SYTYCD: Trial By Hotness

Here we go! Results show!

Our group routine begins with a shot of Jess looking like some sort of terrifying Broadway joker, which just doesn’t bode well for the rest of the show.

Everyone looks kind of scary and circusy, except for Tadd, who is wearing a jail onesie and doing really unimpressive cirque de soleil work on some ropes.  It’s a Marie Antoinette circus act? With very  little in the way of actual dancing? I don’t know.  Jess was highlighted a lot, which is fine, exept nobody really did anything interesting. I couldn’t really identify which girl was which. OH! It was a Tice Diorio routine. Makes sense now. I guess he’s back to his norm of shittines.

We are ALREADY just two weeks away from crowning a winner. NOOOOOO. Although, Project Runway just started so that helps. Lady Gaga isn’t judging tonight, since she’s performing, but that doesn’t stop Rob Marshall for again jerking her off for making the panel so wondahful.

With that we get right to our first four contestants, all the ladies. And looking quite edgy tonight. Jordan has put in a fauxhawk, perhaps in the hopes of being associated with Sasha and Melanie’s closing routine on Wednesday.

We get quick flashbacks of all the girls kicking ass in their individual routines, and Jordan and Caitlynn doing boring ballroom. All the judges start calling out their favorites. This is pretty obvious; Jordan and Caitlynn will be in the bottom. Who will get kicked off? Caitlynn, I hope. Jordan is just more interesting to watch, although Caitlynn is always glittering. She’s just too classy for me I guess!

I wonder if it’s sad for Jordan and Caitlynn to hear Sasha and Melanie declared the future winners, favorite, general stars etc. Either of these girls could have really shone in a season full of unmemorable girls (for instance, last season-  can anyone name a girl besides Lauren?)  but they really look like they’re in the minors next to those two. They are ‘cutie patooties,’ as Cat says, though.

Next are the boyzzzz. This is a little more up in the air. I would think that the two Filipino hotties would be safe, but Tadd has been in the bottom a lot in the past.

Mm lets look at the perfection that is Marko. Being nice.. being naughty.. hugging his crying mom. AWWW! Marko looks super nervous, but he really shouldn’t be. He doesn’t need to worry until the finale.

The first safe guy is.. Marko. Duh. The first non-safe guy in.. Jess. Yaaay! He looks like he might cry, then rips off his shirt and stalks off. You know, there’s nothing wrong with Jess besides the mugging. He’s a great dancer. But there isn’t a single one of his routines I want to go back and rewatch a million times.

When we come back from commercial, Cat and the remaining boys are doing some nice relaxing birthing breaths to calm down. Last night, we see how Nigel repeatedly shut Ricky down, telling him how he’s gonna be in the bottom. Meanie.  We also see Tadd be just a generally classy mothafucka. Double suitin it up! I didn’t think Tadd performed particularly better than Ricky (other than the ubiquitous ‘but he’s a bboy!’ comparison), but Mary and Nigel straight up tell him he won’t be in the bottom and won’t be going home.

MAJOR UPSETTTTTT!!!!

Ricky is safe, and Tadd is in the bottom. Ricky looks shocked and Tadd looks like his normal lovely positive self.  So who will be it be??? Mr. Technique or Mr. Personality? Although I guess Tadd should get some other adjectives too… like Abs, and Versatility, and Mr. Mcweanis..

(Creepy admission.. I may have looked Tadd up on Facebook, discovered that he has a real life girlfriend, and then felt sad for several hours, after which I redirected my masturbatory attention to Marko. Ahem.)

Obviously, I’m rooting for Tadd here. I have a big boner for him and think he’s a great dancer, and I get dick shrivel when I think of Jess although he’s also a great dancer. My only worry is that Tadd’s solos have tended to be.. in my opinion.. lame.

Our dance performance this week is from the Legion of Extraordinary Dancers! It’s pretty cool. Lots of jerking around frantically like something important is about to happen. Lots of breaking. The coolest part in my opinion was when this chick who looks exactly like Rashida Jones did this sweet Mortal Kombat tutting. It looked like she knocked everyone around her down and turned them into breakdancers. By the end, there were just a shitton of people onstage. This is a real bigass legion. In my opinion, a lot of the synchro was way off, but maybe that’s okay because its hip hop . I do love me some Christopher Scott. There are also a lot of people in this group that I just really want to have sex with.

kinky threesome

breakin it down

rashida jones pwn

gotta catch em all!

Solo time! Oh wait no, it’s more National Dance Day Stuff! We get little clips of Mary, Robin Antin, and NappyTabs teaching their routines. Wow, I’ve actually never seen Mary dance before! I’ve got to check this out. Also, one of Mary’s backup dancers is in a wheelchair. Frankly, that is fucking awesome. Go Mary. We also get to see SYTYCD’s behind the scenes staff attempting to dance. Robin choreographed an intermediate stripper piece, and we get to see that 12 year olds girls are already emulating it!

shake that jailbait!

NappyTabs made a super hard hip hop routine that I will definitely be attempting.

ahhhh

AHHHHHHHH

awww

Then it’s a montage of adorableness.. sick kids in wheelchairs, matching outfits, etc. Oh, and Donny Osmond, which kind of ruined that montage. I guess on July 30 you can go to any Six Flags and participate in a giant flash mob.  Mary’s gonna be dancing in Washington DC with a congresswoman and Michelle Kwan! Godamnit where is my cynicism! This actually sounds really fun! You could also run in to this guy:

I’m in.

Okay! Back to solos. Jordan’s up first, and she’s gotten back to her roots with some developpes, splits, booty shaking, and general gyration to Rihanna’s S&M.

Next up is Jess, in his typical suspenders and white gloves. He does a really, really long pirouette that takes up literally half of his time. Eh whatever Jess. I know you’re a great dancer and shit. But I’m bored. I think he’s having Little Dog Syndrome tonight cause he keeps trying to be all manly.

Oooh tour tickets go on sale tomorrow! I’ve never been and I really want to… Me want some hot Filipino man meat in living color!

After the break we have Caitlynn. This wasn’t really dancing for your life quality, but she did go a little bit outside her wheelhouse to give up some sexy time with some good acting thrown in.  She also has a little butt foof on so that’s cool I guess.

This is actually one of Tadd’s better solos! H’es very joyful, leaps ALL over the stage, and it’s full of tricks. Plus it’s set to a Harry Belafonte song, which is hilarious. After his solo he does a victory lap of the studio, HAHAHHA. If he’s going out he’s going out with a bang.

While the judges deliberate, we have a performance by Gaga, who I must say I am feeling more congenial towards after her surprisingly unweird judging stint. Plus she’s not lipsynching! Cat says she’s doing her new single You and I, but this in fact the Edge of Glory. I love her blue side ponytail. OH LOOK ITS MARK! He’s the only one dancing in the spotlight with Gaga. Way to know your audience!

Oh, it just switched into another song… which is really weird and country sounding.. I don’t get it. Gaga’s actually a pretty good performer. She seems excited and jumps all over the place, and her voice sounds passable.

Enough filler! It’s elimination time. Nigel gives a really long speech about how good everyone is. Blah dee blahhh. In this case, they’re just going with whoever got the lowest votes. In other words, trial by hotness.

hmm… shall it be.. flubby waist small boobs big head? or brunette Barbie? WHO SHALL IT BE?

The judges didn’t like either of their solos, but the one going home is…. Jordan. I like both of them fine, but I think Jordan is more interesting to watch – I would be more interested to see what she whips out next week than Caitlynn. But whateva, I’m not that broken up. Top 8 ain’t bad after all! I’m surprised she got this far with the squeaky voice, and slight pudge.

The boys are up next, and Nigel yanks off the bandaid quick and lets Jess go. We get a great montage of his mugging through the weeks, along with all of his routines, which I had already forgotten about!

Next week! Christina Applegate & Lil C judge; all stars are Kent Boyd, Jaimie Goodwin, Pasha Kovalev, Janette Manrara, Ellenore Scott and tWitch. WOO! That’s a great lineup! It’s been great pinch recapping for ya’all. Look for me in the comments section next week.

i just like this picture.