Whoa, Guys. Babies. Should. Not. Have. Babies. If this week taught me anything I didn’t already know… Well, it didn’t, to be honest. I, like most twentysomethings of unstable income and uncertain future, know very, VERY well that there is a time and a place for babies. And it’s not when you’re still living at home. But let’s just say this episode drove that point home so hard that I plan on marrying Jesus before I even think about procreating. Until then, birth control birth control blowjobs birth control.
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This week started off benignly enough. It’s been a week since Ali’s EmArAh, and Corey and Leah still don’t know anything. But they did get her glasses in the mail, in case Ali needed another outward sign that she’s the fucked up one.
Some people think these are cute. I wish I were one of them.
What I did think was cute was the fact that Ali obviously did have some vision problems because right after Leah puts the glasses on her, the baby’s able to high-five her daddy for the very first time. Fist pump to that, my friends. Fist pump to that.
Leah VOs that since her wedding is less than a month away (shotgun SHUCKED), she has to devote time to planning it in addition to worrying about Ali. Later that day, Corey watches the girls (rocking the same cut off tank top Adam is so fond of, but for some reason bothers me much less), and she, Dawn, Victoria (Leah’s sister), Kayla (Leah’s dumbass friend), some girl who looks like Jenelle when she had that skunk do, and Donna, Corey’s BOMBSHELL mom.
‘Cause Fancy was my name!
Leah tries on a few drop waist dresses, and Victoria and Dawn muse about how lovely she looks and how strange it is for their sister and daughter respectively to be getting married. Leah couldn’t be happier or more content with the path her life has taken, and blissfully models each gown. Then she finds it. The exact dress I would pick – the most expensive.
Doesn’t matter what it looks like, doesn’t matter how much cute cheap shit is around it, I will invariably fall in love with the most expensive item in any given store. Goes for shoes, clothes, jewelry and produce.
Kayla keeps commenting on how pretty Leah looks in the dress before Dawn tells her to shut the fuck up. Kayla’s confused, and Donna sweetly explains that it’s not that anyone doesn’t want Leah to have the dress, it’s just that somebody has to pay for it. I call out to no one in particular that it sure as shit ain’t gonna be Kayla, so she should zip her stupid yap. Which she does, so score one for Kayla. Dawn and Donna (WHOA that is funny) meet up with Leah and Victoria in the dressing room, and Leah bites her nails and tells her mom that Dre$$ is the dress she wants. Dawn tries to tell her that it really is too expensive considering all the other money the wedding is going to cost, and Donna agrees. The moms also throw in the ole’ “This is a dress you’re only going to wear for one day, so… yeah.” And I fucking hate that argument. If the length of time one were going to wear a wedding outfit were the only concern in buying it, girls’d get married in trash bags. IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT IT’S FOR ONE DAY. Get married in a Goddamn peacoat if longevity is your first concern.
But then the sales associate says she’ll take 30% off and Leah smiles hopefully, and Dawn caves a cave that would make Randy proud. Dre$$, she is Leah’s.
EEEEEE!!!! I love weddings!!
Onto less blissful, but more interesting pastures. Jenelle and Kieffer sit on the beach and discuss how sucky it is that Barbara had the gall to kick Kieffer out of her house for smoking an illegal substance no less than 20 feet from an infant. Kieffer shrugs that he guesses he’ll just go stay with his cousin. Uh…? Cousin? You have a FUCKING COUSIN THAT YOU COULD CRASH WITH? Wtf? Does he have persistent Pinkeye? Why the hell were you not staying there before? Why was Mike’s Grandma’s beach house stop number one on your list of places to go??? That cousin had better live at least a two days walk and a three hour drive away for me to believe that it was just too impractical for you, Kieffer. If not, I’ll be forced to believe that your cousin doesn’t want to be on such a trashy reality show and staying there would preclude you from being on TV. Which, less face it, is pretty much the reason you’re here.
At any rate, that’s the decision he comes to, and Jenelle, in a surprise mature decision, decides to stay with her mother to be near Jace. And MTV? Your constant shots of Jace crying out the door after Jenelle are making me envision his future episode of “Intervention.” Just an FYI. Just to make sure his meal ticket to fame isn’t about to start waning in her affections, Kieffer asks Jenelle if she believes all the “bad stuff” Barbara says about him. Of course Jenelle doesn’t. Kieffer is nothing like her pot-smoking, flaky ass ex, Andrew. After all, Andrew had a job.
Think about that.
Jenelle returns to Barbara’s house and announces that she’s staying for Jace, and not because she believes anything Barbara’s said about Kieffer. Barbara compliments Jenelle on her decision-making skills, and with that, it’s off to South Dakota. And guess what? Things are shitty!
Since their “conversation” about Chelsea’s completely legitimate trust issues, she and Adam haven’t been getting along. He’s grouchy and won’t take care of Aubree so Chelsea can “get ready and stuff.” FYI, Folks, not all South Dakotans are this fucking inarticulate. Anyway, same ol, same ol. Adam’s a dick, Chelsea needs a friend to talk to about it. Apparently Megan has realized what a shithead friend Cheslea is being, so it’s a Tiffany who comes over, with a baby Keyon (like neon, but with a K. And a Y.). Hilariously, the two mothers comment on what lovebirds their offspring will be, and as soon as Keyon is put next to her, Aubree makes out with him fiercely.
Chelsea and Tiffany laugh at the babies until it’s time to discuss how unhappy Chelsea is. Thankfully they do that for about 30 seconds before instead of actually discussing anything, they agree to set up a double date to go to the fair. Because there’s no solution like a Band-Aid solution!
The babies make out some more, and Tiffany coos over how much they love each other. Acting out a role she’ll play for the rest of Aubree’s life, Chelsea yanks the kid away and mutters, “Too much love.” Ha! Live and learn!
Later that day, Adam comes home, and he and Chelsea have some sort of discussion in which I think he grumbles a “yes” to the fair, but I’m not sure. I was too preoccupied by this!
Nothing more to say there. I am rendered speechless by the black velvet Virgin Cheslea that MTV has not seen fit to shoot ONCE this season.
In Pennsylvania, Kailyn leaves Isaac with Suzi while she heads to meet Jo. He’s called one of their parking lot meetings (mutual territory?), and Kailyn’s pretty sure he knows something’s up re: Jordan. Whatever he knows, Kailyn VOs that she’s tired of lying to him, so she’s just going to tell him the truth regardless. Why do I think that she did not get her stuff out of the Rivera house before she’s about to reveal a pretty good reason to get kicked out? Oh, that’s right, because there were cops in last week’s preview.
Jo strolls up, cool as a cucumber, having obviously practiced his words and moves very precisely before coming. He gazes up at the sun and comments, “Beautiful day isn’t it?” Before Kailyn can respond, Jo blows his entire hapless wad when he cuts her off with, “You don’t deserve to be out in the sunlight.” Kailyn’s about 80 times smarter than Jo will ever be so she just shakes her head and says, “What?” to his ridiculous attempted dickery. Not to be swayed Jo muses that she should be in a cave. I feel like Jo watches a lot of Disney, and that’s where most of his anger-fantasies about Kailyn live.
A cave with a half-woman half-octopus who’ll steal your voice and turn you into a sea weed. Whatchoo think about dat?
Wisely construing that now would be a bad time to make fun of Jo’s complete lack of game, Kailyn goes with her only other option, which is to tell him the truth. It doesn’t go well. Jo calls her a whore, tells her she’s not welcome in his house ever again, and then he breaks out the ghetto with, “I don’t even wanna catch you on my fucking block.” Kailyn awesomely tells him that he doesn’t really have much say in that, and finally, Jo looooooses it. It’s tough to keep your cool when the person you’re trying to intimidate stubbornly refuses to act like you’re intimidating.
Jo accuses her of not caring about Isaac and only caring about her boyfriend, calls her a whore some more, and then… leaves when Kailyn tells him to. Seriously, that’s how it goes down. He yells at her until she’s tired of hearing it, she tells him to get the fuck out of her face and he does. Immediately. I fully here and understand the commenters who aren’t on the Kailyn train, but if you’re curious, it’s this kind of stuff that makes me love her. She’s got more balls in her little finger than Jo does in his giant house.
It’s not a “don’t fuck with me” face, but… don’t fuck with her.
We return to North Carolina to find Jenelle loving living with Jace again, but still not sure how to work things out with her mom. They have a talk on the porch. Um, seriously, their conversation is almost word for word the same conversation they had in Episode Three. Ground rules are laid, peace is established, and if you want more detail, check here. I don’t mean to be lazy, but I can’t recap this train wreck twice. I just can’t. I will say that both women point out that they need to have a more positive relationship, and I wholeheartedly agree, even if I know this truce will last roughly 36 hours.
In West Virginia, Corey and Leah head to the hospital to get the results of Ali’s EmArAh, and…. It’s good!! There is nothing NOTHING wrong with her spine! AND Leah and Corey tell the resident that Ali’s made some progress, even though Corey has to bet Leah $5 that Ali can roll over from her stomach to her back. Now, since there isn’t anything wrong with her spine, the doctor is pretty sure that it could be something genetic, and also, her legs and arms are disproportionate to her body. But when Leah asks him whether or not Ali will walk, he says he sees no impediments. Even though the kid is ridiculously far behind in development.
Naw, her legs and arms aren’t the right size and she should have been holding herself up a month ago, but she’ll walk! I guarantee it!
Leah picks up on the neurologist’s hackery, but she and Corey are too happy that there’s nothing wrong with Ali’s spine to focus much on it. They vow to get a second opinion and head out to give the good news. It’s so cute! Like, half the family is there, and it’s awesome that Leah and Corey have such a great support system.
But enough cotton candy for me, time for rotten fish eggs. South Dakota! At the Fair! Apparently Adam’s been ignoring Chelsea all day, but she hopes he’ll shape up in the evening. Don’t worry, Chels, I know lots of boys who play mild-mannered assholes all day only to turn into avenging heroes at night.
Of course, the fair sucks, of course Adam doesn’t pay for his own ticket, of course he checks out another girl THAT HE HOOKED UP WITH, of course he insults Chelsea behind her back and to her face, of course he refuses to hold hands with Chelsea and of course the whole thing is one giant clusterfuck of awkward. If you expected anything else, I’m not sure you can read.
Eat some fried mushrooms, Babe. They always make me feel better.
In Pennsylvania, Kailyn talks to Jordan after her fight with Jo, and he advises her that even though she and her mother don’t get along, she doesn’t have anywhere else to go. Kailyn calls Suzi, and the woman continues her upward trend and tells her daughter that it is perfectly fine. Go Suzi! Keep up the good work!
In North Carolina, Jenelle misses Kieffer, but she’s happy to spend time with Jace. So happy, in fact, that she heads right out to the store with Jace breaking one of her mother’s cardinal rules. THEN she doesn’t even take the carseat out of her car to hide what she did, so when Barbara comes home, there’s another blowout. Jenelle MAY NOT take the baby out of the house without permission. Jenelle knows, but did it anyway, and totally disregarded her mother’s rules. I’m taking bets on whether Jenelle will move out this episode or just chuck it all and set up a tent for Kieffer in the backyard.
Back from commercial and onto Pennsylvania. Suzi continues to confound me. Kailyn goes to talk to her, and the once wayward mother listens kindly, gives good advice, and lets Kailyn stay for as long as she needs. However, Suzi does lay down some minor ground rules about cleaning up, not being on the phone all night and general respect of space. She’s calm, cool, collected and loving. So yeah, massive improvement, but then I spot this:
Yup, that’s a nose ring.
I just don’t know what to think. Here’s hoping for the best!
In South Dakota after his spectacular and gentlemanly behavior at the fair, Adam ignores Chelsea when she asks him to put Aubree to bed. When she asks again, Adam snits, “What are you gonna do, stand there and watch me?” Chelsea rolls her eyes and rolls over, getting Aubree ready herself. Then she decides to try and ask Adam for help again considering it worked so well the 478 times, but he refuses. He also doesn’t want to go rent a movie like she suggests, but just stay in. Chelsea whines some more, Adam calls her a bitch and it’s pretty standard fare. The only thing that’s just a little different is that now I want to punch them both with exact same force. Usually I want to punch Adam more.
In West Virginia, Leah sees the physical therapist who confirms that even though the EmArAh showed nothing wrong with Ali’s spine, there is definitely something wrong.
Leah is going to go through with the geneticist appointment that the neurologist set up for her, but she plans to get a second opinion on the EmArAh as well. I completely agree. After Dr. Nimrod was all, “Why the hell would you think she wouldn’t walk? She’s only eight months old and barely able to turn around. Calm down!” I’d be getting a second opinion, too. Leah has the shittiest luck with doctors, though, so I’m not sure it’ll help.
In North Carolina, Jenelle’s a sad monkey that she hasn’t been able to smoke pot see Kieffer for few days, so they meet up at the beach. Kieffer’s fine, homesick. He hasn’t been there in two years, and he misses his family. Or they’ve just finally had enough time to cool off from whatever shit he pulled that got him to run away down south, and they’re ready to support him again. Now what do you think Jenelle chose to do in this situation to help Kieffer with his situation?
a) Hug him and tell him that she understands what it’s like to be cut off from family?
b) Offer to take him to her school’s library so they could Skype or something?
c) Offer to drive his ass to Jersey on a moment’s notice?
Oh, she c’d and you know it. And if that weren’t enough to convince you that despite going to school and getting a job Jenelle still can’t make decisions for shit, she decides to lie to Barbara and say that there’s a concert in Myrtle Beach. THEN she tells Kieffer that money won’t be an issue because if they run into trouble, they can use Barbara’s credit card! Flawless plan, no? Not only will the bank call Barbara’s ass the minute Jenelle swipes that Visa at a Jersey Chevron, Barbara probably has an alert on all the shit that gets charged to that card. I’m shocked Jenelle has it in the first place or hasn’t tried to use it to buy weed yet.
For the love of PETE. Stop making me side with your mom!!!
In Pennsylvania, Junior is still miraculously taking Kailyn’s calls and agrees to watch Isaac while she goes to work. Man, I want to know Junior’s story. Kailyn VOs that she’s glad Junior’s still agreed to help, but she still needs to find a way to get her stuff from Jo. Unfortunately, now that stuff includes Isaac.
As for Chelsea, if you watch the middle portion of her “16 and Pregnant,” you’ll have a pretty good idea of what’s going on with her and Adam. He’s totally disrespecting her, she’s whining about it, he’s not coming home at night, she’s whining about it. Chelsea’s grand plan to fix all this? Have a talk. I’d support that if the conversation was short and the beat down session was long.
In North Carolina, Jenelle continues her streak of genius stragery by attempting to sneak into Barbara’s house, grab her stuff and sneak out without Barbara knowing. That’s all well and good, Doodlebug, but I have a feeling your mom’d notice when you didn’t return from school for three frigging days. I’m cautiously assuming she wouldn’t think you fell asleep at the library.
But Jenelle’s plan doesn’t get that far. Barbara catches her trying to sneak out of the house and there’s another screaming match. Jenelle leaves anyway and she and Kieffer get on the road. This is going to end with the police and a stolen credit card accusation, I just know it.
And finally the confrontation we’ve all been waiting for!
Most of me thinks Janet could eat Suzi for lunch in Momma Bear Deathmatch, but if that nose ring taught me anything it’s that Suzi’s a wildcard.
Apparently Jo texted Kailyn that until she pays him back the $600 she still owes him (oh, Kail. Payments of like, $10 a week would have gone such a long way toward maintaining what little good faith you guys have…), she cannot get her stuff. So she and Suzi have driven to the Rivera’s in an attempt to get it without having to pay money neither of them has. Suzi tells Kailyn to wait in the car, and if the Rivera’s do not let her grab Kailyn’s stuff, the authorities will be called. To do what? Police can’t do shit in a situation like this, and I’d think someone like Suzi who’s lived in a motel, would know something like this.
Anyway, she goes inside to try, and things start out civilly enough between the two mothers until Suzi asks for some of Kailyn’s stuff and Janet decides now is the time to be on her son’s side. She tells Suzi to ask Jo for the stuff, and of course, he refuses, attempting and failing to channel Eddie at every opportunity. Eddie, who I assume is out of town for this bit, because I have a feeling he would not stand for this bullshit under his roof. Suzi snaps that the banks are closed (and ATMs do not exist in this dimension), so what are they supposed to do. Jo’s a little snitball some more, and Janet tries to reason with Suzi, telling her that Kailyn really “played him pretty dirty.” Not really, Janet. She did you wrong if anything, but Jo’s a piece of shit and I don’t blame Kailyn the tiniest bit for getting a better boyfriend. Suzi walks out and calls the cops, and Jo prances around his house saying things like, “How you gonna come up in ma crib asking for s***, I ain’t gonna give you f***ing nothing… blah, blah, puff puff, blah.” I feel so badly for Janet in this moment.
She must want to slap the fake ghetto out of him so badly. Lord knows I do.
The cops arrive, and of course, they can do absolutely nothing. The problem of the clothes and the money is between Jo and Kailyn. What the cops do do is reveal to Jo that since there is no formal custody agreement, Jo could keep Isaac indefinitely. So now it’s not just the clothes Jo’s holding out of spite. It’s his fucking kid. I want to punch him in the mouth so. Badly.
Suzi heads out to the car and Kailyn clarifies that even though Jo gave no deadline for the return of the money, now he “needs” it? Suzi confirms and advises Kailyn to get custody papers and child support agreements drawn up, because Jo’s being an idiot so things are going to get ugly. Like his face.
I will say that had Suzi gone in with a plan of, “Hey, here’s hundred dollars. You’re an ass, but we’ll get this shit done with so we don’t have to deal with you anymore.” I think then at least Janet would have pushed the situation a bit more.
Thank goodness that’s over because we get to go back to West Virginia! Leah and Corey head to Corey’s parents house to talk about Ali’s health issues. They’re going to a geneticist, having a second opinion on the EmArAh, and whatever. The best part is when Corey decides to take up Leah on the $5 bet that Ali can roll over from her stomach to her back. Corey grabs Ali from her walker calling her “Show baby,” and sets her on her stomach. I can’t decide if this is sick or adorable.
Everyone cheers Ali on and she rolls over, winning Corey five bucks. It’s so fucking cute I might die.
Ugh, back to South Dakota and “the talk.” I cringed for the entire conversation. Adam manages to accuse Chelsea of playing with Aubree all day and not working (infant care is a breeeeze), then he tells her that if she weren’t such a bitch, he wouldn’t have cheated on her the like, five times he did. Then shit gets so ridiculous it’s hard to follow. Let’s call it “Relationshipping with Adam”
1. If you are a crazy bitch and “draw” your man away, he will cheat.
2. If your man is not happy with you, he will cheat.
3. Everybody cheats.
4. Five times is not a lot.
With this grasp of logic it’s no wonder he doesn’t have a fucking job. Then, in a shocking turn of events, Adam volunteers to end the relationship and find someplace else to live. Things aren’t working out and he’s not going to live like “this” anymore. Then he leaves. Of his own free will.
I wonder if he knocked up a richer girl at some point during the last few weeks…
Chelsea’s shocked, but not sobbing, so that’s good. There’s another sad monkey montage of Kail driving away, Chelsea sitting by herself and Jace… in the sunlight sitting by the door. It’s totally heartbreaking, and I hate Jenelle as much as I did in the first episode. That, my friends, is a lot.
Watch next week when New Jersey blows up in her face.