TCJD: Petty Party/Sou-Flayed

Gasmi!  Have you missed me ‘cause I sure as shit have missed you!  As Flipit mentioned in his awesome mini cap subage (Love you Flipit!), this is going to be a mega super extravaganza final two episode Top Chef Just Desserts recap!  Try to contain yourselves.  I’ve got a brand spanking new computer and I’m ready to break this bad boy in and see what he’s made of so let the games begin!

Oh, it’ll be broughten, don’t you worry!

We start where we always start, back at the apartment of course!  Yigit is still whining about being in the bottom and how haaaaaaard all this has been.  He hopes that he can snap out of it.

Does no one shave in the bathroom anymore?

He goes on, saying he still hasn’t recovered mentally or physically from the next challenge, but he really wants to win because Top Chef has never had a winner from San Francisco or a gay winner.  Way to give the conspiracy theorists a place to start if you win, Yigit!

Morgan tells us that the loft feels empty and he feels lonely; he misses his friends and his son.  His paranoia kicks in as he tells us he thinks there’s an alliance of three against one.  Unless there is some funky editing going on and this is actually an old clip of him talking about Team BitchFace, I’m not buying it.  Oyly may be a little grease monkey, but I can’t see her filling Haggy’s shoes in the threesome from hell.

In the kitchen the first thing we all see is a giant display of Godiva.  Btw, who else thinks that Godiva should sue Team Bitchface for sullying their name?  I can’t see their name now and not think about those three asshats.

Waiting with Gail and the mountain of chocolate is Francois Payard who Zac tells us has a reputation of being a very tough cookie. He is scared out of his pants to cook for this man.

Pleeze tu kep you pantz on!

Gail reminds them that there’s only one more round to go before the finale.  She says has been a long journey and they’ve got into each one of them through their food.  For today’s quick fire their going to tell their life story through a box of Godiva chocolates. That’s right folks, it’s the Forrest Gump challenge.

Each of them will need to make four unique chocolates to represent four unique milestones in their life.  One of those moments must be one that they cherish above all moments, their golden moment.  I immediately know what Morgan will pick as I’m sure every other parent knows as well.  Duh.

The winner of the challenge will have one of their pieces chosen by Godiva to sell in 250 of their stores.  They have two hours to create their chocolate masterpieces and…..go!

Zac gives us a little lesson in chocolate making before telling us that each of his chocolates is going to represent a different person in his life; it’s not just about him, it’s about his support group.

Morgan doesn’t want to disappoint Francois.  He tells us about how he moved to Brazil early in his career to work for Payard and there he met his wife.  It didn’t work out, and so he’s basing his first chocolate on his failed marriage and incorporating a little bittersweet ganache.

Just because.  You’re welcome.

Oyly tells us that for her business she makes a lot of truffles, and it’s definitely an art form.  She’s decided to do one in the shape of a baseball with caramel corn and peanuts to represent the bond that her and her dad have over baseball.

Morgan’s golden moment truffle represents the birth of his son.  Told ya!  Since his son’s middle name is Zen, he’s using green tea in his truffle.  Yigit’s golden moment is going to be when he fell in love.

With his doppelganger.

Holy crap.  I have never seen someone’s boyfriend look so much like their twin. Is anyone else a little creeped out by this?

For Zac’s golden moment he’s celebrating his parents’ 31st anniversary.  His mom loves chocolate, his dad pretzels, and so he’s combining the two in his truffle.  That leaves us with Oyly.  Her golden moment is when she started her business.

Holy Shit!  She really is Olive Oyly!

She’s making a rocky road truffle to symbolize the rocky road of small business ownership.  Zac tells us he thinks Oyly is a whack job; she reminds him of a cartoon character and that’s what her foods like.  And then he says she looks like Marilyn Manson and should go home.

Uh oh.  Piping bags are missing and Morgan wants to know where the hell they are.  Oh, no worries, Zac’s hoarding them all under station.  Morgan thinks he should go fuck himself; he’ll take all his shit and throw it in the trash and watch him cry himself to sleep.

You know I’m crazy enough to do it!

Yigit goes to unmold his bon bons and they fall apart leaving him unable to use what he previously worked no and scrambling for something to fill the gap.  But that something doesn’t work out and so when time is called, Yigit is missing a chocolate.

Gail and Francois visit Zac first.

Of course one of his is completely covered in gold.

He explains his truffles to the judges:  there’s one with blueberries and peanuts that represents his sister and brother in law, one about his friend that throws her lemon in his drink all the time, a lemongrass and ginger one that represents his best friend, and of course the one for his parents.  Francois finds the parent one to be interesting.

Oyly’s next.

That’s a lotta brown.

Her first one represents all the family vacations to Hawaii, the one with a heart no it is for her niece who she calls Anna Banana so she’s put a roasted banana filing inside, and then the ones for her dad and her business.  Francois loves the playfulness of the baseball one.

Morgan’s turn.

Gorgeous.  And I don’t even like chocolate.

His by far is the best looking box of chocolates.  He tells them there’s a lot of emotion in the box, so please bear with him while he tries to hold it together.  Cue eye roll.

His first represents his passion for cooking, then we have the bittersweet failed marriage chocolate followed by one representing his adventures here on Top Chef, and then the one for his son.  Gail thinks the green tea in that one is strong.

This is not the face you’re hoping to see on Gail.

Last up is Yigit and his incomplete box o’chocolates.

What’s with the American cheese topped one?

Right away he tells them about his failed attempt at making a creamy filling’d chocolate for Chef Francois.  The second truffle he made represents his move from Turkey to America.  Oh!  I get it!  That’s why he topped it with American cheese.  He says it’s apricot, but I’m not buying it; it’s just too cheesy looking.  The next represents his introduction to Buddhism, and the last is the love truffle.  Chef likey the love truffle.

Morgan thinks Yigit is falling apart; he can’t finish his truffles?  He wants Yigit to pull it together because he certainly doesn’t want to win by default.

Time to find out what Chef Francois thought about their boxes of chocolate.  He tells Yigit right way ee cannot juzshe im since ee deed not feeneesh.  Eee rilly lyk wat Zac deed but ee rilly ave a sweet tut.  Ee tinks dat both Oyly and Morgan were bot very very gut; ee love de pupcorn one and zee pineapple one waz very eentresting.  Morgan waz very nice looking but ze green tea waz a leetle tu sweet for eem.

And the winner is…….

The chocolate he picks as Morgan’s overall winner is the Top Chef one which will be manufactured and sold by Godiva.  Sidenote:  Godiva actually decided to box and sell ALL of Morgan’s chocolates.  I was trying to post the link here but I can’t get it to work.  If you want to check it out Godiva has them for sale on their website.  Congrats on that one Morgan!

For their elimination challenge, Gail says they’ve brought in a special guest.  In walks an adorable little old man who Gails simply introduces as Ben.  He tells the chefs that he and his wife are preparing to celebrate their 61^st wedding anniversary.  For this challenge each chef will create an anniversary cake for Ben and his wife.

He tells them that he met his wife at beach party; he saw one of the women wearing a bright yellow two piece bathing suit and she asked who wanted to go swimming with her.  He jumped at that chance and two years later they were married.  Awwwwww.

The winner of this challenge will receive $15,000 furnished by dishwashing liquid.  Yay for washing dishes!  They will be judged on the overall look of their cake and of course the flavor.  Off they go with thirty minutes and two hundred dollars to shop.

Back in the kitchen the chefs have ten hours to prep today and they’ll have two hours to finish tomorrow.  But first, Gail thinks they should spend some time with Ben and his wife…..

Sylvia Weinstock!

I wish I could say I was surprised by this, but my DVR guide spoiled it for me.  But I’m happy nonetheless because I think Sylvia’s the cat’s meow.

Sylvia gives them some tips about what she and Ben like (her lemon, him chocolate), her wedding colors (gown grey, bouquet pink roses).

Does this gown look grey to anyone?  It looks blue to me!

Ben jumps in with a story of some quality time spent under the piano after that beach party.  Sylvia says they are the luckiest people; they love each other, they have six grandchildren, three daughters, and they can’t wait to sample the cakes the chefs will be making for them.  Have I mentioned how much I love her?

Morgan tells us he’s inspired by the smooching under the piano story, so he’ll be doing something with that.  He’s hoping that it ends up being Oyly and Yigit with him in the finale.  He thinks Zac is the most likely to throw someone under the bus; he would turn your oven off, set your mise en place on fire and stab you in the back.

Paranoid much?

Oyly has decided to do a grey cake with pink roses.  Eeeeewwwww. Is she using red velvet for the cake part?

Time for Johnny’s weekly visit.  His first stop is at Zac’s station where Zac assures him he will not be covering his cake in glitter dust.  Johnny is happy to hear this.  He says making a cake for Sylvia is a pretty daunting task; it would scare even him.

He’s also happy to hear that Morgan is listening to the critiques that Sylvia had for him in the wedding cake challenge; he’s simplifying his approach and also using buttercream instead of fondant.  Morgan thinks if he didn’t learn a lesson there then he deserves to go home.

After quick visits with Yigit and Oyly, Johnny heads on out the door,

Wallet chain flapping in the breeze.

After Johnny leaves, Zac has a problem.  The bottom layer of his cake has not turned out the way he wanted it to and now there’s no time to go back and redo it.  He’s just gonna hafta go all out on the rest of the cake.

The piping bags are missing again.  This time they’re not at Zac’s station but at Morgan’s.  Yes, he is a five year old child that is now hoarding the piping bags because Zac hoarded them before.

Nya nya nya nya nana!

Oyly thinks it’s funny that he made such a big deal about it before and now he’s doing the same thing.  He thinks she should shut up, he’s sick of her shit.

Blabbity blobbity boo boo

And so ends the ten hour prep day.  Fun times.  The next day they head over to friends of Sylvia and Ben to assemble their cakes. Before you know it, time is up and the guests and judges arrive.

They head over to Morgan first.

I love the piano, but I’m not sure Sylvia will like that Morgan’s got her bikini top on the bench!

Johnny also loves the piano and tells Sylvia that he doesn’t want to know whether or not she really lost her bikini top on the first date.

Are you sure?  Ben and I could do a reenactment.

Sylvia likes the texture of the yellow cake, and she likes the chocolate cake too even though she doesn’t really like chocolate.

Oyly’s next.

That is one ugly ass cake.

Oyly did add some cute and personal touches, telling Sylvia that she decorated the top with three large roses to represent her daughters and six smaller ones for her grandchildren.  I like that.

Chef Francois sinks zat Oyly’s cak eez veree moist.  Sylvia loves the flavor but not the color, calling it a battleship grey.

Zac’s turn.

I’ll see Oyly’s ugly and raise you a what the fuck.

What a liar he is.  I see disco dust all over that freaking cake.  He is working it like a used car salesman though, spinning a story about their beach party, hoping that they fall for it.

YouBear (wait, what?  YouBear!!!!) sinks zat zee presentashun ov zee cake eez totallee eez personaleetee, but ee cannot say eet ees is favoreet presentashun of a cake.  Sylvia thinks Zac is creative, but the cake is not elegant enough; perhaps it would work as a bar mitzvah cake.

Now it’s Yigit’s turn.

Who’s flowers on the top look vaguely familiar………

N’est pas?

Johnny and Sylvia both like the sorbets, but YouBear sinks zat zee pas de fruits ees very tuf.  Francois sinks ee was tryeeng to be to compleecat, to many layer.  Sylvia says it’s like a woman who wears all of her jewelry to the party, don’t do it.

Zac tells us that even though his cake was a glittering mass of failure, he still thinks he deserves a spot in the finale.  You know who he thinks doesn’t deserve to go?  You’ll never guess…….oh you guessed!  That’s right, he doesn’t think Morgan deserves to go even though Morgan has consistently won challenges and is taking home more money than anyone else right now.

Ugh.  Shut your face.

Our snippet clip of the week illustrates that Morgan is always the last one to leave the apartment and it has become somewhat of a ritual for him now.  Riveting.

When we return, we join the chefs in the stew room where Morgan is comparing the competition to rock climbing.  Yigit chimes in saying the higher you are, the harder you fall.  Morgan agrees, not knowing that Yigit is really hoping at that moment that he is talking about Morgan.  Or maybe he knows and doesn’t give a crap.

Judges’ table.

Gail reminds them all that the winner of this challenge receives $15,000 and only three of them will be going on to the finale.   I don’t think she needs to worry about them forgetting that.

They start with Oyly.  YouBear tells her ee sinks ers was very eemageenateev, Francois likes zee moistness, but Johnny was not thrilled about the color, and tells her that Sylvia called it battleship grey.  Johnny tells him he overthought the cake, it was too complicated, but he liked that he flavored the buttercream.  Francois sought eet waz zee most elegant, ee love zee recycled chocolate roses on zee top.  Gail calls him out on the pas de fruits saying it wasn’t even the flavor that got them but the nasty texture.

It sort of reminded me of BURNT CHARRED RUBBERY EGGS!

Francois tells Morgan ee loves zat ee waz much more seempler on ees idea, but zee panna cotta waz meesing a leetle beet of aceedatee.  Johnny calls him out for having an uneven shell border.  Zac cuts to the chase saying he had difficulty with this one.  YouBear likes ees layers, saying zat all togezer eet was more moist; ee sinks zat waz a weening point een is cake.

Johnny respects that Zac brought them back to their childhood, he just wishes he could have done it with a little more sophistication and mature.  Zac says it just got the better of him and ended up being a complicated mess.  However……

Every day he’s come in and been excited to be here.   He thinks on the other hand there’s been people that play it safe, okay, he’s just gonna say it.  It upsets him that Morgan won $20,000 in the chocolate fashion challenge and he couldn’t care less, won the Godiva challenge, couldn’t care less.

UGH, it just upsets you that he wins you asshole!

I guess that wasn’t paranoia on Morgan’s part after all, was it?  This aggravates me so much.  Because really at this moment Zac is scared shitless that his monstrosity of a cake is going to be sending him home and so he’s trying to argue that Morgan doesn’t deserve to go to the finale because he is a stoic winner?  HATE.

Morgan responds by saying it’s not part of his character to jump up and down and flail and sing show tunes.

I just like to go home and masturbate while wearing those awesome high heels from the fashion challenge.

He doesn’t think it’s polite to rub it in people’s faces when you win.  He would rather remain composed than freak out like a little girl.  Hahahahahaha!  Suck on that Zac!

Gail sends them away so the judges can talk about what an asshole Zac is (oh, you know that conversation happened), and as they get into the stew room Morgan whispers that Zac sucks.  Zac tells him it’s not personal, it’s personality.  Right, Morgan tells us, it IS personality, and Zac sucks.

The judges talk about the various cakes and I think they were pretty harsh about Morgan’s when at the party everyone seemed to like it.  Whatever, if Zac doesn’t go home I will fucking lose my shit.

Let’s bring them back.  And the person getting the boot tonight is………

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Seriously, I am so fucking happy that this nasty little man is outta here.  What a fucking dick he turned out to be.  He keeps it classy as ever as he leaves telling us his cake was a disaster but he still thinks Morgan shouldn’t be in the finale.  Ugh.  Go hang out somewhere with Haggy.

Oh, and in all the commotion I forgot to mention that Oyly won the challenge.  I still think her cake looked gross, but the judges all agreed that it tasted far better than anyone else’s.  And for the record, she jumped up and down like a little girl when they told her.

Awwww, now go buy some shampoo you crazy kid you!

So that’s the end of the pre-finale episode, Gasmi.  What did you think?  Were you happy for Oyly?  Did you think Zac was an asshole?  Who else wants to grab Sylvia and take her home with them?

And now, a brief intermission……………

Mommy!

Sorry, you know I had to do it.

Now for the finale……are you ready?  Alright, let’s go!

To switch it up a little, we start out the final episode in the apartment.  How novel.

Uh, scratch that sarcasm.

Scratch it to hell.

What?  Oh whatever, you know you were looking too.

Yigit tells us he’s got total goose bumps just thinking about this finale.  Morgan is extremely nervous; this is supposed to be the hardest challenge coming up.  He thinks Zac leaving is wonderful; he’s an annoying little fairy who threw him under the bus.  He acted like a little bitch and then he went home like one.

Tell us how you really feel.

You know, normally I’d be offended at Morgan’s use of the words fairy and bitch to describe Zac.  But then I think about what a twat Zac has been during this competition and I think I’m okay with it.  I’ve read a couple of articles where Zac says something about that he was bullied here, and I completely disagree with him and think he’s even more of an asshole for trying to jump on that band wagon.

He and the rest of Team BitchFace acted like total assholes and mean girls to not only Morgan, but other chefs as well.  Ugh.  He really does irritate the crap out of me.

Let’s head over to the kitchen where Gail is waiting.  Alone.  That’s odd.  She congratulates them on making it to the finale before reminding them there can only be one.

Winner, that is.

For their final challenge they will create a progressive, four course desert tasting.  They’ll be serving twelve diners including some of the biggest names in the pastry world as well as some of L.A.’s top pastry chefs.  Morgan wonders when the twist will be revealed.

Gail sends them home to get changed because they are in for a surprise.  Oyly is hoping it is that their mommies are there.  They arrive at the bar

Where Johnny and his giant mint sprig are waiting.

He welcomes them and they sit down for cocktails and some desserts.  They eat and then Johnny thinks they should meet the three chefs that made them.  Yigit thinks that it’s going to be some of the cut chefs from this competition.

Nope.

It’s Claudia Fleming, our favorite hugger of broken down chefs, Lezbeth, and Sherry Yard.  That’s right folks, these ladies will serve as their sous chefs.  But first, out comes the cookie jar to determine their pairings.  Yigit gets Sherry, Oyly gets Lezbeth, and Morgan gets Claudia.  Oyly says it’s like being a director and having Spielberg, Howard and Scorsese there to help you.

The next day the chefs prepare for their day.  Morgan wonders if Claudia will approve of him or will she think he’s just an ass clown that doesn’t belong there.

Oyly prepares with her daily dose of cereal

Meanwhile back in the bedroom, Yigit is really irritated because Morgan blasted the air conditioning last night and it’s right over his bed and he already wasn’t feeling great so it wasn’t nice to have cold air blowing on him all night.

Wah wah wah

Aren’t there plenty of empty beds in the house at this point?  I mean, it seems kind of stupid not to move if it was bothering you that much.  Or how about waiting til he falls asleep and then turning it down or off?  No, laying there freezing so you can complain about it later is a much better solution.

He tells us he’s going to pray to Buddha and let it go because he doesn’t want any sourness in his food today.  Okay, thanks Yigit, that’s much better.

Shopping time!  They have 45 minutes and $400.  Oyly is looking for black licorice and she’s also making her own root beer.  So cool.  I already want her to come and make ginger ale for me, now she can make root beer too.  She says it’s so crazy because both her and Morgan were in the bottom for the first elimination challenge and now here they are in the finale.

Yigit grabs a quick hug from Oyly and then tells us he would be so sad if he left here without winning.  Especially if he lost to Morgan.

Into the kitchen they go with 7 hours to cook.  Their celebrity sous chefs are waiting for them and ready to go.  Claudia is making labels for Morgan’s ovens and she asks him if it’s with an a to which he replies, “Well, it’s not moron, that’s for sure.”

Can you feel the love tonight?

Yigit is worried about Morgan being a complete dick to Claudia.  Over with Oyly, Lezbeth is shelling hundreds of pistachios.  Morgan thinks that’s a waste of her talent.  Yigit is loving working with Sherry, and he wants his tasting to be like he is taking the judges out on a date.  He tells Sherry he can’t remember his life before this.

Morgan is going for it, making a bumkurgen.

Who you calling a bum?

Sorry, that’s baumkuchen, a cake .

Which looks super yummy.

Oyly says she busting out all the stops and doing a menu of how she would like to eat rather than going with a theme.  Johnny comes in for a visit, and she goes over her set list with him: starting with a cheese course, followed by a palate cleanser, then an ice cream sampler and lastly some kind of chocolate dessert.

Johnny seems unimpressed with her ice cream sampler course but she assures him it’s gonna be fancy, he’s gonna love it.  He’s worried about her being able to elevate that course.

Yigit tells Johnny that he’s created a very clever menu.  He says that it’s very much his style, but everything packs a punch.  He’s taken their critiques to heart.  Johnny eats that right up.

You’re listening to us?  That’s so awesome.

Lastly, he checks in with Morgan who tells him that this has got to be one of the best days of cooking in his life ever.  His theme is primary colors and light which Yigit thinks is really silly.  Johnny reminds him that there are going to be some heavy critics there and Morgan tells him he doesn’t need him choking him up right now.  He tells Johnny that he thinks he’s putting forth the four best dishes he’s ever cooked in his life, so if they’re not good enough, he’s not good enough.

And off Johnny goes.

Morgan has a pow wow with Claudia telling her that the pepper in one of the dishes is burning a hole in his mouth.

Really?  You’re a fucking wuss.

He says there’s been difficulty with him communicating clearly with Claudia.  We cut to him babbling some molecular gastronomy gibberish at her while she makes crazy faces and tells us she has no need to know any of this since it isn’t what she does.

And the first day ends.

Back at the apartment, Yigit just wants to decompress.  He refuses to let his nerves get the best of him.  Morgan calls his son and tells him he misses him; they exchange “I love you’s” and it’s really cute.  He gets teary eyed as he tells us that he was hoping to get himself out of where he is and into an environment where he can spend more time with his son.  Awwwwww.  I know, I’m a sucker for the kid stuff.

Ummmm….quick side question.

When did Marcel become hot?

I mean, I’ve actually always liked the guy most than most people, but I never thought he was hot.  Is it just me, or did he get better looking?

Okay, back to this group.  The chefs head into the kitchen for day two

And find this waiting for them.

Gail informs them that they won’t be getting their celebrity sous chefs back.  Instead, they will be working with one of their fallen competitors and the celebrity chefs will be dining with the judges.  Morgan says he would throw his hands up in there and walk out if he got Zac for his sous chef.

I think Zac may be aware of that.

Morgan tells us if he could punch someone on the show without getting kicked off, he would knowck Zac’s skull right off.

I’ll just have to settle for staring at him menacingly.

And out comes the cookie jar to determine the selection.  Yigit gets Tim, aka Snow Queen, Oyly gets Tania, and Morgan gets Haggy.  Oh no!  She hates his ass!  That’s almost as bad as getting Zac.

And there’s a thin line between almost and definitely.

The unpicked chefs get to join the judges in the dining room to sample the final three’s menus.  Great.  Are we going to have to listen to Zac being an asshole about Morgan’s food?  I will cut a bitch.

No time to dwell on that though because they’ve only got three hours to complete their tasting menus.  Morgan goes over his list with Haggy while she tells us she doesn’t care for him and she swore she’d never work with him again.  She really hopes that Morgan doesn’t win.

Yigit says he’s learned his lesson about over ambition and he plans on actually finishing all his dishes this time around.  It looks like Haggy’s taken an extra step and not only buttered Morgan’s soufflé rings, but sugared them too.  Awwww, how niwait.  Morgan didn’t want them sugared.  He says he feels like telling her to sit in the corner and not sabotage his food.

Or maybe I should just spank her.  In a totally non erotic way, natch.

Oyly gets Tania to cutting the cheese.

Yikes!

Oyly tells us she didn’t want to do four dishes that were sweet, sweet, sweet, sweetsweetsweet.  Yigit gives us a yogurt caviar lesson and points out that Morgan is not doing his correctly.  He’s not sure why Morgan doesn’t ask Haggy for help.  Yeah, right.  Hell would have to freeze over first.

Morgan says his competitors are putting out some great looking food but he doesn’t think anyone else is taking the kind of risks he is.  Out in the dining room, Gail asks everyone to take a seat, and we’ve got the four regular judges here, the fallen chefs, along with a crapload of other chefs.

Yigit tells us for the billionty eleventh time that he would be heartbroken if he doesn’t win.  SHUT UP.  Meanwhile, Claudia is telling her table that Morgan is a typical male pastry chef.  And here come the chefs to introduce their first courses.

Yigit tells them that he wanted to start with a dance that they’re going to have through his palate today.

Looks like he could have used a little of Zac’s disco dust.

Morgan’s dish is a little more colorful.

But what’s the deal with him and the fluid gel?

Oyly presents her cheese course and I am a huge fan.

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

I absolutely LOVE cheese courses and this one looks SO yummy.  I want some.  Like NOW.

Johnny thinks Morgan’s dish is not only pleasing to the eye, it has wonderful flavor.  Susan says the tarragon gel is what makes the dish for her.  Dumbass Dannielle likes Yigit’s bright flavors.

I wish I was half as bright as his flavors are.

Bald goateed chef likes the yogurt pearls in the dish.  Lezbeth tells her table that she really enjoyed working with Oyly because she was really focused; she thinks that Oyly’s dish is successful because it’s still a dessert, it’s not just a cheese course.  Johnny points out that Oyly actually put a lot of work into the dish and catalogs all the stuff she made.

In the kitchen Morgan’s sweet caviar is all glooped together, making a big ole mess.  It looks like he’s able to salvage some of it though so I guess all is not lost.  Yigit tells us he doesn’t understand Morgan’s second course; it’s supposed to be blue but it’s not blue, it’s violent.

They head out to the judges again and Yigit spins his story of a dance some more.

What is on top of his dish?

Morgan’s dish is next

It’s all googly eyed.

And Oyly’s

Appears to be sticking it’s tongue out at us.

Claudia thinks that the restraint in Yigit’s dish is a beautiful thing, and BandAid Heather (sans bandaid) thinks it tastes like a plate of wild strawberries.  Sounds yummy.

YouBear sinks zat zere ees a prolem wis Oyly’s deesh, zee way eet ees plated.  She needs to sink about ow eet survives.  Johnny loves all the beautiful citrus; he thinks it’s really great.  One chef is disappointed that Morgan didn’t deliver on the promise of a blue dessert, and Claudia thinks he nailed the softness of a pavlova.

In the kitchen Morgan is deringing his soufflés and we have a problem.

Some of his soufflés seem to be having an erectile dysfunction.

Morgan handles this with maturity and calm and proceeds to curse up a storm while flinging his kitchen towel about.  Shockingly, Haggy is the voice of reason and points out to him that he has plenty that look good, he just need to make sure the judges all get the good ones.  Of course you KNOW that’s not gonna happen, right?  Sure enough, a floppy one ends up right in front of Johnny.

Ugh, more of Yigit’s “date” story.

I don’t think I know you well enough to drink your cumshake, Yigit.

Uh, Morgan’s next course is a little disturbing.

An ode to poop and menses.

But Oyly’s here to save the day with her ice cream sampler.

I must have this now.

Whoa!

Look at Johnny sucking down Yigit’s cumshake!

Susan Feniger says this is a great dessert for them and she’s looking for some new dessert ideas.  Uh oh Yigit, sounds like Susan might be stealing your dessert there!  Claudia got a collapsed soufflé cake from Morgan as Oseland wonders if it’s because he felt her true feelings.  Zac laughs about it at the loser table.

Et tu, Eric?  Et tu?

The judges all love Oyly’s ice cream sampler and Lezbeth is happy she worked on that.

Time for the fourth course.

Blah blah blah Yigit’s fucking story.  Just so you all know, there is not ONE clean shot of any of these final desserts.

Missing the chocolate cake.

Cut off

And again.

That’s annoying.  They’re usually great about giving at least one nice clean shot of the entire dish.  Grrrrr.

Oseland thinks Yigit cake is pretty brilliant, and Gal is loving the milk jam mousse and the milk jam candy.  She wants to bathe herself in the milk jam candy.  Calm down Gail!

Susan is not thrilled with Oyly’s dish and Johnny thinks it maybe needed a little more salt.  They seem to love cracking open Morgan’s dish, and Claudia calls it inspired.  Johnny thinks the baumkuchen was really well done and points out how many layers are there.  Eric says it is his favorite.

After Gail thanks them for a lovely tasting, the chefs head back to the kitchen and pop open a bottle of bubbly.  Morgan’s not happy about his soufflé mess, but he says he tried both Yigit’s and Oyly’s food and he thought theirs was boring which is why he’s gonna be Top Chef.

And……now you’re not.

Doesn’t Morgan know better than to make proclamations like that?  I’m pretty much betting money now that he’s not going to win.  When will people learn to shut it?

Judges’ table.

After reminding them that the winner will be crowned tonight, Gail wants to get into how they think they did starting with Morgan.  How did it go for him?  He says he cooked some of the best food he thinks he’s ever made in his life.  It was inspired, and fun.

Yigit says he felt really good about his food.  He brings up the whole date thing again which I think I’ve already covered how over that I am, right?

Oyly really liked the way all her food tastes.  She was trying to do things in the realm of what she’s done before but also show them some things that maybe they didn’t know that she did.

Johnny says he doesn’t even know where to start on her ice cream sampler.

No, no, he doesn’t mean in a bad way.  He thinks she really harvested the beautiful qualities of lavender.  Dumbass Dannielle says the homemade root beer (still want some!) was a big success, and Gail loves her honey candy.  She just wants to follow Oyly around and make her make her honey candy.

Seriously, make me more of that fucking candy right the fuck now!

Gail asks how she felt about her chocolate pudding cake.  Oyly thinks it’s that thing you eat and you go okay I don’t want to eat anything else, I’m done.  Wrong!  Johnny hated the pulled sugar and says it’s from the 80’s.  YouBear loved zee peestacheeo eyez cream flavurwize.

They move on to Yigit asking him about his ice cream and sorbet dish.  He wanted the ice cream to serve as a little bit of contract to the sorbet.  Dumbass Dannielle loved the deep metaphor he conjured up.  No, I don’t know what the hell she is talking about.

I doubt she does either.

Gail wants to know why he chose to have the waiters pour the consommé at the table.  He loves tableside service, he thinks it’s very elegant.  Plus, he didn’t want his meringue kisses to get ruined.  Too bad, Johnny tells him, because his waiter poured the consommé right over the kisses which instantly turned them to mush.

They move on to his braised pineapple and coconut cake.  Dumbass Dannielle tells him his third course was just what she was on the mood for.  Johnny thought the pineapple was awesome.  He was sure that the acidity was going to be gone as soon as he heard it was braised for five hours, but he was wrong.

Yes, yes you were.

A badly dubbed over Gail asks Morgan what happened with his soufflé.  He tells the judges that they all went into the oven at the same time, two sheet trays with lots of space between them, but the top tray baked a little less than the bottom tray.

YouBear says zee dumbazz ad er soufflé perfectlee standeeng up, but zee ozer sree had crashed soufflés.  Dumbass Dannielle liked the contrast between the tart raspberries and the sweet chocolate.

About the baumkuchen, he says he really wanted something that came out and grabbed you by the legs and shook you around a bit.  Dumbass Dannielle thinks it was lovely and I’m thinking someone needs an ass whooping for letting her talk so much.

I can feel my brain cells dying every time she talks.

Johnny points out that Morgan promised him he wouldn’t make a macaroon again, and yet he did.  Oopsey!  Johnny tells him his only saving grace is that he makes a hell of a macaroon, and every time he makes one it’s more delicious than the last.

Gail sends them back to the stew room so they can decide who the winner will be.

YouBear sinks zat zey all deed a really good job, and Dumbass Dannielle thinks Yigit’s progression was masterful.  YouBear and Johnny both seem to agree.

Johnny points out that Oyly has shown them so much over the last few challenges and he thinks Oyly did a better job than anyone at planning her progression from first course to second course.  Gail says there was something about her flavors in the baked Alaska that she will remember for years to come.

Gail thinks Morgan went all out.  There were elements of brilliance in so much of what he did.  YouBear waz zee most attracted to Morgan’s first course and zee passion fruit was rilly good.  Gail thought his pavlova was beautifully made.  Johnny says Morgan is a technician and points out that Morgan won more challenges than anyone else.

Decision time.

But first Johnny tells them how proud he and all the other chefs and judges involved in the show are of them.  He says they make him proud to be a pastry chef.

And the winner is…….

MEH.

I’m not overly thrilled by this win because he has irritated me ever since he got in with Team BitchFace.  Morgan immediately gives him a hug, and then Oyly hugs him too.  He tells us this is the most spectacular feeling in the world.

BLARGH.

Gah.  I fucking hate that Zac gets to be all happy and shit because it’s his fellow BitchFace that won.  The fact that he and Haggy will be overjoyed that it’s anyone but Morgan really annoys the piss out of me.  What sucks is that I liked Yigit at the beginning of this competition.  Bleh.  I wish Morgan or Oyly would have won.

Morgan tells us he’s extremely proud of Yigit winning; there’s nobody in this competition that he would feel better about losing to.

Which is why, despite the fact that he can be an asshat sometimes, I like Morgan.

And with that, season one is done.

What did you think, Gasmi?  Were you happy Yigit won or were you hoping for Morgan or Oyly to take the cake?  Will you watch again if they decide to renew for a second season?  I know I’ll be watching if they do, this was too much fun!

I didn’t watch it, but I heard Yigit also won fan favorite.  Pfft.  I think you can guess my thoughts on that one too.

Thanks for hanging in there with me Gasmi.  It’s been so much fun talking about this show week after week with you.  I’m not sure exactly what I’m covering next, but you know I’ll be back soon!  I can never stay away from you all!  Until then…..

SWAK, PottyMouth