Tabatha’s Salon Takeover: Frankie bGood

As the East Coast thaws, Tabatha departs for the golden state to rescue the marriage of Shannon and Frank. Newly married and newly in debt, they opened bQute Salon in the hopes of making Shannon’s styling dreams a reality. Frank is now managing the salon although he has no salon experience. Where does Frank have experience? Pretty much every other field in the free market. Frank can prepare your taxes, book your cruise and file your divorce declaration from his little back office in bQute.

Can H&R Block get your a rebate and a relaxer? NO!

Shannon is frustrated with the staff and doesn’t want to have to solve their problems, share her space, or waste her breath dealing with them. So how does she spend her time? Yelling at her husband. Frank is well-intentioned, but maddeningly clueless — it seems evident to me that he (and I have a PhD in Reality TV Psychology from TVgasm University) had a complete split with reality and decided he works as a mortgage broker in a office in Omaha.

I don’t know if latent schizophrenia is legal grounds for divorce or bankruptcy, buton the new episode of Tabatha Salon Takeover, bQute will be visited by the Ghost of Bankruptcy Future as Miss Tabatha Coffee comes to town.

The episode opens with Tabatha in the California sun calling bQute salon. The phone rings as Frank and Shannon are bickering at the desk. Frank picks up the receiver and says… “bQute Beauty Bar and Boutique, this is Sebastian.” Tabatha has obviously been warned of Frank’s schizophrenia and politely requests he get his wife and meet her outside.

Sebastion knows bEauty…

When the couple greets Tabatha the tears are already rolling down Shannon’s face. She can advise you on the business, she doesn’t have the authority to institutionalize your husband. bCalm.

As soon as owners Frank and Shannon are seated, Tabatha asks Frank why he answered the phone “Sebastian”. Frank explains that his wife has renamed him because “‘Frank’ would run an auto body shop not a salon.” Tabatha comments that it’s the oddest thing she’s ever heard — and they proceed on to the oddest shit she’s ever seen.

bReady

Just after the wedding, Shannon and Frank took a lease and opened the salon. In six months they’ve managed to screw their credit, but not each other. They’ve maxed out their credit cards opening the salon and they aren’t seeing the return. They fight with each other and they fight with their staff. Frank is forced to be manager, because Shannon just wants to be a stylist, but they both make terrible leaders. They’re unhappy in their business and their marriage. They can’t get away from each other or the mess they’ve created.

Tabatha asks the couple about their hopes for the salon. Shannon says she wants to take it a step beyond the “beauty shop”, Frank boasts that he wants it to be “the best salon ever!” If by “ever” he meant, the north end of the strip mall, then he has a good chance.

Tabatha squints through her fake lashes at Frank, but he doesn’t seem to register her doubts, “it is a lofty goal,” she tells Mr. Should bCommitted.

“If you want to have it all, you have to do it all,” Frank tells Tabatha as he segues into his… um… diverse business plan. He goes on to explain that bQute will not only get you cute/qute… it is a magical land that will solve your problems. Most people want to sip a mocha latte and read a magazines while their highlights are processing, but that’s not what Frank sees. He seems to think that as people are seated under the dryers, they are stressing that they’re wasting time they could be using to research cruises or prep their tax return. They must say to themselves, “Self! I hope I come across legal professional on the way to the salon’s sinks — someone who will be well equipped to advise me on my coming bankruptcy.” Poof, there’s Frank!

Until Shannon renames him Sheldon, because as we all know. A Sheldon can do your income taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon’s your man…

After the camera catches Tabatha twitching, she comments…

“One stop shopping, how can you lose. (pause) Apparently, you are losing.”

The footage rolls and “Hostess” Ebony is ready to bust open the vending machine to pluck her fruit snacks from limbo. Oh yeah, there are vending machines in the salon too. In case anyone was peckish after signing their mortgage papers. They can stop at the Jamba Juice in the reception area. Not only is the vending machine a trashy touch, but so is Ebony.

Footage rolls again and this time Shannon and Frank are facing off. Frank is avoiding salon duties to book a cruise for a client. Shannon seems to think that Frank should be able to “exfoliate the situation.” And when you’re done you can loofah yourself, cause you’re alone with your foot massager tonight.

Without the benefit of censorship, (please Bravo bMerciful) Ebony is yapping to a stylist and says that Frank isn’t getting any pussy tonight. So now the staff, their clients, and the world knows their business.

Tabatha is so shocked by the fighting on the floor and the tacky behavior in front of the clients that she let’s Ebony’s candid comments slide — she wants to point how bad it is to air your personal problems in the salon.

We turn back to the screens where Shannon is pushing around junior stylist Brittanie. Brit went for some of Shannon’s products and instead of the battling it out in private, Shannon continues to yell at Brittanie, over the head of Brit’s client as she’s washing her hair. Brit threatens to spray Shannon and Shannon responds as any professional would, she chucks the bottle of product at Brit’s head. Narrowly missing the client and most certainly grabbing Tabatha’s attention.

The throw was wide, but the passion was there…

Seriously, WTF?!?! TC’s bunny-rabbit eyes say as she turns to Shannon. Miss T tells them they have to lead by example. They’re so terrible she can’t even wrap her head around it how far beyond terrible, their level of terrible is. She takes the keys from Frank and storms the salon. The stylists gather around and the first comments on Tabatha’s arrival are cut in. Suave (pronounced like Rrrrrico), is first to draw attention to himself and his Situation meets Sisqo ‘do, and say he’s not dealing with Tabatha’s mouth.

Tabatha says the salon staff has no respect or detectable level of professionalism. Seriously, Gill Grissom couldn’t find a speck of professionalism under the Brittanie’s nails after she’s been attacked by her co-workers. First stop on the tour is the entrance where all the services offered by the salon are listed. Apparently Frank negotiated a bigger chunk of the signage budget for his businesses, because there is only one small sign on the opposite side that reads “bQute”.

bQute… we do hair or something?

Enter through the front and there’s the vending machine, which will dispense templates for resumes, wills or divorce decrees along with orange soda.

Farther into the salon is the customer lounge, which like the rest of the salon is riddled with garbage.

Looks like Australia, smells like Tijuana.

The salon smells, Tabatha says she hasn’t seen this many flies since the last time she was in Australia. There is weave on the floor, color (and probably blood) on the walls. It basically looks like my high school cafeteria after the juniors’ class Mommy and Me was broken up due to the discovery of two “Joe America Jr.’s*” on the attendance list.

He loved you both… swear.

The names of the innocent have been changed to protect them from their dumbass parents.

Last stop is the boutique, which is in fact a consignment shop for the insane or 1978 Robin Williams.

Can you continue reading this post, or have you been blinded by those pants?

Tabatha calls for a staff meeting — 9am the next morning. When the staff of bQute is assembled they all confirm what Tabatha has suspected. Frank and Shannon set the tone for the salon. They breed the drama. They say that Shannon announced that she stepped down as manager, but when she wants to be “the boss” she’s more than happy to take back the title.

Frank doesn’t accomplish anything, but distracting the employees. They openly fight in front of clients and they are happy to blame the staff.

Ebony steps up to bad mouth Frank, but gets slapped back in line by Tabatha who wants to know why she said she won’t take out the trash. Ebony says she’s not “Molly the Maid” she’s here to be a hostess. A hostess who is more concerned with pillaging the vending machine then making sure the clients aren’t receiving their services while waist deep in a compost heap.

Suave tries to grab some airtime by calling Tabatha ‘sweetheart’. Tabatha announces that she is not his ‘Boo’ — her name is Tabatha. Tabatha, Mistress of the dark and ruler of your ass.

With that she wants to know who else on staff is ready to run from bQute? Everyone’s hand shoots up.

bReady for the lawsuits

It’s time to assess the stylists and Shannon is first to conduct a consultation. She knows what she’s talking about, even if she doesn’t convey that to the client effectively. Brittanie’s consult is worse, she keep saying “we’ll see” how things turn out. She’s not experienced or confident.

One of the older stylists gives a great consultation, which assures Tabatha that bQute does have some experience and talent. It’s just overshadowed by bIpolar bHavior. While Frank lounges in the office, Ebony follows Tabatha’s marching orders and takes out the trash. She’s donned rubber gloves to carry a waste paper basket out to the dumpster. She knows what she has to do, she has to take the trash out. NO ONE TOLD HER THE CAN HAD TO COME BACK IN. Duh. So she just heaves the entire can into the dumpster and storms back inside.

Tabatha was not witness to that stunt, but she has stumbled across the publicity stunt of all publicity stunts. Frank is “thinking outside the box” and has delayed the Grand Opening of bQute, so he could complete his dream guest list. A guest list that includes President Obama and the mayor of Palmdale. Tabatha emits squeals of laughter as Frank looks on, still proud of himself for extending the reach of bQute all the way to Washington.

Barack has the Secret Service, Tabatha has to confront lunatics face to face.

Once Tabatha has caught her breath, she approaches Shannon to tell her she really does have the craziest husband in all of California. But only because Charlie Sheen is currently legally separated… Nice work, Frankie bGood.

Shannon nods as Tabatha clutches her head and tries to imagine the fiction that must have went on the application for Frank to be approved for a business loan. Shannon admits that she’s not surprised, Frank only really brings in 20% of the business.

Bless his heart, he’s trying a lemonade stand next.

The assessment is over and Shannon does good work and just needs to communicate and share her experience with her staff. Brittanie is inexperienced and her cut is lopsided.

Tabatha sits the owners down and tells them they need to be able to better communicate if they want to save her business or their marriage. They also need to lead by example. Everyone on staff is afraid to approach Shannon, including Frank. He doesn’t want to fight with Shannon, so he ends up wandering and being a distraction.

It’s time for them to get some serious help. Tabatha drops them off at couple’s therapy. They discuss their intimacy issues and seem to be motivated to separate their business from their home and family. Tabatha meets them outside and announces that she has… a plan. Off the high of their psychological break through, Tabatha is ready to challenge Frank’s fragile state of mind by bringing the couple into the Mojave desert where the rest of the staff is waiting to participate in survival training and team building activities.

The staff actually does well, everyone except Ebony. She’s protesting being dragged to the desert by wandering farther into the desert. Tabatha points this out to Shannon, Ebony’s not a part of the team. However, Frank is a really essential party of the team, he leads the building of the shelter and Tabatha comments that “maybe we need a little more Frank in the salon and a little less Sebastian.”

A little more bQute by my side.

It’s time to kick off renovations, so she brings the staff back to the entrance of the salon, where Miss T arms everyone with a palate knife to scrape Frank’s red business signs off the window. Franks says that it felt like they were “pulling a bandaid off of my heart.”

Three days later everyone returns to bQute it is bUtiful. The fruit snack color palate has been scaled back, the boutique is only stocked with hair care products — and hopefully the core business of the salon has been strengthened.

The last day goes well. Even Ebony loses the attitude long enough to take out the trash. The only person who is lost is Frank. He wanders around testing out the chairs like a sofa salesman at the worlds’s lamest trade show.

La-Z bOy

Brittanie is still troubled about her altercation with Shannon. Brit airs her grievances, she tells Shannon if it had been anyone else, “I just would have been throwing ‘bows”,  which is a new term for Tabatha. Shannon apologizes and they walk away friends.

For her recommendations Tabatha says that Frank should become a silent partner. When they announce that to the staff and everyone agrees. When Tabatha returns 6 weeks later the salon is doing well and focusing on their core business. The only person who wasn’t committed to the change was Ebony. She was thrown out on her non-maid ass.

What do you think ‘gasmi? This place was Hell’s hot mess. If Shannon and Frank weren’t so agreeable, if not totally insane, I think Tabatha could have ripped this place apart. But it’s just another episode of Not Tuff Enuff Tabatha. bReal.