Teen Mom: Caution, Meet Wind

This was a good episode for the most part!  The person who pissed me off the most was Chelsea, but I’m getting used to that.  And the other girls were pretty tolerable.  And Jenelle got a new boyfriend who has already made me laugh my ass off, and will continue to do so until he inevitably screws up her life.  Finally, I’ve started a new game this week.  It’s Best Baby WTF Face.  Every week, I swear each baby makes a face that’s along the lines of “Bitch Please,” or “Say what?”  or “WTF, Mom, I’m tired of onesies and I’m tired of Kim.”  I’ll pick my favorite every week and I invite you to caption it along with me.

Granddad, would you mind terribly if I were to taste the flavor of your Blackberry?  It looks positively scrumptious.

We start off on an up note with Leah!  She and Corey have been living in a land of floaty hearts and velvet unicorns since they got back together, and now they’re heading to the beach to spend the day with Corey’s family.  Adorable baby swimsuit scenes commence!

I fall more in love with this man every week.

Corey asks which suit goes on which baby, and what way is front to back, and Leah sweetly guides in him the right direction.  It’s so frigging cute I feel like they should break into song or something.  The family meets Joetta and Corey’s dad down at a lazy river, and the babies are put in the cutest tiniest inner tubes I’ve ever seen.

They’re like mini-cabanas.

Then my favorite foursome heads to the shore to let the babies put their toes in the water.  Aleeyah, as per usual, plays normal happy baby, and Ali keeps working her awesome curmudgeon like a champ.  She looks like a middle aged woman who wears a pantsuit to the beach because she will not be getting in the water thank you very much, she’ll be sitting in the shade to read some Anne Perry.  Then, if her opinion of this place filled with wet sand wasn’t clear enough by her expression and ever-present anger V, she spitefully pukes on it.

She might be a damn genius.

Ugh, I’m wrenched away from the beach to barren, dry South Dakota, with it’s tanned skunks pretending to be girls, and it’s boys that think they’re better than sleeves.  Chelsea VOs that Megan’s not thrilled about Adam hanging around so much, but she doesn’t give a flying fuck, because two mommies is NOT what she had in mind.  And Adam’s been helping out with Aubree a lot.  And living in a house rent-free.  If I were Adam, I’m sure I could see my way to spoon-feeding an infant every once in a while if it meant I got to have sex and play X-Box for the rest of the day.  Stay-at-home-Dad must be a job description that’s sounding better to Adam by the second.

The “family” heads to the zoo and proceeds to have a gay old time until Chesea’s dad calls.  And despite how supportive he’s been to her, despite the fact that she’d be on the street if it weren’t for him, despite the fact that her life would be a steaming pile of crap if it weren’t for her dad, she baldfaced lies to him when he asks who she’s with at the zoo.

I hate her in this moment.  And many others.

Adam waves at the phone with a shit-eating grin, and when Chelsea hangs up, he asks when she’s going to tell Randy about their happy little family.  Chelsea answers that she’s got to be certain that things will work out between her and Adam before she tells her father.  She doesn’t want him getting upset if “something” happens.  Hmm, I think you just want to live in your fantasy bubble for awhile longer.  Said bubble that includes neither schoolwork nor paternal judgment.

In Pennsylvania, things seem to have leveled out a bit for Kailyn.  She hasn’t won the lottery or a new set of parents or anything, but since she broke up with Jordan, she and Jo have been getting along better.  She insists that they still have a lot to talk out, so they head to dinner together at the same outdoor restaurant everybody in that town seems to go to.  Must be tasty.  And easy to shoot.  Jo admits that he’s a lot happier since Kailyn broke up with Jordan and stopped cutting off his metaphorical dick, and Kailyn admits that she really didn’t think about how her dating someone else would make Jo feel.  Before I facepalm myself for the third time in five minutes, I remember my new mantra when watching this show: they’re still teenagers.  They’re still teenagers.  I wonder if it would be sacrilegious to use my rosary beads, too…

No idea, she claims.  No idea her ex-boyfriend would be jealous of her dating a new guy.  They’re still teenagers.  They’re still teenagers.

And now here’s the part I don’t know how to feel about.  Jo claims that he and Kailyn were fine as a couple when Isaac was first born.  Up until he was three months old, they worked well together and were happy.  Really?  Not according to “16 and Pregnant.”  Anyway, he doesn’t know what happened to make them so unhappy, but he wants it to go back to the way it was.  He wants his family back.  
So, right.  Jo’s stopped being an asshole, it seems.  But I feel like what happened between the couple to break them up in the first place was Jo being an asshole.  I’m happy that he stopped when he realized that Kailyn wouldn’t be around forever, but all this seems kinda… douchey.  But at least he’s making an effort.

I’m torn.

Then Kailyn makes me so fucking proud, I change my mantra to, “They’re only teenagers!  They’re only teenagers!”  (I said with a happy tone this time.)  She looks askance at Jo and tells him that she’s worried about school, her job and Isaac.  It looks like she’s trying mighty hard to hold back a MASSIVE “WTF?” and she’s doing well.  She calmly explains that they both have a lot on their plates right now, and it probably isn’t the best time to be discussing getting back together.  Jo’s disappointed that he can’t magically repair all the damage, but at least Kailyn’s there and sounding level-headed so he can’t turn around and claim her resistance is out of spite.

So proud!

With that, we’re onto North Carolina, and our wild card.  I call Jenelle that because for all of her white trash dysfunction, I think she might be a smart cookie.  Like, scary smart.  She just needs to get her power back and wield it responsibly.  She VOs that while her mother has custody of Jace, she’s been spending lots of time with him.  Jenelle works Friday nights and babysits for him on Saturdays.  But not this Saturday, I’m guessing.  Because after work this Friday, she’s going out with friends.  Man, Jenelle’s friends are like her heroin.  Seems like she’s doing fine for awhile, then she heads out and her life goes to hell in a hand basket.  Remember that guy from the tabloids that she was arrested with for smoking pot in an abandoned house?

Everyone, meet Kieffer!

Jenelle heads to a house party that MTV has decided to back with club music.  MTV?  I have been to front porch house parties where they’re playing cards and drinking beer.  I can guaran-goddamn-tee you that house music is not playing.  Anyway, Jenelle exchanges some seriously Neanderthal flirtations with Kieffer, and it’s LOVE!  Well, love enough to keep her out all night.  No joke.

With this guy.  That’s his mug shot, I threw it in as a deterrent against his obvious charm.

WTF, Jenelle????  You only have to see your kid one day a week – like you never would have seen this Kieffer guy again?  You have way more time on your hands than most single moms, for pity’s – they’re only teenagers, they’re only teenagers, they’re only teenagers.  Whew.  Okay, where were we?  Right, Jenelle stayed out all night, incurring the wrath of Barbara.  Thusly, she may not babysit Jace that day or any other Saturday and is ordered to cover up her hickeys.

BTW, thanks MTV.  I would never have believed Barbara’s crazed ranting had you not provided me with visual proof.

Back in West Virginia, Corey and Leah are still worried about Ali, but she’s still not ready for an MRI, so they’re just biding their time and supporting each other until they know more.  They’re also making me happy that I have a break every ten minutes or so from stupidity, yelling and cutoff t-shirts.  The two sit down to discuss how happy they are, and Corey proposes that they try out moving in together once more.  Leah handles the whole thing pretty calmly, but you can tell she’s ready to backflip off the porch.  So am I!

With that brief interlude, we head back to Chelsea, who VOs that her dad is on his way over and she’s nervous that he knows something’s up.  I have to wonder if Chelsea knows just how small her town is.  I have family in both Vermillion and Sioux Falls, and neither town is big enough to keep a secret.  Especially when said secret is being followed around with television cameras and is already famous for being a total dick.

You know what I heard?  Like literally just heard, walking through town?

Randy arrives, and of course he knows what’s up.  His daughter’s betrayed him so much at this point that he’s immune to it because he doesn’t totally hit the roof when Chelsea confirms that Adam is indeed back in her life.  Also, I think that while Randy might believe his daughter is the brightest star in the sky, he fucking knows she ain’t the brightest bulb in the box.

He rails for a few minutes about how shocked he is that she could return to someone who treated her so terribly, and when Chelsea whines (literally whines.  Isn’t there a rule that says you have to give up whining when you become a mom?  I feel like that impulse is expelled along with the placenta.) that he’s a good father, it does no good.  Randy agrees that Adam might be a good father, but he insists that there’s no way a relationship between Adam and Chelsea could work.  He’s just waiting for the day when a few months from now, Chelsea calls him crying again.  Okay, good Randy, you know it’s coming.  NOW JUST DON’T PICK UP YOUR PHONE.

Randy also confirms one of my suspicions when he says that he wouldn’t have let Chelsea move up to Sioux Falls if he had thought she’d pull some shit like this.  None of what he says has any effect on Chelsea, though, because she’s able to pull the whole, “You’re not talking to me nice!” when Randy’s been way calmer than my father would have been were I in this situation.  He might as well be monk for how reasonable he’s being.

Though that’s probably part of the problem…

Chlesea VOs that she wishes her dad could just give Adam another chance, but Randy just so much smarter than she is.  I’m pretty sure he’d wear one of Adam’s shirts to work before he ever gave the kid the time of day.

This one’s my favorite.

In Pennsylvania, Kailyn’s getting dumber by the minute because she’s hanging out with my favorite FILP (Friend I’d Like to Punch), Kim!  They’re at Staples getting school supplies.  Why is Kim a Filp, you ask?  Because she says all manner of shit like, “Is that all you’re gonna buy?”  “How are you gonna study with Isaac?” and “How are you going to pay for a babysitter and daycare?”  Kailyn, who as I’ve said before, needs better judgment in people, just mumbles that she doesn’t really know, and that she’s pretty worried about money.  She also sadly wishes that she could decorate a dorm room, and I cry a little for her, fondly remembering the visual cacophony that were the walls of my first dorm.

OMG, and there’s still more Kim!  Isaac cries, “Oh, the joys of shopping with a child,” and at the register, “Oh, my gosh it’s so much – my parents are paying for it.  How are you paying for yours?”

And these shorts, which I cannot fathom.

With that, we’re on to Jenelle, and she’s decided to be more patient with her mother’s nagging, I assume because talking with Kieffer has put her in a good mood.  You’re a better woman than I, Jenelle.   Then again, I’m single, so there’s no one really to temper the tension when my mother and I get within 50 feet of each other.  Barbara obnoxiously hopes that he’s not a pothead or an asshole because Jenelle seems to like guys like that.  She also points out that it’s necessary that Jenelle finishes her Associate’s Degree and get her life together so she can take care of Jace.  When he’s like, four or five, and knows Jenelle as that pretty girl who hangs out on the couch and yells at his mom.  Jenelle just smiles and nods, thinking about how she got those beautiful hickeys.

Happy place.  So nice to have a happy place.

Then Barbara surprises me when she smiles and tells Jenelle to bring “him” by so she can critique him.  Why are you encouraging this Barbara?  This woman is fucking confusing.

Later on, Jenelle and Kieffer have their first real date, and… it’s pretty frigging boring.  They get ice cream, Jenelle takes him to see an alligator, which he and his patented Jersey Combo of arrogance and stupidity decide to taunt.  Jenelle warns him to not taunt a fucking alligator, but you can tell she’s all atwitter at her new man’s, uh, arrogance and stupidity.

In South Dakota, Randy is keeping a much closer watch on Chelsea, which of course results in him and Adam crossing paths.  Adam’s about to go grab a filter for their air conditioning, and keeps giggling and hiding from Randy when he comes back with the filter.  
It’s a good day for Randy, though, because he fixes the AC before Adam even gets back.  It’s probably a good day for Adam, too, considering he got to play hide and seek.  I’ll bet he loves that game.  But it’s a sad day for Chelsea.  She just wishes her two favorite men could get along.

I just wish she’d pick one color for her hair.

Now it’s back to Weeeest Virginia!  Corey and Leah head to a barbeque to discuss their new living situation with their friends.  Kayla’s scowly and bitchy as usual, but Leah’s sister Victoria and the rest of their friends are really supportive.  It’s very sweet.

In South Dakota, Megan and Chelsea have a conversation of literally no importance.  I refuse to recap it.

Time to visit Kailyn again, and she’s worried about tuition.  She heads to the bursar’s office, and the woman is a total bitch and completely unhelpful.  Kailyn can’t afford her payments immediately, and the woman’s basically all, “Can you take less classes?  Borrow money from someone?  No?  Well, good luck.  Cute kid!”  Kailyn has no idea how she’s gonna get the money, and frankly, neither do I.  I think this is how girls become strippers.

Oh, think about that lovely long hair riding the wind as she twirls around the pole…

In Oak Island, Jenelle’s trying to leave the house to pick up Kieffer and take him to the DMV, all the while enduring Barbara’s negative taunts – “You’ll never make it!  You’re gonna be late!”  Why is it some parents can’t seem to grasp that yelling “FAILURE IS IMINENT!” at their children is not a proper motivational tool?  Jenelle does manage to fly in the face of expectations and pick up Kieffer and make it to her meeting on time.  Though, I will say that her third conversation with Kieffer, while sweet and funny, does nothing to make me believe that he’s about as smart as a beta fish I once had that tried eating itself.

At her college counselor meeting, Jenelle seems really excited to start her film editing courses, and the counselor responds to her well.  I can’t decide if Jenelle is really into all this, or she’s just excited to get the hell away from Barbara even more.  Probably both.  The counselor also mentions that Jenelle’s a really good student based on her high school transcripts.

I don’t mean to be a bitch, but color me fucking surprised.

The two women part ways after a talk about tuition, and its’ unclear whether or not Jenelle’s going to have the same issues as Kailyn when it comes to payment.  I’m betting no given that she’s been planning on going to the school all summer and tuition isn’t something that Barbara’s yelled at Jenelle about yet.

In West Virginia, Corey and Leah look at houses and, um… this is their dream home…

I don’t want to judge, but… damn.

Leah goes out to sushi with her mom, and Dawn is not fucking happy that Leah and Corey decided to move in together after only being back together a week.  I confess, as much as I want to move right next door to them just to be their personal cheerleaders, they are rushing it a bit.  Leah claims that it’s difficult to go slowly when there are two children involved, but Dawn wonders if moving in together so soon is the best for Ali, when she brings all the stress of her medical problems to the table.

Things don’t get much better when Leah mentions that they’ll have to fix-up their place a little, but she has faith that she and Corey can pull through anything together.

And now to Sioux Falls for the conversation I have been both expecting and dreading.  Adam wants to move in!  He and Chelsea are having lunch and he lays it on thick – helping with the baby and telling Chelsea he wants to be around “[his] girls” every day.  3… 2… 1… “If we move in together, it’ll be good.”  Chelsea looks like her big, dumb Snookie bump could explode right then and there from happiness.  OH MY GOD I WANT TO SLAP THE SHIT OUT HER SO MUCH!!  YOU HAVE A RENT-FREE HOUSE!  I WOULD LIVE WITH A 42-YEAR OLD SHUT IN WHO REFUSED TO TAKE BATHS IF IT MEANT I COULD LIVE RENT-FREE!  ADAM HAS NOT CHANGED!!!

Stupid skunk.

Is it just me, or should Barbara and Randy swap kids.  Barbara’d scare Adam the fuck away, and Jenelle’s house would be quiet enough that she wouldn’t want to fucking leave all the time.

Of course Chelsea isn’t going to tell her dad right away, mainly because I think she kind of knows that Randy will stop paying rent right quick.  She and Adam smooch goodbye, I vomit a little my mouth, and thank God, it’s onto Jenelle.

And oh good, more Kieffer.  He’s busy impressing Jenelle at a hamburger joint, telling her the cooks have nothing on his line cook skills.  You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.  Then he calls her all kinds of out of his league because she finished high school and you know, has goals and stuff.  I agree with him, but Jenelle insists that’s not true, and they decide that they are definitely going to keep seeing each other.  BTW, remember those tabloid reports of Jenelle getting arrested for squatting in a house and smoking pot with her boyfriend?

PHOTO 23 KIEFFER  Smile!  You’re on Candid Camera!

In Pennsylvania, Isaac’s off to stay with Suzy, and looks appropriately skeeved out by the idea.

This week’s winner of the WTF Baby Face Award!

Kailyn takes this opportunity to disappoint herself and asks her mother for college money.  Of course, Suzy continues to be worthless, and Kailyn is forced to swallow her pride and ask Jo.  Oh my God, that has to be Numero Uno on Kailyn’s List of Most Uncomfortable Moments.  Luckily, Jo decides not to be an dick and grants her request.  He also doesn’t rub it in her face that she needs to ask him, which is a point in his favor.  Apparently he has the money because he works full-time.  Oh, hey Jo – you know all those cracks I made about you not having a job and being a worthless asshole?  I apologize.  For the job part.

It’s Moving Time for Leah and Corey!  The couple and their friends fix-up and paint the new place, and once everything’s in, a new home is born.  They’re also next to a river that’s clean enough to swim in, because Leah and her friends take a dip after they finish.  This place is looking better and better.  Especially after Leah spends a minute telling Ali all about the new house with Momma, Daddy and Sissy, and Ali does NOT vomit all over the situation.  She smiles!

Momma, you so crazy!

And now the moment I’ve all been waiting for.  Barbara meets Kieffer!  I was not nearly as excite to watch this as I am to recap it.  Man, I don’t think Kieffer’s an asshole, but he might be dumber than Chelsea.  He walks into the house and it looks like Barbara is ready to give him the benefit of the doubt, which continues to surprise me.  But, I’m pretty sure that’s about as far as her approval went, considering this is the shitpile of facts about himself that Kieffer buried himself in as soon as he opened his mouth:

• No Job (“technically” he’s laid off)
• Came to Oak Island by himself – on foot.  Yes, he walked from South Myrtle Beach with a 40lb bag of clothes.  Which also means he’s been homeless.
• He’s taken two (count them TWO!) courses at culinary school, so with his “resumé” he can walk into any kitchen around RURAL NORTH CAROLINA and cook.

I think my favorite part about this whole exchange is the pride with which Kieffer describes himself.  Shit, I could walk into any kitchen in the Oak Island are and cook, and not because of school.  It’s because I can lie and work a flattop grill, neither of which are things I’m proud of.

Kieffer  At least he’s not lacking in confidence.

In South Dakota, Chelsea has a sit-down with Megan to go over the idea of Adam moving in, and this is the face Megan makes for the entire conversation.  Instead of saying it’s her space, too, and that Adam makes her want to vomit, Megan just says that it’s awfully soon.  Chelsea agrees, but they’ll be like a little faaaamilyyyy and that’s what she waaaanted all alooooong.  God, what a moron.  She asks Megan what she thinks, and bless her heart, Megan just says, “It’s gonna be bad.”

High Five, Megan.

With that, we’re onto Kailyn as she triumphantly makes her bursar payment at school.  Yay!  She’s very grateful to Jo and they hang out with Isaac that evening.  Kailyn tells him that while she knows they’re not together now, she knows things will fall into place.  Jo gazes at her sweetly and tells her he hopes so.

Okay, he’s kinda goofy-good looking.  I might be starting to see the appeal.  Might.

Nighty-night Cats and Kittens.  That’s all for this week.  Caption little Isaac’s photo below and give each other some giggles.  Anything to take our minds off of Chelsea’s impending second pregnancy.