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Nerdia is away on vacation this week, and I jumped at the chance to take a look at Teen Mom. I’ve never seen it, but I know what it was like being fat in high school and sleeping with random football players to pass the time, so I figured I would be perfect for a sub. My first thought is wow. I need to watch MTV more often.
Gay teens! Stoner teens! Teens with really bad teeth and drips of snot coming out at random moments!
I’m excited and the show hasn’t even started. Was I ever that young? Were my teeth ever that…no. But I did have hair once, so I’m kinda relating. Previously on Teen Mom, lots of white trash moms who never should have had kids in the first place were mean to their kids who are having kids and shouldn’t be having kids in the first place. You know who should have kids? Rich people with super patient nannies. Otherwise? You’re ruining someone’s life.
Amber is feeling down “ever since I failed my GED practice test?” I have a feeling she got points off for putting question marks at the end of every answer.
I passed my SIT test with flying colors though?
Chunky guys. Wonder what you need to do to get a girlfriend? Learn to make pancakes. It’s seriously as simple as that.
It’s Amber’s birthday! Her one wish is to make it another night without being suffocated.
Not gonna happen.
Are you sometimes not sure if you should have had a baby? Just don’t strap it into its high chair and cross your fingers it will take a dive.
Some people might call this neglect. Others would call it playing the odds.
Amber gets a call from a friend wishing her happy bday. She says “you just get older from 18 on, man.” Deep. Amber says she feels thirty, like that’s a bad thing. Ah, youth. You might feel so tired because your fiance keeps feeding you triple decker butter sandwiches.
Amber’s gonna go dancing with her friends later, and fiance guys says that he’ll watch the kid. Um, thanks? Why are you acting like that’s such a huge favor? If I was Amber I would spend all day screaming “YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!” What’s the point of popping out a kid at sixteen if you can’t use it as a bargaining chip for the rest of your life? She complains that there’s too much butter on the pancakes. And then she feeds it to the kid.
It’s poison. Shut up and love it. Your heart will stop soon and I can stop listening to your fuckin whining.
Let’s see what a girl named Farrah is up to! She tells us that she gets no help from her parents so she’s stuck taking care of her own brat. This is the time for Farrah to learn that most of us hate our parents. But we still need money. So we FAKE IT! Put your pride away, say you’re sorry, and get money for a babysitter or something. She takes her kid to the doctor, and then goes to the County Prosecutor. Her mom has finished her counseling, paid her fine, and is all done. Uhoh. Drug counseling? Alcohol? I don’t know but it doesn’t sound good. Farrah is pretty defensive and doesn’t believe her mom is better so fast. The counselor tells her that if she wants her mom to have a relationship with her kid she’s gonna have to stop being so stubborn. What kind of counsellor would even suggest a relationship between a baby and a drug addict? If that’s what the mom is. I don’t know. If she is, though, bad counsellor. As if sensing I don’t know the problem here, MTV puts up a graphic to explain it to me very clearly.
Grandma has offensively low boobs.
Maci is our next girl. She tells us that she shares custody of her brat with her ex fiancee Ryan. Let’s see what he’s up to! Besides being hot.
Mom stop talking to me while I’m being hot for the cameras.
Rayn’s parents are hounding him to get in writing that Maci will share custody more along the fifty fifty lines. Ryan looks thrilled at this prospect.
Can we wait til the kid stops pooping in his pants? I really hate that.
It’s time to take the brat back to Maci, so Ryan goes into his bedroom to fetch his current girlfriend. What the fuck is wrong with these parents? Didn’t you learn anything the first time? Get that skank out of his bed! I know it’s not the fifties, but if your kid has a problem with sucking don’t hand him a box of lollipops.
This girlfriend chick is acting a little too motherly for my taste. Get your own mistake, wench! She gives Ryan shit in the car about hounding Maci for equal custody. He just drives and keeps sucking. Finally, he says that he doesn’t wanna argue with Maci. That sounds like perfect husband material. Look hot and don’t do anything to make me mad. In the end, he just asks for one more day. Maci says they’ll talk about it, but he’s not gonna be happy when he finds out she’s moving to Nashville.
Next up, let’s watch Catelynn’s friend Alexa try to get into a car!
Maybe Crisco her up a little.
Come on! You can do it!
OK now you’re cracking the windshield.
You did it! All we had to do was remove the back seat.
Now hold your breath until we get there.
Catelynn needs a dress for prom. The toilet in the girl’s room is the perfect place to drop her next kid. Where’s the best place to go for a classy dress? YES! Dress Barn! They have terrible security there. Alexa’s stealing all kinds of shit.
Take the mannequin out of your purse, Alexa.
Now let’s take a moment to check out a model of great parenting.
You look like a meth head. What’s your point MOM?!
Cate complains that she’s a nine now and before she got knocked up she was a size three! Her mom says “that’s what happens when you have kids.” Alexa smiles politely and tries to find a quiet moment to slip some more melted butter into Cate’s milkshake.
Cate finds a red dress she likes, but her meth head mom just snarks about how ugly it is like a fucking three year old. This is my problem with social services and most government beauracracies: THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING. If that agency was worth a damn they would have taken Cate away years ago and put the mom down like a horse with a broken ankle.
There should be a bottle of glue with your name on it, skank.
Catelynn starts crying. AW! Witch mom rolls her eyes, licks her brown teeth, and plops down on a couch to send someone a text with a stylus. WTF? She snarks a little more, then stamps her feet and storms off with a “I’m sick of this shit.” Thanks for giving mom her excuse of the day to indulge in meth, Cate! Cate tells Alexa that her mom is so evil because she’s mad Cate is putting her kid up for adoption. Well Cate you’re almost old enough to be on your own and who is she supposed to abuse now? You selfish brat!
Farrah? Has no help. And she’s exhausted! Does she say that like ten times a week? Cuz it’s already number four for this episode. Her friend Kristina comes over to help get piss stains off the couch.
Can we just burn this?
Parents: plastic furniture. Otherwise you will just resent your children and sit around in piss. Kristina asks about the mom situation, and Farrah says that there’s no way her mom is just suddenly better and if she goes to counseling with her it will only be to get to the bottom of why her own kid has a green disease on her face.
Let’s talk about the gene pool and then I want you outta my life for good.
Maci goes to her friend’s job to complain about the whole Ryan wanting equal custody thing. The friend is super supportive as she listens to Maci go on about what a loser Ryan is. Meanwhile, tables are without food. Stupid Maci. People are hungry!
I didn’t punch out or anything. Uhhuh. I’m listening. Damn I forgot to marry the ketchup bottles. Uhuh mmhmmm Ryan. Dammit I need to cut lemons and roll silver or I’m never getting out of this dump.
Maci works and goes to school and doesn’t have much time for the baby, and this is somehow an argument against Ryan getting more time with him. Ryan doesn’t even seem that excited about it. I think this is a battle between the grandparents. Who gets more time with the kid? Maci’s mom or Ryan’s parents? The conversation moves to Nashville. How can you just up and move when you’re sharing custody? Maci says that Ryan has to pay less child support the fewer days she has with the brat. So if he took him off your hands an extra day he would have to pay more? First off, how does that make sense and second, why is that a problem? Get rid of the kid for an extra day and get some shopping money. I know the situation’s not ideal, but the kid was made out of hot guy sperm and there’s no getting away from it.
Catelynn got her prom dress and now they have to go find her fiance a tux. She tells us that shopping’s hell with her mom, who’s been in a shitty mood since Butch went to rehab. This show couldn’t be more white trash if it was set in a Cracker Barrel.
Meth Mom shouts at poor Alexa and then screams that “you’re both fuckin rude!” She keeps shouting about what ignorant bitches the kids are. Why are people so afraid of suicide? If you’re that miserable just fucking JUMP ALREADY. What a bitch.
Dear God, please stop handing out ovaries like party favors. Love, Flipit
Meth Mom calls Cate bitch a few times and tells her fuck you over and over again. She drops her off to meet her boyfriend and it’s not hard to see why Cate is dating a fifth grader.
My childhood’s ruined. Can I cling to yours?
She complains to him about how she was so angry with her mom she could have punched her. Well, someone should. Poor Alexa just looks like she wants a new friend. Finally, Alexa says that Meth Mom is just jealous because of how happy Cate is after giving up her kid. Alexa doesn’t talk much but when she does it’s with some serious wisdom. This shuts Cate and fiance up. Alexa chomps down on a double Whopper and smiles knowingly.
Amber’s bfriend is looking for a gift for Amber. How bout you just find someone to take the GED for her? Or, I dunno. GET A JOB?!? He gets her a pink blanket and a teddy bear. How did this idiot ever get laid?
Ryan has dinner at a Mexican place with his friends and they talk about his custody issue. He thinks he’s just kept from the kid to annoy him and he’s paid 80,000 in child support. You mean your parents have spent 80,000 dollars in child support. This guy can’t possibly have a job. He can’t even say more than two words at a time. His girlfriend, who is now definitely wanting to be that baby mama, thinks the whole thing is unfair. Especially when she learns that legally, Maci can move up to five hours away. Snapple, court system! His friends want him to be outraged, but he’s having a blankfaced salsa binge.
After a long puase, he says this might be worth taking to the court. I think he might mean tennis, but no one asks.
Farrah tells us that she is gonna try to work it out with her mom. She calls her, and her mom sounds all nice and says she misses her. Farrah’s like yeah thanks for calling. Mom says that she left a message and Farrah just didn’t get it. Mmhm. Farrah invites her to therapy and the mom tries to come up with an excuse to not go but “I’m wasted” isn’t acceptable at the moment so she agrees.
Ryan goes to see a lawyer. Is he sure the kid’s his? Damn, buddy! Ryan says yes the kids his, and the lawyer’s like “sure you don’t want a DNA test?” HAHAH lawyers are such dicks. He tells Ryan that the only way to stop Maci from moving to Nashville is to bring some kind of suit against her. So let’s file one! No, Ryan doesn’t have a job, but his parents do! Let’s spend some serious cash fighting for a kid Ryan’s not even making the SLIGHTEST effort to support. This is fucking disgusting.
Wayell, we could kill er. Er we could sue er fer somethin. She keep any of your boardgames in the split? Let’s sue er over Clue. That’ll be ten thousand smackers k? Have yur daddy cawl meh.
Farrah’s mom shows up at counseling and Farrah tries to not stab her while she plays with the kid. Counselor takes them into the office and Farrah says she’s there to make her mom and daughter relationship not suck. Debra, with complete dead face, says she wants her kid to be happy. Farrah says she is getting there, but no one buys it.
What about this face says unhappy?!?
Debra says that they used to be best friends. Farrah’s like “um no we weren’t”. She gets mad and bitchily says her mom shouldn’t be crying if she wants to be best friends. I don’t know what that means, but the mom really must have messed up. To show Farrah she loves her, Debra: (loooong pause) prays for her. Oh lord. You know what would be better? Being a decent mom. Or calling her. Or helping put her through school. Waste of life. Farrah says this is all bullshit and she’s not gonna enjoy her mom’s company. Counselor tells her to STFU and stop being a brat. She’s the one who invited her mom here and she’s gonna have to make some changes too. She suggests hanging out together. Debra looks in the couch cushions for dropped pills. It’s obvs Farrah still clings to the idea of a good mom. But wishing does not a good mom make. Dump the bitch and concentrate on not becoming her.
Catelynn and her boyfriend walk the dogs while Cate talks about feeling fat. Fiance’s like “yeah but you had a baby”. No. You’re supposed to say “you’re not fat. Let’s get something to eat.” It’s difficult teaching people how to romance girls. The conversation moves onto mom, and he says “she’s never forgaven you.” Is it too late to give him up for adoption, too?
Amber says that her fiance is being so sweet to take care of the kid and it’s weird cuz he usually gets jealous when she goes out without him. There are plenty of whales in the sea, you know. Then we find out why he gets jealous.
Toxic Fat Friend
Toxic Fat Friend tells him it’s his right to see his woman on her birthday and by offering to babysit he’s being a little bitch. Be a man and tell her NO. I’m just guessing here, but something tells me Toxic Fat Friend will be single forever.
Gary calls Amber and starts his manly jealous act. When you leaving? Where you going? He gives her attitude so she hangs up on him. He calls back and yells at her. He says he’s not getting her a cake and she can get a babysitter. Fucking idiot. Hope you have fun with your real wife.
Misery loves company.
And so do triple D man boobs.
The baby cries while Amber shrieks about having to get a fucking babysitter. First, get a get a boyfriend that can fit in a plane seat. It will be easier for him to get a job then. Then, buy a box of condoms. Then, tie your tubes just in case. Then, start taking Plan B as a morning supplement. You can never be too careful. I am not just trying to help you. I am trying to help the world. There are genes that just don’t need to multiply.
Farrah decides to follow her counselor’s advice and meet her mom for coffee. After some of the most annoying baby talk ever, Debra asks Farrah how she likes living alone. Farrah says that she just works and goes to school and studies. Debra says that Sophia needs someone to teach her stuff and she can watch her if Farrah will trust her. Then she drops the baby on the floor and pulls a box of chardonnay out of her purse. Still, Farrah agrees. At least it wasn’t heroin.
Amber can’t believe her fat fuck idiot boyfriend is f ing her over on her bday. She goes to the bedroom to talk to him while her friends talk about how they always thought Amber was the bitch but now see why. LOL. She yells at him and breaks up with him. HAHAHAHHA!! Atta girl.
At least I have my Toxic Fat Friend…
I can’t wait to use that giant underarm as a night cap.
Guess what Toxic suggests? Going to his house! Toxic says Gary’s just gonna be a pussy and go watch the baby, which he does. And he brings a cake home too. It’s half eaten, but still. He says sorry and Amber hugs him like a dead fish. Gary helps her blow out the trick candles with a mouth full of spit. Well that’s one way to be sure you’ll get the other half of the cake you fat fuck.
Ryan plays with his kid, and when Maci shows up he hands her some papers from the lawyers. He yawns during every sentence he speaks. He is taking her to court to get equal custody, and when she tries to ask what he’s up to he just yawns. So basically this show is about how men have no brains and do everything the people around them tell them too. Men? We’re not really coming off great here. I hope in court Maci is strong enough to mention that her idiot ex has no job or plan of ever having one and yawns during sentences. This show is seriously pissing me off.
Guess what Ryan does while his parents try to talk to him? He shoves his face full of food and says two words at a time. Maci is def gonna move, and mom is glad that they started legal fights for the next sixteen years. Listen grandma, you had your chance to raise a kid and you FUCKED IT UP ROYALLY. Back off and live your own life. Maci is in the car crying to her mom about how lazy and ridiculous Ryan is, and her mom says she’s working hard and Ryan’s a lump of crap and there’s no judge in the world that will give him custody. A good mom on this show? I don’t believe it. That’s why they don’t show her that much.
Catelynn gets her hair did for prom while her fiance comes on to himself in the mirror.
Sure, Cate’s mom is a c word, but she showed up to take prom pictures! And with such a pretty smile!
Fuck all y’all.
Meth Mom totally reminds me of this sketch:
Cate comes out looking pretty and her mom refuses to compliment her. She doesn’t call her a homely slag though, so I think that’s progress. Cate and Fifth Grad party like pros and they win Prom King and Queen! AW. They are really cute. I like Cate, if only cuz I HATE her mother. They celebrate like any red blooded American kids would.
Let’s make a baby.
Wow. What a show. I am hooked on this shit now. Thanks a lot, Nerdia! Thanks for putting up with me this week guys! Nerds will be back next time! xo
PS – Wear a condom.