Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
This week on Teen Mom…
Catelynn cleans the apartment in preparation for April’s return from Vegas. The last thing she wants to do is piss off a broke drunk. When April arrives home Catelynn is quick to ask what piece of shit souvenir she brought back for her. April responds by telling her about a t-shirt she saw that stated “If you think I’m a bitch, you should meet my mom.” They have a good laugh, but Catelynn ruins it by bringing up Carly. She tells April about how they called to wish Carly a “happy birthday”, this is April’s response:
I’d like to point out 2 things about this image 1. The awesome desktop wallpaper of April and Butch’s church wedding 2. the uncanny resemblance between April and Gollum.
Catelynn and Tyler discuss April’s apparent apathy regarding Carly and, again, they come to the conclusion that they must lower their expectations.
Maci is packing up for the big move to Nashville! She still hasn’t told Ryan. I am beginning to think that Maci doesn’t like confrontation. She talks with a friend while she counts a suspicious about cash. She reveals that she’s ready to “jump in” with Kyle, something she never did with Ryan. Wondering if that’s a euphemism for anal?
Farrah’s seriously considering moving in to her parents rental house unless she can come up with a “creative solution”. One of her “creative solutions” is to learn how to sew. I mean, Farrah doesn’t have any money and sewing does sound like something poor people do, right? However, Farrah has enough money to buy fabric and a sewing machine, albeit a cheap one. She begins her first garment while Sophia downs a $5 iced coffee. Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t go well.
Coffee is to babies as brain cells are to Farrah
Despite last’s weeks tantrum, Farrah still claims that she is getting along with her parents. She decides to tell them about the car scam. You know that she’s hoping they will just give her cash, but instead her dad tells her that Sophia should be entitled to Social Security considering her father has died. That means Farrah will have to reach out to her ex’s family for a DNA test. Uh oh, Farrah doesn’t like this.
Gary’s still at his mom’s, but he can’t stay much longer. I can imagine the food bill he racks up! But, that’s not the reason. Chris (oh yeah, you remember Gary’s step dad) and Gary just don’t get along and Carol can’t be stuck in the middle. There’s only room for one fat, freeloading male in Carol’s home and it’s reserved for the one who gives her dick and unless Gary’s up the challenge, he’s gotta go.
Since Amber failed her GED practice test, she’s studying for her HS diploma from home while Leah walks around in Amber’s stripper shoes.
Someone get this baby a pole!
Seriously, why doesn’t Amber consider stripping? She has the prerequisites: likes dancing, has bastard child, likes money, unnaturally tan…Anyways, Gary talks to Amber about staying with her while he finds a new place. She agrees, but only if he sleeps on the couch and pays. She’s done with him.
Although they aren’t together, Amber still orders him to bring her her purse. She needs to take her meds. NO SHIT! I think it’s about time Amber ups her dosage of whatever she’s taking cuz the bitch still be crazy. Gary obeys and with his usual charm, he passive aggressively brings up that Amber left a knife out within Leah’s reach. Listen Gary, Amber was just trying to do Leah a favor.
Meanwhile in Mich-here-we-go-igan, Tyler and Catelynn are working on a scarp book for Carly when Catelynn receives a call from Butch. He’s been moved from rehab to the county jail for violating the no contact order set between him and April. It turns out that, a year earlier, a drunk April called the cops during a fight with Butch, who was on parole, which resulted in the no contact order. This order was violated when the 2 talked while Butch was in rehab. You know poor Tyler is disappointed, but he remains stoic. I guess nothing can keep April away from her precious.
All of Maci’s friends are home from college and come by to see her off. She still hasn’t told Ryan about the move, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!? Maci, have you considered writing him? By the time he deciphers the text you will already be in Nashville.
Amber is tense with Gary around, but at least he’s there to watch Leah while Amber goes to a martial arts class. How does she have money for this???? On the way there, she talks to cousin Krystal about the sitch. Gary’s gotta go. Hopefully, Amber can release some of that tension at her dry humping class.
Farrah visits her lawyer to figure out this whole Social Security thing. Maybe she can also get disability for being retarded. Sorry retards, I realize how insulting that was. Farrah’s lawyer tells her someone from her ex’s family has to give a DNA sample. He tries calling Derrick’s (Sophia’s dad) sister, Kassy, with no luck. It’s all up to Farrah. But, Farrah doesn’t want to be involved in their “drama”. The lawyer probes, but Farrah doesn’t give any more dets. Nice try, MTV. The lawyer essentially tells her to grow the fuck up and deal. Farrah sends Kassy a facebook message.
Free prize for the reader who catches the most errors!
April is pretty upset about Butch being in the slammer, especially since it’s her fault. Here I was thinking that April just fucked up the lives of those she birthed. April reads Catelynn a letter she wrote to the state in the hopes of helping Butch. She actually formed some pretty decent sentences. Butch calls and April laughs about how Nick says they are going to use a big truck to break into the jail and rescue him. Oh yes, nothing is cuter than a 4-year-old pining over his imprisoned father figure.
Remember kids, this looks good after being in the slammer
Farrah’s working extra hours, but it still isn’t enough. She really needs that Social Security. She decides to call Kassy who agrees to provide the DNA sample. Farrah takes Sophia to “Any Lab Test Now!” (WTF?) so they can get swabbed. Farrah doesn’t know the name of the test they are there for, but it doesn’t take the chick working the front desk long to figure out it’s a “paternity” test. Seriously Farrah, have you never seen Maury?
Finally, something Farrah is good at!
Amber returns from class to find Leah playing with a glass candle. She quickly chews out Gary b/c a glass candle is totally the same as a steak knife. She wants to know if Gary has found anything and shocker, he hasn’t. Amber wants to know what’s taking so long. He doesn’t need much, just wide doorways and easy access to the kitchen. But, Gary reveals that he’s looking for a 2-3 bedrooms b/c he’s getting roommates. Amber wants to know who and Gary isn’t saying (I bet that’s because it’s Little Debbie and Mrs. Fields). Amber does have a point, she’s entitled to know who her daughter will be exposed to; however, she totally overreacts. Gary doesn’t give in and, like a made for TV movie, Amber loses her shit and tells Gary to get out. Gary says he’s taking Leah, Amber doesn’t seem to put up much of a fight on that one. Poor fat Gary.
Gary runs to his friend Jordan or “toxic fat friend” as Flipit put it. I just noticed that he’s wearing a wedding ring, WTF?!? To make matters even worse, he gives Gary good advice. I so wanted to hate this guy! He tells Gary that Amber brings him down and it isn’t healthy, both true. Gary isn’t hearing it. He wants his family and a ham sandwich.
Maybe they are friends because they both look like fat creepy adult babies?
Farrah hasn’t heard from the lab and then she gets the call, looks like this Kassy bitch was a no show.
Maci says goodbye to her parents and heads over to say her good byes to Ryan. AWKWARD. Ryan calls Maci a “shitty person” and selfish. What a dick.
Gary calls Amber to apologize and weasel his way back in to the apartment. She agrees to let him let him back for a little longer, but he better mind his “Ps and Qs”. He returns to the apartment where Amber proceeds to tell him that he’s only there b/c she pitys him, OUCH! I guess he only has eyes for Amber’s domestic abuse.
Catelynn goes with April to talk to a lawyer about Butch. Looks like the lawyer can’t help without $1,500. So in jail Butch shall remain. Man, it must suck to be poor.
Maci arrives in Nashville and Kyle helps assemble Bentley’s crib. Maci reveals that she’s not at all worried about losing Bentley to Ryan since he’s as dumb as a box of rocks and she can prove it!
Farrah announces that she is going to cook dinner. Someone call the fire department. She begins by putting something frozen in a pot and then “making sauce” aka opening a jar. I hope she didn’t pay too much for that culinary degree.
The classic french “le scissors” technique
Sure enough, the stove bursts into flames. Quick, Farrah! Throw Sophia on there to smother that fire!
Farrah’s lawyer calls and she fills him in. Farrah wants the court to make Kassy do the test. Uh, this is America, Farrah, people have rights! He mentions something about offering Kassy visitation rights. It sounds like Farrah has kept Sophia from Derrick’s family this whole time. No wonder Kassy was a no show. Again, Farrah get’s all “poor me” with the lawyer and the lawyer tells her to shut the fuck up. Let’s hope some of this is sinking in.