TCJD: Now Haggy Free!

What a fuckall of a week it’s been, Gasmi.  But I have to say, as I sit down to write the first Haggy-free Top Chef Just Desserts recap, a little giggle escapes me.  Yes, I am still quite happy over the sour one’s boot.

Back in the apartment, Oyly is also happy, but trying not to show it too much.

And the Oscar goes to…………..someone else!

Meanwhile Yigit is sad without his Haggy.  He says he felt like he was hit with a ton of bricks, and he thinks Haggy was one of the best chefs in the competition, hands down.  So it was a shocker to see her booted.  He also never expected that HE could be on the bottom so that’s been a bit of a confidence deflater.

ppffffffffffft

In the kitchen Gail waiting for them with a backdrop of flowers and a pretty bitchy looking Asian chick.  She is renowned cake decorator Sum Yung Ho.  I mean Ha Gee Too.  No, wait, Shinmin Lee.  You know how sometimes you can just look at someone and just tell certain things about them immediately, even before they open their mouths?

Ha Gee Too is a total bitch y’all.

In my mini recap I likened her to Haggy (back in her younger, less craggy-skinned days), and I stand by that because this lady may be pretty but she has a stank ass attitude that I can smell all way over here in Delaware.  Sorry, I’m getting a little bit ahead of myself here.

Zac chimes in at this point to tell us she makes beautiful flowers and gorgeous cakes, but don’t be fooled by her exterior. She may be pretty, but that girl breathes fire.

She also has some crazy dragon breath going on!

Gail tells them that desserts are a visual medium, so for this quick fire challenge they will be making an edible bouquet.  Eric tells us he’s not skilled at pulling sugar flowers, but he does do buttercream flowers so he’s hoping that he may have a chance to win this one.

He has not yet learned that Sum Yung Ho is a raging, fire breathing, dragon breathed bitch from hell. She tells the chefs that to achieve the status that she has achieved requires technique and precision, but also a heightened level of sophistication and creativity.

No modesty required.

Gail gives them three hours to complete their bouquets, and since immunity is no longer on the table, she’s raising the stakes a little; the winner of the challenge will receive $5000 courtesy of dishwashing liquid.  Zac does his duty by thanking out loud said dishwashing liquid by name.  Hell, if they were giving ME five grand I’d pepper their name throughout my recap.  But they’re not, so I won’t.

Time starts now!

Zac immediately grabs a mirrored monstrosity of a vase because every day simply must be a disco day.  Oyly tells us that she doesn’t normally do sugar flowers; she prefers to use real flowers so she’ll be using something more natural.

Eric is making a large sort of cupcake using a brioche mold and a planter instead of a vase.  Then he’ll decorate it with buttercream flowers.  Sounds pretty.

Yigit is making is very intricate looking orchids AND he’s going one step further by making his own vase out of sugar.  Meanwhile Morgan is making a bouquet of chocolate flowers.  He tells us this is his first opportunity to get in some sugar technique and show everybody that he can also pull sugar.  He proves to us how good his sugar pulling skills are

By giving his sugar an erection

We see Yigit making his sugar vase and he tells us it’s actually a very basic technique, but the resulting vases are very fragile.  They look like they would crumble if you farted in their general direction.  This sets up what is going to happen next.  Morgan is working over at the sugar station when all of a sudden one of the vases break.  Morgan is pretty upset to find out that he put his elbow through one of the vases and immediately tells Yigit and also apologizes.

Yigit concludes that Morgan is trying to sabotage him.  Personally I think the kitchen set up was his downfall since there seems to be only one sugar station, Morgan had no choice but to work there.  Maybe Yigit should have moved his vases away from the work area them being so fragile and all.  Anyway, he tries to use his backup vase and that one crumbles in his hands so he’s going to have to use a regular vase.

We get a glimpse of what everyone else is doing.

If you get caught between the moon and New York City…….

And then , time is up.  Yigit looks around and is impressed by what his competitors have crafted.  Ha!  Fooled ya!  He thinks everyone else’s is shit and his own is awesome.  Shocker.

Ha Gee Too and Gail visit Morgan’s station first.

I love how the vase even looks like it’s made out of chocolate

His arrangement is really pretty.  I wish he had time to make all of his flowers with color rather than some with staying brown, but other than that I think he did a good job.  I could definitely see it as some sort of fall centerpiece.  That bow is freaking gorgeous.  He earns a thank you and a bitchy little smile.

Oyly is next.

Those roses are disturbingly wet looking

She tells them how she likes natural and organic looking things so she used candied fruit, sugar cookies and marshmallows.  Gail asks if they can turn her bouquet around.

Rut roh.

Moving on to Yigit.

Why do his leaves look like they’re dripping blood?

He tells them that his creation came about in the last thirteen minutes and talks about how he was making a vase but it broke.  He doesn’t tell them Morgan broke it which I will get some points for because I was totally sure he was going to.

Zac’s turn

I bet his mirrored skyscrapers get great TV reception.

He tells them he went with some modern chocolate flowers and also took real leaves and used them as a template for the chocolate leaves.  A flower blossoms at the disco, if you will.  Ha Gee Too thinks it IS pretty disco-y.  I don’t think she means that as a compliment.

Last but not least is Eric.  I know immediately that Sum Yung Ho is going to hate it, but I think it’s pretty.

Couldn’t you see this as a centerpiece for a wedding or baby shower?

It’s not Southern enough for me. 

Sum Yung Ho confirms with him that he’s more comfortable piping the flowers rather than using sugar technique.  Yep.

Ha Gee Too thinks they all tried but some were pretty overly ambitious given their level of comfort. For those of you that don’t speak Bitchanese this roughly translates to:

You’ll never be as good as me.

Least favorites: Zac for his messy chocolate work (and FYI, disco is dead), Eric because his flowers looks messy and he’s just a baker.  That last part was silent.  Eric for his part loves what he did and thinks she is a bitch.  And if Eric thinks she’s a bitch I can only imagine just what a nightmare she actually is.  Of course he’s nice about her bitchiness just saying she is rude, but I think we all know what he means.

She is a T-W-A-T.

Oyly is also in the bottom for embarrassingly bare backsides.

This leaves Yigit and Morgan as the top two.  She would have liked to see him be more creative, but thinks that his looks the most professional.  She points out that she can’t judge Yigit on his attempt at sugar work (because it FAILED), but thinks his final presentation is well balanced and has a great personality.  Yigit’s response?  “Terribly thank you.”  My response to Yigit? “Huh Wa???”

Morgan takes the win and Yigit tells us this is a double blow to his confidence and if only Morgan hadn’t sabotaged him by accidentally on purpose breaking his paper thin vase he probably maybe might have won.

Wah wah wah wah wah

Morgan is happy about his win (duh) and calculates that this brings his winnings up to $36,000. Nice.

Elimination challenge.  For this challenge they will be catering a tea party hosted by Dana Cowan.  For those of you that have never watched Top Chef before, Yigit helpfully tells us that The Cow is the editor in chief of Food & Wine Magazine.  He would definitely like to impress her.

But it can’t be just a plain ole tea party, right?  Gail tells them Dana has a very specific theme for the tea:  Celebri-Tea.

WTF?

They will each create one hundred portions of two small tea party desserts based on and inspired by a celebrity duo of their choice.  What their desserts lack in size she wants them to make up for in their creativity, detail and possibly sense of humor.  She neglects to mention that they should taste good too.  Oh, and The Cow is a great mentor of hers so don’t go embarrassing her, mmmkay?

Don’t make me kick your asses

Shopping time.  They have thirty minutes and $300.  Oyly helpfully recaps the challenge for those viewers with Alzheimer’s and then tells us her duo is going to be Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter.  Huh.  That actually makes me like her a little more.

Now if only she’d wash her fucking hair.

Zac loves celebrities and (shocker) he loves musical theater, so he’s decided to use Julie Andrews and Blake Edwards as his duo. Excuse me for asking this question, but how are Julie Andrews and Blake Edwards a contemporary celebrity duo?  Has Blake Edwards done anything in the past decade?  And I love Julie Andrews, but she’s not what pops into my head when you say contemporary.  Eh.

Zac tells us he wants to do a creamy tart with a spoonful of sugar on it for Julie.  Because Blake Edwards directed the Pink Panther movies he wants to do something pink to represent him.  Anything but chocolate after his abominable showing in the quickfire.

Morgan is perusing the gossip rags, desperately searching for a celebrity duo.  He finds a story about Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian; something about Kim being bitter because Reggie hasn’t proposed yet.

Ugh.  Why do they blur out all the goodies?

What I like is that rather than pissing and moaning about how this challenge is not for him, he figures out a way to make it work.  Yes, I have officially joined Team Morgan.  Weird.

Yigit tells us his duo is going to be Madonna and Guy Ritchie.  Interesting given that they haven’t been a dup for what? Five or six years now?  Yigit thinks that since Madonna is the queen of pop culture and chocolate is the king of po(o)p dessert he’ll do two different chocolates to represent them.

Lastly, we check in with Eric who tells us he has chosen Oprah and Stedman as his duo because he thinks they are iconic figures and will translate well to a dessert.  He’s planning on some sort of brownie ganache thing for Oprah, and doesn’t share his thoughts about Steadman. The editors help us out by showing us a glimpse of his ingredients.

Ummmm……Potato kugel?  Oooooookay.

The chefs head back to the kitchen to begin their three hours of prep time for today.  When they arrive they notice something peculiar.

All the chocolate is missing

Cue panic mode to begin as Eric, Yigit and Morgan were all planning to use chocolate in their dishes.  In strolls Johnny with his pompadour high and his wallet chain hanging.

He just stopped by on his way to his audition for Grease

He takes great pleasure in pointing out that they may have noticed all the chocolate is gone.  Yeah, no shit Sherlock.  Well, he tells them, now that it’s down to the final five, they need to know who’s got what it takes to make it to the end.  By taking chocolate off the menu after they’ve already shopped?  Yep.  He justifies this by telling them chocolate is not normally the star of tea parties.  And off he goes like Greased Lightening.

I actually don’t mind that they’ve banned chocolate because I think it’s a good test to see what they can come up with without that crutch.  Plus, as you all know already, I fucking hate chocolate so I’m happy to not be subjected to multiple poopy looking desserts.

My problem is this: they didn’t tell the chefs before they went shopping so the twist does not have the same affect on everyone.  This is a complete crock of shit in my book.  I think any twist introduced should apply to everyone and this one obviously doesn’t.  So by the luck of the draw, Zac and Oyly are completely unaffected since they weren’t planning on using chocolate anyway.  BOLLOCKS.

Of course Zac is over the moon about this and gloating and preening about how awesome it is that he decided not to use chocolate.

Heeheehee! Sucks to be all of you!

Morgan pretends to quit, walking toward the kitchen doors and then swerving away at the last minute.  Zac laughs and laughs and laughs while secretly wishing he would have kept going.

Yigit is not happy about the chocolate ban, saying that it was essential to his Madonna recipe.  Now he has no idea what he is going to do.  Eric is also thrown for a loop since he was doing chocolate for one of his dishes.  He decides to do shortbreads, one sweet and one savory.  He’s hoping it will all come through in the end.

Morgan says his only issue is that he had a recipe in mind for a chocolate cake and now he needs to invent a new recipe.  He remembers that Reggie is a Saint, so he decides to do a Saintly Sacher white cake and use buttercream instead of ganache.

No biggie

He checks in with Oyly to make sure she’s okay, and she is since she had no plans originally to use chocolate.  She however is not giggling with glee at her advantage.  She tells us she’s doing something red for Conan since he’s a redhead and she’s incorporating Kix into Andy’s dish since he is a sidekick.  Cute.  This really gets her creative juices flowing.  I wish she wouldn’t talk about her juices.

Since I’m pretty sure they probably smell like pickles.

The next day they have one hour to prep.  After Eric tells us that the party room is really cute, Yigit says the kitchen resembles a little closet and is hot as freaking hell.  It could be a nightmare to work out of.

The service today will be staggered with Eric serving first.  He’s just hoping he can make it to the next challenge.  We see the guests and judges arrive, check in with the chefs to see how they’re doing, and then it’s time for service.

Doesn’t Gail look pretty today?

Johnny’s getting a little cozy with The Cow.

As the judges sit down Johnny tells the other judges about how he went in the night before and told them chocolate was being banned from their menus.  Gail thinks that maybe it’s an opportunity for them to think seasonally a little bit more.  Sure Gail.  That might have been the case if they were TOLD BEFORE THEY WENT SHOPPING.  UGH.  I hate this stupid twist.

Joining Gail, The Cow, and Johnny at judges’ table today are Dumbass Dannielle (WHY GOD WHY???) and Sum Yung Ho.  Hooooo-ray.

Here comes Eric.

If I didn’t already think Eric was in trouble, I’d think so now

Eric launches into his story about how his dessert represents Oprah and Stedman.  He’s a little flustered, so Johnny tells him to breathe.  He hightails it back to the kitchen as fast as he can.

Johnny says he hasn’t been to that many tea parties, but he’s thinking Eric’s desserts are a bit large.  Ha Gee Too answers by saying the Oprah dessert is too messy.  Johnny thinks that Eric’s compote is really tasty, and Ha Gee loves that the shortbread is crumbly.

Back in the kitchen Morgan is trying to do some cleaning up.  It just happens that he is cleaning up right where Zac is trying to plate.  This leads to Zac telling us that Morgan is a bully.  I don’t know if bully is the right word, but I do think he’s trying to play a little head game here.  He finishes his plating and is ready to deliver his dishes to the judges.

I think Oyly’s hair grease may have rubbed off a little in the crowded kitchen.

Mmmmm…a buttered bagel and some pepto.  Thanks Zac!

Here comes his story.  He tells the judges about his duo, saying that Julie Andrews is the original diva so he had to pay homage.

I do not think that means what you think it means.

I get what he’s trying to say here, but I think diva is not in any way the right word to describe Julie Andrews.  He details for them his dishes, utilizing the phrases “Captain Von Trapp”,“spoonful of sugar”, “pink panther”, “practically perfect”, and “Mary Poppins”.  I just may barf.

The Cow loves that the Captain von Trapp really has Captain Crunch in it.  They all seem to think it is the perfect bite.

Oyly’s turn.

This may be the first dessert that Oyly has made that I want to eat

She tells them about her duo, pointing out that the red dessert is Conan because he is a red head.  She also used jalapeno in it because she thinks Conan is hot and spicy.  They seem to enjoy her story, but Sum Yung Ho wants to know if the strawberry jam in her cake is homemade.

I don’t go for that jarred shit.

Yes, Little Miss PissyPants, it is indeed homemade.  And with, Oyly leaves them with her dishes heading back into the kitchen.

Sum Yung Ho thinks it’s very generous on the jalapeno, and Gail says it’s actually cleared out her sinuses. My mouth waters because I happen to love spicy food, especially if it can clear my sinuses or make my eyes water.

That’s a speecy spicy!

Johnny seems to think her cake is too lemony, but The Cow gives her points for her great idea. Dumbass Dannielle thinks that Oyly’s flavor choices don’t necessarily compliment each other but variety is what makes life and tea parties interesting.

You guys, I’m totally changing my name to Variety.

Morgan’s up and he tells us he’s missing chocolate already.  You’d never know that as he heads out to the judges.

I can truly see Kim’s ass in that macaroon.  Well, maybe Kim’s ass EATING that macaroon.

He tells the judges that he came up with the dessert first and then came up with a couple to match it.  I didn’t really think that was the case, but maybe he had already figured out what he wanted to make before he perused those gossip mags.

Johnny says at first glance it looks like the macaroon is overfilled, and The Cow points out that it’s not a one bite tea party macaroon.  Okay.  This is the second time that dessert size has been mentioned and I don’t know what the fuck they are talking about.  A dessert at a tea party is not an amuse bouche.  In fact, traditional teas include things like scones, biscuits, shortbread and small cakes.  NOT one bite desserts.

So shut it.

Sum Yung Ho talks about how the bitter was only on one side so she’s just getting the bitter now.  Uh huh.  Sure.  Maybe you couldn’t taste it over your natural bitterness.  Ever think of that?

As they move on to the Reggie cake, The Cow seems surprised that they are eating it with a spoon.  What?  Is she now banning spoons at tea parties?  They love the flavor, but don’t think that Morgan delivered on the finger food aspect of the challenge.

Yigit is the last to present his dishes and he is struggling in the kitchen.  Since Morgan considers him to be his main competition, he’s not upset by this and tells us he’s hoping to see Yigit go home.  For the first time ever Yigit seems to lack confidence in what he has made.

I can see why

Johnny immediately notices that Yigit seems a little flustered.  The food splashed on the front of his chef’s coat may have given that away.  He tells the judges about his duo, saying that the yogurt cake represents Madonna’s soft personality because that is surely how everyone thinks of her, and Guy Ritchie is represented by a simpler item which has about four thousand ingredients.  Okey doky then.

They think the Madonna yogurt cake is a little bland, and The Cow thinks if Madonna was going to be a dessert she would be a red hot.

But they’re for my mommy!

They’re more impressed with the Guy Ritchie dessert; Johnny thinks it may not have a lot of technique but the flavors are very masculine.  Ha Gee Too points out that in a tea party atmosphere the desserts are meant to sit around and be eaten at your leisure; she says this dessert wouldn’t stand.

And with that, service is over.

Time for our snippet clip of the week.  This time around it’s all about Oyly and her hogging of the bathroom.  Apparently she takes really long showers.  She must be doing some major shower nozzle masturbation in there because I think it’s obvious to us all she certainly isn’t washing her fucking hair.

And if her greasy hair wasn’t enough to gross you out, we find out here that she has a habit of bringing a box of cereal into the bathroom with her.  Who the fuck eats in the bathroom?  That is so nasty.  Hmmmm…..maybe there isn’t cereal in there at all; maybe she’s using it to transport her vibrator back and forth to the bathroom.

I love you, you wascally wabbit!

In the stewroom Eric is talking about how it’s win win regardless of the turnout because they’ve come so far.  I’m thinking not everyone agrees, but hey, whatever makes you feel better Eric.  Gail comes in and tells them that Morgan, Zac and Oyly are wanted at judges’ table.

Congrats!  You are the top three.  Gail says Morgan gave them quite a story about his desserts today; how does he think he did.  He tells them he wasn’t over the moon about his dishes today; he had a perfect recipe in mind but the no chocolate twist caused him to have to invent a new recipe and it didn’t come out exactly how he wanted it to.

Sum Yung Ho says it was her favorite thing that she ate today, and even though some people were complaining that they couldn’t pick it up with one hand, she was completely prepared to lick it off his balls her plate.

Johnny also loved the cake, particularly the flavors of his nuts.

Yum!

Gail wants to know how Zac decided to use Julie Andrews and Blake Edwards for his duo.  Well, he wanted to do something classy, and Julie Andrews is someone he always thinks of when he thinks of classiness.  He would also like to be Julie Andrews.

Dumbass Dannielle says something about his desserts being like the guest everyone wants to sit next to.  Have I mentioned lately that I think she’s a twit?  Ha Gee Too says that his presentation was the only one that reminded her of Devonshire, pinky sticking up while drinking tea.

Oyly tells the judges that she picked Conan because he makes her smile.  Dumbass loved that Conan as a dessert was tall compared to the Andy dessert.  Johnny is happy to finally see her be able to deliver on a concept as she planned it.

As the guest judge Sum Yung Ho gets to announce the winner.  And it is……….

He glows with excitement (and sweat) at the announcement

Gail asks him to send out Eric and Yigit.  Once out there Gail says that they both seemed so downtrodden when they came to the table.  What happened?

Eric says that from the beginning he just kept sinking and sinking and he had a hard time pushing through it.  Dumbass is disappointed in his lack of creativity, and Ha Gee Too is annoyed about the unevenly baked shortbread he presented.

Johnny points out that he should have an arsenal of items that he can pull from as a baker; after all, it’s what he does every day.  He was disappointed to see two shortbreads from him.  Scratch that.  He was a lot disappointed.

Gail tells Yigit that when he came to the table today he was a third of the Yigit they know.  He thinks it was more like a quarter.  She says they’ve never seen him like that before.  He’s never seen himself like this before.

He tells them that he never really recovered from the chocolate twist.  Dumbass tells Yigit that Madonna works out for three hours a day and his dessert was jiggly.

Like my brain

Can someone please punch her in the face for me?  Ha Gee Too offers better criticism, saying that the yogurt cake was very mushy and it wasn’t strong enough to support the custard.  Johnny pulls no punches here as he tells Yigit that his desserts were like the frozen petit fours on a cruise ship’s bad buffet display: weeping, sad, and flavorless.  He’s not even disappointed in Yigit;  he’s pissed off at what was presented.

Yigit’s not gonna make excuses.

Except you booted Haggy and she was totally my friend and I am sad that she’s gone and it’s all your fault because she was my Haggy Waggy Woo Woo and I miss her and cry into my pillow every night.

They head back into the stewroom so the judges’ can debate who will get axed.  I think it’s obvious who is going to go home although I am really hoping I’m wrong.  The judges think that Yigit’s idea was better, even if his flavor and textures were disappointing.

They call them back out.  To the surprise of no one, the chef going home tonight is…….

***sad horns***

He thanks them for the opportunity and I love that Johnny tells him he is a great chef as he shakes Eric’s hand.  Eric tells us his journey here was him becoming a more than just a baker; he became a chef on this show.

Back in the stewroom he hugs Morgan and tells him that he has been an inspriation.  Awwwwww, y’all; I’m getting a little misty eyed here.  Eric says he’s never had this kind of love and support and he chants out “I’m a chef, I’m a chef.”

I’m a chef who’s about to go smoke a bowl.

And there you have it, Gasmi.  While I’m not surprised to see Eric go, I am sad.  He seems like a genuinely nice guy and I wish him the best.  What did you think?  Were you shocked at Eric’s boot?  Annoyed by the chocolate twist?  Aggravated by Zac?

Next time, Yigit can’t finish his truffles in time, and we have some surprise guests in the kitchen.  Previous contestants?  Or family?  We’ll find out soon!

SWAK, PottyMouth