Teen Mom 2: Everybody Huuurrrts…

Helloooooo Everyone, and welcome to Season Three of “Teen Mom” – installment 2.  Or is that Season One of “Teen Mom 2″?  I don’t know.  MTV is so screwy with their show seasons.  I learned that when I tried to watch “Making the Band” and actually had to do about thirty minutes of research just to find out where the hell I was.  Anyway, onto our loose little girls!!

Hey Girls Hey!

In case you love custody battles, but couldn’t give a shit about teen pregnancies and didn’t watch “16 and Pregnant,” here’s a little catch-up for you on our cast:

Leah is a country girl from West Virginia who got knocked up with twins one MONTH after dating Corey, a rebound from her three-year relationship with a much smarter guy named Robbie.  I say smarter because Robbie obviously knows how to use a condom and is planning on getting the fuck out of Dodge after high school.  When Leah kicked Corey to the curb (well, it was kind of mutual, I guess, but Corey sure wound up crying a lot), she tried to get back with her ex, but Robbie wanted exactly nothing to do with twin girls and at the end of her episode, Leah was left living at home, no man in sight.

Dollars to doughnuts Leah has been to a Spencer’s Gifts recently and purchased a Boys Suck keychain.

Chelsea is another country girl, but this time from the slightly less twangy Midwest.  She hails from Vermillion, South Dakota and while she is obviously in possession of a really good male role model in her dad, that didn’t stop her from dating, having sex with and getting pregnant by Adam, a DILP (Dad I’d Like to Punch).  Here’s the text message he sent her when it came time to officially break-up:

“…worthless stupid [cunt] in the world u better believe its so over for the rest of ourlives ya fat stretch mark bitch tell me where and wen to sign the papers over for that mistake”

See what I mean?

Kailyn lives in Pennsylvania and was pregnant with her boyfriend Jo’s baby.  Jo’s a DILP, too, but his family makes up for it.  Kailyn’s mom is totally worthless and couldn’t house her pregnant daughter because she is currently living in a hotel with her new boyfriend, who already sounds like a catch.  So Jo’s mom Janet took in Kailyn for the duration of her pregnancy, and promised that the Rivera family would be there for whatever Kailyn needed.  Things did not look good for the young couple when Kailyn’s episode ended, mainly because Jo didn’t realize that he’d have to lose sleep when he had a kid.

Kailyn looks this way a lot.  I don’t blame her.

And finally, Jennelle.  What can we say about Jennelle that wasn’t already said by her skunkerrific hairdo on her episode?  Well, she’s an awful combination of dumb and loud, and after she had the baby and her “model” boyfriend exited stage left, it was up to her and her mother Barbara to be baby Jace’s primary caregivers.  Then it was up to Barbara to be Jace’s primary caregiver when Jennelle got it into her head that she could party all she wanted as long as her baby was asleep and her mother was holding down the fort. Yeah, she’s a (rotten) peach.

“Why does America hate me the most, Mom?” “You want the abridged version?”

Good, now that we’re all caught up, let’s get to the good stuff – girls too irresponsible to use a condom now responsible for the raising of one to two real live human beings!

Leah’s up first, and it’s been a few months since she and Corey broke up, though there appears to be some new information.  Now she says that she cheated on Corey with her ex-boyfriend Robbie, and when Corey found out, he broke up with her.  It was then and only then that she realized what she had wanted all along was Corey, but he is gone, baby, gone.  I don’t know, I don’t really remember cheating so much as I remember Leah being a total bitch to Corey and refusing to try and make their relationship work.  Even when he cried about how if they broke up, it would kill him not to be able to come home and see his girls everyday.

I am secretly in love with Corey.

Anywho, Leah’s sad, but she still has to take care of her two girls, Ali and Aleeyah.  I hope Aleeyah has a middle name that differs more significantly than her sister’s first name, or she’s gonna get a complex.  Leah  gets them during the week, and impresses the shit out of me by announcing that she’s managed to catch up enough on her schoolwork and will graduate from high school in a few days.  I don’t think I’ll be able to dress myself if I have twins.

Because she’s “in love” with Corey now that she realizes how fucking difficult it is raising children all by one’s lonesome, she wants him to come to the ceremony.  He hasn’t said yes, but he has agreed to meet up and talk at a park over milkshakes.  The two arrive and sit side by side, awkwardly at a picnic table.  Leah, who has not learned the meaning of the word “subtle” just yet, makes references to the last time they were there and how happy they were.  Corey, looking like he’s just swallowed a fat, FAT canary, agrees that he remembers that day, too.  And he also remembers how in love he was with Leah and how she never appreciated anything he did for her.  To her credit, Leah dutifully eats crow over what a bitch she was and makes no excuses for her previous jackwagon behavior.  But, Corey is unmoved, and it’s pretty clear he’s not ready to get back together.  Leah sadly VOs that that sucks because she just wants her family back.

I’ve been taking like 12 adderol a day just to get by…  That can’t be good for my breast milk.

I was actually totally impressed by this entire exchange.  I think it’s because Corey and Leah consistently speak Hick (“I remember the last time we was here.  We was all happy and stuff…”  “Yup, we was…”) to such a fantastic degree that they could be character research for Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.  I don’t mean to be rude – I’m from Toledo, OH (about 20 miles south of Monroe, MI for those of you who watched Nikkole on “16 and Pregnant”), and I have a Midwest accent that makes people crave bratwurst and buy American.  I’m in a slightly different, but much the same boat.  It’s just really hard to take two people seriously when they sound like caricatures.  The fact that they both seem to be mature kids with their heads on straight kept making me do double takes.

And with that, we’re onto Kailyn.  She’s still living with Jo’s family, the Rivera’s, and after graduating high school, she’s gotten a part-time job and will be starting community college in the fall.  Yay!!  Go Kailyn!  But things aren’t great at “home,” what with Jo being more of a DILP than normal.  Maybe he’s just upset that his name actually isn’t a boy’s name, but a girl’s nickname.

Or maybe it’s just short for “Jose” and Jo’s ashamed of his heritage.  That seems appropriately douchey of him.

Apparently he’s gone from wanting to sleep through the night and pretend the whole baby thing was a terrible dream to being super-controlling.  Kailyn doesn’t have a car, so she’s forced to use his to get to and from her JOB and SCHOOL two things I have HIGHLIGHTED because I’m pretty sure Jo uses his car to go to NEITHER.  They’re shown having an argument outside the Rivera house while Kailyn is holding their son Isaac.  Jo’s showing a spectacular penchant for emotional abuse as he refuses to let Kailyn explain how she legitimately put 80 miles on his car.  A lot of it goes like this:

Jo: You put 100 miles on my car.

Kailyn: It was 80 and -

Jo: Is it 80 miles to get to and from work?

Kailyn: I also went to -

Jo: Is it??

Kailyn: But you know I also went to Kim’s to -

Jo: Just admit you put 80 miles on the car!

Kailyn: I’M TRYING TO!

Jo: Why you shoutin’?

All this while not looking at her, leaning against his mom’s car, smoking a cigarette rocking basketball shorts, socks and sandals.

I feel sort of bad for Janet.  I feel like she worked hard not to raise a cholo.

The couple move inside and sit on the couch, vowing to be civil in front of Isaac.  Jo expresses in the quiet passive aggression only a spoiled brat who doesn’t think they’re a spoiled brat can master, that he feels underappreciated and taken advantage of.  He’s not going to let it keep happening, and breaks up with her.  He emphasizes that they need to live separately for awhile, and suggests that Kailyn move in with her mother when she wonders where she’s supposed to go.  So he can get some sleep.  He doesn’t say that, but he’s totally dumb enough for that to be his main motivation.  I can’t tell where Jo’s ass ends and his head begins.

With that we’re onto Chelsea, whose biggest problem is really just the fact that she still misses her fuckface boyfriend.  Seriously, other than that and the fact that she lives in South Dakota, she’s got it made in the frigging shade.  Her mother and father are divorced, but the family is still close and both parents are non-judgmental and very supportive.  She only has one baby to deal with, and her father is paying for her and one of her friends to live in a house rent-free, so long as she keeps up with her schoolwork.  And probably if she doesn’t.  Chelsea’s dad is kind of a pushover…

I’m sure one day she’ll learn, Randy.  One day.

So yeah, Chelsea doesn’t have to work, gets her own place with a live-in babysitter for FREE and pretty much just has to worry about graduating high school.  I know stable, married thirtysomething moms that don’t have it that easy.  Baby Aubree does me proud though, on moving day, as she diarrheas all over herself in the new house, in what I can only assume is an expression of her opinion about how spoiled her mother is.

“I’m gonna be so white trash.”

Aubree’s debacle also happens in front of Megan and two of the girls’ guy friends who got suckered into helping them move.  From the expressions on everyone’s faces, it looks like it was an effective form of birth control.  I’m guessing Chelsea’s father wisely chose a house near his ex-wife to make sure Aubree saw her first birthday because Chelsea immediately calls her mother to come help.  As she’s going over all the spots on her body that now feature poop, Chelsea apologizes to Megan for stealing the girl’s youth and replacing it with baby waste.  Megan, a creepy amount of sincerity in her voice, tells Chelsea not to worry – she “wants this.”  Is gay marriage legal in South Dakota?

When Mary, Chelsea’s mom, shows up, the girls and guys finish moving while she takes care of Aubree.  At the end of the day, a it’s two girls and a baby in a house that will see very few parties if it knows what’s good for it.

And now it’s time for the cherry on top of this Lowered Expectations Sundae – Jenelle!  Jenelle recaps for us that when she had her son Jace, she thought her boyfriend Andrew would stick around to take care of him.  But of course, he didn’t.  That didn’t stop Jenelle from graduating high school, though, nor did it stop her plans for college.  Really?  College does not now, nor has it ever seemed like Jenelle’s bag.  She VOs that it’s fine that Adam’s out of the picture because her mother Barbara is more than willing to help take care of Jace.  When I say more than willing, I mean more willing than Jenelle, who still insists on going out a lot.  This places much stress on the mother/grandmother/daughter/new mother relationship.

Maybe that’s why Jenelle drinks so much.

At home, Jenelle and Barbara discuss Andrew who pays child support, but has only seen his son about four times.  Apparently he’s modeling in China.  I think it’s more likely that he’s shacked up with someone new a few counties over, but that’s just me.  Barbara’s happy as a clam that Andrew’s out of Jace’s life because he was “no good.”  Seriously, she is frigging jubilant that this kid has no father figure, which is sort of dangerous considering how Jenelle turned out.  For her part, Jenelle seems kind of sad that Andrew’s not around, but is happy that she’s been able to focus on Jace, school and getting a car.  According to herself, she’s doing really well.  Then Barbara brings up how much she goes out, and the civil part of the conversation falls apart faster than a civil conversation between me and MY mom.  It’s fast.

Jenelle argues that she doesn’t go out that much, Barbara says she does, then Jace starts fussing.  Barbara tries to grab for him, but Jenelle keeps him, VOing that Jace is HER son.

Haha, not for long – commercial!

When we return, it’s to West Virginia, where Leah’s mom has taken her to get her hair done for graduation.  The hairdresser oohs and aaahs over the babies, and comments that it must have been so hard to keep up with schoolwork with not one, but two babies.  Leah agrees that it was hard, but softly congratulates herself on accomplishing her goal.  She almost tears up at the thought of leaving high school, and then her mom brings up Corey.  Shitty timing.  Happy  tears threaten to become sad ones as Leah explains that she doesn’t know if he’s coming to the graduation – he hasn’t answered any of her texts.  But the girls’ll be there – in their own special outfits and everything.  There’s a redneck joke in there somewhere, but I’m too lazy to pull it out.

In South Dakota, Ashley and Megan are having a blast co-parenting their little doll, and invite some friends over to drink tallboys because, and I quote, “it’s hard to go out with Aubree.”  Not hard to expose her to inappropriate behavior at the tender age of less than a year, though.

Not hard at all!

The discussion moves to Adam, and while Chelsea says that they basically have no relationship, she does miss him, or at least the idea of him.  She’s also sad that Aubree will never have a traditional family, but have split parents just like her grandparents.  Chelsea hates that her parents are separate, so she vows to try and find a new guy.  Any 18-year-old looking to settle down with a wife and an infant is NOT someone up Chelsea’s alley, I’m sure of that.  That’s got Latter Day Saints written all over it.  There might have been more that was said in that scene, but I was really distracted by the intense eyeshadow and spray tans of all of Chelsea and Megan’s friends.

It’s overkill.

Back in South Carolina, Jenelle’s showing the cameras that she’s a good mom by giving Jace a bath and then VOing about how much time she spends with him.  THEN SHE LEAVES HIM ALONE IN THE TUB!!!  I’m sorry, I know it was for two seconds, and I know the editors didn’t really focus on it, but I literally jumped up and screamed, “DON’T LEAVE HIM ALONE IN THE TUB BABIES CAN DROWN IN ONE INCH OF WATER!!!!” when she left to go get Jace’s towel.   I think Barbara’s got issues of her own, but the scoreboard tipped in her favor at that precise moment.

Jace’s bedroom had better be right next door.

It must be a day that ends in “y” because after she puts Jace to bed, it’s time for her to head out.  Barbara yells out wondering where she’s going, and Jenelle shouts back, “Out!” before slamming the door and peeling rubber away from her son.  She VOs once again that she doesn’t understand why it’s a problem for her to go out if she puts Jace to bed first, and Barbara is there to watch him.  Well, I don’t know how they do it in Jenelle’s family, but if I got myself knocked up by a “model” at age 16, then expected my mother to sit at home and babysit while I went out to risk Pregnancy Number 2, I’d find myself the victim of domestic violence real quick.  And rightfully so.

Jenelle heads to a friend’s house to get ready, and one girl asks her if she misses Jace.  Jenelle proudly states that she takes care of him from the time he gets home from daycare until he goes to bed (what is that?  Three hours?), but she always misses him.  She looks sad for a minute then remembers that she’s about to go get drunk and perks right up.

We get a few shots of the bar, not the least of which is Jenelle riding a mechanical bull in daisy dukes and falling off.  Is Jenelle stupid enough to think people in America will actually be on her team, or did MTV just film her with hidden cameras.

I’m leaning towards stupid.

The next morning, Jenelle’s sleeping as Barbara complains that she once again has to make Jace’s baby bottles.  She mutters that it’s always about Jenelle, never the baby, before whisking him off to daycare as Jenelle sleeps in.  I’m sorry, does Jenelle sit at home all day while her mother goes to work and her son goes to daycare?  Stop paying for that shit, Barbara and leave the kid with its mother.  I’m starting to understand how Jenelle came to suck so much.  Also, as much as she nags her daughter, I think Barbara likes being in control.  Commercial.

In Pennsylvania, Kailyn’s having dinner with her worthless mother, who offers a bite-size jelly packet to her grandson to play with.  Dumbass.  She asks Kailyn how everything is, and Kailyn spills about how overwhelming her life is now.   She has to worry about tuition, books, her job, Isaac, and… the breakup with Jo.  All Suzi can offer is a, “You did?” filled with dread, and then dives into her menu so Kailyn won’t get any crazy ideas about motherly assistance.

I want to punch Suzi in her fat, dumb face.

Kailyn VOs that while she doesn’t want to live with her (worthless, incompetent) mother, it would have been nice to have been asked.  My heart BREAKS for this girl.  It’s a miracle she’s not less fucked up.

She goes to Janet to see if there’s a way it can be worked out for her to stay with the Riveras, and my heart mends a little when Janet steps up to the plate and tells Kailyn that she’s part of the family, regardless of what a dick her son is.  She offers Kailyn the spare room in their basement, and Kailyn gratefully accepts.

Janet’s amazing.

It’s back to Jenelle and her mother, who have about as successful a relationship as Kailyn and Jo.  Jenelle returns home in the morning, once again after having gone out the night before, and can’t fathom why her mother is giving her the cold shoulder.  God, she’s dumb.  Then there’s this really uncomfortable scene between Jenelle, Barbara and Jace, as the two women actively compete over feeding him.  Barbara’s doing the bulk of it, and totally enjoying keeping Jace from Jenelle, who’s itchy to play with her toy.  I think Barbara is legitimately trying to punish Jenelle for being absent by showing her some of the precious moments she’s missing when she’s out getting plastered with her friends and riding headless cow robots.  But I also think Barbara really likes the idea of raising another kid and this time getting it right.  Maybe a little too much.

I feel this even more when Barbara yanks Jace out of Jenelle’s arms to go change him.  When they’re through, she tries to talk to Jenelle about the partying once more, but neither woman is capable of communicating the real problem (that Jenelle is using her mother as a free babysitter and engaging the very same behavior that got her knocked up in the first place), and Jenelle stalks off, yet again.

People like this make me want to be a life coach.

It’s back to Leah and it’s the day of her graduation.  And frankly, I’m kind of pissed at her.  She and her dumb friend Kayla are getting ready and all they can do is talk about how Corey hasn’t even had the decency to text Leah back about coming.  Kayla reasons that if he were really proud of Leah, he’d show.  Leah sadly stares at her phone and I want to fucking punch her for the first time this season.  She’s doing something that she should be so proud of and the fact that she’s wasting even one second of her day on Corey makes me want to shake her.  Also because she and Corey are BROKEN UP, and I don’t know about you, but I was hard pressed to go to my BROTHER’S graduation.  Graduations blow.  Why she would expect that her ex-boyfriend who pretty much wants nothing to do with her except when it comes to the girls would come to one of the most obligatory and unfun family ceremonies in existence is beyond me.

I get that she wants him back, but come ooooon.

Oh, and remember those “special” outfits for the twins she mentioned at the salon?

TA-DA!!

Awesome.  There’s a little shot of the ceremony and a bunch more of Leah looking around for Corey.  She takes a few pictures with the babies and her mom, but it’s obvious where her head is.  Aw…  Okay, I feel bad for her.  I’m a sucker.  Commercial…

In South Dakota, Chelsea’s trying to study (on her leopard print keyboard), but Aubree, though fast asleep, steals her focus.  I think Aubree is just the most valid excuse Chelsea’s ever discovered for avoiding schoolwork.  Megan’s brilliant solution?  Shopping!  With what money, exactly?  Is Daddy also providing a stipend…?  On the shopping trip, Aubree tries on some sunglasses and the girls browse, until Chelsea gets a text from Chris!  A cute boy would like to take her out on a date.  Because she must be easy or because she obviously has low standards?  They agree to go out on Thursday or Friday.

This should be interesting.

It’s moving day for Kailyn as she VOs that she’s moving her stuff to the basement and Jo’s not happy about it.  He’s in the kitchen with his dad trying to gangsta claiming that Kailyn’s not worth getting stressed over and that she did it all of this to herself.  What a fucking chode.  Jo’s dad, not quite ready to face what an asshole his son is, just looks off into the distance and maintains that he’s mainly concerned for the baby.

Kailyn readies her room, which is bare and depressing:

See?

It’s like a windowless dormroom9  She and Isaac hang out together and he starts to cry when she asks him if he likes Mommy’s new room.  Ouch.  I’ll bet Grandma Suckfest’s House of Neglect is looking better and better.

In North Carolina, Jenelle’s trying to focus on Jace since she and her mother still aren’t getting along.  She snags him from Barbara’s skeezy boyfriend and gets a bath ready.  But when she tries to put him to bed in a shirt that’s too big for him, the sparks they do fly!  Barbara jumps at the chance to play with the Jace doll by redressing him (he’ll get cold in something that’s too big for him) and Jenelle whines that she never gets to dress her own child.  Which is fair.  Considering she’s asleep when he needs to be dressed in the morning, nights are all the mommy/son time she gets.

Sidenote: Jace is fucking cute.

It’s just lame, they get into another huge about pointless shit none of which has anything to do with the welfare of Jace, or the real problems in their relationship.  The interesting stuff starts to go down when Barbara disconnects the router so Jenelle can’t use the internet.  THAT makes her completely lose her shit, try to steal the router back, then decide to fuck the internet – it’s more fun to throw the router at her mother.  That leads to Barbara gleefully telling Jenelle to get out of the house, and Jenelle goes, but not after shoving her mother when Barbara tries force her daughter out of the house.  Barbara, and I think she’s actually smiling here, screams that she’s gonna call the police as Jenelle makes a massive mistake and leaves.

Jace+Boyfriend-Jenelle=Fresh Start Family.

Jenelle displays some serious anger issues in this fight, but at this point, I’m starting to think the unstable apple doesn’t fall far from the crazy tree.

In Pennsylvania, surprise, surprise, things are tense.  Kailyn and Jo appear to be civil, but she tells her friend Stephanie that the whole living arrangement is hella awkward.  She even feels uncomfortable around his family, and she can’t wait to get out of the house to go to work.  But even though she didn’t picture her life without Jo (really?  Like, not at all?  Kailyn’s surprisingly romantic…), and this whole situation is really terrible, it is what it is.  Aw, I love Kailyn.  She’s such a fucking trooper.  I just wish she’d kick her mom in the crotch one of these days.

Leah’s still mooning over Corey, so she calls him and invites him to dinner – after she takes him to task for not coming to her graduation.  He plays hard to get like a CHAMP telling her he “couldn’t make it.”  She sighs a little bit and tells him that if he wouldn’t mind staying for a bit when he comes to pick up the girls that weekend, she’d like to make him dinner.  Corey champs once again, and tells her maybe.  Nice work, Corey.  Nice work.  Make her earn it.

Chin up, Sweetie.  You’ve got some groveling to do, but I think it looks good.

It’s time for Chelsea’s date, and Megan’s watching Aubree as Chelsea gets ready.  Chelsea’s nervous, but when Megan asks her about Adam, he doesn’t appear to be a second though.  Chris pulls up and they head to eat.  Chelsea makes the grievous mistake of mentioning baby diarrhea in the car, and it’s pretty much downhill from there.

Which sucks because Chris is kinda cute.

There’s a TV in the restaurant and Chris keeps getting distracted by a basketball game that’s on.  Chelsea texts Megan to see how Aubree is, kind of to needle him, and in two minutes it’s clear that these two have absolutely nothing to talk about.  Chelsea VOs that the date was a bust, and that sucks for her.  It’s gonna be awhile before she finds anybody she’s really compatible with.  Besides her dad, I mean.

Kailyn’s in better spirits when we see her next, because she’s leaving for work.  It makes her sad that Jo is still ignoring her when they used to be so into each other.  But, there’s a tall blond OppositeJo at work named Jordan that’s totally into her.  Uh-oh…  He asks her out, and she hedges, but she VOs that if things with Jo don’t work out, maybe she should start seeing someone new.  Not if you want to stay in that house…

Think before you act, Honeybee.

In North Carolina, Jenelle’s staying with her friends Teri and Jordan, but she misses Jace, and since Barbara hasn’t been answering her calls, she decides it would be an excellent idea to just drop by.  But there’s a surprise waiting for her at her mother’s house -

A lawsuit!  Jenelle just got seeerrved.

She screams that she’s gonna fucking kill her mom and all manner of violent swearing, before jumping out of the car and storming into the house.  Barbara?  If you want to make me believe you’re more interested in taking care of this situation in a way that would be least damaging to Jace, change your fucking locks.  Jenelle gets right on into her mother’s face screaming that she’ll countersue, that Barbara will never get custody, that she hates her and blah, blah, blah.  It’s basically a heightened version of all of their other fights.  Barbara fires back that Jenelle’s out all the time and never takes care of Jace, but Jenelle stomps out before Barbara can finish.  She’s outside reviewing the lawsuit with her friends, when Barbara follows her out because Barbara likes stirring hornet’s nest, and it won’t traumatize Jace at all to see a violent confrontation between his two caretakers at nine months old.  Oh, he’s sitting by the door watching the entire thing, fyi.  I’m surprised they didn’t step on him…

Damn that kid is cute.

Jenelle screams at her mother to get out of her face, which of course Barbara does NOT do.  Then Jenelle achieves levels of white trash heretofore unseen by my snotty, Yankee eyes.  She turns on her mother, threatening to punch her and all but starts beating her chest in an attempt to get the older woman out of her face.

It’s awesome in an awful way.

The women continue to scream at each other as Barbara is successfully backed up on to the porch.  Barbara may not be smart enough to lock her door, but it appears she’s smart enough to get out of the way.  Jenelle’s adamant that Jace is HER son, not her mother’s, and Barbara is just as adamant that Jenelle take care of him better.  Jenelle snots that obviously Barbara’s the one with the parenting issues considering that Jenalle wound up on “16 and Pregnant.”  Oh, Jenelle.  That was a little off the mark.  Barbara snaps that Jenelle’s the one who spread her legs, and the whole thing ends on a pretty ugly note.

In South Dakota, Chelsea’s hanging out with her dad to shake off her terrible date.  She admits that she really did think that she and Adam would live happily ever after, and it’s all her father can do to hold back his laughter.  She claims that while she doesn’t want Adam back, she misses him when she gets lonely.  Her father corrects her that she misses the idea of him, and she agrees.  But that’s all pretty depressing considering she knows that she won’t be getting a boyfriend anytime soon.  Her dad soothes her as best he can, but hey, it’s tough being a single mom.

She’s gonna have to start wearing less mascara if she’s gonna keep crying like this.

At Leah’s, Corey has agreed to stay for dinner (yay!) and Leah’s making fried chicken, mac ‘n cheese and what appears to be cornbread.  I love that southern cooking is often different shades of brown and/or yellow.  She VOs that it would have been their first anniversary today…  Oh damn, this is going to be the most depressing dinner ever.  Corey shows up and is adorable with the girls before sitting down to eat.  He is the only non-DILP on this show.  Andrew might not be one if he ever gets back from “China.”  The two chit-chat about uncomfortable beds and Corey makes a joke about how Leah’s a slut.  Then he has the gall to tell Leah SHE’S depressing HIM, and Leah points out that he’s not being very nice.  That remark provides a nice little segue into a really weepy relationship talk.  Corey tells Leah that according to her, they jumped into a relationship, and she protests that a year into the whole situation, her tune has changed.  She awesomely apologizes once more for what she admits was very immature behavior, but asks that he stop punishing her now that she’s learned from her mistakes.  Oh, and she’s crying.

And I want to HUG HER!!!

This gets to Corey enough that he tells her he wants to work it out for each other and the girls, but he needs time – he was really hurt.  Then she breaks out the cornbread.  But it’s not cornbread.  It’s a fucking cake, which she frosts and decorates for their anniversary.  Oh, and there’s a card.

Yeah, me too, Corey.  Me too.

Both crying parents load the girls into the car, and the episode ends with a montage of all the miserable moms.  Nobody told me this show was such a downer.

Next week: Jenelle tries to lawyer up, Jo and the Riveras find out that Kailyn is seeing someone new, Chelsea wants Adam back (AAAAAAHH!!), and one of Leah’s girls could have spinal issues.  More crying all around, I’ll bet.