The final season of Teen Mom vanilla has kicked off. I know you’re all dealing with depression and grief over such a loss, but please bear with me.
Nothing has changed in the lives of Farrah, Maci, Amber, and Catelynn.
Farrah is still an ungrateful, slack-jawed bitch.
Mom, why don’t you just hand me the keys to your car and fuck off.
Catelynn is still really nice yet insecure.
Holy crap, are the cameras on already?
And Maci is still incapable of having a genuine emotion.
Gawd, I’m so friggin’ pissed right now. Or maybe I’m really happy. Whatever.
In this super-duper, double-fisted night of Teen Mom, Amber and her entourage try to pretend that she’s going to rehab for her anger and not drugs or drinking. Not saying she doesn’t have anger problems, but their attempts at covering up her drug problem are as good as Deena Cortese’s attempts at covering her crotch.
At this point, don’t you ruin each other’s night by being nice?
Farrah is still moving to Ft. Lauderdale and, at first, is still planning to leave Sophia behind. Of course, we know better than that. Farrah will never be happy as long as her mother is happy. We also get gratuitous shots of Farrah pretending to mourn the death of her baby daddy.
Maci is still with Kyle, but the seams holding that relationship together are pulled pretty taut. Ryan, Maci, and Kyle are all jobless, as usual. But, for some reason, there’s a huge push to get Bentley into daycare.
Catelynn and Tyler continue their never-ending storyline of seeing and not seeing Carly. Those two are so sweet and shockingly mature despite the environment in which they were both raised, but they are really getting boring. I watch reality TV for drama and ridiculousness – not sugary-sweet, heartwarming proof that the apple really can fall far from the tree if the tree is drunk enough or stuck in prison.
The full recap of this plus-sized episode will be up very, very soon. Until then, you can read up on last season here.
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