Teen Mom 2: The Saddest Monkey

Hey Guys!  I can’t believe it’s only Week 3 and this season is already so frigging good.  Previously…  Kailyn and Chelsea were total dumbshits, the former starting a new relationship and splashing it all over Facebook for the world (and her ex’s family) to read, and the latter because she went all giggleface over a shithead.  Again.  And in a surprise turn of events, Leah and JENELLE were deliciously smart cookies!  Leah attempted to put any drama between her and Corey behind for the sake of their daughter Ali’s health, and Jenelle swallowed her pride and went back to her mother because it was in the best interests of her son.

It’s like Jenelle and Kailyn switched bodies for a week…

In South Dakota, Chelsea’s dad is visiting and she’s trying to convince him that she’s a responsible human being who can take care of herself and a small child.  She obviously fails in some capacity because he hands her what looks like $200 for groceries.  Chelsea gratefully accepts, happy to see that her trademark Daddy’s Girl routine/ATM card still works.  She VOs that she’s very happy to have her dad’s support, which is why she can’t tell him that she’s been seeing Adam again.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure that along with not finishing high school, housecalls from Aubree’s trashbag father would fall under the “Shit That Will Get You Evicted” list Randy has in his head.

Love Randy.

Randy leaves and Adam pulls up, looking ever the upstanding father figure in a stunning ensemble of basketball shorts, hoodie and backwards baseball cap.  Damn, when I get old?

Chelsea, Adam and Aubree hang out and I’m sure it’s supposed to be cute, but it looks a lot like Chelsea trying to engage Aubree, and Adam lying on the floor, texting and poking at the tiny human next to him occasionally.  He does get pretty animated when Chelsea tries to get Aubree to say “Mama” and the kid will only say “Dada.”  I’ll be honest, I thought that was kinda funny, and totally inexplicable.

Maybe Aubree’s an evil genius…

Chelsea asks if it’s weird for Adam to help her with things like teaching Aubree to crawl, and he grunts no.  She’s glad – according to her, it’s what families do.  I’ll be really interested to see what Adam thinks families do…

And with that, we’re onto Leah, whose outdoor shots have me itching to go on vacation in West Virginia.  Ali has to wait two months for an MRI because she’s too young.  Leah’s stressed, but glad for the extra face time with Corey.  The two parents discuss what the ailment could be, but neither of them have the slightest idea.  Isn’t there a fucking doctor who has seen this shit before that could give them a few possible diagnoses?  I highly doubt that this baby is some kind of medical enigma or alien – surely there has to have been a case or two like hers in the medical lexicon.  Well, if there is, Leah and Corey haven’t been informed, nor have they ventured onto WebMD on their own.  Leah VOs that she tries to put on a happy face for Corey, but of course she’s genuinely worried.

Okay, commenters.  I know there has to be one of you out there who’s a medical professional or knows a medical professional, so your assignment this week is to give me some ideas for what could be wrong with Ali.  I need to know if this kid’s gonna walk STAT.

In North Carolina, Jenelle’s continuing on her streak of having her shit together by trying to find a job, babysitting for Jace, and getting ready to attend college in the fall.  She doesn’t have any immediate luck finding a job, and trying to use a laptop in the presence of an infant proves to be difficult.  She and Jace have their first (of many, I am certain) mother/son fight when Jace spitefully drops his bottle, forcing Cinderell -I’m sorry, Jenelle – to go pick it up.  She finally abandons her efforts and rocks Jace until he quiets down.  She VOs that with everything she’s trying to accomplish (job, college), her mother might be in a better position to take care of Jace.

Woe is us, Jace.  Woe is us.

Hey, who else do we know who is preparing to do the same thing but not giving up custody of her son?  Kailyn!  She’s still smarting from the fallout with the Riveras.  Jo has taken it upon himself to be more of an asshole than usual, ignoring Kailyn when she asks him for a baby wipe, and talking shit about her with his brother in the basement.  But you know what annoys me the most about Jo at this point?  The fact that he lives in this house:

With this kind of interior:

With these kinds of toys in a finished basement:

And he still tries to sound like he’s street.  When he was bitching to his brother Junior about Kailyn’s egregious betrayal, he referred to his home as his “crib.”  Jo?  Newsflash: You don’t live in a fucking crib.  You live in a nice home in the suburbs.  You are neither street, nor ghetto.  You are middle class.  Possibly upper-middle class.  Deal with it, or I swear, I will find you, stuff you into a van in the dead of night and drive you to Baltimore, so you can see what it’s really like to have a crack-baby momma and why bangers wear baggy pants.  Hint: it’s not so they have a place to carry their Powerade, you giant douche.

Incidentally, this is the first I’ve ever seen of Junior, and I can’t say I have much to say about him save he grunts and agrees with his brother a lot.  I think he’s older?

Kailyn VOs that Jo’s not the only one pissed at her, we sit down to another confrontation between her and the Riveras Sr.  Kailyn wants to resolve the issue, and Janet puts her foot down.  Kailyn either ends her relationship and focuses on Isaac, school and career, or she moves out.  It’s harsh, but I kind of agree with Janet.  She’s not coming from a place of personal insult, but disappointment.  I think she really cares about Kailyn, and was really astonished to see the girl do something that could be so self-destructive.

Or she’s just a crazy bitch and I misjudged her.  I hope it’s the former.  Commerical!

Jenelle’s playing with Jace, VOing that she’s seriously been considering signing over temporary custody of Jace to her mother.  I’d be more supportive of this idea if it didn’t seem like it was motivated by the fact that Jenelle’s got too much on her plate, and what she’s choosing to sacrifice is motherhood.  Anywho, she goes out to sit on the porch with Barbara, and the two discuss an arrangement.  Barbara is of course all full speed ahead about the whole thing, and commends her daughter on the good decision she’s made.  Jenelle admits that she feels more pressure now to step up to the plate so she can win back custody.  Barbara advises that her daughter needs to have a goal in mind, and Jenelle talks about her father, and how shitty it felt when he left.  She vows not to be that kind of parent, and she and Barbara hug.  That part actually made me really happy – as much as I can’t stand both of these women sometimes, it sucks to fight with your mom.

Especially when she’s the one who stuck around.

Back in South Dakota, Chelsea’s trying to finish high school by the end of summer, so she can start beauty school in the fall.  But of course, living with Megan, Aubree, and things that are shiny are distracting…  She and Megan wind up in bed talking (as they do A LOT.  I think my Megan predictions are becoming more and more likely with each episode…).   Chelsea keeps going back and forth about Adam and Megan keeps trying to delicately break it to her stupid, stupid friend that it’s a bad idea.  But then Chelsea pipes up with the only good reason she has to get back together with him, and it’s that if she and Adam can work it out, she should give it one more shot for Aubree’s sake.  She wants Aubree to have a family.  But, she says, if Adam is “mean” or says something about Aubree again, it’s over.  Chelsea, when it was to that degree, the word is not “mean.”  The word is “abusive,” or “psychotic,” or “fucking worthless.”  

This isn’t a fucking playground and calling a kid a mistake is not “mean.”  Especially when it made it onto television, so Aubree will be able to grow up and watch it.

Over in Adam’s corner of the Dakota, he’s checking a friend’s oil and talking about how much he wants to grow up and be a family man with Chelsea and Aubree.  His friend asks if it’ll be better this time around, and Adam believes it will be, because he’s ready to settle down and put his partying days behind him.  And oh, man, I want to believe him, but I don’t.  Not as far as I could throw my car.  Oh, I think he believes what he’s saying, but I don’t think this kid is capable in any way of making the sacrifices someone like Corey would.  Nor do I think Randy is going to come within a cunt hair of paying for Adam to live in that house with Chelsea, no matter how many times Chelsea e-mails him the “Papa Don’t Preach” video.

We return from commercial to Pennsylvania, and Kailyn’s trying to find a ride to her community college orientation.  All of her friends (and of course her mother) bail, and “Jo’s out of the question,” because he’s a DICK.   She’s forced to ask Junior, and the second thing I learn about him is that he’s a nice guy, because he totally takes her.

I think Junior takes after his mom.

At the orientation, Kailyn seems to have a good time, but it’s obvious she’s freaked out, and there are all these reminders that she’s going on this whole adventure alone – no friends, no boyfriends, and very few peers that will have a baby, too.  She changes Isaac in the bathroom and VOs that it’s going to be mighty hard to go to college, have a job and raise her son.  But guess what she’s not doing to solve that problem?  Giving away custody!

But Jenelle is.  She and her mother head to the courthouse, and Barbara assures her that giving up custody is the grown-up thing to do.  I mean, yes and no.  No Jenelle was not behaving in a proper way.  But had Barbara not sued for custody and threatened her daughter with a legal battle the girl could not afford, Jenelle wouldn’t have even though about how convenient it would be to give up custody.  Whatever.  Mr. Lapalucci (hard to type, fun to say!) is there, and goes over the particulars.  Jenelle can try to get full custody back at any time she feels she can prove she is a fit parent.  Both women nod in agreement, the papers are signed, and a chill goes down my back.  This just feels wrong…

And I think Jenelle agrees with me.

In West Virginia, we’re onto greener, happier and cuter pastures.  Leah’s been feeling really stressed about the girls, so she asks Corey to meet her for a night of bowling while his stepmom watches the twins.  They head to Galaxy Lanes, and it is so motherfucking cute I can’t take it.  She tells him he looks cute, he tells her she looks cute.  He tells her he’s gonna beat her a**, and she smokes him with a strike.  She grabs his arm to screw up his game, and he scores a spare after she tells him she believes in him and it’s so WONDERFUL I’M FUCKING CRYING IN MY HOUSE AT 2:30 IN THE MORNING WATCHING TWO TEENAGERS BOWL.

Fuck you, MTV.  Fuck you for making me feel.

Leah actually does kick Corey’s ass, but he doesn’t seem to mind.  On the way out of the Lanes, he strokes her hair and asks her to “take it to the next level.”  She giggles that of course she will, and asks him if this means they’re boyfriend and girlfriend.  He says yes, kisses the top of her head and it’s effing magical.

If you read my ABL, this is the point at which I “squeeeeeeeeeeeed like a bitch.”

Ugh, back in South Dakota, a far less satisfying couple is drawing closer and closer to reunification.  The more time Adam spends with Chelsea and Aubree, the more Chelsea’s feelings for him come back.  She oohs and aahs over Adam playing with Aubree, and confirms that he’s okay missing parties to stay at home with the family.  Adam assures her that he totally is, as Aubree adorably plays with his hat (oh man, it is so awesome when babies play with oversized caps).  Chelsea lays out a few more requirements that Adam blindly agrees to (no cheating, no jackassery, etc.), and it all seems like it’s going to work out…

Again, I hope so.  But I am far, FAR from convinced.

Chelsea claims that she’s not convinced either, and she won’t be telling anybody (including her father) about possibly getting back together with Adam until she’s certain he can be trusted.

In Pennsylvania, Kailyn regretfully VOs that she’s decided to break up with Jordan to avoid being kicked out of the Rivera household.  Oh man, I know she behaved like a dipshit last week, but I feel so bad for this girl.  She’s living in unfriendly territory, her friends are dumbasses, she’s got the weight of a baby, college and a job on her shoulders, and the one little thing that seemed fun in her life she has to give up because of poor timing.  I know there’s not much to be done, but it just sucks.

But then she goes and pisses me off again by going to Kim for advice.  Luckily, though, when Kailyn breaks it to her friend that the relationship with Jordan is over, Kim agrees that it’s a wise decision.  All right Sympathy for Kailyn.  You just bought yourself another day.

You too, Dumbass.

Now that Leah and Corey are back together, it’s time for her to tell her friends, and she’s nervous.  Why?  Have any of her friends watched Chelsea’s episode?  Do they honestly think wasn’t the best thing that could have possibly happened to Leah?  I guess so, because when Leah tells Kayla (remember her?  Yeah, the dumb one.), the girl rolls her mascara-caked eyes and calls Corey a douchebag.  Why, you ask?  While not less than two whole weeks ago, he was seen canoodling with another girl at Outback Steakhouse!  Okay, I don’t know if it was at Outback, but he was seen with another girl.  When HE AND LEAH WERE NOT TOGETHER.  Why do girls go nuts over shit like that?  I know it doesn’t feel good to have a guy you’re into hang out with someone else, but when you’re not together, guys take that shit literally.  That’s why Leah was very smart to establish that when Corey said he would like to take it to the next level, that meant they were boyfriend and girlfriend.  I’ve found that for the most part guys aren’t assholes, they just choose to be literal when it comes to exclusivity because that attitude will get them laid more.

Kayla’s dumb ass puts doubt in Leah’s mind saying that if Corey truly cared about Leah, he wouldn’t have been around with other girls… and stuff.  Luckily Leah doesn’t listen and tells her worthless friend that she loves Corey, loves her family and they’re going to work it out.  Commercial!

Phew.  Guess Cailyn’s not the only with a Kim in her life.

It’s back to Jenelle as she starts to understand the ramifications of her decision.  She and Amber sit on actual, bona fide lawn furniture and discuss Jenelle’s plan and what her rights are as a mother.  Jenelle keeps reiterating that she wants to go to college, get her life together and get her career going before attempting to regain custody of Jace.  Does anyone else pick up on the fact that that’s going to be like four years?  Just checking.  Amber wins the award this week for Smartest Friend when she cuts right to the chase asking how/when Jenelle can get Jace back.  Jenelle explains the bit about being able to fight for custody whenever she’d like, and then Amber bats it out of the park again by asking what will happen if Barbara decides to kick Jenelle out again, this time retaining custody.  Jenelle mutters that she doesn’t think that will happen as long as she follows her mother’s rules.

You have more faith in you and your mother’s emotional stability than I do, Jenelle.

Later that day, Barbara’s leaving and she gives Jenelle patronizingly simple instructions about when to give Jace Tylenol.  Jenelle VOs that even though Barbara has custody, she’s still Jace’s mother and wants to have a part in raising him.  But when she asks Barbara to leave Jace’s carseat so Jenelle’s friend can take them somewhere, Barbara seriously flips her shit.  She screams that Jenelle cannot take Jace anywhere alone if Jenelle tries to “pull that shit,” she’s out or something.  Uh, what?

Jenelle looks down and grumbles at her mother’s back as the older woman leaves.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m totally and completely on Jenelle’s team this episode.

And it’s back to Leah and Corey – I love how MTV is following up the excruciating and uncomfortable scenes between Jenelle and her mother with lovely, sweet scenes between Corey and Leah.  Leah VOs that she and Corey need to have a talk before they start their new relationship to make sure all the past is behind them.  Corey ADORABLY admits that he never stopped loving Leah, he just hid it for awhile because he didn’t trust her.  But now he does, after five months of making her prove it to him.  Okay, that part was kinda douchy, but I don’t know how else he would have resolved that.  He asks Leah if she trusts him, and she says that it’ll take some time, what with him being with other girls (WHEN THEY WERE NOT TOGETHER), and not coming to her graduation.  Corey sweetly (and unnecessarily) apologizes for that, and the two formally agree to put the past behind them and behave more maturely.  I say formally, because the agreement is sealed with Corey slapping his thighs and Leah jumping into his lap like this whole thing is a scene out of “Oklahoma.”

Squeed like a bitch here, too.

Ugh, back to a downer.  Kailyn’s heading over to her mother’s to pick up a… free car?  Holy shit, did Suzi just step up to the plate?  Kailyn VOs that her mother’s been feeling guilty about not taking Kailyn to orientation, so she’s giving away her old car.  I don’t really know what to do with this…

Good job?  Those words sound wrong pointed at you…

Kailyn’s happy about the car, but sad that she now has to sit in it to break up with Jordan.  Which she does, in the most awkward and short phone-breakup ever.  It goes a little like this:

Kailyn: I have to break up with you or I’m gonna get kicked out.

Jordan: Okay.

Kailyn: Bye.

But it’s still sad.  At least she’s got a car so she can drive to get ice cream with some her dumb friends under the pretext of them cheering her up.  Actually, this batch seems way smarter than the others.  When Kailyn complains that she doesn’t understand how it’s any of Janet and Eddie’s business if she dates someone without bringing them around the house, one of the girls pipes up that they’re just looking out for their son and grandson.  Which is probably true.  They also ask Kailyn if she’d be upset if Jo started dating someone else, and she hilariously says that at this point she kind of hopes he will.  She ends the conversation by reminding her friends and herself that even though she feels suffocated by the Riveras, they are the only family that has been there for her at all.  Commercial.

Pretty much.

In South Dakota, Megan and Chelsea are heading to Beauty School for Chelsea’s admissions consultation, which is not interesting.  What is interesting is that Adam is going to play babysitter for a day.  Chelsea gives him instructions to watch Aubree “good” and he grunts an affirmative while answering his phone (“Talk to me!”  Gross.) and playing X-Box.  Chelsea is understandably freaked out as she sets out baby food, a spoon and a bib for her dipshit baby daddy, and she and Megan head to the Stewart School.

You want to do hair?  Hmm… that’s interesting.  Who did yours?

The woman is super-friendly and positive until it comes time to collect Chelsea’s high school transcripts.  Which don’t fully exist at this point in time…  Chelsea delicately states that she still has some work to do, and Molly hardlines her big time telling Chelsea that she has exactly one month to graduate high school, or else she cannot register for the September class.  Okay, I know Chelsea of all people needs a kick in the pants, but it’s beauty school.  Are you telling me there’s no October/November/December class?

Whatever, the fear of God seems to have been put into Chelsea as she VOs that she’s been falling behind in her schoolwork.

Surprise, surprise!

In North Carolina, Jenelle’s found a job!  Yahoo!  Aw, I’m actually happy for her.  See what behaving like a normal human being will get you?  A job and just a little bit of my respect.  But it won’t get her shit of her mother’s.  She leaves work and VOs that the best part of having a job is having money to buy things for her and Jace.  When she comes home, Barbara immediately throws it in her face that Jenelle purchased more things for herself than she did for Jace.  I guess she got two things for herself – a dress and a $3 skirt that somehow provoked Barbara to tell her that she was spending too much money.  But when Jenelle shows her mother the dress, there’s a nice moment when Barbara tells Jenelle she looks pretty in dresses.  But then Jenelle mentions that she wants to wear the dress to the fireworks that night and would like to take Jace.  Barbara gits to yellin’ again that Jenelle can’t be alone with Jace and them’s the rules.

I’m with you, Girl.

I really feel like the whole Jenelle being forbidden to take her son places is frigging dumb.   Eventually she’s gonna be happy for the free babysitting, and you’re gonna be raising that kid.  Don’t you dare let her go away to college…

Oh, good, it’s time to go to West Virginia!  It’s 4th of July and Leah and Corey are headed to his uncle’s house with the twins for a barbeque.  As they get ready to go, they adorably get the kids together as a team, and Leah comments on how much easier it is to get Ali and Aleeyah together with another person to help.  Corey smiles and they head out.  At the barbeque, everyone’s happy to see the girls, and no one comments on Ali’s Misfortune.  After the couple has eaten, they ask their family if they wouldn’t mind watching the girls for the evening.  The answer is of course yes, and Leah and Corey head off to watch the fireworks.  Okay, MTV is laying it on really thick this episode, but I don’t give a flying flibbertigibbet.

Not a one.

Later that evening, Leah and Corey joyfully hit the fireworks when he reveals that he has a surprise for here – they’re going to watch the fireworks on a riverboat!  Leah and I squeal like little girls and then I squeal on my own when Corey reveals that his surprise was to signal their new start.  I’m going so frigging soft guys.  Do you know how many hick jokes I’ve let go by because these two kids are so frigging amazing?  Too many to count…

*sigh* back to South Dakota.  Chelsea and Megan leave the beauty school, both wondering if Adam managed to keep Aubree alive for the time they were away.  Chelsea straight up says she’ll knows that baby food’ll be sitting out, unopened when she gets home.  Megan agrees, but both their jaws drop when they pull up to the house to see Adam and his friends outside, Adam feeding Aubree the baby food.  Chelsea can barely speak, and Adam tells her that not only did he feed the baby, bottled the baby, he napped the baby and he changed the baby (she pissed everywhere.  His words, not mine.).  Chelsea sits on the lawn with Aubree and Adam lights a Roman candle on the sidewalk.  She VOs she thinks she and Adam just might be able to work.  Well, sure, now that he’s put in the tiniest of efforts.  

I want Corey to kick this guy’s ass.

In Pennsylvania, Kailyn’s having the worst 4th of July ever.  She’s stuck at Jo’s house hanging out with his cousin, whom I think might just feel bad for her.  She watches the fireworks sadly, and can’t even muster up a smile.

Aww, baby girl   You win the prize for saddest monkey this week.

Finally, to cap off our duo of depressing Independence Days, Jenelle drawls to Amber that she doesn’t understand why Barbara won’t let Jenelle take Jace anywhere alone, and even Amber thinks that’s weird.  Jenelle doesn’t think it has anything to do with the custody case, but more to do with Barbara being Barbara.  The fireworks start and she half-heartedly watches, having about as good a time as Kailyn I’ll bet.

Ta-ta for now, Ladies.  Let’s hope two of you feel better next week, one of you feels smarter, and one of you gets good news about her baby’s spine.