I would like to remember the inimitable Whitney Houston. I’m not kidding. ’Saving All My Love,’ ‘How Will I Know,’ ‘Didn’t We Almost Have It All,’ all great songs, and if you tell me you never in your life sang ‘The Greatest Love of All’ or ‘I Will Always Love You’ alone in your car and/or shower, I would be seriously tempted to think you’re lying. There are sooooo many amazing jams she gave us. As a kid, it was Whitney, Madonna, and Janet (Miss Jackson if you’re nasty). Godspeed, Whitney.
And with that massive leading aside, we’re off to Teen Mom 2. The finale. Praise The Lord, even if it is nother 90 minute episode, PTL all the way. By my calculations, MTV wasted 10 hours of our lives, and had the editing been even a little bit better, it could have only wasted like, seven or eight hours we will never get back.
Jenelly-belly’s off to rehab. She lands in Long Beach, which is ironic given that the LBC is where Snoop and Warren G first started rolling blunts. The irony here is that Snoop, whom I freaking love, was part of the 1990s music scene that normalized weed for the mainstream. And rap music, but that’s a different essay. She’s really headed to Malibu, because despite that she’s a teenage dirtbag, she’s a lucky teenage dirtbag. She finally gets to rehab and when they go to search her bag, she tells them they’ll probably find a blunt wrapper. She also has to drug test and sure enough, she’s pos-i for THC.
She sits down with one of the staff and they talk about Jenelle’s addiction is marijuana. But even better is when she tells the doctor that her smoking grass is not a problem for her, that the only problem is that she’s not allowed to toke. Oh, well, then, sure – no problems whatsoever, Chief. Her logic is… well, let’s just say that there’s zero question that Jenelle has no Vulcan ancestry here. Her counselor says that she needs to learn some coping skills. My rat terrier could have pointed that out.
www.tmz.com does not miss a beat… and what I didn’t miss is how ludicrous it it for Jenelle to say ‘smart.’ Maybe she’s book smart, but she dropped out of college, so who the hell knows.
She sits down with the medical doctor at the facility, and she confesses that her drug of choice is ganja and also that she’s depressed. She likes to ignore her problems, and because she’s depressed, she smokes to be happy. Again with the logic fail. Pot’s a depressant. And another thing I’d like to mention is that potheads as hardcore as Jenelle know pot. They know every detail, every kush, thai, ditch, and hydroponic strain that there is. They know the right temperature. They know where their stash was grown and they know the effects of the drug on a clinical level. Hey, I watch a lot of Weeds, what can I say. Just kidding. I went to a tiny liberal arts college for undergrad. Make all the assumptions you want to. She isn’t applying any of her brains here at all, and there’s no way that A. The doctor wouldn’t point this out to her; B. She hadn’t heard it before. She doesn’t care about being depressed. She cares about how to deal with it.
She also tells the doctor that her brother is bi-polar and schizophrenic so the doctor gives her an initial assessment, which she proceeds to immediately fail. Pass. I dunno which it is when you’re being diagnosed with a serious mental condition. I’m not convinced she’s truly bi-polar, and I’m gonna get a large ration of shit for this that I probably will deserve, but I think that’s a hot diagnosis right now. In the 90s, it was depression. Anxiety got it’s day, and now we’ve moved on to bi-polar. I think Jenelle may be on a spectrum somewhere, but I think she’ll turn up schizophrenic in the next few years. We already know that she didn’t maintain taking care of herself, which of course isn’t to say that she’s NOT bi-polar, but I think there’s gonna be more to this in a few years for her. She’s honest about being irritable often, and to being violent. The doctor wants to observe her more, but he also wants to treat her for anxiety. Great. So she’s going from pot to Xanax before the real Slim Jenelly stands up.
There may be a comparison here. Eminem went to rehab for Ambien addiction AND they both love hoodies. If I was a yenta, I’d hook them up.
She’s taking her pills and working her program, but she’s restricted from her phone and from the Internet for two weeks and she’s getting really bored. Her caginesss tells me that Jenelle has no real interest in going deeper and figuring herself out. $100 bucks says she thinks a pill is going to cure her.
The counselor she’s working with asks her to give three words that describe her. Jenelle says, “Impulsive, smart, angry.” Now we want three words of qualities you want to have. ”Happy, more caring, affectionate.” That’s four words, but the counselor leaves it alone and moves on to point out that she thinks the Jenelle is in the midst of a weed craving. Whaaaat? A weed craving? More like she’s bored out of her mind and hasn’t connected to taking the stillness she’s offered at rehab to figure her ish out, is more like it. So yeah, she wants to smoke a doober.
Jenelle tears up a bit, now that the counselor has confirmed that Jenelle’s pot craving is legit. Jenelle spills about being bored, can’t not do nothin’ to do, or some other grammatical mess I can’t totally understand. Surely these experts are aware that Jenelle’s issue is coping, not smoking?
The counselor tells her that things will get better, and that’s when Jenelle lays it on us that she has smoked everyday for six years. That means since age thirteen, and I’m sorry, but that means that she has likely done irrevocable damage to her brain. As much as I am not at all even remotely against pot smoking, I just cannot believe that everyday pot use by a child whose brain is still developing has no long-term effect. It must. She may have a major behavioral health diagnosis, but she has literally broken her brain, too. Kids party, goodness knows I did. But everyday? From age 13, through a pregnancy, to age 19? There’s got to be damage, there has to be.
A more accurate image would be of scrambled eggs, because Jenelle passed up sunny-side up years ago.
Finally we hit the two week point, and Jenelle gets her phone back. Man. I wish I could toss the thing for two weeks, sometimes. Seriously, two weeks down with knee surgery may end up being a good thing. The pace of my life is ridonk lately. Forced downtime is starting to look attractive, even with the horrific circumstance of having a cadaver’s Achilles heel sewed into my knee as a new ACL. Man, I am going to be so pissed if I don’t wake up with psychic powers, or knowing Portuguese. It would be a true miracle since I had to look up even how to spell ‘Portuguese’ just now.
Jenelle gets her precious iPhone back, and finds a ton of texts and calls from Keiffer. She catches him for a quick convo on the subject of, “Are we getting our shitty relationship back on track, or what?” Jenelle does stay firm here, and says she needs to focus on herself so she needs space. He should be happy for her, but they are a codependent train wreck, so it’s no surprise he’s gonna try to hang on. Plus, he’s a user. Barb said it on camera. I believe it. I totally buy it that he was, at least in part, using her for her MTV cash and for camera time. Which, hello McFly? Now his coke charges discussed on national television, so you’d think he’d be kind of over the whole ‘I’m on TV! I’m on TV!’ trip.
Yep. You are on TV. And you look like a massive, dirt-bag loser. Good job!
She and her counselor sit down to call Barb and break the bi-polar news. Barb suspected as much, and honestly takes this way too much in stride for it to not be a recreation. Sorry. Plus, if you suspect, don’t you take her in somewhere? Although, in Barb’s defense, by the time it probably starting looking like more than teenage antagonism and arrogance, Barb was a 57 year old with an infant to raise.
Barb tells the counselor and Jenelle that she wants them to get along, and she wants Jenelle to be more involved with Jace. She goes on to say that Jace is more bonded to her than he is to Jenelle. Jenelle starts to get twitchy, and the counselor senses things are escalating. See, Candy Finnegan would have made sure that Barb got into The Betty Ford Family Center. Just sayin’. I hope someone is keeping track of how many balls MTV has dropped for this girl.
The counselor brings things back from the boiling point, and tells Barb that Jace is a really sensitive subject. Well yeah, it’s chicken and egg though. Did Barb take over and cuckhold Jenelle’s motherhood, or did Barb just do what a baby needs a good mother to do? Both? It’s a hard call. Jace needed to be cared for and Jenelle said all along that it was too hard, that she wanted her mom to do it. So Barb did do it, and Jenelle STILL didn’t get it even though she started giving lip service to caring for Jace. So Barb kept doing it and now Jace is more bonded to her than to Jenelle. Duh.
The counselor points out how much they really love each other, but they bond in their love through fighting. Jenelle thinks things are starting to calm down a bit but there’s a long way to go here.
Time passes, and America’s Favorite Delinquent is dropping clean, doing yoga, and generally feeling good. She’s got meds that are working and she has no craving for pot. She talks to the doctor, and he agrees she’s doing well. He does remind her, though, that while the meds are working, they will be far less effective if she drinks and/or smokes out. I dunno, I just can’t see Jenelle in the midst of a screaming fight with Barb, storming out of the house all, “LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOONE – I HAVE TO GO TO YOOOOOGA!”
Jenelle, all ready for post-tantrum yoga!
And so she leaves rehab. We can cover how she got home, and had presents for everyone, and Barb was happy to see her but still got a little preachy, and she kind of played with Jace a little… but we all know what happened subsequently for Jenelle. Rehab didn’t work out that well this first time. So MTV, no lie, fucking hire Candy Finnegan already. Can we start an email and Twitter campaign to get Candy involved here? Dr. Drew is too busy tanning and Tweeting to handle this with the attention, expertise, and time it needs. Please. Get this chick and her family some help already. Real help. Not MTV Dr. Drew fake-tan help.
Oh, gurl. You got played.
I’m watching Fiddler on the Roof and I wish to high heaven I could work it into this recap, but these girls never had a Tevye to protest over their choice of husband, nor could they even relate to being forced to leave their homes at the edge of a world war. Rehab and/or jail do not count, because these chicks are just gonna roll home to their ill-spent MTV cash and never look back on the bonds of family or the importance of tradition.
Kail confesses to her friend, whom we will naturally call Megan, that she cheated. The Megan (Too Handmaid’s Tale? Eh. Too bad. ) pretends to be shocked, I guess she’s basing that on Kail and Jo’s bickering, ugly relationship from when they were together. Well, Megs doesn’t have enough ex-boyfriends to know that exes hook up. A lot. Just check my phonerecord from Valentine’s Day on the number of exes who texted. Sorry boys, Sunni Badger don’t give a shit (this week)!
She hopes Jordan can understand, but honey, that’s delusional. Kail is an old soul. Jordan, not so much. He’s gonna be mad and full of testosterone, no doubt.
We get a cute scene of her studying and chillin’ with Isaac, but we cut right away to Jo and Jr. And this, my friends, is where things get so messed up. Jo tells Jr that he and Kail hooked up, and that he’s not sure what he’s going to do. They discuss that it would be good for Isaac to have his parents together, but not if it means they’ll be fighting all the time like they used to. Things are working with them as friends, they’re doing well being on their own. He doesn’t want to get back together. Boom chickie boom, y’all. Whether he didn’t talk to her about why he wanted to make out, or whether he did it as a dick move to get back at her, or heck, even if he did it because he thought he may have had a fleeting moment of wanting to be together, it’s a dick move. He’s old enough to have known better. He tries so hard to be the way Janet and Eddie expect a young man to be, but Homie failed on this one and he failed hard.
I don’t want to be in a relationship with anybody right now. If Gary Shirley can get laid from Teen Mom, imagine how many girls I can get???
Over at Casa de Kail, Jordan comes in and makes himself comfortable… that is, until Kail spills about boning her ex. Now, I’m sure there are people who are all, “Kail is a dumb bitch and deserves to be alone!” ”How could she expect Jordan to see things her way and take where she’s coming from into account?” Here’s the thing: Kail needs to get off the dong and embrace the ladies. Here’s why: She had this whole fight with Jordan, and she expected him to be a girl in his response. She gave him a complicated argument and expected a discussion.
She got, “Eff you, you cheated. Bye.” She’s trying to get him to see that she is new to all of this, that there’s always going to be a bond with Jo, but that she totally screwed up laying boundaries the first time that bond got tested. She’s saying that she thinks Jordan could back off and consider this inside-out but kind of true argument she’s presenting him with, but that will never happen. She’s fighting chick-style, and he’s a dude. She would be so much happier if she would switch teams already. C’mon, Kail! Isaac would thrive with two mommies!
Sure enough, when she breaks down the fight to her girlfriend later, the Megan totally gets what Kail was saying. It’s not that what she did was right, but Kail wanted to be told, “You screwed up, now let’s work on why and talk about that part, because it’s the important part, the part that predicts if it will happen again.” She will not get that from Jordan.
She also admits that she wants to be with Jo, but when Jo comes over to her place for some IsaacTime, he lays it out and he lays it out cold. He’s not there to settle down. He was over Kail. He’s just living his life, falling into any rando snatch that happens along in his path, not looking for a girlfriend.
A little part of him wanted to get back at her, or see if he could derail her. Well, okay, I made that up. She’s in tears now, and I can’t tell if it’s because she’s sad, or if it’s because she wants to chop his head off and then tell him to GTFO. Which she kind of can’t do, because of the whole ‘we have to successfully co-parent’ thing. It sucks. She doesn’t ask him why he wanted to hook up with her, but if this was me or any number of my friends, he would have a screaming nightmare demanding to know why, alllll up in his mug and scaring the crap out of him.
I wish Kail had turned into this on Jo.
Saddness abounds though, she just got played by the one dude in her life with whom she has to deal FOREVER.
As usual, we open with the Adam Report. I have a friend who is really into America’s Top 40 reruns, with Casey Kasem, and his station of choice for this every weekend is in Brandon, South Dakota on Suuny Radio, Where It’s Always in The 80s. He loves to hear the weather report. I bet if they wanted to, they could give Chelsea a spot for the Adam Report.
It’s been a month since she’s talked to him, and in that month she… well… um… there was that…. no… huh. She wrote a check, for one. For two, she took the first practice test for the first part of the GED. Where I’m going here is that she has done nothing. I’m so shocked.
She’s hanging with her mom, and she is going to take the real first test for the GED in a couple of days, but in the meantime she is getting all kinds of praise from her mom for passing a practice test. Like that’s, you know, a big deal. You passed a practice test. Keep going. Also, her mom wants to go to a car show in town because she wants to find a man. Well, that apple didn’t fall far from the tree, now did it? They’re both sure Adam will be there which makes me absolutely unsure of what her mother is thinking. But it does confirm what we’re probably all starting to realize, which is that Chelsea got her mom’s side of the brains genes.
Y’all, $100 says that Chelsea or her mom commissioned this portrait, either way everything makes so much sense after this episode!
At the car show, it’s dusk and the light is really pretty. Oh wait, we’re supposed to be watching Chelsea here. Well, her mom finds a friend pretty quickly, and Chelsea spots Adam from afar, complete with sensitive, dramatic music. Blergh. She freaks a little and has to go walk off on her own. Her mom follows her and asks her if she’s feeling sad. Did her mother think that this would be like some kind of 1970s immersion therapy? Chelsea wallows in how much she loves him. Him. As a person. I relive getting dumped out of about 3 embarrassing relationships of my own. But I love hiiiiiiiim; I know he treats me like crap and I don’t want to get back with him (yes you do), but I love HIM. Oh, brother. Gross.
She’d probably better off with that middle-aged man who appears to have brought his mother to the car show than she is with Adam.
It’s a new dusk, and Chelsea’s checking the mail where she finds her GED results. The good news? She passed the first test! The bad news? She is creepy tan. She’s passed the basketball colored stage, and has progressed into the football colored stage. Of course she calls Randee, and of course he’s way too proud of her for passing the first of the five GED subtests that she needs to finish this thing. I wonder when exactly it was that Randy gave up. He is so indulgent, it’s hard to watch sometimes.
On a new day, Chelsea’s hanging with her mother/enabler again. She’s agreed, at some point, to let Adam’s parents keep Aubree for a couple of days and is expecting Adam’s mom to come get the baby. Instead, Adam calls to tell her he’s going to be picking up Aubree. Why? He’s in town and it’s easier. Uh, for you. It’s easier for you, but it’s harder for Chelsea and you know it. Instead of agreeing that Chelsea should take off and let her mom hand off Aubree, Chelsea and her mom rachet up the drama and excitement.
Her mom sort of says that she shouldn’t backslide, but she sure doesn’t get up and make any moves toward trying to prevent the spiral of shame from re-engaging. Chelsea’s all, ‘my heart is almost healed… but not quite,” and her mom is all, “don’t let it unheal,” or whatever. But ugh, her mom doesn’t offer a single solution to help this sister out. She feeds the dramz, and it is clear why Chelsea gets so spun on Adam. I knew this was learned behavior, I knew it. I can only imagine how truly bad the divorce from Randy was.
Chelsea gets ready, which I guess involves throwing on a scarf and making her hair as Cousin It’y as possible. I wonder if Cousin It was also so tan. Once she’s got fourteen layers of makeup on, and a few layers of baggy unflattering clothing she’s ready and, oh! great timing! Adam’s here! He and his Deirks Bentley shirt freak Aubree out, so natch he says to Chelsea, “What’d you do to her?” He also sits down with Chelsea and turns on his gross sex eyes. I hate this kid. I hate him, and Dr. Drew is going to let him clean off the hook. His sex eyes talk her into going over to his house, ostensibly because he wants to talk and they can talk in the car on the way there. Instead of doing the smart thing and saying, “Tell me what you want to say,” right there, she practically runs to his truck and validates this abusive, isolating punk’s control over her.
I’m not wrong here. Chelsea does this to her hair, on purpose. Cousin. It.
In the car, rolling through the country, she asks him what he wants to talk about. She’s flirting, he’s being evasive and smarmy. They’re friends. He wants to be friends. What would you call Friend With Benefits To Be Emotionally Abusive? FWB2BEA? Chelsea is beaming. I am face-planted on my laptop, and I hit it so hard, I may have chipped a tooth. Holler Aneesa!
Later on, she’s back with her mom and saying how they’re friends when Adam calls to ask her to go for a ride on his bike. As friends. Her mom chastises her, but it’s too late moms. You missed your chance to help Chelsea lay some boundaries. Tellingly, Chelsea tells her mom that she’s got no room to judge, thereby further confirming my suspicions about where Chelsea learned this crap.
Adam shows up, and off they go into yet another South Dakota summer dusk. It is so pretty, I honestly do love these shots of evening in Chelsea’s segments. MTV… yes. The shots of the WEATHER are better than the actual people in this storyline. Take note, already!
Neither of them are wearing helmets, but it’s probably okay in this case since they’re both already brain-damaged. What more could really happen here… I mean, let’s be honest. A head injury may actually help either or both of these two.
Leah hasn’t had any contact with Corey in over a week, and so he hasn’t seen the girls in over a week. His dad calls to see how he’s doing on his own, and he’s predictably lonely. He breaks the news that she filed for divorce, and his dad reminds him that even if she’s a freaky lunachick, she’s still the babies’ mother. He wraps up with his dad, and goes inside. In the movies, a gratuitous shot of someone’s wedding ring is a tell of infidelity. Here, we get a massive gratuitous wedding ring shot, but it’s too late MTV. That’s not a tell. We know. And it was Leah who cheated, so wrong ring, Editing Kidlets.
Meanwhile, Leah is getting a spa pedicure with her bestie, Kayla. She spent all of her money, excepting her large tanning/nails fund, on the LAW-yer, so her parents are dropping $3K on her trailer. While she’s getting the kinks rubbed out of her tooties, she gets a text from “My Hubby” (now that’s more like it, editors) asking if he can see the girls. She replies that he’ll have to go through the attorneys. Bitch move. I get it, but still.
Later on with her mom, she says it was weird to tell him that, but her mom says it’s the right thing to do that Leah should refer everything to the attorneys right now, because they know the rules about how these things shake out. I guess, but it still sucks. Divorce. How sad. She’s physically and emotionally drained, but her friend Kayla is going to live with her and the girls in the new trailer. Ironically, the wedding pictures have arrived. They’ve only been married six months, after all. Sadly, we don’t get to see the happy pictures of an excited little family locking things down, in cammo-themed love and hope. What we do see is Leah breaking down, hard.
She’s got some major pathos somewhere. Check it out: Leah loves attention, and she is not one to be single for longer than 20 minutes or so. But she sped to this divorce, and it doesn’t add up for her to be this upset. Her 3-2-1 kaboom on her marriage is befuddling, because unless he made some egregiously terrible affront toward her or their marriage, it doesn’t make sense. Women usually try to drag things out. We’re territorial. I just can’t see why a girl like Leah, who thrives on and seems to need a lot of attention from a guy, I can’t see why she would run to the finish line of her first marriage. She doesn’t roll single, ever, so it makes no sense to me.
The next day I guess, she and Kayla go to look at the trailer where they’ll live, in the fine tradition of Chelsea and Daddy Megan. After they’re done taking it in, Amy from Leah’s LAW-yer’s office calls with visitation information. The plan is that Leah will bring the girls to the law office, where Corey’s dad will pick them up. Then, the next day, Leah can pick them back up from her old dumpy love nest and also sort out her belongings with Corey. She notes that it’s weird to have the attorney’s telling them how things will go. She also removes her rings and reflects a little bit; unlike Corey, she’s not ready to take them off just yet.
The next day, it’s time for the hand-off, and Leah carries both the girls up some stairs and into her former in-laws arms. She’s sad to leave them, and this scene is sad. Everyone is so happy to see the girls, but for our little tangerine, there’s just more sobbing when Corey and his family take off with the kids. Get used to it, Sis. You picked it.
She hangs with her sister later, and explains how she’s lonely, how she doesn’t want to share. It really shook her to hand off the kids, and to see Corey. She’s okay when she doesn’t see him (take note, already Chelsea) (and Chelsea’s mom). Leah gets a little hung up trying to wrap her little pumpkin-colored head around the fact that this isn’t just a break up with a high school boyfriend, or the end of a fun fling. This is a marriage. This is a divorce, and the end of a marriage. I’m sure she doesn’t know it yet, but I’m sure there will be many more for her, so she may want to get used to thinking about things this way.
The other Twitter Campaign the needs to happen here is to get a stint at rehab for Leah’s stray tan addiction.
It’s the next day, and time to go get the girls and deal with moving out of Corey’s house for real. All the Dudes are gathered in the yard waiting. It’s so tense. They’re splitting things up, like toys and appliances. He wants the microwave but the rest of it is an exercise in passive-aggression. She asks about the washer and dryer, which one does he want. He mumbles out that it doesn’t matter, so she says she wants the washer. In response, he acts like she gave the wrong answer so she asks him which he wants, and he’s still a pissy little kid about it. Dude’s angry and sad and disappointed but he doesn’t tell her any of that. Instead he pisses around and makes her feel like a jerk for not being able to read his mind. Maybe that’s the dynamic of their relationship? That would be so impossible to live with. I could never do it.
The place is starting to empty out, and the dudes have left with the truck. Leah gets hit again with the grief of her marriage ending and breaks down hard again. I believe it, too. I totally buy it that she cheated before her wedding, and honestly, I’ve been to bachelorette parties, and I have heard on great authority about bachelor parties where things get awfully cheaty. It’s not right, not at all. But. It’s before the marriage. One party I went to, and I am not exaggerating at all, the male strippers were excorts and there was a lot of… activity. Truth: The bride’s grandmother banged one of the strippers. Tucson, y’all. There was more, it was weird, but it happens and I’m tempted to believe that the lines are ultra fuzzy for a reasonable portion of the population right before marriage.
Bachelorette party invite.
I have never been married, so no, I don’t know but… I know that marriage is a serious thing that needs attention, confidence, and communication. I get it that Leah figured that out only after she got married, and I don’t think that’s unusal for someone who’s really young. But, to be fair, this wasn’t the first time she cheated, so it’s not an excuse and sure, there is a pattern developing with her.
She wants to be left alone, but Lee won’t leave her like that by herself to wait in the car while Corey gets the kids. She is rounding the corner toward hysterical, but stays on just this side of it. She’s really wasting a ton of eyeliner in this episode. Divorce is spendy, and she may want to start thinking ahead on whether or not she’s just going to cry off her racoon-chic mascara before she spends the hour and a hlaf it must take her to apply thirteen coats so flawlessly. When Corey gets back with the girls, it’s heartbreaking to hear Leah’s voice trying to crack out of her tears. Lee drives them away, and we’re left with Corey in an empty, dark house to cry it out for himself.
I, meanwhile, am also crying. I’m crying tears of joy that this infernal season is over!!!! See you for the reunion shows!
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