decide.

They will be dancing Stacy Tookey’s second contemporary piece of the evening.  This time around it’s a love story.  He’s a prince and she is marrying into royalty.  So………she’s a golddigger?  There is tons of talk (and schtick) about all the difficulty they are having with the lifts.  Looks like Jess needs to hit the gym.

Another one I’m not crazy about.  Ugh.  You know, the thing about Jess is he really is a good dancer; the kid has some incredible control going on and a great center.  But he is offputting as hell.  The lifts were not good at all and the chemistry between them is non existent.

Over to the judges.

Look under the protective ice.

Nigel enjoyed parts of it; most likely Clarice’s parts.

Hey now!

Oh come on, Nigel, don’t act all offended; you know you love looking at the lady bits.  And we know it too.  He brings up Kate and William and that Cat will be hosting an evening for them in L.A.  What’s that got to do with the routine?  Oh, because he’s supposed to be a prince and Nigel’s British.  Yeah, great segue there, Nigel.

He was not fond of the lifts at all.  Like me, he thought they were labored and that as a couple it just didn’t look right to him.  He’s now worried for them.

Mary tells Jess his emotions tonight were just perfect.  She also loves his dancing and points out how great his control is.  She compliments Clarice on her gorgeous legs and also thinks she’s a great dancer.

Time for Stripperella and Tadd.  Tadd tells us that Stripperella is a dumbass.

Hey Tadd?  That’s not a secret.

Tadd’s secret is that he’s a really good packer, which according to Stripperella , means that he has OCD.

Their dance style this week is a Viennese waltz with Jean Marc.  He tells them the key word of the day is space.  But Jordan doesn’t understand the concept of space because she is a space cadet.

I don’t know why she felt the need to sniff his armpit in the beginning there, that was really distracting.  I’m also distracted by how unflattering her costume is.  Once we get down to the dancing, I guess I’d have to say they did a decent job here.  You know I can’t stand her, so that’s hard for me to say.  But I didn’t actually hate this number.  Huh.  Imagine that.

Nigel thinks it was just so beautiful.

Now if only you were wearing less clothing.

Perv.  He thinks Jordan is a beautiful dancer with a ridiculous arabesque.  He means that as a compliment.  He also feels the need to remind Tadd that he is a b-boy.  Ummm…..okay?

Mary tells Tadd that for her he is the biggest surprise of the season.  She says when most people get the Viennese waltz it’s done so frantically because they’re so paranoid to get everything on time, but he had this perfect cool about him that she really loved.  She is so proud of him.

You think you’ll be here long enough that you need to go shopping?

Time for Melanie and Marko!  Here’s hoping they can save this crapfest of an evening for me.  Ready for their secrets?  Melanie doesn’t like people touching her ears, and Marko reads romance novels.

Still adorable.

They will be dancing a Mandy Moore jazz piece.  She says they are using an old song and giving it a new twist.  There are hats involved.  And strong accents.  French?  Spanish?  German?  It’s a mystery!

Okay, you guys know I love these two, right?  But I did not love this dance at all.  First of all, let’s get the wardrobe commentary out of the way.  The gray sequined diaper pants have GOT to go.  Now to the dancing; it felt really clunky to me.  And it felt really slow.  I really didn’t like it.

Mary says everyone has a voice when they dance and these guys are speaking loud and clearly.  She says she never feels like she has to worry about them because they will be able to take on anything that is thrown at them.   She points out that Marko dropped his hat and still got it in time to catch Melanie.

Can you eat lamb chops?  They’re not from a cow; I didn’t know if it was the animal you were siding with or the whole thing.

Nigel says he would normally say it’s a little early to be talking about stars, but not in their case; he thinks they are stars.  He thinks they are a perfect combination.

Let’s move on now to Sasha and Alexander.  Sasha sweats a lot; Alexander likes to look at himself.  Hm….seems like he should be paired up with Iveta then, doesn’t it?

They’ve got Tabitha and Napoleon for hip hop.  Tabitha says this is sort of a sensitive piece; it’s about a soldier coming back from Afghanistan and seeing his wife for the first time.  How timely considering the speech that preceded this show.

Wow.  Alexander was rocking some sweaty armpits during that number.  I know I’m supposed to be all moved and shit, but I’m not.  I mean, the dance was okay for me, definitely one of the better ones of the night, but it didn’t blow me away, and it didn’t really move me.

I just think if you were wearing crappy shoes they’d think why are you wearing crappy shoes, but you do what you want.

Mary is crying and she says she hopes everyone gets to come home.  She tells Sasha that her soul and anguish really brought it home for Mary.  And then it’s too much for her so she hands it off to Nigel.

Nigel thinks it’s ironic that President Obama was just talking about withdrawing the troops and we have this dance here tonight.

You say ironic Nigel, I say orchestrated.

Here is no way that you can tell me that was not planned.  Not buying it, sorry.  He says they showed all the passion and emotion the situation needs, in fact it’s not even worth talking about the dancing part of it.  You know, except for the part where this is a DANCING SHOW.   Gah!

We’ve made it to the last couple of the evening.  Ashley tells us when Chris gets nervous he does a creepy smile.  Chris tells us Ashley thinks she has swag, but she doesn’t.  well, I don’t know about you all, but I just feel so privileged to have been able to share in all of these wonderful secrets tonight.

Ashley and Chris will be doing a Broadway number, but don’t get nervous!  Their choreographer is Spencer Liff.  Hooray!  They get to rehearsal and find jail bars waiting for them.  Spencer wants them to have incredible sexual tension in this number; they should want to eat each other.  Maybe they should shower first.

How interesting that they have Ashley in a red dress for this number considering that’s what Amy Locane wore in the movie.  And if you haven’t seen Cry Baby before, get your ass to the video store and rent it!!  For comparison……

Please Mr. Jailer

Guess which one I liked better.

They did better this week then they did last time around, but I’m still not crazy about either one of them.  Really, they weren’t the worst ones tonight but I wouldn’t cry over them going home.

Nigel first compliments Spencer on coming up with such a creative routine.  I love Spencer, but he lifted that idea directly from the movie.  It’s not like he came up with it out of thin air.  Then he says how the judges were talking earlier about how none of them would do well on the show.  What does that have to do with this routine?

I just feel the need to hear myself talk.

Mary goes into a discussion about degrees of heat and how hot they are.  Is there a point to this?  Oh fuck, it’s all leading up to

The fucking hot tamale train.

I certainly did not miss this at all.  Debbie?

Well gee, does that look a little green to you?  Gee, it looks a little green to me.  In the store the picture was perfect

And that’s the show, Gasmi.  I have to say, this week was a disappointment to me; I was really unimpressed with everything which makes me REALLY nervous for the results.

What did you think, Gasmi?  Did you like any of these routines?  Or were you in the same boat as me?  Did you think Debbie was as useless as Megan, or did you like having her around?  I’m jumping right into the results show, so hang tight!

SWAK, PottyMouth