Teen Mom 2 was on last night. I wrote this recap last Sunday night though, because this show is so lazy anymore that I figured I’d knock it out early. The delay in posting is only because I had to wait for the episode to be online so I could get some pictures for you. I probably could have done those early, too since most of Teen Mom 2 is close ups of the girls and Corey’s truck, as opposed to oh, I dunno actual storylines and junk.
America’s favorite out-of-control teen, Jenelle, is still fighting with Tori, and for some reason, Barb agrees to let her move home again, but not without exercising the right to a few subtle ‘I told you sos.” In my day, these two would be on the Rikki Lake Show, throwing both insults and chairs at each other but now they’re just the norm on MTV reality programming. Hiding under her hoodie, in her safe place, Jenelle doesn’t register Barb’s sarcasm, saving us all from yet another clip of Jenelle yelling at her mother to shut up, or to leave Jenelle A-LOOOOOOOONNNNNNEEEEEE.
Jenelle’s in her safe place, hiding under a hoodie.
Barb asks about the fight with Tori and Jenelle does cop to that it got physical but says she didn’t start it. She’s too concerned with her charges to be going around hitting people. Sadly, that mentality must not have lasted long, since we know she’s been brawling. Barb takes this so much in stride that you gotta kinda think she’s got some scrapping behind her as well. It would not surprise me even a little if Barb used to hit the shore and party hearty, including a few good tumbles over spilled drinks or parking spaces or something stupid, like how annoying windshield wipers can be when they’re just sitting there doing their work but you’re so irritable from coming down off your coke bender, you’re clear that they’re obviously trying to start something.
She heads off to meet with her lawyer, and I’m not sure about this guy. He seems like such a bro. I can totally picture him sitting on his couch later in his boxers, watching The League and talking on Bluetooth to one of his brofriends about how crazy Jenelle is. He just seems so dramatic. He wants everything to be dismissed, and there’s an off-chance since nothing was on her at the time – the drugs and the bong were in another room. Also, Keiffer told the cops that the stash was his. And geez, how much more to this story there must be.
He’s so gonna call all his bros later during a break from Modern Warfare.
I mean, cops get called to a house where a young girl is sleeping illegally. She doesn’t realize her boyfriend left her there? And the cops find pot and a pipe or whatever in another room? Did they have their stuff all spread out throughout the house and that’s why the cops searched for what I thought was a negligible amount of doob? It sounds fishy to me, like there had to have been a whole lot more to that night. Regardless, she’s not likely to get all the charges dropped. Realistically, she’s probably going to have to defer one of the charges and ask for a year of supervised probation. If that goes well, she’s off the hook. If it doesn’t, she’s up a creek. She’s so stone cold, but inside I guess she’s seething? She is so weird. She sits like a statue, like she understands everything and then inevitably, she breaks down and beats the crap out of inanimate objects, and sometimes people. Girl’s got a game face though; she should take up poker.
She’s worried about how all of this might affect her relationship with Keiffer. It’s like, 45 seconds into the recap and I’m worried about how her worrying about Keiffer might affect my relationship with my motivation to deal with Teen Mom 2 and Jenelle’s unaddressed mental illness. I watch a lot of Intervention y’all, and she’s one that Candy Finnegan would totally break. Then, we’d get a Jenelle interview from her treatment facility, she’s slightly pudgier and her skin looks great and she tells us how she’s working on boundaries with Barb… then the black screen of justice would tell us that Jenelle has been sober since December 17, 2011. She still is dating Keiffer.
It’s court day, and Jenelle seriously looks like a Vegas stripper on a day off. Big hair, white sort of dressy sweatpants, and a white vee-neck Victoria’s Secret PINK shirt. Super classy for court. Can I just say that even Amber Portwood wore a button down to court, y’all! Even. Amber. Portwood… Jenelle… ugh. She’s killing me. She and her friend Melissa roll off to court, but not before Jenelle boots Melissa to the backseat so that Keiffer can co-pilot. Lord knows he knows his way to the County building.
Stay classy, Jenelle.
Jenelle, as expected, ends up with supervised probation. No drugs. No drinking. No associations with people who have drug and alcohol charges, which as she points out, are all of her friends. Random drug testing. It actually really stinks and I do have sympathy for her. She made her choices, of course, but I can also understand how at 19, it’s traumatic to try and understand that your lifestyle is absolutely over, and that includes all of your friends. Heck, even the good kids she knows or friends from school if she has any, are still too young to be done making dumb choices about pot and booze. The real kicker though, is that Keiffer walked out with nothing. He wasn’t on the premises so he got all of his charges dropped here. No punishment whatsoever. Her lawyer explains that he is in a different boat and has cocaine charges still pending, that his story here isn’t over but still. Jenelle is irritated and it’s understandable.
Keiffer’s all “my lawyer is a monster!” and Jenelle’s friend is all, ‘don’t be a doucher and gloat about this.’ Jenelle finally walks out with her lawyer and the minute they split company, she goes into over-drive on being pissed. Keiffer immediately says it’s not his fault, but the thing is… in her mind, it is his fault. She knows that she got in over her head here and let a dumbass guy lead her to a place where she got in a huge, life-changing amount of trouble. He does not get to say it’s not his fault, even though it’s not literally his fault that she has probation and he gets to party on. He’s got a soft voice, but he’s got no real compassion here. And homegirl’s freaking out hard about not being able to smoke.
Another week of Teen Mom 2, another Keiffer/Jenelle fight in the front seat of the car. This time, she’s mad because he can go smoke a blunt and she can’t. I have no words.
She’s freaking out so hard in fact, that seriously, where is Candy Finnegan? This can’t just be about ripping bongs, there’s just no way. This is a tantrum about how it isn’t fair she got in so much trouble and he didn’t, how it isn’t okay that he doesn’t see his complicity in her situation, how she has to make all new friends and be accountable to her poor choices, and how yeah, she can’t smoke a fatty and kick it watching Sponge Bob anymore.
Awwww, Kail and Isaac are sick. Knock on wood! Being sick is no rock-and-roll fun, so eat your spinach and drink your Emergen-C! Jo’s got payroll deduction for child support and it’s still the full amount. Kate Gosselin Hair Lawyer calls to tell Kail that Jo’s attorney asked for a continuance and it was granted, so they won’t be in court any time soon.
Poor baby’s sick. Sad face.
When Kail goes to drop off Isaac with Jo for the weekend, she brings it up but Jo is more interested in bringing up to Kail that it’s time he meets Jordan. Jordan is around a lot, he’s serious with Kail, and it’s only right that Jo shake the hand of the man who’s spending a bunch of time with his baby boy. Kailyn is bitchy about it, but that seems so weird so I wonder if it’s just her naturally bitchy personality coming out. Also, I’m so confused on timeline already but now I’m confused on location. Outside Jo’s house is like this almost palm-looking plant? It seems so tropical for Pennsylvania. Are we editing for location, too MTV? Why would I not be surprised if there’s a Hills moment and when the last credits roll, the sound stages come down and the babies get handed back to their real moms. Ali and Aleeah? They’re actually played by triplets. Who knew?
Kail’s at school pulling a Chelsea or Jenelle and concentrating on her mens instead of on homework. Her friend Meagan asks her what’s up, and mentions that Jo’s got a lady friend when Kail says it’s time for a classic awkward co-parenting moment – New Lover Meets Other Parent. By the way, this is the 93rd Meagan on this show. It’s the official name of supporting characters in the Teen Mom Nation. You can pretty much assume that I’m just going to call every female extra on this show Meagan from now on, because it’s most likely that I got it right and it’ll save me a ton of time.
Kail’s surprised, and a little defensive when she says Jo thinks he’s some rock star, so the girl is probably some little groupie. Kail promises to text Meagan after the meet-up, because it’s going to be hella rad (not). Only they didn’t say ‘hella,’ because it’s a West Coast thing, I think. Meh. Youth. Everything is SUCH a big deal. It’s inevitable that Jo would need to meet Jordan, and Kail’s usually less engaged in the drama than she is here, but she lets her friend get excited about it anyway.
Jordan’s taking care of our sickly Kail with Cup-of-Soup and cuteness. She brings it up that it’s time for new boyfriend to meet old boyfriend. Jordan isn’t excited about this at all, and he’s even less excited when Kail lays it on his that Jo will try to intimidate him. She tells Jordan to just have zero attitude and let it happen if he wants to have things go as well as possible.
When Meetin Up Day is upon us, Jordan’s really nervous about it, but Kail’s lost her patience with his nervousness. He tries to tell her she’d be nervous, too if the shoe was on the other foot and she was meeting a baby-mama. She doesn’t deny it, but she tells him she would understand why it’s important. They are mid-fight when Jo knocks on the door.
They bro-hugged after that weak hand-shake, and it was somehow less awkward.
Jo walks in and the first thing he says to Jordan, “Whoa, you are a big dude.” They shake hands, but it’s one of the weakest handshakes I’ve ever seen. It’s more like they take hands, and I was waiting for a Beverly Hills double-kiss there for a minute! Jo is a lot of things, and he definitely tries to be grown-up, sometimes way too hard. Things he says and the way he says them are like he copied them from Janet and Eddie. I like that he tries, and despite that he’s obviously got faults and stuff, he’s probably going to grow up to be a super decent guy. I also like it that he sits down, takes off his coat, and makes himself comfortable. He owns this space a lot more than Jordan does. He tells Jordan that he wanted to meet him, wanted to make sure he’s a good guy, not a drug addict or anything. And he takes it a step further to say that he hopes the communication lines stay open and healthy, since they all are there because they care about Isaac… and vicariously, Kailyn.
This is so great, isn’t it!
Talk turns to how it’s cool they can all be in the same room to play with Isaac, and Kail starts teasing Jo about a girlfriend. Jo’s all smiles and denials about having Isaac around girls, in the plural, but there’s one girl here and there. Kail teases him a little more and it turns into a little bit of flirting, the kind that’s natural when everyone’s in a good mood after realizing that there’s smooth sailing in a situation that could have been really awkward. Kail and Jo are vibing on how well things went, I should say; Jordan is so uncomfortable that he’s actually playing with one of Isaac’s toys and hiding his face behind it. So there’s that.
Jordan is handling accepting Jo as part of Kail’s life so, so well.
She misses Adam. They haven’t talked. She is working at Year Round Brown. Her insistence to add a Valley Girl affectation to her already heavy accent is like nails on a chalkboard. The end.
Then I found out last night that she bought a brand new Jeep on a tanning salon salary, with some help from her dad. Clearly, I am in the wrong field. My ’07 Nissan Versa doesn’t even have hubcaps, and I have a Masters degree. WTH? She’s done some research and she wants to do the March of Dimes walk, since Aubree was five weeks early. She tells her friend who we’ll call Meagan that she does more, and feels so much lighter since Adam’s not around. She says that in the past she’d have wanted to do something like this, and he would have told her it was dumb or not wanted to do it so she would have dropped it. But she misses him. Le sigh.
Thanks Daddy and MTV!
She and all her Megans, only not the actual Megan go meet with Megan from March of Dimes for the infomercial part of the show. Two more episodes, and God willing, I’ll be only a couple of days post-knee surgery and won’t have to deal with Dr. Drew’s reunion special, where I’m positive that he’ll try to make Chelsea feel bad for being happy Adam’s out of her life at the moment. The only thing I can’t stand more than Adam and Chelsea is Dr. Drew. March of Dimes, blah blah. We all know the drill. Sign up donors, use the Internet, do the walk, collect the dough, turn it in for a good cause.
Meet Megan #4 on this show. It’s the official name of the Teen Mom 2 Nation.
Chelsea’s not sure how to fundraise so she and her friend roll over to Year Round Brown to ask Jessica, the boss lady. I’m quoting: “This is Funnnnnn-uh.” Now my ears are bleeding. Jessica thinks that Year Round Brown might be willing to donate, so Chelsea gets herself atwitter about calling the Big Boss. Naturally, he says it’s no prob for YRB to put in $100 and I’m sure that has nothing to do with how there are mics and television cameras around. He comes right over with a check, too so it’s high fives all around for Chelsea and her gyrlz.
Who was Chelsea in a past life that it’s twice now we’ve seen people writing checks for her so readily???
She later has the ladies over to make tee shirts for the walk, and it is a roomful of young girls only one of whom does NOT have a toddler. There are how many girls over there? Five? The OG Megan isn’t even there, but we know she’s pregnant, too. Yeah, all but one has a baby and the rest of them are all, “Way to use protection! Woot!” I mean, yeah. It already happened, so why judge it. They had sex, they got pregnant, they have babies. It just seems like a lot of very girls in this community have babies.
First annual meeting of the Vermillian Teen Mom Play Group Tie Dye Society. Who pooped?
A theory though, is that Chelsea has always had a lot of friends and maybe now that she has Aubree, she’s created a group of friends who have babies, too. In other words, maybe they’re from all over the community and are a little clique of their own now? Any friend of mine who’s had a baby suddenly had new friends, and those friends all have babies so I’m just saying that… eh, who knows. There’s a buncha girls up in Chelsea’s kitchen and they all but one of them have little babies.
Also, they all have boyfriends so Chelsea hates them. “You have boyfriends? I hate you all.” Oh honey, get an FWB for making out, and a dog for company/home security. It’s so much easier than a full time boyfriend. Chelsea says that if she could just have an explanation as to why Adam chooses skanks and cars over her and Aubree, then she could move on. My best friend used to say that closure is when girls hear what they want to hear. It’s sort of true here, though, and her friends imply so when they tell her that there is no explanation. She will not hear what she wants to hear so she’s got to just close up shop on the whole drama thing and move on already.
It’s March of Dimes Walk day! They have to get up early, but Aubree is not having it. She even says ‘no’ when Chelsea drags her out of bed. It’s SUPER cute! Chelsea is the luckiest teen mom, ever. Not only does her dad/MTV pay for her life of leisure including a brand new car and a rented condo of her own, but her baby loves to sleep.
They get to the walk, which is in the mall, and they’re decked out in tie-dye and Olivia Newton-John style head bands, which are not even remotely sexy on any planet and never were. I want to sit all of these chicks down and brush their hair, then put it up in a tidy ponytail and show them how good they would look with less crap going on. Apparently, I’m skipping a few generations here and turning into a 67 year old spinster aunt, right before your very eyes. I better hurry this up, because I have a Bridge game to get to.
It’s an interesting look for mall walking, that’s for sure.
The girls exceeded their $500 goal, so that’s pretty cool. Mostly though, we get a lot more of Chelsea’s friends telling her how she’s such a good mom, Adam is a bad dad, she doesn’t need Adam, she’s happier and more fun and has them to hang out with now. I’m sure next week we’ll have Adam back, but that’s cool. I can knock that part of the recap out right now: Adam came back into her life and he treated her badly. She hates it, but she can’t move on because she wants Aubree to have her family. Boom. Done.
There’s zero that’s funny here, so honestly…. well, nothing. There’s nothing funny about this situation of Leah and Corey. Children with a developmentally questionable baby who are on the brink of divorce over living in a run-down trailer… not really comedy, not gonna lie. And that’s the problem with Teen Mom 2. There is no Butch, or Gary-time, or purple nervous Kyle… there’s zero levity.
Leah’s hanging out with her friend Kayla (Megan) and drops it that she and Corey are fighting all the time now. Corey’s upset that she went to her parents for help with a house that’s better for their family, and she thinks he’s still committed to the idea of a new truck. She feels like she tries to communicate with him but he just grunts at her. She’s willing to work on everything, because she does not want to give up on her family, but she’s starting to feel like Corey isn’t being clear with her because he doesn’t love her. She’s feeling like he doesn’t want to work on it and needs to just tell her that.
Leah moves through life at the speed of light. I do too, and I wish I had more of Leah’s balls to be honest. This is a girl, right or wrong, who jumps in and figures it out. I think Maci is almost a Leah, but Maci still wants approval whereas Leah? Leah just takes care of business. She’s probably stubborn, and staying true to how old and out of it I feel today, we’d say that she’s a little too big for her britches at times. But. She sure does take care of things and thinks about the bigger picture better than any of the rest of this crew. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have the maturity to cull from her husband a time-line and result that’s more to her liking. She jumps to anger, he gets defensive, she takes action that leaves him out of the decision and now we know that they’ve split up. It’s pretty much a, b, c, d here.
She goes to meet up with Corey and talk while Kayla watches the girls inside. He says he’s confused, doesn’t feel like she’s seeing both sides but she insists she does see both sides. Truly, these are two people who will never understand each other and they’re too young to let it ride. He claims that he’s moved past the truck and that what she’s failing to see is how she’s forging ahead without really waiting for him to ready to forge ahead with moving. She’s telling him he’s a jerk who doesn’t care about his family but she’s not really given him the time he needs to make decisions and re-think things. He jumps to saying those awful words, “Maybe we rushed this,” and it’s tears all around. They both cry, the babies cry, I cry, Vladmir Putin cries, my dog cries, Facebook cries… it’s sad.
Oh Ali, we all cried, honey.
Later on, Leah pulls herself together and goes over to her moms with her friend Kayla to pick some stuff up her mom has. She’s thinking out loud in the car, about how maybe Corey doesn’t want to try anymore. Kayla puts it out there that maybe he was holding something back and didn’t show her this side before they got married; this side was probably not knowable at the point at which they got married. And it was Corey who rushed getting married, so Corey doesn’t get to bail here. Leah said they could slow down, he told her he was out if they slowed down.
Leah didn’t want her mom to know she was crying, but good luck with that one. Even her hair is wilted.
Leah’s mom lets it out that they found a place that seems great. Leah hasn’t seen it but she trusts her parents. The only thing is that she’d have to sign on it by Friday which is only a couple of days away. It’s a big decision. Her mom says she won’t pressure her, but I feel like everyone knows what’s going on here. They’re all too tired and look too strung out on worrying to now all be totally aware that if Leah signs for this place, Corey’s probably not joining her there. I think Leah is the only one who’s not prepared to see that as clearly as her loved ones do.
She really truly believes that the choice she’s making is the best one for her family, and she’s totally right. She can’t keep the babies in a place that’s falling apart when they have the resources to have a place that’s healthier for everyone. She claims that she can’t keep waiting for Corey, even though he says he’d have started looking in two week, and again she’s not wrong really. It’s one of those bad scenarios where two stubborn people can’t see a way to feel like they worked together so one person will always, always feel slighted.
Not good. Not good at all.
She finally breaks it to Corey that her mom found a place for them. He’s pissed, he’s really pissed that she jumped over him and he’s not entirely wrong, either. She gets angry real quick, though and basically implies that he’s dragging his feet so why shouldn’t she just take care of it if she has the resources to do so. Methinks Corey doesn’t like The Wifey being a provider. He isn’t particularly lazy, and she had the time and resources to make this healthier place happen but they’re both angry and defensive so neither one of them’s gonna see that there’s a way to work this out, really.
Instead, Corey kind of gives his permission that she can sign off on the new place. It kills him to do it, so she confirms over and over before she calls her mom. It’s so tense that she keeps both eyes on him while she’s telling her mom Corey said it was okay. Her mom’s no fool though, and says that Lee, Leah’s step-father, is worried they’ve caused the tension by helping out. Leah takes responsibility and reminds her mom that she came to them to ask for help. The vibe in Leah and Corey’s living room must be so, so dark.
“We both know what’s happening here, and I dare you to say it Corey.”
When she hangs up, she tells her that he probably won’t go with her. She loses it, but at the same time, it’s sort of not all that unexpected. We can’t feel the chemistry through the TV, and we can’t sense what’s going on in that room but at the end of the day, the smart money should be on the fact that these two already have the sense that it’s over. They’ve had an intense couple of years, which no doubt created and intense connection and I’m betting they are tuned into each other pretty strongly. Which means that yeah, they already know it’s over at this point and that Leah going to her parents, getting a new place for them on her own is an admission that they’re not going to be staying in the same place literally, and figuratively.
TWO MORE TIMES. It’s going to take me awhile to get over the fact that MTV had months of good footage but only gave us more than hair color and fender benders in the last three episodes here. And who knows? Next week we may have to talk about a new ‘do for one of our TM2s. In meantime, party on Wayne.
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