Worst case scenario: Sunni Sideup has a torn ACL and has to watch this train wreck show that even its network doesn’t give a crap about. The title says that this is the beginning of the end, but I’m convinced this show will never end. I’m totally open to the possibility that I died at some point in the last few months, I don’t know it yet, and I’m writing to you from purgatory.
I nominate Teen Mom 2, Season 2 for the Guinness Book of World Records in the category of Longest Season of Not Even Entertaining Mindless Entertainment. Way to go, MTV. Congrats on ruining more Tuesday nights than I can even count right now; then again, I can’t count too high because I’m focused mostly on not gnawing off my own leg. I totally understand why animals are always like, “Fug it. My paw hurts so bad that I shall now perform the act of chewing off my leg.”
I wonder if she has any idea that she’s the color of a tangelo and her hair looks really flat lately. Who cares, though, because working one day a week is really easy and she’s mostly excited that since Corey’s going to work in the mine, they get to move to a nicer place. They’re off to look at some land, and she’s super stoked about putting a trailer on it. It’s the West Virginia equivalent to ‘put a bird on it.’ Put a trailer on it.
Put. A. Bird. On. It. And a trailer of your own.
A little later on, after spending some time at her mom’s and checking online for trailers that are for sale, Leah’s a bit low energy from taking care of the girls all day. This scene takes place in that early evening time that makes everyone look really pretty, even those of us who have chosen to be the color of a brunch mimosa. Corey gets home from work and breaks it to Leah that he doesn’t want a new place just yet. He thinks they should stick it out a bit longer in the seriously crappy, depressing place where they currently live so they can save up some money. His point is that they always jump into things, which is true but a better point is that their house sucks and it’s far away from family. And then, he kills any point that he may have had by telling Leah that they need to hold off on the house, and he’s going to get a new truck. He tries to argue that his is in bad shape, and has a cracked tire but that hold no water here. For one, that truck is known and loved by the Teen Mom Nation. We see so much of it every week, we’d be confused if he got a new one. For two, fix the tire and get a house that’s livable for your teen wife and baby children. Leah is pissed. They made a decision as a married couple, and now he’s going back on it. Plus, she’s probably sick of having to wash that stupid chartreuse green shirt he wears 24/7. Dang, Leah is pissed. And she’s right.
You can have a new truck, or a wife, but not both. Choose wisely, Grasshopper.
They still aren’t really speaking but she’s got a girlfriend hanging out for the day. This is the part where MTV shows up just how craptacular their current place is right now. We get to see a gnarly spider that would send me crying and running for the Raid, we already know what the stained up outside of this love shack looks like, and now for the piece de resistance… the bathtub. Two babies. Babies grow, and can’t be bathed in the sink forever but where’s the bathtub, you might ask? Down a flight a rickety basement stairs. So it’s cold, and there isn’t even a faucet. I’m positive Ali and Aleeah are going to be so thrilled someday, to know that their humble beginnings were filmed and broadcast on a TV show that I would call popular, but that has sucked so hard this season I can’t imagine anyone still gives a rip. It’s bad, y’all. Leah has to run the shower to fill up the tub, but there’s not even a shower head… it’s like one step up from a prison bucket system for babies. Do babies go to jail? Probably not, but that’s a different TM2, and we’ll get to her later. Given the proof of what we already knew, which is that Leah and Corey’s place is dumpy, I’m getting mad with Leah, too.
I don’t think Calgon can take anyone away when the bathtub faucet is in the low-hanging ceiling of the mildewy basement.
Leah and her parents go to lunch, and I remain confused about Leah’s work/baby schedule. I feel like she does have a ton of help, but she also clearly does a ton of the baby work herself. I’m guessing that with two, it’s so much harder to just tuck them into your pocket and take them everywhere, all the time. We’d probably have a cow if this was any of the moms who have one baby, but Leah getting some Leah-time makes sense. She’s told her parents on Corey, and how it’s not fair that he changed his mind about a house, at least in part because he wants a new truck. She tells them that “All of a sudden we’re not on the same page.” Those babies are a year old, which means she and Corey have known each other for almost two years. I’d say it’s not so much ‘all of a sudden’ as it is the first grown-up fight they’re having where there are valid points on both sides. New truck disregarded, because that is not a valid point, waiting and saving is, if the house they’re in can be decent’fied. On the other hand, the house they’re in isn’t working for the primary care-giver who has to be in said house all the dang time, so he needs to trust her that she’s right and they need a new house.
Her step-father wisely advises that the man’s needs come last. LOL. I truly wonder what will happen when I get a chance to share this gem with my main squeeze. But, actually, he’s right. In this situation, Corey’s needs do come last. Leah is the one who is home with the kids and that home has to work for her and the babies. There’s not really much else to say about that, unless she was on board with waiting, or there was something in it for her like, oh I dunno, a new truck. Her step-dad fans out those dudely peacock feathers and tells her that they’ll help her get a trailer that is better for her and the babies’ needs, and he’ll start lookin’ immediately.
Leah’s step-dad is smart, and knows that if you wait long enough, you’ll get your chance. He’s probably been waiting for two years to be able to save the day.
Corey’s not going to be mountain high happy about this, and he’s not. She’s going to go look at some her parents found, and hopes he’ll go with her. He’s sacked on the couch like a beached Amber Portwood while she’s playing with the girls. The fight ensues, and it’s pretty awesome. Leah has done the math on this, and Corey isn’t going to win at anything but looking like an immature fool. They save money by being closer to family, and by not living in a house that’s falling apart and has tons of mildew in the basement. The basement, I might add where she has to give the girls their bathes every day, or however often babies get washed. Is it every day? I know you can go a few days without washing hair, but I’m not sure about babies. Dogs are like, once a month or if they roll in something dead. True story: I once found my dog and her dog buddy rolling around in a dead coyote while we were hiking.
Corey tries to front like Leah is wrong here, but she’s just not and she’s done her homework. She is handing him actual facts and figures instead of, “We can save money and I can get a new truck.” Hey Corey? You’re not getting a new truck and keeping your wife, son. I like this feisty Leah. More, please. I’d take her odds against Jenelle any day.
Speaking of someone who thinks she’s a brawler but who would get crushed if she was ever put in a position where she really had to fight. She likes to scream and flail, but I’m pretty Leah would knock her out in under a minute. Jenelle has moved out, and is living with her friend Tori now. Since she’s not at home to help with Jace, barb wants child support. Nice! She’s back with Keiffer, which is mind-blowing since, well, let’s all be happy that there’s no such thing as Smell-a-vision whenever Keiffer’s onscreen. Well, she’s back with him, but mainly so she can pick fights with him.
This fight is so dumb I can’t even follow it, which is seriously nothing new about recapping Jenelle and Keiffer. She is a sociopath, of that I am convinced. Nothing adds up with her, and try to parse out any reasonable flow in any conversation or especially argument. The show is edited to a fault, to the point where it’s getting unwatchable, but she makes no sense and methinks that’s got nothing to do with editing. Keiffer’s texting, Jenelle is harping and bitching that she knows it’s a girl and he should know that the only girls he’s allowed to text are her, and his mother. Keiffer makes it so much better by sticking around and arguing with her! And lying about it! He is really so good at handling Jenelle. I’m glad they’re together, because I just think he’s so good for her. He’s such a calming influence. Not.
How does Jenelle manage to remain dead-eyed even in the midst of a fight? Oh yeah – sociopath.
She has to meet up with Barbara at Social Services to go over the child support, and judgment is $30 per week going to Barb. In the car on the way home, she’s her usual perky self and demands that Barb turns off the windshield wipers. Because, you know, they’re annoying her. Nevermind the rain and the whole nuisance of safe driving in inclement weather. Princess Jenelle dismisses windshield wipers. Barb dares to defy the order, and things take a turn onto What the Shit Is Wrong With You Lane. It’s right there off of Leave Me Alone Ave. Jenelle wants to get him off her mind, but she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, and I always find that the best way to get something off your mind is to ignore distraction so you can focus even better. Not being able to get Keiffer off her mind and having to interact with another human being is really pissing her off. This is a girl who is pissed off by windshield wipers. See also: Change cups.
“Jenelle, don’t assault the windshield wipers, and pay up for your back child support.”
I’d be double dead if I acted like this to my mom. Dead once for the language, and then again for the attitude that defies explanation. When will she go to jail? Soon, I hope. And having been to jail, I am really hoping for a few things to be learned by Jenelle. $100 bucks says in five years, she’s married to a conservative Christian and raising two children, neither of which is Jace.
Jenelle needs a job, now that she’s paying some child support, but she’s too preoccupied with Keiffer to concentrate on anything else. So preoccupied, in fact, that now’s as good a time as any to pick a random fight with her honey-pie. Why not get back to the original issue for these two, Texting With Girls. Keiffer’s texting to an undisclosed individual in the 508 area code. Jenelle knows for positive it’s a girl and so of course there’s some screaming about it while they’re in the car. Not just screaming, but when he tells her it’s some dude from Facebook, she demands that he call the number. “Hi. This is Keiffer? I’m just calling right now because my psycho druggie girlfriend demanded that I do so. She likes to look like an idiot, so humor me here and say hello to her.”
He tries to get out of the car while it’s stopped, so she does the smart thing and floors it. I got out of a moving vehicle during a drag-out fight once. True story; the car was moving way slowly though, and I supposed shit like that is how I ended up with a shredded knee. She’s flying down the street at a high rate of speed, so he’s not going anywhere for a minute while she takes some time to yell at him. He tells her he doesn’t owe her anything, which is likely about as true as it is that Corey needs a new truck. She finally stops the car to switch gears from violent anger to less-so-but-still violent sadness. Seriously. Medicate her. Prozac. It’s not a bad thing. He gets out of the car and takes off, finally.
They look so happy as she guns it down the road with the intention of dropping him off in the middle of nowhere. No, really. That was her plan here. Also, they are totally blown out. At least Amber Portwood didn’t drive all strung out on the weed. It’s bad when you say, “At least Amber never …” anything.
She gets home and tells Tori that she feels like she’s spiraling out of control with Keiffer. No duh, Jenelle. She breaks down TextGate 1 2012, and speak of the devil, but Keiffer rolls in. Fight fight fight, it’s the Itchy and Scratchy show. Keiffer’s Itchy because it must get Itchy not showering like that; Jenelle’s Scratchy since for as often as she jumps people, I’m sure she doesn’t get a chance to keep her nails at a reasonable length for combat. “You want to fuck her? You want to marry her? You want to have kids with her????” I wish she’d yell, “Then have a picnic life, bitch!” Jenelle’s not even remotely as entertaining as Amber Portwood, though so all we get is Keiffer offering to show her the texts, and Jenelle throwing a bitch fit of crazy-talk babble about how she’s hurt and he should be comforting her. I don’t know about y’all, but when I am super angry with someone and have been screaming at him for hours, I totally expect that he should know to comfort me when I start crying. She’s a sociopath. Write it down. This will not end well.
Suffice it to say, the texts weren’t anything, and Keiffer baited her which is a dumb move considering that Jenelle is unstable and violent. She takes to her bed and continues her bitch-fit until she turns her focus on Tori who is a Twisted Sister and who is not gonna take it. Tori’s all don’t yell at me just because Keiffer’s not here to yell at and the escalation to violence is impressive. They start in on each other and maybe 17 seconds in, Jenelle is moving out. “I’m taking the couches!” “I have couches!” You can’t make that up, so thank you MTV, for catching what I can only assume is a rare moment in Jenel…. Wait. This isn’t rare at all. Thanks for showing it though, MTV. Maybe we can build a bridge here and I’ll let you back into my life in spite of how much you ruined this show with crappy editing and casting Chelsea.
They’re up and fighting about clothes now; Tori’s got some drumsticks in her hand and out of nowhere really, she totally goes all Tommy Lee on Jenelle! I love it! Girl fight! It gets even better though, because they’re brawling, and then the boyfriends throw down, and now there’s a big group fight happening. I’m finally not bored anymore! Yes!!!!!
For all the pot these kids smoke, they sure do fight a lot. Stoners are mellow couch-dwellers. I’m guessing blow here. This isn’t just weed; these people fight all the time but burners would hug it out and cheers each other with Pringles cans.
Our hero has been awarded $488 per month in child support but she’s not seen one thin dime from Jo. I would imagine that dropping off the baby is really good times right now, but it’s not like she’s the first teen mom on the planet to have had to deal with the icky part of co-parenting, and I’m not talking about how kids throw up, either. Jo’s decided to appeal the judgment and Kail gets a copy of the appeal in the mail. It’s basically citing three things: 1. He can’t afford the judgment; 2. He’s given a lot of financial support to Kail in the past; 3. Kail should put more effort into working. He lives at home, so chances are good that he can afford the judgment. It won’t be any fun, and it will cut into his weed budget, but he can afford it. He gave support to Kail while she was pregnant and when she lived with his family. This one seems to be an argument in Kail’s favor, actually. Now she doesn’t live with his family and so Isaac doesn’t get the same support that he used to get. Kail is working and going to school. It’s probably part-time on both fronts, but still. How much more effort can a girl give? Comparatively speaking, Kail’s awesome. And she got you on a show on MTV, Jo so seriously, quit being such a baby.
Checking the mail is so fun as a kid – birthday cards and letters from your camp friends but as an adult? Ugh. Bills and notifications of child support appeals.
She calls to talk to him about things but he’s reticent, and still insisting she should try harder. MTV money or not, this girl tries. I’m sure there’s more to it, I’m sure her smart-ass attitude isn’t great to be around; she’s kind of a sour puss. But. She tries. There’s no way to argue that she doesn’t. She asks him if he’s going to get a lawyer and he doesn’t answer but tells her she probably should. Smooth.
Jordan cruises over for a bit and she tells him everything. She’s not wanting to spend the money on an attorney if she doesn’t have to, but she gets smart like Farrah and gets one anyway. Cate Kollett, Esq to be exact and CK is rocking the Kate Gosselin hair! I thought that didn’t happen anymore, but I was r-o-n-g, wrong. Because it happens still, and it was happening on MTV last night during an all-new Teen Mom 2, that’s what’s up.
If MTV didn’t give us her name, I could have sworn that Kailyn’s lawyer was 2008 Kate Gosselin!!
Kail’s lawyer breaks it down that Isaac’s average costs are $768 per month of which Jo is responsible for 64% and Kail is responsible for 36%. Interesting. I guess it’s based on how much each person makes and the percentage of time for physical custody, but Cate Kollett, Esq doesn’t break it down for us because she probably has to go get the back of her hair trimmed up so it stays nice and spiky. She does tell us that Jo doesn’t have much ground with his arguments in the appeal, and she soothes Kail’s nerves a bit regarding what will go down in court. But not without a warning that Jo will probably try to enrage her. Honestly, Jo can pick and push as much as he wants to. What’s truly scary is that Janet will be staring you down while you’re on the stand. No blinking. No moving. Like a statue. Waiting.
Kail’s running out of people to be cool with when she drops off Isaac. Jo’s out, Janet’s out… who’s next??
She gets together with Jordan to break it down, since we didn’t just watch it happen or anything. The whole thing is pretty expensive, and she’s not looking forward to court. Which is pretty valid since I bet Janet won’t miss it for the world. She’s thinking that Jo will do anything to make it a lesser amount, and she tells us that if he wins, she’ll appeal. Great. Knowing what we now know about this show on MTV, from here on out all we will ever see of Kail and Jo is court dates and jerky phone calls to one another. I guess I’d be okay with that if they throw in some Janet now and then.
This is ridiculous, and inexcusable. Fire her. She’s trying to be cute and justify her hanging her emotional self-worth on an abusive boyfriend and what’s MTV doing? Spoon feeding it to us, ergo to girls half our age who don’t know any better that this is not cute. It is not okay to keep trying to force your asshole shaped baby-daddy into a heart shaped hole…. unless you’re on Teen Mom 2 and the network you’re on hasn’t given a rip about things like underlying message since the golden days of the first two Real World seasons.
She’s not been studying and she can’t think about starting her new job because she’s so upset about Adam dumping her for the 107th time. She’s talking to Randy and he’s over it. She’s talking to her friend and she’s over it. She’s not getting the sympathy she wants so she heads to her mom’s. “Adam stopped liking me.” This kind of comment is only cute when the fight is over. Chelsea is trying to be cute and she would be, but she used up all those credits a long time ago and homegirl needs to press reset on her love life. It’s hard to recap this because there’s just nothing to say. He stopped liking her when she got pregnant. My suspicion is that they hadn’t been together too long and she stopped being able to hang out and party while she was pregnant, so they would have broken up…. had she not been pregnant. I mean broken up for good, that is. He’d have knocked up a couple other girls and we could all have been spared Chelsea Houska.
Adam dumped me, and I’m not sure if I’m more upset about that or about how nobody really cares anymore that Adam dumped me.
She wants to know what she did wrong, but not even her mom is acknowledging, even when Chelsea tries to drama it up by saying that she got a family for 14 years but Aubree won’t even have that. Her mom tells her that it’s sad for now, but Chelsea will move on and Aubree will have a family for a very long time, just not with Adam. Which is best for everyone, because he’s an abusive punk. Well, okay, her mom didn’t say that, but I’m pretty sure it was implied.
First day of work, so Chelsea drops off Aubree with her mom and heads on over to Year Round Brown. The name of this place, oh my. It’s almost cute, but it makes me think of Code Brown, and if you’re in health care you’re picking up what I’m laying down here and it is really super gross. Her boss seems really cool, though so I remove my judgment hat, and also, it’s nice to see locally owned places instead of Mystic Tan or whatever. Chelsea learns to check in and greets Dawn, the first customer. She also asks if a lot of guys tan. Huh? She wants to go from Joe “Adam” Dirt to Pauly D? Well, I could see that. Her boss tells her that lots of guys tan, and Chelsea’s pretty happy to hear that since she just got the boot from her baby-daddy.
I find it hard to believe that this is a great spot to meet the sexy single men of Vermillion, SD.
She can’t get Adam off her mind, and I really don’t care. Sue me. She’s on her way home when Randy calls to ask about work. He gets about one sentence out of her about work and then it’s on to the usual punk-ass Adam conversation. Just move on. PLEASE. She’s still trying to get someone to tell her what she did wrong and okay, I’ll take this one Randy. Chelsea? You’re a Donna Doormat and no guy likes that. Also, you can’t have expectations of someone who is incapable of meeting those expectations. Adam turns you on but you know, and I know, and now all of America (and probably some Canadians) know that he is not a provider or even a responsible adult. He’s not funny, he’s not nice, he has no patience, he’s got no end-game, and he’s a jerk to you all the time. It doesn’t matter what you did wrong in his eyes. The only thing wrong now is trying to see this in his eyes. Randy’s right – move on. We don’t call him Randelicious in these parts for nothing, babe. He’s hot, and he knows that all your moping will not unfuck this situation.
Baby!! Cuteness abounds!!
Four more episodes, Teen Mom Nation. Four. More. Probably not gonna see what we all want to see, which is Tabitha Taking Over Teen Mom 2 and giving us an interesting show. How is it so hard? Teen Mom OG pretty much rules, but this second season of Teen Mom 2 is just air. Hair, yelling, and air. Tabitha Coffey would be perfect to upend this crap.
Oh! And speaking of tv – have you heard about Luck????? I spent hours with the old men in the horse racing zone of a casino off the strip last week, decided I’m going to learn how to play the ponies, and then this show comes along? I call that a sign of my future destiny to be a horse racing savant.
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