Teen Mom: Dr. Drooo, Where Are You?

Oh, Man, Friends.  It was a doozy this week.  From being dragged over emotional coals watching Corey and Leah plan their wedding and sob over their broken baby, to cringing at how freakish Barbara looks when she cries, not to mention the usual Adam Hate that runs through my veins at the sight of the rags he calls clothes – I’m emotionally drained.  I also went to Vegas on a whim Tuesday night, which is why you guys didn’t get an About Last Night.  If it makes you feel any better, I think I took a bath in a brand new dress.

Why do I think Jenelle’d feel me on that one?

We start this week in Pennsylvania, and while Kailyn’s totally rocking two jobs and school, she has decided that it’s the perfect and most appropriate time to get back with Jordan.  There’s a “Daaaamn, Girl…” that wants to come out of my mouth so badly, but I just can’t.  She’s working two jobs and living with a guy who freely admitted that he “fucking hates [her].”  Scenes with her going to an arcade with Jordan while Jo watches Isaac seem somehow balanced to me.  She VOs that she’s doing her best to avoid Jo and justifies her relationship with Jordan by saying that since she’s moving out soon anyway, what does it matter?

Why do I think Janet would have a strong opinion about this?

In North Carolina, Jenelle hasn’t seen Jace since she and Kieffer started squatting at the beach house, so she’s refocusing on their apartment search.  While she’s at school, Kieffer’s looking for jobs, and why am I not surprised that he’s unsuccessful?  Mostly because when I typed in “I’m going to look for jobs today,” into the Babelfish translator and clicked “Kiefferspeak to English,” it gave me, “I’m gonna smoke some pot and think about how great my one pair of shorts is.”

For reasons unknown, he and Jenelle meet up at a surf shop to discuss their living situation, and Kieffer reveals that they have one week to get out of Mike’s beach house before his family comes back.  I also plugged that into the translator and got, “We gotta get out before Mike finds out we’ve been squatting here.  Of course I didn’t ask him for real.”

Jenelle is shocked (SHOCKED ) that her free ride could be over just like that, and the two agree that in order to avoid Kieffer having to go (walk) back to New Jersey, they’ll have to ask Barbara if they can stay with her until they can save up enough to afford an apartment.

Because two hoodies are better than one?

Kieffer points out that Barbara is a psycho, and I don’t really have any disagreement with that.  Neither does Jenelle, but she doesn’t want to leave her freeloading, unsupportive, pothead boyfriend out in the balmy North Carolina weather cold.  She vows to swallow some more pride and ask Barbara for help again.  Oh, this is going to go spectaaaaaacularly well.

In South Dakota, Chelsea’s spending some time with her dad, who’s dealing pretty well with his daughter’s decision to get a GED, but is still “on [her] case” about Adam pitching in.  He should be on Adam’s fucking case with a cattle prod because I’m pretty sure that’s the only communication that lazy ass can comprehend.

As for the actual conversation, it’s pretty standard fare.  Randy expects $300 on the first of the month from Adam, which he calls “pretty cheap living,” and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree.  Chelsea, however, explains that when she and Adam were together, she always had to beg him to spend time with her, but now that he has a free place to stay and play Call of Duty at, they’re so much closer!  If she keeps pressuring him to get a job, he might (GASP!) leave!  Or something!

SHE IS SO DUMB SHE IS SO DUMB SHE IS SO DUMB.

For better or for worse, Randy lets the fact that Adam didn’t want to spend time with Chelsea when they were DATING slide, and tells Chelsea that he won’t force her to choose between her father and her shitty, shitty tiny dicky boyfriend.  Chelsea thanks him and vows to get on Adam’s case some more about getting a job.  Interestingly enough, there was also a Chelseaspeak to English option on the Babelfish Translator, and when I punched in, “I’ll start pressuring him to get a job,” I got, “Purrrrrr, I heart kittens so much! :roll: “  Christ, if Adam gets a job in the next three or four YEARS, I’ll fly to Sioux Falls and give him a cut-off tee that says, “Alejandra Slightly Underestimated Me.”

Oh, good.  West Virginia.  I can breathe now!  Corey’s being so fucking cute with his babies, singing to Aleeyah and calling Ali “Aligirl.”  He’s so awesome I don’t even care that he’s wearing this shirt.

And Ali wins this week’s Best Baby WTF Face!  No caption necessary.

Leah VOs that they’re getting  Ali’s EmArAah this week, and Corey is coming with her.  She’s elated and explains to him how hard it is going to Ali’s horrifically depressing doctor’s appointments alone.  Corey is of course, totally supportive, and Leah VOs that Corey has a way of making things seem less scary.  She’s glad he’s coming with her, and their segment ends.  God, if there could be a show starring Coreleah and Jason Hoppy and Bethenny Frankel, I would be the happiest girl in all the land.  Who says reality TV has to be trashy to be entertaining?

Not that kinda trashy, Boo!

Commerical!

We return to Pennsylvania, and Janet and Kailyn are having a heart to heart because things between Kailyn and Jo aren’t getting any better.  I wish for Kailyn to show Janet the text Janet’s sweet baby boy sent to the mother of his child, but Kailyn doesn’t.  I really wish she would have so we could see more evidence of the fact that even though Jo is Janet’s flesh and blood, Janet totally likes Kail better.

The two women discuss the rough patch that Jo and Kailyn have hit, and Janet tries to talk her surrogate daughter-in-law into ways of working out the relationship.  She suggests spending more time alone together, but since the only thing Jo seems to do when he and Kailyn are alone is insult her and tell her he hates her, Kailyn shuts down the idea of Date Night pretty fucking quickly.  Also, it would interfere with her many date nights with Jordan.  Speaking of Jordan, I feel like Janet knows something’s up because after Kailyn confirms that she’s not getting back with Jo any time soon, Janet kindly, but ominously says that if the Riveras find out Kailyn’s dating someone else, she will not be welcome in their home any longer.

Janet also asks Kailyn to consider what it would be like if Jo were not in Kailyn’s life at all – because if he weren’t, neither would the Riveras.  Ouch.  Kailyn cries that she’s just not attracted to Jo in “that way” anymore, and Janet redeems her spot in the Hall of Reality Awesomeness when she tells Kail that she neither blames nor judges the girl for her feelings.

Kailyn and Jo need to switch families A-fucking-SAP.

In South Dakota, there’s actual footage of Adam looking for jobs, which simply provides me with further proof that Kieffer did exactly jack shit in terms of job hunts.  No footage=didn’t happen according to me.  Chelsea’s reading to Aubree when Adam returns from a full HOUR of job searching, exhausted and ready for bed.  At like, four in the afternoon.  Cheslea quietly asks if he had any success and where he applied and it makes me so mad how she tiptoes around this jackass.  I have totally let people walk all over me, which is probably why I react so viscerally to Chelsea’s behavior, but knowing that doesn’t make this situation any less infuriating.  If I were her, Adam and I wouldn’t be speaking much less politely conversing until his ass ponied up some proof he was functional beyond breathing and texting.

Anyway, Adam’s looking for night jobs at restaurants and Chelsea wonders when that will leave him with any time to spend with her and Aubree.  And because he’s SUCH a good dad and partner, Adam shrugs and goes upstairs to take a nap.  I guess one could say that it’d be better for Adam to work nights if Chelsea’s going to be studying for her GED during the day and then heading to beauty school.  Yeah, one could say that if one were under the false impressions that a) Chelsea will be studying for her GED, b) she will eventually go to beauty school or c) Adam gave a shit about anyone but himself.

Chelsea sighs and takes Aubree to go watch TV as Adam heads up for his nap, and she VOs that one of the reasons she doesn’t want him working nights at a restaurant is that the last time he did that, he hooked up with the (obviously retarded) girls that worked there.  I think that was the end of that scene.  I got kind of distracted at the end as both parents went up and down stairs in their MC Escher house that I cannot figure out.

Chelsea goes up the stairs, Chelsea goes down the stairs.

In North Carolina, Jenelle heads to Barbara’s for a conversation I still can’t believe is going to take place.  If Barbara were my mom, I wouldn’t even bother asking if not only I, but also my useless, pothead boyfriend could move in.  Seems like a firm, “No,” would be expected.  But Barbara and Jenelle prove to remain as dysfunctional as ever when Barbara once again allows for a situation that will inevitably explode.  She says that Jenelle and Kieffer can move in, but they are not to make a ruckus…  Seriously, that’s her only stipulation.

I am as confused about Barbara’s choices as Jenelle’s ponytail is about its location.

WTF Barbara??!!!  How?  In God’s name?  Does this work out?  In your head??!!  You don’t like Kieffer.  I’m pretty sure you don’t like your daughter.  I know for a fact you don’t like living with her, so how is it going to work out that you guys will share a home?  This is going to be like an episode of “Full House” if the entire cast was on crystal meth – not just Jodie Sweetin.  Commercial.

Oh, that shit happened – look it up.

We return from the adverts to pay a visit to Corey and Leah as they plan their wedding.  They pick a hall.  They talk about their first dance.  They talk about where Leah will walk down the ahhhsle.  There’s a shirtless guy in the background for no apparent reason, and it’s magical.  Fucking magical.

Then when they get back, Joetta and Corey’s dad reveal that Aleeyah’s got a new tooth!  That part’s cute, too, but all I think about is how if Ali saw that tooth she’d probably poop her diaper out of spite.  Then the Great Red V would glow, and Aleeyah would feel the fury of the Other Sister.

Is anyone else really worried about the relationship these two girls are going to have growing up?  Because I am, if it wasn’t obvious.
In Pennsylvania, Kailyn and Jordan go rock climbing, and she VOs that as much fun as she has with Jordan, the whole sneaking around thing is getting to her.  Also, she texts Jo that she’s going to be working late and to put Isaac to bed for her, and he writes her this:

Janet?  This is why.

That’s about all that happens of any importance.  That and Jordan looks fucking hilarious in his harness.  Back at the house, Junior and Jo discuss the shadyosity of Kailyn’s behavior, and Jo takes the opportunity to mutter shit about how Kailyn seems to be working a bunch of overtime, but can’t see her way to paying him back for the money he gave her for school.  Okay, he’s kinda got a point there.  Anyway, Jo suspects, but doesn’t know, and that’s that for now.

In North Carolina, Kieffer must have some sort of superhuman testosterone running through those  Jersey veins of his, because in the few days that have elapsed between his and Jenelle’s discussion about moving in with her mother and the actual move date, he’s managed to grow a full goatee and a mustache.  That weirdness aside, the couple arrives at Barbara’s house to find that she has increased the stipulations of living with her to include cleaning.  Kieffer has no problem with that (“I’m high.  Unloading the dishwasher is hilarious when I’m high.”)  The couple promises to step up, and after a montage of them trying and Barbara picking, it looks like things are working out okay.  But I wouldn’t be surprised if that montage took place over a span of 36 hours.

But then something happens…  The two are babysitting Jace while Barbara goes shopping, and while they’re all sitting on the couch, Jace’s bottle leaks onto the sofa.  I should mention that the only person more obviously high on television this week was James Franco.  Jenelle freaks out, but Kieffer tells her to calm down – the spill wasn’t their fault and it’ll dry clear.

Yeah, but with milk, it’s not the visual you have to worry about.

Jenelle insists that Barbara will blame her for the accident, but doesn’t clean it up… Just puts a pillow over it as soon as Barbara drives up.  Soooo yeah…  Barbara sees the spill and freaks out, focusing mostly on the fact that Jenelle knew about the stain but didn’t clean it up.  Damn, I hate it when Barbara has a point.  After Jenelle and Barbara scream at each other a little, the couple retreats to Jenelle’s room so Barbara will stop harshing their buzz.  Jenelle VOs that nothing she does will ever be good enough for her mother, and I’m starting to think she’s right.  But I’m also starting to think that that is because she smokes too much weed and it makes her fucking stupid.

I remember when I spilled cornflakes and milk on my mom’s new couch.  I had a straight two hours to flip out about the fact that a) my mother didn’t understand my penchant for eating cereal at night and b) she’d told about 467 times not to eat on the couch.  I was so desperate not to die that I cleaned the shit out of the cushions, but it was still obvious when she got home, and let me tell you, it was a dark fucking day.  But I didn’t put a fucking pillow over that shit.  Even at age 11 I knew that spoiled milk was way worse than upholstery cleaner.

But enough about me.  In South Dakota, the fact that Adam has cheated on her before (and the fact that he is a massive shithead) is making Chelsea paranoid about him working at a restaurant.  She goes out to meet her friend Erica for dinner, and they discuss why Chelsea doesn’t trust Adam.  Apparently, they went out to a restaurant that Adam used to work at and he straight TOLD Chelsea which girl he had sex with.  God bless Erica for this face:

The bigger picture is even more difficult to deal with – Adam needs to get a job or Randy’s gonna kick him out (doubtful, but let’s go with it for now).  Adam doesn’t like it when Chelsea asks him to do anything, so it’s awkward for her to ask him to go job hunting.  When he finally did go job hunting, he looked at places that made her uncomfortable.  So now Chelsea has to talk to him about not working at a restaurant.  Which is going to go over about as well as my friend Bernie over a bonfire.  We spell it Burnie, now.

Back in West Virginia, Coreleah’s schizo journey continues as they come off their wedding planning high to prepare for Ali’s EmArAah.  Leah discusses her fears of Ali’s tests and sedation (fuck, that IS scary…) with Dawn, and the two women discuss how much easier it will be with Corey there.  Then I start to believe a one of the cameramen on this show has a sick SICK sense of humor, because first there’s a shot of Aleeyah all bright-eyes and kickass, then there’s one of Ali, all crosseyes and bowlegs.  And… God I feel evil at how hilariously cartoonish their entire situation is.  There could NOT be more wrong with Ali and less wrong with Aleeyah.  I wouldn’t be surprised if the EmArAh revealed an extra spine and at the same time as her sister was getting tested, Aleeyah not only taught herself to walk, but put together a short softshoe to entertain the crew.

Maybe Aleeyah will grow up to start an organized crime syndicate that controls all of West Virginia and Ali will be her enforcer.

Okay, I deserve no more Coreleah time, so onward to Kailyn and the tightrope she has fashioned for herself.  She’s out to lunch with a friend that isn’t Kim, and notKim comments on how big Isaac is.  Then Kailyn makes me laugh harder than I have at all during her storyline when she says, “Yeah, everyone’s gonna think he’s Jordan’s kid.”

It’s funny because it’s true.  And because Jo’s being a prick.

She and notKim discuss how hard it is to hide the relationship, and how she feels like she shouldn’t have to answer to the Riveras.  Commercial.

In West Virginia, Leah and Corey leave Aleeyah with Joetta and Jeff, and Joetta tearfully kisses Ali goodbye.  Dawn pulls up to drive the family to the testing center and Leah starts crying.  I don’t’ have kids, so I really can’t imagine how stressful just a simple test must be.  I just think it’s great Corey and Leah have such a supportive family.

The three arrive at a hotel, there’s more of Corey being SO FUCKING CUTE with his baby girl, and Leah VOs that she can barely sleep, but she’s got to be strong for Ali.  Why do I think we’re not going to get to see what’s wrong with Ali today?  Pffft…  Disapprove.

In North Carolina, Jenelle and Kieffer, even though they have a car, and can go someplace like an abandoned house, decide to smoke weed in the middle of the day in front of Babara’s house while she is home.  The requisite blowout ensues, this time with Barbara turning her totally justified wrath on Kieffer, and Kieffer being far too stoned to take her seriously.  Completely unable to argue with her mother anymore (and also not while stoned), Jenelle just settles for staring off into space and muttering about how she’s gonna have a bigger house than her mother and a better job.

Yeah, and when Jace is 17, and you have all of those things, it’ll be just like a fairy tale of resentment and spiteful success!

Jenelle goes back inside and Barbara insists that Kieffer leave.  Instead of letting the situation cool off and maybe not do illicit drugs in front of her mother’s face, Jenelle just gits to packin.  She’s pretty good at it by now.  Then Barbara follows her into the bedroom to plead (actual pleading – not yelling) to let Kieffer go.  She tearfully begs her daughter to see that Kieffer is dragging her down, and even tells Jenelle she loves her, but just wants her to make better choices.  She doesn’t understand why Jenelle can’t see that Kieffer is a freeloader, and Jenelle just tosses out some more, “You’ll see!  You’ll all see!” type stuff and leaves.  Barbara cries and moans that Jenelle doesn’t give a crap about anyone but her boyfriends and watches with Jace as Kieffer and Jenelle drive away.

Wow, poor Barbara.  She’s not really wrong about Kieffer.  He doesn’t do much for Jenelle aside from refrain from judgment, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Jenelle considered leaving school (just for a little while) to follow some stupid job he had.  However, at the moment, Jenelle has a job AND is going to school, so obviously she’s not going to hear about Kieffer bringing her down.

It’s just sad.

Speaking of sad!  Chelsea is at her mom’s looking up how to study for the GED and reads that only 60% of graduated high school seniors would pass the GED.  Wow.  Isn’t that like… illegal in some fashion?  Anyway, she realizes she’s gonna have to get crackalackin’, but she decides to procrastinate and talk to Adam first.

And… its’ really weird.  They have a conversation about Chelsea not wanting Adam to work at a restaurant, and all he really does is say that he won’t consider another line of work and play video games.  But Chelsea (who’s been protesting all this time that she is not, in fact, crazy), FLIPS OUT and starts crying, asking Adam why he has to be so mean.  There’s more crying and Adam does start yelling at some point, telling Chelsea to stop freaking out about him working at a restaurant.  Basically, he’s avoiding getting a job by telling Chelsea that he shouldn’t even bother getting one because whatever he does will not be good enough for her.  It’s kind of genius, actually.

Anyway, Chelsea freaks out and walks away, calling him stupid and Adam goes out to stand in the garage.

Seriously, that’s what he does.  Weird, right?

Dr. Drew needs to show up earlier than the reunions if he really wants to help these kids.

It’s time to wrap up, and Kieffer and Jenelle decide to crash at the beach house because it’s going to be empty for one more night.  Jenelle’s feeling sorry for herself and Kieffer’s making her feel better, but when it comes to their living situation, there isn’t much he can do.  Jenelle starts weeping like a bitch – like a Shakespearean bitch at that.  She wails that Kieffer should just go back to New Jersey and forget about her.  Then she’ll be alone with her mother and have no one – no one to turn to to cry on, no one to turn to to make her feel better, no one!!  OMG, someone give this girl something to throw herself off of.  That’s kind of where it ends for these two for the moment.  Thank goodness.

Speaking of actual drama, it’s the morning of the EmArAh, and Leah, Corey and Dawn bring Ali to the hospital.  The nicest nurse I’ve seen yet gently asks Corey and Leah some questions, and explains to them in detail what the scan will involve.  I want to give this woman the biggest hug.  Leah cries throughout the entire conversation, and when Ali goes in for the scan, she and Corey sob together.  A subtitle reads, “Mommy would do it for you, but I can’t,” and I almost roll my eyes because it’s juuuuust a little too much, but I love those kids so much I can’t do it.

There’s a montage of lesser moms and Kailyn, and the episode ends in tears.  And next week Jo calls Kailyn a whore.  Janet?  That’s why.