Oh Gasmi, I am so fucking irritated right now. Gah!!! Okay, gotta hold it together here. Let’s start at the very beginning.
A very good place to start.
Sorry, I can’t help myself. Although in reality, it IS a good place to start because maybe I’ll be able to calm myself down a little bit. **Deep breaths**
So. We start out this show the way we always start out results shows: with a group number.
Who else could tell two seconds into this routine that it was one of Sonya’s? If not the choreography, then the music and costuming would have given it away. I think this is one of the best large group routines we’ve seen on the show. Say what you will about Sonya, but she sure knows how to stage a number.
I know some of you have said you’re over her, but I still really like Sonya as a choreographer. Yes, she reuses a lot of the same moves over and over, but really that can be said of a lot of choreographers out there, including the UNPARALELLED Fosse. For me, I find her quality of movement really interesting and I dig the pictures she creates.
Cat reminds us how this results show thingy works, telling us that three couples will be in danger of going home tonight.
Keep rubbing it in, Cat, keep rubbing it in
They’ll all dance solos, and then the judges will send home one guy and one girl. She thinks it’s going to be incredibly tough for them. I think that’s why they get paid the money they do so they should suck it up and do their fucking jobs.
Megan is back with us again tonight and I think she may have actually slept in the studio after the performance show.
Either that or her hairdresser is on strike.
Cat asks the question we’ve all been dying to know.
Nigel, why are you such a disgusting perv?
Oh no, sillies. She wonders if there will be a National Dance Day again this year. Well of course, Nigel tells her, it is an annual event, after all. For those of you on the edge of your seats, Dance Day will be July 30th and there will be three routines, one really tough, an intermediate one and an easy one so that everyone can join in on the flash mob fun.
I’ll be the one in the red gloves.
Cat tells us we’ll be seeing the new GagMe video later in the show (Yipee) and then to whet our appetites, shows us this.
Ummmmm…..thanks? I now officially didn’t gain any weight from the bag of cheese curls eaten directly before this picture popped up. Huh. Maybe I’ll put a copy of it on my fridge.
But enough of GagMe grabbing Nigel, it’s time for some results. Cat brings out the first three couples: Melanie and Marko, Missy and Wadi, and Iveta and Nick.
I’m calling safe, bottom three, safe for this grouping. Cat starts out with Melanie and Marko, and it’s no shocker that they are safe.
And adorable to boot.
Cat recaps the performances of Missy and Wadi and then Iveta and Nick before announcing that Missy and Wadi are………safe. Wha? But then she asks Nick to take her cur cards off stage with him when he leaves.
Phew! For a minute there I thought they were in the bottom which would have annoyed me. It also must be said that Cat does fakeouts much better than anyone else on this show. I’m looking at you, Mary.
Time for the next round of results. Cat reminds us that we already know that Mitchell is in danger of going home because of his bum elbow.
Just wait, Deeley
He is cleared to dance his solo tonight, so he won’t automatically be going home. Let’s bring out our next round of couples.
Damn! It’s hard to make everyone out in this group, but we have (from right to left) Jordan and Tadd, Ashley and Chris, Clarice and Jess, and Caitlynn sans partner. I’m calling Ashley and Chris and Jordan and Tadd in the bottom. Or maybe Clarice and Jess. They can’t all three be in the bottom because we’ve still got three couples (and WOO man) left to go.
Cat starts with Ashley and Chris which normally means they’re safe. Bleh. But wait! They’re not getting their results yet; Cat is also talking about Jordan and Tadd which means one of these couples is in the bottom. I wasn’t a fan of either of them, but I’d rather Stripperella go home than Smiley Ashley.
Bottom three it is!
Good. We’re now down to Caitlynn and Clarice and Jess. I really liked Caitlynn and am not really worried for her since all the girlies seem to love Robert and he just happened to fill in for Mitchell.
The girlies obviously don’t feel that way about Jess since he lands in the bottom with Clarice. Too bad, so sad.
We’re now going to take a break from the results segment of our results show for a super special musical guest I have never heard of. Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s Keri Hilson!
It’s always so great when the performer gives up lip syncing less than halfway through the number, don’t you think? God, you know it’s bad when you’re thinking this girl was probably a Pussycat Doll reject whose dad then financed her first record. Or something like that.
Actually I invested my own money. Might as well have flushed it down the loo!
Ready for more results? We’ve got our last three couples of the evening to deal with.
I’ll be shocked (and homicidal) if Miranda and Robert don’t land in the bottom.
Thankfully I can put murder on the backburner this evening because they are indeed in the bottom three. Good thing. I’m way too busy to be going to jail right now.
Time for another musical guest, this time from the dance world. Remember when Phillip and Jeannine did that godawful Russian folk dance and Nigel was a complete dick about it?
Поэтому да. да мы делаем.
Well, Cat tells us, this time they’re going to show us how it should be done. And they’ve brought in a former dancer from the Bolshoi Ballet to do it.
Very nice. I wish they had actually done the partnered version since that was what bombed on the show so badly, but I’d definitely rather watch this again than have to watch Keri Hilson not mouth the words to her crappy song. So A+ I guess!
Solo time. Mitchell’s up first.
Eh. It’s typical contemporary fare, complete with John Mayer song. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a really good dancer, but after eight seasons it’s gonna take more to impress me than this.
Up next, Jordan.
Nice to see she’s living up to her nickname. All Stripperella is missing here is a pole. And what the fuck is up with the gold fringe hanging off her left boob? I really want her to go.
Time for Tadd.
I really like him and I’m so annoyed he’s got Stripperella for a partner. Here’s hoping she gets sent home so that he can be paired up with someone I like more. Also, am I the only one that has noticed he has oddly smooth yet plump lips? They’re sexy and disturbing all rolled up together.
Moving on, let’s give it up for Clarice!
Well, flashing your vagina at Nigel is always a sound strategy in times like these. I like her more than Stripperella, but this solo wasn’t really anything to write home about. I mean, we’ve seen some really awesome stuff over the last seven seasons. For me, what I’ve seen so far tonight is just not cutting it.
As Cat tells us that three more solos are yet to come, Nigel throws his hands up in the air. Oh, shut it you drama queen. He says there aren’t enough superlatives in the English language to talk about these kids. Oh, but there are plenty we can assign to you.
Come on, shout out your own!
After a short break wherein hopefully Nigel has put on his big girl panties, it’s time for Jess.
So here’s the thing with Jess for me: he’s really good at what he does, but he SOOOOOO knows it. I could actually watch him dance again and be happy but would prefer to not look at his face while he’s dancing. Way too much mugging for me, and I still maintain that he will NOT be able to handle criticism. At all.
Let’s move on to Miranda.
Aside from her hair scrunch at the end, I thought she had the best girl’s solo of the night. She’s kind of a non entity for me right now, but I think that’s because she’s paired with my least favorite person on the show. Hey! Maybe he’ll get kicked off along with Stripperella and then Miranda and Tadd can partner up! WOO!
Speaking of Woos, it’s Robert’s turn.
What the fuck was that supposed to be? I’m trying to think of a worse solo that we’ve seen on this stage. I have to admit, there are a few that come close (like Kupano’s take a dump on stage solo) but this is right up there if not in first place. Does anyone out there actually think this was good? Please tell me, and then give me the name of your drug dealer because I want some of whatever shit he’s been selling you.
While the judges deliberate, Cat has some exciting news for us. Remember when a certain pop star made her TV debut on the SYTYCD stage?
Ah, nostalgia. Although I do have to hand it to GagMe because you can totally tell in that clip that she was SINGING unlike most of our guests nowadays. So the exciting news is that GagMe has agreed to be a guest judge later this season. Oh goody. Can’t wait.
Also, we get to see her new video. Are you excited?
Ha! The editors are no GagMe fans either and cut out to commercial before the video is even over. Though sadly before Clarence Clemens does his sax solo. Hey! Please let us show your video on our program and then we’ll cut it off! It will be FAB!
Whatever. Cat has the guys read to hear which of them is going home, but first Nigel has to say something.
Got new dentures today – what do you think?
He just wants to point out that Clarence, who was the saxOFFinist no GagMe’s video has had a stroke and he would like us all to send positive thoughts for his recovery. I’m sure he’ll positively love you cutting out his solo there Nigel. Also, right after Nigel asks that we send positive thoughts, this happens.
Really, Jess? Stop playacting for two fucking seconds, will you?
So now it’s time for resul…nope. Wait. The judges have decided that they would like Mitchell and Robert to dance again. Please clear the stage.
Same shit, different minute.
So now we’re starting with the girls. Nigel tells Stripperella that she is an absolutely superb, controlled, beautiful personality. Everything she’s got is just amazing.
Especially your cookies.
He calls her one of the great dancers across the ages. Commasaywha? That may just be the stupidest thing he’s said. Well, tonight at least. He tells Clarice he’s glad she ended up in the bottom because that means he got to see her dance, and then tells Miranda that her elevation is incredible (it is) and she has beautiful feet up there as well.
It’s so difficult to decide which of them to send home tonight, but they have to do that. But not yet. Guys please. Robert and Mitchell come out. All the guys please, all the guys, hurry! He blows more smoke up each of their asses before announcing that no one is going home tonight.
ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!?!?!?!?!? What a fucking crock of shit. I cannot believe this! Why? Well, because Nigel would like to give America the chance to see more of them. UGH. I just wasted an entire hour of my fucking life. I am so pissed and annoyed right now.
Oh, and because of his proclamation, two couples will go home next week. Two?
How much would that suck if the two that go home weren’t even part of THIS bottom three?
So there you have it, Gasmi. No one leaves us this week and next time we get to do the top twenty show all over again. What are your thoughts on this? Are you glad to see all of these dancers get a second chance or would you have been happy to send two along their way? I think we’ve established how I feel about the whole thing.
I guess I’ll see you in a few days when we do the top twenty remake. See you there!