This episode of Teen Mom should have been called “awkward moments” because, let me tell you, there were plenty of them, from Farrah’s face-to-face meeting with her mom to Gary’s painful proposal to Amber. Come on Amber, give the guy a break. He got down on one knee, quite a feat for someone of his size!
Here’s the rundown:
Carrots (Maci) decides Bentley no longer needs his pacifier and attempts to wean him. When she drops Bentley off with Ryhan she explains that they need to parent together. This includes no pacifier and meeting his girlfriend. Ryhan is obviously confused by this grown-up talk, but agrees. Meanwhile, Carrots pines over Butter Face (Kyle). Is he the one???
At Ryhan’s house, Bentley plays with the ho-bag. It looks like ho-bag’s got a name and its Kathryn (I’m gonna stick with “ho-bag”). It’s no shocker that Ryhan has given Bentley a pacifier. When Bentley smacks his face on a table, ho-bag pretends to be concerned, but she looks like she’s trying not to laugh. When Carrots arrives to pick up Bentley, she finds herself face-to-face with the ho-bag. There are no introductions, so fucking awkward, but ho-bag shares that Bentley fell. Carrots likes this.
I can’t help but feel that Carrots’ determination to keep Bentley away from his “pass-ee” is just a projection of her own attempt to resist Butter Face. You know she’s craving dick, but she’s hesitate to introduce Butter Face to Bentley until she knows for sure that he’s serious boyfriend material. So when you’re watching try to remember this analogy: BENTLEY is to PACIFIER as CARROTS is to DICK. If you remember this throughout, it makes Carrots’ otherwise boring segments (maturity is harder to ridicule) a little more entertaining.
The Aryan Goon pays Carrots a surprise visit, looks like things are getting serious! I mean, they have been together for like 20 minutes. And really, when you get down to it, her relationship with Ryhan probably only lasted a few minutes. Bentley, get ready to meet your new “uncle”.
It’s Catelynn’s birthday and what better way to celebrate her unplanned and unwanted birth than with a rollerskating party! But Tyler isn’t in a celebratory mood, his relationship with Catelynn is floundering. Tyler is having some serious trust issues. He cannot accept that Catelynn did the nasty with her ex. He’s less bothered by the fact she was 13 and doing it and more bothered by the fact that she lied. Displaying the emotional maturity of a neglected, middle-aged housewife,Tyler says to Catelynn “we need to see a counselor” all while maintaining the delicate balance of his Bill Cosby meets Eminem inspired wardrobe (see below).
Catelynn seeks advice from her mother. Certainly an Auschwitz survivor would have some inspiring words of wisdom to share, right? Nope, April tells Catelynn “Go to counseling and take advice, I guess”. And that’s exactly what Catelynn does. We learn that her mother was(?) a severe alcoholic and Catelynn would frequently lie for her. Very sad and all, but Tyler could give 2 shits.
Tyler, you may be responsible for breaking her heart, but not her hymen!
Despite the seemingly successful session, Tyler still isn’t feeling better. In an an awkward exchange, he decides the only way he’ll ever trust Catelynn again is if he can see her phone records (bad idea). He wants to be sure she wasn’t lying about talking to her ex in Florida (Florida is pretty much living up to its reputation as the “Wang of America” in this episode). Let’s get to the crux of the matter, Catelynn is damaged goods. When it comes to Catelynn, Tyler needs to be responsible for anything and everything going in and coming out. Period. Tyler is clearly looking for a way out and next week’s episode just might give it to him!
It’s basically the same old shit with Farrah. She is angry, sad, dumb, and, now, broke! Her mom has accepted a plea bargain (even though she claims to be innocent of any wrong doing), but the relationship is far from mended. The two meet and Farrah is not having it. During this incredibly awkward encounter, her mom shows Farrah her baby book and says how much they love her. Farrah totally gives her the shaft and says she doesn’t want a relationship.
We finally get the chance to see Farrah put her culinary skills to the test at her place of employment, a pizza parlor. Man, she cuts those slices into nearly perfect triangles. How many credit hours to you think that took? Anyways, Farrah reveals to co-worker and fellow teen baby shitter, Courtney, that the only assistance she’s getting from the state is money to pay for childcare which brings me to the babysitter.
Babysitter’s house, I wouldn’t leave my dog here
I noticed her last week, but I wasn’t going to say anything. I thought “Well, maybe she’s a family friend”, but upon hearing that she provides the best childcare that the state can buy, I am certain that this lady has a collection of necklaces made from teeth extracted from the skulls of infants. An improvement from the Sophia’s usual caretaker. Now that there’s $ for a babysitter, Farrah can finally have a night out with a girlfriend, they sip a fruity, virgin cocktail (we see the irony) and she breaks down about the loss of her baby daddy. Farrah doesn’t hesitate to accept when her friend offers to pick up the tab. The bitch needs money.
This episode finds Amber wondering “is it too late for the abortion?” as her patience with Leah dwindles. She’s visibly annoyed and frustrated referring to Leah as both a “pit bull” and a “crazy ass”. Not sure what to make of that, but it sounds unmotherly. Amber also says to Leah several times, “don’t pee on me”. Like father, like daughter, I guess. I certainly felt as if someone urinated in my eyes when Gary chose to go shirtless, not once, but twice! Ugh, we even get a hairy back and ass crack shot. Talk about birth control! You’ll never want to have sex after that eye raping.
Please don’t tell me you bathed together
The family goes for a “snack” at a candy shop where they sample chocolate covered marshmallows, shakes, and ice cream cones. SIDE NOTE: Still trying to figure out how Amber’s lost some major poundage ( I don’t mean Gary). I figured this was the result of stress and poverty, but she claims to have cut “bad food” from her diet…not buying it. The couple sits while Leah wanders around the store unattended. Tons of Fun suggests they head to Florida, Amber’s home state, for their first family vacation. They need to get away. Working part-time at a tanning salon and not at all is incredibly draining. The trip, however, will be economical. They will stay with Amber’s uncle and will only need $300 for gas and a “cooler, for Lunchables”. Gary suggests Amber’s dying father comes along to babysit, that way “Gamber” can have some alone time. On the trip down, Amber, in all her petulance, is appropriately seated in the back where the children belong.
No, Amber, the baby cannot ride on the top
When they arrive in Florida that meet her uncle David and his girlfriend Roz who undoubtedly met at a Jimmy Buffet concert. The subject of marriage comes up, yet again, and Amber responds “I’m old-fashioned. If he wants to marry me, he needs to ask me.” Amber, old-fashioned doesn’t mean responsive to questions. I think “not deaf” would be a better choice of words in this case. And clearly old-fashioned also doesn’t mean talking about future nuptials with your kid present. Anyways, Uncle David takes a creepy interest in Gamber’s future.
Never trust a grown man with hair this length
Uncle David gets Gary alone and tries to convince him to marry Amber. Who the fuck asked this choad? Gary is speechless and spits out something about a not having the money for ring. AWKWARD!
Gamber and Leah hit the beach (I’m tempted to make a whale joke, but it seems cheap) more covered than they are the entire episode. Now is when Gary chooses to wear a shirt? Leah is completely freaked out by the combination of sand and water. Amber is 2 seconds away from going Casey Anthony on her ass. Hey, they are in Florida! I must say that Gary exhibits quite a bit of patience and tenderness when it comes to Leah. Perhaps his ears are clogged with fat and he can’t hear half of her screaming?
Gary decides he likes it enough to put a piece of shit ring (it already owned) on it (again) in the most awkward marriage proposal ever. While on the beach, he gets down on one knee and without a ring asks “Amber, do you want to marry me?” Amber, ever the linguist, is annoyed by Gary’s word choice. She corrects him, “It’s ‘Will you marry me?’”. After some back and forth, Gary asks again. She seems completely unphased by the fact that he has has no engagement ring and offers up some tacky piece of shit she’s already wearing. He at first rejects her offer, stating “it needs to come from me [but, also, from Walmart]”. She doesn’t care about rings, rings are for materialistic girls with self-esteems. Gary takes the ring off of her right hand and places it on her left. She accepts, but only if he promises to never leave her again. He agrees and, as the sun sets on beautiful Daytona Beach, the future Mr. and Mrs. Pork Paws embrace.
(sorry, I couldn’t resist)