TCJD: Black And White And Hag All Over

I’m not gonna lie Gasmi, I’m hella pissed.  This episode of Top Chef Just Desserts is such a fucking crock of shit.  Okay, deep breaths.  We’ve got a long way to go and plenty to bitch about, so let’s jump right in.

We start out this week back at the apartment where Olive Oyly is doing her damnedest to beat out Fleasa for the title of most disgusting contest ever.  Gotta give it to the girl, I think she may have actually added more grease to her hair.  Go for gold, Oyly!

Black gold, that is.

Meanwhile over in HaggyHeather’s room, Team GoTakeAFlyingLeapOffATallBuilding cackles away about BandAid leaving.  Again.  Zac wonders if maybe she’ll be back again this afternoon.  I start to laugh, but then HaggyHeather cackles with glee so I immediately stop.  Ugh.  She’s even stopping me from enjoying perfectly placed snark.

“Hey, I know you guys are having fun laughing about ole BandAid, but is either of you EVER going to give me my pap smear?”

HaggyHeather tells us she’s not surprised BandAid went home since her skill level was just not up to par.   She’s thinking that Olive Oyly will probably be the next to go although she’d rather see Morgan booted out the door.  He doesn’t play fair, he degrades women and she thinks he’s like an annoying bug she’d just like to step on.

I know exactly how she feels.

They head over to the kitchen where Gail is waiting

with Lurch.

I keed, I keed. It’s Lurch’s shorter cousin.  No, sillies!  It’s actually Michael Laiskonis, Executive Pastry Chef of Le Bernardin.   Ooooooooo! I have had the pleasure of eating at Le Bernardin and I will say that man creates some mighty fine desserts.  Le Ripert is still my fave though.  Mee-Yow.  Or should I say Le Meow.

Actualee, zaa correct saying wut be “Lay Mee-Yowzzzzzzz”

Merci, Le Ripert!  I’m sorry, Gasmi, I can’t help it; I find the man oddly attractive.  I’d say it’s because his food is orgasmic, but I thought he was sexy before I ever ate at his restaurant.  I don’t quite understand it myself.

Anywhoodle, once the pastry chefs have properly oohed and aahhed over Chef Michael, Gail explains their challenge: to create a delicious dessert using savory ingredients.  Chef Michael tells the other chefs that he’s been reading the savory kitchen for years.  He tells them they will have to find a balance between boldness and restraint.

Oooooo!  Restraints!

Zac is nervous, y’all.  He doesn’t use real food in his cooking.  In fact, he tells us, he doesn’t eat real food either; he eats potato chips and ice cream.  Huh.  With that diet, I’d think he’d be fatter.  Either way, I’m sure it’s a result of having a vegan mom.  Just another example of why veganism is bad.

Oh, look!  This challenge has a sponser.  You see, they’ve decided to make things even more interesting by limiting the chefs to using only one pan.  However, Gail tells them, they will be able to wash that pan as many times as they want with this conveniently product place dishwashing detergent.  After repeating the product name a bazillion times, Gail tells them they have an hour for this challenge.  And……go!

Cue a mad dash to the ingredient table.  Morgan tells us he ran like a madman, and it turns out both he and Zac are gunning for the beets.  A two second tug of war ensues, but never fear!  There’s enough beets to go around.  Even enough for HaggyHeather to get a nice smack in the face.  You know, I’ve never liked beets all that much, but I may be willing to give them a second chance.

Awwww shucks, you’re making us blush!

HaggyHeather makes sure to tell us all that Morgan elbowed her in the face, but he was on the opposite side of the table from her, so I don’t really understand how that’s even possible.  I mean, isn’t Zac as much to blame for the beet smack as Morgan is?

She’s busy showing off her non existent swollen lip and telling everyone how bad it is that Morgan did that to her which I would agree with if it were true.

What do you mean you don’t see a bump?  It’s right there!  See it?  SEE IT?!?!?

Of course Morgan can’t keep his fucking piehole shut and yammers out something about going to the post with Shaq and if you get clocked you learn not to go to the post with Shaq.

And…….Jackass

Moving on, there is much cooking, followed by much pot washing.  Zac tells us this challenge is really hard because pastry chefs are used to using all their little gadgets, so having only one pot is like super crazy you guys.  Also crazy is the fact that Yigit has hoarded all the bacon and is now holding it hostage underneath his station.

He tells HaggyHeather she can have whatever she wants while Erika looks over in disgust.  She’s pissed, Gasmi.  And she’s super sick of Team GoLayDownInTheMiddleOfTraffic.  I don’t blame her here because it looks like he’s hogging it just so no one else can use it at all; not like when BandAid hoarded the peanut butter because she wasn’t sure of how much she needed for her boring peanut butter cookies.

I’m with ya, girl!

Time for our behind the chef story of the week…..Yigit’s mom was great at one pot meals when he was a kid, but his love for the kitchen was frowned upon as not being manly.  So I guess it’s no surprise to find out that they were less than supportive of him when he came out to them.

But it was kind of gross when his mom tried to seduce him.

Gail comes in to give them their five minute warning, and this leads us to Morgan laughing and telling us how much fun this challenge is for him.  Since the ice cream maker machines are off limits, Morgan has decided to use liquid nitrogen for the first time ever.  Yigit mutters out, “Seth lives.”  Hee!

Mommy???

Time’s up!  Gail and Michael visit Zac first.

Looks like dessert chili.

I think I might barf.  But wait!  That feeling intensifies as they move on to Eric.

And his bowl o’slimy fruit sprinkled with salty Italian ham.

Hey now!

Chef Michael wonders of Eric typically works with savory ingredients and the answer is no.  The barfy look on Chef Michael’s face tells me that this is the answer he expected from Eric.

pleasedon’tpukeoncamerapleasedon’tpukeoncamera

Olive Oyly tells the judges her dessert is an ode to the salad that everyone brings to a summer barbeque.

Looks more like a cocktail than a salad.

Morgan’s next, serving a bowl of pus.

And using the  Carrot Top’s pubes that BandAid left behind.

Fuck!  Why won’t those judges look over here?

Poor HaggyHeather, she’s trying to work that imaginary fat lip like a pro, but no one is paying her any attention.  I bet if she cried about her mommy Chef Michael might give her a big hug.

The judges continue to ignore Haggy as they move on to Yigit

And his liver topped turd.

When they finally get to Haggy, she’s dropped the whole ice to the face act.

And presents the judges with her “My dog’s got the corn poops” dessert.

Chef Michael asks her if the compote was cooked and she tells him it was, but she didn’t want to overcook it.  No worries about that as she lands in the bottom three for undercooking the beets.  Also because she’s a hag.

Joining her is Olive Oyly for making the kitchen floor too slippery and Eric slimy fruit is for breakfast, not dessert for crying out loud!

The top three are Morgan for correct use of liquid nitrogen and  Carrot Top pubes, Zac for his moist cake, and Yigit because everything tastes better topped with liver.  And the winner is……..

Thank you, thank you, thank you.  You’ve made me the happiest Zac in the world!

He says always a bridesmaid, never bride until today bitches!  He’s no longer the Susan Lucci of the challenges.  So he’s won immunity, but Gail asks if he’d like some cash instead.  How much?  She wonders if he’s willing to trade immunity for $1000.

Bitch, please.

He wants a higher offer.  Gail likes his style so she offers him $5000.  He takes it.  And then immediately regrets it.

I think I’m gonna puke.

Ha!  Poor Zac, he has buyer’s remorse.  See how bad impulse shopping can be?

Elimination challenge time.  The L.A. Times is celebrating their 128th anniversary.  Um….congratulations on the milestone?  To properly mark the occasion, they will be having a black and white party.  The chefs will be catering this party with black and white desserts.  Olive Oyly is grossed out because she thinks white food is really creepy.  Especially mayonaisse.

Other creepy white things?  Her face.

They have $500 and four hours to prep today, followed by an hour of prep at the venue tomorrow.  Now off shopping you go!

HaggyHeather is a bot nervous to be only using black and white, while Zac isn’t sure what he’s going to do given the fact that they don’t make black disco dust.  The horror!

Back in the kitchen the prepping frenzy begins.  Yigit tells us he’s a total news junkie, so he’s totally into this challenge.  He lists off a buttload of things he’s doing and it sounds like there’s going to be a lot going on.  He and Zac laugh and tease each other, and Zac tells him they’re not competition for each other since they’re so different.  It’s why Zac hasn’t killed him yet.

Olive Oyly says her headline would read “Local Gal Shows Pride For Newspaper Of Her City.”  Funny, I would think it would read

BP Under Investigation For Yet Another Oil Spill

She’s taking a literal approach by making a 1, a 2 and an 8 out of truffle, meringue, and cookies.  Sounds a little like a home ec project.

Zac asks Haggy to taste something for him, wondering if it’s too bitter.  She thinks it’s fine, but I think he should maybe ask someone else.

After all, bitter is her favorite flavor.

Zac tells us he’s making a deep fried whoopie pie.  Apparently this has been a signature dish of his for about a year or so.  He stumbled onto it by accident, and he thinks it is a great contender to win because frying is exciting.  I’d argue with him but then I remember how excited I get every time I order zeppolis at my local Italian restaurant.  Mmmmmmmmmmmm…….what were we talking about?

Let’s check in with Eric. He’s a little worried because he doesn’t seem to have enough egg yolks.  Meanwhile Erika is getting a little cranky because he’s tying up the mixer and she needs to use it.  I think this may be the most annoyed we’ve ever seen Erika.

In comes Johnny Hair Gel for his requisite visit.  He stops off to visit with Erika first and voices concern when she tells him she’s using blackberries.  I’m concerned too.  Blackberries aren’t actually black, they’re purple.  And while I happen to love them, I don’t think Erika is doing herself any favors by ignoring the challenge.  She tells Johnny not to worry, she’s going to have great flavors.

I’m also adding in some hair gel just for you

Carry on.

Next stop for Johnny is Eric who tells him he’s really trying to concentrate on his plating this time around.  Johnny wonders how Eric is going to elevate Mississippi mud pie.  Perhaps he’s planning on using a pedestal.  God!  What a Negative Nancy he is!

Haggy tells us her headline would be Bold & Beautiful because her flavors are bold and she thinks her dessert will be beautiful.  She tells Johnny that she’s using cranberries and pomegranate juice to flavor her gingerbread and of course he’s concerned about the fact that pomegranates and cranberries are red, NOT black.

I’ve been practicing my concerned look in the mirror.  What do you think?

And with that, Johnny is outta there.  Hell, hair gel can’t hold in a hot kitchen forever you know!

Morgan tells us he has a dessert in mind and he’s thinking about blocks and columns; he wants to celebrate that concept.  He’s looking for real architectural structure in his dessert.  Erika tells us her headline would read, “The Black Girl is Getting Tired.”  Oh no!  Don’t be tired, Erika!  we need you!  She tells us she’s nervous about the blackberry not been black enough or being too purple, BUT she is very confident her ice cream; she’s known for her ice cream and she knows it’s gonna be great.

Back at the apartment there is singing in the kitchen and Morgan is ready to lose his mind.  After a loud and crazy day in the kitchen, he doesn’t really want to be berated with show tunes.

If I hear “On My Own” one more freaking time……….

Any requests?

The next day the chefs arrived at the venue to begin prepping before the party.  HaggyHeather reiterates the challenge for us and tells us her only concern is that maybe she should have listened to Johnny about the color of her dessert, but there’s nothing she can do about that now.

Meanwhile, Zac is heating up his oil and pankoing his whoopie pies so that they’re ready to fry when the party begins.  Morgan’s having a little bit of a cake issue.  It looks like his syrup ran off the cake rather than soaking into it, so he’s trying to soak it again.  Yigit is busy assembling his super complicated dessert, while Eric looks on and tells us he just doesn’t get Yigit.

He’s totally harshing my mellow.

Haggy wants to know if anyone’s seen a half tray of white chocolate rice krispie treats.  Morgan says he saw them yesterday, and somehow Haggy turns that into that he must have done something with them.  She’s convinced that Morgan is trying to sabotage her, but she doesn’t level the same accusation when Yigit also says he saw them yesterday.

Whatever.  Morgan has also caused global warming and the economic collapse of this country.

deep breaths…….pretend this is Haggy’s face……..breath in, stab out…………

He says Team TakeALongWalkOffAShortPier are a bunch of back stabbing liars and he doesn’t trust them as far as he could throw them.  And he could throw them pretty far.  Does he realize that by saying he could throw them far that would mean he actually does trust them?  Morgan is a dope.

Why yes, yes I am.

There’s no time to explain to him about the subtleties of language though because the judges, they are a coming.  Fuck!  Looks like we’re getting Dumbass Dannielle again.  Where the fuck is YouBear?  I can’t stand this idiot.

Gail is looking lovely in her black and white frock, and Johnny has decided to dress his suit up with a little wallet chain.

The perfect accessory for any outfit.

They head over to Yigit’s table.

I guess brown is the new black?

Seriously.  There is no black in his dish.

They move on to Erika’s table.

Her dessert, while beautiful, is more purple than black.  Johnny chastises her, saying he warned her about that yesterday; she should have found a way to make it darker.  She says she agrees but everyone else was using dark chocolate and she was trying to be different.

Dumbass applauds Yigit’s creativity while Johnny says it seems like he overcooked his compote; it’s really thick and gummy.  Gail says he really packed a lot onto the plate, but Chef Michael thinks it all really works.

They appreciate that Erika is trying to be different but think that her ice cream has a really funky flavor to it.  Dumbass thinks it tastes a lot like glue.

I know because I eat all the glue I can get my hands on.  Elmer’s is my favorite!

Next, the judges head on over to Zac to get a sample of his fried whoopie pie.

Whoopie freaking do.

Umm….hellooooo? His dish isn’t black and white either.  It’s completely tan on the outside which does not gel with the challenge at all.

Did someone say gel??

Morgan says you can hear Zac’s voice over the crowd and in case you thought he was exaggerating, we’re given audio evidence of that.  Morgan calls it a Julie Andrews quality, as though he’s singing it from the hilltops in the Swiss Alps.  Ha!

Gail loves all the different flavors but Johnny doesn’t think the passion comes through and he thinks the filling is very, very sweet; almost like liquid sugar.  Michael agrees saying it’s a lot of heavy and sticky.

Time to stop at Morgan’s table.  He talks about how when they print the newspaper it’s all in blocks and columns so he wanted to make his dessert into blocks and columns.

It’s like those Lego projects he works on with his son during their Sunday visits.

Gail thinks it looks very South Beach (not the diet)

Did she just call my dessert gay?

No silly, she thinks it looks very deco.

Time to stop at Haggy’s table.

Love the twigs she’s garnished with!  I wonder if they’re some of the ones that have been lodged up her ass.

Johnny says he sees a lot of red on the plate and he wonders if she really embraced the black and white challenge.  She says she did.  Well, except for that part where she ignored it and did what she felt like doing.

Dumbass thinks that Morgan’s dessert looks like a little building.

But where are the little people?  Oooo! Is that a bottle of glue?

Johnny says he was worried about Morgan’s dessert being overly sweet but he was pleasantly surprised to find that was not the case.  Yeah, but Gail thinks the cake was dry.

Johnny tells the other judges how he voiced his concerns about Haggy’s dish yesterday, but she went ahead and ignored him anyway.   Michael says he enjoys the gingerbread flavor and that’s definitely the highlight of the dish.  Dumbass thinks it’s a tasty little number.  I think she’s a stupid little number.

They make their way over to Eric.  You know I love Eric, but I can’t help but think

Poo topped cake.

I know, I know.  I’m sorry.  All this chocolate is making me see poo everywhere again.

Gail commends him on his plating skills and how much they’ve grown and he practically creams his pants, he so excited.

They talk a bit about the coloring and Johnny says it’s within the realm.  I still don’t understand how brown and cream qualify as black and white, but Gail says true black and white are hard to achieve in the pastry world.  I’m sure there’s some reason why not, but how come they don’t just use food coloring?  How about licorice? Or black Sambua?

One thing is certain, they are all excited by how much Eric has grown since the beginning of the competition.  Johnny says he would actually think that this plate came from a pastry chef in a restaurant.  He leaves the “not just a baker” part unsaid.

Olive Oyly is telling her customers she’s the only one from L.A. and she is sure to point out the literalness of her dessert to the judges.  Because they can’t see for themselves that it is a 128.  Well, in her defense she probably does have to explain it to Dumbass; lord knows if that poor woman can even read.

Zac thinks she might go home today since her plate is more of a series of petit fours than an actual plated dessert.  Gail is enjoying her playfulness in the plating, but Johnny thinks it’s too sweet across the board, and it looks like Zac was right because Johnny also thinks it was more like a plate of petit fours than a composed dessert.

Does anyone else’s brain feel all tingly?

In the little snippet clip of the week Team ShoveItUpYourAssSideways are having an intervention.  Apparently Zac is very flamboyant but has a butch palate.  Somehow this is all hilarious to them as Zac tells us they have a lot of inside jokes.  The editors forget that inside jokes re rarely funny to anyone other than the people on the inside.  Hardy fucking har.

Time for judges’ table.  In the stew room, Yigit asks if anyone else had anything go missing today.  Oyly asks if he had something missing.  Haggy pipes up to say she did.  Yigit thinks it’s really shocking. But there’s no time for further discussion because here comes Gail.  They would like to see Olive Oyly, Haggy and Erika at judges table.

After they leave, the guys all let out a collective What The Fuck????

I’ve lost my  buzz. I’m bummed.

Once at the judges’ table, Gail breaks the news to the ladies; it’s a fake out.  They had the worst dishes of the evening.  Is Haggy surprised to be there?  She doesn’t know but she does know that she was happy with her dessert, even if she DID ignore the challenge.  She was just trying to give them flavors.  Chef Michael appreciates her flavors but he wonders if she just stuck to her guns without actually adapting to the challenge.

Erika immediately says she knows her dish was not dark enough, but she really loved her lemon poppy seed ice cream.

Say what?

He cannot believe she loved that ice cream.  Well, she did.  She thinks it was nice and light, but Johnny clues her in that the texture is not the issue with her ice cream, it’s the funky flavor.  Dumbass tells her it tasted sorta like soap.

Like glue.  Soap glue.  Soapy glueness.  My head hurts.

Puh-lease.  That woman is obviously retarded.

Chef Michael was intrigued by her decision to use blackberry but he didn’t feel like she exploited that enough.  Gail didn’t taste blackberries at all.

Olive Oyly thinks it’s really hard when you do things you like.  You like the taste, it’s black and white, she thought it was fitting for what the event was.

I even kept my hair grease out of it which, as you can imagine, is quite the challenge!

Chef Michael wonders if she actually thought about how each of the three components tasted together.  Well……no.  But that’s because she was thinking of it more creatively.  Johnny calls her out on that, saying it’s a cop out and she should have tasted everything together to let her guests know which was the best way they should eat her dish.

Back in the stew room, the guys are freaking out and not understanding how they could possibly all be in the bottom.  The ladies head back and only tell them tha the judges want to see them all,; no word is said to the guys about the girls having the worst dishes.

Gail doesn’t keep them in suspense for long though, spilling the beans that their dishes were the tops shortly after they came out to judges’ table.  The guys are happy and relieved to be in the top, especially Zac who gave up his immunity and was regretting that decision until Gail sprung the happy news.

Dang it Gail!  I think I just made a whoopie pie in my pants gurrrrrl.

After blowing the appropriate amount of smoke up the guys’ asses, Chef Michael is ready to announce the winner.  That person will be the one who embraced the challenge the most and showed them the most technical skill.  And the winner is…….

There are high fives and thumbs up and Yigit tells us he has finally tasted the forbidden fruit of an elimination win, and he thinks it’s tastes pretty bloody good.  I’m not sure how an elimination win is forbidden fruit, but whatevs.  Morgan carries Yigit off into the stew room.

Back at the judges table they discuss the ladies’ desserts.  They think Olive Oyly didn’t think about how her dessert was gonna be eaten.  Chef Michael says you should never sacrifice flavor for presentation, but Oyly did just that.In the stew room she’s hollering about how she can’t cook for any palate other than her own.  That is also a fucking copout.

Gail points out that Erika put blackberries into several of her components and yet she couldn’t find their flavor at all.  Chef Michael thinks that her ice cream was definitely her downfall.  In the stew room Erika is telling the others that she makes ice cream all the time, she lives off ice cream; there’s no way it tasted like soap.

They talk about Haggy, and Chef Michael thinks she is stubborn; she wanted to do what she wanted to do, challenge be damned.  Let’s bring them back out.

After Johnny has given them his little blurbs of not wisdom, Gail is ready to send one chef packing.  Ad the chef leaving us tonight is……

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?

What a crock of shit.  I am so pissed.  How can Erika be going home when Oyly has been in the bottom time and time and time again?  I am SO FUCKING PISSED!!!!!!!!  Crap.  Erika is one of the few people on this show I actually like and was routing for.  ARGH!

Erika is classy as she makes her exit, and you can tell the other chefs can’t believe that she is the one getting the boot.  I am still seeing red over this.  I think excessive hair gel use has rotted Johnny’s brain.  Dumbass was already stupid, but what excuse do the others have?  Shit.  I am so MAD.

What about you, Gasmi?  Are you pissed about the loss of Erika?  Were you annoyed that the black and white desserts weren’t actually black and white?  Did you think Haggy really got elbowed in the face or was she just being her usual Haggy self?

Next week, Haggy tells Zac to shut up!  Oh please oh please oh please let him bitch slap her!  See you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth