TCJD: Sweet Tooth

Hiya Gasmi!  Are you ready for season two of Top Chef: Just Desserts?

Yes Biatch!  We were ready LAST week!!

Okay, okay, calm down Gail.  I can’t help it that Mother Nature decided to let loose on the East Coast, can I?  But I’m here now and ready to bust a move on the first two episodes of the season.  Are you ready?  Hope you ate all your supper, because it’s time for dessert!

We start out on the Santa Monica Pier at Soda Jerk’s.  Ooooooooo.  Now I want a milk shake.  Maybe I’ll just take a ride over to Friendly’s and get a Fribble.  Mmmmmmm.  BRB.

My Fribble brings all the boys to the yard…..

Hm.  Doesn’t have the same ring to it.  Oh well.

We meet our first pastry chef, Chris Hammer who tells us he is honored to be here.  We also see a snippet of his bio video in which he tells us he’s the youngest world champion pastry chef in the world.  Well!  La-di-da!

As more of the chefs gather we find out that Chris knows one of the others (Orlando) and they have competed against each other in the past.  Orlando uses this as his basis to say he thinks the caliber of chefs is going to be much greater than last season.  Ooooooo, burn!

Is it just me or does “Orlando’s Chocolate Treasures” sound like a possible title for a porno?

We meet Nelson Paz who tells us he’s been working in pastry for 12 years and worked in five star restaurants.  He tells us he wants to be on the top and I think it may be a little early to start talking about top vs. bottom, but hey if he wants to do all the work why complain?!?

From Nelson’s semi-hotness we move on to meet Craig Poirier who tells us he is very new to the world of pastry and has been running the a pastry department for a little under a year.  Yikes!  Craig has an annoying nasal voice that would make me want to stab my eardrums if I had to listen to it for too long.

He also has the overbite of a former (possibly present?) thumbsucker.

In his bio he lounges on a bed in his red plaid bathrobe, wearing an ice mask and telling us he’s addicted to Harry Potter.  Calm down ladies!  I’m sure he’ll give everyone a turn.  I think I just grossed myself out.

Turns out another one of the contestants, Sally Camacho, is a former teacher of Craig’s.  She’s also the pastry chef for the Wolfgang Puck Company.  I wonder if he makes her use his shitty cookware.

Here come Gail and Johnny!

Looking unimpressed as ever

Oh, Johnny toned down his ‘do a little, but never fear!  The wallet chain is still around to prove what a total badass he is.  Phew!  I was worried there for a minute.

Vanarin Kuch tells us he couldn’t believe how beautiful Gail was in person (brown noser!) and how Johnny’s eyes stared deep into your soul.  LOL!!  Is he serious with that crap?

I’m feeling a little gassy

Gassy, soul staring, what’s the difference really?  Gail welcomes them all to the competition and then asks if they’re ready because they are about to get their first challenge.

Are there red hots involved?  Because they’re for my mommy!!!!!!

They will be working in pairs (which Orlando is NOT happy about) and Gail tells them to look around because they need to pair up right now.  Will you be shocked when I tell you that no one wants Craig for a partner?  Lina Biancamano is also partner less so they end up having to pair off together.  Lina is not happy about this.  Wah, wah, looks like no one wanted you either!

Gail tells them that the soda fountain is responsible for many classic treats egg creams, milkshakes, root beer floats….their quickfire challenge is to use any available ingredients in Soda Jerk’s to create a modern soda fountain treat.

Red Hots?!?!?  MOMMY!!!

Oh, and don’t try just giving us a root beer float, Johnny warns them, because that is just not gonna cut it.  They have thirty minutes to create one dish and both team members will get immunity for the elimination round.  Ready?  GO!

Pastry chef stampede follows as everyone races into the café hoping to grab the best items first.    Matthew and Katzie are paired up and he tells her he doesn’t think they should do too many components because thirty minutes is not a lot of time.  Carols and Rebecca are another pairing and he thinks this challenge is right up his alley because they make eighteen different kinds of shakes in his restaurant.  I’m suddenly worried for them.

Over with Lina and Craig, he tells her he’s not comfortable with making milkshakes, that’s for sure.  Okay, well what does he want to do?

Curl up in a ball and suck my thumb?

Our other pairings are Vanarin and Melissa, Megan and Orlando, Amanda and Nelson, and Chris and Sally.  Don’t worry, I don’t know who all these fuckers are yet either.  The good news is at least one of them will be gone soon!  It’s always hard to keep track of everyone in these first couple of episodes, don’t you think?

Time is up and Gail and Johnny are ready to see what the chefs have created for them.  Up first, Sally and Chris.

With their virgin chocolate vagina?

Melissa and Vanarin are next.

With their ode to beige.

Wow, I never knew dessert could look so boring.  Let’s see what Orlando and Megan made.

Oh, strawberries and bananas!  How cutting edge!

They include a vanilla bean for decoration and it comes as no surprise to me when Gail and Johnny slam them for garnishing without purpose or NFG (non-functional garnish).  Come on, Orlando!  Surely a pastry chef of your EXCEPTIONAL caliber knows not to put something on the plate unless it’s meant to be eaten.  Rookie mistake!

Carlos and Rebecca are next.

Someone had the nerve to add kibbles to their milkshake!  Sabotage!

Oh nevermind, it’s Cap’n Crunch.  Mmmmmmm.

What did Katzie and Matthew make?

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Johnny wants to know if there’s anything at the bottom of it.  Nope.  Okay!  Amanda and Nelson are next.

Oh, it’s what happens when a chocolate virgin vagina becomes a dried up old maid!

She even pickled the cherries!  LOL.

Last up, Craig and Lina.

Awwww, their dessert got so nervous it wet itself.  Poor baby.

Johnny wants to know what they thinks makes it modern.

Brain fart

Looks like it may have been a rotten egg cream brain fart.

Judgment time.  Gail wants to know which desserts were Johnny’s least favorites.  He cites Orlando and Megan’s dessert because it really was just a banana split, and Lina and Craig’s because they didn’t step it up and if you’re gonna throw Elvis in his face (peanut butter and bananas) you had BETTER back it up.

You are so lucky I left my wand at home Johnny!  I’d SOOOO put the Cruciatus Curse on you!

So, what were his favorites?  Carlos and Rebecca for their Cap’n Crunch shake and Amanda and Nelson because pickled cherries are actually a delicacy in these times we live in.  And because he really loves to be the first one there…..Amanda and Nelson win!

Let’s head over to the top chef kitchen and find out what this round’s elimination challenge will be.  Gail tells them she wants to unleash all their creativity for their next challenge.  On a shelf in the kitchen are a bunch of old books; everyone except for Nelson and Amanda are told to pick one, but don’t open it!

Turns out each book contains the title of a fairy tale.  That fairy tale will determine the teams for this challenge.  Nelson and Megan will get to choose which teams they want to join.  The teams are Goldilocks and the Three Bears with Orlando, Rebecca and Sally, Little Red Riding Hood with Chris, Matthew and Carlos, Jack and the Beanstalk with Craig, Katzie, and Megan, and Hansel and Gretel with Vanarin, Melissa and Lina.  Nelson, who is from Argentina, has no idea what these stories are so he takes a wild guess for his pick and chooses Goldilocks and the Three Bears; Amanda chooses Little Red Riding Hood.

Each team has to create a fantastical showpiece and two plated desserts inspired by their fairy tale.  In case you had any doubts about the difficulty of this challenge, Katzie pops up to tell us creating a showpiece is no joke.

Can you see the fear in my eyes?  CAN YOU?!?

They’ll need a total of 150 desserts to be served at a fairy tale gala (oh lord); six hours here today, four hours tomorrow.  Get your asses in gear!  With thirty minutes to plan, each of the teams get together to brainstorm.

Team Little Red Riding Hood agrees not to use anything looking like blood, and Team Jack and the Beanstalk talk about building a beanstalk. Over at Team Goldilocks Melissa laments how hard it is to come up with a dessert for their story and thinks that maybe Hansel and Gretel would be easier.  Until she remembers that the witch actually bakes kids.

Although……..baked kid might be really yummy……

Team Hansel and Gretel don’t even consider baked kid which seems like a wasted opportunity and instead focus on the witch’s house.  Lina REALLY wants to make the house out of cake since she bakes cakes, but Melissa thinks they have to really do it out of gingerbread.

What part of CAKE don’t you understand?

Prep begins and Orlando tells us that a showpiece is something that’s meant to standout and that’s meant to tell a story.  Showpiece work is very technical in nature.  I’m excited!  I always love the showpieces when they do them on Food Network Challenges!

Looks like Chris and Orlando are taking the lead on the showpieces for their teams, Lina is barreling forward with her cake idea, and Craig has taken on the showpiece for his team because, Megan tells us, he’s very excited about it.  CRAIG?!?!?  He couldn’t make a fucking milkshake, but he’s gonna make a showpiece???  Who else thinks that decision is gonna bite them all in the ass?

Melissa continues to be annoyed by Lina because not only did she insist on cake for their showpiece; she now wants to butt into the other desserts that Melissa and Vanarin are making.  Lina tells her not to forget to make a hole in the roof for the “chimeney”.  UGH.  I think she’s annoying too.

Craig is having trouble with the drill since he’s never drilled anything before.  I’d make a comment about that but given the thumbsucking and Harry Potter, my guess is he really hasn’t drilled anything before.  Over on Team Goldi, Rebecca is annoyed because Orlando wants her to use oats instead of rice in her rice pudding porridge.  Blech.  Both sound equally disgusting.

As the clock ticks down on their six hours, Megan and Katzie realize just how much Craig SUCKS.  Katzie’s not falling apart; she just doesn’t feel like they’re getting anything done.  Something tells me they’re gonna be in trouble.  Back at the apartment they get together to discuss their game plan for the next day and Megan wonders what his game plan is for pulling sugar.

I’m planning to reread all my Harry Potter books tonight because there’s just bound to be a spell for that, don’t you think?

What he really says is that he hasn’t done it for a while.  Both Katzie’s face and I seem to think that his “awhile” actually means NEVER.  I feel like I could totally call the bottom two teams right now.  Megan and Katzie are hoping that if they put Craig on prep duty, they might be able to bang out the showpiece.

Rebecca is still bitching about the porridge, saying it’s not gonna smear on the plate.  Orlando thinks dealing with her is like dealing with a five year old.  Meanwhile Katzie and Megan work on the showpiece, but their sugar beanstalks seem to breaking every time they touch them.  Katzie thinks the sound of sugar cracking is like the sound of hopes and dreams breaking.

Fairy Tale Party Time!

Oh.  My.  God.  It’s a Fairy Tale Costume Party.  It’s almost like being at the Ren Faire, minus the smell of horseshit in the air.  The judges arrive and yay!  Hubert Keller is here!  Or YouBear as we affectionately call him here at TVGasm (TM J-Mo).  Anyway, he and Gail head over to Team Goldi’s table to see what they have put together.

WOW.  I’m no fan of chocolate, but that showpiece is super impressive.  It’s obvious that a lot of work went into it.  Gail and YouBear also love it and are excited to see what desserts the chef’s have made for them.

Uh oh!  Looks like the bears left a little memento behind!

YouBear loves a little bear scat in his food and thinks this is really well done, the flavors really poop, I mean pop.

I don’t even know what to say about this one.  It’s disturbing looking.

Poor Johnny got paired up with Dumbass Dannielle.  Their first stop?  Team Beanstalk.

This one actually doesn’t look as bad as I thought it was going to.  That is, until Johnny takes a look at the back and points out all the flaws and blemishes that they left back there.  He thinks they forgot that a showpiece needs to be a three dimensional piece.  After pointing out the issues with the showpiece Johnny and Dumbass head over to see what desserts they’ve created.

It’s a nice day for a sorbet wedding!

Johnny thinks the ginger in the dish is too overpowering and it drowned out the flavor of the snap pea sorbet.  He says it like that’s a bad thing which is where he and I would have to agree to disagree.

Oh, pea sorbet on the first plate and then pee on this one!  How clever!

I guess Jack must have peed his pants when he realized the giant was following him.  Dumbass is not into golden showers so she’s not into this dessert at all.

Back over with YouBear and Gail, they stroll over to Team Red.

This one gets another WOW from me.  W-O-W.  YouBear loves how it gives the impression of the wind blowing around the cape.  They agree that the sugar work is well done and then head over to sample the desserts.

I thought they were staying away from blood?

YouBear thinks the texture is really beautiful and Gail is a sucker for coconut and tapioca so it’s a hit for her as well.

Is it just me or does this cake look a little like a chocolate penis?

I thought Orlando was the one with the chocolate treasures!  Gail loves it and really likes how the basil brings out the flavor of the penis cake.

We flip back again to Johnny and Dumbass who have now arrived at Team H&G.

This one is the least impressive of the bunch.  Dumbass isn’t impressed and Johnny is looking for a gingerbread house and is disappointed that they didn’t go that route.  I dunno, I could easily see him giving them crap for doing one if they had gone that way, can’t you?  Let’s see what else they’ve made.

Ewwwwwwww……someone spooged on their plate!

God, those Fairy Tale dress up people have no class.  Vanarin says the idea was to capture the essence of the woods in your mouth.  Johnny wonders what woods Van’s seen that have pineapple’s growing in them.  LOL!

Wow!  Goldi’s bears sure get around, don’t they?  Seems like they made a deposit on this plate as well.

Johnny wants to know who worked on this dessert.  Lina tells him she did the seltzer and Melissa did the cloud.  He thinks there are a lot of soft textures and since he has all his teeth he’s not digging that.

The judges meet up before heading out to judges’ table and I notice something perplexing.

Why does Dumbass need three ties to hold together her cape?  What a dumb Dumbass cape!

Time for Judges’ Table.

Craig is really nervous about going home on the first challenge.  Given his lack of skills and contribution during this challenge, I’d say he has every reason to worry.

Gail comes into the stew room and calls Team Goldi and Team Red out to talk to the judges.  They are the top two teams.  Yeah, no surprise there, right?  YouBear tells him he is totally excited to see them starting at such a high level.

Love you, YouBear!

Gail wants to start with Team Red.  Johnny thinks their desserts really raised the bar from last season; the flavors and textures blew them away and their showpiece was really impressive.  Gail loved all the little details and thinks that really makes a difference in a challenge like this.

She also thinks Team Goldi did a great job.  Johnny loved that each of their desserts were unique but still told their story.  Gail wants to know who worked on the showpiece.  Orlando and Nelson.  Dumbass loves the detail work on the flowers in the showpiece and Johnny thinks they did a good job.  Gail thinks their showpiece just lit up the room and was a beautiful statement.

And the winning team is……

Team Red!

WAH!

Time to send in the losers.

Gail starts with Team H&G.  She tells them that when you think of the story of Hansel and Gretel, you can’t help but think of this house that lures in little kids.  FAIL!!!  Melissa says she wanted a gingerbread house but Lina refused to go there and instead pushed them into making a cake house.  Lina’s annoyed that Melissa is talking like she was the only one with that vision.

Because you WERE, biatch!

Lina doesn’t agree that that was true.  I bet Lina would be happy to point that out if they had WON.  Ugh.  I don’t like her already.  But there’s plenty of blame to go around; they don’t like Melissa’s dessert because of all the soft textures, the seltzer did nothing for the dish and was too sweet, and the pineapple dessert was confusing.

Having properly eviscerated Team H&G, Gail now turns to Team Beanstalk.  She wants to know how they divided up the work and what do they think went wrong.

Craig was on our team.

What she said

Craig says he was supposed to be responsible for the showpiece and he should have been more honest with his team and told them he has not done these things on his own before.  At least not without the help of some magic.  He thought he’d be able to do it, but then problems just kept happening.

Dumbass points out that the showpiece has a definite front and a definite back; did they think about that?  They did, but Megan points out that they had so many things to fix today they had to do the best they could.  Johnny thinks they did a good job recovering.

Gail points out how strong the ginger was in the one dessert and the hazelnut was overpowering in the other.  Johnny thinks both desserts were very one dimensional.  Just like their showpiece.  They can head back to the stew room and wait while the judges deliberate.

Once they have a couple of minutes to talk, the chefs come back out to hear who will be going home.  And that person is……

I think Lina sucks, but I gotta say I’m shocked that Craig didn’t get the boot instead.  Lina tells us she’s embarrassed that she got eliminated this early in the game and is pissed that Melissa threw her under the bus.  WAH, WAH.

That’s it for the first episode!  What did you think, Gasmi?  Were you impressed by the showpieces?  Did you think Lina deserved to go home?  What about Craig?  Do you think Dumbledore might save him?

I’m guessing not.

No time to ponder that for too long because we’ve got the second round to jump right into!  Are you ready?  Let’s DO THIS!!!

We start out the next episode in the apartment where we find out that Rebecca hurt herself in the kitchen.  Looks like she’s fractured her wrist and will be wearing a brace for a while.

I intend to mention this as much as possible in the next hour

When they get to the kitchen they see a table piled high with lemons.  Easy to figure this challenge out.  Joining Gail in the kitchen is Margaret Braun, cake guru.

And obviously a woman that pines for the 60’s.

Gail trots out the old adage “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” and tells the chefs they have forty five minutes to create a fabulous new lemon dessert.  Margaret tells them lemons are tough.  She wants one of them to reveal to her the secret of the lemon.  The winner of this quickfire will have immunity for the elimination challenge.  Craig tells us he wants immunity SO BAD.

Other things Craig wants but will never get?  Sex without paying for it; people to stop calling him horse face, Harry Potter’s wand and Johnny to say he’s cool.

Time starts NOW!

Matthew tells us he really likes lemon and hazelnut together so he’s going to do he’s going to do that even though it’s not something that he’s done before.

I worry for you Matthew

Nelson is doing a lemon pabloba wis mango sauce, lemon candy and lemon sour cream.  He opes ees not too many compounds.  Orlando seems to be having some difficulty because he is allergic to lemon.  But he swears he’s not going to let that stop him.  As someone with a food allergy, I feel sorry for him because not only will tasting his food pose a problem, handling the lemons could give him hives as well.

Amanda is going for something different since she thinks a lot of people will be doing lemon curd or lemon cake, so she’s doing lemon custard.  So far she’s only been on top and she doesn’t want to know what it feels like to be a loser.  Let’s check in on Melissa.

Waaaaaaah, my wrist hurts.

Katzie tells us her lemon crepes are going to be cut to look like fettuccine because she loves for her food to be whimsical and fun.  She does not mention that she also likes it to taste good.  Carlos breaks out the liquid nitrogen and Nelson candies are sticking to the pan.  Uh oh!  In fact, when time is called it looks like a couple of things don’t make it to the plate.  Poor Nelson.  Of course they start with him.

Yikes, the top of that cake is looking a little shrively, no?

He’s honest and list off the things that were supposed to make it to the plate but didn’t.  Gail is no stranger to timing issues, but I think we can all guess that he’s probably doomed to be in the bottom.

Orlando is next.

And it looks like someone had an unfortunate accident all over his plate.

That looks so fucking disgusting.  Blurgh.  Katzie’s next.

And her lemon crepe fettuccine looks a lot better than I thought it would.

I think I would probably eat that.  Both Margaret and Gail seem to enjoy it.  They move on next to Matthew.

Whose plate looks to have been travelled by snails.  Perhaps they were migrating for the fall.

This one is another hit with the ladies.  Time to see what Carlos has prepared.

Testicle soup with Cap’n Crunch?

Oh, my bad; it’s freeze dried citrus, not Cap’n Crunch.  Wait.  I think the Cap’n Crunch may have been a better choice.  Besides, it could have been his theme for the season.

Amanda’s turn.

I’ve never seen caramel look so unappetizing before

Melissa’s next.

Looks like she’s serving up deep fried balls with dried booger crumbs and a generous dollop of spooge sauce.

YUMMY.  Margaret knows you can’t beat a good deep fried ball and tells Melissa it’s nice.

Dammit!  I knew she was up to something when she sliced off that ball!

Craig’s looks completely disgusting.

That panty pudding topping is making me dry heave.

Oh no!  It looks like poor Vanarin might have hurt himself.

How else would you explain the blood drippings throughout his plate?

And last but not least is Melissa who makes sure to mention that she did it all with one hand.  That’s actually a lie because she DID use her hurt hand, just not in the way she normally would.

This dessert is as boring as it is listening to her talk about her hurt arm

Time to find out what Margaret thought about their lemon creations.  Her least favorites?  Nelson (of course), Orlando (who is REALLY bitchy about it, but to us not to her face), and Amanda (who thanks her for her critique).

Favorites?  Matthew, Katzie and Carlos.  But there can only be one winner and that is…..

He’d be so much cuter if he’d get his teeth fixed!

Hmmm…..maybe someone’s been eating too many of his own desserts.

Time to find out about this week’s elimination challenge.  Gail tells them it’s a team challenge again.  Orlando, Carlos and Amanda have been randomly picked to be team leaders, as well as Matthew because he won the quickfire challenge.  Matthew gets to pick first followed by Carlos, Orlando, then Amanda.

The picks go like this:  Matty picks Chris (good choice!) then Megan, then gets Melissa because she is the last one left standing.  Carlos takes Sally, Rebecca, Orlando chooses Nelson, then Craig (HUH???), Amanda picks Katzie and Van.  It appears that no one wanted Melissa because she threw Lina under the bus.

Their challenge is to create a cake inspired by the Walt Disney Concert Hall to be served to 150 guests.  Each chef is responsible for one tier of the cake.  Matthew tells us it’s a ridiculously short amount of time because in the real world a cake would take about three days to do.  Welcome to Top Chef, Matthew!

Margaret tells them to push the limits of traditional cake making; don’t be afraid to experiment with new shapes, but sure it also tastes delicious.  And……GO.

Chris seems to be taking the lead with his team, but they also are collaborating really well.  Katzie takes the lead for her group with Van chiming in saying they should add musical instruments to the cake.  Orlando is psyched since cakes are a specialty of his and Norman adds his architectural flair to the project; Craig stands around looking stupid.  Carlos steps up to lead his team which seems to annoy Sally; Rebecca continues to whine about her hand.

The chefs begin to cook and before long Johnny and his wallet chain stroll in for a visit.  His first stop is at the Green Team (Carlos, Sally & Rebecca).  He wants to know if when they decided on their flavors they made sure everything would taste good together.  Shouldn’t be too much of a problem since Sally and Rebecca are both making devil’s food cake.  But totally different devil’s food cake: sally’s is buttermilk and sugar while Rebecca’s is milk and sugar.

Have I mentioned that my hand hurts?

Over at the blue team’s station Van, Katzie and Amanda caution Johnny not to judge their cake by the size of their instruments.

I like big instruments, just like MINE!

Next he visits with Team Red (Chris, Matthew, Megan and Melissa).  Johnny seems unimpressed with their plan to make a topsy turvy cake, but Chris assures him it’s not gonna look like a Mad Hatter cake.  LOL!  They do seem to be all the rage lately, don’t they?

Johnny saves Team Black for last and Orlando, Nelson and Craig go through their flavor profiles.  Johnny seems unimpressed to hear that Craig is going to bring the pow pow flavor.

Once Johnny leaves the chefs get back to work and Nelson realizes that Craig has made his cake so heavy that there’s no way HIS cake will be able to hold it up.  He’s going to have to use larger dowels and is not happy that he’ll be losing precious time doing that.

The chefs pack up their cakes and day one is over.  Back at the apartment, Craig wonders if Sally will cry when he is booted out.  He says if she doesn’t, he will kick her until she does.  Craig tells us that when he was younger he was the kid that was always picked on.  No!

He was chubby as a kid and he also tells us he was rather flamboyant so the kids picked on him.  He hopes they’re all watching so they can watch him do awesome on the show and feel badly about making fun of him.

Oh Craig, all you’re gonna get by appearing on this show is MORE people to make fun of you

Over in the kitchen they’ve got four hours before they have to head over to the concert hall.  Carlos is still annoying Sally because he’s telling them what needs to be done and she already knows what needs to be done and is doing it.

Norman adds the extra dowels that his cake now needs, while Orlando needles Craig about finishing his cake with a bigger brush.  In case you haven’t already figured this out: Orlando is an asshole.  Before you know it, it’s time for them to pack up and get their cakes transported to the venue.  They are understandably nervous about everything getting there in one piece.

But the anxiety doesn’t end there; once they arrive at the concert hall they have to assemble their cakes and the sun is out and shining down on them while they’re doing that.  Uh oh, a lot of shit can go wrong with a cake in the heat, and some of them do have elements melting or falling off their cakes.

Carlos mixes the coloring for their cake and when he sprays it on it’s the wrong color.  Too late now because the color is now on their cake.  Meanwhile the top piece on Team Black’s cake is cracking and drooping.

Time’s up!  The guests and judges arrive and I am super excited to see that Dumbass is absent this week and we get YouBear again!!  HOORAY!  First stop, Team Red.

Wow.  That is a gorgeous cake.  Chris tells the judges they really wanted to make sure they incorporated the building because it’s architecturally stimulating.  Margaret likes the air brushing while Johnny calls out some rippling in the fondant.

Would it hurt my chances if I punched him?

They disassemble the cake to cut it and let the judges sample each of their tiers.  Their overall impressions are that Matthew’s is a little dense, Megan’s needs more red, Chris’ is well balanced, and Melissa’s is full of cardamom, but in a really good.

Next up is Team Blue.

I’d be pissed if I paid for this cake!

Oh my God!  This cake is butt ugly.  Johnny says it’s difficult to do something like instruments because if they’re not done perfectly, they look really sloppy.  Theirs are not done perfectly.  Gail wishes they had edited their design a little bit.  As far as the actual cakes, they think Katzie’s is oversaturated and has a weird texture, Amanda’s gets raves reviews, and Van’s cake is dry.

Time for the Black Team.

That cake doesn’t look like it goes together at all.  MAYBE Orlando’s and Norman’s tiers could pass, but Craig’s weird drummer boy layer does not go with the rest of the cake in any way shape or form.  Margaret wonders if they discussed how the different tiers would go together.  The short answer is nope.

As far as the actual cakes are concerned, Gail thinks Orlando’s is too sweet, Johnny likes the texture of Norman’s, and Margaret wonders if Craig’s cake is really is Grandma’s recipe.  Nope.  She tells him he should have lied and said it was.  Orlando is hoping they don’t end up on the bottom, but if they do he totally thinks Craig needs to be the one to go.  I can’t say that I disagree with him on that one.

Last up is Team Green.

YouBear thinks they have a great harmony throughout the cake; you can tell they really worked together as a team.  Johnny hates the color.  Johnny is also surprised that Carlos’ cake is so dense given that it’s a top tier.  Gail, however, thinks it has a really nice vanilla flavor.  Johnny likes that Sally used fresh raspberries in her cake, and Margaret loves the different things going on in Rebecca’s but says it was hard to cut through.  Rebecca is just happy that she was able to build a cake with one hand.  OH SHUT UP.

This week’s mini clip shows us that Craig’s “Grandma Cake” is actually Sally’s recipe.  He thinks she’s gonna kick his ass, but she seems to find him endearing.  Maybe she’s deaf in one ear.

Judges’ Table.  Gail tells Team Red and Team Green that the judges would like to see them first.  Once out there they’re told that their cakes were the judges’ favorites.  Rebecca gets a little emotional.

I can’t believe I’m in the top!  And I only used one hand!!!

So we’ve heard.

Margaret tells the green team she really felt like their cake was very cohesive.  It was clear that there was consensus and that they worked really good together as a team.  Johnny tells the red team that there are way to make something very complicated by making it very simple; they achieved that balance.  YouBear thought it was really well executed, and Margaret loved the cardamom flavor.

The winning team is…..

Melissa is really happy and thinks this showed the other chefs that she is just as good if not better than they are.

Time for the loser’s round.  Johnny asks Craig why he thinks he and his team are in the bottom.

I blame Voldemort

Who???

Margaret asks Nelson if they were all in agreement that it looked like a finished piece and not like three individual cakes.  Would he have taken any part of it off, the drum perhaps?  Hint, hint.  No, he would not remove any part of the cake and BTW, he loves the drum.

You cannot possibly be serious

Johnny says aside from the visual disconnect of the tiers, the cake had a lot of sloppy details, and Gail wonders if they liked how their flavors turned out.  YouBear thinks that Nelson’s cake showed the most professionalism, so the others fell flat by comparison.

Gail turns to Katzie wondering what she thinks went wrong with her team.  She thinks that they had a real cohesiveness but there were definite imperfections.  She leaves out the fact that it looked like ass.

Johnny wants to know whose idea it was to do the musical instruments.  Van says they were his idea and he knows they could have been better.  Gail thinks the cake looked a little amateur.  Gail then wants to know if they were happy with the flavors; Katzie was but Johnny still hates the texture.  Amanda says she was a little disappointed in her cake, but YouBear says hers was actually his favorite.  No one liked Van’s cake; they wanted him to be bold and blow them away and he didn’t.

The judges deliberate and then bring the teams back out.  And the chef going home tonight is……

Van tells her it was an honor to be in their presence and this is not the last they’ll see of him.  Awkward!  He actually handles the boot well and seems like a genuinely nice guy.  Best of luck to you Van!!

Next week, Lisa Vanderpump!!  WOO HOO!

So what did you think, Gasmi?  Which cake was your favorite?  Can you believe that Craig squeaked by again?  Are you digging Chris and Matthew as much as I am?

Thanks for hanging in there on this doubleheader, Gasmi!  Apologies again for the lateness of the first episode.  Can’t wait to hear what you all are thinking so far!

SWAK, PottyMouth