Teen Mom 2 Recap: Love Will Tear Us Apart. Duh.


I would like to remember the inimitable Whitney Houston.  I’m not kidding.  ’Saving All My Love,’ ‘How Will I Know,’ ‘Didn’t We Almost Have It All,’ all great songs, and if you tell me you never in your life sang ‘The Greatest Love of All’ or ‘I Will Always Love You’ alone in your car and/or shower, I would be seriously tempted to think you’re lying.  There are sooooo many amazing jams she gave us.  As a kid, it was Whitney, Madonna, and Janet (Miss Jackson if you’re nasty).  Godspeed, Whitney.

And with that massive leading aside, we’re off to Teen Mom 2.  The finale. Praise The Lord, even if it is nother 90 minute episode, PTL all the way.  By my calculations, MTV wasted 10 hours of our lives, and had the editing been even a little bit better, it could have only wasted like, seven or eight hours we will never get back.

Jenelle

Jenelly-belly’s off to rehab.  She lands in Long Beach, which is ironic given that the LBC is where Snoop and Warren G first started rolling blunts.  The irony here is that Snoop, whom I freaking love, was part of the 1990s music scene that normalized weed for the mainstream.  And rap music, but that’s a different essay.  She’s really headed to Malibu, because despite that she’s a teenage dirtbag, she’s a lucky teenage dirtbag.  She finally gets to rehab and when they go to search her bag, she tells them they’ll probably find a blunt wrapper.  She also has to drug test and sure enough, she’s pos-i for THC.

She sits down with one of the staff and they talk about Jenelle’s addiction is marijuana.  But even better is when she tells the doctor that her smoking grass is not a problem for her, that the only problem is that she’s not allowed to toke.  Oh, well, then, sure – no problems whatsoever, Chief.  Her logic is… well, let’s just say that there’s zero question that Jenelle has no Vulcan ancestry here.  Her counselor says that she needs to learn some coping skills.  My rat terrier could have pointed that out.

www.tmz.com does not miss a beat… and what I didn’t miss is how ludicrous it it for Jenelle to say ‘smart.’  Maybe she’s book smart, but she dropped out of college, so who the hell knows. 

She sits down with the medical doctor at the facility, and she confesses that her drug of choice is ganja and also that she’s depressed.  She likes to ignore her problems, and because she’s depressed, she smokes to be happy.  Again with the logic fail.  Pot’s a depressant.  And another thing I’d like to mention is that potheads as hardcore as Jenelle know pot.  They know every detail, every kush, thai, ditch, and hydroponic strain that there is.  They know the right temperature.  They know where their stash was grown and they know the effects of the drug on a clinical level.  Hey, I watch a lot of Weeds, what can I say.  Just kidding.  I went to a tiny liberal arts college for undergrad.  Make all the assumptions you want to.  She isn’t applying any of her brains here at all, and there’s no way that A.  The doctor wouldn’t point this out to her; B. She hadn’t heard it before.  She doesn’t care about being depressed.  She cares about how to deal with it.

She also tells the doctor that her brother is bi-polar and schizophrenic so the doctor gives her an initial assessment, which she proceeds to immediately fail.  Pass.  I dunno which it is when you’re being diagnosed with a serious mental condition.  I’m not convinced she’s truly bi-polar, and I’m gonna get a large ration of shit for this that I probably will deserve, but I think that’s a hot diagnosis right now.  In the 90s, it was depression.  Anxiety got it’s day, and now we’ve moved on to bi-polar.  I think Jenelle may be on a spectrum somewhere, but I think she’ll turn up schizophrenic in the next few years.  We already know that she didn’t maintain taking care of herself, which of course isn’t to say that she’s NOT bi-polar, but I think there’s gonna be more to this in a few years for her.  She’s honest about being irritable often, and to being violent.  The doctor wants to observe her more, but he also wants to treat her for anxiety.  Great.  So she’s going from pot to Xanax before the real Slim Jenelly stands up.

There may be a comparison here.  Eminem went to rehab for Ambien addiction AND they both love hoodies.  If I was a yenta, I’d hook them up.     

She’s taking her pills and working her program, but she’s restricted from her phone and from the Internet for two weeks and she’s getting really bored.  Her caginesss tells me that Jenelle has no real interest in going deeper and figuring herself out.  $100 bucks says she thinks a pill is going to cure her.

The counselor she’s working with asks her to give three words that describe her.  Jenelle says, “Impulsive, smart, angry.”  Now we want three words of qualities you want to have.  ”Happy, more caring, affectionate.”  That’s four words, but the counselor leaves it alone and moves on to point out that she thinks the Jenelle is in the midst of a weed craving.  Whaaaat?  A weed craving?  More like  she’s bored out of her mind and hasn’t connected to taking the stillness she’s offered at rehab to figure her ish out, is more like it.  So yeah, she wants to smoke a doober.

Jenelle tears up a bit, now that the counselor has confirmed that Jenelle’s pot craving is legit.  Jenelle spills about being bored, can’t not do nothin’ to do, or some other grammatical mess I can’t totally understand.  Surely these experts are aware that Jenelle’s issue is coping, not smoking?

The counselor tells her that things will get better, and that’s when Jenelle lays it on us that she has smoked everyday for six years.  That means since age thirteen, and I’m sorry, but that means that she has likely done irrevocable damage to her brain.  As much as I am not at all even remotely against pot smoking, I just cannot believe that everyday pot use by a child whose brain is still developing has no long-term effect.  It must.  She may have a major behavioral health diagnosis, but she has literally broken her brain, too.  Kids party, goodness knows I did.  But everyday?  From age 13, through a pregnancy, to age 19?  There’s got to be damage, there has to be.

A more accurate image would be of scrambled eggs, because Jenelle passed up sunny-side up years ago.

Finally we hit the two week point, and Jenelle gets her phone back.  Man.  I wish I could toss the thing for two weeks, sometimes.  Seriously, two weeks down with knee surgery may end up being a good thing.  The pace of my life is ridonk lately.  Forced downtime is starting to look attractive, even with the horrific circumstance of having a cadaver’s Achilles heel sewed into my knee as a new ACL.  Man, I am going to be so pissed if I don’t wake up with psychic powers, or knowing Portuguese.  It would be a true miracle since I had to look up even how to spell ‘Portuguese’ just now.

Jenelle gets her precious iPhone back, and finds a ton of texts and calls from Keiffer.  She catches him for a quick convo on the subject of, “Are we getting our shitty relationship back on track, or what?”  Jenelle does stay firm here, and says she needs to focus on herself so she needs space.  He should be happy for her, but they are a codependent train wreck, so it’s no surprise he’s gonna try to hang on.  Plus, he’s a user.  Barb said it on camera.  I believe it.  I totally buy it that he was, at least in part, using her for her MTV cash and for camera time.  Which, hello McFly?  Now his coke charges discussed on national television, so you’d think he’d be kind of over the whole ‘I’m on TV! I’m on TV!’ trip.

Yep.  You are on TV.  And you look like a massive, dirt-bag loser.  Good job!

She and her counselor sit down to call Barb and break the bi-polar news.  Barb suspected as much, and honestly takes this way too much in stride for it to not be a recreation.  Sorry.  Plus, if you suspect, don’t you take her in somewhere?  Although, in Barb’s defense, by the time it probably starting looking like more than teenage antagonism and arrogance, Barb was a 57 year old with an infant to raise.

Barb tells the counselor and Jenelle that she wants them to get along, and she wants Jenelle to be more involved with Jace.  She goes on to say that Jace is more bonded to her than he is to Jenelle.  Jenelle starts to get twitchy, and the counselor senses things are escalating.  See, Candy Finnegan would have made sure that Barb got into The Betty Ford Family Center.  Just sayin’.  I hope someone is keeping track of how many balls MTV has dropped for this girl.

The counselor brings things back from the boiling point, and tells Barb that Jace is a really sensitive subject.  Well yeah, it’s chicken and egg though.  Did Barb take over and cuckhold Jenelle’s motherhood, or did Barb just do what a baby needs a good mother to do?  Both?  It’s a hard call.  Jace needed to be cared for and Jenelle said all along that it was too hard, that she wanted her mom to do it.  So Barb did do it, and Jenelle STILL didn’t get it even though she started giving lip service to caring for Jace.  So Barb kept doing it and now Jace is more bonded to her than to Jenelle.  Duh.

The counselor points out how much they really love each other, but they bond in their love through fighting.  Jenelle thinks things are starting to calm down a bit but there’s a long way to go here.

Time passes, and America’s Favorite Delinquent is dropping clean, doing yoga, and generally feeling good.  She’s got meds that are working and she has no craving for pot.  She talks to the doctor, and he agrees she’s doing well.  He does remind her, though, that while the meds are working, they will be far less effective if she drinks and/or smokes out.  I dunno, I just can’t see Jenelle in the midst of a screaming fight with Barb, storming out of the house all, “LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOONE – I HAVE TO GO TO YOOOOOGA!”

Jenelle, all ready for post-tantrum yoga!

And so she leaves rehab.  We can cover how she got home, and had presents for everyone, and Barb was happy to see her but still got a little preachy, and she kind of played with Jace a little… but we all know what happened subsequently for Jenelle.  Rehab didn’t work out that well this first time.  So MTV, no lie, fucking hire Candy Finnegan already.  Can we start an email and Twitter campaign to get Candy involved here?  Dr. Drew is too busy tanning and Tweeting to handle this with the attention, expertise, and time it needs.  Please.  Get this chick and her family some help already.  Real help.  Not MTV Dr. Drew fake-tan help.

 Kailyn

Oh, gurl.  You got played.

I’m watching Fiddler on the Roof and I wish to high heaven I could work it into this recap, but these girls never had a Tevye to protest over their choice of husband, nor could they even relate to being forced to leave their homes at the edge of a world war.  Rehab and/or jail do not count, because these chicks are just gonna roll home to their ill-spent MTV cash and never look back on the bonds of family or the importance of tradition.

Kail confesses to her friend, whom we will naturally call Megan, that she cheated.  The Megan (Too Handmaid’s Tale?  Eh.  Too bad. ) pretends to be shocked, I guess she’s basing that on Kail and Jo’s bickering, ugly relationship from when they were together.  Well, Megs doesn’t have enough ex-boyfriends to know that exes hook up.  A lot.  Just check my phonerecord from Valentine’s Day on the number of exes who texted.  Sorry boys, Sunni Badger don’t give a shit (this week)!

She hopes Jordan can understand, but honey, that’s delusional.  Kail is an old soul.  Jordan, not so much.  He’s gonna be mad and full of testosterone, no doubt.

We get a cute scene of her studying and chillin’ with Isaac, but we cut right away to Jo and Jr.  And this, my friends, is where things get so messed up.  Jo tells Jr that he and Kail hooked up, and that he’s not sure what he’s going to do.  They discuss that it would be good for Isaac to have his parents together, but not if it means they’ll be fighting all the time like they used to.  Things are working with them as friends, they’re doing well being on their own.  He doesn’t want to get back together.  Boom chickie boom, y’all.  Whether he didn’t talk to her about why he wanted to make out, or whether he did it as a dick move to get back at her, or heck, even if he did it because he thought he may have had a fleeting moment of wanting to be together, it’s a dick move.  He’s old enough to have known better.  He tries so hard to be the way Janet and Eddie expect a young man to be, but Homie failed on this one and he failed hard.

I don’t want to be in a relationship with anybody right now.  If Gary Shirley can get laid from Teen Mom, imagine how many girls I can get???

Over at Casa de Kail, Jordan comes in and makes himself comfortable… that is, until Kail spills about boning her ex.  Now, I’m sure there are people who are all, “Kail is a dumb bitch and deserves to be alone!”  ”How could she expect Jordan to see things her way and take where she’s coming from into account?”  Here’s the thing: Kail needs to get off the dong and embrace the ladies.  Here’s why:  She had this whole fight with Jordan, and she expected him to be a girl in his response.  She gave him a complicated argument and expected a discussion.

She got, “Eff you, you cheated.  Bye.”  She’s trying to get him to see that she is new to all of this, that there’s always going to be a bond with Jo, but that she totally screwed up laying boundaries the first time that bond got tested.  She’s saying that she thinks Jordan could back off and consider this inside-out but kind of true argument she’s presenting him with, but that will never happen.  She’s fighting chick-style, and he’s a dude.  She would be so much happier if she would switch teams already.  C’mon, Kail!  Isaac would thrive with two mommies!

Sure enough, when she breaks down the fight to her girlfriend later, the Megan totally gets what Kail was saying.  It’s not that what she did was right, but Kail wanted to be told, “You screwed up, now let’s work on why and talk about that part, because it’s the important part, the part that predicts if it will happen again.”  She will not get that from Jordan.

She also admits that she wants to be with Jo, but when Jo comes over to her place for some IsaacTime,  he lays it out and he lays it out cold.  He’s not there to settle down.  He was over Kail.  He’s just living his life, falling into any rando snatch that happens along in his path, not looking for a girlfriend.

A little part of him wanted to get back at her, or see if he could derail her.  Well, okay, I made that up.  She’s in tears now, and I can’t tell if it’s because she’s sad, or if it’s because she wants to chop his head off and then tell him to GTFO.  Which she kind of can’t do, because of the whole ‘we have to successfully co-parent’ thing.   It sucks.  She doesn’t ask him why he wanted to hook up with her, but if this was me or any number of my friends, he would have a screaming nightmare demanding to know why, alllll up in his mug and scaring the crap out of him.

I wish Kail had turned into this on Jo.

Saddness abounds though, she just got played by the one dude in her life with whom she has to deal FOREVER.

Chelsea

As usual, we open with the Adam Report.  I have a friend who is really into America’s Top 40 reruns, with Casey Kasem, and his station of choice for this every weekend is in Brandon, South Dakota on Suuny Radio, Where It’s Always in The 80s.  He loves to hear the weather report.  I bet if they wanted to, they could give Chelsea a spot for the Adam Report.

It’s been a month since she’s talked to him, and in that month she… well… um… there was that…. no… huh.  She wrote a check, for one.  For two, she took the first practice test for the first part of the GED.  Where I’m going here is that she has done nothing.  I’m so shocked.

She’s hanging with her mom, and she is going to take the real first test for the GED in a couple of days, but in the meantime she is getting all kinds of praise from her mom for passing a practice test.  Like that’s, you know, a big deal.  You passed a practice test.  Keep going.  Also, her mom wants to go to a car show in town because she wants to find a man.  Well, that apple didn’t fall far from the tree, now did it?  They’re both sure Adam will be there which makes me absolutely unsure of what her mother is thinking.  But it does confirm what we’re probably all starting to realize, which is that Chelsea got her mom’s side of the brains genes.

Y’all, $100 says that Chelsea or her mom commissioned this portrait, either way everything makes so much sense after this episode!  

At the car show, it’s dusk and the light is really pretty.  Oh wait, we’re supposed to be watching Chelsea here.  Well, her mom finds a friend pretty quickly, and Chelsea spots Adam from afar, complete with sensitive, dramatic music.  Blergh.  She freaks a little and has to go walk off on her own.  Her mom follows her and asks her if she’s feeling sad.  Did her mother think that this would be like some kind of 1970s immersion therapy?  Chelsea wallows in how much she loves him.  Him.  As a person.  I relive getting dumped out of about 3 embarrassing relationships of my own.  But I love hiiiiiiiim; I know he treats me like crap and I don’t want to get back with him (yes you do), but I love HIM.  Oh, brother.  Gross.

She’d probably better off with that middle-aged man who appears to have brought his mother to the car show than she is with Adam.

It’s a new dusk, and Chelsea’s checking the mail where she finds her GED results.  The good news?  She passed the first test!  The bad news?  She is creepy tan.  She’s passed the basketball colored stage, and has progressed into the football colored stage.  Of course she calls Randee, and of course he’s way too proud of her for passing the first of the five GED subtests that she needs to finish this thing.  I wonder when exactly it was that Randy gave up.  He is so indulgent, it’s hard to watch sometimes.

On a new day, Chelsea’s hanging with her mother/enabler again.  She’s agreed, at some point, to let Adam’s parents keep Aubree for a couple of days and is expecting Adam’s mom to come get the baby.  Instead, Adam calls to tell her he’s going to be picking up Aubree.  Why?  He’s in town and it’s easier.  Uh, for you.  It’s easier for you, but it’s harder for Chelsea and you know it.  Instead of agreeing that Chelsea should take off and let her mom hand off Aubree, Chelsea and her mom rachet up the drama and excitement.

Her mom sort of says that she shouldn’t backslide, but she sure doesn’t get up and make any moves toward trying to prevent the spiral of shame from re-engaging.  Chelsea’s all, ‘my heart is almost healed… but not quite,” and her mom is all, “don’t let it unheal,” or whatever.  But ugh, her mom doesn’t offer a single solution to help this sister out.  She feeds the dramz, and it is clear why Chelsea gets so spun on Adam.  I knew this was learned behavior, I knew it.  I can only imagine how truly bad the divorce from Randy was.

Chelsea gets ready, which I guess involves throwing on a scarf and making her hair as Cousin It’y as possible.  I wonder if Cousin It was also so tan.  Once she’s got fourteen layers of makeup on, and a few layers of baggy unflattering clothing she’s ready and, oh!  great timing!  Adam’s here!  He and his Deirks Bentley shirt freak Aubree out, so natch he says to Chelsea, “What’d you do to her?”  He also sits down with Chelsea and turns on his gross sex eyes.  I hate this kid.  I hate him, and Dr. Drew is going to let him clean off the hook.  His sex eyes talk her into going over to his house, ostensibly because he wants to talk and they can talk in the car on the way there.  Instead of doing the smart thing and saying, “Tell me what you want to say,” right there, she practically runs to his truck and validates this abusive, isolating punk’s control over her.

I’m not wrong here.  Chelsea does this to her hair, on purpose.  Cousin.  It.

In the car, rolling through the country, she asks him what he wants to talk about.  She’s flirting, he’s being evasive and smarmy.  They’re friends.  He wants to be friends.  What would you call Friend With Benefits To Be Emotionally Abusive?  FWB2BEA?  Chelsea is beaming.  I am face-planted on my laptop, and I hit it so hard, I may have chipped a tooth.  Holler Aneesa!

Later on, she’s back with her mom and saying how they’re friends when Adam calls to ask her to go for a ride on his bike.  As friends.  Her mom chastises her, but it’s too late moms.  You missed your chance to help Chelsea lay some boundaries.   Tellingly, Chelsea tells her mom that she’s got no room to judge, thereby further confirming my suspicions about where Chelsea learned this crap.

Adam shows up, and off they go into yet another South Dakota summer dusk.  It is so pretty, I honestly do love these shots of evening in Chelsea’s segments.  MTV… yes.  The shots of the WEATHER are better than the actual people in this storyline.  Take note, already!

Neither of them are wearing helmets, but it’s probably okay in this case since they’re both already brain-damaged.  What more could really happen here… I mean, let’s be honest.  A head injury may actually help either or both of these two.

Leah

Leah hasn’t had any contact with Corey in over a week, and so he hasn’t seen the girls in over a week.  His dad calls to see how he’s doing on his own, and he’s predictably lonely.  He breaks the news that she filed for divorce, and his dad reminds him that even if she’s a freaky lunachick, she’s still the babies’ mother.  He wraps up with his dad, and goes inside.  In the movies, a gratuitous shot of someone’s wedding ring is a tell of infidelity.  Here, we get a massive gratuitous wedding ring shot, but it’s too late MTV.  That’s not a tell.  We know.  And it was Leah who cheated, so wrong ring, Editing Kidlets.

Meanwhile, Leah is getting a spa pedicure with her bestie, Kayla.  She spent all of her money, excepting her large tanning/nails fund, on the LAW-yer, so her parents are dropping $3K on her trailer.  While she’s getting the kinks rubbed out of her tooties, she gets a text from “My Hubby” (now that’s more like it, editors) asking if he can see the girls.  She replies that he’ll have to go through the attorneys.  Bitch move.  I get it, but still.

Later on with her mom, she says it was weird to tell him that, but her mom says it’s the right thing to do that Leah should refer everything to the attorneys right now, because they know the rules about how these things shake out.  I guess, but it still sucks.  Divorce.  How sad.  She’s physically and emotionally drained, but her friend Kayla is going to live with her and the girls in the new trailer.  Ironically, the wedding pictures have arrived.  They’ve only been married six months, after all.  Sadly, we don’t get to see the happy pictures of an excited little family locking things down, in cammo-themed love and hope.  What we do see is Leah breaking down, hard.

She’s got some major pathos somewhere.  Check it out: Leah loves attention, and she is not one to be single for longer than 20 minutes or so.  But she sped to this divorce, and it doesn’t add up for her to be this upset.  Her 3-2-1 kaboom on her marriage is befuddling, because unless he made some egregiously terrible affront toward her or their marriage, it doesn’t make sense.  Women usually try to drag things out.  We’re territorial.  I just can’t see why a girl like Leah, who thrives on and seems to need a lot of attention from a guy, I can’t see why she would run to the finish line of her first marriage.  She doesn’t roll single, ever, so it makes no sense to me.

The next day I guess, she and Kayla go to look at the trailer where they’ll live, in the fine tradition of Chelsea and Daddy Megan.  After they’re done taking it in, Amy from Leah’s LAW-yer’s office calls with visitation information.  The plan is that Leah will bring the girls to the law office, where Corey’s dad will pick them up.  Then, the next day, Leah can pick them back up from her old dumpy love nest and also sort out her belongings with Corey.  She notes that it’s weird to have the attorney’s telling them how things will go.  She also removes her rings and reflects a little bit; unlike Corey, she’s not ready to take them off just yet.

The next day, it’s time for the hand-off, and Leah carries both the girls up some stairs and into her former in-laws arms.  She’s sad to leave them, and this scene is sad.  Everyone is so happy to see the girls, but for our little tangerine, there’s just more sobbing when Corey and his family take off with the kids.  Get used to it, Sis.  You picked it.

She hangs with her sister later, and explains how she’s lonely, how she doesn’t want to share.  It really shook her to hand off the kids, and to see Corey.  She’s okay when she doesn’t see him (take note, already Chelsea)  (and Chelsea’s mom).  Leah gets a little hung up trying to wrap her little pumpkin-colored head around the fact that this isn’t just a break up with a high school boyfriend, or the end of a fun fling.  This is a marriage.  This is a divorce, and the end of a marriage.  I’m sure she doesn’t know it yet, but I’m sure there will be many more for her, so she may want to get used to thinking about things this way.

The other Twitter Campaign the needs to happen here is to get a stint at rehab for Leah’s stray tan addiction.

It’s the next day, and time to go get the girls and deal with moving out of Corey’s house for real.  All the Dudes are gathered in the yard waiting.  It’s so tense.  They’re splitting things up, like toys and appliances.  He wants the microwave but the rest of it is an exercise in passive-aggression.  She asks about the washer and dryer, which one does he want.  He mumbles out that it doesn’t matter, so she says she wants the washer.  In response, he acts like she gave the wrong answer so she asks him which he wants, and he’s still a pissy little kid about it.  Dude’s angry and sad and disappointed but he doesn’t tell her any of that.  Instead he pisses around and makes her feel like a jerk for not being able to read his mind.  Maybe that’s the dynamic of their relationship?  That would be so impossible to live with.  I could never do it.

The place is starting to empty out, and the dudes have left with the truck.  Leah gets hit again with the grief of her marriage ending and breaks down hard again.  I believe it, too.  I totally buy it that she cheated before her wedding, and honestly, I’ve been to bachelorette parties, and I have heard on great authority about bachelor parties where things get awfully cheaty.  It’s not right, not at all.  But.  It’s before the marriage.  One party I went to, and I am not exaggerating at all, the male strippers were excorts and there was a lot of… activity.  Truth: The bride’s grandmother banged one of the strippers.  Tucson, y’all.  There was more, it was weird, but it happens and I’m tempted to believe that the lines are ultra fuzzy for a reasonable portion of the population right before marriage.

Bachelorette party invite.  

I have never been married, so no, I don’t know but… I know that marriage is a serious thing that needs attention, confidence, and communication.  I get it that Leah figured that out only after she got married, and I don’t think that’s unusal for someone who’s really young.  But, to be fair, this wasn’t the first time she cheated, so it’s not an excuse and sure, there is a pattern developing with her.

She wants to be left alone, but Lee won’t leave her like that by herself to wait in the car while Corey gets the kids.  She is rounding the corner toward hysterical, but stays on just this side of it.  She’s really wasting a ton of eyeliner in this episode.  Divorce is spendy, and she may want to start thinking ahead on whether or not she’s just going to cry off her racoon-chic mascara before she spends the hour and a hlaf it must take her to apply thirteen coats so flawlessly.  When Corey gets back with the girls, it’s heartbreaking to hear Leah’s voice trying to crack out of her tears.  Lee drives them away, and we’re left with Corey in an empty, dark house to cry it out for himself.

I, meanwhile, am also crying.  I’m crying tears of joy that this infernal season is over!!!!  See you for the reunion shows!

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I'm Sunni Sideup, and I grew up in Southern Illinois nowhere near Chicago, and you know what Matt Paxton from 'Hoarders said about girls from So Ill?  "I wouldn't mess with a girl from Southern Illinois; they'll knock your teeth out."  Now I live in Tucson, Arizona and this town is my jam.  I love it.

I have no professional writing experience, but I was the Managing Editor of an All-American high school newspaper about a billion years ago.  Luckily, when you're recapping MTV shows, the jokes write themselves.      

28 Comments

  1. 1
    Buffy
    Posted February 18, 2012 at 7:56 am

    All I know is Jo played me and that is one calculated little summa…

  2. 2
    Posted February 18, 2012 at 9:33 am

    I haven’t bothered to watch the past two episodes because a. they’re so damn long, b. we pretty much already know what happens, and c. your recaps are very thorough so there’s no need to watch. so thanks for hanging in there for this boring season.

    Side note: The break-up conversation between Kail and Jordan was actually recreated. It took place after they were already broken up. (source: http://starcasm.net/archives/144177). There’s also a tidbit in there about Jo and Kail’s conversation, that it was pretty much the summation of a bunch of talks they had about their situation. IMO they shouldn’t be together, and I’m glad Kail and Jordan aren’t together either. He was definitely too immature for her.

    As for Jenelle.. she just never emotionally developed, I don’t think. I had a discussion with my boyfriend’s step-mom about how drug users are developmentally suspended to a certain extent. So although she may be 19 or 20, mentally she’s like a 14- or 15-year old. She definitely needs medication and therapy. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if she is indeed bipolar. I have a cousin who is bipolar, and when he doesn’t take his medication, it’s not good.

  3. 3
    Liz
    Posted February 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Ugh, I kind of hate all the teen moms right now, I won’t lie. Chelsea can’t like herself enough to realize that Adam is hurting her, and thus being with him is a very bad call. Jenelle seems to think it’s cool that her life revolves around only weed and Kieffer. And Kailyn and Leah are trying to play victim for things they did.

    Don’t get me wrong, I fully understand where Kailyn is coming from, and the whole bond with Jo and seeing the whole family together when he’s spending time with Isaac and all of that. But she doesn’t seem to be owning up to the fact that she and Jordan agreed to be exclusive and she violated that. I dunno, to me it was like she was telling Jordan, “well, I wanna be with you, but you just have to live with the fact that every now and then I might hook up with Jo and you just gotta be okay with that because we have a bond.” Or at least, that’s how it came off to me. If she wanted to be with Jo she should have discussed that with Jordan first, not after.

    And Sunni I totally agree with you about Leah rushing into divorce! Except I think she’s just young. I think she figured Corey was going to so she just went ahead and did it to “be in the driver’s seat” or whatever the lawyer said. And I think once she went there both her and Corey were too hurt and proud to talk it out and decide if that’s really what they wanted, because she felt wronged that he was going to and he felt wronged that she did (and that she cheated).

  4. 4
    Lopezgirl
    Posted February 18, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    Kail never should have thought that because her and Jo hooked up once that either it was going to bring them closer together. Or that Jordan was going to be cool with it…… Then you have to remember that she is a teenager. Sigh….. I do feel badly for her because she doesn’t know how to express love. Prolly because it was never properly expressed to her. Except through Janet. I felt bad for Jordan. He really got played!
    Leah. I wish I felt worse for her. I just don’t. I myself am going through a divorce. And I know it’s not say. But girl you brought this on yourself. You cheated a week before your wedding. Then say some BS about how u bought everything would be different after you guys got married????? Come on girl. Own up to it

  5. 5
    indcolts1813
    Posted February 18, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    Corey and Leah just make me sad. I think they love each other and they want their kids to have a family, but they are both too selfish and impulsive to actually make that happen. They, Leah especially, just rush from one thing to the next, never stopping to think about the consequences of their actions. They rushed into (unprotected) sex, into a relationship, into a break up, into a reconciliation, into a marriage, into a divorce. Even the whole “house” (I refuse to call a trailer a house) situation was rushed. Seriously Leah, you couldn’t wait a week? Maybe Corey wanted to buy an actual house, not a cheap, unsafe, temporary trailer. It is beyond me how these two couldn’t live in an actual decent house with the money they make from this show. Although I do think that they have horrible money-management skills. And why was Leah so quick to file for divorce? I think Corey was just trying to let her know he took what she did seriously, I don’t think he would have actually filed. Anyways, they just rush in and out of things like children when the reality is that they aren’t children – they are adults with two children that need them to act like adults. Don’t think they won’t get remarried at some point.

  6. 6
    FlippyFloppy
    Posted February 18, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    I am so disappointed in Kailyn this ep. She was the one that had the most sense. I believe that she honestly wants to get back with Jo and he totally played her. They had shower sex. Shower. Sex. Its not like they were making out on the couch and a dry hump turned in to something more. When you have shower sex with someone, its deliberate and time consuming enough that Kailyn would have had tons of opportunities to think about Jordan and put the kibosh on the act. OR, maybe more importantly, stop Jo and say, “Hey, while the water is warming up and we’re disrobing, where is this going? Do you still have feelings for me, or is this revenge sex of some sort?” But, then I remember she is a teenager and I do feel bad for her and do think that the whole thing was orchestrated by Jo to screw up her relationship with Jordan. I’m sure he made her think that there was a possibility that they would get back together and be a family, and then dismissed it as if it were nothing once the deed was done. He’s such an ass. She shouldn’t be wirth Jordan though, either. Call it collateral damage and move on.

  7. 7
    jane
    Posted February 18, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Kailyn – I KNEW IT! I knew Jo was going to play her. It just did not make sense with him going ballistic about support for Isaac and then on a dime being lovey-dovey with the visits during the week and dropping the fight for money. I knew he was going to try to eff her up. What better way then to sabotage the one support she does have, Jordan. I know Jordan wasn’t too popular on these boards, but I liked him. He is a young guy and to take on someone that already has a kid and issues with her own family let alone the baby daddy and his family? I think it speaks positively to his character. To her character what she did with Jo? Not so much.

  8. 8
    Buffy
    Posted February 19, 2012 at 12:06 am

    Jenelle truly baffles me. I realize that some people think marijuana should be legal, but it’s not. And to hear Jenelle talk about smoking weed so bluntly (no pun intended) to ANYONE and EVERYONE that will listen ON CAMERA just blows my mind. I can just picture her in handcuffs for a possession/probabtion violation charge telling the cop.: “yeah, well i have that weed you know, but i just have it so i can smoke it, you know, because i smoke weed everyday because, you know i get stressed…..”. and then
    “Judge, i don’t have a problem with weed, you know, i smoke weed every day, and you want me, you know, to quit, buuut you know, if you would let me smoke, you know, that would be good.”
    it kills me, it truly does.

  9. 9
    Buffy
    Posted February 19, 2012 at 12:38 am

    @Sunni, thanks for the great recap. I loved the forehead on the laptop comment. I really was bummed to see Chelsea make some progress only to be sucked back in to Adam’s scumbaggery. Ugh for real, i’m a pacifist but i really wanted to slap her mother for even mentioning the car show. ENABLER. and this is not just about a boy, it’s about this kid and her self esteem. I mean of course i don’t know the actual timeline, but if i take the shows version of this, then not obsessing over Adam has really allowed her to sort of blossom. Chelsea blossom, which is a minimal blossom, but a blossom nonetheless.

    Also with the Jo thing, i hate to assume the worst, but i believe i saw a glimmer of evil delight in his eyes when he was telling Kailyn that he didn’t want to be with her. So i find myself thinking that it was all part of his plan to get her back. I have an ex that pulled the same play on me, and i fell for it with Jo the same way i fell for it with her. so fool me once, shame on me , fool me twice, i wish Kail would have seen that one coming. But one thing i do know is she will be okay, and she will make sure that Isaac has a good relationship with his paternal family even though his daddy couldn’t keep it in his pants.

    Corey and Leah, it’s just said. I really want to go back in time and make Leah not cheat on Corey, but i can’t do that. And as much as i want Corey to forgive her and them get back together with no more cheating ever, i believe what we have here is a pattern. And there is someone out there that will treat him wonderfully and never cheat on him, but it doesn’t look like Leah can be that person.Corey would be a fool to take her back and not expect her to cheat again. Not saying that she would, but he would be a fool to think she wouldn’t, and that’s no a risk worth taking.

    Thanks for the great recap!

  10. 10
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 19, 2012 at 9:17 am

    My blank stare was in full effect for so much of these episode. Like, I’ve just reached a point where that’s all I can muster for these girls because I just do not understand how these people are living their lives.

    Kailyn has always been my pride and joy when it comes to Teen Mom 2. Even when Kailyn does something misguided, I can stand behind her in some shape or form. But I cannot believe her bullshit right now. To cheat on Jordan was effed up already, but then her discussion with him over it was something else. How could she be so blase in his face about the whole thing? She didn’t even try to get up and comfort him, ask him to stay and talk…she didn’t even seriously apologize. She was just all “well, put yourself in my position. He’s my baby daddy, and I have a bond with him”. Like wtf Kailyn. Seriously, wtf. That’s not how you treat someone you supposedly care about. That’s why people think she’s a mean bitch, because she does things like that.

    And I know those people at the treatment center were giving Janelle serious side-eye, because she was pretty much wasting their time. She didn’t really need to go to rehab. What Janelle needed was to go to a psychiatric facility, where the focus is specifically on diagnosing and treating mental health issues. Once her mental problems are cleared up, the drug use should go away. And why was she always by herself in the rehab center? Could she not make any friends, because I refuse to believe that she was the only patient in that place. .

  11. 11
    Posted February 19, 2012 at 10:42 am

    @chaosbutterfly – the kail/jordan break-up convo took place after they were already broken up. MTV had them stage it for the cameras, so that would explain her callous attitude.

  12. 12
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 19, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    ^ Well, then someone needs to give Jordan an Oscar. Or it’s clear that he cared for her more than she did him, because at least he could muster up some kind of emotion for the scene.

  13. 13
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted February 19, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    I have always found Kail’s affect very flat, regardless of the situation. She lights up around Isaac, but that is about it. I really think she does not know how to show emotion, or to feel it about anyone other than Isaac.

  14. 14
    Buffy
    Posted February 19, 2012 at 6:04 pm

    @S-Natch -agree totally. I remember one time with Jordan she actually looked happy and engaged. During this “relapse” with Jo she really showed a lot of emotion too, which is part of why I was so excited to think they were getting back together. But yea, in both seasons I can count two times where she expressed some type of emotion with someone other than Isaac

  15. 15
    Adelefig
    Posted February 19, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    I love how Janelle, when being interviewed on the plane taking her to rehab,seemed to have to remind herself to say she would miss Jace. I think she only gives lip service about him to stay on MTV. Already it’s ridiculous she is even still on this show. She isn’t even as close as a big sister to Jace. She has no maternal instinct and I feel sorry for him. All he ever hears and sees are Barbwa and Jenelle fighting and cussing to beat the band. Does anyone ever talk gently to him? Rock him or try to teach him? He always has this flat affect and I have never seen him laugh,smile or cry. He is ignored in a house full of crazy. Jenelle would disappear in a heartbeat with a “blunt” and her leech if she didn’t have to hang around to collect her MTV paycheck. As soon as her role in this show ends she will be gone…

  16. 16
    Toni
    Posted February 19, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    I guess I see the Jo and Kailyn thing differently. I feel bad for both of them. Jo wanted to get back with her and she didn’t want to, she wanted to do her. So why should Jo have to drop what he is doing and get back with her? I’m sure they didn’t talk about it before they had their shower sex, so why couldn’t it just be a romp in the sack. Does it suck? yes but is it just his fault no? He is a man-child and he has pride just like she is a woman-child and had pride and didn’t want to get back with him.

  17. 17
    ash1
    Posted February 20, 2012 at 9:56 am

    @chaosbutterfly – AGREE TOTALLY! Jenelle needs a psych facility, not rehab. She is not a drug addict, she is an unmedicated ill person. She’s like a diabetic walking around with not insulin perscription using whatever she can…MTV totally used ths as a “drug addiction” to look responsible (and probably to jump off into some new Dr. Drew show) No wonder Jenelle is still smoking in the previews for the reunion show, they never addressed her real issues. What a waste of a free trip to a posh rehab hotel for someone who could have really used it!

  18. 18
    Hlesczyn
    Posted February 20, 2012 at 10:02 am

    just on Whitney – I’m 34 and I remember being a kid listening to How Will I Know – rewinding that song over and over on my purple “jambox” as I roller skated up and down on the patio for hours on end every day during the summer – such great memories, tempered by such sadness

  19. 19
    Cupcake623
    Posted February 20, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Oh please Kailyn and Jo did a stupid thing that 80% of exes have done at one time or another, a percentage that probably increases when you have a baby. It baffles me how Jo is the villain in this. . . did they talk about getting back together or did she assume that shower sex meant they were getting back together. She got off on telling him and his family that she was moving on and out with Jordan so yeah maybe he felt a little good about turning her down but he didn’t orchestrate the whole slip-up to make her feel bad. You guys are beyond reaching.

  20. 20
    Buffy
    Posted February 20, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    @ash1 – while Jenelle clearly has sOme psych issues as well, she is absolutely a drug addict. And though she probably does need to be on some psychotropic medication, she also has to learn how to cope without drugs, and a rehab would teach her that. Even on all the proper medications life still happens. Many addicted have duel diagnosis and get clean then get on the necessary medications, and still go back to using.

  21. 21
    lopezgirl
    Posted February 21, 2012 at 7:38 am

    @cupcake – I agree 100%….. Plus Kail was flirting with him right in front of Jordan…Come on. its not fair to Blame Jo for this one…it was a hook up… Kail should have been thinking about her boyfriend and not saying look was good came from this….What???? What good came of this?

  22. 22
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted February 21, 2012 at 8:35 am

    @Hlesczyn…Jambox! thanks for bringing that one back. XO Classy

  23. 23
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 21, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    @Buffy, i don’t think Janelle is a drug addict though. She claims that she uses drugs to help her calm down because she’s so stressed out. The fact that she’s always stressed out but actually doesn’t have any responsibilities (doesn’t have school, doesn’t have work, doesn’t take care of her baby) and her general behavior and mannerisms indicates that she has some mental issues. Work those out and the imaginary stress should disappear. Ergo, she won’t need marijuana anymore, and should stop using it.
    It is possible though that she does have a physical dependence on weed, and if that’s the case, then yes, she does need rehab. But from what I can see, her addiction is in her head. It would have been a better use of everyone’s time to send her to a mental facility first, and then to see if she still needs rehab once the mental stuff is taken care of. At rehab, it looked like they gave her meds, talked to her every once in a while, and left her alone for the rest of the time, and she needs more than that. She needs to have intensive therapy to remodel how she sees the world, how she thinks about things, how she makes decisions…essentially she needs a new brain. Which is what a mental facility is there for. Rehab can do that too, but they focus more on the drug addiction side, and that’s not what Janelle’s priissue is.

    I think the rehab people knew that too. They probably knew she needed mental help as soon as Janelle said that the problem is the conditions of probation and not with her drug use.

  24. 24
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 21, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    *prissue = primary issue

    My bad.

  25. 25
    kthxbai
    Posted February 21, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    I don’t think they can even tell if Jenelle’s a drug addict unless they fix the batshit crazy first.

    If she got on the right medication and had real treatment where she learned coping skills and to be productive and then STILL felt like she had to be smoking or whatever all the time, that’s 1 thing.

    But if all she did was come home after a hard day and want to have a glass of wine or a joint and look at the sunset or a trashy TV show, it’d be kind of hypocritical for most people to say anything.

    Jo’s “reasons” for hooking up with Kail are the same as when she fell pregnant in the 1st place. She was there, and she didn’t push him off.

    He’s actually had a girlfriend named Vee for about a yr. Vee tweeted about Isaac and pissed Kail off so much she tweeted her back about it.

    Special Where Are They Now News Update Comment Part!

    Leah got attacked at the movies! Then the attacker’s 13 yr niece posted on Facebook about it.

    http://www.tmz.com/2012/02/21/teen-mom-2-leah-messer-jumped-attack/?adid=hero1

    Amber (from OG Teen Mom) has to go live in a halfway house, get a job, and can’t be on TV while she’s in either 1 of those places. So she might not get to be on season 4. (season 3′s already been taped)

    http://www.tmz.com/2012/02/17/amber-portwood-teen-mom-halfway-house/

  26. 26
    Buffy
    Posted February 22, 2012 at 2:34 am

    I’m a recovering addict and I’ve worked in a treatment center for the past 4 years. She I a drug addict. Most addicts use for the same reason jenelle does: to cope. She said not being able to smoke weed everyday is adding to her stress. She doesn’t know how to get through a day of no weed without freaking out.
    Rehabs do offer intensive therapy and focus on the root issues that got you to the point were you have become addicted to whatever you’re addicted to.

  27. 27
    Dtc
    Posted February 22, 2012 at 8:05 am

    I fail to see how Joe is the bad guy here too. Kail uses the excuse that they have a bond and that she’s a teenager blah, blah, blah. She stopped being a kid when she had one and she was sleeping with Joe when she first started seeing Jordan when she was living in Joe’s house. Another word for what Kail is would be triflin’. I think Jordan is a huge man child but I am glad he walked out of there like a man. It’s weird that she expected someone to just be ok with her cheating on them. If they made the agreement to be exclusive then she should honor that agreement.

    I can’t even talk about Jenelle. She gives me a headache and I think beyond any type of help except a psych ward.

    Chelsea is also a lost cause. She’ll end up like her mother still talking in that annoying baby voice and more tan. blah.

    I found it weird that Leah said everything should go through the lawyers. It felt like she was treating Corey as if he were a danger to the girls or that he would run off with them. I’ve always seen Corey as a caring and responsible father. You would think that they could’ve worked out the whole visitation thing between the two of them. I’m a child of divorce and because both of my parents managed to be civil to each other in a mature way for the sake of me and my brother we were always allowed to see whichever parent we wanted when we wanted. I think there was a formal visitation schedule set up but we never followed it. My ex-husband and I did the same thing. Our court order stated that the visitation schedule was the minimum that we should follow but more time with each parent was encouraged. It just seemed strange to me. Also, I can’t believe that Leah is moving in to that trailer thing. In a couple of months that trailer is going look as bad as the one she left. It wasn’t too far from it when she bought it. I saw picture of Corey’s new house (yes an actual house, not a trailer) and it’s really pretty. He posted pics of the room he was painting for his girls in his house. He seems happy and seems to have his stuff together so I think he’s fine. I foresee him making someone a good husband again. I foresee a string of divorces and breakups in Leah’s future.

  28. 28
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted February 22, 2012 at 10:29 am

    @Dtc – I TOTALLY agree about the visitation thins. I got the idea from the very beginning that Leah’s lawyer is enjoying being on TV and “relevant” waaaay too much. I have never heard of visitation going through the lawyer from the get-go unless one parent was trying to claim the other was dangerous or they were arguing over custody. I blame the lawyer here in taking advantage of a naive girl to get some publicity. Also, the way the railroaded Leah into filing for a divorce right then and there was despicable.

    I also agree with your crystal ball regarding Leah and Corey. She is a co-dependent mess.

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