Yep. There’s no looking back on the lack of a Minicap this week, and by the way, apologies! It’s that weird week between Christmas and New Years when schedules are kind of off… it’s the grown up version of spring break, only we spend more money and pass out after two glasses of wine. There’s, more importantly, no looking back on MTV’s decision to press the big red button and drop an Overt Product Integration Bomb on us. I’ve never thought about Mirena so much in my life, and I’m a chick. So that wall’s broken. From now on, it’s Truman Show level regression to when coffee brands become birth control choices, and housewives become teen moms.
There’s no looking back on a real human being color variation that occurs in nature for Leah. Her hair is blonder than blond, her skin is as orange as Maci’s, and her she must go through mascara bi-monthly. And you know what? It’s so oddly working. She doesn’t look fake yet. I can’t explain it. That basketball orange really does make her eyes pop, I will say that.
She’s working a lot in the dental office, even though we always see her taking days off which, she just so happens to be doing the next day. The money’s good, because they do have the bills you can imagine that come with twins…. and there is no way she’s giving up her eye liner budget. No. Way. Mister.
It happens to be time to go get Ali’s MRI results and Corey can’t go with her, ostensibly because he’s out of time off and has to work. He probably has a point here, but tough call. Leah is really disappointed, but again I’ll allow it. She’s 18 and she’s got to go find out if her child has brain damage. No judgement here. She heads to her mom’s house and asks her sister is she can go. Her sister has to study. Her mom has to work. They want to know why Corey can’t go with her, and even though she admits he has to work, she also says she thinks that he’s scared. She is assigning a super dramatic value to this, and who knows, really. Maybe Corey’s a wuss like that, but I kind of doubt it. I have a feeling he probably does work a lot. Plus, Leah’s really ratcheting up on the freak out here. She’s VERY serious about how her child’s life depends on the results of this MRI. Eh. Sort of. But Leah’s too young to have accepted that the first step is the hardest, but the steps that you can’t see yet will be worse, so you’ll definitely get through this first one. The MRI results are important, but it won’t tell them everything. Even if there’s nothing wrong with Ali’s brain, there is still developmental delay and it’s coming from somewhere. They still have to figure out where, which I’m guessing would become exhausting. Then again, I may be getting dramatic here. I love Mystery Diagnosis and all those disease of the week shows, as my friend Rachel calls them. Leah’s mom sets her straight and tells her to see if her mom can go with Leah. She also gives a litle corrective tug on the Mom Leash, and tells Leah that she’s strong enough to do this.
Her color of orange really works. I can’t explain it.
It wouldn’t be a day at Leah’s house if she didn’t do her Big Barbie Dream Hair, and she’s sure gonna get it right for the big MRI Results Day. She and Corey, who is notably not at work, are goodbying and good lucking and talking about BLTing for lunch. She confirms Grandma Sandra is going with her. Sandra is a woman of few words, or that camera is bugging the heck out of her. Stiffest grandma I think I’ve ever seen, right there! Off they go to drop Aleeah off with Corey’s family, and then on to Dr. Porter’s with Ali.
Leah’s Big Barbie Dream Hair is having a positively TERRIFIC day, on Ali’s MRI Results Day!
They sit down with the doctor and he lays it out that there’s a good and a bad. We start with the bad, which is that the optic nerve on the right side is small, and Ali’s sight in that eye will be affected no doubt. The left eye is fine though, and the big news? Her brain’s fine, too! It’s really, really good news. It’s not the end, since now they have to go to the geneticist and rule out any syndromes to make sure that there isn’t more to the story, but this baby girl’s brain is healthy! She so elated, and she calls Corey from the parking lot who seems to be again, not working? Can he talk on the phone at work like that? She admits she wanted him there, to Sandra. Sandra’s just so over this. I would love to know the story on her, man. She’s all, “Deal with it. Suck it up, and deal. This is nothing. He went to work. That’s good. He’s being responsible. His being here won’t change anything.” Sandra’s so ready to go she practically runs to the passenger side door when Leah closes the conversation.
I lost my first husband in Vietnam. I was 14. You’ll get through this.
Later on, she and Corey and the babies are playing together at home. I love these little scenes with them. I think I love that they play with their babies together and they’re really playing on with the babies. Chelsea and Adam are playing with each other. Jenelle and Barb are screaming at each other. Kail and Jo are arms length with each other. These guys? This is a family. Leah wants to take the moment and enjoy it, really soak in knowing that Ali’s brain is healthy bt Corey’s a lot more reserved. He knows that there are still all these steps, and they don’t have any way to know what they look like or how to climb them.
They are the anti-Chelsea and Adam. It’s so nice.
Chelsea is not a girl who will ever learn that all you need in life to be happy is an education, a good dog, and a loyal friend with benefits who is not part of your immediate social circle. Jenelle may get there someday, but not Cousin Ette. I mean, Chelsea. This is the day after surgery. Remember last week, with the surgery, and the Adam, and the fussy baby, and the Princess Chelsea whining? It was yesterday in show time. This is the next morning. And guess WHAT? Chelsea and Adam have already had a blow out fight and he’s already stormed off. They got back together for a measurable number of hours before it all exploded in her face. Let’s say surgery was at like, like, 11 am the day before. This is like, 10 am the next day. They lasted maaaaybe 23 hours before they got in a rager, and now Adam’s left with Aubree. He isn’t answering his phone.
Chelsea lies in bed on the phone with Randy, telling him how they got in a fight and he left to go get food, then failed to bring her any. In other words, he’s taking great care you there, Champ! Way to pick a winner! Her leg is gross, but it feels better than it did before surgery, even though it’s only been a few hours. She has to go to physical therapy later in the day, but since she can’t find Adam, she needs to find a ride. Randy tells her to call her sister, because he’s working. Ha! Randy is dropping the dime on Chelsea, finally! He’s making her marinate in these choices. I wonder if he went and did some therapy ala Tony Soprano on the down low? If so, bra-vo, Randy. This is gonna make a world of difference. This child is all-in. She needs to learn for herself already, or she will never learn. He can let it happen, because he’s literally got a higher IQ than Chelsea and Adam combined. So, no ride for you, Princess! Also, instant karma happens when she moves her body, and the water in her compression machine dumps out all over the bed! Ha again! But, true story, I wish I had one of those machines. Your legs would feel like heaven every single day. I’m bucket-listing that ish, pronto.
I know she’s lying down, but I offer you this rare photo of Chelsea actually doing something. She’s healing, y’all. That’s doing something, right? Right??
Emily comes to get Chelsea for PT, and she’s totally over talking about Adam. Chelsea’s voice gets louder and more dramatic as she tells the story again, but Emily is all ‘How is this a surprise.” Seriously. Gurl, please. They get to PT, and the assistant is asking her about her husband, and whether or not he’s helpful. Chelsea says he’s not her husband, but he’s sometimes helpful, and she has a one year old. The assistant is like, ‘You’re gonna need to call your parents and get straight on this.” Chelsea’s oddly not freaking out that Adam has Aubree and isn’t responding at all, but it makes sense now. She knows he has to have her. Chelsea has no choice in whether or not Adam is Aubree’s primary care-giver for a little bit, until it’s safe for Chelsea to have her and be able to keep up with her. She can’t care for Aubree, and on some level she must actually trust Adam. I sort of wonder about that. You know, maybe he was a really big dork in high school, and is that poser guy who used to be endearing and sweet, but who one day got drunk for the first time, and from there it was chain wallets and tattoos. Maybe he is all scrubby swagger because he’s determined to never be that dork again or whatever, and maybe Chelsea sees something in there that’s trust-worthy but dang, I can’t tell you for the life of me what it is. He’s a punk to the bone. But right now, she can’t even really demand that he bring the baby home because she can’t take care of Aubree.
Emily cleans up the place quite a bit, but even she has to go soon. Luckily, Adam texts Chelsea right then. Huh? Okay, show. She’d asked him if he still has Aubree, and he replies, “And I’m keeping her so shut up.” I don’t need to say a thing here, right? I mean, duh? Abusive punk. But Chelsea does not even see it a little bit. She wants him to come back so they can make it better. Chelsea’s talking to Emily about it again, and she says she’s annoyed that he’s such a huge loser. Emily’s internal monologue is, “Whhaaaaaaaaaattt?? Nooooooooo… stoooooooooooop!” and then she’s thinking about how cute puppies are, and how she hopes it’s still nice out when she gets home. Chelsea says she’s upset because he does dumb stuff like this, and then makes her look dumb. What she doesn’t even remotely see, even though it’s a big flashing billboard from every friend and relative she has, is that she looks dumb because she keeps going back to his making her look dumb. She lets him make her look dumb, chooses it even. She doesn’t get it at all; this is going to go on for so much longer. Ron and Sam longer, only sadder because of Aubree and because Sam has glimmers of getting it about Ron and her being a pretty volatile, uncomfortable energy together. Chelsea only sees…. her version of this. She only sees that her friends and family don’t know the real Adam, and she only sees that he’s trying but it will take time, or some other lame bull we all sometimes have to make up to find our way to reality again.
The exact moment when Chelsea’s sister Emily realized that her sister might have suffered a brain injury, because she is never going to be the same and it might be time to let go. Chelsea’s spun so hard over Adam, she’s not coming back any time soon.
Adam finally comes over, bringing home a grumpy baby. Aubree used to be so goofy and fun but ever since Adam is back in the picture, she’s crabby. Coincidence? I think not. Chelsea starts in on him immediately, and doesn’t open the discussion in a way that remotely conveys how she wants to make it better. Whoa. Which is it, Sis? She totally snaps at him and puts him on the defensive immediately. Everybody knows defense wins games, everyone except Chelsea, of course. He reminds her that she was an a-hole earlier in the day when she told him that he hates him. I’m sure she was responding to some crap he hit her with, but he’s a manipulative little punk so he has to make his disappearing act her fault. He has to make everything her fault. She was a bitch, so he had to act like a dick. Classic. Ladies, never fall for that, ever. He puts a crying Aubree down for a nap with the kind, comforting words, “Take a nap.”
Awww, Aubree… you’re so cute!! I feel TERRIBLE for her, but she’s still so cute! She won my tender heart this week when Adam just dumped her off for a nap. Rest easy, Aubree, Bad Dad left for awhile.
Chelsea had to have heard that. And yet, she asks him if he’s staying. Oh. My. God. I have a lot of girlfriends, and I’ve seen a lot of mooning over a jerk… been there a few times myself. But never, ever have I seen someone with as few instincts as Chelsea. She has none. She has no element of self-protection at all. Chelsea would not do well in a post-apocalyptic scenario, so if the Mayan calendar is correct, we may not need to sweat this much longer with her.
They are flirt-smizing all over each other even when they fight. It’s so exceedingly gross. I would literally rather watch The Rachel Zoe Project than have to see this more than twice. Fast effing forward, just trust me. If you’ve not seen the episode, just fast forward after Aubree goes down for a nap. Your stomach will thank me. He tells Chelsea that he wants to go help his buddy Shultz with a pick up truck. And he leaves. She says she’s realizing that they’re headed down different roads, but neither of these two are headed anywhere. There is no forward motion here, so they’re not at all on different roads. What they are, are two people who can’t just get along. They are clingy and manipulative and cheating and distrustful and jealous of one another. But they’re totally on the same road; neither of them has run the other off the road and caused a horrible car explosion. Yet.
She says that she knows this was a huge mistake, but Chelsea isn’t going to believe that until the third or fourth time she can’t pick up Aubree to get her out of the Pac-N-Play when she wakes up from her nap and has to call in emergency back-up.
I can confidently say that not one second of Kail’s segments seemed even remotely real. What is MTV thinking? Are they giving up? Am I the only one who felt this way – I’m open to that, I am! But seriously, her segments were all just so phony to me.
Para exampla: Her friend shows up for some good old fashioned girl talk. She says that she and Jordan are getting more serious, and she mentions that he and Isaac are really starting to bond, so naturally her friend asks her if she’s enjoying having sex. Huh? Non-sequitur much? Homegirl went from boyfriend/baby stories to sex talk. Just jump in the deep end there, don’t hold back hon! No need because after all, this is an expository set-up that could be on Friends if this was the 1990s and a comedy. And about people in their twenties who don’t have kids. And it was set in NYC. Never mind. You know what I mean here.
I’m finally on TV, and it’s because I’m willing to ask my friend if she’s enjoying having sex, and then I have to let her tell me all about today’s birth control options. I’m not sure how I feel about it, now that it’s really happening.
Kail says that she’s on the pill and Jordan wears condoms, but she forgets to take the pill a lot so she wants to do something that she doesn’t have to think much about. She feels like she’s six feet under everyone else starting out because of Isaac, and regardless of how worth it he is, she still has to double-time it to make her endgame work. So no more squishy babies at this time.
We check in with Jo, again for no apparent reason. These two must barely interact with one another, which actually Jo confirms for us. He’s hanging with his bro, Junior, in the kitchen, and talking about Kailyn. They are civil to one another, but they also never talk about each others’ lives. They keep that distance, and it’s working for them. He mentions Kail’s new apartment, and that he thinks it’s a positive step for Kail. They do have a good business relationship, I think. They keep things in check and it’s cold but it’s cool, as long as they’re not screaming at each other and Janet isn’t freaking me out with her awesomeness, I’m good. Janet is terrifying, and I love her for it. But only in super small doses, truth be told. We haven’t seen her, so I guess maybe we need to start a Janet Watch 2012. I’ll take the first shift. She’s probably waiting for us to screw up, and she’ll come from out of nowhere to school us HARD while enjoying a refreshing glass of pinot grigio. That’s why she’s scary. She will cut you, and she is as cool as a bird in a bath when she does it. Zoinks!
Hey Jo. How ya doin’? We hardly see you anymore. Well. That was cool. Okay. Later.
Kail shows up at Dr. Snatch, and omg, we’re going here. We’re in an after-school special sponsored by Mirena. We have an “I’m a young hip gyno dude!” who’s last gig was as an extra in Entourage, but way in the back. You wouldn’t have seen him because the club scene was really dark and focused on Ari Gold yelling at a doorman. He goes through the options for her and lights up when after she’s vetoed them all, he says, “Mirena.” And the heavens opened up, so you could totally hear and “ahhhhhhhhh” in the background. She says to him, “What’s Mirena,” and it is the WORST!!! She sounds like she was told to say it like she expects to be disappointed, so she can later be excited about how easy and available it is. He flat-out advertises it: We can put it in right now, it only takes a second! If you ever want it out, it’s a procedure that can be done right in the office, within minutes! It’s Mirena! It’s the best! Yay! Mirena! Kail decides to go for it, so out goes Isaac, into the stirrups go the feet (omg, that happened), and boom. The Mirena’s in and you’re free to fuck, pro-tected syle!
Kail’s inner monologue: I’m doing this for Isaac. I’m doing this for Isaac. I’m in stirrups with my uterus almost on display for a national viewing audience, and I’m doing it for Isaac. And also to help prevent teen pregnancy. Please don’t let them show anything below my boobs. Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
Later that evening, she and Jordan are eating dinner with Isaac, who is also this week’s Babies Do Gross Things Message. I don’t always remember to point it out, but in every episode, there is a seriously gross or awful Baby Moment. Last week, Aubree did not stop crying even one time. This week, Isaac is eating and spitting and it’s orange and frothy and just, ew! Ew. Thanks MTV. My mother is going to kill me if your ‘don’t get pregnant’ messages work on me.
She starts to have a sex talk with Jordan, telling him about the Mirena and it’s another shill. He’s so embarrassed that he makes Kyle’s signature eggplant complexion look washed out and pale. She’s telling him about how it gets inserted into the uterus and it lasts for five years, etc and Jordan is just sweaty. He’s purple and sweaty by the time she notices and asks him if he’s okay. She is driving a freaking bus through this scene, by the way. He’s a man-child, and she’s laying it down on him hard. I give it less than three years before Kailyn is either dating someone who’s 43, or she’s into girls because she’s so over man-children and open to love in all forms. You go, girl. She is far too smart for this crap from some kid; she’s gonna figure that out momentarily unlike Chelsea who may not ever get it in a lifetime.
She tells Jordan that it’s important to talk about sex and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, because everybody does it. He admits that neither of his parents had a sex talk with him, and he’s pretty inexperienced. She calls him out on who made the birth control decisions in his past relationships, and he basically says that he assumed his partner did. Kailyn’s mortified for him, now and so far ahead on this one that she doesn’t even remember not having to take sex seriously, and be okay with talking about it. Plus, she had a baby. A lot of people have seen her vajayjay in a very unsexy way. She’s over the self-consciousness over her lady business. It’s life. I like that about Kailyn. She’s disappointed in his lack of maturity, and it could be a big deal. She does need someone mature, ergo she needs a dude over 40, or a girl.
She’s not impressed with Jordan at the moment. She goes to visit with a friend and she’s upset a little at how poorly he took the conversation. They would think that he’d even be curious, like he’d want to know more about this magical invention called The Vagina since talking about the female reproductive system and specifically the one that most affects your life would seem to lead eventually to The Vagina. And although they don’t understand boys, and why boys are such dorks about sex talks, they totally get the important part, which is, “Is it weird that Jordan has never been interested in learning about the things that lead to getting laid.”
Sooner or later, she’s back at home looking at an organic cleaning product catalogue. Commendable, since she’s trying to make it as safe as possible for Isaac, but in reality it’s expensive. Can she really afford that, or is the crack starting to show with the money? Given the rest of her segments, I vote crack. Reality is getting harder to blur here, because now she’s making money from the show. Money she’s mostly being paid by Mirena, by the way.
Jordan comes over while Isaac’s taking a nap-time snooze, and he apologizes for reacting so uncomfortably over the discussion of birth control. He’s struggling with the apology though, and he’s still really embarrassed about all of this. His internal monologue is probably, “When can I get back to thinking about the Fliers?” He thanks her for taking on birth control, since Isaac is great but there should only be one of him. She recognizes that he really made an effort, and thanks him for it. It’s so important to discuss these things. She does ask why it was so hard, and he says that his parents never talked to him about it. Message #3 from Kailyn, sponsored by Mirena, is ‘Talk to your children about sex.’ She will be talking to Isaac, that’s for sure. It’s her job as a parent. Bam.
Jenelle’s been home for a week, but says that she’s doing well and focusing on school like she’s been home for a semester. It’s been a week. It’s not exactly enough time for judgement to be pronounced and trust earned back, now is it? She and Barb talk about how things we so fine until Keiffer came along. Barb see that he’s a manipulative person who’s using Jenelle. Barb wants him to go to jail because he’ll never change. Jenelle goes a little dead in the eye here, and I really think that Barb just goes on and on about things that are bad a lot. I think Jenelle hears her, but tunes out and it pisses Barb off, so Barb gets pinchier and pinchier. It’s a weird dynamic. Jenelle needs to leave the room when she shuts down. Be direct and honest.
A week at home doesn’t wear too badly on Jenelle.
Heeyyyy girl, heeeyyy, it’s your birthdaayyy! It’s Jenelle’s birthday! Barb and Jace come in to give her presents in the morning, and Barb must have a meeting because Gran is far more dressed up than we ever see her! She’s got a ton of blush, a cheeky cheetah shirt, and a wicked cackle warmed up for Jenelle. It’s as creepy as it sounds. Barb reminds Jenelle how great it’s been since she’s been home and not talking to Keiffer. Jenelle does look healthier, it’s true. Jenelle opens her first present, and it’s a can of Fix-a-Flat. Barb wails with laughter, but Jenelle’s confused because she just got new tires. The joke is totally over her head, but God bless Barb for this. Happy birthday! If you choose to live in your car, I hope you’re equipped properly to do so! It’s the Jenelle/Barb version of the time-honored tradition where a mother takes her young adult daughter out to show for furniture for her first house, or to register for her wedding. Barb’s mother-daughter grown-up ritual is celebrated with gifts for Jenelle’s future in her car to be safe! Her next present? Jumper cables. Well played, Barb. Well. Played.
Jenelle, now that you’re growing up, I thought I’d help you with your new place so I got you Fix-a-Flat, and Jumper Cables!
Jenelle’s home alone for some study time when she gets a message from Keiffer on Facebook. He wants to talk about things, and she’s obviously distracted from studying since this is serious. She calls him and he is armed for battle, he is armed to make her feel awful about filing charges. He tells her that she knows his life is so crazy, and he’s got all this crazy stuff going on in his head, so she didn’t have to take such drastic measures. They could have just worked it out, and now look what you did? You made it serious, you should feel bad for causing this drama. She holds firm though, and tells him that she wants him to change, and this is the only way she thinks she can get through to him. He doesn’t think doing time will help him, like he’s headed to the bricks at the Federal pen or something. This kid is going to County for 30 days, where he’ll keep to himself and angrily stew, and/or he’ll learn more about drug dealing so next time there’s a warrant, it’ll likely be for something felonious. I know Butch, and you son?… are no Butch.
Hilariously, and I mean I laughed right out loud, he asks her for a ride to jail. She’s reluctant about it, and I applaud that, too. She says she wants help him but she wants him to figure this out and it’s a real dilemma for her. She solves it by caving and going to pick him up so he can turn himself in. Ugh. She was thisclose to breaking out of this for a long while if not forever. But no. She caved. Come on, Jenelle! We’re all pullin’ for ya!
She hasn’t seen him in a week when she goes to pick him up, but she needs to see it through. Confirmed! I called it. She has to see this through, because she has had this fantasy for a long time and it’s gonna take a minute for her to let it go. She’s had this fantasy of someone loving her enough to make changes for her; she truly thinks Keiffer loves her. However messed up it is, it still is. It’s real to her, and it feels good to be loved. While she was opening her presents, her mother was saying how Jenelle was a cranky baby, and she should have known right then how hard things would be. Yeah, that’s really a knee-slapper mom. See, this girl wants to feel loved. She’s smart enough to know that Barb loves her and to get that there is something debased there, but over-riding that intellectualism is the whole teen aged passionate thing. She gets carried away trying to find what only she can create, which is to say, she has to love herself. It’s so 1970s, I know. I love it. I wish I was wearing bell bottoms right now, and Chelsea’s VW had a big peace sign painted on the back. So groovy, man.
Keiffer gets into the car, and he’s his usual cheerful self, which is about as cheerful as Morrissey on his birthday after getting laid and enjoying delicious, magical cake that can be eaten in large servings and has zero calories. So, still pretty much a downer. He tells Jenelle that he’s really mad at her because she knows that he never assaulted her. Good luck, Chuck. You just showed your hand. We’re smarter. You did assault her. The real hook here is that she assaulted you, too. Rookie. He reminds her how crazy his life is, and tells her it doesn’t have to come to this. He’s falling through the wet jungle trees, his hands are slipping off of every vine, and this kid is no Bear Grylls. Jenelle tries to explain that she’s not mad he dented her car – it can be fixed, she cares that he destroyed her property. Huh? I’m doing that a lot tonight. Huh? I can’t translate. I seriously am at a loss for words. Is that some code for Keiffer? Like, if she says meaningful things that are in direct contradiction with one another, is that how he understands things? She’s been so clear and direct up to now. I mean, relative to how clear and direct she will ever be anyway.
He wants to know if they’re broken up, and she doesn’t know. He’s worried that they’ll break off while inside, she knows that her entire support system worries that they won’t. Unlike Chelsea, I think Jenelle is working here. She’s not a passive participant. She is taking measures to make changes. Her expectations for this person are too high, but she’s working. He tells her it was wrong, but he doesn’t deserve jail and she knows it. He’s getting really desperate here, still working to get her to take the blame for his poor choices. He finally says that he doesn’t want any letters from her while he’s away. It will just hurt too much. What hurts too much is my stomach, watching this scene. He gives one last ditch effort try to get her to drop the charges by telling her that when she thinks of him and every time she wants him to be okay, she should remember to just think of him in jail and know that he’s not okay. Show of hands. Who gagged? *raises hand*
She does walk him into jail, and they wait until the officer is ready to buzz him in. He’s still saying that he doesn’t deserve jail. Their body language is intense, but ambiguous, too. They’re not facing each other, but they’re super relaxed. He gets waived to the door to get buzzed in, and gives her a very, very long last look. He says he loves her, and she doesn’t respond. Could it be that she’s seeing things differently now, that maybe she’s choosing Jace for once?
Jenelle almost might hopefully maybe stay strong in this, and finally send that hang dog surly jerk away from her for good now.
This season is pretty slow so far, except for the Keiffer/Jenelle stuff. I hope things pick up soon, because the babies are very cute but I know this show can do better, I just know it! Mostly because I see the US Weekly covers at the grocery store and Target. But come on, Show! as for you, Teen Mom Nation, be safe and have fun welcoming in 2012. May it be your best year so far! No looking back, y’all! Forward motion to 2012!